I have a friend by the name of Tim,
He keeps in shape when frequents the gym.
His Kelly green Mustang he drove
And smack'd it into a cove.
The witches got him and ate one of his limbs!
In the middle of the night,
When the moon shines bright,
A creature stirs with a terrible bite,
And his name is Spoonfang.
This vampire with a spoony face,
Has developed quite the taste,
For creatures of the pudding race,
Has the greedy Spoonfang.
So when the stars through dark clouds peek,
Into the kitchen he will creep,
And a tasty snack he’ll sneak,
Will the crafty Spoonfang.
Mousse and trifle, cake of cheese,
Ice-cream left in the deep freeze,
He’s had a bite of each of these,
Has the naughty Spoonfang.
But tonight he’s set his eyes,
Not on mother’s tasty pies,
But on Gran’s birthday surprise,
A gateau all for Spoonfang.
And so he creeps along the floor,
Tip-toes to the kitchen door,
But someone else is there before,
The bold and daring Spoonfang.
Count Spatula! The greatest Pudding Vampire of them all!
Both the vampires get a fright,
Their screams echo through the night,
And someone switches on the light,
On Spatula and Spoonfang.
Mother tuts and shakes her head,
Sends son and father back to bed,
Neither vampire has been fed,
Not Spatula nor Spoonfang.
Maybe there’s a little Pudding vampire in all of us!
You say things that are really mean
I say that I'm still pretty lean
You say I'm fat and that's unfounded
I say I'm not fat, just well rounded
You say my big waist makes me look like a clown
I say that's not my waist, my chest fell down
You say I should be able to touch my toes with ease
I say you're right, if they were on my knees
You say my socks don't match, I should be more discreet
I say it's not my fault, I can't see my feet
You say I'm too heavy for my height, that's what you state
I say you're wrong, I'm just too short for my weight
You say I should weigh one eighty, no more
I say I'm five ten, I should be six four
You say next Halloween I should dress up as a mouse
I say I'll wear a window and go there as a house
You say I should get more exercise and try to shed a pound
I say that when I sit around, I really sit around
You say at the theatre you were embarrassed and didn't know what to do
I say it was because you sat in seat number three while I sat in one and two
You say I thought you were watching your weight
I say I am, I'm watching it inflate
You say being with me doesn't seem the same anymore
I say I'm still the same, just a whole lot more
You say you'd call if I were thinner
I say just don't call me late for dinner
You say we should work out at the gym down the street
I say we should get up and go out to eat.
Please note! A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Sister, sister sitting there so sweet
Looking so virtuous, acting discreet.
Any male would eagerly bow at your feet
You have no idea of your allure, you're without conceit
Are you offering up a trick or a treat?
Only then will this Halloween finally be complete
Ready your answers to God when you do meet
For nuns of your stature are becoming obsolete!
For my girlfriend who dressed up as a sexy nun.
There once was a witch whose pies
Were unique as to flavor and size.
When she opened her ovens
She delighted her covens,
With dozens of old crusty guys.
Looks at me
Try to flee
Trick or treat...
I bought all the candy for Halloween night,
Into the cupboard, it sat in plain sight
When later I looked, I just about flipped!
I saw empty wrappings, the bags were all ripped!
The treats were all missing,...so back to the store
I bought several bags, at least three or four.
Now back in my kitchen, I climbed on a chair
To hide them up high on a shelf that was bare...
Behind an old crock pot that he'd never use...
But would you believe, he discovered my ruse?!!!
The big night arrived and much to my grief
The candy had been eaten by that darn sweet toothed thief!!!!
The door bell was ringing, trick-or-treaters had come
I ducked out the back door, and fast did I run!!
Right back to the store, I flew like a witch...
The clerks heard me cursing, like a grouchy old b - - - -!
The store had no candy, sold out every piece
No Big Hunks, no Snickers, no Hersheys or Reese
I bought bags of apples.... gave them out in disgrace
Every kid on the block had disgust on his face
The next Halloween, I'm not buying ahead
I'm a last minute shopper for the candy, instead..
And to all you folks, who buy treats in advance
My advice to you all, is don't take such a chance!
Something else you should learn, from this frustrating tale...,
Next time you buy candy, attach some loud bells!!
------------ P.S.... (A Moral to the story, for an evening so gory)....
He was licking his chops, while he had his sweet binge
But goblins were watching, ........and took their revenge....
That Halloween scrooge...Mr. Thief in the Night
He chipped his back molar, as he took that last bite!!
Submitted for "Funny Spooks" contest
Sponsored by Carol Brown
I’m a talkin’ bout them trick-er-treeters last night!
Dang kids cum up on tha porch –
Cum by the bus-loads
Up on tha dang porch!
“Trick er treet!”
