My favorite cousin named Marge
is almost as big as a barge.
So one would assume,
not knowing the groom,
the guy would most likely be large.
But he was a small man named Tim
“As thin as a broom” describes him.
While Marge would guffaw,
Tim would watch her with awe
and just smile for he was so prim!
When the preacher addressed him and said,
“You may now kiss the bride,” Tim turned red,
for their lips could not meet.
With high heels on her feet,
Marge stood towering over his head.
She leaned down while Tim stood on his toes,
but for being in such a strange pose,
Marge then came toppling down
crushing Tim neath her gown
while the whole church erupted in “Ohhhhh’s.”
All was well, and thereafter, we ate;
then we planned next to dance until late.
But none could foresee
the small tragedy
that had us all leaving by eight!
Marge had tossed off her heels for a glide
on the dance floor, but when they both tried
to dance, Tim got snagged
by that dang gown and dragged
as his bride was beginning to slide. . .
Now shoeless, poor Marge could not stop.
Toward a table with candles on top,
they slid, and the groom
then set fire to the room
by landing with a belly flop.
Poor Tim by the candles got lit,
and we were all having a fit,
for the fire got spread fast
till the Best Man at last
got us all wet extinguishing it!
Inspired by the title of the movie: My Big Fat Greek Wedding
& : Joann Grisetti's "My Cousin's Wedding" Poetry contest
An outdoor wedding, no sign of rain
The bride’s gown had a 10-foot train
Crossing the lawn to her bequeathed
Fido snatched the train in his teeth
And Pop watched eight grand go down the drain
Had my hair color treated
To surprise the wedding guests
Shock came at the rehearsal
Groom wanted to leave
His once-blonde bride had green curls
She’d been hoping for brunette
Oh, how the bridesmaids chuckled
Wig worn at wedding
Sadly, a true story.
By Carolyn Devonshire
For Dr. Ram’s “Wedding Rehearsal” Dodoitsu challenge
My cousin shared her wishes and dreams,
On our star gazing night, she whispered them so sweet
As a shooting star glided down from the sky,
She said, I wish ….. I wish…. all I wish are these tonight
Someday, I will marry a smart, rich and handsome guy
And have a grandiose banquet on my nuptial rite
We’ll be dancing like a lovely prince and princess ,
With all my wedding sponsors on their best suits and dresses
All in pink ,that’s the motif I will surely request.
She kept into her dreams as several years passed by,
Still searching for her prince charming who’s hard to find
Unconsciously going beyond the age to give birth to a child,
In a hurry at age of seventy, she took a rich ninety years old guy.
The wedding was held after a day or two,
The guy seated on his wheelchair with rheumatism on his toe
She headed slowly at the alter to accept his shaking hands,
Two nurses followed, so with sponsors dressed up in printed brown.
The highlight of the wedding rite started at once,
They held tightly with a nebulizers on the other hands,
But the words of oath, they took time to pronounce
False teeth were both misplaced and nowhere to be found.
Reception followed grandiosely in the guy’s mansion,
I saw many old men and women still eager to dance on the floor,
With hunched back, shaking knees, they twisted rock and roll
Then, sweet music played and my cousin danced with her groom.
But, we all wondered how did he stand alone?
He’s so heavy , I knew my cousin couldn’t help him at all,
With our great surprise, his nurse was at his side like his crutch
Everyone thought , he’s really a smart guy! Was he not?
Then, everyone followed them so happily on the spacious hall,
And in trio, they held each other so tight and moved like a fool.
Written: Sept. 15, 2012
Contest: My Cousin's Wedding (funny poem)
Contest Judged: 9/30/2012
Poet Sponsor: Joann Grisetti
The date was set and the church booked up
Invitations sent out, colors picked, and a hall for the sup.
The bridesmaids and groomsmen had all been chosen
For the date for us on the calendar was now frozen.
The Maid of Honor could only one person be
The Best Man knew this day would be crazy.
For all of the planning, the work, and the tension
Would culminate in this day of anticipation.
The minister counseled us and helped us to plan
But the burden was on us, for this day to span.
