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Funny Time Poems | Funny Poems About Time

These Funny Time poems are examples of Funny poems about Time. These are the best examples of Funny Time poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Couplet | |

Horse From Mars

HORSE FROM MARS

It came from the sky, a gray silver stallion.
I looked up high, and I have also seen a dragon.

With so many things in this universe.
I'm on stand-by with a camera in my purse. 

Who would have known I'd be the first to spot a PEGASUS.
The town folks wave hi every time I walk my hippopotamus.

I enjoy showing everyone, my pictures of a flying horse.
I don't see why they call a DOCTOR every time I call the TASK FORCE

I think they are jealous over all the things I've seen.
They act all crazy since I sighted a LEPRECHAUN when I was fourteen.

No one ever believed me when I saw an army of dragonflies.
They have a name for me "the boy who See's too much in the skies!"

I don't know why they can't see what I see.
For all I know they are all experiments under Alien Technology.

They don't believe me how I got this magic MEDALLION.
It was a friendly gift from the silver stallion.

I also have many pictures of a  UNICORN.
We became best-friends when he gave me a piece of its magic horn.

We sat together while he drank from the lake.
We enjoyed talking, --talking about how U.F.O.'s are fake.

Why can't they see? The day I fell off a boat, I got rescued by a MERMAID!
Who would have known a mermaid swim around with first-aid.

I also remember the day I followed a LEPRECHAUNS.
We were playing under the rainbow having so much fun.

When I told my doctor about all the things I've seen.
He locked me in a DUNGEON, thinking I was the ALIEN QUEEN.

I begged and I told him I don't believe in any type of alien.
Too bad the master of this dungeon came from another region.

In a way he looks like that one SILVER STALLION from Mars.
The first creature I'd seen the day I fell off the monkey bars.

I have this picture of this horse of course.
JUST help me out of this white-jacket!!! ;-)
If you want to see the coolest picture of a flying horse. 

   ~SKAT~
       &
(A small collaboration with: B-Boy)

re-post for ~FUNNY CONTEST


Details | Light Poetry | |

" Ike and Jane "- sequence 2

The name's Ike.
Some a ya might a met me before,
in my very first write,
and knew me as the stalker with the walker.
"Retired Romance" was the name,
Spoke about meetin' my wife,
She's here with me, name is Jane.
I likes ta call her the Mrs.,
cause I never thought that would happen again.
Now she like ta near smother me with kisses,
but gives me room ta write now and then.
We had us one of them honeymoons,
she says it ain't over yet.
But dang, if'n it ain't over soon,
we'll have ta call me in a vet!

Ennyways, I wanted ta give y'all a heads up
that I'll be a writin' from time to time .
We'd like ta thank y'all for the nice thumbs up,
'bout our first little Retired Romance rhyme,
and let y'all know that me and the Mrs. .. well..
.                                                  ..we doin' just fine !
.                  "Nite nite darlin."


Details | Narrative | |

And The Road Begins?

Mornings are dreadful time in life unless waking beside gorgeous woman hopefully 
a not married one  husbans can be such a downer.
And when ya wake to a warm beautiful creature by your side.
And the first thought that comes to your mind is i wonder whats for breakfest.

Then ya probaly cant read the menu to start with and desserve 
to have a oversized weight lifter re arrange your ribs.

Im a southern man once means several things  non of which means im normal.
And this morning finds my yerning for a trip and widespread  mischief.
My amigo had vanished after are trip south of the boarder I remember saying 
to myself as i watched him  running naked across the dessert  being chased 
by the flying monkeys  he was surley seeing after his consumption of a foreign substance 

There goes a fine american.

I would have ran after him  but  but i didnt want thoose things to turn there attention to me 
I herd they had a thing for southern  actscents.
And theres nothing  worse than a bunch of horney flying monkeys trust me 
Ive delt with this problem  befor.

and being it was happy hour i knew my slightly insane amigo would understand 
in all his naked glory.
Besides  I left him some sneakers  and a sixpack.
And kept his credit card for safe keeping.

Naked men have no place to keep credit cards and I figured he was in no state to handle 
money.

