i narrate me own story in a fake english accent. the bloody typewriter is
broken, it can't capitalize. i'm out of coins for the heater. i can see me own
breath. it must be really bad . it's summer here in london. i'm a tough guy who
carries a gun. don't mean i don't want to look good. i freshen up my lipstick,
light up a cigarette and offer one to my secretary. she is hot really hot.
like i said it's summer. she don't wear lipstick it wouldn't help. in the
encyclopedia under the word butch is her picture.
i put out my cig in an ashtray overflowin. i'd tell her to empty it but she scares me.
she only wears one gold earring. who does that? i'm workin on a case, already
drank half the beers. by the way i'm a dick a private dick. the name is rock,
rock hard. there's a knock at the door. this could be bad she has two fourty fives,
she's also got a gun.
she's holding an airline ticket. no reason. she says she just likes it.
whatever! maybe it has to do with some kind of contest.
she says we're going for a ride. we are driving when she gets a flat.
i pump she pumps then we get out of the car and fix the flat. never liked
cars, horses are more convenient. less breakdowns. she takes us to a
party everyone is jumpin for joy, so joy gets up and leaves. bet you wish
this was going somewhere. it's not. like i said i'm a dick.
Contest: Chopped III
Sponsor: craig cornish
Well guys I’m going to tell you a secret
You don’t really know me
I have not been honest
I am not who I say I am
Yesterday I discovered the real me…
I’m a ninja – yes honestly I’m a ninja
I have proof from www.anagrammer.com
Ninja Salol …………………….…..Jan Allison
So I thought I’d have fun with a few names here
Hope no one is offended.. but they are quite amusing!
Casual Pull …………………...... …… Paul Callus
Diarrhetic Ande ….…………….Andrea Dietrich
Archaean Cans …………… …….Casarah Nance
Ard Man ………………………….......……. Armand
Hmm is Tit ……………………....…….Tim Smith
Savour Hart ……………………...…. Arthur Vaso
ill can Jokes ……………………....….Jack Ellison
Hencoop Arse ………….….….…..Shane Cooper
Horny Rash Ram ……….………Harry Horsman
Lycra Nim ………………….…......……. Lyric Man
Go Mercurial Ire …………….….Maurice Rigoler
Peer over………………………......….….Eve Roper
Ramshackle Cure……………. Earl Schumacker
Salutes Sir…………………………....….Lei Strauss
Mercy Tis So ………….……....………Mystic Rose
Can Hear Microchip………Charmaine Chircop
Upgrade Gent…………………….….Peter Duggan
Warrants Done……………..….. Darren Watson
Sit Leprechaun................... Paul Schneiter
9th February 2015
I feel privileged.
I have been chosen by the Government
as part of a group testing something called
Edible Clinical Marijuana.
Honestly I half expected it to look like a Burrito
because the name sounds sort of Mexican.
It actually looks more like a brownie.
I’m am about to take a bite so hold on.
So here is the point
I am suppose to consume
one half of a brownie
then fill out this sheet
giving them my feedback.
I am going to have a few more bites.
milk would go great
with these babies.
I’ll be back.
(after a long while)
OK, sew sorry I was gonna while
I was staring inside my fridge\
for a while'
tying to remember
I think I wanted a glass of ink%
aktiually I’m dinking from the bodle@
I am eating my forth brownie
as I was instructured to do;
Did they say four or? ate
cause these. are tasty
a program on my compuwhatyoucallit
keeps underlyning my words
with read squiggles=
but it diidn’t underline squiggle#
wel dats stoopid
squiggle isa perfect lee
good underlying word*
stoopid Bill Gated^
sorry I ment Will Gated~
so watt was I saying ]
fill the sheet)
I don wanna sheet,
tha is gaross[
heeres a pen
ansir; yes- please)
?why m i bein so polite
oh wow Blues Brothers on my TV
what was I spose? to do
oh yeah watch tv
why am i so angry hahahahahah++
i mean hungary
h u n g r y
those look good
i con't tipe with mai mouth
full dats rood/rood
i'll get bak too dis later..
sew as they say
two bee contitnude<
hay lookk browniies
Mo Rice Why Vone
Sponsor: Carol Eastman
I am dating a young woman and we are deeply in love. However, no matter what I do sexually, she never achieves orgasm so we decided to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listened to our story and suggested the following;
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
We went home and followed the therapist's advice. We hired a handsome young man and he stripped off and enthusiastically waved a towel over us both as we made love. But it didn't help and still my lover was unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, we went back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, we followed the advice. The young man got into bed with my lover and I waved the towel. The young man really worked with great enthusiasm and my lover soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.
