Upon this very merry Christmas night,
Mrs. Claus has reason to be uptight,
Not Rudolph’s nose that’s red,
But Mr. Claus’s instead,
He rides slopes in sleigh with Miss Fanny Bright!
For Christmas Contest
Sponsored by Francine Roberts
Mrs. Santa on last Christmas Eve
Was so naughty , at trying to deceive.
Not the slightest bit coy
When she met her toy~boy....
Now , believe what YOU want to believe .
Rudolf the randy raindeer
Took his lady friend out for a beer.
Then he took off his clothes.
Showed~off his red nose..
Saying.. who the hell said, I was queer...
What's the worst place at Christmas to be ?
Perhaps a turkey~dish laced with gravy....
It's more painful and airy
To be some poor fairy
With your +++ on the top of the tree .
A COOL YULE , TO ALL YOU GOOD SOUPERS.....
"Pets on Parade"
on Christmas Eve two kitty cats were sleeping
as Santa Claus climbed down the chimney creeping
Excalibur started to purr
Gabriel raised his black fur
poor Santa was startled and began weeping.
while Santa was chased by playful felines
trotting toward them a band of hungry canines
sweet Venus the white Wstie
was growing quite testy
for commotion interrupted her night sublime.
Thor and Thunder twin midnight blue great danes
frolicked in fun as Santa reached for red candy canes
they took giant licks
opened Santa's bag of tricks
as Raider the Shepherd smeared frosty windowpanes.
pretty pets on parade on Christmas Eve
had a jolly good time you best believe
sharing cookies and milk
with the Moon smooth as silk
and Santa was so happy to leave.
*For SKAT'S Calling All Pet Poems ..
On his annual flight about the earth,
Santa continues to expand his girth!
'Tis due to cookies and milk,
And other treats of that ilk,
That he samples from Botswana to Perth!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved
“So tell me,” I asked the young boy,
“to whom does one owe Christmas joy?”
But the lad looked at me
and just said, “Can’t you see?
It means when you get the best toy!”
“Do you know why the wise men rode far
on their camels to follow a star?”
With surprise in his eyes,
he said, “How were they wise?
They should have just driven a car!”
“Do you know why we have Christmas day?”
But here’s all the poor kid could say:
“You spoke of some dude
that those ‘wise guy’ pursued.
Just WHO was this ‘star’ anyway?”
For Carolyn Devonshire's Contest:
Commercialized Holiday Humor Contest
Tommy had loved music all his life
And he enjoyed playing Christmas carols with his fife
But when he came downstairs on Christmas eve
He just couldn't believe
The present Santa was giving to his wife
So he hollered out to St Nick
" Hey, that's not the present I picked"
But Santa kept saying ho ho ho
While Rudolph waited out in the snow
Then Tommy awoke from his dream real quick
GOD: the goodness of determination,
a standard for better living creation.
to differentiate a civil or wild nation,
for smoothness a better flow no tension,
only patience, belief, trust asks to confirm.
There once was a flawed broad named Maude
who wished to spend Christmas abroad
she ate Christmas dinner
with penniless sinners
for that was all Maude could afford.
Well ole Maude brought them black tea from China
and chocolate cakes from a diner
they ate guinea pig
and many a fig
while Maude poured them wine from Carolina.
Yes you've guessed it, I see that you knew
in Peru they eat Guinea Pigs in stew
they wear colorful hats
and watch out for black bats
Maude's dinner will be in Cusco, Peru
Cookies must not go to waste
Specially those of great taste
So right passed my lips
And straight to my hips
I WILL let them go to WAIST
I so love to munch and munch
They’re brittle now with a crunch
The flavors- still great
But don’t satiate
They’re great with my office lunch
My body keeps them in store
Why can’t I get through the door?
Should have thrown them out
Now I am more “stout”
Ok, perhaps just one more?
Eileen Manassian Ghali
Merry Christmas to you, Uncle Sam
Leaving the jobless with hat in hand
Congress on a Yuletide roll
Brought an end to public dole --
They’re cooking their goose, not Christmas ham
*In honor of Francine's "Christmas Contest"
What’s Up With Santa?
He arrived at the party that night
In his outfit of red, black and white
Turned to skinny not round
Pillow fell to the ground
Ho Ho Santa became Ha Ha sight!
© Sandra M. Haight 2014
All Rights Reserved
Contest: What’s Up With Santa?
Sponsor: Jerry T. Curtis
Poor Santa came down with a very bad cold
Thought he might have to put Xmas on hold
But Mrs Clause drove the sleigh
Rudolph laughed all the way
"The best Xmas ever!" so we've been told
Women rock! lol
For Jerry's contest...
It's the first of November in the mall
And Christmas decorations deck the hall.
Tinsel and glitter abound,
The Christmas carols resound
And we haven't even gotten through fall.
Now Christmas has a season all it's own
And shopping makes you weary to the bone.
It's not a one day event
With happy family spent,
And for their lists, you'll likely need a loan.
By the time you finally get it done
You'll be too tired to have any fun.
If you get through Christmas Day
It's the next day you can play,
By returning your gifts for better ones.
for Carolyn's Commercialized Holiday Humor contest
(Merry friggin' ho ho is something the girls and I say to each other
when we are being sarcastic or cynical over the holidays, we only
mean it in a humorous way, please don't take offense)
THE LADY FROM TELLERUDE
There was a young lady from Tellerude
Who liked to bake Christmas cakes in the nude
Then Santa came along
He ho-ho'd loud and strong
The lady bakes cakes no more in the nude
© ELR 2013
There was a man from Idaho
Ate half a cow in one go
His tummy was loaded
He nearly exploded
Now he is Santa hohoho
What kind of Christmas would this be.
I fell asleep while decorating the tree.
Santa woke me with a smile.
He said, "It's been a long while"
Then dumped Rudolph's dung on me!
*For Francine Roberts Christmas contest.
So many years of traveling back and forth to the
North Pole, where the weather's blustery
and the winds are extremely cold,
Santa always prevails as the Postal Sevice does,
Tackling hail, storms and blizzards,
His love for gift giving never wanes,
persevering through torrential rains,
But as time goes by, Santa's getting older,
The ride with the reindeers is like twirling
around in a roller coaster,
So, the elves decided to give him a break,
delivering the presents during horrendous earthquakes,
The ground rattled and shifted while the little elves
presented the goods,
passing the heavy items around with pieces of wood,
"Many elves make light work, " they chanted while
on their way,
"Santa's saving his strength," in order to travel for
several more holidays,
One Christmas of rest out of hundreds was the world's
present to him,
Saved from his rigorous schedule and idle banter,
He was free to preserve his vigor and vim,
with all his free time he may learn to croon or perhaps
become a Cantor,
All will be merry, all will be bright,
when the little elves arrive on Christmas Eve Night!
The reindeer vacationed in Denver
For three weeks well into December
No magic dust needed
To fly – they were “weeded”
But flight plans they couldn’t remember
*Written November 17, 2014. (Colorado legalized marijuana)
If no diamonds Ill try not to pout
For that’s not what Christmas is all about
Ill take Zirconium
Though its a Phonyium
But in the bedroom there could be a drought
Just kidding of course...
Kicking Santa is not nice to do.
Chuck Norris has replaced him, 'tis true.
You'd better not pout,
or a swollen snout,
and a stocking of whoop-ass for you!
Contest: A Quintain Christmas
Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich