Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

Funny Husband Poems | Funny Poems About Husband

These Funny Husband poems are examples of Funny poems about Husband. These are the best examples of Funny Husband poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.

Details | Rhyme | |

BLACK and BLUE

BLACK and BLUE

Today I wonder, 
Wonder why?
You hit me in the eye, 
you made me cry.

My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?

My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?

My teeth are white, 
I just lost three, 
Is that what I get over a little fight? 
 
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited, 
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
        
 SK

NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops


Details | Narrative | |

Granny Panty Annie, the Tranny

Lemme tell ya' about a
*ding-bat skit-zo 
bee-hotch* tranny
named Annie...

I met her one night 
under disco lights 
up at Candies

She was 
starin' at me
grittin' her teeth
aimin' ta' see 
if I wanted a piece
of he 
OR
of she 
by way of flashin' granny panties

She was
shootin' pool
actin' a fool
so I 
took a shot
and one tiny glance 
but got caught

So I
lit up a smoke
and tried to play it off cool
but it was too late
she had pulled up a stool

She slurred,
"Hey young felluh, where ya' been all my life!"

I replied, 
"Sorry to burst yir' bubble, but I got a wife!"

"That don't matter kid, what she don't know won't hurt the girl" 
as she fisted my collar and yelled, "I'LL ROCK YIR' WORLD! Annie the Tranny is what they call me. Bet you been wanted ta' bone me since you first saw me!"

Fear and frustration danced on my face
I begged the bouncer to 
"Get this he/she outta the place!"

My pleas were to no avail, 
and that sea donkey lurked hot on my trail
flailin' it's arms and grindin' bar stools with it's tail

Speakin' of tails...
a shiny blue wale tail crept up her back
Her jeans were mean, but couldn't hold her underwear's elastic slack
but at least it beat feastin' eyes upon her crack
then she... 
wrapped her grimy hands around my neck and asked, 
"You n' me, boy, what the heck!?!"

I screamed,
"Look here lady, you seem real nice for a tranny;
but...
ya' see...
ya' need 
to hit the bricks,
you
and yir' Granny Panties!"

At that point the joint started to really heat up
people were glarin' like they really wanted me beat up
I can't recall how the hell I got out of there 
alive and free
it was like a big manly freight train
headin' dead at me

I'm pretty sure I owe the good Lord a big favor
that beast was the devil
and Jesus was my Savior!

It's a night I thought would never end... 
the night at Candies Bar n' Grill
Granny Panty Annie got a thrill 
tryin' to make me her sexy friend!!!




Details | Limerick | |

Viagra Falls

There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'

but when it got little 
his pills became skittles   
until he O.D.'d on Viagra

© ~JSLambert  2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!


Details | Narrative | |

EVE will remain with ADAM -Chris D A

A DINNER INVESTMENT (for Eve)

My husband Chris Adams always wines and dines me.
In the most expensive places one can eat.

Arriving in LIMO style.
Waiting upon the waiters greet.
Viewing the menu I reply, "Hun I am ready to order."
1 T-bone steak, fully cook the meat.

At our table, walked a gorgeous snake eyed women.
Who leaned over my husband's seat
Approaching my Chris with a big wet kiss.
I stomp my husband on his feet.
Giving him the look when I get pissed.
She slithers with her tongue into my Adams ear and whispers 
 "Later, go to that hotel where we always meet"
With one stare I yell, "Chris how could you cheat!"
"I had enough, I want a divorce MR.ADAMS!"
Slapping him in the moment of heat.
He replies, "She is my mistress Bath-Sheba my dear EVE!"
"I do not love her my sweet."
"I understand if you want a divorce!" Mr. Adams replied.
"Remember, no more furs, luxury suite, Winters in Barbados,
 Summers in Tuscany."
"Infinity or Lexus, and first class plane seats."
"Forget about the Yacht Club."
"Party by the swimming pool of one hundred feet."
"It is up to you my Kitty Skat Eve to give it all up."
"You decide if these diamonds you want to keep."

Without thinking of taking a leap.
I see Mr. Adams business partner Cain with a Jezebel in his arms.
I ask my husband Chris in a small peep. 
"Do not tell me that Cain commits Adultery to?"
"Cain's blond looks really cheap, as if she works the street."
"Well, our mistress is prettier, and looks real sweet."
"Honey our mistress Bath-Sheba is worth the keep."
"Mr. Adams tonight you can call me Steve and not Eve,
 What ever it takes to satisfy your needs, and my gold lust!"
**************************************

(The moral of the story is what some Eve's  will do to keep their investment,
 I mean Adam's.) A joke and dedication to the most blunt Poet
 Of the soup, Chris D. Aechtner 
For THE Eve in Eden* (Contest) *


Details | Limerick | |

An Unappreciated Housewife

He walks into the room each day at six
As around their Dad all five children mix
     He smiles at them with glee
     Meantime he sneers at me
So I get prepared to take all his licks

“What have you been doing all day?” he asks
No appreciation for all my tasks
     “Washed clothes and changed diapers
     Don’t need any gripers”
This insensitive father wears two masks

Each morning his breakfast is served on time
Later, vodka collins are served with lime
     He never shops for food
     Says my cooking’s no good
And when he bathes, the tub is filled with grime

My Mom said, “Men just work from sun to sun,
But a woman’s housework is never done” 
     I found a new game plan
     A hearty, handsome man
Together, my husband we could outrun




May 25, 2012
*Entry for David’s 3 H contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Snore No More

    ~~~~  Snore !! No More !! ~~~~

He was asleep on his stomach.
His snoring could wake the dead.
She glared at his sleeping back
wanting to push him out of bed.

She covered her ears with a pillow
trying to block out the sound.
An evil thought ran though her head,
"There were no witnesses around".

She crept out to the kitchen
She could have stomped ... he wouldn't hear.
With the largest butcher knife
she returned to her husband dear..


Right between his shoulder blades,
one thrust ... he snored no more.
She gathered the blankets around him
to keep the blood off the white shag floor.


Then the snoring started again.
She let out a startled scream
and sat bolt upright in her bed.
It had all been just a dream.

He was asleep on his stomach.
His snoring could wake the dead.
She stared at his sleeping back
and wanted to punch him in the head.


10/07/2012











Details | Quatrain | |

Laughter The Best Medicine

Forty years of married life, the couple set out to celebrate
Fine dining beautiful wine, and a waltz with stumbling gait
Turning to her husband she demands for him to remember details
Quickly he answers, “Yes darling, your beautiful dress, my hat and tails.”

He walked beside her hand in hand she notices a tear drop that falls
Thinking he’s sentimental she demands to know what he does recall
Sighing wistfully looking at the stars he tells her, it was before they did wed
Your father had a shotgun, he said if I didn’t turn up I'd wish I was dead.

“Why do you remember that, is there nothing more romantic you can say?”
The virago of a wife demands more memories of the wedding day…
The husband sighs “He said he would send me to jail for forty years at the very least“ 
I just had a thought, if I hadn’t married you, tomorrow would be my day of release……


© 28/11/2012~GG~ 

Entry for Laughter The Best Medicine sponsored by Vie


Details | Narrative | |

The Tale of the Dirty Dick

Girls, if you ever find a man of great persistence
Listen to your ******, and say NO! with adequate resistance
You see chicks, when a dude gets a hard dick
If it's dirty, it can make you super sick
Painful pisses and cloudy urine will follow suit
All because Dirty Dick Man wanted to discharge his root
So, ladies, beware...there are diseases out there
No Dick gets serviced until it's clean and faire
Run, scream, shout, "Spank your ****ing monkey!"
Please, I beg of you, do as I now  propose
Keep your ****** sparkling clean-never let it decompose.


Details | Verse | |

What's in the Boot of the Car

Being stuck in a traffic jam
I was shocked to see
A sticker in the window 
of a car in front of me:
It held a lurid message
Of dark and deep despair;
Ex husband locked in the boot 
Open it if you dare.

I laughed a bit, then paused for thought!
What if it really were true,
How do I know theres nothing there?
If I did, What would I do?
I decided I would follow her
Then take a peek inside'
After all you don’t post a note
Of what you wish to hide!

I opened the boot cautiously
And much to my surprise!
A jack-in-the-box sprung out
and hit me between the eyes.
I now know why the boots are up
In the car sales sites I pass:
It confirms no husbands are in them
Who’ve been poisoned shot or gassed.

Robert Cartwright-Davidson (RabCD)


Details | Rhyme | |

The Yard Sale Syndrome

Shrunken sweaters, dusty ball caps
Tarnished silver, and hedge clippers
Pointed hat pins, gaudy jewelry
Faded jeans and worn out slippers
Greasy fry pan, wobbly table
Crates of dog-eared musty books
Tattered doilies, ragged Barbies
One brown old crock pot that still cooks

Rusty shovel, dented buckets
Ma's old apron, broken dishes
Dated calendar, crooked lampshade
Chipped glass bowl for all your fishes
Ugly painting, candle holders
One old bike for exercising
Broken TV, toaster oven
Doesn't work....it's not surprising!

What's the point?" our husbands mutter
While we fill the garage with clutter
I explain to him..."She buys mine, and I buy hers"
"What's the point of shopping stores??!"
"Now...don't you know the grass is greener?"
"OH GOOD!"  "She's bought my vacuum cleaner!"

Just then I point across the street!!
Another yard sale.....and we both shriek!!

He points at me and shakes his fist
But I'll just ignore and toss a kiss
And side by side I'm in a race...
Who gets there first will buy that vase!!
Whoopee!!!  I spy a broken chair...well, I can glue it!
Just hope she doesn't beat me to it!
Another point about my purchase
Perhaps I can use it for another purpose

    Oh No!!...he's found old tool collections!!
    And points at them with great affection!!

The point I'm making is simply this
Another's person's trash or junk, may soon become your bliss!


Details | Rhyme | |

The Squabblesons

During their courting days into her limpid eyes he would gaze.
When in his arms his many charms set her very soul ablaze!
The sweet nothings once whispered when they would bill and coo,
Became table-thumping screaming matches once they said, "I Do!"

BEFORE:  My dearest one, you take my very breath away!
AFTER:  I feel like I am suffocating - now get out of my way!
BEFORE: You have a divine figure akin to that of a Grecian figurine!
AFTER:  You there, with the beer belly!  To call me obese is obscene!

BEFORE:  I can hardly believe we were lucky enough to find each other!
AFTER:  I can't believe I ended up with someone like you! Oh, brother!
BEFORE:  Honey, I don't have much money but I promise to get you some!
AFTER:  Take a look around this dump!  Go and find a job you no good bum!

BEFORE:  Tonight it's a show and then to the Ritz for oysters on the shell!
AFTER:  Fish sticks with beer and wrestling on TV again tonight! Oh, hell!
BEFORE:  Without you, my darling, it is as if time was standing still!
AFTER:  This relationship isn't going anywhere except straight downhill!

BEFORE:  Sweetheart, our marriage will always be one of equal partnership!
AFTER:  You are nothing but a controlling, egomaniac you big drip!
BEFORE:  On our fiftieth wedding anniversary you'll still be my bride!
AFTER:  Well, we finally made it to our fiftieth but it's been a rocky ride!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Couplet | |

Johnny Depp

My favorite actor I can easily say would have to be Johnny Depp,
When he has a new movie coming out, it puts a spring in my step;

My husband thinks that he’s insane, but that adds to his allure,
Has there ever been another actor that can play in rolls so obscure;

Take Edward Scissorhands for example, who else could pull that off,
There’s not another actor that could, but still my husband scoffs;

So versatile in playing roles from Cry-Baby to Sleepy Hollow,
And I’ll admit while watching scenes in Chocolat, I found it hard to swallow;

I have yet to see another actor who could match Depp in his whit,
Although Alice in Wonderland kind of freaked me out a bit;

The Pirates of the Caribbean movies all had me on my toes,
But Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was a little weird, I suppose;

That having been said, he’s brilliant, No other can compare,
And when I see his picture posted, I can’t help but stop and stare!

~For Amy Green's Choose One, Have Fun Contest~
-My Subject is Johnny Depp-


Details | Free verse | |

Like a Fart

I'm like a fart
Puff I'm here
There is no easy escape
Once I am here
No one gets away
Once I've gone 
It's only a matter of time
Before I return


For my husband on chili night... Love you!!


Details | Couplet | |

ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

I was talkin' with the Lord when He said to me
"Are you okay?  Need some company"?

I told Him that even with all His creatures
I couldn't find one that had my features.

"Well, no need to worry about it." He said
Then he gave me a nightcap, and put me to bed.

When I awoke I was awfully sore
Little did I know there was to be a lot more.

For He had taken a bit of my hair and a piece of bone
And whilst I slept, formed for me a unique companion.

I caller her "Eve" as it seemed to fit
As time went by we were a hit.

We would talk and eat and walk the garden nude
No neighbors as yet,  we needn't be prude.

Then one day she said to me,
"Hey Adam, here, try some fruit from this tree."

Not knowing the difference between evil and good
I took a big bite, as together we stood.

Then in a flash everything turned black
I knew we were in for some serious flak.

"What have you done?"  I asked aloud
"Was this from the tree, which was not allowed?"

"Well", she said, "The snake gave me the word
That if we ate it, we would be like the Lord."

We realized we were naked and ran off for some leaves
When the Lord started calling, we were hiding in the trees.

"What's going on?"  He said to me
"Have you eaten of the forbidden tree?"

Like all blame shifting men not skipping a beat
"Yes, Lord", I said, "Eve gave me some to eat.

"You foolish creatures . . . it would have been wise
You could have spent eternity in this Paradise."

"I'm sorry Lord, I can't say it enough."
"You're right, you can't, so I'm making this rough!

Because now, you will have to scratch out a life
For yourself, your children, and especially your wife.

If you think this is bad, you're in for a trick
Wait until some banker dreams up plastic.

She'll be shopping and buying and going all around
It'll be enough, to put you in the ground.

As for her, she'll suffer as much and more too
After all, now she'll have to put up with you!"

So an angel took us to the gate in the garden wall
Saying only, "Be careful, now it will hurt if you fall."

So there we were, On the Outside Looking In
At that manicured garden, where we committed our sin.

I wouldn't mind if so much weren't at stake
Now all she says is, "I have a headache."

I've tried to forgive her and a gentleman be
But I still can't let her control the remote for the TV.

So here I am thinking, "I've been such a dupe,
For posterity . . . I'll put this on Poetry Soup!"


Details | Light Poetry | |

' Boot-Legged Mama '

Mama and Daddy was always Love-Dovey
She is His Sweetheart – He is Her Honey
First Love… Real Love  -  Forever True
Pa… I Pray to find A Man Like You…

Daddy Laughed and Put His Arm Round My Shoulder
And Said, “I’ll Tell You Somethin’, Now You’re Older
It’s got to do with Your Mother’s Fame
And Why I gave Her, The Nickname…

               … Boot-Legged Mama

                  Boot-Legged Mama
Blue-jean Shorts and Vintage Tony Lama
Walked thru the Door… of A Liquor Store
… Packaged so Pretty… Pa Just had to Pour

               … Boot-Legged Mama

Ma… Was there, to get 6-packs for A Party…
Pa… Was there, ‘cause of a Taste for Bacardi
He took One Look and Knew He Couldn’t Waste Her
Pa… Gave-up ‘Drank’… Just so He Could Chase her !

Dad, Said, ‘He’d Drowned in Dark-Eyes and Sweet-Aroma
Fine-Wine, Crystal… But Tuff’ Nuff’ to Down-Drama
Pa Claims, Mama’s Labeled by the F.D.A.
And Listed on Her Driver’s License is,  A.K.A.  …

               … Boot-Legged Mama

                  Boot-Legged Mama
 Genuine Woman, Who Made Him Wanna’
Take Her to be His Lawful Moonshine
… Married at Midnight – ‘cross The County-Line

               … Boot-Legged Mama

Alcohol’s in Trauma;  and Prohibition Told Her:
"Boot-Legged Mama… Done Drove Pa Sober !"
Now, Homemade-Hooch… is His Acquired Taste
180 Proof… Kicked All Over His Case !

Right Then, Mama Flowed into The Room
Pa, Teased and Said, “Still Full-Bodied and Perfumed !
Ma Hugged Us, then Handed Me – Old Boots and A Dress…
    (and good advice)… “Go Git’ My Elliot Ness…

               … and be a Boot-Legged Mama!

( Hey !... Did I Hear Somebody, In A Country Drawl ….
          Order Up A Bottle of Kicking Alcohol !
         Well, Here She Is… Y'all ! ...
                  Boot-Legged Mama ….

Well John (Moses) Freeman... You Said You Needed
Somethin' :)  to Read tonight, before kicking up your
heels...  Well, Here It Is (Have Fun - Son)

MoonBee 

 (Thank You For All Your Wonderful Comments
Now, I Can't Get Thru The Door for My Ego.. (Smile)


Details | Light Poetry | |

So What, A Couple's Quarrel.

"Where did you put it?,"I don't know,it must be over there"
"It isn't I just told you!,"Well I don't really care!"
"You said you put it up somewhere,now where the hell is it?"
"Ive looked,and searched every bloody where,and i still cannot find it".
"So what,what else is new,you always say the same",
"As if ,that on this planet earth,there is no-one else to blame".
"Well I really need it,you know I do,I'd appreciate the help".
"Now,that's better,talk to me nice,and watch out for your bloody self".
"Here it is,I told you it was,why don't you listen to me?"...
"Sometimes,you really amaze me,it's as if you could'nt see".
"Well I'm sorry,I really am,but I'm kind of in a rush";
"Shh,don't say anything,please don't speak,I wish you would just hush."
"Well,Im off then,I'll see you later,I'll be home in time for tea".
"So what",I say,whatever you reckon,Thank God,now there's only just me.


Details | Rhyme | |

Match made in Heaven

I stand naked by the mirror
Looking at myself
I look like ummm
Something off a dusty shelf

My ribs stick out
You could play them like a harp
And my eyes bulge out my head
Like a half squeezed Chihuahua pup

My legs they call them lucky
They like two fighting swords
I have the knack of amusing people
With them I even won awards

Now my wife is a total contrast
She’s short, fat and round
It takes me three hours to spread the fake tan
But she still comes out unevenly browned

Just the other day I thought 
She threw the duvet over me
But when I opened one eye
I saw it was a crusty bikini

I love to watch her dressing
It makes me shake at the knees
I feel like grabbing a handful of ripples
And give them a gentle squeeze 

Driving the car is a challenge 
Her ripples stop me changing the gear
And when we walk down the street
We look like a shield with a skinny spear

But to her I’m her half finished pepperoni
To me she’s my fluffy bread bun
We always do things together
I’m telling you, we have so much fun

And now I would like to announce
The arrival of baby number seven
We may seem like the oddest couple
But it’s a match made in heaven.


Details | I do not know? | |

Your Mistake

'Love is patient'
'Love is kind'
The thought of love
Can turn you blind.

But... Now we must
Take some steps
To verify those
Deep regrets.

The first problem you see
Was that. . .
He lied about
You being fat

That in turn 
Led ya to
Beleiving that
He 'accepted' you.

Mirrors were made
For a darn good reason
And thinking you are nothing special
Is high, high treason...

But no!
He's perfect
And no! He's kind
Seriouslly sister
You've lost your mind.

The recipe to love Is that
You have to love your self.
It's not about your facial features
Or the size of ya belt.

The man should be a rock to lean on
And not! A heartless swine.
So please next time. Do pick him wisely
Make sure he has a spine!


Details | Couplet | |

DIVORCE

STILL  NOT  DEAD     ( no kids allowed 2 read)

This morning I took my med.
taking more than my dose.

I am still here thrown in bed,
Lifeless and nobody knows.

I am still alive I am still not dead
I don't think I succeeded my overdose.

Should have cut my vain instead,
or stuck a whole ounce my nose.

To scared to put a gun to my head,
that would have been very gross.

Couldn't even stand it if I bled,
Stupid, me now I find a hose down my nose.

Still not dead,
Regret  the day you propose.

The day I said "I DO" I dread
The feelings that came, I let nobody know.

Thinking of ways of dying instead,
holding my breath is all I show.

All this started on the day of our  wed,
imagination took over making my  mind blow.

Finding my self here  still not dead,
Who said suicide  is easier than a DIVORCE !!

    i.t.
S.K.A.T. POETRY

=( Not a fact, just humor over my marriage! )=








Details | Burlesque | |

Redneck FATHER'S DAY------

***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***



"Storm over yet...?"