We wanted everyone to be as happy with us today
That's why we took so long to plan it this way.
The floweres trimmed the aisle along the carpet white
While all our family and friends dressed festively tonight.
The music started to play as the couples walked the aisle
I was reminded not to cry, instead to give a big smile.
It was my turn to walk the walk now
"Don't slip, don't trip, don't cause a row.
It's the day of the wedding and there is my peer
One question remains, "What am I doing here?"
Written 7 March 2014
Bruce and Jennie, both were 10,
Had been playmates all their lives.
One day, Bruce proclaimed,
“Jennie… most good men have wives.”
He professed his love for her.
Jennie said she loved him too.
They decided that getting married
Was ‘the right thing’ to do.
So, Bruce went to speak to her father,
Who was doing yard work at the time.
“May I speak to you, Mr. Johnson?”
“Sure, Bruce. What’s on your mind?”
“Sir, I love your Jennie;
And Jennie, she loves me;
But we need your permission
To be married… to be “We.”
Impressed by Bruce’s courage,
He knew this confrontation must be tough.
He smiled and asked, “Bruce, are you sure
You love my daughter enough?”
Bruce’s face became stern, he said,
“Mr. Johnson, let me tell you…
I love Jennie so much…and she loves me.
We’re both sure it’s the right thing to do.”
He was moved by Bruce’s ardor,
But permission was not his to give.
So, quick as flash, he responded,
“But Bruce…where will you live?”
“Sir, I measured her room;
Then I measured mine.
Hers is 40 percent bigger.
We’ll live there. We’ll be fine.
If we have extra stuff,
We’ll keep that in my room.
We’ll keep our places neat and tidy.
You won’t even need a broom.
And both our parents can save money
On babysitters too.
Even if you do things on the same night,
You’ll only need one sitter, not two.”
Mr. Johnson was impressed with his logic,
But this marriage idea was no longer funny.
He smiled and said, “That’s good thinking, Bruce;
But what are you gonna do for money?
“Why, Mr. Johnson, I get twelve-fifty a week allowance;
And let me remind you, Jennie also gets ten.
Throw in our birthdays and Christmas cash….
Why, we might even have money to lend.”
Desperate now, he thought,
“Next, I guess they’ll want a car.”
Then he asked, “But Bruce, what if you have kids?”
"Aawww," blushed Bruce... “We’ve been lucky so far.”
I do not know?
The knives and plate were always between us
With your sister, you were hanging out
With those two handsome knives
At all breakfast, lunch and dinner times
But when you were in the dishwasher
The playboy knife cheated on you
On the dessert plates
Tons of times
Please don’t let him to deceive you
I am the one who will always love you
In the month of February 'twas fate
We chose our special wedding date
A love, I cannot explain
Couldnâ€™t wait to take his name
So why do I still hyphenate?
By Rhonda Johnson-Saunders, January 30, 2012
for Linda-Marie's February Funny Bone contest
First place finish
Trying to remember my family on a three hour ride
'cause I'm going once again to see a new bride.
This makes number three for poor cousin Vinny,
the last two was crazy but at least they were skinny.
The new one he's got looks like a man.
He calls her sweetie but I call her Stan.
He's five foot four and she's six foot five.
My poor cousin vinny might not survive.
She use to carry lumber down at the mill,
but now she's a wrestler her name is 'Big Kill'.
Standing six foot five with a linebackers head.
If this one goes south poor vinny is dead.
He swears to us all that he loves her alot,
but I think he's lying so he won't get shot.
My cousin Vinny is lost without any clue,
and the woman he loves wears a size 19 shoe.
But I'll always come and support his new mess,
'cause each time he marries my wife gets a new dress.
Dustin Self (my cousin's wedding contest)
The rehearsal car broke down
They were told not to panic !!
The mechanic was ordained .....
Chilled birds, with one phone
For Dr. Ram's Contest "Wedding Rehearsal "
By Carrie Richards
I woke up in rapture, when she started to sing.
Naughty whispers in my ears, “Someone’s coming”
My ecstatic view;
A child is due!
