Oh how I love thee with your white and dark meat
Thou art the very best
But because of you, I can’t see my feet
My navel is two feet from my chest
To diet and lose so I don’t wobble no more
I would be very willing
It would be impossible now, because somehow
I finished four bowls of filling
My wife pointed at me and said look at him
He sits at the table, like a dog he begs
I stare at you and your magnificent breast
Can hardly wait to get my hands on your legs
Enough already, I’m on my knees
Give me some stuffing and some black eyed peas
Sweet potatoes, corn and a salad I’ll toss
And bury your butt with cranberry sauce
Oh turkey, my turkey, you’re the one who rocks
Now I’ve gotten so fat, I can’t put on my socks
My love for you was fleeting
And we are finished I fear
But I’ll fall in love with another turkey
Same time next year.
We'd really like to thank you
i'm sure you left it here with love,
it really was so kind of you
but we didn't want your bug.
We thought you'd like to know
we really felt the pits
we thought of you quite often
when we had the squits.
Next time you come to visit
please leave your bugs at home,
'cause, when you bring them with you
they sure do like to roam.
So next time that we see you
I hope you come alone,
you can bring Rosie and Katie
but leave your bugs at home.
1. My ex-girlfriend tried to impress me when
She told me that she is "Fasting"! And I knew
That she was true because, I saw just how
Fast she ate that basket of chicken.......
2. The next time that she told me that she was "Fasting"
It was three (03) double meat Whoppers! And I have never
Seen three (03) double meat Whoppers go so quicK......
3. My ex-girlfriend was so upset! She explained that when
She was young that she could bounce a dime
Off of her butt. Only now, when she bounce the same dime
It only flops!
So, I looked on the bright side and told her that now she can
Bounce a quarter on her belly button and it only drops!
4. The last time that I saw her, she was "Fasting" on a
box of cookies.
* And boy, those (03) box's of cookies sure went fast!
Explanation: That is none sence and no one got fat in the making of this pun!
4. I just hate it when my ex-girlfriend call's me! Usually I keep my
cell phone on vibrate and in my front pocket. My EX-friend
Know's this. She also, know's that I have a bladder problem! Every time
she blow's up my phone it make's me pee!
I know that I hate it, but she give's me such a warm feeling and I take
what I can get!
5. My ex-girlfriend is so stupid that she can't ever give me a piece of
her mind! She has to get an substitute..... Ha! Ha! Ha! He, He, He!
6.My ex-girlfriend, She alway's cut me short!........ She wanted to give
me a piece of her mind, buy, she didn't have enough brain cell's left! Ha! Ha!
Feel the Joke! Uh!
1. When you "Pass Gas" and you know you did........
And no-body heard it........ Is it proper to wait for someone
to smell it first, before you say, excuse me..........
Is it really too late....... That is what my girlfriend doe's!
* I would just blame it on a friend!
Moments To Share:
My ex-girl friend and I were discussing a poem that I wrote! She told
me that it was an perfect oxymoron.......
I told her that she was just a moron!
Words' To Live by:
I was trying to explaine my mis-giving's to my EX-girlfriend......
I told her that the problem was, not that I really love you, because
I don't! The problem is that I just can't get you out of my mind!
O Guinness, lovely Guinness,
Irish black rose of the night.
I drink in your beauty,
a wonderment of sight!
Velvety raven body,
filling out that cold glass,
I look into your dark eyes,
you wicked, sassy lass.
I watch your tiny bubbles
cascade down and sigh,
like feather-like snowflakes
falling down from the sky.
Your heavenly head leaves
foam above my lip,
I cherish our shared moments
with each tender sip.
Why can’t I do it how I want to do it?
Been told my rhymes are simplistic at best
I may violate pentameter but I write what I like
Why must it pass some journal’s vapid test?
Behind a block of writer’s I’ve been hiding
Cowed by thoughts of editing snafus
Trying to write deep, intensive tomes of valid lore
Only to be chastened and abused
There’s elegance found in concise expression
Saying all the world in just a line
No matter that I know this I belabor all my thoughts
Create an elegy for elegance in time
Onomatopoeia is my best friend
And alliteration waltzes through my dreams
Thoughts chatter, clatter, chirp and clunk around about my head
Demanding that they be released in streams
And after I have done what I have done here
Exposed my heart by opening my head
I send it forth with hope that someone will enjoy my words
And get rejection letters in their stead
But won’t you like my poem just a little?