"Well hay'ell ye'ah! 
 woo-hoo!
 sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
 whadda'bou  that boy th'er?
 sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"

"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"

"Wha'choo sayin? 
 wha'th'a?
 na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
 shoot! 
 'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm! 
 torna'durr warnin' too!
 he gonna have him'a cole burr;  
 on me!"
 my treat!
 mama, git him'a cole burr! 
 ro'tt now; 
 ya'here?
 besides...
 ta'days father's day!" 



© 2011  ~JSLambert Esquire

   










Details | Clerihew | |

Heaven

His lovely wife is named Heaven
She scolds him seventy times seven
Yet, Big Joe just never really cared
In Heaven he lives happily, hearing impaired!


Stacey Brown 2-6-14
Dr. Ram Mehta contest
Husbands are in heaven
whose wives scold not


Details | Couplet | |

Sweet Carmel

The taste of homemade Carmel so sweet/ everyone I know desires the treat.

After one night in the kitchen covered/ half the pan gone, next morning discovered. 

 Is it my beagle Lily whom loves any food? / she seems in a hyper beagle mood.

 I know I heard a squeak in the night / a dream ? No, for low was the kitchen light.
           
 T'was my husband, for he can't resist/ soft , buttered brown sugar , a Vanilla twist.
           


Details | Rhyme | |

The Happy Dress

It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative 
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.

So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened.  “Ta Da!  Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked?  Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.

You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.

It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”

“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.

So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.

She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open.  “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”

ALTERNATE LAST VERSE

“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.


Details | Rhyme | |

Empty Nest Syndrome

I reckon the empty nest syndrome hits all at one time or another,
When youngsters flee the nest leaving dear old Dad and Mother!
This morning on the patio I witnessed this situation at its best,
When two baby wrens took flight and left their parent's cozy nest!

Mr. and Mrs. Wren set up housekeeping in a birdhouse I had made.
They soon became the proud parents of a couple of eggs she laid!
I watched them flit to and fro as they filled the ever-empty maws,
Of their little darlings from grub carried in their over-flowing craws!

Once the kids had spread their wings to experience the thrill of flight,
Mother Wren would sit on the birdhouse porch to contemplate her plight!
She'd plaintively chirp as if to say, "You ingrates left sans saying goodbye!
You've left me and your Pa in this lonely nest to mope about and cry!"

It wasn't long until Mr. Wren was in a romantic mood with his spouse.
When he tried to nuzzle up to Mrs. Wren, she'd scurry inside the house,
As if to say, "No way, buster!  I've had it!  Cool it until next spring!
Perhaps when the cherry blossoms bloom again we'll have another fling!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Quintain (English) | |

Men Don't Gain Weight

A handsome man tall, slim and about 225 pounds, Asked me out for a seafood dinner on our first date, Still eats everything fattening, I know how that sounds, Some twenty-eight years later, I still have a 225 pound mate, That sucks, I’m not fat ~ just really, really short for my weight. October 8, 2011 For Nancy Jone’s Contest “Things That Suck”


Details | Limerick | |

Woman-Owned Business Maker

Self-employed and partner in life
He "hired" some other guy's wife
Making golfing balls
Now he has two holes
My new business ?...Surgical Knives...

for Carolyn Devonshire's "Horrible Bosses"


Details | Rhyme | |

Her Sense of Humor

A slight hint of consternation was in her voice,
“Why did you tell those people I’m deaf and dumb?”
“I never said you were deaf, my Dear.”
She laughed, but I kinda felt like a bum.

Hell.  It was just a joke.

One evening, she asked, “Will you love me if I get chubby?”
I responded, “Of course I still love you.
It would take much more than pounds and cellulite
To make me fall out of love…it’s true.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

“Would you remarry if I die before you?” she asked.
I said, “No…probably not…I’ve been spoiled by you.”
“But you’ve been a great husband. I think you should.”
“Whatever happens, happens is the best I can do.”

“If you remarried, would you play golf with your new wife?
And would you let her use my clubs?” she demanded.  
I calmly smiled and said, “Your clubs are safe.
You see, my Dear…she’s left handed.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

Then, she whined and whined about her butt.
I responded, “Want to knock some inches off that ass?
It may sound strange, but I heard it works….
Rinse all your panties in Slim Fast.”

Hell. It was just a joke.


The next day, I readied for work, took ‘undies’ from my drawer.
They were engulfed in a fog of white, why I didn’t know.
So, I asked, “Honey! Why did you put talcum powder on my shorts?”
She slyly smiled, “That’s not talcum powder.  That’s Miracle Gro.”

Hell.  It was just a joke....I guess.

So, what is my wife’s most endearing feature?
Her sense of humor.... there’s no doubt.
Always a smile where angst or anger might have been,
A smile I never want to be without.



Details | Light Poetry | |

Programmers Paradise

Hubby was talking about the job he was at: when he suddenly…
Got into the ‘Computer Programmers Mode’. Where absolutely…
Everything became ‘DITS & DOTS, and DARS & FARS’…
No more caffeine for Hubby any time this week, at home!

This lingo of his, only belongs at work, where he IS an Uber Geek.
But here at home… you gotta know… he’s only talking to me!
It must be like the dreams he has, with reams and reams of code.
And tables of papers are stacked to the ceiling, or maybe to his nose.

It’s an APP-APP here, and an APP-APP there, to tie the Data to his code.
Make it go faster! Make it go smarter! In his own little world, you know.
His eyes have glazed, as his fingers flash over his fancy keyboard at home.
If only me, his little old wifey- poo, could get such attention as this, to know.

At least, he keeps my computers running, like crazy, and way up to snuff!
Now if only he’d give me the time of day… to get my own work done.
With a type-type here, and a type-type there: I definitely blow his mind.
He’d fix my typing, if only he could, with a new app, well designed.

The ‘Trouble with Tribbles’ is nothing, as when confronting an Uber Geek.
Microsoft falls into a hush, as they whisper out his name and fame complete.
For Halloween, he hooks up electronics, with apps to animated programming…
Never Fear! Hubby’s here! Next, the Turkey will be clucking binary coding.

He made Santa a GPS, which goes to mars and beyond: It’s simply otherworldly.
But now he’s talking in binary code… I hope Hubby’ll land home, soon, surely.
For with DITs & DOTS, and DARS & FARS it’s getting way past midnight.
I know he’ll be back to earth soon, tho, for it’s time to say goodnight!
 


Details | Limerick | |

She really did get this call

I wish I could be a fly on the wall,
  
When my poor old mother gets the phone call,

        “He’s here at the bar
  
        Quick bring us your car,

Your husband just got in a brawl”


Details | Narrative | |

The little pen that tried to get drunk

That goofball husband of hers brought her to this joint to see her get drunk for the very first time. She actually plugged her nose trying to sip her first glass of beer. Good grief. 20 minutes and she barely finished it. She walked to the restroom and I felt her teetering just a little bit. She likes the feeling though, I can tell! I sure liked it when she started boogying to the beat of the band on her way back to the table. Too bad Mr. dingbat won’t ever dance with her. She keeps tapping her hands on the table to the rhythm of the music. That’s why I have to write so slow. . . . 
      Now  she’s   tryin ta   drink  another   beer  but   she   can   hardly stand it  an  her husband  sez come on don’t ya wanna know  how   it   fills   ta be drunk? She says   well at list I fill buzzd now. . . 

The nice buzz wore off. It’s at least an hour later. She and hubbie got this idea to go to the liquor store. First time she ever went to one. She thought maybe brandy would taste better so then she could drink something stronger and know how it felt to be drunk. Brandy sounded sweet and fruity to her. Boy was she wrong. She took a little taste and it burned going down. That stuff sucks just like the beer. . . . 

Wow she jus finisht tha hole boddle rily fast lik mebbie ten minuts ago so she kud fil drunk an she put me down ta finnish tha boddle in one shot    now she kant evin    kip her   eyez    opun    UH  ohhhhhhh

Epilogue:  The preceding narration was based on actual fact. Upon consuming an entire bottle of brandy in less than ten minutes, "she" immediately passed out, and I recall she awoke in the morning having forgotten everything that transpired once she fell asleep. Furthermore, when she went into the bathroom the next morning and saw some flecks of vomit on the walls, she was quite amazed. Why? Because she had no recollection of throwing up, and she realized her goofball husband had actually attempted to clean up a mess in their house for the first time in their young married life!!! 

By the way, Jenny, if you happen to be reading this, Shhhh. Please do not tell her other sisters. It would surely get back to you guys’ mother, and your poor upstanding church-loving mom might have a heart attack to hear of her daughter’s one transgression with the devil’s brew! Sincerely, Her Sober (albeit sometimes fanciful) Pen


Details | Lyric | |

Viagra and Beer

Too much Viagra and beer.
Too much Viagra and beer.
My wife was out of town,
I hit every club around.
Each time I'd hope to find
A horny woman here.

Country Bob's was the last club that was open.
Near blind drunk and horny, but I was still hopin'.
A pretty woman gave me a glance,
Smiled and said, "Nice pants.
Honey, I'm ridin' if you're ropin'."

A few hours later, I was in a Helluva mess
She's still ridin' hard and screamin', "God, this is the best!"
I was dizzy and light-headed. I had pains in my chest,
But she wouldn't stop long enough to call EMS.

When I came to, I was home in my own bed,
Next to my lovely wife; and this is what she said:
"I picked you up at Country Bob's, my dear;
And there's gonna be some changes around here.

You were fantastic last night;
So, I only think its right
If I supplement your diet 
With Viagra and beer."

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
She treats me like a king,
Says I make her body sing;
So, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.

Yes, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.


Submitted by: Buzz O'Words
Written: 3/3/14


Details | I do not know? | |

The remote

(This is a fictional poem)

I wanted to watch the king of Queens but I'm watching golf instead.
I'm too lazy to walk over to the set now that the batteries in the remote are dead.
I'm so bored as I watch these damn golfers putt.
I ordered my wife to change the channel and she kicked me in the nuts.
I can't stand this boredom, I want to be put out of my misery.
I'll be watching a lot of golf because I'm too cheap to buy new batteries.


Details | Limerick | |

Double Disappointment

I woke up in rapture, when she started to sing.
Naughty whispers in my ears, “Someone’s coming”
My ecstatic view;
A child is due!
Then she continues, “My mother’s visiting”


Details | Rondeau Redouble | |

Goodbye Johnny Walker

Goodbye Johnny Walker
Joanna Davis


I swear I’m in a nightmare
I know it’s some bad dream
this craving for the deadly juice
is nothing new it seems
Our life is one long quarrel, 
a battle no one can win
Am I paying a kind of penance,
for some past life of sin?
I won’t put up with this forever
the smell or wavering gait,
If I stay with you much longer,
I’ll surely be tempting my fate
A soul that’s soaked with liquor,
with breath to ignite a match
But your handsome looks so deceiving
I naively believed you a catch!
You’ll promise it’s the last time,
say you’re done… that it’s the end!
But in me you see a nagging wife,
while in the bottle - a comforting friend
Tell me exactly how, I can win,
or compete with something so pure?
What kind of psychological jargon,
would even up the score?
This demon is so elusive,
someone, somewhere, please advise me
What spirits will finally convince you
to seek your desired sobriety!



Details | Haiku | |

Canadian Geese

.

                                        Canadian Geese
                                        Delightful sound
                          Husband's glasses squeeze nose


Details | Rhyme | |

Seemed Like A Routine Day

Being a nurse I had a good understanding of medications for pain, Explained to my Obstetrician I wanted everything, I was not insane, This was my first baby and being in healthcare had very few perks, I’d be given an epidural when the time came, but not by any jerks. Worked full-time then started maternity leave 2 weeks before my due date, Of course I sat at home for another 5 weeks, oh my first baby was really late. I read every book in the library and cleaned my house more than one time, Everyday the neighbours would drop by, I was tired of the door bell chime. Walked into the hospital to have a non-stress test, done every other day, My doctor laid his hand on me and asked “how long have you been this way” I replied “ for about 11 months, you should know you’ve seen me every week” He firmly instructed the nurse to call my home, for my husband they must seek. My husband knowing my test was routine, had driven to town to go to the Gym, What is that you say dear doctor, “I’m fully dilated, I’m soon going to be slim” Well first I’ll I just zip home to grab my luggage and I promise I just zoooom, What’s that- “I’m bypassing the labour and going straight to the delivery room” So I hopped onto the table, took deep breaths and put my feet in the snare When finally my dear husband arrived ~ with more than five minutes to spare “It’s a beautiful girl with dark hair, 8 lbs 7 oz ” I heard the delivery room nurse say, My love has never been stronger, my greatest moment, our most memorable day. Written by Lee Ramage October 6, 2011 For Frank Herrera’s contest “One Stand Out Day” Won 4th place


Details | Free verse | |

He thinks my tractor's sexy

He thinks my tractor's sexy
I wear gold hoops and pink clogs
My hat's quite floppy
My furrow set to sow
He thinks my tractor's sexy
and I bounce around for him.


Details | Rhyme | |

A Can of Peaches

She was a kleptomaniac,
His wife of thirty years.
The risks she took for stuff of little value
Had all but driven him to tears.

She had such low regard for the risk;
Always said, “If I’m caught, I’ll pay.”
“But what if they’re not satisfied?” he’d ask.
She just smiled and said, “That’ll be the day.”

When first they met, he thought her just young and wild;
And, after all, it really did no one any harm.
It was fun to watch her be so sneaky,
Kind of a sexy part of her appealing charm.

The stuff she stole was so petty,
But she seemed to have such fun.
After all, it wasn’t for the stuff she stole,
But for the thrill of what she’d done.

As time had passed, he had finally realized
It was a sickness, not just a game to play.
She’d steal something almost everywhere she went,
And she went somewhere almost every day.

So, it had gotten old and tiresome, completely out of hand.
His pleas of “Get some help.” she would ignore;
Tho’ she might have thought better of it
If she had known what was in store.

While grocery shopping, she tried to steal a can of peaches.
They caught her, called the cops, sent her off to jail.
She called her embarrassed and disgusted husband, 
Who resentfully made arrangements for her bail.

When her court date came, he went along;
And when her case came up, he was by her side.
As the judge reviewed her charges, it seemed to him
That the judge’s patience was being sorely tried.

“Madam" the judge said angrily, "…a single can of peaches?
It’s obvious you have no desperate financial need.
You are wasting my court’s time with such farce.
So, Madam...how do you plead?"

She feigned regret. She bowed her head.
Surely such a ploy might change his attitude.
“Guilty, your Honor.  I am so sorry.”
He growled, “Save your platitudes.”

Then he asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”
“Your Honor, I believe that there were ten."
“Madam, I intend to teach you a lesson this day.
You’ll think twice before you steal again.

You’ll serve three days in county jail for each peach in that can.”
Her husband saw his chance.  He said, “Your Honor, if you please,
Before you pass her final sentence, you should know….
She also stole a can of peas!"


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Hen-pecked Husband

"The Hen-pecked Husband" By M. Taha Effendi (Light Poetry) The door bell rang yet again, and yonder heard the distinct voice, of my dear old wife, full of pain, drowned all my dreams of rejoice. then came the thundering slap, that landed on my cheek now red, and as I panicked out of my nap, I realized I had wet my bed.


Details | Sonnet | |

The Bride

On the wedding
The Bishop co-ordinating
Called in the groom
Only awaiting the bride
Hymns going up in the air
Half hour passed
And yet she is unarrived
"What is delaying you?"
The groom yelled at the Bishop
"Your bride isn't here"
With a dimple from the groom's cheek
Loke side way at his bride
"He has long arrived
I am gay"


Details | Limerick | |

Some Limericks...

She’s out there chasing a cricket

Through bush, through shrub & through thicket

Together they hop

Fugitive, cop

But when she gets it, she just wants to lick it!
 

A cat whose vet took his eye

Just cannot quite understand why

His eye’s been enucleated,

3-D vision reduciated,

So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye

 
Ya gotta keep limericks loose

Think green eggs, or perhaps Dr. Seuss

They’re structured, it’s true,

But they’re also a zoo

Whose tenants are all on the loose!


I frolic in fountains of words

Overflowing with serious absurds

Each poem I write

Wakes up and takes flight

Joining angels and faeries and birds

 
You ask that we write a good limerick

How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick

So I struggle and frown

Teaching  poems to clown

So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick

 
A cat with a mouth full of mouse

Brought her feast right into my house

She played with her food

Who was not in the mood

To be a banquet of mouse in the house

 
The nightmares that shadow my sleep

Stampede the proverbial sheep

Right out of my mind

When I try to unwind

I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep

 
In her search for original truth

She met people unsavory and couth

She knitted and purled

But only unfurled

Yarns told by new age and old youth

 
Cat, suddenly pink,

Drinks her water from out of the sink

She looks so absurd

Since she’s been de-furred

I really don’t know what to think!

 
If one and one is two and two is four,

And there’s only two ways to go through  a door,

Then, is earth up or down?

And, where is down town?

These are questions we need to explore!

 
A was that is an is

Tried to mind my biz

But I sent it packing,

Its presence was lacking

And I don’t have time for such shiz!


A couple who lived in Los Lunas

Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness

They’d stare at the air,

Over here, over there

And rejoice at the feeling of newness

 
A cat with a very fat gut

Found it easier to walk on his butt

He’d drag it around

Across carpet and ground

And use it to slam the doors shut

 
Said the Missus to her dear Mr. Otter,

“There’s something I think that you oughta

Do before we get old

To protect us from cold –

You oughta make the hot water hotter!”

 
The ghosts who live up in my attic

Make noises that sound much like static

I’ve tried to send them away,

But they’re here to stay,

Those staticky ghosts in my attic


Details | Quatrain | |

HONEYMOON CAPERS

~Honeymoon Capers~ The big day arrived and we couldn’t wait We were old fashioned and there was no horse after the gate The wedding went off with nary a hitch A few gate crashers but we didn’t b i t c h . * The honeymoon night, boy what a thrill The emotions it caused are with us both still While showering in a hotel bathroom suite My new husband dare ask if he could now peek. Into the shower he joined me all of a quiver The sparks were shooting hither and thither I was covered in shampoo from washing my hair I tried to squeeze past him the water to share. No thought was there yet of making love in the shower We were getting to know more of each other hour by hour My new husband’s passion was obviously aroused As I stuck me head under the shower to be doused. It was then that I did slip and fall backwards with a yell Taking the shower the curtains and my husbands passion as well All I remember as my head hit the loo Was an agonised yell from my husband brand new. As my legs lifted high not for love it would seem But I kicked him in the place where he kept his lovers dreams. I woke up on the floor my head splitting in two My husband at the side of me groaning by the loo Water was pouring from the shower wall Neither could move nor dare make a call He said he knew that in marriage there could be some hard knocks But it was taking the cake to get kicked in the rocks. The toilet was cracked just like my head The bathroom was flooded we had to stay in bed Our honeymoon night our first night together Is one we will remember for ever and ever.
* Censor won't let me use it so I split it ©~GG~ 30/08/2012


Details | Rhyme | |

Food Lion, Fayetteville, North Carolina

Her list includes croutons and jelly and jam,
as I read down, I see knockwurst and ham.
Bananas and tuna, pick up Borax and Bold,
if there's no Zest, then get Palmolive Gold.
Orange juice and lemons, Pepsi and Sprite,
ice cream and cookies for our guests tonight.
I arrive on line nine with it all and croutons.
It rings up, I reach in..I forgot the coupons.


Details | Acrostic | |

New Open Door

R  recline on the sofa, relax in recliner
E  entertain romantic thoughts; life couldn't be kinder
C  cuddle up late in bed, snuggle on couch
Y  you are my love, molded to you; stubble ouch
C  comfy now late in life, free from responsibility
L  love is deep; committment strong_capability
E  enjoying life_the fruit of early struggles
D  determined to fulfill our life together_not burst bubble

T  true to you; constant thoughts
E  envelope you with what love has wrought
E  easy is life sleep late_stay up late
N  now there is a new open door my mate


Details | Couplet | |

Sexy Kiss

We share a look from across the room and I saunter into your arms,
No matter how hard I try to defy, I can never resist your charms;

You slip a hand behind my head and drag me into your kiss,
You tantalize my senses as I lose myself to bliss;

Desire takes over my body as you take my breath away,
We stand in utter silence, we’ve nothing left to say;

There is an overpowering smell of whiskey and cheap perfume,
But locked in a passionate kiss, we’re alone in the crowded room;

Your kisses taste so potent, I savor the exotic flavor of you,
Your intoxicating to my senses, like the sweetest morning dew;

Wrapped in a fervent embrace, our bodies meld to form one;
I lose myself to you and it’s only just begun...


