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9/4/2011 11:16:07 PM
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From the Ship Cherish to the Sea
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Tempt me not thou blue woman
there is no flirtation in my weathered wake.
Thy dark chambers seem so inviting
but I have a call to make.
There're souls aboard and down below
which ye claim as your own.
However, my dear lady,
ye may not have me for thy store.
I see that thou hath conspired,
with the sky, who ye acquired,
I fear not the terrible twosome
for I will not be mired.
Nay, I will not be taken,
I will not be stayed.
For this my finest hour;
I have a call to make.
Toss and turn me wholly,
I soldier on through the black flight.
And the thunderous lightning strikes
only serve to light my way this night.
Thy gaping mouth is dripping,
white teeth sharpened by the air,
though thy tongue is licking,
thou shalt not taste my fair.
The angrier ye yet get
the stronger my resolve.
The harder will I beat my planks
to starve thy selfish craw.
And verily I go forth,
further into thy state.
Our time is not to be met here,
I have a call to make.
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9/4/2011 11:24:45 PM
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i need someone to critique my poem
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1. "dignitize" isn't a word. 2. "norm of idolize of merchandise" doesn't make sense 3. To keep the -ize theme going some of the lines are stretched too much like "to recognize, penalize and exercise (sic) the poltergeist", penalizing a ghost is kind of silly but the other two parts work.
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9/4/2011 11:30:35 PM
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Save Me Thanks for any critique you can offer
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I think you should make the entity you are pleading with more ambiguous, let the reader decide if it is God or a person and it will reach more people. Also, lose the italics, makes it look cheap unless you are using them to imply a chorus as in a song then replace the multiple uses with 'Refrain'.
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9/4/2011 11:33:03 PM
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got thoughts????
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Post them, one a day, in this forum. Also, don't use multiple question marks.
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9/4/2011 11:42:06 PM
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The Dreaming Tree
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Start "There is..." on line two as line three, it bothered me enough that I had to stop reading the poem and come down and write this. Actually you are doing that a lot and it's distracting. The flow needs work. "... a song full of vowels," I don't understand it and it seems like you were trying too hard. "...scintillating symmetry" doesn't really make sense to me, one of the two shouldn't be there. Seems like a knockoff of The Giving Tree. Otherwise it is a really great idea, just play around with it a bit and it could be great, keep the last stanza as is. That's the best part.
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9/4/2011 11:50:25 PM
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Naturally Speaking, need critique.
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I don't know anything about the style but it bothers me that in stanzas 1 and 3 you use God to rhyme but not in 2 and 4 yet you move the word God down a line each stanza suggesting to the reader that you are purposefully doing it so you can rhyme God. Stanza 1, God is in line 1, stanza 2, God is in line 2 and so forth. If you want to keep that going then I think you should rhyme stanza 2 line 1 with stanza 4 line 3 to tie it all up.
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9/4/2011 11:59:18 PM
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PIN CUSHION
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Love, love, love "This poison dart". Get rid of the "..." like the others said. Change "And fuzzy inside" to something darker sounding, I went from thinking about the seriousness of heroin addiction to picturing kittens on the internet. "As it enters my body, and enters my veins" all I can think is "What do you mean enters your veins? You just said it was in your body where was it in-between lines?" I'd change that to something like "As it enters my body, and swims through my veins" except not an Uncle Kracker rip off word like "swims". All in all a great poem with a lot of good ideas.
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9/5/2011 12:10:55 AM
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Rag Doll Critique
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The flow is a little difficult to read, I'd say clean that up a bit and you're pretty much there. The one thing you definitely need to think about are the words "husk" and "fabric body". Husk is a plant-life word, a little cliche and doesn't fit to me. And you are describing your feelings from the viewpoint of a rag doll which would make me think that saying fabric body is kind of like a human saying this 'skinned body'. What would a rag doll actually say? I would thinks something like this 'poorly stitched' or 'sale-bin cloth' body.
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9/5/2011 5:08:03 PM
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A piece of work for you to advise me on!
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Crying inside, hurting inside, pain inside, down inside -then 13 lines down- dying inside. My brain thought you were establishing a rhythm with ending of inside and then it went away and kind of came back. I think a reordering of the lines to use that in some meaningful way would do a lot for this poem. Also, I don't like double-spaced poems. I find them harder to read, that space is like a canyon when you are trying to connect subtle thoughts in my opinion.
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9/5/2011 5:18:16 PM
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FELT IN THIS WORLD
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I don't have any meaningful critique but you misspelled distraations (sic) which was a huge distraction and <center> only needs to be written once before the first word of the poem and </center> once after the last word of the poem, not every line.
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9/5/2011 5:25:59 PM
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Critique away, ty. "How to maintain credibility"
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There's a lot written here so I would definitely divide into stanzas because it's kind of hard not to get lost. Also I agree with B_Pao the topic is how to maintain credibility, how is ignoring the fact that you've been convinced and instead listening to what's in your "soul" going to help you maintain credibility. That sounds like the complete opposite of what would help you maintain credibility.