Them dang squealee little voices!
Don’t trust none on ‘em
While maw’s a passin’ out nuts ‘n apples ‘n candee ‘n
I’m ridin’ shotgun a sittin’ on tha porch swing
I’m talkin’ bout a genyouwine 12 gage babee!
Oh it’s not a couple extree candees i’m wurreed bout
It’s them dang Jones twins
Honriest kids ever
An ya caint tell ‘em with the masks ‘n all
Weel tha brats knowed some better ‘n ta come
beggin’ on our porch last night
but this mawrnin whin I waked up look out tha winder
At first I thunk it snowed durin’ tha night
Twas a charmin sight
Bout fifty rolls
I got out my pipe and stuffed it with pot,
You better believe, it held a whole lot.
I whipped out a lighter and thumbed up a flame,
Then sucked down that smoke which comforts my brain.
I tried alcohol; and smoked cigarettes,
Though, they did nothing, but give me regrets.
My mom had arthritis and couldn't walk around.
When I rolled her a joint, she danced on the ground.
I thought I was losing my lovemaking knack,
But, after I smoked some, to me it came back.
Soon I decided prices were too high,
So I searched for some ground I wouldn't have to buy.
I bargained for seeds from smokers all around,
Then, got in my truck and drove out of town.
I walked through the woods where the wild birds nest,
And found me the meadow I thought was the best.
I dug up the ground and sowed all my seeds;
Then said a small prayer for strong, healthy weeds.
I watered at night with a five-gallon pail;
The mosquitoes went hungry for I wore a veil.
Eight months went by; I thought I would die,
'Till the Halloween moon was high in the sky.
One night I went out, in my camouflage suit,
And used a corn knife to chop down the loot.
I hung it up to dry where it couldn't be found.
Then came back and got it, when it had turned brown.
I trimmed off the buds, and stuffed them in bags,
Called all my friends and passed out free drags.
In less then a week, my crop was gone!
But, I flew to St. Thomas with love-hungry blond.
Always on October 31st!
Costume hunting makes me feel cursed.
No costume fit my chest size.
Still that night I won a prize.
HUM~ may be 'Elf' shirt was about to burst.
( not for my contest.)
I'm not exactly very big
The little man in my family
This summer I will be 197 years
I have a sister who is 199 years
She is a bit sour and grumpy
My mother is of course the world's best
she is 248 years and still likes to dance
The boss of the house .... my father at 252 years
is an expert on telling ghost stories
We have celebrated many birthdays, Christmas,
Easter, weddings and summer holidays
There is one day a year that we like most
and then it becomes real party: Halloween
Do not be frightened if I come to your door
it's only once a year we get ..... Candy
Trick or treat
A-L Andresen :)
Copyright © All Rights Reserved
LISTEN, LISTEN! I have BIG NEWS
Dr Suess has a store just full of SHOES..
A GAZILLION shoes I'm sure there must be
Line them all up, bet they'd stretch to the sea!
Small shoes and tall shoes and some with spots
He even has one covered with pink polka dots..
...... Lots of Dots....
Round shoes and square shoes and OH MY
Even lots of cool shoes you don't have to tie
A snake came in cause he was going to school
And wearing shoes at school is a VERY strict rule..
Now where could a snake wear a shoe you ask?
Well he wore the darn thing like a Halloween mask..
You can buy just one pair if your feeling thrifty
But poor old centipede - he had to buy fifty
He first bought 25 pair that were bright yellow
Then 25 orange,now he's quite a colorful fellow
A kangaroo complained that his feet were sore
So extremely sore he could barely hop any more
We fixed him up with a spring loaded pair
Now he can happily hop from here to there
So if a GRANDUFULOUS sight your longing to see
Dr Sues is waiting at the corner of 7th and G
With shoes for the young and shoes for the old
HURRY, HURRY, before the purple ones are sold..
One day at a haunted house....
You'll never guess what I saw!!!
Well, it was a great big ghost...
Coming out of the wall!
The ghost just stared at me...
So I gawked at it too..
And I thought..."It just couldn't be?!!"
Until that sucker said BOO-O-O!!
After it said BOO! to me!
I ran all the way up the stairs!
And guess what else...."I did see!"
Ghosts nearly everywhere!!
Then at me a came a flying!!
They kept on yelling BOO!!
I almost felt like crying...
Until I yelled my BOO-O-O-O-O!!!!
After I yelled my BOO!!!!
You should've seen them run!
Now let me tell you!
I've never had so much fun!!
So then I left that old haunted house...
And went walking down the street..
When up to me came a little mouse...
And the mouse said..."Trick or Treat!"
So I asked the mouse.."What's with this Trick or Treat?"
"Just what the heck do ya mean?"
And the mouse said...."Give me something to eat!"