Then she continues, “My mother’s visiting”
Pa held shotgun to his head
"Marry her son or you're dead"
"It wasn't me" the lad pled
"Yes it was" she said
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 2 in John Freeman's " Love or Humor" Contest - January 2011
"The Hen-pecked Husband"
By M. Taha Effendi
The door bell rang yet again,
and yonder heard the distinct voice,
of my dear old wife, full of pain,
drowned all my dreams of rejoice.
then came the thundering slap,
that landed on my cheek now red,
and as I panicked out of my nap,
I realized I had wet my bed.
Fair as ever he doth ride
Alas to meet his gal
as she prepares to be his bride.
He draws back a drink with an old pal
they discuss their days gone stall
time drifts by, the bride feels faintly
in worry, her grooms last prodigal
A man who's thought most stately
On clock tower's side
he glares in wow
to realize what time passed by
he thinks of lies, of where and how
he decides to blame the herd of cow
"they just stood there so blankly"
he thinks to himself, ok, no worries for now
A man who's thought most stately
Up to her abode he doth stride
she rushes to him in the snow
"You are too late" she shoots his pride
with her most powerful blow
"No excuse for you not to show!"
"Our wedding day? you forgot and left me there sedately"
"why I oughtta feed you to the crows"
A man who's thought most stately
Prince, not so
for this young man, here lately
for he was sent, and told to go!
A man who's thought most stately
"Wedding of a Wench"
a joyous celebration promised arrived on lacy invitation
bring only your smile as a gift to offer congratulations
but my cousin, Marlene, was known as a troublemaker all her life
now so hard to imagine she'd make any man a good wife.
more out of curiosity my honey and I opted to go
after many years of disfunction change makes people grow
nothing could have prepared me for the show 'twas 'bout to see
there is a lid for every pot and fun is always free.
the rough flight to Las Vegas was bumpy and too long
spent all my time with eyes closed tight chanting the wedding song
as the plane landed I tried to unclench my fist
wondering which magic potion she used to snare a sharp dentist.
the trip to the chapel 'neath bright lights of Sin City
my high heels hurt my toes as I thought of words witty
recognized Uncles and Aunts who had now grown old
though the temps reached 100 my body froze cold.
we exchanged hugs and kisses then escorted to our bench
waiting for sweet music and entrance of wicked wench
she wore a red suit with her flaming red hair
with white shoes, blouse and hat looked like Santa Claus affair.
the groom, short and bald, wore a green laurel wreath
to cover his head with red tie underneath
his bermuda shorts were all plaid and too big
where oh where was the champagne, I needed a swig.
instead of gold rings they had tattooed pop art
with matching leg logos "till death do us part"
I was laughing so loud I thought I would die
waved a speedy hello and a hasty goodbye.
now what does one say to a couple's freak show?
no words came to mind that seemed quite apropos
I just gave them my business card once they were sober
as a wedding gift come see me for a duo cousin makeover.
*For Joann Grisetti's My Cousin's Wedding Contest.
Please, sir, some meat and bread
I've not had a morsel for a week
It would stop this terrible hunger
My prospects now are terribly bleak
It's said the Earl is tender hearted
And oh so bloody awful rich
If I could have a taste of his
I'd call the thing a Sandwich
I hate to just come a beggin'
But I'm so hungry I am seeing red
Won't you ask the Earl again
Please, sir, some meat and bread.......
For Joe's Sandwich contest...lol
Pinch me,I do believe I'm in love
With the looker who's swaying up above
With his stuff up in the breeze
He does surely aim to please
As I look for another dollar to shove
My girlfriends are shouting and giggling away
We celebrate her upcoming wedding day
Lots of silliness abounds
As we take turns buying rounds
The dancers know what to do and say
Embarrassment's not an option at all
The bride-to-be feels ten feet tall
They show her lots of attention
When her wedding we mention
The party carries on till last call
So glad my birthday wasn't known
Or my cover would've been blown
And I'd the embarrassed one be
As those Chippendales danced for me
A few extra moves would be shown!
for contest"Burlesque Botique"
sponsored by Miranda Lambert
Just out of college, we would yearn for a touch
Sleeping together cuddled on the couch
Those were the days!