Details | Rhyme | |

Boredom Waiting In Doctor's Office

My husband gets very impatient waiting so I told him to write a poem:

On a farm there was a donkey
Who's feet had a scent that was funky
Because he had stepped in something chunky
                        By: The Reverend T.

This is my response:

Out of boredom he wrote a verse
In frustration it was very terse
Of course, he did not want to curse
So he used words that were worse

Now he's pacing the floor
Standing right in front of the door  (Not true, just needed to be busy)
Nurse tries to enter in a rush
Open door sets him on his tursh


Details | Limerick | |

Full Circle

Just out of college, we would yearn for a touch
Sleeping together cuddled on the couch
Those were the days!
Of pre-wedding bouquets
Now I am told to go sleep alone on the couch


Details | Limerick | |

Sons Of An Zeus Man

<                           once came along pair gemini twins
                             castro and pollux from third sign in
                             well sons of an zeus man
                             all from mercury clan
                             sharing wealth of intelligence sin

                            with ever compatible libra scales
                            along with aquarius that wales
                            fire signs given few
                            pisces they known too
                            beneath sun and moon's with semi's tale








Written By Katherine Stella  6/26/11


Entry For Nette Onclaud's
Zodiac Zones Contest
G.L. All


Details | Rhyme | |

SOUP Spoonin'

Online tonite
looks like 
a whole lotta' spoonin'
goin' on in the "Soup"

nosin' around the comment coral
I see love 
amongst the group

yessir'...
hot Soup!
stirred 
not shaken
marriage scent in the air
no fakin'

where it leads...
we shall see
I know some 
are dippin' crackers in the "Soup"
but Lawd' knows 
IT AIN'T ME!~


Details | Rhyme | |

Mrs Hemorrhoid

You messed around 
and married a real 
"pain-in-the butt" man 

known throughout the land 
for ripping
burning 
completely deserting 
then leaving 
women hurting

his only claim to fame 
is over reacting 
and lacking class
a self-proclaimed pain in the ass
a crook with line 
and hook to cast 

things will never be the same
trade away your maiden name 
to Mrs. Hemorrhoid 
and wear his name with class.


Details | Sonnet | |

The Bride

On the wedding
The Bishop co-ordinating
Called in the groom
Only awaiting the bride
Hymns going up in the air
Half hour passed
And yet she is unarrived
"What is delaying you?"
The groom yelled at the Bishop
"Your bride isn't here"
With a dimple from the groom's cheek
Loke side way at his bride
"He has long arrived
I am gay"

dated May


Details | Lyric | |

The Unhappy Moth

She chose a red scarf. The most red 
of them all.
Of a dark red, a sweet and thick red color,
just as wine.

She carved from the red scarf
from the middle
to the size of a Martini glass.

Then she carved one more glass,
and she kept carving 
till she fell asleep.

Yesterday
she saw her Beloved Moth 
flirting with a Younger Moth, 
carving together from a sweater
while she was getting busy,
carving in the shelves.

The Unhappy Moth drank lots of wine
woolen wine, 
last night.
She drank lots, too much
for a Moth.
The Unhappy Moth got drunk
and fell asleep
on the red scarf,
unhidden
with a heart filled with peace.

She was not afraid no more. 
Now she could be seen easily,
laying on the scarf
and easily crushed.

The Unhappy Moth was not 
afraid of death no more,
at least, now she knew 
how wonderful the red scarfs are
and that they taste
like red wine.


Details | Haiku | |

Sunday afternoon

fried chicken is good
with rice and beans and butter
ice cold glass of tea
and some football action for me


Details | Personification | |

Black Widow

She's got a plan
just moved to Florida
one week in the hole
a forced proposal...

"yeah...
uh...
maybe if I get a job with insurance;
we'll get married...
then you'll have insurance too!"

a bribe
the spider web is officially constructed
"Charlotte's web"
no...we'll name it
the Black Widow!


Details | Limerick | |

The Lady Wonders

The bridegroom was over the hill
At ninety he held his own still
His bride a young eighty
Was too much a lady
To ask if he had a blue pill






**for "Slapstick Limerick Contest"
sponsored by John Freeman




Details | Limerick | |

Eine kleine Nachtmusic or a little serenade

Is this Mozart's musical score
Or sonata of sounds I abhor?
I have a good ear
But I'd rather not hear
The loud notes composed when you snore


Details | Couplet | |

Valentine Romance

Valentines day is always something special to me, I explained. 
So I planned a romantic evening and got ready for my campaign.
The children were at a sleepover with their favorite friends they adore.
So I met my hubby as he came in, accidentally tripping and making him hit the door.
Thank God his head is hard as he hit that, the nearby TV, but very little more.
I made Cherries Jubilee as a snack while he sat there with an ice pack to his head. 
But before I knew it, I’d knocked it over and almost burned down the house instead.
When he finally put the fire extinguisher away…
I got up and got some of the kids’ apple tarts I had made. 
He bit in deep and burned his mouth, declaring he wasn’t hungry and the pain would fade.
Next he decided to go upstairs, but I had put rose petals down everywhere in spades.
And yes you probably guessed it… he slipped and ended up needing a little aide.
At this he decided to take an aspirin and lay down upon the couch. OH  HHWell…
But I knew the rest needed to happen above, to totally create this romantic spell…
I had to get him to the candles and bubble bath, where my romantic dreams still dwelled. 
So I got out some scarves and danced toward him, tying up his hands before he fell.
He never knew what hit him as he was lassoed and gently bounced up the stairs.
I guess I wouldn’t have had to tie his feet… a few words would have done as well.
But you know me when I get going, my mind tends to lose a few brain cells…
He was flustered, exhausted and bruised when he got there, but he’s made of the right stuff.
Though as I took off the scarves, he flopped on the bed pulling the covers over his head kind of rough.
He said he loved me, but living with me could be kind of tough.
He said it was better to leave it to him, for the romantic endeavors and such.
He said he had reservations and play tickets in his shirt pocket for later on that night.
But what he needed now was some aspirin and a few moments of quiet respite. 
So with a sigh he started snoring, and my romantic dreams were momentarily crushed.
I dearly love the man you know. But, do you think maybe I tried too much?


Details | Free verse | |

marking time....to my friends on poetry soup.- the Lord helped me fight death and won.

i don't want to be just marking

time.  i died on november 20,

2008, during surgery.  i was

on a vent when i awakened 

december 2, 2008....my sisters'

birthday. what made me llive

i'll never know.  i know there

are things to do on this side

of death.



i have no time for marking time.

i have a stupid bag hanging from

my side now.  i am supposed to

"get comfortable with it".  well

that was a laugh.

that was a laugh until i thought

of the people that had these

things with no hope of ever

getting away from them.



i am so lucky.  14 days i laid

on a vent, then 22 more.

i came home 3 days, 



then 


i had
great pain in my chest...
.
well this is great i said,

a pulmonary emboli, 15 more

days, three days home.



then back to e.r. blood pressure

too high.  this bought me 

4 more days in e.r.



i am home now and finally 

have spent 19 days home.

i feel every pain and i feel

every time that i feel good



yes, i am never marking

time again.....there is

something about fighting

for your life and your sanity

that straightens things out.



i don't recommend it but

i wish i could let your hearts

know what i know.

janetta


Details | Limerick | |

Terminator IV--The Wrath of Shriver

A husband's mistake in the sack
His marriage might seem to attack
Maria got hurt
By one little squirt
And Arnold can't say "I'll be back"


Details | Limerick | |

Girl in my Class

There once was a girl in my class.
One day I tried to make a pass.
My cheek still sting,
My ears still ring,
Yet married to me; Alas!


Details | Rhyme | |

Marriage in a nut shell

I said I do, 
But believe me I don’t
What I meant is I do
But she says hell you won’t
When I said I do 
I didn’t know it meant her way
So I should have said I don’t 
On that so called special day
But if I said I don’t
She would have convinced me I do
I should have ran off that day 
But me legs won’t go my way
Me tongue betrayed me
When it said I do
Just to find out later 
That if I do or won’t or don’t 
"I’m dammed if I do" 
"And I’m dammed I don’t"  


Details | Rhyme | |

Passionate Phrases

“Ooh, don’t stop”, she says to me when massaging her feet at night;
“Ooh, don’t stop”, she whines when flipping channels and a game comes into sight;
“Ooh, don’t stop”, she orders when pushing the grocery cart past the cold beer aisle;
“Ooh, don’t stop”, she barks when I take a dishwashing break for awhile.

“Give me more, baby”, she says when pouring her a glass of wine;
“Give me more, baby”, she demands when I get out of the ATM line;
“Give me more, baby”, she pleads when putting her gifts under the Christmas tree;
“Give me more, baby”, she requests when editing my last will and testimony.

“You’re the best”, she says to the girl who dresses her hair;
“You’re the best”, she announces to the teachers who provide day care;
“You’re the best”, she moans to her favorite flavor of ice cream;
“You’re the best”, she states to the tailor who lets out her seams.

But what do I hear in bed at night when amorous I get?
These phrases she so commonly uses, she seems to then forget.
In twenty years of trying to please, I haven’t heard one yet;
The truth of the matter, the fact of it is, I hear the opposite.


Details | Couplet | |

Soul of a "Jewel" vs...Life as a "Mule"

He always says..."She has the "soul of a jewel"!!"
I always say...."She rides like a stubborn old mule"!!!
So...he wants me to ride in his old pick up truck..???
Well, I'm glad to tell you....he has run out of luck!!
I'll tell you why....
Would I lie???

It was once painted blue...but now the color is rust
But you can't be too sure...'cause it's covered in dust!
The engine has to idle...'bout half an hour is good..
You can feel the vibration, around the whole freakin' neighborhood!
If I open the door,...it makes a loud squeak
I must hold my breath....Eewwwww!!  What are those odors?? It reeks!!

My life is in jeopardy if I go for a ride!
The windshield is dirty, we can't see from inside
It makes a weird noise...and rides bumpy and rough
The dashboard is peeling, and covered with "stuff"
The seat  cushion's torn, it pokes at my rear
His dog sits beside us, and licks at my ear
There's no place below, to rest my feet
There's a hole in the floor....you can see the street!!!!

The windows don't close, so there's always a breeze
With old Kleenex flying...those were tossed when he sneezed...
Wrappers from Twinkies, a Burger King box...
One lonely old sneaker...and dirty old socks
If I had me some coffee...I'd really be set
'Cause those are dirty Styrofoam cups....and even more than that!
Half a stale donut is squished on the floor
Darn!! The dog beat me to it...and is looking for more!

The muffler is loose, you can see the sparks fly
Dirty looks from the folks, who get smoke in their eyes
When we drive by the neighbors, I duck my head and I hide
I'm no Prima Donna....but I've still got some pride!!
He loves that old truck....he calls her a gem!
If he had to choose between us.......I could be out on a limb!!!


______________________________________________________________________
For Paula's contest "Soul of a ........ & Life of a ........."


Details | Rhyme | |

Just Because I Said I Do

OH NO!! He's done it once again, and says it's no big deal! I just found out......she is on her way!! His snobby Aunt Adele! It slipped his mind, her phone call came,.... a call he forgot to share! The morning paper’s everywhere, and breakfast dishes are here and there His feet up in the easy chair, my husband in his underwear "Don't fuss", he says, so nonchalantly,.......... (I think I'm going to kill him!!!!) I run in circles around room and to stash away the clutter “Help me quick. Get off your rear!!” I scream while he just mutters A headless chicken, is who I am! He stands there in a quandary, He yawns a bit, then scratches head, while I hide dirty laundry! Running to the bedroom, I'm gasping for a breath “You’ve got to get your shirt on!…For Pete’s sake, dear! Find your pants!” "Cripes all mighty! We must hurry! We’ve got to make the bed!” I brush my hair, a dab of rouge...I paste a phony smile I hear him greet her at the door with......"So good of you to call!! "Stay the night........it's quite all right........we have an extra bed !!" I smile with dread.........One look at him......(Tomorrow he'll be DEAD !!)
_____________________________________________ Just for fun........thankfully he has no Aunt Adele! :)!!!


Details | I do not know? | |

I had sex with my mother-in-law Part 2

(This is a fictional poem)

I've never been able to win.
I wound up having sex with my mother-in-law again.
She seduced me one night when I was drunk.
The only thing that I remember is that her vagina really stunk.
I was disgusted to wake up with my mouth buried in her wrinkled ass.
She asked me to do her again but I quickly decided to pass.
She did something that I really regret.
She has a picture of us in the 69 position and she put it on the internet.
I hope that picture isn't seen by any of my buddies.
And if it is, I want someone to get a gun and put me out of my misery.
It's disgusting to know that I once again touched that wrinkled flab.
But I'm really pissed off because the ##### gave me the crabs.


Details | Senryu | |

Rednecker Car Wash

.

                                                   Pouring down rain
                                                 Dirty car on carporch
                                     Husband_back car out needs washing




(Non-traditional
Senryu)


Details | Pantoum | |

Old Shattered Pieces

Old chair shattered pieces trash now
I'm envious of my love's new chair
For he softly lays his sleepy brow
Upon that brown leather without a care

I'm envious of my love's new chair
For he snuggles down close sleeps
Upon that brown leather without a care
Rests, dreams, and quietly talks peeps

For he snuggles down close sleeps
In this big man new leather recliner
Rest, dreams, and quietly talks peeps
This big man who rest then is kinder

In this big man new leather recliner
He caresses the leather gently
This big man who rest then is kinder
While he rest I watch him intently

He caresses the leather gently
For he softly lays his sleepy brow
While he rest I watch him intently
Old chair shattered pieces trash now


Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

COFFEE SPIRIT

What! Coffee can is empty He saw in the bin Earlier, It's aroma diffuses around the room Awake, but right on bed he rests So, it soothes. Early in the morning He likes to taste Inspiration flows afterward He thought: My coffee am sure is waiting for zips Activates the body and re-awakens the memory Fingers grip the pen and write tirelessly He chuckles As the sweet smell of the coffee continues... He could hear the clinging of wares from the kitchen Baby is ready for school, he guessed And coffee is there in the kettle He smiles Rhythmically, He walks and whistle to bath Freshen up then straight to dine Alas! Noodle past garnished with chillies and shrimps in plate Why? Coffee cup is deprived of content He gazed So, ...She drank the coffee he smelled She would be inspired instead He thought. Oh! What a regret He thought of coffee.


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Basket Full Of Love

A Basket Full Of Love

Love him
when breakfast
aromas
wake you
and the coffee
he's holding
as you rise
shapes a smile
on your rested face

Cherish 
when
you feel 
the need
for a day off
from the chores
that
the love
he holds for you
gets
it done
with no objection

Admire him
as the
attraction 
he has
stays
when you look
your worst
and that
monthly curse
makes you scream
and cry at him

Affection 
for his
embracing hugs

Appreciation of the 
strong respect
as he
guards
his precious one

Each 
new day
greeted together
take
a second
and
let him
idolize you
as you 
worship him


Details | Nonet | |

The Kiss

My toes curled under as he kissed me.
Our lips locked in passion so strong,
Knee caps cracked in reaction
When the suction was gone.
Heels touched the floor
I looked up
At his 
Nose.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Me without You

Me without you is a motionless sail boat,
A kid being out doors in the winter without a coat.
A basketball star without ever having any coach.
Can you picture trying to fly a plane with no engine?
A mother of three trying to feed her children with no kitchen?
Do you notice some of the things that are missing?
Baby you are a puzzle, with a piece missing. 
Without the E in ME, is everything! 
Nothing is complete if there is no YOU AND ME.
That is like trying to serve a turkey with no wings on Thanksgivings.
I am the key you turn in your ignition, I kindle your love intentions.
Oh, what sweet reminiscing, like a pastry treats with frosting.
I bet that put a smile on your face, like a kid winning his first race.
 As I were your Hostess Twinkie and you were my creamed that filled me.
You are the only one that completes me, that how our love flow so swiftly.
As a little girl twirling around in her favorite dress, I think I will keep you because you fit me best.
There is no such thing as a Me without you, because simply no one could ever compare to you.
That is like a sneaker with no lace, you are surly to fall on your face.
But don’t worry I will be right there to catch you with grace.


Details | Sonnet | |

The Bride

On the wedding
The Bishop co-ordinating
Called in the groom
Only awaiting the bride
Hymns going up in the air
Half hour passed
And yet she is unarrived
"What is delaying you?"
The groom yelled at the Bishop
"Your bride isn't here"
With a dimple from the groom's cheek
Loke side way at his bride
"He has long arrived
I am gay"


Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

Is It A Dream World

A funny little clown, a bright red nose.
Lots of make-up, and bright blue bows.

Children laughing, some fat and some thin.
Either dressed in new clothes or rags that are faded and dim.

Pretty white ponies with beautiful glittery saddles.
And again, those funny clowns are hitting eachother with paddles.

One clown keeps fallimg and pretending to cry.
The other is daydreaming and lets out a big sigh.

There are beautiful ladies whose costumes are rare.
And a man who scares the children by dressing up as a bear.

Fantasizing is a convienient thing, it keeps the shock low.
So the surprise about the real world won't be such a big blow.

"Surprised about what"? is what you ask next.
Its something you can't learn in a text.

You'll learn about life by the things you go through.
You'll learn about whats fake and about what is true.

You'll see that the clowns are still funny and have a red nose.
But then you'll see realize only money buys the ladies rare clothes.

That's also when you realize your clothes are faded and dim.
And you recognize how many times you've been beaten by him.

Yes, those clowns with paddles are at it again.
Funny. They are married and they're children number ten.

Thier children are scared and crying in bed.
Because thier big mean daddy made thier sweet mommy dead.


Details | Rhyme | |

Yes Dear With Flighty Emotions

Scrub floors or walk the plank
Cook continuously
Emotions flighty felt
Swim vigorously in sea

What bad could happen next
On sea floating within inch
Of boat with slow gait
What an experience

Next time I'll just say,
"Yes, dear" for it  will be
Much safer than the plank
And sharks in open sea.


Details | Free verse | |

Doggie Moss

My husband’s eyes are tearing up! Yes, it’s that time of year!
The doggie moss just keeps creeping, everywhere my dear.
Wherever does it come from? It seems to keep eluding me, for sure.
As it constantly creeps in to cover my carpet, like a fine velour.
I complain daily to my hubby, as it attacks my dogs and house.
I say, its a fine black sheen that floats in the air, through out.
My hubby doesn’t understand… He says its only hair from the shedding dogs.
But I assure him daily that it’s truly nothing of the kind, my love…
I groom the doggies, saying its to save the dogs and destroy the moss. 
Each time I explain about the moss, my hubby promptly snorts.
Then his eyes begin to twinkle as they slowly water up.
He heard me pray to God one day to help me with the moss.
He says he stumped his toe as the snort turned into a lions roar.
But when I went into the room he was doubled up, rolling on the floor.
Again his eyes were tearing as I swear I heard him trying to stifle a loud guffaw…
Then the next day he brought me home a gift, an adorable white poodle dog.
He said it’d prove it wasn’t moss and was coming from the other dogs.
I felt I had to explain, that the poor white poodle was also being struck. 
Then, I sadly showed him the black velour also adhering to it’s fluff.
He looked totally incredulous, as the tears came again, with a lively snort.
He’s way too kind as he tries not to laugh at my antics… to my face.
He would never hurt my feelings, for he thinks I believe earnestly what I say.
I don’t think he’ll ever catch on… as he tries not to tremble from his mirth.

Now, I know you may think me crazy… Though, we all are, in each our own way…
Actually, I do know it’s the dogs shedding, though that I’ll never admit or betray.
For every time he tries not to laugh, its too much fun to miss the display.


Details | Limerick | |

Roman Wedlock

A baby, pious, was born by aide
He named it Gaias, and felt like a jade
While he cried,
Cause mommy died.
His wife hired yet another maid. 


Details | Light Poetry | |

Lovers Tiff

Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie
Your demands will be the death of me
I’ve done my best now let me rest
You’ve drained my body physically 
You’ve worn me out I’ve had enough
I can’t keep on performing 
Let's take a break, relax, unwind
Continue in the morning

Okay, come on, let’s do it
We’ve had our little tiff
I’ve had myself a rest, and
Now I’m getting rather stiff
So get up to the bedroom
We’ll continue with this caper
But you can do the pasting, and
I will hang the paper


Details | Light Poetry | |

War Of The Sex'es




War of the sex'es 
(Gram’s advice to newlyweds)

Shame on all the “Momma’s boys”
Wanting to have the upper hand
So I am asking all my sisters
To arise and take a stand.
Their mothers all have
Spoiled them by granting
Every whim
From ironing their socks
To giving their hair 
A monthly trim

So what's a bride to do
To change their attitude?
Just say "forget it pal"
Whenever they’re "in the mood"
Then we'll see how quickly
They will pick up a mop or broom
And wipe the floor in no time
 Chasing you around the room

Boys…it doesn't take much effort
To give her confidence a boost
It takes TWO to make a marriage
Only ONE to rule the roost!
Would you rather be a King
In your castle all alone
Or sharing power with your Queen
BOTH ruling from the throne!


