Self Hatred Poems

Messy

A fraction of home,
Can she come to me? See?
Ignore the useless bodies,
They can’t have what’s mine.

Can’t even tell what’s a lie,
What is living? (Living, living, living.)
Why do you come back?

Dread is all it is,
It can’t hurt me, but my home SUFFERS

My hands are gross, coincide with my arm,
One is insecurity, the other is selfish.

Do you

torn by my own being

Silence hangs, air is deathly
.
.
.
The silence breathly
thousands of my voices
They tear at my choices
~tear~
roughing--
till                  I
                       

LA is on fire and I’m a sitting duck

My skin crawls as I watch a hand,
disembodied,
reach yet again into the Tollhouse bag.
Bright, artificial yellow. It burns my eyes.
Countless chocolate chips are shoveled down my gullet
as if crumbs to a wretched, starving creature.
I’m only jarred out of my sinful haze by catching si th r of my reflection.
That face staring back at me -

When Your Solutions Are Sugar Coated Possibilities

…
[I’m an idiot; I can hold a conversation though I always stutter, I’m average looking yet I hate every molecule I possess. I’ve healed, yet those memories still haunt me. I’ve made impacts and shared my story, yet I’m worthless and will be forgotten. So I ask;
Mirror, oh mirror, please give me answers!]
“I promise I

The Making of a Teenage Tragedy

I live, letting life’s events blow along with the wind; inhaling the scented, crisp breeze. I seldom sit down and question my purpose, instead I flow from the water which I arose from. Though the water, once cool and clear, has turned salty and bitter, which leaves me to investigate. 
Countless searching presents my ultimatum;

what i am now

if you saw me
the way i see myself
maybe you'd get it.

"count your calories,
read the nutrition panels,
diet,
exercise,"
i know. 

believe me,
i know. 

"it's for your health,"
turns into 
a chase
after my...
after your
ideal weight for me.
but you say it's mine.

I'm afraid of dying
because i worry they won't even be able
to lift my casket.

body positivity 
until you no longer fit
into

Neural Pathways

Sometimes my brain deludes me into believing that I am utterly unlovable. 
Like a dog who has been in the shelter for far too long, being prepared for his final meal. 
My throat closes up,
My lungs shut down,
And there are no other thoughts to be had.

I often convince myself that I do not deserve good

Self-hatred

It is addictive.

Used to it
like the wicked bitter pills
that one swallows to numb the pain,
to block the feelings.

Lethargic yet nerve-wracking;
A tightness in the chest that
never goes away.
Faint, throbbing, persistent. 

It is inherent to me.

the salinity of an ocean of tears,
the chaos of a storm wrecked ship,
the thorns of a lonely cactus.
Never clears away by itself.

Haunting

PAIN

This dull, heavy ache never leaves my heart.
It is a constant reminder that I’m not good enough, and never was.
It’s a reminder that my body still holds all the feelings that I’ve never been able to process throughout my life.
It’s a slow corrosion of my soul,
It’s slowly losing hope that happiness exists.
It’s grief, recognising that

Why Am I Not Better Yet

Why am I not better yet?
I’ve stopped eating,
Stopped thinking
The clock is ticking
Faster, faster
The days are blending together
I’ve cried too many tears
I’ve lost too many friends
I’ve ran out of sleep
My hands are shaking
My legs are bouncing
My hair hasn’t been washed
My teeth are yellow
Why am I not better?
I’m drowning in my own tears
I’m ill and no one

Reject the Self-Hatred, Part Ii

...They proclaimed that we ‘oppressed women,’
it’s the refrain of loud femenists,
forgetting that before birth control
nature gave us little choice in this.
That before we had technology,
when life meant brutal, physical work,
that there just weren’t all that many jobs
physically weaker women could work.
They forget that the woman’s franchise
arose on America’s frontier,
that we blazed the path for suffrage,
their

Reject the Self-Hatred, Part I

Programmed fools demonize our culture,
try to undermine, demoralize,
say that it’s all ‘white supremacist,’
it’s ‘patriarchal,’ ‘all built on lies.’
Overblow every mistake they find,
project onto us all of their sins,
parasites dependant on a host
that they’re busy killing from within.
Be they our teachers of professors,
or scum media lying out loud,
don’t listen when they preach self-hatred,
for there is much

Borrowed Souls

Every morning I wake up not knowing if ill look in the mirror at either Jekyll or Hyde. Not knowing if ill be praying to die or feeling alive.
This  right here is my typical bad day, keep your pity or judgement to yourself 
. I don't need an instant replay of what I'm already

Self Hatred

Clouding my heart from the peace I know I should feel,
Anguish and hate tear away inside of me,
With this hate follows only destruction,
With this anguish follows fear,
Will I ever be at peace from myself,
Will peace ever find me.

Self Hatred

I have nothing
but regrets
and memories
 that make me hate myself 
more than I did before,
I feel as if I am in a never-
ending war 
with myself
and I'm losing,
my heart is steadily bruising.

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