Smiling, I dropped the towel, tapped the young man on the shoulder and said to him triumphantly...."NOW THAT'S how you wave a towel, son!!"
Men's minds are devious at the best of times
Also twisting their stories
I should know, I'm one of dem der guys
Pretty sure I'm no different than 98% of my fellow males
It's inbred into our psyche and of this I'm sure
We're really damn proud of it
However I'm a straight shooter
At the expense of my fellow males, I apologize
Hate blowing the whistle on youse guys
But I can't help it... as Georgie once said
"I cannot tell a lie"
Everything and I mean EVERYTHING
That comes out of my mouth
Is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth
So help... Z-Z-Z-A-A-A-A-A-P-!
© Jack Ellison 2014
Whatever turns your crank
Whatever tickles your pickle
Whatever dunks your donut
Whatever waxes your dolphin
Whatever buffs your Buddha
Whatever pops your cork
Whatever pets your monkey
Whatever frosts your cookies
Whatever spills your pills
Whatever trips your trigger
Whatever humps your camel
Whatever melts your chocolate
Whatever peels your onion
Whatever chafes your carrot
Whatever flops your mop
Whatever rocks your socks
Whatever teeters your totter
Whatever milks your goat
Whatever pings your pong
Whatever peels your banana
Whatever blows your nozzle
Whatever tips your canoe
Whatever flicks your switch
Whatever zips your zipper
Whatever blows your stack
Whatever... whatever... whatever!
© Jack Ellison 2014
I read Darryl Ashton’s poem Called Pinocchio Rex and this brought back
memories of a childhood incident
When I grew up we had a smallholding – the house was called ‘Longacre’ as we
had over an acre of land. Over the years we had chickens, pigs named Pinky
and Porky and a goat called Susie… she had kids called Billy and Nanny – guess
I was no good at names back then… but I digress
Attached to the house was a small village shop but my parents also made a
small income from selling fresh eggs and in the summer home grown
strawberries – I would help pick washing baskets of them and bag them up to
Every week a little old man would arrive for his dozen eggs and if the shop was
shut he would ring the doorbell. He wore a pointed felt hat, had steely blue
eyes and the most enormous nose you have ever seen. Unbeknownst to him
my parents nicknamed him 'Pinocchio'.
When I was aged about 7 years old the doorbell rang – mum was busy baking
in the kitchen so I answered it. There in front of me stood this old man wanting
his eggs. Mum shouted from the kitchen
‘Who is it Janet?’
I replied ‘Oh its only Pinocchio’
At once mum appeared from the kitchen, her face was the colour of beetroot.
She apologised for the comment from her ‘cheeky daughter’ The man
purchased his eggs and walked away – never to return!
The moral of this true tale is that parents ALWAYS tell the truth and that
children have ears the size of an elephant and a mouth just as big … so if you
don’t want them to repeat something YOU have said keep it zipped!
11th August 2014
A woman walks into a coffee shop,
sits at the counter.
Right next to her is a gentleman
reading his newspaper.
His face buried in his daily
he reaches out
takes one finger
from her Kit Kat bar.
She can't believe what she just saw.
she rustles the foil on her bar
as she herself takes a finger to eat.
A few seconds past
Once again the gentleman
takes another finger
of the now infamous chocolate bar.
Now the woman is furious
she grabs his Newspaper
out of his hands
throws it on the counter.
She then grabs
a piece of his doughnut
dunks it in his coffee
eats it and walks out.
The man is clearly in shock and confused
but says nothing.
He orders another donut and coffee
returns to reading his paper.
Meanwhile the woman heads to
and gets to her car.
She opens the car
Now you can see it all on her face
redder than a Kit Kat wrapper.
