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Best Poems Written by Mike Hauser

Below are the all-time best Mike Hauser poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

She's Beautiful

I know a girl
That's pure beauty to see
Won't mention her name
As I feel there's no need

You'd know by her smile
Her sparkling eyes
The way she celebrates
Every aspect of life

Spending her day
Grabbing hold of the reigns 
Taking the good thoughts she's got
And giving them all away

The way the wind clearly dares 
To tousle her hair
As she breezes through life
With hardly a care

Yes I know I girl
Who's beautiful to behold
We all know who she is
Without her name being told


This is actually written to all women...you are ALL Beautiful!

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

Manicure

First off let's make it clear I ain't funny
And I don't start conversations out with bonjour
But there comes a time in every mans life
Where he needs a good Man-icure

When you hit the age of me on the same feet
It's time to give the old dogs a break
Empty out your calendar this will take all day for sure
And you don't want distractions in the way

Cause when the hair on your toes could keep an Eskimo clothed
And carpet his whole family's igloo
That's when you know it's time to call up your Bro's
And go visit an Asian or two

A pedicure for a man to remove the toe jam
Like they would weapons of mass destruction 
But let's not call it a date cause that just sounds gay
Let's say outing or a manly luncheon 

Like a kid in a candy store given chocolate galore 
With no earthly thoughts of calories
Signed up for the 5 gold star plan soon to be a new man
Where you're bound to not recognize me

From hot wax to cream to all things in between
Why they even buffed my buff
From bottom to top they did the whole lot 
And yes I liked it...thank you very much

As we went through the day the new me being made
Rolling me from dock to dock
Then came to the time we stopped short of a dime
When they wanted to give me a bikini WHAT?!?

That's where I drew the line there's just some things I find
That a Manly Man would never stand
We went back to the front, that's enough of this lunch!
THAT gold star wasn't in my plan

Would I do it again? All you gotta do is say when...
But next time round believe me
When it comes to the stars I'll stop at the 4
Which I believe is the boxer instead of bikini

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

What if yesterday, today, and tomorrow
Came together for one day
Would they all dwell on their past mistakes
Or live life for today

Would they dream about tomorrow
As today's dreams fly away
If they had it all to do again
Would they relive yesterday

Life can be confusing
My hope is that you'll find
That after yesterday, today, and tomorrow
have had their say
You'll live one day at a time

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

Mountain Climbing

My daddy was a mountain climber
Cause life's a mountain all men must climb
From the foothills of adolescence
To the last days of our lives

My daddy always raised me
To do what I thought right
The lessons that my daddy taught
Have helped me throughout this life

He lived on mountain wisdom
And showed me in my youth much of the same
Said son don't spend all your days in the valley
Cause in the lowlands there's no gain

And boy don't take the path well worn
That's been cleared out all soft and smooth
Take the one with rocks and ledges
So you'll have something to hold on to

That's why today I'm a mountain climber
Cause life's a mountain all men must climb
From the foothills of adolescence
To the last days of our lives

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

My Mother Thinks I'M a Doctor

My mother thinks I'm a doctor
I just don't have the guts
To tell her I spent all my college doe
On beer, wine, women and such

So after I faked my graduation
Said I was moving to the South
To help the less fortunate among us
Another lie I let slip out

I'm now in the south of Florida
Where some may call me a bum
Living in a citrus grove along the coast
Not answering to anyone

It's really not such a bad life
This do nothing life I've made
I hear my Moms proud of me at afternoon tea
Telling the girls of all the lives I save

I do my share of dumpster diving
That's where I got the idea
Behind a real doctors office one day
With some of their stationary I nabbed

I did a little doctoring 
After all I do play one in Moms mind
Doesn't look to lame where I inserted my name
Then wrote my Mom about the kids and the wife

I've created such an elaborate charade
It's now gotten all out of hand
As I panhandle my way up and down
The Sunshine states surf and sand

Mom now says she wants to visit
Can't wait to meet the wife and kids
Don't know how I let it get this crazy
And how it all lead up to this

Now I'm scrambling to find a vacant house and a woman
With a couple of kids that look just like me 
That can go along with a ruse for a week in mid-June
Since I told her that's when  I'd be free

I'm thinking I should of studied in college
Instead of being this mind numbing huckster
Telling lie after deepening lie
Just so my Mother would think I'm a doctor

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

What I Love About the South

It ain't the pork, it ain't the beans
It ain't the mustard on saltines
It ain't the redneck social scenes

I love about the south

It ain't the ice cold sweet southern tea
It ain't the way that we say please
It ain't the way we lemon squeeze

I love about the south

It ain't the perfect slice of pecan pie
It ain't the wink in the bullfrog's eyes
It ain't the fireflies that light the night

I love about the south

It ain't the way we say yes ma'am
When you visit Alabam
It ain't the attitude of yes we can

I love about the south

It ain't the way that we say ya'll
With the syrupy sweet southern draw
No it ain't none of that at all

I love about the south

It's the crisp clear starry nights
Through the shifting shadows of the loblolly pine
As I stand here with your hand in mine

I love about the south

Just the fact that you are here
And that I can hold you near
As I hear you call me dear

I love about the south


I actually love everything about the South.....

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

Food Fight

There once was a fight on my plate
In front of my face while I ate

The Broccoli on the left picked up its Spear
And stabbed the Corn on the right, right in the Ear

The Avocado Artichoked the Zucchini
Before the Pepper rang the Bell on that meanie

The Onion went to Bed on the Lettuce and cried
Afraid that the Beets on the side were all Red cause they died

The Okra came in and slimed the whole affair
While the Yams slammed and Squashed the Cauliflower

The Peas ended up with Black Eyes
Next to the Potatoes that were mashed up and fried

The Cabbage brought it all to a head
Which Steamed the Asparagus with all that was said

There once was a fight on my plate
In front of my face while I ate

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

An Interview of Mike On His Absence and Dramatic Return- Conducted By Himself

M. So Mike I hear you've been gone?

MH. Why yes I have!

M. Why the absence?

MH. I just needed some time to clear my head.

M. That should have taken no more than a couple minutes

MH. Ahhh...no, I was gone a couple weeks. I was going to stay out a month but this site is so addictive! I'm sure our listening audience can attest to that!

M. Audience? No ones listening to this...

MH. But you said...

M. Me?

MH. Yes you said when we were talking that I was going to be on the radio.

M. Dude your me...

MH. I know!

M. Your blowing my mind here...Can we just get on with this?

MH. Sure...What I was trying to do was really just find myself.

M. Find yourself...were your lost?

MH. No just needed to try and do away with some of the junk in my life.

M. I'm starting to wonder if I'm you then why is this the first time I'm hearing about it.

MH. That is odd isn't it..

M. Almost as odd as interviewing yourself.

MH. Almost

M. So any good poems written while you were gone?

MH. To tell the truth I couldn't stop writing...If they're any good only time will tell.

M. How do you think the interview is going so far? Am I doing alright? Asking the tough questions?

MH. I think your the best...That's why I only let me interview myself!

M. Speaking of interviews I've got another one scheduled I really need to run...

MH. Really? With who?

M. Oh it's you but you the World Famous Nuclear Physicist!

MH. But I'm not a...

M. Hey...It's what we call in journalism as a lead in...makes them want more.

MH. But I'm...

M. Don't worry, we'll make something up...

MH. We always do...

M. Ain't THAT the truth!

MH. Shall we do it over lunch?

M. Sounds good...you buying?

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

Spamalicious

Just when I think I've seen it 
All throughout this  land
They went and upped the anti 
On the classic can of Spam

Those with the higher power
The ones that run the show
The Spam men of the hour
In a bunker buried way down low

Have added different flavors
To this meat of mystery
From Teriyaki to Tocino
That's bacon to those who don't speak Philippine 

They heat it up with Jalapeno
Helps to liven up the slime
Those bunker boys as they're fondly known
Have really out done themselves this time

Aloha from Hawaii?
Imagine Spam in a Hula skirt
As they pull out the Leis and go all the way
Adding pineapple to those Spam burps

Exciting rumors have it 
They're in talks with Oreo 
There's no place in this universe 
That a good slice of spam won't go

The only thing they need to work on
Is the dipping in the milk
They have yet to solve the problem
Of the massive oil spill

Yes they've taken what the rest of us
Never thought could be improved
Just goes to show what ingenuity
And a touch of crazy genius can do

Details | Mike Hauser Poem

Inside the Mind of a Woman

A gaggle of Mad Scientists
Shrunk me down in size
Placed me in a tiny syringe
Injected me into a woman's mind

They gave me special instructions
While there to  look around
Report back to them immediately 
All the mystery's to be found

I entered into this giant room
Dozens of doors surrounding the sides
I believe to be the main control center
I am a man in a woman's mind
(Wait a minute...that doesn't sound right)

I skip the rooms RESENTMENT, JEALOUSY,and GOSSIP
No need to open those
I've seen what they can do to a person
Best to keep them locked and forever closed

I come to the door labeled SEX
Being a man I try the knob first
Of course it's locked so I knocked and knocked
Go figure, there was no answer...

Before I realized what I was doing
I opened the door labeled NAGGING
All my ears hear is Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah
What in the world was I even thinking

I may be crazy but I ain't stupid
I also pass by the door I'M UGLY, I'M FAT
Why can't women see what the rest of us see
The inner beauty that they all seem to have

Right next door is the room that holds her feelings
I've never been so scared in my life
I do this in the name of science
And for the better of all mankind

As soon as the door swings open
I immediately break down and cry
I've got all of these mixed emotions
And I don't even really know why

I'm not sure if science was ready for this
As I climb out the ear canal blocked by a phone
Not much that a man can do in there
Best to leave well enough alone