Details | Rhyme | |

beware there in

Dad heard a scream from up stairs,
He ran to his son’s rescue and found him in tears.
“What’s the matter son?” Dad gently said,
There’s, there’s a monster in the bathroom and I’m really scared.

“It’s lumpy and hairy with a warts on it legs,”
“And on it’s chest it has what looks like two scrambled eggs”
“It’s belly hangs all the way down to it’s knees
“Daddy, daddy, protect me please!” 

“It knows my name, it, it said it through a toothless grin,”
“It’s face is vomit green.”
“Enough,” said Dad smiling, “There’s no such thing.”
A rumbling noise came from the bathroom.
Go see Dad but come back soon.

Dad stood by the bathroom door for a while be fore he went in
And when he opened it his terrified son heard dad scream.
The monster had a huge wart on it’s bum
That's when dad recognized it and said “ Son needs therapy now How could you mum”

*For Lisa who gave me the title. I hope it is good for you as it was for me :-)*


Details | Couplet | |

Moving Day

It’s clear after this perfunctory bout, I’m packin’ your things and you’re movin’ out! On our first day we both made such grand vows, now I hear you’re stepping out to carouse. That Megan teen’s “preggers” and they say it’s yours; how fast can I toss your butt through the doors? You promised to love (in good times only?) Megan’s folks are movin’; guess you’ll be lonely. Think you’re the gold ring on all carousels? Stick around, I’ll muster a few more decibels. I’ll toss ya a bone; go fetch it Fido. Keep running, don’t come home. That’s a no-no! I’d expect loyalty from “man’s best friend” Now scoot! I need a laugh from your back end.
*Written for Susan Burch’s “CHEATER, CHEATER” Contest. October 24, 2011


Details | Narrative | |

For The Sake of Argument

I had laid foundation for this moment.
But who I wonder, might be listening?
The deftly fashioned phrases I had planned,
now tumble into mismatched tiles
of scrambled words, from scrabble's hand
spilling garble out of hand!

Now, this is news you may refuse
But let me tell you: HOW NOT TO ARGUE!

Yes!  Wrestle,  woo with words, I will!
I spill opinions, and take a stand!
Will he fall and say “Yes dear,”
while my stunning words appear
taking hold the upper hand?

Darn it!, much against my will,
emotional blubber, my tears will well!
My calm approach, and swift attack,
falls apart, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?? !!
My soapbox, platform, for two left feet,
will crumble with my shamed defeat!

My five alarm fire, starts with a blaze,
too soon becomes a fading haze !
Just gol-darn smoke gets in his face!

Gibberish, senseless words out loud,
once proud embers, sound absurd!

Can't I once, get THE LAST WORD??

The surging tide, a frothy ripple,
makes him giggle, never grovel!
Pleasure gleams in both his eyes,
This drama queen just wants to die!
Dang it, I can never win
He folds his arms, and sports a grin!

Better end this bitter novel......
Let me dig, with my own shovel !!




______________________
For Verlena's Slam Contest...Round 2


Details | Rhyme | |

An Unlikely Husband

Some say men give you sanctuary 
others deem them sedimentary. 
My cousin claims they’re alive to cheat 
anyone and everyone that they meet. 
Yet some can’t help but fall in love 
saying he was their match; the other glove. 
Some blame the syllables of adoration muttered in their ear
or the TV for unveiling marriage without fear.
Whether men are thought wonderful or wild 
I possess one with a mild 
temper, who’s been with me for fifteen years 
we don’t grasp each other’s hands or even kiss 
believed by some to be a couple’s bliss. 
Yet if sorrow haunts me 
or if tears grace the floor, 
he is forever there to adore. 
Instead, I enjoy stroking his hair,
as we lounge by the fire without a care. 
His interests involve watching birds flutter about 
outside in the lawn, where he’d enjoy getting out.  
I chose him, yet he chose me
sat upon my lap, the rest was history.  
I know upon him my heart is set 
he isn’t employed, but on me he’s spent 
a thousand purrs and mews of hello, 
and unwavering trust enough to know 
that I will always provide for and care 
for my trusted feline companion…
I know he’ll always be there.


Details | Couplet | |

Eat up

Honey, I baked a casserole for you
(My secret ingredient: a turd or two!)



Received 4th place in "any funny poem" contest




Details | Rhyme | |

Handy Man

As sweet and fluffy as cotton candy
Is my love who is so handy
With his repair kit to fix things dandy
It's so nice to have man about___eyecandy


Details | Light Poetry | |

Always

Walking with you all the way, because I missed you night and day. 
Holding your hand to help guide the way, in the light of the moon? 
Sunshine brightening our lives whispering ways, hold my hand, 
I want to be with you, up lift your soul in oh so many crazes. 
Hold you in my arms and remembering when our lives took us, 
Each to two separate places, what am I to do now? Eyes so clear, 
Pull your likeness... 
Closer to me now and cling to you at closed in spaces? 
Whisper in your ear that I have no grievances to spare, so come to me, 
Come to me now, I want you to be here, love me now, I have a life to share. 
The effects are rollin over our bodies, like it can’t decide, 
Caught in between here and taking you out to be the ride of your life. 


Details | Rhyme | |

My Family and Me

It's amazing how quick things can change.
First your running with the kings, and then you're knocked out of range.
It's strange. I used to worry and stress over friends.
Now I've grown to be a man. Maybe know a few of them.
All that time I could of studied. Did better in school.
Got a job and made it big. Maybe now I'd be cool.
Who's the fool? Now who's the bull? I know that's not me on the top.
Life is always making turns weather you like it or not.
The past will always be the past. My glory days may seem gone.
But, now its time to start a new.The stories keep coming on.
I've got a new girl. She means the world to me.
She keeps me warm at night, my best friend, my new dream.
Since my car accident, still got a limp on one side.
Still working with my memory, still need a friend who can drive.
I love to Karaoke. I get noticed in bars.
My mom's always there to catch me. Tom's working with my mom's cars.
My sister's in the Army, my niece is a big part of my life,
Friend Zach keeps assholes off me, and God is my wife.
AJ's always there to help, Brian is my LOST bud,
Mary's out of school, Lil cousin, Hunter's a stud.
Grandpa still is my idol, JT is still the music man .
The Adam's still can party. Chris, living good on the sand.
I may only use one hand, but I plan to be the best.
At all I do in life, cause there's not that much time left.
The blood test that I took says Landon is mine.
I hope this all works out fine in time and help to make my son's life shine.
JC who's down in Georiga, my heart is screaming for you.
I hope that you recover well. It can't be worse then what I went through.
Uncle Jimmy where you at? Where's Matt, Corie, and Pete?
I know you all are doing good. Serviolo's are a hard team to beat.
How's the rest of the family? I love and miss you all!
I hope you all are standing tall and I pray we never fall.
These last words that I say, I say only to you.
We've got the best family in the world and you know I LOVE YOU!


Details | I do not know? | |

Something for the weekend

We’re preparing the house for invasion
They’ll be here pretty soon, there’s no doubt
The valuable things, have been tucked away
Some items, sans worth, we’ve left out

There are locks on all of the cupboards
The breakable pieces are hidden
To stop those inquisitive hands
Some rooms, will now be, forbidden

With toddlers about to arrive
For a weekend of laughter and frolics
If these grand parents hope to survive
They will need to become alcoholics 

But we sit and drink tea in the parlour
It passes the time while we’re waiting
Tea helps to quell, the nerves that you feel
When you’re infanticipating


Details | Light Poetry | |

Drinking from the Baby Bottle

Holidays come and holidays go, but the grocery store is a war zone.
You got to get there fast… or Honey you’re just plain out of luck!
My diabetic hubby drinks caffeine free diet soda and what luck…
You know the ones he takes to work... Only the little bottles are left…
I knew I was truly sunk when the 3rd store was just the same.
So as lunch came around, my manly man’s manly sized lunch came out.
But everyone became quiet and laughed as the baby sized bottle came out.
Everyone was laughing as my hubby drank it down.
Then he held it up and said “In your diapers” as everyone laughed around.
And to everyone’s surprise he pulled another one out from his lunch…
This time there was applause as he drank that sucker down.
Today was his day to entertain.
Tomorrow it’ll be someone else’s to claim.
Thank goodness his sense of humor… is worthy of acclaim…



Details | Rhyme | |

My Honey Dooooooo List

my honey do's should be my don'ts
but for some reason I can't say I won't
"yes honey I'll change your oil"
"ok I'll bring them shrimp to a boil"

listining to your mom oh what a bore
"yes honey I'll get smokes from the store"
"ok I'll get the kids from school"
"yes I'll bring you a towl to the pool"

"no honey I won't go to the bar"
"ok I'll fix the brakes on your mom's car"
"yes I sent your mother's birthday card"
"oh god I guess I'll rake your mom's yard"

I wish I could get a little bit of proof
while I'm putting shingles on your mom's roof
"jeeze now I'm doing her plumbing in pex"
when all I want is a little bit of SEX!

by Capt. Mike!


Details | Narrative | |

The Raunchy Haunch

“Quick smart struck onion!
You metronomous fishy tail!
You’ll not be taken in by me, 
you fraudulent legume!”

I seemed to have soundly unsettled her
Set her mind cross firing, flailing
But it’s not such a thing to be nettled for
No reason for wail and paling

“Quick, smart, lush young-one!
You’re melodious, pithy, hale!
I’m already taken much with you; 
please do let me resume!”  

Still I unbloomered my hand and bloused it
Found her skin a singin’ an’ tinglin’
Thrilled firm and brazenly arouse-ed 
Her dissent clearly dissemblin’

“Oh quick, start, rush lovin’!
My ‘band’s a louse, gritty, stale!
But he’ll not be taking long from now, 
or so we should assume!”

That’s when I heard an unsettling foot step
Eared hobnail booting scooting
And so sought out the exit I 'ad free kept
Flash fear foul intention mooting

Quick; dark, hush, re-button!
Your ‘band sussed our betrayal!
I’d best be taking my leave ‘bout now,
I’ll see you in no time soon!”


Details | Rhyme | |

Sally Got A Plan

In days past, a scratch
on a Willow at school;
Bill I want to catch!
I want a plan for a kiss,
having a longing for stars.
I do not want shy bliss!
Sally has Glory today,
owing to a swift plan,
Bill did not slip away;
Sally had a frying pan!


Details | Free verse | |

Sleeping Husband

My husband snores
Everyone closes their doors

He thrashes about
Like he is trying to get out

Where he is going
I do not know

You hear him all night long
Talking, yelling, singing a song

I tell him...please do something you silly old man
What can I tell you, that is all I can

He wakes up in the morning all rested and well
Why the rest of us want to stand up and yell....

Good Lord man...go to the doctor, you are not well!

©Holly P. Moore
   October 2012


Details | I do not know? | |

Armed and Dangerous (A Valentine's Poem)

Don’t know about you, but I think it’s stupid
To give lethal weapons to a diapered Cupid
(and what happens when he’s gotta go?)

See his soft feathered wings?
 (Those fat little things!)
They flutter fast as he flies to and fro

But as he tries to take aim
To start the Valentine game
He sees the earth rushing up from below

For he keeps sinking down
And hitting the ground
Overburdened by his arrows and bow

---

He comes to our planet just one day a year
To practice his skills as a shootist
The rest of the time he’s hidden away—
What’s he do in absentia? Be a flutist?

‘Cuz he sure can’t shoot straight, this fat little angel, 
Child of eros and chaos and earth
I wonder if Venus had any idea
He’d be so fickle, so playful, perverse

Some of his arrows are gold-tipped, 
The tips of the others are lead
And where the gold ones inspire amoré, 
The lead ones breed hatred instead

---
 
Yes, he’s armed & he’s dangerous,
This chubby fly boy
And he’s out of control in the air

At sweet couples kissing,
He keeps shooting & missing --
Hither & yon, over here, over there

So I say, Watch out for that cherub!
Stay out of his way!
Young lovers, go, take cover now!

Give one another a bear hug
And try to live through this day –
Look, he just hit a tree – Holy Cow!

Like I said, it’s just stupid
To arm this babe, Cupid,
To entrust him with arrows and bow

For while he can fly, he just can’t shoot straight
And I don’t want his hands to be holding my fate
I tell ya, he’s just got to go

Before something happens
And his lead-headed weapons
Accidentally break the heart of my beau


Details | Rhyme | |

An Ideal Husband

An ideal husband doesn’t argue,
He never squabbles or swears,
Only about his wife he cares.

He always says kind words,
Doesn’t do anything that hurts.
 
Doesn’t play cards or guzzles away money,
Days and nights repeats: You are my honey!

Out of the rest he is much wiser,
He is not poor or a miser.

In all he is good and so nice,
Always gives a good advice.

An ideal husband is very strong,
And his wife is never wrong.

Even in bed he is the best,
Every day with him is a fest.

At other women he never looks,
And plus to that he nicely cooks.

He is so handsome and not boring,
And you will never hear him snoring.

His wife is blameless and so gorgeous,
She goes out and he’s not jealous.

In all his wife he loves to assist.
Does such a husband really exist?

It seems he can be found only in dreams.

©Larisa Rzhepishevska (Odessa, Ukraine)


Details | Rhyme | |

Married Life

Newlyweds experience such happiness and bliss

But once the newness wears off, they notice something's amiss

Hassling over financial frights and dealing with meddling mothers

The once joyous couple may prefer the company of Insignificant others


Details | Light Poetry | |

Waiting for Me

Getting ready to go out
First I must shower, shave
That takes about an hour
Then I have to wear two towels
One on my head the other a makeshift dress
This feels good, so I sport that for a spell
That takes up one hour more
Then comes my arsenal of hair guns and wands
You would think I was preparing for some kind of 
Weird wizard war
After this I'm on hour four
Then I pick out my outfit
I have several things to choose
All of them your advice asked
Duly noted, but never used
You sigh and return to football
Where are we? Hour five?
Then comes makeup the easy part
Add half an hour
I’m looking good
My grand entrance into the room
Crickets
You’re asleep on the couch


Details | Light Poetry | |

Are you a man

Lovey-dovey, honey puff! You're a hero, if your wife Thinks of these words When they say Of her husband And you're not gay.


Details | Free verse | |

Little Red

Full Moon Brimming 
On A Hungry Wolf
Fire still burning 
Words are not enough

Red Riding Hood,
You stopped me where i stood.
The basket you held, looked so good,
I enticed...And you fell... 

In the woods... safe and sound
We could not believe what we had found
Me in denim... and you it lace

We understood, each other so very well
Full moon brimming over with light
Gazing into the eyes of the other

The twin to me, I did see, in You.
Be careful with my heart, my love.

My running shoes are unlaced for now,
So lean back and enjoy the ride.
Embrace all the laughter, our lives allow.

rlm


Details | Light Poetry | |

You Turned Me Into Eggs Again

It's like your scrambling my brain in a skillet
 I can't tell what you said and I am left with no wit
 
When you start talking everything gets hot
 Everything gets blurry, I can't say if what I heard is right or not
 
The sizzle of the butter as it melts down in the pan
 The pressure rises as butters browning, now do understand
 
There go my nerves as the egg cracks making a sound
 There goes my heart as the edibles fall out
 
When you loose me again as the egg and whisk go round
 Here I am again as the omelet takes it's route


Details | Couplet | |

My Hero

He talks in sound-bytes, my husband does
He's a computer geek - Best ever was!

All day long, he computes and computes
comes home at night, plays Battlefield, shoots

enemies galore,
defending our shores

In the vast cyber-world he so loves!


Details | Free verse | |

you to me

because of you, my heart is filled with joy
because of you, we now have a little boy
i want more of your love like a kid wants candy
your love to me, is an alcoholic's brandy
because of you, i will never give up
because of you my passion erupts
your soul to me, a painter's new work of art
your warm embrace, a winter coat that heats my heart
because of you, i don't have to worry
because of you, i get home in a hurry
your rough but delicate ways oh so nimble
your arms to me like a seamstress' thimble
because of you, I'm never alone
because of you, i will never move on
your love and your passion, my reasons to be
because without you, there would be no me


Details | Monorhyme | |

Night At The Movies

We checked out the newspaper, together we sought
A movie to see...it was just a last minute thought
There were two movies listed,....well,...we argued and fought
So we flipped a coin......Darn!!!  HIS tickets we bought! 

The movie reviewer, said it would be a huge flop
But I promised my hubby, that I'd give it a shot
Well....no sooner after we were seated....my eyes went into shock!
There was a haunting, and mayhem, and several heads getting chopped!!

So we left in the dark, to the lobby so bright
Found a another auditorium....playing MY movie......ALL RIGHT!!!
We seated ourselves....then they turned down the lights
He grumbled a while.....but I was happy tonight!!

There were castles, Prince Charming......no blood or the gore...
Lots of kissing and dancing....and smooching and more...
The folks sitting around us began to mutter then swore!....
'Cause my hubby was snoozing.....so loudly he snored!!

People were raving, threw popcorn....and soon began to shout!
We were rudely escorted......well........actually, they were throwing us out!!
The rest of the evening, when I had started to pout
He quickly rented a movie...., a lovely "Romance" that he sought
As we watched....we decided this was even better.....NO doubt!
........As we cuddled.....and smooched....and...........
               hmmm...on second thought...... 
                                   the rest of the evening .....I can't tell you about!!:)


(for Danielle's Monorhyme Madness contest)


Details | Rhyme | |

NIGHTIE NIGHT

I was feeling fruity last night
But my wife wasn’t in the mood
She said she was too tired
For doing anything rude

But I was still feeling fruity 
So I pleaded for her to succumb
Finally she said “ok”, 
“Pull my nightie down when you’re done”


Details | Rhyme | |

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

The morning paper’s everywhere, and breakfast dishes are here and there
Her feet up in the easy chair, the old man in his underwear
The phone starts ringing loud and clear, so hubby quickly disappears
When he returns, she sees a frown,…, He calmly says,  “Guess who’s in town?”
“The corporate boss, not far away….I have asked them here for lunch today!”
“A little lunch would be no trouble. He’s with his wife…her name is Mable”

“You did what???? she screams.  (Even the neighbors hear!) 
 “Oh my dear!  Company’s coming, and they are near?”
“Help me quick. Get off your rear!!”  And he replies…”Whatever you say, dear”

She frets and stews and carries on….her hubby simply mutters
She runs around the messy room and stashes all the clutter
She’s acting like a headless chicken, her partner in a quandary
He watches as she runs around, hiding dirty laundry
Oh dear, they’ll need some lunch to nibble, whatever could she fix?
She finds some tuna, cheese and crackers, a bag of party mix

Running to the bedroom, she’s gasping raves and rants
“You’ve got to get your shirt on!…For Pete’s sake, dear!   Find your pants!”
“Heaven’s, we must hurry!    We’ve got to make the bed!”
"Whatever you say, dear" he grumbles, and shakes his bewildered head
She discards her frumpy nightgown, powders her frantic frown
She quickly brushes hair, a dab of lipstick too
Tosses sloppy slippers, dons her pretty shoes

A knocking on the door, she pastes a cheery smile
Her unexpected company has come to stay awhile!
Breathing deep, she goes to greet them “So good of you to call!”
“What’s that.....a bother?” “ Now don’t be silly, you aren’t bothering us at all!”

She shoots a glance, a daggered lance, into her husband’s mug
He has no clue,  ignores what brews…a deep, dark hole he's dug 
For again, it seems he’s lost his head…and says
….”Stay the night, it's quite all right, we have an extra bed!!”

She smiles with dread,  “Whatever you say, dear,” she said.........
                   
    (but …tomorrow he’ll be DEAD!!!)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   



Details | Rhyme | |

She loved her adverb more than me

My wife has left me for an adverb.
I don't know which one it is!
Is it slowly,quickly, nearly?
Life should not be like a quiz.

She told me that she "nearly" loved me,
When "dearly" was what I had hoped.
Life is full of lost illusions...
How do we 'reaved lovers cope

I think I should have kept it secret,
For now I sit and sadly grieve.
Do you think my wife is cruel?
What a strange excuse to leave!