Sitting in plain view
on the passenger seat
quiet and unassuming
is her Kit Kat Chocolate bar.
and he was so polite about it all.
This write is inspired from an idea
I recently had for a Kit Kat commercial.
You will never see it in a poetry book
but hopefully you enjoyed it.
MY SHORTCOMINGS ARE OVERWHELMING - HOWEVER MY STRENGTHS ARE DEFEATING THEM - POETRY CONTEST
I stood there,
I removed my clothes...
you could tell that my date who was
about to see me naked for the first time
I was worried she would slide off her seat.
an obvious crowd pleaser
I did not time it
but it was a long time
for her to get over her joy.
at one point I think she stopped breathing
she was definitely moved
there were tears in her eyes
I believe her hysteria was a nervous laugh
she was laughing
I stood there exposed
the look on her face
was not good,
I am sure I could hear,
a song blaring loudly in her mind
"Is that all there is, is that all there is..."
My shortcomings are overwhelming,
I was embarrassed
I was angry
I wanted to be mature about the situation,
I stuck my tongue out at her,
my twelve inch tongue,
I think she noticed I could breathe through my ears
her face lit up
once again she fell off her seat
My shortcomings are overwhelming,
both naked I started pleasing her
"there is a God!"
However my strengths are defeating them.
you can leave now,
excuse me this next part is private,
I am entering this write in the contest.
When I saw the title of the contest this came to mind.
I thought humor being my greatest strenght I would
write this in an attempt to overcome my deppression
thank you for the oppurtunity Verena.
Laughter is the best medicine...unless your a diabetic...
....and then insulin...insulin is the best medicine.
Hey everyone... do you know what time it is!!!
It's time for The Jester Jack Comedy Hour
Brought to you by "Hair Today... Gone Tomorrow!"
The makers of fine electric shavers
Now I know what you're thinking, I have a beard
Why would I need an electric shaver
Well, I have very hairy arms and legs
A massive hairy chest and arm holes
As well as very bushy eyebrows and ear holes!
Now on to the show... have you heard this one
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
Give up???... A STICK!
Got a million of 'em
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
Dum de um dum!
Do not argue with an idiot... he will drag you down to his level
Then beat you with experience!
Here's another... graveyard workers really dig their jobs
A real groaner!
Da de da de da da... da de da de da da
Well that's all the time we have folks!
So be sure to tune in next time
To The Jester Jack Comedy Hour!
© Jack Ellison 2014
as far as making comments to other poets.
i want to confess, it's only fair you all know.
first i read your beautiful work and honestly
sometimes i even drool.
i think of what i want to say.
i create an original opinion then type it on a different page
just for the heck of it.
when i am finally satisfied
i scoop my finished piece and post it here.
so you see my friends i have to apologize.
as it turns out and i hope you can all forgive me.
i feel so ashamed
i cut and paste all of my remarks.
Under the microscope we are under watched by a near by species
For some reason they think we are a life form that takes it to easy
Over the years we were abducted; that was a mistake the aliens became uneasy
Unique in several ways we are human and that they see we are strange
Fooling them we act very hostile yet our mindset needs be rearrange
Opening our minds they started to look, but our minds seems to weird and derange
Upset, the aliens take our species to try to understand
Freaks of nature we seem to gather with costumes and sounds of band
Old as time they been coming to our planet and this is what they found, like us, land
Unrelenting we humans seem to focus on a different path
Feelings we have the aliens do not understand what we have
Odd we are, we are the only species in the galaxy that really know how to have a bath
Unrealizable that we do adore the stars and lights in the sky
From all our studies we look up and see the lights that make our world, we cry
Only now we reason with the aliens we are fools in our world and we sigh
Lucy and Matilda were on the job at the burger joint.
Bad boy Buzz Muldoon rushed in brandishing a gun.
Matilda kicked the would-be robber square in his junk.
Lucy bashed his head in with a badass ball-peen hammer.
The two hard working ladies continued cleaning up the joint.
They chunked Muldoon in the dumpster with the rest of the trash.
Lucy and Matilda opened the establishment without missing a beat.
It was just another typical day right here in the big bad city.
