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She Holds Me Back

She holds me back~~~ my little girl 21 not so little but to me she'll always be my little girl thoughts of her hold me back when I just want to sleep Sometimes I just want to sleep to go to that place where there is no thought no dreams no recollections of pain or joy no consciousness nothingness Sometimes when my heart is heavy and the world unkind when there is only bloodshed and failure on my mind I just want to sleep thoughts of her hold me back She worries and wants me around her words spilled from heart troubled by a dream A younger version of me sobbing out tears and she unable to comfort me a troubling dream.... I dreamt you were really sad and you were crying And you were my age. And I was trying to comfort you Mommy I hope you're OK You know if you ever feel bad Or like you're angry Or you're feeling like unsure of yourself And overly critical of yourself! Talk to me I'm old enough now Dreams don't mean anything But, I just want you to be happy Sometimes, I want to sleep sometimes I want to weep when there is no joy I can keep When the hurt goes way down deep and I long to sleep Thoughts of her hold me back Thoughts of her make me strong and I want to belong to the land of the living to see her blossom and bloom Married to a handsome groom with a baby later cooing in her room Sometimes I want to sleep But thoughts of her hold me back keep me here keep me near A Dreamless sleep doesn't mean anything I want her to be happy. Eileen Manassian I deal with depression and often....things weigh heavily on me. All the pain I have seen....seems too much to bear.....the sleep of death at times seems inviting. I believe death is a sleep. The Bible says: "For the living know that they die, and the dead know not anything" (Ecclesiastes 9:5) "The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. 2 Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." (Isaiah 57: 1 & 2) Sometimes....it seems like a welcome thing. Thoughts of my daughter keep me holding on. She still needs me. Some thoughts that run through my mind, especially now with the events that have taken place in Beirut and Paris. Life is precious....We live for our loved ones. We die for Him.

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Poesy Relish

Date: 12/14/2015 1:00:00 AM

Kids are the precious gifts from God that keeps us going when times are difficult... the touch of those little hands wiping your tears can ease your worries half fold... Be strong friend.. Hope you are doing better... and seeing your girl smiling, and being there for her is always better than an indefinite sleep

Nette Onclaud

Date: 11/20/2015 4:43:00 PM

nothing can ever replace a mother's loving ways, eileen... this fond write is expressed so beautifully!..huggs

Connie Marcum Wong

Date: 11/20/2015 1:17:00 PM

Our loved ones indeed keep us from wanting to leave sooner than the creator wants us to. Depression is difficult to deal with but expressing our thoughts helps and is cathartic. Blessings, Connie

Emile Pinet

Date: 11/20/2015 10:02:00 AM

The emotions swell up and cascade over the heart as your words lead us on a journey through the fog of depression, looking for a reason to awake form oblivion, and one is found as the light of your daughters love guides your soul home to family. Emile. #7

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 11/20/2015 9:03:00 AM

Checking on you.

Paul Callus

Date: 11/19/2015 4:08:00 PM

Hi Eileen...Life is not as dark as it appears at night. The longer we stay awake in bed thinking, the worse it becomes. Personally I have never had to deal with depression, but there have been moments when all problems seem to join together and become a battering ram. Luckily, a new day brings a change to the better. The recent ugly events and the absence of your daughter combine to make you emotional. Pleased to see from the last comments that you are feeling much better. Hugs // paul

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 11/19/2015 9:56:00 AM

I'm glad you are better today Eileen, I must admit I was worried about you. Hugs Rick.

Laura Breidenthal

Date: 11/18/2015 7:12:00 PM

You're so right...life is so precious, and this poem touched me deeply..she keeps you holding on, and that is a blessing! My heart has been heavy too, due to what is all going on in the world..we will pull through it, as you know, you're never alone! I am sending you love and good thoughts your way! Always, Laura

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/19/2015 5:40:00 AM

Thank you, dear. I have been a little depressed lately. Sorry I didn't answer sooner. I am a better today. Thank you for your kindness. Yes, lately things seem to be really dark, Laura. There is a better day coming. Hugs

Kp Nunez

Date: 11/18/2015 1:14:00 PM

Eileen...I am tearing up! I feel for you...but in my heart I know you are far stronger than these words suggest. Your daughter is indeed far too precious! Be brave, I know that compared to your worries, ours here seem nil in comparison. Jesus loves you, so do I. hugs!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/19/2015 5:43:00 AM

Yes, she is, Kim. However, she does know my struggles. She has always been a friend to me. I adore her. I had a Skype chat with her because the distance was a bit too much and I needed to see her face. Got a bit teary and she comforted me. I'm strong for her when she needs me. Bless you for your compassionate heart. Hugs

Demetrios Trifiatis

Date: 11/18/2015 8:55:00 AM

When things go from bad to worse God needs His soldiers of faith down here on earth, He doesn't like deserters neither like He to through at Him the gift he has given us: Life! Especially when we have responsibilities our obligations mount and there is no escape for even if we pass away we still keep living, judging ourselves for things we did wrong! Excellent writing, profound thoughts, deep emotions! A seven for each, dear Eileen! YOU STAY PUT YOUNG LADY and that is an Order! Haha!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/19/2015 5:47:00 AM

I will try, my dear poet. I will try. It's not always easy. Thank you for your care and concern. Sorry I didn't answer sooner. Then emoun kala. kalitera simera.....alla ti enai h zoe? semera emasti kala...avrio than pethanoume...kai? Eh....Endaksi...thank you. I have to go to each my class on Shakespeare and His Contemporaries. One of the joys of my life. Thank you for your love and care. Blessings.