Would she leave me for a pronoun?
Would she leave for a full stop?
Would I leave you for a quote mark?
Would I fall down in a black dot?

Come back,darling for I love you.
I have learned I must take care.
I will go for grammar lessons.
I am sure I can learn flair!

We can write a poem together,
You can choose the topic,dear.
I will hold my pen and write for
They say true love drives out fear.

Did I fear her? Did I love her?
Was she worthy of my heart?
Did she dislike my hairy nostrils?
Was that why we had to part?

Come back Mary,come back Mavis.
Come back Sunny, come back Sue
Without my wife I feel so lonely.
What is a left man to do?

Shall I vote for love or money?
Shall I throw my self away?
Shall I get a new agenda?
Will a new life start today?

Come back Miriam,come back Sarah!
Where have all the women gone?
Come back Rivka with your grammar.
I can feed you a cheese scone.

I work hard and I can cook.
I put fresh linen on the bed.
I can pay my bills in full.
But without my Love,my heart is dead


Details | I do not know? | |

Professional Divorcé

Lost in emotions
Two souls approaching new path
Bitterness adorned


Forgetting love, possibly they shared.
Reasoning on the fights, they had bared.
Manly disfiguring blow.
So possible you know.
Now departing, both no longer  paired.


Marriages four, divorced three times now in this life of mine.

If another comes my way, next lover shall be a glass of wine..




For
Sponsor (Destroyer ((Poet 
Contest Name ~DIVORCE CLUB~ 


Details | Rhyme | |

I'll Go First

Every week on Friday
McGee worked late at night
But this time would be different
The work load seem real light

So he left a little early
Punched his card and tipped his hat
Then headed to O'Malley's
For a stiff one and some chat

But a feeling seem to come to him
Perhaps He'd just go home
And surprise his little wife
That's waiting there alone

So he walks down the empty streets
"Till he made it to his door
Takes his shoes off as he enters
As to tip-toe cross the floor

That's when he hears some noise
Cracks the bedroom door to see
His Buddy Finn and his wife
Are making merrily 

Oh, McGee he got so flustered 
But didn't stop their fun
And slowly crept away
To the next room for his gun

He was locked and Loaded
When he kicked right through the door
With the gun at his head, He said,
"I can't take this anymore"

But his wife left the bed
And knelt down on her knees
And begged him not to kill himself
and "Put the gun down,Please"

McGee then looked upon his wife
His expression was quite vexed
Then he told her to "SHUT UP"
Cause she was surly NEXT !


Details | Rhyme | |

My husband has a rubber face

Posted January 8th, 2013 by Writekate

    Short love poem

My husband has a rubber face,
He’s from a subspecies of the human race.
Some men have faces fixed and set;
My husband’s face is not like that.

He imitates our politicians,
Just like Rory Bremner can.
Though he has no wig or hair piece,
He can look like anyone.

Some nights I waken for I am laughing
While I am quite sound asleep.
I am dreaming of his mobile features,
Contorted to a different shape.

He is skilled at telling jokes.
And he loves a good cartoon.
If I am feeling flu style blueness
I he can get me up again.

He has a rather noble visage.
He gets attention he abhors.
In the bar on King’s Cross Station—
I was asked was he a Lord!

He’s a Lord of Fun and Humour.
He’s a Lord at Listening Well.
He’s unique, but so are you,
And all creatures that on earth do dwell


Details | Haiku | |

Ripe Muscadines

.
                                      

                                     Ambrosial essence
                                 To the eyes nose palate...
                                 Deers jump six foot fence


Details | Limerick | |

Toolbox

A plumber called Geoffrey Golightly
Enjoyed making love almost nightly
But he got such a clout
When his wife caught him out
Now he’s holding his toolbox quite tightly


Details | Limerick | |

BOOMERANG HUSBAND'S PURR


                                      Jaunty can't live without her
                                          for silly matters deter
                                         actually he loves much 
                                       gone from home no touch
                                       boomerang husband's purr







Note: Sorry, this is my first limerick


Details | Rhyme | |

Valen-Times

So, hey...
Wass all this 'bout Valentines Day?
Hell, ain't much more'n a play.
Peoples just acting the day away
T' git some roughin' later in the hay.

Been thinkin' 'bout this fer hours...
What's the deal with them flowers?
Ain't no really big WOW!ers.
Better sendin' 'em back to the plowers.

Oh yeah, and "I love you" on some dang card!?
What am I, a freakin' retard?
Mushier 'n a tub o' lard.
Y' know, after a while...
...some things just git tired.

What else I forgit?
Gifts I can't afford for s(p)it.
Lingerie or heart-shaped oven mit?
Hell, you know ain't nothin' gonna fit.

Now I know somethin' here's amiss.
Don't understand farther 'n i can piss.
There a senimenal romance somewhere's in all this.
So come on over here, darlin',...and give me a kiss.


Details | Blank verse | |

I Want to be Your Bride

I want to be your bride
No beating around the bush

I want to wear a white cape
And mouse ears
I want to blow raspberries at your loved ones

I want to dance 
Alone
On a table to our song
I want to eat the best bits of the cake
And lick the icing
When no ones looking

I want to make a speech
When I’m drunk
And call you by an ex-boyfriends name
I want to sit on your Mothers knee
Thinking it’s you

I want to arrive an hour early at the church
In the rain
And wait outside
I want jesters and clowns in bridesmaid dresses
To follow me around all day

I want a ring
I want five rings
One for each finger
And thumb
Just in case I lose one

I want an orchestra of mice
To make your relatives dance
I want to take you to bed
And sing you nursery rhymes as I undress
I want you my darling
Don’t you want me too?


Details | Verse | |

Finish This Verse

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Baby, I'm the best thing
That's ever happened to you.


3/12/12 for Susan Burch's Finish This Verse contest


Details | Limerick | |

The Shooting Star

Spishu,spishu the shooting star
Noisily flies across night bar
Lights life for split second
Then wonder if beckon
Which one is being called afar


Details | Rhyme | |

AN EMBRACE TO REMEMBER

I was wondering how it happened,
That we were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
We had gone there without thinking of anything but love,
Love so true, so deep, so fine.


We had gone to the hotel the night before, 
She was to be my true and only one.
We embraced each other that night as husband and wife,
And planned to continue until the rising sun.


I had prepared it well, at least I thought,
A great dinner, show, and then Champaigne.
She added her own personal touch for me,
A hot, slinky, pink, see-thru negligee.


Oh, I was aroused, to say the least,
The Champaigne wasn't the only thing to pop!
Then, in the midst of our doing as lovers do,
We lost our focus and had to stop.


Something was amiss there in the night,
Just what I could not tell.
Her countenance changed so rapidly,
From tender lover... to demon from hell.


In a funny way I felt so strange,
I knew she had felt it too.
But the testosterone in me just had to ask,
"Did the Earth Move for You?"


She looked at me with mouth agape,
"How could you ever ask that of me?
When we are alone on our honeymoon,
Thousands of miles from home, here in Chile."


"Of course the earth moved for me,
Do you think I have no feelings at all?"
"Of course you do!",  said I in sheepish reply,
"Did you hear something coming from the hall?"


We both got dressed quickly then,
And we bolted for the door.
As the earth had moved for everyone,
The shaking was coming from the floor.


I had never experienced an earthquake you see,
So my natural thought was that it was me.
But when that building started to shake,
I had to take it more seriously.


We got to the street just in time,
As the hotel fell into a heap.
Yet there I was with only the clothes on my back,
And a newlywed bride...I guess I would keep.


"Did the Earth Move for You?"


Details | Free verse | |

The ventilation bag

are my shoulder that wide in midst of battles tide                                                              like a proverbial  punching bag  I take the hit swinging                                                      absorbing a mighty blow around I go in circular flow                                                          not going to far fixed upon this string                                                                               try not saying much from thud of the bout                                                                        for this my work maybe a resounding crack smack or whack                                               in the middle of working it out  there is no place to hide                                                     I know  my shoulder aren't really that wide but the man behind this man                            bears all the weight standing firm he has got my back                                                       as he gives me strength round eight i go toe to toe


Details | Haiku | |

Fussy Baby

Baby cries, Dad sleeps soundly Selective hearing? Do you think?
In honor of Dr. Ram Mehta's "Quinzaine" contest


Details | Rhyme | |

My Full-Figured Girl


I did marry a full-figured girl
with sweet luscious red lips,
and, oh yeah, the right sized hips


 I so enjoy her blonde curl
and she stands out in room
 I sure love her perfume


She often whispers in my ear,
and I  like it when 
she'll bring me a beer

what a honey, what a dear


She has fun when she winks at me,
and she  loves making me blush
just  blow those kisses from my chair,
she'll jump to catch them in the air

and she'll jump on me
and tickle til I scream


Now, all is peachy as long as  
         I don't , you know,
 get all  up in her milkshake
    You know what I mean


 Yet , I just love to say she's my wife;
 she's the very best friend in my life.


McCuen Copyright September 2008


Details | Verse | |

He always

He always leaves a coffee ring that makes me so sad because it reminds me I've trained him so bad.
He always leaves the seat up that makes me so sad I have really trained this guy so bad.
But I have trained this guy well in one places lets just say, AS we our always running out of the little blue pill anyway.


Details | Free verse | |

Hobble Hubby

My hubby let the dogs out and sprained his ankle on the step.
Then for days he hobbled around on that foot, stubborn yet.
Definitely not getting better I got him a crutch at the store.
For twelve hours it sat there not doing much, after being procured.
But then he picked it up with grumbles, of that you can be sure.
Now it’s become fun to make up stories to keep his friends adrift.
Would you believe he stepped into an interdimensional rift?
Or how about I got mad and kicked him in the shins, ouch!
Or the dogs bit his leg as he took my sons homework from their mouth.
It must have been a great paper or tasted like meat sauce.
Or it happened in the basement while he was wrestling with the Trolls.
Perhaps he followed a group of Lemmings to a place he shouldn’t go.

Yes, he’s my hobble hubby and I love him oh so much.
With his imagination life is never dull as my heart he does touch.
And occasionally he balances on one foot and tells coworkers…
He’s practicing his Karate Kid flamingo move or such…
And he’s warned me he’d be safer if he could only find reverse.
Yep, he’s on his way to recovery with just the right amount of smiles.
Heaven help us as he continues to entertain us with his wiles.
Believe me, his imagination will bloom as time continues on.
Now if you’ll excuse me…I have to go catch up…for like he says… 
He hobbles like the wind and it’s really hard to keep up.

                                 


Details | Rhyme | |

Your Not So Funny Face

Dimples worn upon your cheeks
those early days when we would meet...
Slowly morphed, and were then replaced by
parenthesis, that would surround your face
your mouth, your forehead, and you were bound
with worried frowns

They were not there
when first we met
It is my bet, and I would gage
the consequence that comes with age.........or........
perhaps in fault, I'll estimate, 
the end result of many years of marriage? !!!

A crease in your brow
as deep as a ocean
from worries grown
and worries known
since knowing me!

 I have a notion
your forehead betrays
unhinged emotions
with lines you display
from every commotion!

The wrinkles you bear...,
the tinge of gray hair...,
I may have put there!

In spite of my care
in spite of my flair
my honest intentions, while paying attention
were part of my charm and devotion !!


Details | Light Poetry | |

TAKING ...APPLICATIONS....

SEARCHING FO A SOULMATE INQUIRE WITHIN
PLEASE:NO INFANTS UNDER THE AGE OF 25.
BRING TWO FORMS OF I.D. AND A SOCIAL
SECURITY CARD.AND YES I'M CONDUCTING
A FULL BACKGROUND CHECK... SORRY IF
I OFFENDED ANY.......

SEACHING FOR A SOULMATE INQUIRE WITHIN
PLEASE:LOG ON AND READ THE INSTRUCTIONS 
CAREFULLY .IF YOU CAN'T READ THEN DON'T
WASTE YOUR TIME OR MINE.

SERCHING FOR A SOULMATE INQUIRE WITHIN
PLEASE:JOB STABILITY IS A MUST. SOUL SISTA
DESIRES TO KNOW A BROTHER CAN HOLD IT DOWN.
NOT ONLY PHYSICALLY BUT FINANCIALLY.....

SEARCHING FOR A SOULMATE INQUIRE WITHIN
PLEASE:CHARACTER CHECK IS NECESSARY. I
PREFER A MAN OF QUALITY AND SUBSTANCE.
CHEATERS NEED NOT APPLY UNLESS YOU'RE
REFORMED.MEN THAT ARE FILLED WITH EXCUSES
SAVE YOUR DRAMA FOR THE MAURY POVICH SHOW.

SERCHING FOR A SOULMATE INQUIRE WITHIN 
PLEASE:LIST YOUR PLACE OF RESIDENCE OH!
I APOLOGIZE NOT YOUR MOMMA'S HOUSE. I
MEAN THE PLACE WHERE YOU PAY RENT.

SERCHING FOR A SOULMATE INQUIRE WITHIN
PLEASE:LIST 10 REFERENCES THIS PART 
WOULD INCLUDE YOUR BABIES MOMMA'S, AND
ANY CHILD SUPPORT ISSUES.THIS PART WOULD
EXCLUDE FORMER PRISON INMATES.

SERCHING FOR A SOULMATE INQUIRE WITHIN
PLEASE:I NEED CONTACTS WITH WORKING
TELEPHONE NUMBERS. I HAD SOME PROBLEMS
WITH CELL PHONE DICONNECTS DUE TO NON-PAYMENT.

SERCHING FOR SOULMATE INQUIRE WITHIN
PLEASE:LAST BUT LEAST LIST AND EXPLAIN
THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH .......
JESUS CHRIST, AND ARE YOU COMMITED TO
SERVING HIM.A FAMILY THAT PRAYS TOGETHER
STAYS TOGETHER.I NEED A EQUALLY YOKED
RELATIONSHIP...........................

TAKING APPLICATIONS INQUIRE WITHIN ......


Details | Verse | |

Breakfast Love

Breakfast begins with out a care
 Waffles and applesauce
 Thats what love is
 This mourning here with you
 I just reminisced 
Our first kiss
 And this mourning
 It's applesauce to you
 And just because
 I hit life's pause
 I now give sauce
 And it's because 
Of the things you do


Details | Free verse | |

Spate of the Union

 He thinks of better women
She thinks of lesser men
	the kids think
    Two Christmases!
Neither thinks of them
	but he won't budge
      cause she'd get half
	and she won't budge
      cause she'd only get half


Details | Ballad | |

"Michelle & Mookey"

Mookey and Michelle were lovers                           
Oh, how they could love                              
they were faithful until something went wrong                                                             
he loved her, but something is wrong                        

Michelle Is a good wife to him                               
that’s what he said                                                    
spent 50 dollars to by her man a picture                          
he loved her, but something is wrong	           

Michelle called his cousin                               
Just to see if he was there                                             .
said: brother-in-law,Has my baby been here?                                           
he loved her, but something is wrong                    

“you are a good wife and I don’t lie,                            
I won’t lie to you,he stayed with some girl he left this morning  
the gal is Tiffany Jones                                                 
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle went down to the bar                                     
Didn’t go to drink                                                         
underneath her shirt she carried a nine-milli gun                                           
he loved her, but something is wrong                           

Michelle looked over the car to see if he was there                                                    
there was Mookey on the stool holding Tiffany’s hand                                                 
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle stooped down beside the car   
Pop ,pop ,pop ,pop four shot let out
Right through the door
he loved her, but something is wrong

The first two hit Mookey
She heard him yell out in pain
The third one hit Tiffany in the leg
There were two new faces in hell
he loved her, but something is wrong
                               
“Oh, it hurt, he yell
His left side was bleeding 
Her left leg bleeding
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle looked out the jailhouse
To see the beautiful life.
She could see the birds flying, she could hear them sing
he loved her, but something is wrong

Michelle said to the sheriff, “What is my punishment? ”
Sheriff said, “Michelle,It’s the electric chair for you”
he loved her, but something is wrong

This story is crazy but true,that shows that it is true
When people say men ain’t no good
he loved her, but something is wrong


Details | Free verse | |

Kate's Bible Add On

And it came to pass that they ate their dinner
and that she did washeth up.
And she did leave the dishes to drain
Whilst she put on the washing machine.
and the man was very pleased.

And it further came to pass
that she gave the man some pudding
and he was more pleased.
And then it came to pass the he fell asleep
By the fire.

And the Lord God,said
who is this man that sleepeth by his fire?
And he said,I shall waken him up
And the man awoke,
And God spake unto him

How is it that the woman laboureth in ye kitchen.
And that thou sleepeth here in an armchair.
and the man said,
but Thou didst order women to labour.
And the Lord God said unto the man
Why dost Thou remember so selectively what I have said?
And the man said,
I knoweth not and therefore I will help this woman.
And the Lord God said,
Why dost thou not think of it thyself?
And the man said in reply,
It was Thou that made me,O God.

And the Lord God was displeased with the man.
so he called down a plague of butterflies
To prevent him from sleeping.
And when the woman came in
she was much pleased to see these butterflies
and so she fell onto the man
And he did make love unto her.
And the cat was very pleased.

For it thrilled him to watch humans mating
and gave him hope
That the Lord God would take his rib and make a mate for him.
And indeed it doth seem to have happened
Judging by all the cats staring in ye old window here
And by their ecstatic yelps
That the Lord God was very generous with them
and made them many mates.
For truly there is no jealousy among them
And they mate freely and happily
and never have rows about the washing up..as they eat straight from the can.Amen

Here endeth thy lesson for today.


Details | Limerick | |

Trouble In Paradise

I once knew a man from the city
Whose girlfriends were all very pretty
He did live a charmed life
Till found out by his wife
Where she kicked him at was a pity!


Details | Free verse | |

Epistle to a Retired Husband

A list of rules upon your retirement
because I have my interests and activities;
no, we are not getting rid of my car,
I cherish my freedom to move.
I suggest you find your own pastimes,
you'd look pretty silly in red hat.
Oh, by the way, don't follow me shopping
in baseball cap, jeans and white socks.
Grocery planning is my domain
so don't hold forth on where to shop.
I'm out to bunco and Friends of the Library,
meetings held in the evening.
I knit with companions, again early evening,
don't call the shop to see if I'm there.
Remember we said that we'd travel?
There you go!  Get to the travel agency.
Paris, Rome, London, I'm up for those.
I want to eat out whenever I wish,
no more big meals on weekends.
You get the picture? I'm retired, too!
When does the plane leave?  I'm ready!


Details | Rhyme | |

CULINARY OFFENSE

"You shouldn't cook that!"

I heard them all say.

"Why, that's only served

on Christmas Day!"



"You shouldn't bake that,

Something else you must cook.

Our husbands will know

and how will that look?"



"It's fourth of July

No time for that dish.

These rules can't be broken

please honor our wish!"



But I pay no heed

to wives' rambling tricks.

My taste buds cry out

for sage and bread mix.



No husband have I

to eat what I make.

So why should I care

whatever I bake?



There is no set rule

No government law!

I just crave dressing

with turkey. That's all.


Details | Rhyme | |

NOT THE JEALOUS TYPE

Henry called his wife from a crowded bar,
and with the sweetest tone told her,
" Honey, I have to work overtime tonight...
don't stay up late and turn off the light. "


Jane responded with worry in her voice and caressing her hair,
"Eat your dessert and drink all of the coffee and try to stay awake;
when coming home, don't speed...slow down by the frozen lake! "
" One more thing, don't leave your cell phone in the locker! "


" Okay, sweetheart...I'll be fine and I'll drive safely. "
Then he hung up and continued the conversation with Lily...
the pretty bartender who stared at him and burst into laughter
saying, " Your wife believes you? Won't she check your pay stub after? "


Henry replied, " No, she won't!" Then laughing remarked," She's too trustworthy...
not suspecting I am cheating on her, she's not the jealous type as you are Lily. "


Details | I do not know? | |

The Fires OF Hell

The fires of hell start to burn my skin
I never knew I had committed such a sin
My skin is leaking all over the bed
The arrows of 20 thousand Indians pierce my head
I’m burning up I can’t take anymore
I try to escape but I just hit the floor.

A river of ice rushes over me
I’m frozen and shaking why can’t he see?
I need some quilts I need to keep warm
I think the chattering of my teeth will do them some harm

I am lucid again, things are looking quite good
The elephants knitting some booties out of wood
The cowboys’ and Indians they fight back to back
I know I’m getting better, I know they can’t win like that.