To be successful entrepreneurs in this old turbulent world,
you have to grow a pair of big brass gnarly ones, be you male or female.
I wish I was a family pet
Whose only needs are to be fed
And to unceremoniously
Relieve themselves in the park
I would of course be more discreet
Now about licking myself
In an effort to keep clean
Hmmm might draw the line there
Simply because I may injure myself
Trying to reach hard to get at regions
I guess I would prefer to be a dog
Cats are certainly more sophisticated
But full of their own importance
When most dog species
Are loveable and bowl you over with love
Hmmm now that I think about it
Apart from not having to wear a collar
Perhaps I'd rather remain a human
© Jack Ellison 2015
Is the word “fart” a naughty word
Hope not... I find it cute and giggly
But don't go by me, my mind is a little warped
Words are just words with letters strung together
Strange how any mention of our private parts
Should never be said in public
“Uvula” sounds really naughty
But the dictionary describes it as
“a fleshy extension at the back of the soft palate
That hangs above the throat”
Now if that doesn't sound naughty, I'll eat my shorts!
Here's an old English expression... “bollocks”
Of German origin... related to BALL
And how about “tit”
Again the old dictionary says
“refers to a small New Zealand bird called a “tit”
How can just three innocent letters strung together
Cause little old ladies to titter!
Last but not least we have “dong”
Sounds like a gong as in a bell
So I guess that's where the old expression comes from
“I sure rang his bell!
In closing, I'd like to say this
I had a freaking good time writing this one
But we all know what “freaking” is
It's a sort of polite way of saying
The granddaddy of all swear words
Just seven letters starting with an “f”
It's “farting” of course, what were YOU thinking?
© Jack Ellison 2014
When I was a young lad growing up
There were many things I wanted to do
Like riding a bronco in the rodeo
And growing a Fu Manchu
I guess most boys have a silly wish
I was no exception I had one too
To be allowed to cuss a blue streak
Or at least a bad word or two
But Daddy told me I better not
There would be a high price to pay
So I was limited to the phrase "good grief"
The same line Charlie Brown used to say
Well there was nothing cool about Charlie
Guess Daddy didn't really know about that
But he said if I ever dare swore
I'd get struck with lightning and go splat
One day I was walking up my driveway
Playing catch with no one but me
Bored to tears with nothing cool to do
When I noticed the sky was totally cloud free
What was the chance of a bolt of lightning
Really striking in that painfully described way
If I was ever gonna chance a vulgar tirade
I thought it might as well be today
I started with a whispered swear word
I waited to see if the clouds rolled in
But you know nothing at all happened
Across my face I grew an excited grin
Within minutes there were no more whispers
I was shouting long blue streaks
When behind me I felt my ear twisted
It nearly knocked me off my feet
It was Daddy and he wasn't too happy
He took me into our house ear first
Said we better not do this in the kitchen
Don't want your Mother's dishes to burst
So into the garage he marched me
Daddy took off his long leather belt
Said son, "Have I ever told you what I call this...
It's called LIGHTNING and you're getting dealt!"
Miss Scarlet was driving her car across town.
She had a meeting with Professor Plum at the library .
It was regarding a paper she had written in the study at home.
About the life of Colonel Mustard and the revolver he carried during the war.
Mrs. White was on her way to the school.
She had just left the kitchen,she forgot to put the knife away.
So she slipped it in her purse, she had colored eggs baskets for her students.
It was near Easter and she was driving to the ballroom to set up for the party.
Now, Mrs. Peacock was angry.
She had brought a rope to use to tie up the hole in the hutch.
Her prize bunnies were escaping, her best sales were during Easter time.
She needed to secure the hutch so that no rabbits would escape.
Mrs. Peacock put a wrench in her purse to secure the bolts on the hutch.
Well nobody knows what really happened next, they can only surmise.
All they know is the rabbit was lying in a pool of Easter eggs and baskets.
Three cars were totaled in the accident, all of the women died.
What was peculiar was what else they saw.
A wrench,a rope, and a knife, were found at the scene.
No one had a clue as to where, how, or why?
In the meantime, Professor Plum was in the Library with the revolver.