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 11/18/2015 8:41:00 AM

Hi Eileen, I hope you feel and are lifted by the love.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/19/2015 5:48:00 AM

Thank you, Richard. I'm sorry I didn't answer sooner. Haven't been feeling too well. Thanks for your concern. I'm a bit better today. Blessings.

Mama Bear

Date: 11/17/2015 6:34:00 PM

Dear friend you are never alone, We all share in your thoughts in various ways but family is what keeps us grounded. Jesus lets us suffer but never too much He knows what we can handle and makes us aware that we are mortal, we love, we live, we laugh and we are always in tune with our loved ones Nothing is ever so bad that we need to quit trying to keep making lives better for ourselves and our loved ones. You are always in my prayers Feel our love for you and know that we care. Blessings Edith

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/19/2015 6:04:00 AM

Your friendship has come to mean so much to me. Your words have really bring me comfort. Thank you, for reaching out to me this way, both here and elsewhere. You are a caring person with a loving heart. I hope that God will grant you the desires of your heart...I wasn't feeling very well lately. I'm a bit better now. Sorry for the late response. I know that He can help me through any difficulty, if I just give Him the chance. Hugs...

Richard Lamoureux
Date: 11/18/2015 8:41:00 AM

Amen mom!

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 11/17/2015 8:18:00 AM

When you say you don't deserve it that is telling language. That is the enemy whispering in your ear. You are worthy to be loved and cared for. You are loved beyond measure when it comes to Jesus who could never see you as worthless. Hugs Rick.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/19/2015 5:52:00 AM

Thank you, Richard. You are good to me. I appreciate it. Words are unable to express my feelings. Please know that I am touched by your continued concern over my wellbeing. Blessings.

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 11/16/2015 6:23:00 PM

this is full of heartfelt emotion and I admire this kind of honest writing, Eileen. I feel bad that you have depression like my husband does. But glad that you have your daughter. Never stop being the dear person that you are!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/17/2015 2:47:00 AM

Thanks, dear. I do want to see her married and happy. Till then...I hope I'm given the chance to live on....Thanks for your kindness to me. Hugs

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 11/16/2015 6:21:00 PM

sorry you did not get to read about chocolate. haha. Let me read this poem now.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/17/2015 2:48:00 AM

I do like Sneakers though... ;)

Tim Smith

Date: 11/16/2015 3:10:00 PM

Weep Eileen. It is okay. For all atrocities I beg you to weep but don't sleep. We need you. Your baby needs you. Your future grand babies need you. For you are a shining light. A guidance for so many. So many look up to you, for you speak the truth. Speak of what is right and let us know what is wrong. Weep Eileen but please let God decide when you sleep.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/17/2015 2:51:00 AM

Thank you, Tim. I have no words to thank you. I feel guilty that at times she has to worry about me. I'm doing Ok, but sometimes it all just gets to me. I must not be selfish and think of my own comfort, but I would gladly give my life for her. If she needs me....I will be here as long as I can. Medication helps. People who care help. I need more of God in my life to help in that area as well. He is looking out for me. Every day I live is written in His book as it says in the Bible. Yes, best to let him decide. Thank you every so much.

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 11/16/2015 2:39:00 PM

Hi dear Eileen .. Your daughter needs you ,your family needs you,your husband needs you , your papa needs you,your friends need you,your students need you ,and God needs you here too.People of your country needs you too,they need a voice..This is a difficult time for the world and for people like you even worse..but I`m sure our faith is being tested Eileen. Do not sleep yet sweet one.God only knows the time best to sleep..Think of the beautiful moments when darkness knock on yr door.Deep poem.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/17/2015 2:53:00 AM

My Soul Sister....thank you for your reminder. I sometimes feel bad that I'm weak. I thought I was stronger. I sometimes am, but sometimes I just have to hunker down and let the cloud pass me over. My friends and family know and give me my space when I need it. I would do anything for my little girl. Yes, Sweetie...our collective faith is being tested. I'm afraid there is only worse atrocities waiting. God is sovereign still. Thank you for loving me and my loved ones. May God bless you and give you all the desires of your heart...as the Bible verse in Psalms states. I do love you. Hugs

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 11/16/2015 7:42:00 AM

This is heartbreaking Eileen. Hold tightly to your daughter. You know the loss of losing your mom, taking yourself away from your daughter would destroy her and the people who love you. Hugs Rick.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/17/2015 2:56:00 AM

Yes...I know that Rick. I do know that. I try. I was very close once, but I'm much better now. Sometimes it just all settles on down me, and I just need to wait it out. We have talked about it though. God is still looking out for me. :) I am grateful for that though I certainly don't deserve it. Thank you for your love and care. Blessings.

Justin Bordner

Date: 11/15/2015 6:51:00 PM

If we do not live and die for love then we only live in death Eileen. This is a poem that ignites my spirit for life Beloved Poetess...J.A.B.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 11/15/2015 11:54:00 PM

Hello, dear Eagle...there have been two suicide bombing here in Beirut. My heart is heavy. My last few poems reflect this. Take a few minutes to read my sonnet. I'm sure you will like it. In Anger tinged with Pain. I value your thoughts...thanks for the visit. Hugs.