Of pre-wedding bouquets
Now I am told to go sleep alone on the couch
Two virgins who were known as stupid
Spent wedding night waiting for Cupid
Said something in his pants
Disturbed their sweet romance
And now it appears that it's rooted
Sponsor: Roy Jerden
Contest Name: Bawdy, Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy
Married by a de-frocked priest
[the folks didn't have a clue ]
the day was mostly sunny,
the geese were quaking too!
My groom it seems was fretin'
but my brother well [he knew ]
Mary Jane was just the thing
to go with cheese fondue!
Pond side, down garden path
the flower girl was crying
the ring bearers pillow dropped
the brides maids were sighing!
Missing Mom finally showed,
her ex in tow with tootsie
what delight, what painful fright
and me the raving beauty!
What a day, that 26th of May
I should have guessed, you know
when the wedding suites' door
stuck, they gave us free bordeaux.
On the wedding
The Bishop co-ordinating
Called in the groom
Only awaiting the bride
Hymns going up in the air
Half hour passed
And yet she is unarrived
"What is delaying you?"
The groom yelled at the Bishop
"Your bride isn't here"
With a dimple from the groom's cheek
Loke side way at his bride
"He has long arrived
I am gay"
The bride looked so lovely
All dressed up in lace,
The groom by her side
In His rightful place.
Food in abundance,
A mountain at least,
Guests by the hundreds
Flock to the feast.
French bread and garlic
Prawns in clay pots,
Sweetmeats and jellies
And ice cream for tots.
For eating the rice,
For those who can’t work ‘em
Old Uncle Albert
Says “waste is a sin”
So proceeds with a smile
More food to force in.
Due to his greed
He’s not feeling so bright
But continues to eat
Just out of spite.
Children are running
All over the shop
Some are so tired
They’re ready to drop
People are dancing
The music is loud
What a great crowd
The sun is still shining
It has from the start
The bride and the groom
Prepare to depart
Into the limo
All cute coy and chaste
The groom bids the driver
“Drive on and make haste”
I’ve been to some weddings
This wasn’t the worst
I have to go now
Old Albert has burst.
You messed around
and married a real
"pain-in-the butt" man
known throughout the land
his only claim to fame
is over reacting
and lacking class
a self-proclaimed pain in the ass
a crook with line
and hook to cast
things will never be the same
trade away your maiden name
to Mrs. Hemorrhoid
and wear his name with class.
a whole lotta' spoonin'
goin' on in the "Soup"
nosin' around the comment coral
I see love
amongst the group
marriage scent in the air
where it leads...
we shall see
I know some
are dippin' crackers in the "Soup"
but Lawd' knows
IT AIN'T ME!~
She's got a plan
just moved to Florida
one week in the hole
a forced proposal...
maybe if I get a job with insurance;
we'll get married...
then you'll have insurance too!"
the spider web is officially constructed
no...we'll name it
the Black Widow!
I know the Maid of Honour’s duties do not include a speech,
But looking at the perfect Bride, a vision in gold... and peach,
I couldn’t let the moment pass, without the chance to say,
How perfect for each other you are, on this your wedding day.
We’ve been friends forever, in school you were a brat,
But now you’re older, more mature and getting rather fat!
I know you really hate me; the proof is in the dress,
This thing you chose to put me in, it really is a mess!
Bows and ruffles everywhere, however could you think,
That a mature twenty eight year old could pull off vivid pink?
I know your gown is hideous, but even with that said,
There’s still no reason why the other bridesmaids are in red.
It’s clear to all that your wish for me was just to look a show,
And as it is your special day, I thought I’d let it go.
You’d always seemed to find it hard to find the perfect man,
You sat and watched all of your friends find theirs and formed a plan.
You tried it on with who they’d found until you had a date.
And so you lost a fair few friends? You’d found yourself a mate!
And in the groom you’ve found a man who over flows with love,
And through the trials that lie ahead, he’ll help you rise above.