The fires of hell sweep over me again
My throat burns like I’ve swallowed a topless fountain pen.
My husband looks at me and he declares with concern
I’m fetching the doctor so we can learn.

The doctor he calls I know what’s wrong with you
It’s a microscopic bug and we call it the flu
Stay in bed till the Indians have all left the closet
Till the booties are made and you know that they fit

Your temperature will fall don’t worry it will
But stay where you are or you will be ill
I’m ill now I said patting the bed
Just sit beside me you can massage my head.

When you are lucid and well we will have a chat
And your husband will explain what was wrong with that.
He laughed and patted my head like a child
The elephants dropped a stitch and It’s making me wild.

The lap top is laughing at me on top of the bed
The river of ice is rushing from my feet to my head
I think I will leave my writing till later
The heron is now fighting with the pet alligator.


Details | I do not know? | |

Did You Know Love Was In An Accident

Did you know, Love was in an accident?

What! When? Where? Wow!  My, my. Tell me it’s a lie.
Can we pause for a moment of silence, focusing on love? Hold on there, love not gone. It’s real, but love wasn’t killed.

When did it happen? It was yesterday evening, I’m believing. It happen, when love was leaving. Everything seem peaceful, it was a lovely day, so they say.

Where was love? In a quite restaurant enjoying a delicious meal. And in came the unreal.  Love was taken by surprise; no one thought love would survive.

Wow!  All were speechless, love seem so powerless. As if someone had stolen all the joy. I am telling you what I know, but I suppose there is more.

I had warned love to be very careful. Always check out your company.  Don’t be in a hurry; look in all directions before proceeding, and definitely no speeding.

Poor love.  Made an illegal turn, and ran head on into trouble. Had a concussion and saw double. Forgot the basic rules of the game; avoid some situations, its okay to be ashame.

I believe love will learn to yield the right of way, on the next given day. It really didn’t have to be this way.

Innocent bystanders saw what happen to love. They said a few kind words while looking above. Someone dialed 1-800-Broken-Heart. It didn’t take long, the crew arrived and love was still alive.

Love is in therapy and recovering from love-gitis. They said it could have been worst; thank God there was no Funeral Hurst.

Sometimes our hearts get the best of us, especially in tender moments, warm occasions and special situations.

Thank you love, live long and always remember, sometimes things go wrong.
Have A Lovely Day…
Dr. “G”


Details | Free verse | |

The saga of the dusty road

The Saga of dusty roads of Utah 
(To the memory of Don W. Esplin, father of Kathryn Esplin-Oleski)
= =
There he was playing with some mild explosives, 
in his own backyard, a resolute boy he is; 
the June month had swelled like the taut belly of 
a neighborhood lady; the boy wanted to be 
a scientist which he became. He, of course could not 
envision that all these sepia dust of Utah, 
the noon backyard and a young scientist’s narrative 
would be remembered by his explosive daughter 
and a strange Indian was going to pen a saga. 

Alfred Nobel was smiling from a page of a book 

The boy rolled a cigarette, the smoke’s curlicues 
swirl up to grain the picture. A blast almost choked
the bright blue jays and robins. Defused sun slanted.
The end of the road was just an end of the road 
where sun could meet earth, warm grass shook off the heat 
and the covert window of the farm house would yield 
a father and son talk. Strong argument on
future, on an university, on money 
on a world that could differ in generations;
of course the boy, as a father, understood 
his girl, then living apart. But distance is in heart.
He would grow up midst dreams. A quirky wind would blow him 
here and there; navy, marriage and science, 
pharmacology and marriage again; a gust
of wind would take him on a ride that, if he could 
read this he would have said, resembled his truck rides 
down the roads of Utah. But at that point of time
he was wide awake inside his misty night’s sleep 
and an American novel is shooting up 
its multiple heads in search of fresh oxygen. 
The waves of moon were enjoying a full tide.

=© 2009 - All Rights Reserved Kushal Poddar


Details | Verse | |

Love SickLove

My lover really makes me sick!
I swear this is no mean trick
to get you to read anther line,
take more of your valuable time.

But my love really makes me shout
All these tiny little spots come out
My body heaves and rolls about
once again those spots come out.
Over arms, legs and body too...
I’m in despair, what can I do?

'LEAVE HIM!!' Is that what I heard you say?
Real life’s never quite that way
If it were really quite so simple
Your nose wouldn’t have that ENORMOUS Pimple!!




Details | Light Poetry | |

Soul Of A Stripper, Life Of A Housewife

The music thumps, the walls jump
She pole dances against the jamb
Dust rag in her right
Polish in her left hand

House is hers for a few hours
To fulfill a fantasy
Bump and grind it babe
The vacumn whiiiirrrs away

Shake that booty, strut that stuff
Transfer clothes in washer to dryer
Wearing faded blue jeans
Kick that leg up higher

Beds are made, bunnies dusted
She cat walks looking demure
Practises a sultry pout
Wiping spots from the mirror

Work the shoulders, drop to a deep squat
Then stick the tush up in the air
Family is due home very soon
Straighten her clothing with care

Greet the kids with hugs, husband with kisses
Getting  dinner to the table
While news plays in the background
Her life is happy, solid and stable

Dishes washed, kids off to sleep
Taking my husband by the hand
This housewife leads him to our room
Where her stripper soul takes command



Details | Rhyme | |

Homemade Dressing

When eating leftover dressing
That was a good main course for lunch
Only compliment  receiving
You could patent this honeybunch

He forgot potato salad
Left it out of his extra praise
What Rocky did say nots valid
For he was in a state of craze


Details | Senryu | |

In The Dog House

The Dog House
Caught, he lied to her;
His ebullient smile said all,
On the couch he sleeps.


Details | Rhyme | |

It's all your fault

I want to talk,
Talk it through,
Talk about me,
And talk about you.

Lately it's been hard,
All of your work,
And around the kids,
You're such a jerk.

Well it's not my fault,
You're the one who chose,
A bakers dozen,
Of kids, yes those.

How can i know,
The future Shane,
You haven't been,
Through the blood and the pain.

Hey, I've been working hard,
To keep our home,
We're nearly bankrupt,
And you know that dome,

That you bought for our dog,
I mean come on honey,
I work and i work,
But you spend all the money.

I don't care for this rubbish,
I care not for you,
Get out of my house,
And i'm keeping Lulu!


Details | Limerick | |

State Fair

There once was a woman named Shar,
Who went to her local State Fair,
Her husband came too,
Can't say no to you,
And they were quickly thrown out of there


Details | Rhyme | |

THIS OLD FLAME



1.	Children are both taskmasters and tiny chaperones,
2.	Colin, honey, we need more time alone,
3.	The moon makes its promises while I slowly burn,
4.	Every night shift, I’m left to toss and turn
5.	beside the phone.

6.	Kisses and caresses will be our sultry reviver,
7.	Rekindle this old flame, stoke again our fire,
8.	Let the games begin so thin sheets scorch and churn,
9.	Outwit, Outlast, Outplay, this Survivor.

10.	Make your patriot sing, oh! Oh, Canada! Oh! Oh! Yes! Oh!
11.	Don’t go so slow, and yo, my man, take it way down below,
12.	But spend some time above,
13.	Cause by now you know, I’m a slave to love,
14.	My lips also have, contain, something I'd like to show.

15.	I yearn, you desire, I crave, you require,
16.	So, here’s a switch to my hot wire,
17.	I’m tired but happy to oblige, my eyes will plead encore,
18.	We’re running on empty, but when push comes to shove, 
19.	After all these years, you still moan that I fit like a glove,
20.	Now longs to be ravished … slowly and evermore.




Notes:
21---  made it erotic. ;-) What the hey? 



Details | Light Poetry | |

THE GHOST OF BILL ZISON

A Penn Valley phantom appears to haunt and lurk
   premises at 1148 Greentree Lane
his youngest daughter (Abby) I pledged my troth and, natch won my Zison’s 
Dunkirk
  ire and vindictiveness akin to rivalry of Abel versus Cain
now breeds and festers hallucinations that make me go berserk
 also brings to mind myth of another named King Canute, a Great Dane
whose battle cry and hymn of the Republic made manifest with ease of dirk
  visitations with ethereal sprite pushes me to madness and makes me go 
insane
torture treatment mangles mental management amidst mire and murk!

The rattle of chains heard despite noiseless apparition and wraith, which curse 
and bain 
from dark and sinister shadows make me feel like a jerk
at such fallacious belief in preternatural imaginative creations ranked as inane
by this skeptic whose vulnerable acuteness to otherworldly visages does perk
especially during wee hours of morning when superstition runs amuck and 
seems to gain
upper hand and let spiral out of rational control thought of afterlife quirk 
yet confession must be made that long dead father of wife does wag finger of 
disdain
and utter silent disapproval and near ruination by marrying a bum of a guy who 
lacks for work!



Details | Couplet | |

In My Perfect World...

I wake up happy everyday,
Always have something nice to say;

Live on a ranch with horses galore,
And always have room for just one more;

I can go riding whenever I want,
The theme of my life is “Nonchalant”;

I never have to worry about being late,
Life is about me, everything else can wait;

My house is always clean, maybe magically so,
It leaves more time for snuggling with my beau;

And I don’t hate going to my work,
Cause my wonderful boss is never a jerk;

I go home happy at the end of the day,
Always have time to laugh and play;

I love just being my husband’s wife,
Man this sure would be the life!


Details | Rhyme | |

Save a Lot West Virginia

I was sent to the store by my wife.
This was a part of my new life.
This little shopping trip for my wife,
Did not really cause me much strife,
If some new, then laughter would be rife.
Chocolate bars bought, to be cut with a knife.
Female items, I walked whistling like a fife.
Strangest trip to Save a Lot, I ever made in life.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Big Kids

If you break your leg don’t come running to me
I’ve told you before about climbing that tree
It isn’t a playground for you to have fun
Go out in the garden and play in the sun
Or get on your bike and head out for a ride
Take it down to the beach but watch out for the tide
There’s always the park you could play on the swings
Go fishing or something there’s oodles of things
Now get down at once, I won’t tell you again
You’re ever so naughty, you’re being a pain
Please do as you’re told and stop being a bore
Well! I really don’t know what I married you for


Details | Burlesque | |

Comfort, Southern Style

Below the Mason-Dixon line,
Where that is I am unsure...
There is one damn good
Southern tradition,
That I bet you know of...
I'm sure it does still endure...

Simple as Southern Comfort,
And cream soda...
My God, it is so smooth....
Goes down like a city whore,
Like my cousin, Twice removed...

You'll fly, you'll fly,
You won't know why,
And couldn't care
much less....
You'll even laugh
at hubby dear,
That jerk that's such a mess!

So, mix it up,
And knock it down,
Your day can
but improve....
And maybe if you're
really lucky,
Your husband,
the trash-man will
remove.

for u-know-who.


Details | Free verse | |

Men of a Certain Age

A little gray on the sides

A little hanging over the line

Still all in all a catch

For somebody passing by

The theory of one’s sex appeal

Disappearing over time

Just a myth and not theory

Just like a fine wine

 

With age there comes true beauty

Other ideas shot to hell

For men of a certain age 

Can carry it very well

So, okay some parts may stiffen

While there are others that do not

Gives no right to toss aside

Giving up the game they’ve got

 

With each year that draws us closer

To the day of final breath

Brings a great advantage 

An experience you won’t forget

Bringing all the knowledge 

To the table presented there

You’ll find a man with great respect

All others will fail to compare

 

So remember when you’re out there

Looking for a great romance

You can find it with a man 

Who has lived the world and danced

With age indeed comes knowledge

And experience, mark my word

Combine these two together

Can really rock your world


Details | Ottava rima | |

THE SNOWY CLIFFS WITH BOUFFANT BOULDERS

Even before the arrival of the first snows, so brilliantly candid, 
we climbed mounts less dangerous than the Alps's;
and we proudly chalked it up to our experience.
Now the snowy cliffs with bouffant boulders,
have lost their captious and so beatific image,
and quite too often we got pinched by burdock,
distracted by the robins chattering on a coarse descent;
I champed on crisp strawberries, while he challenged his strength.   



My buddy never castigated me for my bizarre behavior,
and I admired him for displaying  humor without repulsion, 
or retort, and with chisel and hammer we engraved faces of historic men
on the smoothest rocks which were replete with their handsomeness.
Those adventurous afternoons are repealed when we look up,
and recreate them through our Male Chauvinism, cheery not dumb;
we felt like cave men making rudimentary drawings of their hunted animals,
while their women picked wild chicory for an early dinner. 



Chums we were, resembling cowboys with wide hats in a chiaroscuro,
drinking in a bar filled with fashionable ladies frolicking and saying hello;
and chili con carne we ate, and plenty of beers to wash it down.
After our money was all squandered, our pockets were empty and we felt alone,
dazed...wobbling with fear, afraid to face our witless wives at home;
we were two idiots wooing empathy and some undeserving love.    
And didn't they seem two witches ready for vengeance in their frown,
trying to squeeze the truth out of our silent and pretentious mouths too fulsome?



Frost will bring winter soon, and the snowy cliffs with bouffant boulders will be covered,
our hair have turned almost white to match the bright color of the deep snows,
as this river is freezing up, to become a sheet of ice, where no boats or barges pass;
and we play chess, the intramural game of a confined life, without those clandestine affairs.
Our darlings approve with sweet intonation, intensifying their affection so amorous;
and we embrace them with that tenderness that they have long desired...
staring at the snowy cliffs with bouffant boulders that these two climbers made their own,
remembering the cold and the shivering...coming down to a valley of comfort and domain.


Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | Rhyme | |

Lovella Gets Her Way

Lovella Gets Her Way

By Elton Camp

In the bathroom, Lovella angrily did frown
Her husband hadn’t left the toilet seat down

“I’d think you’d have more care than this.
Why don’t you lower the lid after you piss?”

Hubby responded, “There’s no reason I can see
Why you shouldn’t leave the seat up for me.”

“That just because you think that it’s fun
When I splash into the bowl of the john.”

“Then why don’t you look before you sit?”
That wouldn’t hurt you even a little bit.”

No logical answer could Lovella make
So ‘twas action to get her way she did take

Lovella firmly chained the seat to the floor
So that it could then be left up, nevermore

The next time after her husband had pissed
Lovella found that the bowl he had missed

But she again failed to look before she sat
But found it was wet immediately after that

She quickly took bolt cutters to the chain
She preferred that up the seat should remain


Details | Free verse | |

MoonBee's Madrigal

Oh... Oh... Come Into The Moon Light …
        And Dance With Me Tonight
I’ve Pink Champagne, Lit FirePlace Flame 
        And The Stars Are Twinkling Bright
I’ve Put On Your Favorite Dinner and Rose Dress
        For Your Delight
Ooooh, Come Into The Moon Light …
        And Dance With Me Tonight

Heeeey, Honey, What Happened To The Lights?
        You Paid The Bill … Alright?
Bring Me A Beer and That Remote Here
        The Cowboys Play Tonight !
Why’s The Table Set… We Got Guests?
         Is That Dress A Little Tight? ……
              * *///// # # ////\\
I Don’t Know Sam… She Just Picked A Fight !
Hauled-Off and Hit Me… With All… Her… MoonBee…  M i g h t  !


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Gravitational Pull

Stone upon the water front/
Next to the cashmere pillow,
The pier near the gallow shore/
A man began to speak,

Within this land there shall be no way out accept I tax,
This gravitational pull may bring some down,
Yet if you stay and listen very carefully/
You will live through this time and be very happy !

Many of you have become lazy in the manner of laws,
A decree will be summoned to let us know/
The waiting may be hard to comprehend,
Yet within time you can grow to depend/

The fat of the land,
Let this man take you by the hand/
There can be no further excuses or escape,
The way will depend upon the hearer's !


Details | Rhyme | |

Running Nekkid Again

Just give me one good reason why I should go with you,
running round the yard nekkid, like we use to do.
Don't you recall the repercussions the last time we did that?
There's places on me I don't want sunburned, that is a fact.
Why, everyone in this small town knows who we are.
You never know when someone will drive by in their car.
I do believe the neighbor uses a telescope.
Into other peoples homes, her nose she likes to poke.
Now don't you go laughing at me as I turn beet red,
as you pull the shirt off over your head
I'm trying to talk some common sense into you.
I must admit that I am enjoying the view.
I can do this by myself, I don't need any help.
I'm not stalling for time. Oh! A breeze I just felt.
All right then, here we stand in our birthday suits.
Well, almost, you do look cute in them cowboy boots.
O.K. off we'll run together, when you count to three.
Take my hand, I can't believe I'm doing this..................1,2,3,WHEEEEEEEE!





Details | Senryu | |

Ying Yang

(Ying Yang)
Stagnant was his life;
Her capricious habits grew,
His ying was her yang


Details | Limerick | |

Looks Are Pert Nigh Everything

An old childhood chum named Red Booker,
Fell in love and was married to quite a looker.
She caused men to stare,
But old Red didn't care,
Because everywhere she went, he took her.


Details | I do not know? | |

Princess

The Princess in her tower tall
With oaken door and granite wall
Sat sobbing at the window high
“Will someone save me” she did sigh
“Fear not young maid,“ a voice did shout
“For I am here, to get you out;
I have a cunning plan, so sly
To free you from your tower high
I’ll dress as does a man who’s poor
Then knock upon the outer door
And when the guard doth then unlock
I’ll beat his head in with this rock”
“Kind Prince” she said from up above
“You’re someone, I could truly love
But your attempt will be in vain
To rescue me you’ll need a crane
Although your planning may seem sound
I weigh three hundred and twenty pounds” 
The prince then pondered hard and long
And wondered where he’d gone so wrong
He yearned to be a Royal hubby
But not to one who’s quite so chubby.


 © John W Fenn   03-12-2008


Details | Prose Poetry | |

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Oh, was it really possible that we’d ever pen, or 
is it necessary to debate our in-sensitivities, 
the ups and downs of life, being sandwiched between
our likes and dislikes of a certain form in writing?

To a degree, of versifying, we have the so-called 
“To each his own” ability
and power to attract the readers of the mind,
to fully enjoy us, in our chosen form. 

Some would profess they dislike haiku
...’cos of its shortness and simplicity
and most likely, many would prefer free verse,
than to listen to the enchanted soul of rhyme

...’Cos of its un-metered style and absolute freedom;  
yet I, the handsome I (ahem!) do love, not prefer 
the beholder of my beauty, my beautiful wife (ahem!)---
a thousand times over, and greater than those few.

Ahh, the exquisite beauty of poetry, 
the subtle meaning half hidden 
in ones’ lines, and totally not seen in its form
but most certainly, lies in the eye of the reader.


Details | Quatrain | |

Fight

I've got the headphones in my ears, but nothing's playing. 
I've got you on my mind, but you're not here.
I've got you in my heart, but I can't feel you.
You're always right there, but yet, you're never near.

Our song is playing, but I can't hear the music. 
I'm just waiting for you to walk through that door.
I said, well shouted, some things I didn't mean.
We argued, but you've always come back home before.

Now, I'm curled up in your t-shirt on the big chair.
Now, my stubborn nature has kicked into gear.
Now, I don't really want to see your face.
Now, when you come home, I hope you feel fear.

I hope your heart starts racing as fast as your thoughts.
I hope you're nervous because you may have ran that red light.
You always love to make me mad, because you think I'm cute angry.
Then again, you're always afraid to lose me when we fight.

Your headlights flicker on the wall across from me.
Despite myself, I'm not angry anymore.
In fact, my heart won't stop racing, and I actually have butterflies.
All of this in anticipation of you walking through the door.

I keep my hardened, stubborn composure.
Until I see you come in with your tail between your legs and your puppy face.
One look and all of my stubborn attitude fades,
And I can't even remember why we were fighting in the first place.


Details | I do not know? | |

Jealousy

He stood upon the parapet
Tittering on the ledge
Giggling to himself 
And shuffling closer to the edge

For seven storeys down below
His wife and lover stood
He knew what they were up to
And it surely wasn’t good

Chuckling to himself, and 
Moving slowly to the verge
The anger burning deeply, and
It fired a deadly urge

Laughing like a loony
Leaping headlong from his roost
Madly flapping arms to give 
His fall an added boost

“Your smiling now you rotten cow
You won’t find this so funny
I’d rather die than let you try
To get hold of my money”

Half way down toward the ground
His progress slowly halted
That crazy grin turned awful thin
He thought his plan was thwarted

His braces caught the flag pole
And it hindered his descent
He hovered for a moment
And then flying up he went

Bouncing up and bouncing down
Till finally it stopped
He smiled a rueful smile, and then
His trouser buttons popped

Continuing his journey
As he hurtled earthward bound
His wife and lover sidestepped
And he crashed into the ground

Laughing like a drain he seemed
To find it awfully funny
Though nearly dead he turned and said
“I really missed you honey”


Details | Epigram | |

eliot-PROMISES

What tune do politicians excrete
Upon their plank to please?
                                    Manana !
What response do husbands bleat
From a chair,at ease ?
                                    Manana !