Also I don't like how you referred to line 5 and I had to go back and count them down to find out what you were talking about, it ruined the flow. Something like "It shouldn't be a challenge, unless you have already refused to heed these lines," would work better I think.
Other than that I think it is an awesome poem, I feel like I wrote it in the sense that I agree and this is how I think. I do have strong moral and social beliefs.
edited by kbakermemphis on 9/5/2011
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9/5/2011 5:33:12 PM
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POW
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Bah! The sound of quelled cries
Tempered timbers tales and ties.
Malevolence, mischievous
Mine heart; mine lives.
Serendipitous meetings
With resounding sighs, of life.
Quaff strange brews
In still stranger sties.
Careful wispers
around still stranger allies.
Lashings! oh, still the burnt
Back bleeds red.
I heard from one and his tale
As an old head had no recourse
To lead mine heart unto dread.
Under fence and over wood,
Through jagged metal teeth,
Across yon' wall, through yon' mall.
Providence with waving arm there stood.
But with every syllable and poetic
Jaunt he did reveal clear enough.
Did I see a mere killer on the tower
A demon in the rough.
Was I to truckle this life long dead?
The thought of purgatory
Weighed heavy my old head.
Remembrances of home, of wife, and bed.
So grabbed I my worldly worth,
My soul should I fall short,
My hilt I furnished from a dinner spoon
And my kills I gave to the Lord.
I ran in night , scratched and did I get bit.
I slammed through jungle and dark of night.
Dark eyes seemed to always be peering,
But many days were the rest of my flight.
edited by kbakermemphis on 9/5/2011
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9/5/2011 7:15:47 PM
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swearing in poems
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A word has only the power you allow it, I find it incredibly demeaning to writing and to humanity that our creation, speech, now has more control over us than we do of it. There are sites like this one and LiveJournal and so forth that are attempting to take back that control by fostering and encouraging expression through the manipulation and implementation of words but disallowing cursing because there are some so close-minded that they are offended by the mere utterance of a word they likely don't even know the etymology of is, in a word, silly.
I understand the idea that children need to be protected from such material to be without merit and those who believe it are obviously not living in the world their children are. I don't think a single patron of this site would say they support the rendition of Huck Finn recently being made topic because of the editing of the nigger Jim character, and if they do then maybe it is they who should be censored from this and other sites of thoughtful exploration and not those who see the value of a larger pool of words vs. the ones we are allowed to have.
I have not included a poem I have written on this site that features cursing as part of the main idea of the poem out of respect for the guidelines but never will I say that it is just in this era of rational thinking. And furthermore, there are some forms of expression, like limericks, that are traditionally obscene and to say that you are not allowed to practice such a well known form in the style it was popularized is ridiculous as well.
Saying something is "family" oriented and that is why censorship is allowed is a cop-out of unimaginable scale and not worth even criticizing. Saying something is not uplifting because you, yourself, don't get it is offensive to all those people (like me) who were saved by the words of someone you would likely consider a heathen who shouldn't have the same rights as you. Without these words, I may not be here today, who are you to say what it uplifting to me?
In summation, I will continue to follow and respect the rules of this community because it provides me with a much greater good than bad but I will not respect those who think their beliefs come before mine as should no one of dignity.
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9/7/2011 7:29:43 PM
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Don't hold back
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Awesome except the "Called by any other name, just as sweet?" line is number three on the list of cliches under resources. I like the idea of those two lines but I think they can be written with more originality and keep the same point. Maybe something like "Called Queen of the Bouquet for being so sweet"
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9/7/2011 7:36:03 PM
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swearing in poems
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The first rule under Terms and Conditions says you aren't allowed, among other things, to use profanity. That's what were are talking about.
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10/22/2011 4:53:18 AM
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Incanto In Furnace by Daunting Allegory
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Awesome poem, just think there is an over use of the parenthesis, I think the Persephone one is the only one that works and the rest should be taken out.
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10/22/2011 5:04:03 AM
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O God sparkle it within us.
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The multiple punctuation marks have to go!.,'; It;'$s really distracting,. and just awful.`?. Also, and I may be wrong here, I think Earthlings should be capitalized like so because Earth in this case would be a proper noun and therefore someone from said planet should be as well, i.e. Romans, Italians, Judas Priest.
It also seems like you're talking about the Christian God so 'god' should be capitalized.
"There hearts" should be "their heart".
The entire phrase "of being true earthlings, harvest within them, the will of goodness" doesn't make any sense. First of all if you are talking about the Christian God then using a term (Earthling) made popular by science fiction writing doesn't really resonate with the whole my kingdom is not of this Earth jazz Jesus was talking about. Then harvesting this will you are talking about would be for God to take the people's will into him, it should be sow within them the will of goodness.
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10/22/2011 5:15:54 AM
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Love story romance
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I think you should throw a refrain in the mix and turn this into a country song.
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