So as i sit  behind  the wheel  ready to to get lost in the madness of fast food and
  the ant hill of insanity that is wall mart i turn my thoughts to vegas.
For where would a lost nude slightly insane person  run to and feel at home.

I had turn the music up to drown out the sound of whoever was in the trunk.
I figured if i had put sombody in there  in a drunken moment.
It had to be for a good reason.

And so with slightly hungover mindset are road begins.
and so with that do the games also.
And i figured hanging around with a cops wife wasnt the smartest idea.
That and im allergic to bullets.

My muse and 16 year old spirtiual advisor had phoned me to say that.
I probaly needed to Invest in the spirt of Jack Daniels  today.
And hey she had went to church more than once  so who was I to argue.

With a five five spitfire by the name of tinker.
so with A unknown companion in the trunk not helping my hangover i was off
to the races  Untill next time kiddies. 
Adios and im off to find my amigo.


Details | Rhyme | |

Santa Jack

With Christmas time coming
It's time to call Jack
Sears needs a Santa
to get the Families back

They look for his number
It's no where to be found
They look in all the drawers
Managers buzzing all around

Then almost like magic
Who walks through the door
Sure enough it's Jack
no need to search anymore

His boots are all shiney
His beard white as snow
He looks like Santa's twin
His eyes even glow

Retail season is saved
The people coming in today
Will get to see Santa Jack
And put gifts on Lay Away

The children all love him
They don't give him a break
Poor Santa Jack has to go
His knees start to shake

He drops little Johny 
Jumps over some trees
Slipping on a present 
He falls down on his knees

The real Santa's watching
Down in the North Pole
A special gift for Santa Jack
This year he won't get Coal

Perhaps a red new suit
with some non slip boots
No more nasty stains
When Santa Jack gets the toots

For Carol Eastman's Christmas Contest.
I think the kids will enjoy Santa Jack.




Dedicated to my friend Jack, a jolly old soul who's never lived at the North Pole.


Details | Lyric | |

Yard Sale Cowboy On CD

From here to wherever, I'll follow a yard sale sign,
it's a past time endeavor, for my collective state of mind,
I may buy some furniture, or a trinket for a dime,
yard saling is a pleasure, yes, a personal hobby of mine,

Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, on the trail of search and find,
and it gives me great joy, to see a yard sale sign,
from here to wherever, cloudy days or sunshine,
I'm searching for that treasure, ain't no telling what I'll find,

I may find brand new things, boots, shoes, or clothes the right size,
silver and gold chains or rings, or an antique will catch my eyes,
I could find my brother a nice bass lure, or a spool of fishing line,
or maybe a nice piece of furniture, or something for a friend of mine,

Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, on the trail of search and find,
and it gives me great joy, to see a yard sale sign,
It's a past time endeavor, for my collective state of mind,
Yard saling is a pleasure, ain't no telling what I"ll find,

Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, I just spotted a yard sale sign,
searching is a pleasuree, ain't no telling what I'll find,
I may find an old bass lure, or a spool of fishing line,
now one thing is for sure, I just found my cat a ball of twine,
and look here, I found my ol' dog a bone to grind,

Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, on the trail of search and find,
I may find an old bass lure, or a spool of fishing line,
from here to wherever, cloudy days or sunshsine,
I'm a yard sale cowboy, on the trail of search and find,
Yea, I'm a yard sale cowboy, ain't no telling what I'll find,

Hey Bud, how much for that there what-cha-ma-call-it?
Naw Naw, Naw, that there thing-a-ma-jig, there next to that do-ma-flitchie,
Yea, Yea, that thinga-ma-jig right there.....ya say three dollars..um-m-m..OK...
I'll take it...here ya go.....and how much for that do-daddy over there?
Yea, yea, right next to those 2 onion skin tires...Uh Huh..yea..well I'll be..
Well yea..I'll take it too...it's something I just can't live without...ha ha ha..


Details | Narrative | |

- To All Four-legged AND Two-legged -


Hello to all four-legged and two-legged friends in the big world
The people who take care of us, do not know as much as they think
We are probably smarter than they are
Take for example, that little cell phone that our people
always have with them wherever they go
What we do.....lift the foot and "send a message" to a friend
When I am out and walking with my people I get many interesting "messages"
Some "messages" are very interesting and take a little longer time to "read"
Then my people impatient, pulling and struggling the leash
What they can not understand that I must "answer" to all "messages"
Our "conversations" and "messages" are equally important
Think about it....they are also free....there is no expense
When their cell phone call or pling they take time to respond
Hello all two-legged humans our messages are just as important as yours









16.June.2012
A-L Andresen :)
Copyright © All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

December 21, 2012

The world as we know it will end!
This warning the Mayans did send
But yes there's still time
After reading this rhyme
To honor Black Friday and spend


Details | Rhyme | |

THE AGING PROCESS

Many years ago, when we were all young,
We really thought life, would be so much fun.
While playing dress-up, trying on mom’s stuff,
Putting on make-up, we found to be tough.

Then came our schooling, and boy things would change,
“Those aren’t our parents”, when they acted strange.
Sometimes they were hip, but old-fashioned too,
That’s something I swore, I would never do.

Wishing you were older, adults had it made,
They would do nothing, yet still would be paid.
That is how little, we all had known,
We surely found out, once we were grown.

Loving the twenties, we’d go out with friends,
When we went shopping, we followed the trends.
Doing what we wanted, and staying out late,
It didn’t matter, what time we all ate.

Then came the thirties, and most of us wed,
Watch what you wish for, my parents had said.
We had to work hard, many bills to pay,
I guess they were right, what more can I say?

Raising your children, was hardest of all,
Needing some advice, your parent’s you’d call.
It seemed so easy, they needed no rest,
So now it’s your turn, you learned from the best.

The forties arrived, that was a shocker,
We’d spend lots of time, just at the doctor.
Back aches and headaches, so tired you’d be,
Trying not to cough, or else you would pee.

The fifties would come, and your grandkids too,
Where were your glasses? You hadn’t a clue.
You searched here and there, and under the bed,
“Hey grandma” they laughed, “They’re right on your head”.

Here come the sixties, now let’s have some fun,
You are retired; your work is all done.
To dinner with friends, you dressed and you wait,
They never show up, you have the wrong date.

Now the seventies, with friends playing games,
If only you could, remember their names.
You try hard to hide, those under-eye bags,
Gravity happens, and everything sags.

Enjoy every day, and have a good laugh,
All the steps you took, led down a new path.
Live life as it comes, each year a new page,
One thing is for sure, everyone will age.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Optimistic Pessimists Resolutions

Get in shape, lose some weight. Every year it’s always the same. Read a book, stay home and cook, And I only have myself to blame. Till some land, lend a hand. You’d think that I’d be smart enough, Cards to send to a sick friend, To ignore this self-improvement stuff. Get more sleep, don’t sell cheap. But it is an annual institution, Take a class, use less gas. To make a New Year’s resolution. Eat less meat, be more discrete, Why must they always be so hard? Be more caring, try more sharing, This time of year puts me on my guard. Be more polite, sleep at night, I wish for an easy way I will confess. Work hard all day, don’t over stay, To keep the resolutions that I express. Only say what you mean today, What if I only made an easy pick? Do your best to skew the test, Then my word would surely stick. Eat more snacks, take more naps, I’ll confuse my karma and trick it. Watch TV, look out for me, This might be just the ticket. Stay up late while cheating fate, This is a New Year’s revolution, I’ll make my list then I’ll insist, That I keep this year’s resolution. And when it’s time to stay in line, But my promises I fail to keep. I’ll not hide as I backslide, As the benefits I will reap. I’ll be complete whenever I cheat, And by default I’ll do what I should. It won’t make me sad when I do bad, Because my failing will only do me good.


Details | Rhyme | |

His Nose

The nose he wears sits on his head
It's big and round and very red;
And in the dark it always glows
It must be awful to own that nose.
There's two dark holes filled with hair
With whatever else that's hidden there;
Each time I see with great surprise
That glow that sits between his eyes.
It shines as though when night meets day
There never could be another way;
I wonder too if he can tell
If red affects his sense of smell. 
Perhaps the problem is I think
He's had in time too much to drink;
I suggested then to paint it white
And he seemed to think this was alright.

For Frank Herrera's Zaniest Poetry Contest
Elizabeth Wesley


Details | Light Poetry | |

Its Christmas Time in Dodge City

(To the tune of Silver Bells) Wooden sidewalks, and the shop fronts, Dressed in wild western style In the jail there’s a feeling of Christmas Cattle mooing, cowboys shooting Riding mile after mile And down at the Long Branch you hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Mobs in street fights try to stay polite While they bleed red and scream As the towns folk rush home To take cover Hear the jaws crunch See the kids bunch It’s Matt Dillon’s big scene As he catches the rustlers you’ll hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Silver spurs, silver spurs Soon it will be Christmas day. Soon it will be Christmas day.
When we travel in the car we sing to the radio. The other night, Silver Bells came on and I sang Dodge City to make my wife laugh.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Paradox

Merry Christmas and all that stuff and don’t forget to write, Now if you would all be on your way I’d like a silent night. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed your stay, I have you must believe me, I just wish that it were over now because your leaving would relieve me. I’d like to say that the magic of this day would be with me until I die, But out of respect for the holiday I feel that it would be wrong to lie. I’ve spent the time following you around and picking up after your kids, Putting food back in the refrigerator and closing up all of the lids. I’ve even picked up your smelly socks after making Christmas dinner, While you’ve all gotten fat it seems that I’ve grown that much thinner. But when next year comes you’d better be here to visit with Santa Claus, Don’t tell me that you’ll spend Christmas time over at your in-laws. Because Christmas is a family time and we all should be together, And you can tell your in-laws that you’ll be theirs on Arbor Day forever.


Details | Ode | |

Ode to Trevor

We'd really like to thank you
i'm sure you left it here with love,
it really was so kind of you
but we didn't want your bug.

We thought you'd like to know
we really felt the pits
we thought of you quite often
when we had the squits.

Next time you come to visit
please leave your bugs at home,
'cause, when you bring them with you
they sure do like to roam.

So next time that we see you
I hope you come alone,
you can bring Rosie and Katie
but leave your bugs at home.


Details | Verse | |

Enigma's Calling

Extraordinary, I am 
Craving for unusual thoughts
Endless exploration without boundary
Understanding  the gift I shouldn't fought
 
Invisible drawings in my mind
Playing with the words in my head
My passion
The food of my soul
 
I feel so lucky
The random thoughts
A lifetime companion
A self esteem builder
A goal planner
Be my forever life saver
 
I write more
I talk less
I want to please
I chose to bore
 
What tickles me the most
Is to know what I'm for
Thinking is my love
When  my mind goes empty
That's when I hate
 
My day dreaming lust
Organizing things in my mind
Playing roles of simulation
Where images of art is my vision
And words of attitude is my heart


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Man in the Mirror

My father-in-law went through this phase with his Alzheimer's.


We’ve recently noticed that grandpa has made himself a friend,
We’re pretty sure that this one will stay with him until the end.

The new guy has his room right next door to my grandpa’s place,
And every time my gramps stands at the window he can see his face.

It seems that the two of them are as compatible as can be,
And they both decorate the same as near as gramps can see.

Gramps visits with his friend to share iced tea and a smile,
Until they both run out of steam and decide to nap for a while.

They make a pretty good team they’re just like day and night,
The new guy uses his left hand and Gramps prefers his right.

And Grandpa never looks in the window just to stand and stare,
But every time he walks past the thing the other guy is there.

Grandpa says the only thing about this guy that might turn into a curse,
Is that the guy is so good looking and he might steal away the nurse.


Details | Free verse | |

Bending Spoons

 

...A poem
is a spoon
that you can bend
with your mind.

It depends on psi
if you 
are mutant 
X or Y 
a paranormal opportunity 
or a wild talent
of psionic penmanship .

Stare at the pattern 
on the handle
as you imagine 
the handle
either roses or unicorns
are emblazon here.

So much the better
as your mind
bends the words
and the metal obeys...

Spoon begins to tremble
there is no knife
to run away with.

Then comes
the period
like an empty plate.
to contain
a bent spoon
with squeezed letters...


Details | Ode | |

Quips My EX GIRLFRIEND revisited


     1.   My ex-girlfriend tried to impress me when
          She told me that she is "Fasting"!  And I knew
          That she was true because, I saw just how
          Fast she ate that basket of chicken.......

      2.  The next time that she told me that she was "Fasting"
           It was three (03) double meat Whoppers!  And I have never
           Seen three (03) double meat Whoppers go so quicK......

       3. My ex-girlfriend was so upset!  She explained that when
           She was young that she could bounce a dime
           Off of her butt.  Only now, when she bounce the same dime
           It only flops!
         
  So, I looked on the bright side and told her that now she can
           Bounce a quarter on her belly button and it only drops!

         4. The last time that I saw her, she was "Fasting" on a
             box of cookies.
          
          * And boy, those (03) box's of cookies sure went fast!



Explanation: That is none sence and no one got fat in the making of this pun!
           
 
    4. I just hate it when my ex-girlfriend call's me!  Usually I keep my
       cell phone on vibrate and in my front pocket. My EX-friend
        Know's this.  She also, know's that I have a bladder problem!  Every time
        she blow's up my phone it make's me pee!
        I know that I hate it, but she give's me such a warm feeling and I take
        what I can get!
                                    

     5. My ex-girlfriend is so stupid that she can't ever give me a piece of
         her mind!  She has to get an substitute..... Ha! Ha! Ha!   He, He, He!

      6.My ex-girlfriend, She alway's cut me short!........  She wanted to give 
         me a piece of her mind, buy, she didn't have enough brain cell's left! Ha! Ha!
         Feel the Joke! Uh!

EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS?

       1.  When you "Pass Gas" and you know you did........
            And no-body heard it........ Is it proper to wait for someone
            to smell it first, before you say, excuse me..........
            Is it really too late....... That is what my girlfriend doe's!

       * I would just blame it on a friend!


Moments To Share:

       My ex-girl friend and I were discussing a poem that I wrote! She told
       me that it was an perfect oxymoron.......

       I told her that she was just a moron!


Words' To Live by:
       I was trying to explaine my mis-giving's to my EX-girlfriend......
       I told her that the problem was, not that I really love you, because
       I don't!  The problem is that I just can't get you out of my mind!


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Wind in my Mind

The wind is blowing through my mind
Not gently breezing through.
It ruffles my thoughts and jumbles them
It will take time to file them anew
I like to file my thoughts in order
Of good ones and of bad
Its keeps things on a steady level
And stops one going mad

Happy thoughts are lifted
To the very fore
Memories of when we first met
You were sitting on the floor
The party was a bit of a flop
We left together and walked
And as we got to know each other
We talked and talked and talked

The wind is blowing stronger
The bad times it reminds
We split up for a lifetime
Well it seemed so in our minds
You persevered and asked me out
I decided you were true
My memory of our wedding day
And how happy I was with you

We had a little flat and furnished it with love.
The trouble was we were ground floor
And the water came in from above.

I look back through some memories
All tumbling in the breeze
The hard times the fun and laughter
The winter of the big freeze
We booked a holiday that year
The best time we ever had
I know it scared us half to death because I was so bad.
It’s a pity I missed part of it as to hospital I went
The baby we were having, to be born he seemed hell bent.

The wind is blowing on my head, now I fight with it for real
It’s just ripped off the shed roof, it looks like it’s been peeled
I better shut my memory box and find my hammer and nails
And fight with wind that’s blowing outside and stop my reminiscent gales.



Details | Couplet | |

Twenty Quid Is Twenty Quid

Bill and Blanche set off, to the 'Yorkshire Show' they did go
T'was a yearly trip, and they would always show.

Each time Bill says to Blanche ‘On that elicopter I’d like to ride.’
Blanche always replied’ but it's twenty quid Bill’ and then she and Bill sighed.

'Twenty quid is twenty quid Bill, you always told me that'
‘Tha’s right me old love,’ and he’d give his wallet a pat.

The next year Bill looked, at the elicopter, and he tried once more
‘I’m seventy-five Blanche, there not much time left for me to soar.’

‘Bill, it’s twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid.
So we’ll not go on the elicopter ride, of that idea you must get rid.’

Bill looked at the elicopter and agreed twenty quid was twenty quid
Of that one idea though, he could never really get rid.

Bill was desperate to ride on that elicopter whirring thing
The pilot overheard the couple, and then he made Bill’s heart sing.

