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6/14/2011 9:12:33 AM darnett shimmy yeah Posts: 5	Hello! I was wondering what could be done to improve my poem Rag Doll? Also, I wrote this at a very depressing time in my life. It's not how I always feel or view things. I am just a big fan of extreme emotional personal expression. Please and thankies. i break down once more, lost falling off of the highest precipice of my own bitter consciousness tumbling down, crumpling to the floor in a pile my worn and sagging shoulders crushed with the weighty knowledge of this injustice that is my ceaseless torment this abysmal internal darkness which claws into my mind driving me mad with sorrow and fear and contempt now i pound and plead, shudder and scream my blue button eyes spilling saltwater and i find myself wrapping limp, lifeless arms around my sack body; shields to ward off this desperate, terrible loneliness that is growing inside this empty husk of me for my stitching has torn, and my sides have ripped and i've spilled all that i am onto the carpet; all of the sawdust and cotton fluff the silly stupid meaningless nothing that makes up my entire existence now all that remains is this hollow aching inside of my fabric body a hungering for an escape, anything anything anything please this slow throb that drowns out all else reminding me forever more that i am and have always been truly alone. (the poem is colored purple to separate it from the rest) edited by Sanguine Fiend on 6/14/2011 edited by Sanguine Fiend on 6/14/2011 edited by Sanguine Fiend on 6/14/2011 --
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9/5/2011 12:10:55 AM Keith Baker Posts: 18	The flow is a little difficult to read, I'd say clean that up a bit and you're pretty much there. The one thing you definitely need to think about are the words "husk" and "fabric body". Husk is a plant-life word, a little cliche and doesn't fit to me. And you are describing your feelings from the viewpoint of a rag doll which would make me think that saying fabric body is kind of like a human saying this 'skinned body'. What would a rag doll actually say? I would thinks something like this 'poorly stitched' or 'sale-bin cloth' body.
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