With hugs and kisses he’ll shower you and have a few to spare,
In fact I saw him earlier, canoodling with Claire!
Honey, don’t react like that, he’s a jerk, I know it’s true,
But remember that you first hooked up, at our engagement do.
A leopard cannot change its spots, or so the proverb says,
And you told me you only married him for money anyway!
But then again you always were a shallow two-faced cow,
And why on earth should you decide to change your ways right now?
So ladies and gentlemen please join me, raise a glass,
To the spiteful two-faced Bride, and her two-timing Ass!
His sister was getting married.
We decided that we should go.
I hadn't met his family yet
but I heard they could put on a show.
We checked our bags at the airport,
flew overnight to get there.
Of course our luggage took a different flight
off to God-knows-where.
So we dropped a large wad of cash
at some trendy local boutique.
There I picked out a stunning outfit,
something I found unique.
Off to the wedding in a rush,
there was no way we were getting there late.
We arrived at his parents home
looking like each other's prom date.
His mother smiled uncertainly
as she ushered us inside.
Sitting at the kitchen table
in jeans and boots was the bride.
Someone neglected to tell us
this was a casual, casual affair
and while I was dressed to the nines
the bride had pigtails in her hair.
The backyard was a sea of denim
and cowboy hats and boots.
I, in my silk and hubby in his tux,
when we walked out received some hoots.
It didn't look like a wedding venue,
it looked more like a rodeo.
I could have died of embarrassment
when I realized ... we were the show.
Her grand gals axed her one time
How did hers ever gits a date
Her done went ta a all gals school
Theys wudn't let no boys in
Ut makes me's won ders
Yep ut sure do
Theys at that datin age
And figgers theys
Finds oot if's hers was a good
Gal er bad.
Her tells um
Theys jist bet er be's
Good gals er else.
Youse cain't gits a good
Feller if'n youse any thin else
An than her tells um it were no never mine
Her knowed where her cowboy her'd fine
Her went ta school
An gots her job
Near tha H bar T rench
What were a real sandy spot
Tha lan' lady her 'vites the cowboy
frum up tha nex rench
Ta comes down fer a little supper
An ta meets tha new gal what are gonna teach.
Theys played cards er sumthin' or so her seys
An when him are ready ta leaves
Her axed him if'n he's cuds
Puts her saddle in the barn, please
Sunday her's was over ta tha school
Gittin ready fer ta teaches tha golden rule
When him done stops an tells her
He are a goin ta the ropin club
An seys theys room in tha car fer her.
Her seys hers will goes with um
But hers did unt axes
What kinda drinks theys serves
Et this club.
Him were a proud cowboy feller were he
His job were m-portatnt youse see
An sum times if'n he gits his work all done
Him jist mights calls her on tha tel-e-phone.
When Thanksgivin comed round
Her wents ta Kansas an seed her folks
An him wents ta Wyomin ta looks at a rench
When him did comed back
Him stops fer a spell
An when him are goin ta leaves
Her walks him oot ta the car ya sees
An tells him hers goin ta a weddin
On June Nine teenth
Him jist looks at her an seys
If'n him are supposed ta be's....
Well youse knows tha rest
Her done it
They's war forty seven years an two weeks
When her gits done tellin her grand gals
Theys mouths was open big
An her tells um
Yep her did
That's how youse
Comed ta be's.
Her telled Billy what her telled tha gals
An him seys, with a spark in his eye
Him were a weldin
"I's never did axed youse ta marrys me,
Youse knows youse er right."
Now when Billy looks down et her from aboves
Her kisses hers wedding ring with love
Cause on theys wedding bands youse'll finds
Tha stars an tha moon fer all times
I's mad that lan lady did unt vites me's down
Then maybe's them gran gals wud a
X.......John e Cowpoke
Stylish Zelli's shoes are unique,
they stand out in my neat boutique;
what a distinguished look
in a suit nobody took...
green cognac is gorgeous and chic!
A baby, pious, was born by aide
He named it Gaias, and felt like a jade
While he cried,
Cause mommy died.
His wife hired yet another maid.