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Best Poems Written by Jim Bates

Below are the all-time best Jim Bates poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Jim Bates Poem

Buying Condoms

BUYING CONDOMS

I was desperate to buy me some condoms
On a Wednesday morning in June
My girlfriend had made me a promise
And we were meeting up that afternoon

For she'd noticed that in my frustration
My flat....which I kept fairly neat
Now had fingernail marks on the ceiling
And teethmarks on the toilet seat

So she promised an hour of pleasure
As pleasurable as it could be
She wanted fifty eight minutes
With the other two minutes for me

Now you folks are probably thinking
Splitting an hour like that was a crime
But in my mood of complete desperation
Two minutes seemed like a long time

So I stood in a queue in the chemist's
Hoping to be quite discrete
While the lady in front bought and paid for
Corn plasters to stick on her feet

And when my turn came I was gutted
I though 'this must be a joke'
For a gorgeous young girl came to serve me
I was wanting a grizzly old bloke

Embarrassed I picked up some aspirin
But her smile put me quickly at ease
She said as she took the box from me
'Would you like some condoms with these?'

'We have them in black, red or tartan
And ribbed ones to last a long time'
'Do you have a favourite flavour?
We have peppermint, strawberry or lime'

'Flavours?'........ I nervously stuttered
'Strawberry?.......'Is that what you said?'
'These things are to go on my winkie'
'Not between two slices of bread'

She chuckled away as she wrapped them
She'd decided on tartan and lime
And smiled as she gave me the packet
Then wished me a really good time

I dashed around home in a frenzy
The minutes were ticking away
My girlfriend was coming here shortly
For  our sixty minutes of play

My clothes hit the floor in a heartbeat
I put on my condom with glee
And the first that she saw, as she opened the door
Was my tartan condom and me

She screamed as the door closed behind her
Her face like a deathly white mask
Then pointed and silently shuddered,
'What're you going to do with that flask?'

I chuckled 'It isn't a flask it's a condom'
Tartan and flavoured with lime'
With disgust she turned and departed
Walking out for the very last time

So my day of passion was stifled
I didn't make it as far as the bed
And as my condoms were lime flavour
I had them with corn flakes instead

Details | Jim Bates Poem

Syrian Refugees

SYRIAN REFUGEES

I'm watching a programme on telly
About the Syrian refugees
Men and women and children
Humanity brought to its knees

I'm watching the desperate faces
The terror and hunger and fear
They're facing their ultimate nightmare
And me? Well I'm just sitting here

And saying 'Isn't it awful'
'Something needs to be done'
Whilst searching the TV listings
And planning my evening of fun

Then I happen upon the BBC news
Cameron wringing his hands on my screen
Saying Syria is a priority
Then slips into a black limousine

Then Hollande, and Angela Merkel
Echo the prime minister's views
And tell us how hard they are working
Another soundbite for the news

Then shoot off to their heads of state dinner
Which will go on well into the night
While in the camps the tears will continue
No dinner for those folks tonight

At the meeting, an idea from Turkey
Amongst the platitudes and the kind words
The plan that they're putting forward
Is to drop lots of bombs on the Kurds

I flick channels and happen on Tony Blair
Offering the world a solution
I really can't listen to that grinning clown
Spouting his verbal pollution

He's jabbering on about Islam
Trying to give us the wisdom we lack
And hoping the world has forgotten
What Bush and him did in Iraq

Perhaps he's just a bit jealous
That he's not allowed to the feast
After finding Saddam's nuclear weapons!
A doggy bag surely at least.

While another mother loses her children
More slaughter and mayhem we see
And imagine the arms manufacturers
And dealers, jumping with glee

As they make another few billions
And probably a few billions more
Then they'll hide all their dirty old dollars
In their financial laundry offshore

And the politicians turn a blind eye
And I'm sure that they won't be divulging
How some of them came by their fat bank accounts
And why their back pockets are bulging

But then.......success I hear on the news
The EU says all is not black
They've solved the refugee crisis.
When they get here.........we're sending them back.

Job done, EU movers and shakers
So sorry for doubting your cause
You've sorted the Syrian problem
Give yourselves a big round of applause

© Ron James 05/04/2016

Details | Jim Bates Poem

Fat Bottomed Girls

Fat Bottomed Girls

I've got a bony backside
And it hurts when I sit down
That's why my mood it fluctuates
From black to dirty brown
So I try sitting at an angle
And try not to make a fuss
And grimace as I shuffle
On my gluteus maximus

So when Freddie Mercury sings his song
About 'Fat Bottomed Girls'
I feel the need to don a wig
With tumbling, twinkling curls
And pretend that I am one of them
You see....it is no joke,
To be stuck inside the body
Of this 'skinny bottomed bloke'.

Details | Jim Bates Poem

Give a Dog a Bad Name

GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME

I shouldn't have called my dog 'Todger'
Though it seemed pretty cool at the time
I didn't think it would hurt his feelings
And be honest, it isn't a crime.