Why can't I be the real me
Instead of putting on airs to impress
If I really didn't care what people thought
I could go to the mall in a dress
Right away I'd be labeled as kinda unusual
To say the least I'd be mocked
Teenagers would all point and chuckle at me
Oldsters would be totally shocked
Imagine as well if I dyed my hair green
With lipstick a dark shade of pink
Not saying I'd ever resort to such nonsense
But it sure would make people blink
To shock everyone with bizarre behaviour
To act like you've gone a bit looney
Imagine the reaction of these real snotty folks
Might think they're filming a movie
There are certainly limits for our behaviour
We can't go naked in the streets
Coz at times when a shapely woman walks by
Oops... this line I had to delete!
© Jack Ellison 2015
Did you ever see a cow with a green eyebrow
If you did, you'd best lay off the hooch
Hooch in moderation is acceptable
But if you see a pink elephant fly by your window
You have definitely over indulged
Another sign is when the things you say
Don't exactly match what you're thinking
Such as instead of saying, “You have nice boobs”
You actually say “bice noobs”
Has a nice ring to it as does “a great sackbide”
Hey I don't make this stuff up you know!
So getting back to that strange looking cow
If you haven't been drinking... and you see one
Run, don't walk, to the nearest shrink!
© Jack Ellison 2015
Life is full of “upsies” and “downsies”
When your “upsies” outnumber your “downsies”
You'll know coz you'll go around singing all day
If the reverse is true, you'll bite your neighbour's dog
Also best to hide all the knives
Lock your medicine cabinet filled with pills
And throw the key down the sewer
You can't be held criminally responsible
For setting fires in the mall
Or running nekkid through the streets
Yelling, “I want my Mommy”
So here's wishing your “upsies” are winning the battle
It's actually been a while since I did that
So they say there's still hope for me!
© Jack Ellison 2015
She smiles all day she thinks it' s o.k.
She makes weird sounds and it's all day
My Aunt I asked will you not make that silly sound today?
My Aunt looked at me and said why? she always say
In public she snorts when she laughs and I get that
But when things get out of hand she scares my the cat
I have a cat but my Aunt well she kinda sat
Poor little cat it was now a furry little mat
I get really mad at her, but she seems to make me smile
Because one day we walked, she sang me a song about a mile
I was happy because she ran out of gas at last
She also could not speak at all, and that was a blast
Although she could not speak
She kept smiling she once never look bleak
My Aunt Willy who's Silly is the person who never does things in half's
I can not express any louder she makes me smile with laughs
A bit of tongue in cheek as usual!
What is normal
Normal is in the eye of the beholder
Someone walking down the street devoid of clothes
Is definitely not considered normal
But who sets the standards
Who was the first to say we must cover up
That dangly thing down below
What makes it so offensive
Why does the sight of it make us uncomfortable
If nakedness was all we knew from birth
Then it would be quite normal
Society for some unknown reason
Aside from freezing to death in the winter
Has dictated it to be beyond common decency
Would we be having sex in the street
Would our sexual urge overcome us
Sure makes for some interesting debates
I'd be all for nudity up to the age of thirty
But then, for the love of Pete
© Jack Ellison 2014
Tom Price phones up John Ely.
"I hear you sell some of the best horses in the county
I'm sending out my best guy if he likes the goods
we're buying one of your horses.
My guy is a midget with a speech impediment just to give you the heads up"
he concluded and hung up the phone.
The stud groom waited until the midget knocked on the door.
"Hello, I've come to check out your hortheth", said the midget.
"Sure, do you want a male horse or a female horse ?" asked the stud groom.
"A female horth, pleath" said the midget, so off they went to look at the horses. One lovely well bred filly caught the midgets eye.
"Can I check her ears pleath ?" said the midget - so the stud groom lifted up the midget to check the horses ears, then put him back down.
"Nith ears.......... now can I look at her eyth, pleath ?" - once again the stud groom lifted up the midget to check the horses eyes, then put im
"Nith eyth ............ now I'd like to thee her twat pleath"
The stud groom was shocked and a bit offended, so he lifted up the midget and shoved him
head first into the rear area of the horse and put him back down again.