Details | Light Poetry | |

Ode To Women

I cant figure out why women are such a puzzeling sex to men.
I think its like the three letter word, we say when, and you say how long
has it been?

I especially love it when they say " oh I'm not high maintenance" and 
I need to get this and that done as we scratch our heads and say is it me
or is she the only one.

When we go out we pick any old thing we have on hand, and women say
"Oh I have to get something new" and it probably cost more than our wedding
bands.

We guys go and spend ten bucks on a haircut and a shave, but when you go its 
an all day affair and cost so much I have to ask for a raise.

So men we are left to ponder and sworn to never concede,
but I find its easier not to argue and just give them what they need.


Details | Light Poetry | |

THE GHOST OF BILL ZISON

A Penn Valley phantom appears to haunt and lurk
   premises at 1148 Greentree Lane
his youngest daughter (Abby) I pledged my troth and, natch won my Zison’s 
Dunkirk
  ire and vindictiveness akin to rivalry of Abel versus Cain
now breeds and festers hallucinations that make me go berserk
 also brings to mind myth of another named King Canute, a Great Dane
whose battle cry and hymn of the Republic made manifest with ease of dirk
  visitations with ethereal sprite pushes me to madness and makes me go 
insane
torture treatment mangles mental management amidst mire and murk!

The rattle of chains heard despite noiseless apparition and wraith, which curse 
and bain 
from dark and sinister shadows make me feel like a jerk
at such fallacious belief in preternatural imaginative creations ranked as inane
by this skeptic whose vulnerable acuteness to otherworldly visages does perk
especially during wee hours of morning when superstition runs amuck and 
seems to gain
upper hand and let spiral out of rational control thought of afterlife quirk 
yet confession must be made that long dead father of wife does wag finger of 
disdain
and utter silent disapproval and near ruination by marrying a bum of a guy who 
lacks for work!



Details | ABC | |

I'm sorta me

I love 80's music
and talk radio AM
I can't sleep
I keep being the person I was, I am
I just keep being me
Sometimes it doesn't really work out
I sorta wonder why don't I change
And then I just  don't  care
But that's me
the forty something chick with a nose stud
and a husband 
who wonders the same thing


Details | Lyric | |

we started out kinda

we started out kinda real young
baby i know i was a fool,
now ive grown up
all of the things we use to do
do you remember
i wanna be your man,
aint tryna be ya friend (be ya friend)

so tell me do you like it
drop, top, mercedes benz
top up ,cause your hair be (blowin thru da wind)
wheels spinning, hair did( blingin ring) ya dig

she pull up at the club lookin like, millions,
billions, watching you from a distance
all the fellas be watching you like a vision
ya sexy thighs,sexy hip, sexy midsect
looking real good,make a reggin wanna hit that,
forget that, i think im ready for commitment
so are you ready for submission

"oh"

n-e-ways, i know you with him for a short change
but you and me together forever,
will never change
when i was younger all i thought  about was spitting game
never caring about your feeling was to remain,
the same, im sorry i cause you all this pain ( i promise you)
i fill them all with brighter days
(and hopefully) i just get a chance to say, that
(i love you) and i hope that you feel da same way 

Hmmm....


we started out kinda real young
baby i know i was a fool
now ive grown up
all of the things we use to do
do you remember
i wanna be ya man
aint tryna be ya friend, be ya friend

i aint tryna be ya friend...
girl i only wanna be ya man
so baby want you let me in...
and i promise it will never end
repeat2x


Details | Ballad | |

Freddy The Fly Takes a Bride

Freddy the Fly,
Now back from the moon,
Noticed on his calendar,
That it was now June...

The wedding month,
thought our dear Freddy,
But a fly has a short life,
So then, before I'm dead,
I gotta' find a fly-wife!!

So Freddy flew
all abouts the world
Searching for,
the perfect fly-girl

Finally he was rewarded,
When Nicole Fly he did meet,
He got so excited,
He stepped on her fly-feet

But the attraction seemed mutual,
Like a fly to horse manure,
But when they did converse,
They both were very sure,

Freddy proposed his 
fly matrimonial hope,
Nicole said yes, let's
go elope....

But a wise Freddy the fly,
Did look her in the eye,
He knew she'd someday
regret,
Such a simple way to beget,

So he told her of his plan,
For the biggest fly-wedding
in all the land,

The solemn day came real quick,
A Sunday wedding, they did pick
And as it did unfold,
This story I was told,
He'd waited for her hand to hold,
To place on her fly-hand the ring gold,

Dressed in his little fly-tux,
Fly guests tried to hold their yucks,
And Nicole, in her fly gown,
Flew about, then up, then down,

To land on the fly-alter,
Not for a fly minute did she falter,
Said, "Yes, Fly Priest, I do!!...
And if's all the same to you.....
Would you get off my fly wedding cake,
It took so long for the fly-baker to make"

And Freddy's anxious to leave at once,
On a fly honeymoon, for sure,
But, alas, I almost forgot-
No "moon" in the honeymoon- no more!

For Freddy had eatten the romantic moon,
It tasted like sh_t, and it did ruin,
The moonlight for kissing was there no more,
So to fly-sleep they went,
and soon began to fly-snore.....

Now a Freddy Fly's snore is an event to behold,
At least as a fly-story, we've been told
Nicole , she couldn't sleep
As Freddy fly-snored deep,
She flew off and let the fly groom,
Wake up next fly-day to fly-gloom!


Details | Free verse | |

Building Obsessed

BUILDING OBSESSED
 
How your hand caressed a building,
like it was your shapely lover.
 
How wet tears in your eyes collected 
and dropped like raindrops
at the demise of the Twin Towers,
not for the people inside but for
the noble structures themselves.
 
When we looked at your developed
pictures together almost all of them
would be of buildings, hardly any had
people in them at all.
 
Morning, noon and night
that's all you had on your mind
and in your sight was buildings.
 
You were obsessed!


Details | Senryu | |

Night Buzz

Night Buzz
Loquacious wife snores,
His mind’s reprieve, time to rest;
Silent time to think.


Details | Light Poetry | |

' Your Adam's Apple ... '

    Your Adam’s Apple, Let Me Kiss
When You Swallow, I Just Can’t Resist
  Let Me Pluck It Softly, With My Lips
And With My Tongue, Get One, Quick Lick

      To Savor The Sweetness
           Of Our Difference
          Taste These Urges
        To Your Manly Surges

         My Womanly Ramble
           Desires To Sample
          The Unique Example
   Of Fresh Shaved Adam’s Apple

                   Yummy !


Details | I do not know? | |

Watching Tv

You want to go out on your own for a beer
Catch up with a friend you’ve not seen for a year
Hear all the news about who’s doing what
How much they earn, and the things they have got
But your wife says now honey, stay home with me?
So you sit and stagnate as you watch the TV

The big games tomorrow you’ve tickets for two
You ask her to go, but there’s so much to do
The fence it needs painting, there’s stuff to repair
The car and the mower the tread on the stair
When the chores are all done and you’ve time that is free
You sit down, and you watch, the big game, on TV

Its spring time its warm and how the sap rises
Your looking for love but there’ll be few surprises
She knows what you mean when you say time for bed
And will promptly announce she’s got pains in the head
So you fix up a sandwich, a nice cup of tea
Then sit there and fester and watch the TV

Let’s go to the lake we can hire a canoe
“I’m sorry I can’t I’ve got ironing to do”
We can take a nice picnic and go to the coast
“There’s no time for that, not with chicken to roast
So go off and do what you do when your free
Just leave me alone, go and watch the TV


Details | I do not know? | |

George Bush has a tiny wiener

(This is a fictional poem)

My cousin discovered something embarrassing about George Bush when they 
were in the men's room together.
He lied when he told Bush that he'd keep it a secret forever.
The President has a wiener that is incredibly small.
He has to use a magnifying glass when he urinates because he can't see it at all.
His wiener is so small that it makes a tootsie roll look like a broomstick.
Bush is upset because all of America knows about his tiny ####.
Now that his secret is out, his wife is getting a divorce.
My two inch wiener used to embarrass me but compared to Bush, I'm hung like a 
horse.


Details | Light Poetry | |

BackRoads-Ride Roundup

Honey, Let’s go on Calhoun Road
Its Saturday… Let’s Unload
Drive up to the Cul-De-Sac…
Stop the Truck… and Let’s Jump on Back
With the Radio on – Up- High…
The Bluebirds, will Wave – Bye-Bye
Yeah, Let’s Go Truck… on a Back-Roads-Ride Roundup !

Honk – Uncle Henry… Out His House !
Tell Him… ‘Get Up Off That 40-Ounce
Look at Him Trying to Make Us Hush…
Let His Neighbors Know… He Knows Us!
… We’re His High-Rolling Relatives…
(though He Uses Other Adjectives…)
Oh, Let’s Go Truck… on a Back-Roads-Ride Roundup !

You Know, What We Come Here For
Picnic and Party and Lay Outdoors
Got Money, Snacks and a Whole Lotta’ Gas
Let’s Head ‘em off Honey, at Our Underpass
My Baby’s Got 4-Wheel Drive
I’m gon’ sit back and Enjoy The Ride…
(Leave the Liquor and Let’s Stay Alive)  On a Back-Roads-Ride Roundup !

As Our Ranger Rode into the Sunset There
… Saw a Bronco Stampeding, Making Dusty Air
And Silverado, was Coming Up Fast
Oh no!... Little Mustang Slipped Right Past
And Uncle Henry’s Ram Looked Tuff ! …
On Our Back-Roads-Ride Roundup !

Back-Roads-Ride Roundup…

(I Posted This One For You John (Moses) Freeman.. 
(You lil' Ol' Trucker You - - - Enjoy)

MoonBee


Details | Couplet | |

Golden years

  Archaic are we still my dear...
we feel the same from year 
to year.
We never change a thing inside,
It's just the skin and hair and hide
that sag and fall and turn to gray,
the best of me will always stay
so in love with you old man.
Though maybe you don't understand
your hearing aid is set so low,
and do you have to walk so slow?
I have to get back home by ten
my medication's due by then
Where are those prunes
we bought tonight?
I have to eat them to feel right.

Shut your trap right now old Bat!
I set my hearing aid like that
So I don't hear a thing you say.

I know ...........I love you anyway.


Details | Rhyme | |

Down The Road of Life

As I was slowly walking,
down the road of life,
I spied  away in front of me
a bent old man and his wife.
Their steps were even slower,
than I who walked behind,
and they seemed to stop quite often,
but no one seemed to mind.
Now as I gradually gained on them,
something seemed familiar to me,
for that bent old man and lady,
looked a lot like you and me.
They seemed to be talking loudly,
as I was catching up to them.
some sort of argument went on,
that seemed to have no end.
And as I listen closely,
my ears did strain to hear,
just what that old man was saying,
to his wife of many a year.
It didn't take too long to hear,
what was all the to do,
for it was the same familiar words,
that I had, had with you.


Details | I do not know? | |

Biggest mouth in the south

(This is a fictional poem)

My mother-in-law has the biggest mouth in the south.
She keeps talking and she won't shut her mouth.
My remote control can mute my TV, I wish it could mute her as well.
Living in the same house with her is like living in hell.
She has the temper of a bull and the face of a sow.
She eats all of our food and she's as big as a cow.
She criticizes me everyday and that's not fair.
Every time she takes a seat, she breaks the chair.
Yesterday I shaved my head because the ##### gave me lice.
I'll give you anything if you can get hr to leave, you just name the price.


Details | I do not know? | |

Ex-producer

(This is a fictional poem)

I was a rich Hollywood producer but now I'm broke.
My last film ruined my career and that's no joke.
I didn't know that my movie would flop.
My wife left me because there was no money for her to shop.
It's embarrassing to go from being a millionaire to being in the unemployment 
line?
I just got a new job, does anybody need their shoes shined?


Details | Rhyme | |

OKAY GUYS !

Okay Guys, let's do our thing,
The game is almost on,
So get some beer and chips or nuts,
And chairs to sit upon.

Okay Guys, let's buy some tools, 
So we can look like handy men.
Hammer, Wrench, and Pliers too,
We'll surely use them again and again.

Okay Guys, let's fix that shelf,
So the pictures won't tumble down.
It will only take a few minutes,
Then our sorrows we can drown.

Okay Guys, let's go out on a date,
We can see a movie or a show.
We'll ask the girls to join us,
And hope they won't say "NO".

Okay Guys, let's watch TV,
With the clicker in our hand.
It's the only time we have control,
When we feel in FULL COMMAND!

Okay Guys, the Girls still love us,
At least that's what they say...
So let's just enjoy this moment in time,
THEY get the rest of the day!


Details | Free verse | |

An old familiar

An old familiar,
all too clear;
as you roll on your back
and new tempo appears.

Repeated chug 
of train runs through;
no nightmare is this
for it’s all from you.

Constant your whistle,
your engine is stoked;
as I try to disturb you
you snort, gag and choke.

Rolled over you're peaceful,
all is quite in our home;
the train in the distance,
'Till on rear you do roam.

I love you dear dearly
as I lay by your side,
and I’m drifting to sleep now
with sun, sand and tide.


Details | Lyric | |

swirve on

if you got tha nerve
to getcha dance on
report to tha flo
and getcha lean on
from the left to the right
getcha swirve on
getcha swirve on
getcha swirve on

if you got the nerve
to getcha dance on
report to tha flo
and getcha swirve on
from the left to the right
getcha lean on
getcha lean on
getcha lean on

Im on the flo
I get my swirve on
everybody in the club
getcha lean on
from the left to the right
getcha dance on
if you got the nerve
move ya feet and bring it on

getcha swirve on
getcha getcha
swirve on
getcha swirve on
getcha getcha
swirve on
repeat2x:

move ya body on the flo
and get busy
keep movin ya feet
and get dizzy
straight butta
when i glide across the room
I swirve on
aint nuthin this smooth

getcha swirve on
getcha getcha
swirve on
getcha swirve on
getcha getcha
swirve on
repeat2x:

swirvin impala
bass is bangin
on 22s' while my rims keep turning
i hit the blocks
while my car keep swirvin
i swirve on
everybody lookin


Details | Rhyme | |

BB's Rattle

BB's really rattle in the shell
Of a container,loose like bell
Clapper, hanging free to ding
Ideas rattle in poet's brain to ring

The audience, and awake from sleep
Oh! Into a new dimension of deep
Thoughts, understanding of heights above
The ordinary, into a new realm of love  (truth)


(Thank you Lord for your blesssings on me.)


Details | Lyric | |

piss poor of a man

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend

i dont see
why you cant get it right
you come in-late at night
we start to-fuss and fight
youre not actin right

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend

im the kind -
who speaks her mind
boy you wasting my time
i think you should leave
cuz you keep hurting me

plz dont testify
dont wanna here no lies
you can not change my mind
you wasting your time

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend
repeat2x:

i guess you cant 
get it right
you will never
get it right
all i asked of you
was to treat me right

breakdown:
you slept around
"back then"
you even slept
"with my friend"
youre trifflin
"to the end"
you and me
"never again"

you never payed a bill
never asked how i feel
you never payed attention
never take time to listen

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend

you think
you got it like that
when in fact it's not like that
you need to step on back
listen to all these facts

you a sorry piss poor of a man
you been around the block
you even slept with my friend
"friend"
repeat2x:


Details | I do not know? | |

Those damn pigs feet

(This is a fictional poem)

All I want is something good to eat.
But all you ever serve are pigs feet.
I can't stand how they taste.
You'd better get them out of my face.
Those damn pigs feet gave me the gout.
If you serve them again, I'll throw you out.
You served them yesterday and you got very mad.
They made me sick and I puked on your mom and dad.
Your parents swore never to come to our house again.
I'm free of your pigs feet and your parents so I guess I win.


Details | I do not know? | |

Grits

Miscalculated the opened door
Spilled those grits on the floor
Well some went on the cabinet top
Some went here and there and flop

These grits were uncooked see
Gritty and runny milky indeed
They went under the coffee keeper
All over the clean coffee steeper

When they finished running around
I thought that they was kin to one who bounds
Like a stud, a casanova everywhere
I didn't make a sound really I didn't make a sound

I could have but I bit my tongue
I held up the shield to my thoughts
I held them captive until my husband
Came  in the room and I told him
Do not drop any water on the floor


Details | I do not know? | |

No strings attached

In my mind I see you. 
Your handsome bronze body. 
Your eyes reflect your honesty. 
I want to hold you near me. 
No strings attached. 

In my dreams I see you. 
Your stong arms outstretched. 
Your long fingers reaching out. 
I want to lie with you. 

In my eyes I see you, 
your face so handsome. 
Your looking at me. 
I want to kiss your lips. 
No strings attached. 

The dreams are now gone, 
and I'm left with the one. 
whose eyes now need 
jam jar glasses, 
to gaze at the lasses. 

Reality at last. 
that body went fast, 
as all travelled South, 
through him stuffing his mouth. 
with enough to feed an army. 

The arms crack and grate, 
as I patiently wait, 
whilst he finds his specks. 
to give me goodnight pecks. 
Before he creaks into bed. 

The snores he emits, 
have frightened the kids 
and keep our neighbours awake, 
till I give him a shake. 
Then he starts again within minutes. 

What a difference takes place. 
It's a bloomin disgrace. 
when I have to compete with Viagra. 
But inspite of all that 
I wont change him, for my dream man. 
Cause now those Strings are attached!


Details | Rhyme | |

Lord of the Drunken Banter

they say he's lord of the drunken banter
that girl who sings there's whom he's after
he boasts and brags he can bag any broad 
who strays into this smoky pub by the road

he roars, "hey, waiter, don't you block  my view
   she smiles  and sings exclusively for me
      same songs of love that always sound so new
         she's really hooked on me as you can see

"so, waiter, step aside and stay away
    just wish you were that guitar on her lap
      or be the that mike upon her lips, but hey,
         that's only in your groggiest dream, poor chap

"now here she comes, just watch your macho man
   she'll surely sit here close to me, you'll see
      hello, sweet babe, you got some sexy plan?
         these dudes right here won't mind, they'll let us be."

she smiles and stands beside the banter lord
and says to clear things up, just for the record
she wants them all to meet the man of her life
and he's this waiter here, and she's his wife !



Details | Light Poetry | |

Does my bum look big in this

“Does my bum look big in this”
Now, be careful what you say
Just a single wrong word 
Could spoil a lovely day

“No, my dear it’s lovely
Your looking pretty trim
I don’t know how you do it
You always look so slim”

I think I got away with it
That’s put her at her ease, 
She’s looking in the mirror now
Don’t look too closely, please!

Too late, she’s checking out her rear
Her bottom she’ll inspect
And if she isn’t happy 
I’ll get it in the neck

“I like this dress, I’ll take it”
“Thank god” for that, I say
Now that shopping’s over
It’ll be a smashing day

© John W Fenn  08-01-2009


Details | I do not know? | |

Making love to nine wives

(This is a fictional poem)

After making love to nine wives, I really do get tired.
I didn't have the energy to get out of bed in the morning so I got fired.
I have nine times more sex than any normal man does.
Two days ago someone turned me in and I was arrested by the fuzz.
I've had so much sex that my wiener is covered with blisters.
When my newest wife learned that I was going to jail, it really pissed her.
Making love twenty times a day can cause frustration.
I don't mind being locked up, I need the vacation.


Details | I do not know? | |

Five star restaurant

(This is a fictional poem)

My arms, legs and ribs have been broken and I'm wearing a neck collar.
It happened when I went to a five star restaurant and was charged three hundred 
dollars.
All my wife and I had were a couple of steaks.
When i told the owner that I didn't have enough money, a lot of bones started to 
break.
He dumped a pot of linguini and clams over my head and then jabbed me in the 
nuts with a fork.
He burned my hands on his stove and I started crying like a little dork.
He started beating me and he wouldn't quit.
He beat me so hard that it made me ####.
You may be laughing at me, you may think it's funny.
But you won't find it so amusing if you ever go to that restaurant without enough 
money.


Details | Lyric | |

L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E
   by Amy Swanson (c) May, 1998

(dedicated to every woman who's ever had one of these!)