I’ll take you on board, but not one word must you say
If you keep TOTALLY quiet, not one pound or penny will you pay.

Bill and Blanche climbed on board ,for the ride of their life
Not one word did Bill utter, nor his terrified wife.

The pilot looped the loop, he dived and twisted and turned
Not one word did the pilot hear, yet even his stomach churned.

He landed and spoke to Bill and he said ‘I am impressed’
I twisted and I turned and I really tried my best.

Bill said to the pilot ‘Well I nearly gave in lad, and I nearly spoke’
‘Twas when the wife fell out, but you know us Yorkshire folk.’

I watched her spiral down; I nearly shouted, but thought that’s absurd
‘And tha knows twenty quid is twenty quid lad, and you said NOT one word.’

©~GG~17/11/2012
Taken from a joke sent to me by Jack Horne and continuing the theme Harry uses of Yorkshire Humour.
Quid Slang name for pound sterling
Yorkshire folk drop their 'h's


Details | Rhyme | |

I'LL NE'ER FORGET THAT DAY OLD MATE

My heart was pumping hard that day I faced the maddening crowd, 
Despite the spinning in my head I stood there mighty proud. 
Though racked with pain my reddened hand acknowledged them a wave 
And to this day I've ne'er forgot, the accolades they gave. 
 
It was a dream come true you see to stand there in that ring, 
For rodeo was in my blood and one day I'd be king. 
The beast I drew was mean and lean ... no Chainsaw I admit, 
But still if I could just ride time I'd show them I had grit. 
 
I'd limbered up behind the chute preparing for the ride, 
Well knowing what was just ahead, but took it in my stride. 
The chute boss called, "You've drawn chute five, get down and make it quick." 
Then as I eyed the beast below ... I suddenly felt sick.  
 
That brute it tried to climb the gate and bellowed cries of fear, 
While chute hands fought to organise the necessary gear. 
I felt the violent quiver of the hide between my chaps, 
The smell of sweat, the cry of men ... a change of mind perhaps? 
 
Too late I felt the rope pulled taut and shoved within my glove, 
I thought it's now or never mate and sent a prayer above. 
Then as I pulled my Colly down I yelled out, "Let him go!" 
The gate flew open ... it was on ... 'twas time to rodeo. 

With whites of eyes all full of hate that beast did twist and turn, 
'Twas obvious my frame aboard was something he did spurn. 
Eight seconds on this beast from hell seemed like eternity, 
For ev'ry muscle which I owned screamed out in agony. 

Between the jars and twists and turns I heard the crowd all cheer, 
Then at long last that blessed sound of hooter in my ear. 
The pick up man then pulled me clear and was I proud ... not half! 
I'll ne'er forget that day old mate I rode that poddy calf. 

 
 


Details | Personification | |

Customer Service...I'm Still waiting

I'm still waiting
How much time has elapsed
Think I'll read
While I'm waiting
I just read a chapter

I do believe my call is being answered
No, a voice on a machine echoes
"Your call will be taken in the order in which it was received"

Great
What number caller was I
Probably the 1000th caller
I'll touch up my manicure
While I'm waiting

I'm still waiting
Rats
I smudged my polish on one nail
Wonder If I have time to fix it
Before they break their necks to take my call

They must be averaging one call every ten minutes
I'll continue reading

Another chapter done
I'm still waiting


Details | Blank verse | |

Love Song

Here’s what I’m thinking now 
at the end of the world: 

There are no atheists in foxholes— 
no theists in politics. 
If knowledge is power, 
and power corrupts, 
then why did I bother reading you, Cicero? 

Does it matter that I didn't’t love you? 
Would it have mattered if I did? 

There’s a poetry reading tonight 
whence I’I'll chide other poets 
who don’t sit alone. 
I won’t bring up death 
but I might have to breathe, 
even into a mike 
and mouth lines to get a snap or a boo 
maybe even a wince or two. 

Just maybe I’I'll talk about love 
and how following your heart is like following a dog— 
it only leads to vittles and (female dogs). 
But how many times have I used that line 
since the story I wrote about you, 
a witty and sexy and fictional you? 
Most likely I’I'll read something tonight about you. 