I promise it won’t be a trite conceit
You say my writing’s convoluted, so, I strive to simplify it
Then you call my writing sophomoric and cheap
Yet still my writing exists, remonstrating
That whether it be ballad or blank verse
It should be able to do just exactly what it feels like
And it finds you and your editing, perverse
It says it does not care if it is published
Doesn’t want you to consider it profound
For if you did then it might accidentally be common
And make cool people like me put it down
But won’t you like my poem just a little?
At the very least try to be noncommittal
Sarcasm, such a delightful sound
Though who dwells in every place
What would I do without you around?
Sarcasm, you flow with such profound grace
Bathing the world with your halfhearted truth
Many sides you have to your twisted face
Why would anyone not love you?
Sometimes harsh, thou always lift
Lifts my spirits with words anew
Thine own power a wonderful gift
A gift, no doubt, like no other
You appearance always sweet and swift
Without thee the world would have no color
In a world without color I would die!!
Sometimes bright, other times dark—you’re a wonder!
You make me laugh and sometimes cry
Sarcasm, you are perfect for me!
At times I can barely understand why
I wish I could make the whole world see
Like the greatest joy you make life worth while
If only they could see your beauty
Why? Why are you so? Never mind you make me smile
You fit into every place, you’re elastic
You hold the world together like grout does tile
Sarcasm, thou who art so fantastic
Oh how I love being sarcastic…
ODE TO A SKIP
Oh skip I love thee so
When you are sighted
I am filled with much joy
I love and need you most dearly
For you are to me
What no one can ever be
A friend with benefits
You are my dear skip
You are always there
When I need you
You complete me
If ever I pass you by
As I am in a rush
I am with sorrow overcome
For I know I have missed
An opportunity for you to
Shower me with much needed gifts
Rummaging through you
I find wonders galore
Your deep bowels are no hindrance
For I delve in
With delightful ecstatic glee
Oh dearest love my Skippy
What do you do to me?
My mother groans and moans
when I scavenge from you
One day she says
the house will implode
Never you worry my dearest Skippy
I will never abandon you
I will forever stay true to you
And great finds
I have gathered from you
Some say a whole range of tat
I don’t mind
For I know you give gladly
Oh glorious friend
My ever pleasing
Never complaining friend
You and only you
I know truly loves
And understands me
Dawn is here
I did not sleep
Oh why oh why
Can’t my conscience let me sleep?
Did I kill little Bo Peep?
I might have
As she should have been asleep
And not a practicing sneak
Dawn chorus some say is sweet
All I wish is to lie in bed in peace
Will all birds hence forth hold your incessant tweets
A man on tenterhooks
Needs his precious sleep
Another day is born
Another sleepless night is done
If only I felt rested
And not like I just ran a marathon
Praise to all who can sleep through the night
I am not one
And will forever envy your selfish delight
Dawn oh dawn why did you come so soon?
You came just when I was awaiting
That soothing dream to appear
You can be so cruel and unfair
New day that is dawn
You give much stress
I find your presence onerous to bear
It is about time you played fair
And not harass me 365 days a year
O glorious cavern wrought with pinkish mystery,
Thou, whose puck’ring lips I have dreamt about,
Are the sacred altar of Sodom’s progeny .
How thy sweet effluence is set to rout
When that fearsome beast of mine doth attack
And rend thy cave apart with its purple snout!
Venus’s temple on its hirsute mound
Seems paltry when likened to thy glory.
For to thou alone I am always bound.
It is exclusively in thy quarry
That I seek my precious stones of ordure,
Be they glist’ning moist or dark and hoary.
I shall gulp down thy mellifluous excrement
And wed my soul to its celestial scent!
Ode To A Dead Apple
Oh poor Dan what can we say
He’s had such bad news delivered today
His Apple Mac that’s virus free
As expensive and speedy as can be.
To do your work is such a breeze
Bug free it does not catch a sneeze
But what the Apple people did not do
Was protect it from the likes of you
Your Apple Mac that you so love
Is put to rest and looks down from above.
The death of your Mac is hard to take
Don’t do anything stupid for goodness sake
It was tired with all the work you do
And sleepy just like De and you
But listen to some advice that’s free
Never give it any more coffee or tea.
To my poor Nephew that has spilled a mug of Coffee and Killed his Mac