Hey now Mr. Satin Sheets, you think you're so fine...
   wouldn't give you the time of day, here's the reason why:

You're a womanizer, pulverizer, think you're so sly,
   but let me tell you something honey - your heart is like ice.

You try so hard to hide, but it's easy to see,
   there's one little word you need to learn... it's L-O-V-E.


Now I don't care how sweet you talk, but honey it's your walk
   that would make me come around, and give you my heart,

but lately, what I'm seein' just ain't lookin' too good...
   it's evident to me, that your soul is like wood.

You think you've got my number, but you still need the dime;
   gotta know for certain boy, you'll never be mine.

You try so hard to hide, but it's easy to see,
   there's one little word you need to learn... it's L-O-V-E.


Now, I'll admit, you had me in circles for a little while, 
      and all it took, was just one look, and a sweet... smile.
          But, baby, I've been down this road before;
               I took the scenic route... but I'm not taking it anymore!

So baby...

     take your velvet talk and groovy lines too....
            I ain't playin' anymore, cause it ain't cool.

Said you'd give me the world, all I got was a lie - 
    You gotta know, there's just some things that money don't buy.

I was looking for love, but instead I found you
    It's my opinion honey, you don't have a clue.

You try so hard to hide, but it's easy to see,
    there's one little word you need to learn... it's L-O-V-E.

Yeah, you'll be cryin' baby, that's easy to see
    til you learn about that little word, L-O-V-E.

go on back to school, learn a few things
                                   don't come back to me.


Details | I do not know? | |

Beauty And

Fitting together like a well worn leather glove to one's hand
The curve of her face fit him perfectly
Snuggling closely each day not by chance but by plan
Theirs was not a happenstance romance

She was fair, round, and smooth
Him... well old, gray, and hairy
Tough and just a little bit gruff
How could this beauty link up with this old goat


Details | I do not know? | |

Human generator

(This is a fictional poem)

I was struck by lightning and now my body is electrified.
My body has tons of electricity inside.
I can power things just like a generator.
My wife is making me power all of her appliances and I really hate her.
She has her blender plugged into my nose and the oven plugged into my ###.
I cause a power surge whenever I pass gas.
She has the refrigerator and the toaster plugged into my ears.
Someone please help me, I can no longer stand it here.
This is very demeaning but she doesn't care how I feel.
I have to live in misery just so she won't have to pay an electric bill.


Details | Free verse | |

Menu of the Day


This is where I start, the beginning of a 
poem. Gee, the faceless memories are
blanketing the beach! The sweet sweat 
of anise seeds wets dried olden throats

matching with precious emerald stones 
and feta of the gods, dressed in earth’s  
natural, colorful skin to satisfy a hunger

where I watched this fairest of them all 
trudging through the sand dunes. O, her 
foot-prints, left un-touched! I wanted to
 
measure her smile, but my commander 
has taken the order of my day to other 
station. There, I imitated Steven Segal’s 
expertise chopping veggies, for a soup.   


Details | Free verse | |

The circus

The circus
The circus came to town and a man was at his window he began to frown not 
wanting to turn now from  his window not wanting wife to be a widow WHAT 
WHAT WHAT extraordinary animals he began to form his plan to make the wife 
and his best man departed from their company
THE ZOO THE ZOO THE ZOO he cried AHA AHA AHA he sighed
He phoned in haste his phone in hand he ran he ran he ran to town to find his 
man and widow there
The tommy gun is in the trunk of the elephant he gleefully erected his own stuff 
and once his plan came fruiting forth he planned his own demise of course
His worthwhile pride begin the speech to screech to screech to screech
Impediments of leaking gas of argon gone from holders hand
My woman and my best man turn on hours of my loneliness
Phone call one is to my ex she never guesses just who this is
She has so many bows and suits she has splendid shoes
Phone call two is tommy boy my best friend lies
He lays in justice on my life he lays in naked tresses near my wife
OH trounce the elephant with glee
Oh shoot the tommy snout at thee
My tommy boy is dead from lead coming from my shooting gun
My lady wife is fresher than the tommy gun leaded breaded death
Eye missed her.





Details | Fibonacci | |

Oops, Not Yet, My Dear! (Fibonacci)

it
is 
quarter
to midnight
we lay ourselves, on
the bed, her breath demands, willing… 
to intertwine, while my naughty right foot tickles hers 

the touch of a lonely bourgeois, searching under the 
silk sheet of love, with a hope, not 
only mine, but her 
own silent 
gasping
is 
at

par 
as
my own
wanting grows
and now, night-clubbers 
bowing their commitment, homage 
to lovers of midnight glory; a total silence 

as they pass thru dim-lit corridor, ‘cos we, they know
are surely amongst the many
too excited, in 
exploring 
what’s life
has
for

us
in
serene
night, but then
the clock strikes midnight
awakens the fragility
of the moon---begging to be in-between, till morn comes



Details | Rhyme | |

Amnesia (Mixed Rhyme)

Love, you know I yelled at this lady;
Not that I envied her slim body,
But ‘cos she claimed, you as her buddy;
She asked me if your name is Teddy;
Her son said: please, return my daddy.

So, I ask you: Is there something I should know?
Just be honest, and I’ll not start a fight;
Gee, I’ve no idea of this lady you saw; 
Have not you guarded the bird very tight!? 

Then, why was she looking for you? 
All I ask myself is why;
She’s cold stare; as I passed by,
She said, you and her, is this true? 

Oh please, stop it, honey! It’s just in your mind, 
Those silly things that I never even thought; 
Thou my heart is such a rhymer, still, I’m thine; 
And you really think, by her, I will be caught?

Maybe, she’s not in her good head;
But, her son looks like you, she said; 
Enough, here you go again; 
You know, your nagging makes me sick! 
Outraged, she hit him with a stick;
He laughed at her, with disdain.

Insulted by his deeds, she pushed…and pushed him;
And he fell, banging his head against a beam;
This caused him to see dancing stars in a gleam.

Shook his head….and walks to the door,
Leaving her, sobbing, on the floor.

Love, where are you going? She asked.
He looked back and said with voice, hushed. 

I’m going to my wife and son.
She screamed: No, no…you are my man!

You? Never met, my name’s Teddy.

And, you are not my slim lady.


Details | I do not know? | |

She cut off my wiener

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife cut off my wiener while I was sleeping.
When I woke up, I started weeping.
I begged her to give it back so I could have it sewn back on.
I nearly died when she said it was gone.
She doused it in gasoline and burned it with a lighter.
I wasn't going to take this because I'm a fighter.
I invited her outside to have a fight.
I thought I'd win easily but she punched out my lights.
Every time I'd get up, she'd knock me back down.
It was embarrassing because she only weighs eighty pounds.
She cut off my wiener because she thought I was cheating.
I got my ### kicked when she gave me that beating.
She felt terrible when she learned that I hadn't cheated at all.
She cut off my #### and now all I have down there are my balls.
If you're a man, I have something to say to you.
Don't marry a wife like mine or you might lose your wiener too.


Details | Free verse | |

Page 69

Honey, let’s take a trip
….to the bed, away 
From the lights and sound of home cinema;
And there, I’ll read you, with passion
This rare book I chanced upon
at a local bookstore, when I was 
Looking for Apollinaire.

This book is about Kama Sutra
And it speaks about love,
With vivid illustrations of each techniques; 
It says, it’ll teach us how to be patient… 
On exploring ourselves;
And interestingly, without the dire need 
Of taking…you know…the viagra.

This book will consume us,
Approximately, forty five minutes or less;
It has 70 pages that will, surely, soak 
The dryness of our life.

Ok my dear, just don’t start on page 69!


Details | Free verse | |

Defenestrated

That is how a love story goes,
people professing eternal fealty,
invoking the Almighty's guidance,
just cannot live without the other one.

But when

     bills start to pile up,
     mortgage is a baggage,
     his head begins to shine,
     she smiles like a little baby,
     he cannot get it up anymore,
     she is often not in the mood,
     he snores every night like thunder,
     her feet's scent is like gunpowder,
     his breath smells just like a sewer,
     her underarms stink like a skunk's,
     he demands coffee and she prefers tea,
     he collects Dvorak and she digs Bacharach,
     he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle instead of bottom,
     she scatters her dirty underwear all over the bathroom floor…
  
ah, that is when love or what remains of it
becomes so wonderful that it is cast aside
and it is time to call the firemen and police,
maybe the bishop or the local parish priest
or better still, run to the nearest county judge.

Love...defenestrated !!!


Details | Couplet | |

Don't Kiss A Wish Goodbye

To us, what is a kiss?
If, it’s done with a twist

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

Is it your way of saying goodbye?
Maybe, you need a break for a while

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

Do you want to end this way?
The sacred vow we disobey

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

Which one is wrong, yours or mine?
Then, let’s make a kiss to find the lime

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

Why don’t we wish a gentle kiss? 
A real kiss made of a gentle wish

A pretentious kiss
A pretentious wish

A kiss is a symbol of you and me
Once we both deeply wished to be

So, bye-bye to pretentious kiss
And, no more pretentious wish







Details | I do not know? | |

My wife is a vegetarian

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife is a vegetarian and she's making me be one too.
I crave meat so much that I ate a leather shoe.
Last week my wife got mad when I bought a Big Mac.
She gave it to her german shepherd and he nearly bit my hand off when I tried to 
get it back.
I'm unhappy because vegetables and fruits are all I've had to eat.
I'd kiss an old hog just to get a little meat.


Details | Free verse | |

Freddy the Fly, As The Time Goes By

Poooor Freddy....deserted
by his bride,
Felt so damn hopeless,
All you'd ever see,
Was just how much he cried

So Freddy went,
to a fly psychologist,
Hoping that it meant,
He wouldn't cut his fly-wrist,

But Dr. Sigmund Fly,
Heard his tale, as he did cry,
He asked Poooor Freddy why,
He wanted so to die...

Freddy spoke his truth,
An ache in his fly-tooth
Made him cry so bad,
Not the fly-bride he'd had,

Dr. Sigmund Fly,
Looked Freddy
in his thousand part fly-eye,
Said he couldn't lie,
There was a chance he'd die.....

Now this news stunned Freddy,
His world so surely shook,
He bade the Dr. Fly,
Goodbye,
and his leave he took....

He went to the Roach Motel,
Thinking to die is just as well,
But for Poooor Freddy Fly did there find,
He was not the right insect kind.....

Last anyone saw of Freddy,
He was getting himself ready,
To fly to Mexico,
To some Mexican Fly that he did know....

So, when you swat a fly,
I beg you please try,
to identify the fly
And if a sombrero he wears,
Let pooooor Freddy go!


Details | I do not know? | |

What women want

(This is a fictional poem)

Every woman who sees me wants my body.
Their husbands kicked my ___ so I had to learn karate.
Now when jealous husbands attack me, they get hurt.
I wish God hadn't made me too sexy for my shirt.


Details | I do not know? | |

I hate snowmen

(This is a fictional poem

I put a magic hat on my snowman and he came to life.
But then he had sex with my wife.
He had coal for eyes, a carrot for a nose and two arms that were made out of 
sticks.
Then my wife gave him a sausage for a ####.
My snowman and my wife fell in love and they wanted to be together.
But they needed to get to the North Pole because we were going to have warm  
weather.
At first misery was what I felt.
But we got warm weather sooner than expected and I enjoyed seeing him melt.


Details | Free verse | |

The Noonday Orator

In a Sunday wintry air
The pigeons, the sparrows 
And the mocking birds 

Without array 
Congregated themselves 
Outside the family house
 
Listening, intently 
To the noonday oration 
Of Her Majesty, the Queen

Whilst I, I quickly picked
The various colors and shapes 
Of myself, my dignity

Shortly thereafter
She, fumingly, dropped them off
Through the guiltless window     


Details | Free verse | |

Blue Chickens

" Just try to Walk quietly.
You have to be real sneaky
to surprise blue Chickens.
Leave the old truck
Parked at the bar and always
carry a little garlic for bait.
Blue Chickens don't eat Just anything.
They aren't easy to catch"
you told me with a sleepy smile.
Almost as hard to catch
as pink elephants I thought
to myself as I covered you
with a soft blanket.
Your tequila snores
echoing through out the room.
Blue Chickens indeed
I muttered, reaching for my coffee..
Maybe I can figure out a way
to write your Blue Chickens into a poem!


Details | I do not know? | |

Socks

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife got mad and nearly caved my head in with a rock.
She got mad because all I bought her for Christmas was a pair of socks.
She used all of her money to buy me a big screen television.
Being a cheapskate turned out to be a really bad decision.
That was a gift that she really hated.
She grabbed a knife and now I'm castrated.
Now I get laughed at by lots of men.
I bought my wife socks but never again.


Details | I do not know? | |

Brute

(This is a fictional poem)

He's mean to everyone especially to his wife.
Other people hate him but she doesn't see that he's a low life.
His wife still loves him even though he cheated on her and burned her brand 
new car.
He beat up her dad and she's still with him, that's bizarre.
One night while she was sleeping, he shaved her head bald.
She actually thought she looked better without hair when any other woman 
would've been appalled.
He told her that she looks like a cow and smells like a pig.
When they go out in public, he embarrasses her by pulling off her wig.
Her husband just keeps getting meaner and meaner.
When he sees people, he always gives them the finger.
He just stepped out onto the street and was killed by a bus.
It may be a tragedy to his wife but it's a blessing to the rest of us.


Details | Quatrain | |

Good, Now Gone Bad

Behind the door, I know she’s there
She’s waiting silently and ever still
But, I can hear her breathing hard
To not open the door, takes some will

I am weak and I want her bad
She’s my desire, my heart she robbed
So I will enter, yes, I will
Damn door’s locked, I can’t turn the knob

Oh damn, she’s up, the moment’s lost
She had to come and turn the key
Then I entered with yet high hopes
But she assured, there’s none for me

So I then sulked and left the room
Sat in the dark with just my gloom


Details | I do not know? | |

Married more times than Elizabeth Taylor

(This is a fictional poem)

A couple of my wives left because of the way they were treated.
But most of them left because I cheated.
My last wife left because I have the mouth of a sailor.
I've been married more times than Elizabeth Taylor.
Is adultery really grounds for a divorce?
When I ask my therapist, he says of course.
I've been married eighteen times and I'm only thirty-six.
When I get married, my wives usually leave pretty damn quick.
When it comes to a certain part of my anatomy, I'm not well-endowed.
That doesn't help and neither does having the face of a sow.


Details | I do not know? | |

Married with children

(This is a fictional poem)

Compared to me Al Bundy lives like a king.
I made a big mistake when I gave my wife her engagement ring.
She's given birth six times and each time she had twins.
I'd rather have my wiener cut off than to become a dad again.
My wife weighs five hundred pounds and the groceries cost five hundred dollars 
a week.
I dread the future because it's bound to get more bleak.
Four of my kids are thugs and three of them are nerds.
One of them drinks out of the toilet and today he swallowed a turd.
My house hasn't been cleaned in five years and it smells just like a sewer.
I'm upset because my wife is horny and wants me to do her.
If you want to improve my life, I'll tell you how.
Get a gun and put me out of my misery now.


Details | I do not know? | |

I lost a thousand bucks

(This is a fictional poem)

I lost a thousand bucks when I bet on a horse.
My wife was so mad that she got a divorce.
She's usually a lady who has a lot of class.
But before she left, she shoved a red hot fireplace poker up my ___.


Details | I do not know? | |

68E

(This is a fictional poem)

She has 68E breasts and she loves to exercise.
She does jumping jacks everyday and she gets black eyes.
Her parents think her husband is hitting her so they beat the crap out of him.
They keep seeing her with black eyes so they beat him up again and again.
He doesn't deserve the beatings he receives.
Today he told his wife to stop exercising or to get her breasts reduced or he'll 
leave.


Details | I do not know? | |

Peek-a-boob

(This is a fictional poem. I'm really not married.)

My wife wound up with a crop of rotting vegetables that really stunk.
She had trouble unloading them because they smelled worse than a skunk.
Some people would get mad and throw the vegetables in her face.
They smelled so bad that it made her puke all over the place.
She took off her top one day because of the sweltering heat.
Lots of men came and bought every vegetable she had just to get a peek.


Details | I do not know? | |

I am man, hear me roar!

(This is a fictional poem)

I am man, hear me roar!
After having sex fifteen times last night, my wiener sure is sore.
My wife wants lots of sex and she likes it rough.
We do it over and over, she can't get enough.

She never gets tired, it's too much for my poor little penis to take.
We've done it over ten thousand times, I wish she'd give me a break.
I am man, hear me roar!
I wish my wife would leave, I can't take anymore.


Details | Lyric | |

kiss my wowsers

chauvinistic piglet
you and your niglets
can try it for free, 
my butt cheeks,
you can kiss it
im not finish
no thats not it
ima let them know
you aint about shhh
44 years of age
and still dont have shhh
get yo life together
before i call you mr it
lick between my cracks
and swollow my shhh 


Details | I do not know? | |

Bumble Bee

(This is a fictional poem)

My damn wife did something awful to me.
She gave me a sandwich that contained a bumble bee.
When I took a bite, I got the shock of my life.
It was then that I realized that I have a _____ for a wife.
She did this just because I slept with her sister.
For some reason it really pissed her.
She somehow thinks that what I did was wrong.
If she gets mad about adultery, how will she handle a real problem when it 
comes along?
She thinks I'm a jerk just because I don't feel remorse.
Can you believe that her mother actually suggested a divorce?


Details | I do not know? | |

36D

(This is a fictional poem. I'm not really married.)

My wife never wears a bra.
She lost her top and her 36D breasts was what my neighbor saw.
As he looked, he was in awe.
He took a picture and I broke his jaw.


Details | Free verse | |

Gal Friday

Some quizative soul,
Wanted to know about that phrase...
Simple enough...
Nothing to leave you a'daze...

See, Friday in the office...
Is the end of the week...
So you gotta make sure...
That your secret don't leak...
Like her calling you at home...
Creating quite a stir...
Your wife now demanding...
If there's something going on,
with her...
So on Friday you tend...
To treat your girl Friday
extra good....
Say the right words...
Doing all that you could....
To keep her sated all
weekend...
You don't want her to become...
Another Mother Hen...
So if you're a wife,
And Hubby dresses
His best each Friday...
Just take the big hint...
And here's what to say....

"You dirty @^^q$$+(!g&...
That seems quite succinct,
And let him know for sure...
You're in power,,
The pens inked...
He'd better show up
on Monday...
With candy, flowers,
and a big raise...
Or you'll bop him one good,
And leave him adaze!!


Details | I do not know? | |

Late again

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife is late again, what am I going to do?
If she's pregnant, this will make child number twenty-two.
I should've had a vasectomy or she should've had her tubes tied.
We couldn't stop making love no matter how hard we've tried.
I love my children and when they say they love me, it makes my heart melt.
But I can't keep going through this, does anybody know where I can buy my wife a 
chastity belt?


Details | Narrative | |

Baby Got Rap

Late one night I went for a walk,
my husband and I, just had a fight,
really convinced, it was all his fault.

Out on the track, I was huffing around,
looking real weird in my night gown,
talking to myself, walking round, and round.

Two policemen were passing by,
I tried to explain the gown and all,
but on that radio, they made that call.

We have your wife, and she is going in,
you can sign her bond, and she can go then,
I knew that man was wearing a grin.

Downtown we went, with me in the back,
I screamed real loud, I left my purse at the track,
so they turned around, and took me back.

Finally we arrived at the station door,
I never had been in there before,
they put me in a cell with someone who snored.

Finally, my husband came to get me out,
I tried to tell him how it all came about,
but he just laughed, saying out loud, baby got a rap.

Not funny to me, but I'm glad he came,
those two police, thought I was insane,
but I did it to myself, I had no one to blame.

Now, I never go out by myself,
that night downtown, um, bad memories it left,
we laugh about it now, but then, miserable I felt.

The moral of my story is,
stay home.




Details | I do not know? | |

I slept with my brother's wife

(This is a fictional poem)

I slept with my brother's wife and now he's getting a divorce.
He used me for a punching bag and I began to feel remorse.
I couldn't resist his wife when I saw her wearing that tight sweater.
My brother broke most of my bones and it took me months to get better.
When I told my brother that his wife is easy, he had a fit.
But you know she has to be easy because I weigh 600 pounds and I'm a man 
who has great big tits.
When I pinched a nurse's ###, her husband beat me up too and my body sure 
did ache.
If I ever have to fight another woman's husband, I'm going to make sure that he's 
someone I can take.