We were really good pals to be truthful
And 'Todger' became my best friend
We would walk in the park in the evening
On the beach almost every weekend

We'd play 'fetch' with a ball or a frisbee
In summer when evenings were light
And he'd lay on the couch watching telly
And on the foot of my bed every night

And the landlord down at my local
Thought 'Todger' was such a delight
He turned a blind eye to his presence
When I played darts on Wednesday night

I'd sometimes go to the pub in the daytime
To chat with a lonely old dear
And she'd sit there and tickle my best pal
Then slip him a saucer of beer

Then we'd mosey back home together
And search in the fridge for our tea
Sometimes I'd give him some dog food
And sometimes the same food as me

Then just when life seemed so perfect
It couldn't be better I thought
Fate's fickle finger found me
And singled me out for some sport

For one dull afternoon we'd been drinking
And had a few more than was wise
I tried walking straight, but I couldn't
It was something to do with my eyes

And too many saucers of lager
Had affected my best canine friend
He was chasing his tail in a circle
And driving himself round the bend

So we headed for home in a stupor
We weren't making very good speed
And as we were passing the primary school
He somehow escaped from his lead

And shot through the school gates like lightning
Then made for a half-open door
With a mighty great leap he was through it
And went skidding along on the floor

I was stumbling along well behind him
When I reached the door he was gone
Then I heard shouts and screams from a classroom
But I didn't know which was the one.......

…..That my dopey drunk mutt had invaded
So I barged through the door that was first
And confronted a sea of young faces
As into their classroom I burst

Their teacher looked fearsome and threatening
So really she left me no choice
'Have any of you kids seen my 'Todger'
I screamed at the top of my voice

That day wasn't my finest
I know that myself all too well
This poem that I'm writing for you
I'm having to write from my cell

As for 'Todger' he's now at my mother's
While I'm sitting here in the nick
No more silly dog names in the future
Next time..........maybe Willy or Dick?

Details | Jim Bates Poem

Blind Date

Blind Date

I went on a blind date, to support my best mate
Who assured me my girl would be awesome,
But the girl he admired it later transpired,
Said she'd only go out in a foursome.

So with oodles of cheek, for best part of a week,
He pleaded and bribed and cajoled
'Til I felt so worn out that I finally said yes,
Though the thought of a date left me cold.

But a man has to do what a man has to do
And I threw myself into the task
And purchased with glee, a packet of three
Though I bought them whilst wearing a mask

Then spent almost an hour after having a shower
Deciding which shirt I should choose,
For my new leather jacket, which had cost me a packet
But it went really well with my shoes.

My ensemble complete from my head to my feet
When I zipped up a new pair of  pants
Then I splashed on 'Old  Spice, which made me smell nice
And walked out of my flat in a trance

With the sun going down, met my pal in the town
Stood there smoking and chuckling and waiting
For the number 8 bus bringing females to us
Those minutes were really frustrating

In the distance we saw it, couldn't really ignore it
The bus pulling in to the stop
So with some apprehension and much nervous tension
My heart did a flip.....then a flop

For two lasses alighted and the first that I sighted
Was smart and sublimely petite,
The second was dressed in a khaki gilet
With Doc Martin boots on her feet

She was a big beefy lass and I know it sounds crass
But big females aren't part of my game
Big lasses are fine, some are good friends of mine
But good friends and romance aren't the same

But the worst of the news was the sight of tatoos,
Which immediately stifled my chuckles,
A big python snake writhing down her left arm
'Love' and 'Hate' tatoo-ed onto her knuckles

And she noticed my plight, smiled through teeth pearly white
As I lit up a fag with my 'zippo',
And she followed my eyes to her big meaty thighs
And an arse that belonged to a hippo.

'Relax man' she said, as she watched me turn red
'I'm here under protest like you'
'And from what I can see you're too skinny for me'
'So let's go hit the pub for a few'

We stared for a while and then shared a smile
Before wandering off to the pub
Me and this lassie with the oversized chassis
For a couple of drinks and some grub

Now, how this tale ends, we ended up friends
Elaine my new buddy and me
And it taught me that I should never pre-judge
You don't always get what you see.

Details | Jim Bates Poem

Hollywood Then and Now

HOLLYWOOD THEN AND NOW

THEN

Leading lady wanted
 Curvy boobs and bum
Must be a peroxide blonde 
And preferably dumb

Leading man for western
Needs to ride a horse
Must like his women naughty
And drinking beer of course

Screenplay will be brilliant
Acting must be good
Sure to be blockbuster
'Cause this is Hollywood'.

NOW

Actress wanted for a movie,
Shooting starts in spring
Must have tiny little boobs
And legs resembling string

Also need a leading man
Shooting starts in May
Must have teeth as white as snow
And preferably gay.

The film features zombies
The script is badly written
All the intellectual stuff
Now gets made in Britain

Details | Jim Bates Poem

I Rested Here

I Rested Here

A light rain came upon me while I slept
Lay gently all around
A coat of dew my blanket
My pillow the hard ground
But my slumber is not real
Synthetically induced
By fifty white and orange pills
A final, fatal boost
But please don't mourn my passing
For me please shed no tear
Simply place a sign in this sweet earth
To say 'I rested here'