I won’t recite it from memory 
because I don’t think about you that much anymore, 
not even when I search for my socks in your drawer 
or when I put on the scratchy sweaters you give me, 
horizontally striped to bring out my eyes? 

I don’t remember your eyes 
except they are blue. 
And I don’t remember you, 
not even when I smell cucumber and apple, 
not even when I sleep on my side of the bed 
or when you walk through the door 
happy to see me; 
even then I don’t remember you. 
Does it matter that I don’t love you? 
Would it have mattered if I did? 

How about a few one-liners 
for the end of days?— 

Depression is self-awareness, 
which you’d know if you were; 
I need Ritalin to listen to you, 
Lithium to hug you, 
Viagra to feel you, 
and Valium to sleep. 

All you need 
is me standing there, waiting at home 
with turns of phrase and word plays 
telling you about why I hate Ayn Rand 
but want to buy as much as I can 
and how I love celebrity gossip 
and detest poetry slams 
and find rhyming trite 
except when I am. 

Hypocrites can still be right, 
which you do understand 
because you nod at my nonsense 
about fighting the man. 

But now, at the end of all things— 
I’m speechless and witless and pointlessly well-read, 
and you’re just sitting there, smiling 
asking me to pass the bread.


Details | Free verse | |

My Unhappy Lazyboy

After a long work day I come home to a long warm shower.  It was getting late into 
evening hours.  I sat down in my favorite black leather chair.  Not knowing I was in for a big 
scare.  I rolled a joint and sat back fully reclined.  I was getting high out of my mind.
       As I was enjoying my weed, I almost choked because a voice spoke beneath me!  I 
jumped up and listened to my chair spit profanity.  I wondered if I was loosing my sanity.  
My lazyboy said, "Don't be scared, sit down and talk to me!"
       I seriously thought I was dreaming.  Like an out-of-body experience waking up 
screaming.  No this is real, very real.  I just knew my chair was about to do a cartwheel!
       "No need looking around wearing a frown, you been sitting down on me for years; so 
have no fear.  No it's not the weed, you're seeing clearly, so sit down and listen to me."
       I sat down in utter shock, resting my buttocks.  As my chair began to explain.
       "No Jimmy you're not going insane, but I feel you're causing me harm.  I have burns, 
scratches, now dust all along my arms.  I'm left with a permanant frown.  I desperately need 
a rub down.  I don't wanna be mean, but get some disinfectant and clean.  The way I'm living 
is obscene!"
       No more explanations were needed.  So after a good wipe down it was obvious I had 
succeeded.  My lazyboy's black leather had a nice shine.  Now I wanted to rest my spine.
       "Ah I feel so much better.  Now I can go back into a deep sleep.  You can go back 
enjoying your weed or nicotine.  Just remember my hygiene, and from time to time give me 
a clean - Thank you."
       I could have sworn my lazyboy gave me a wink.  I shook my head, tomorrow I would 
go see a shrink!
 
 
 
For Matt Caliri contest "Spea Chair! Speak!


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Seventh Day

God took his time to make the world and we are truly blessed, 
He worked so hard for six long days but then He took His rest. 
A whole day off from His creation so what’s a deity to do? 
He slept late then got Himself some premium coffee to brew. 
Then He made himself some cinnamon buns and ate them on the deck, 
He wondered how things were back on Earth but resisted the urge to check. 
They’ll be fine for just one day. How much trouble could they find? 
I left them alone in a paradise and now it’s My turn to unwind. 
Then He remembered the serpent and the tree of wrong and right, 
And He began to worry that they’d never make it to the morning light. 
So He put on a robe and grabbed His keys and headed for the door, 
Then He stopped himself before He left and He paced across the floor. 
If He couldn’t trust them for even one day then what good would they be? 
So He decided to make a mutton sandwich and go and watch TV. 
But He couldn’t concentrate on the game and He was running out of chips, 
And taking a little walk in the garden would be much better for His hips. 
He went to check up on the kids in Eden and what do you suppose?
Sure enough He found the two of them running around in clothes.
They pointed fingers at each other and at the snake and at the tree,
And all the while He thought to Himself, they really do need Me.
That’s why God keeps Himself available no matter what the time or day,
So when we are in need of his strength we only have to pray.
Who knows? Maybe someday we’ll realize what there is at stake,
We’ll be able to take care of ourselves and then God can take a break.
But not yet.