The midget coughed and spluttered, and then said....................
"Perhapth I should rephwase that...... can I see her wun awound a widdle bit ?"
Enos Cooper is a booger eater,
he eats his own boogers every day.
When Enos gets drunk he eats other people’s boogers,
but when he wakes up the next day he never remembers
his booger eating escapades of the night before.
People tell him about his exploits, but Enos insists
that there is no way he would do such a thing, drunk or sober.
When he is shown photos of his booger eating forays,
Enos insists that the pictures have been photoshopped.
His booger chomping became so gross that the voters
in his district elected Enos “Nasty” Cooper to Congress.
Winter is about to hit full force
It is inevitable but each year, us Canadian dudes
Wish for it to be milder and less snowy than usual
Can't stop us from begging the Ice Fairy Princess
In her infinite wisdom and grace and beauty
For just this one time to spare us poor citizens
Of the True North Strong and Free
A phrase that's part of our National Anthem
They say we're a hardy bunch but as we age
It gets tougher and tougher and tougher
Okay... why don't I try this
Dear Ice Fairy Princess, if I promise
To be a good and honurable citizen
For the whole of 2015
Could you please, please, send us an extra mild winter
With just the occasional light snowfall
In return, I promise to never call you that bad name again
Yours truly, Jack xxx
© Jack Ellison 2015
Went to the well and the well was dry
So what shall I do, oh me, oh my
My mind's in a quandary, what shall I do
I fear I've run dry, I haven't a clue
Is there some medication that I can take
My mind's in a dither for goodness sake
This surely can't be, I must go lie down
Will try a wee nap, my mind might rebound
Does this ever happen to you guys out there
Is this an affliction uncommon or rare
Will try it again gonna give it a shot
Gonna go for broke, give it all that I've got
So this should be easy, what rhymes with boy
It's uh... hang on... my heart's filled with joy
Hey, I think I'm finally back on the track
I'm saved, I'm saved, the old Jack is back
This smile on my kisser is here to stay
Unless once again my rhymes they do stray
It's a life or death issue so wish me good luck
Sorry about this, for being such a schmuck
I promise you friendlies from this day on
It's all copacetic and everything's calm
© Jack Ellison 2014
I am Corny Dog Man,
the fave Super Hero in all the land.
My main mission is to hand out free
cornmeal-batter covered foot long
hot dogs skewered on a stick
to every hungry girl and boy
in the whole wide blessed world.
My sidekick Honey Mustard Girl
is always right by my side
with the sweet tasty dip
for more added enjoyment
for all of my myriad of kiddie fans.
Never fear kiddos, I’ll be there to
make sure one and all will receive at
least one yummy to the tummy meal
before I fly back to Junk Food Paradise to
refill my Biggie Boy Backpack with many more
foot long corny dogs for your eating pleasure.
Okay, my rat bastard
beat your rat bastard
in the most recent election,
so don’t you dare tell me
that your rat bastard
is better than my rat bastard
when I know for a fact
that my rat bastard
is by far the superior
rat bastard of the two.
Sometimes life can get a little rough
“Grin And Bear It”
Or should that be “Grin and BARE It”
Sounds like good advice
Grinning and baring it can be a whole lot more fun
But make sure your friends have all gone home
And the kiddies are tucked away in their beds fast asleep
Before you and your mate start prancing around in the nude
Doing and saying all those naughty things
Like, “nice melons you have there my dear”
This starts the whole proceedings
She responds with, “nice frontal protrusion!”
Immediately, the fun begins and the house starts rockin'
All because you, “Grinned And Bared it!”
© Jack Ellison 2014
These here are the facts, very nearly true,
about this lady I knew who
ate kale. She thought it was good for you.
Of course she grew a bit mad, but that's not all,
she grew far less short than she grew tall,
and had more than a little way to fall.
So when she became not wholy sober,
one day, one month, before October,
surprise, surprise ... she toppled ober.
She claimed to be only a clumsy goose,
or did she get so tight her gait got loose
from that old familiar juice abuse?
And ought her mother have taught her daughter,
that to keep more erect and grow more shorter,
she should eat less kale and drink more water?