Details | Burlesque | |

Man

I’m a man
In case you couldn’t see
I don’t use the word “poopie”
And I’m addicted to TV
I’m a man
Who doesn't have time to bleed
But who still has compassion
For blind, busty women in need
I’m a man
Who isn’t defined by “it”
Though affectionate enough
To scratch a public itch
I’m a man
Driven by real adventure
Falling asleep on the sofa
Still wearing my dentures
I’m a man
A wild stud in full bloom
Waiting in the Jacuzzi 
Picking my Fruit of the Loom
I’m a man
Who hates to be mean
Crying in the bathroom
When it’s time to clean
I’m a man
Nothing more or less
A mountain of masculinity
Who never ceases to impress


Details | Quatrain | |

4 in less than forty

                           1 

Have to be somewhere in 40 mins
Enough time to write at least one
Fortunately I’m not using and pens
Else I would not be close to done

Of course you see the form I write
One familiar yet still complicated
It should be easy I write every night
Why my poems are often post dated

Halfway there only three minutes gone
Can I write eleven of these in my time
Maybe but could I post them all as well
Not sure, but I wouldn’t even bet a dime

The last I didn’t rhyme of first and third
I will admit I normally will rhyme abab
But in my amount of time that’s absurd
I am trying to finish quickly as you see

                             2

I already finished one how about another
The next line already in my head of course
Now you are probably saying o brother
This guy is a distinct body member of a horse

Really it’s just practice and having a bit of fun
I am definitely bored at this very early hour
I’m also texting a friend here and think of pun
I’d tell her what I think, but she might be sour

The last of course was purely a joke my friend
No evil thoughts currently in my head Miss PD
I at present, do not have that emotion to lend
Or maybe it was serious the last stanza hehehe

This is so much fun, a great way to pass time
You should try it, if you would possibly dare
I have said time a million times in my rhyme
Take time reading them, go ahead and stare


Details | Rhyme | |

Imagine All Over Toilet Paper

To all you varmints
Who like to squeeze the Charmin's
I went to the grocery store one day 
And someone had the Charmin's squeezing away
I said hey what are you doing that for
Like come on right in the store
She looked at me like i was spun
Like it was something i had ever done
So i gave a little squeeze to see how she liked it 
Another women saw me and started having a fit
Hey she said don't do that 
So your the culprit that makes the rolls flat 
Well i was stunned so i said real fast
No she did it first i did it last
I was just trying to teach her a lesson you see
Squeezing the Charmin's that was the first time for me
Well now i had done it i was caught in the act
And i don't squeeze the Charmin's and that's a fact
She twisted my words upside down
Made me look like a total clown
There i was in the middle of a war 
Right in the middle of the grocery store 
The moral to the story is don't squeeze the Charmin's
Their is a lot of people looking for those varmints


Details | Free verse | |

Georgia Muse

I went to Georgia without my bonjo in my hand I knew it would be great after I landed and took a stand I told them my name and they asked, "What's your fame?" I reached for my muse and turned it loose like a goose They straightened their ties and said “O’ me, O’ my!” “We made a mistake about this poetic rhyming guy!” Someone handed me a bonjo and they all joined the tango My muse had its way and we had a wonderful stay As we departed for home they started to sing, “Hurry back poet, may your muse give you wings!”


Details | Free verse | |

Head Chef

The special today,
is Tom's Stew,
more than enough,
for all of you.
Homemade bread,
with garlic, and chives,
real butter without calories,
dripping from the sides.
Strawberry Shortcake,
heaping with cream,
fresh from scratch,
right out of a dream.
Eat all you want,
get happy, and stuffed,
take some with you,
he insist you have enough.
Open all night,
his lights always on,
place your orders,
before it is all gone.


Details | I do not know? | |

HEARING THINGS

Long ago, when I was young,
Before my hearing began to fail,
Why, I could hear a boll weevil
Tiptoe across a cotton bale.
                                                  
But many years have come and gone;
The ghetto blaster took its toll.
Now I couldn't hear an elephant
Dance in clogs with wooden soles.