"Don't ya know sucker it's Halloween!!"
As the slaving sun sets on a tiring day,
the moon arrives and shines the clouded darkness away,
little brats--i mean kids--run out to the streets,
yelling and screaming as they run amok through the town,
smiles on their faces; only when their delicious
sweets are taken away, do they frown,
doorbell to doorbell they go,
tossing candy around to and fro,
the hour draws near the time of the wicked witch,
Okay children, run along home, out of the darkness,
out of every cemetery, out of every ditch,
no one wants to be the victim of the evil, and wicked witch.
on this All Hallows Eve,
she calls from her grave,
wanting to live forever, and find her immortal mister,
but she fails every time,
because she can't ever get rid of her annoying,
blond-haired, dimwitted sister.
It was a dark and moonless night. The lights were out. The TV low.
My hubby and I were relaxed, cuddled close, as the TV set the room aglow.
The telly had a “Flying Saucer Abduction”, with popcorn, we watched the scene unfold.
Suddenly the dogs perked up, began to bark, then ran in circles to and fro.
Confusion, and worries abounded, as we quieted them with a gentle no.
Then checking the door, we listened to see what would make them act just so.
Slowly, from out of nowhere, we heard a hum, building louder and wildly free.
A fluid vibration was moving around us and through the house, gaining on its spree.
Then as it began to travel thru both of us, a growing Fear came to be…
As it gripped us in the palm of its hand, I feared, surely… it was beckoning me!
We began to wonder what it could be: a transformer, the furnace, or an alien? Could be…
What on earth could be so strong, to cause the humming to hang in the air so free?
It seemed to be controlled by a mysterious hand, and this we were going to see.
Fear ran free, and we made the decree… to find it quickly… or quickly flee.
Was the furnace ready to explode? From the basement and hubby came the word, no!
We both ran outside in force. But the humming disappeared out there, of course. So…
We ran from the dark outside, to hear it again, clearly, where we abide within, it built.
Into the kitchen I quickly ran… But everything was quiet and still… again!
I ran the stairs toward to where my kids did abide, with my heart worried and chilled.
I determined to follow the hum to its end and save my children, that… I would fulfill.
What would we find? We didn’t know, or really want to know, ere our fear could unfold.
The kids were up stairs oblivious to this, as we ran from room to room, nothing to behold.
In my son’s room at the end of the hall, the noise became unbearably loud, as it flowed.
We searched every corner not sure what we’d find, electrical, mechanical, ready to blow?
His game and earplugs kept him oblivious and out of the know…
So we figured he wasn’t the culprit…for once purer than the driven snow.
The humming was growing louder with time… it seemed the roof was the end of the line.
But now our imaginations were in full bloom… A transformer, or alien? We were running out of time!
But somehow that didn’t seem right… we did know… so perhaps soon a fire to fight?
We were now determined… to evacuate everyone to safety, into the night…
Suddenly, we found the Nemesis laying in wait. It was in the bathroom singing to us.
And no, truly I’m not making this up. The bathroom was making us run amuck.
Dripping water was vibrating the pipes. The sound was traveling a resonance throughout the house. Yes… by plumbing… we’d been struck!
My hubby adjusted the float in the toilet you see…. And miraculously the noise simply ceased to be…
Finally we sat down with a sigh, looked at each other, and laughed, as we finished that show…
But what a night that had been! Never had a movie ever entertained us or moved us so…
Especially to such a foolish extreme! Yes, and to this I have to say…
Never before had a toilet… so thoroughly…Yanked our chain! … Happy Halloween!
By Mike and Carol Eastman… A real happening…
Example for Limerick Contest
Ghosts that coast, embody their trustful host
Leave no posts, they possess the host to roast
These disembodied souls
Are angry deranged ghouls
Bode snatching demons, one’s life they engross.
Halloween’s treat where they accomplish feat
Children sweet, want only candy to eat
May we all watch our children
Having no bewildering
Safeguarding thus our Halloweens so neat!
Hello! I’m beautiful and very sweet
Please gimme your candy snickers to eat
I am an angel’s sibling
I only want a nibbling
I only want a sweet, not ghoul’s mistreat!!
Force through a casket,
A body appears,
Or should I say,what's left,
Groans and moans,
Earth bursting all around,
Covering my ears,
Shutting out this horrible sound,
Raising from the ground,
In your chest,
Twice as fast your heart pound,
Searching for the living,
This Halloween night,
Better not be caught,
It won't be a wonderful sight....
Batcave Batmobile Pole
Zapping Banging Powing Action
Happy Halloween All
Batman And Robin
Adam West Burt Ward
Halloween was coming and the angels thought they'd have some fun,
Since they sometimes thought of dressing up before the Holy One.
They all got together and decided to do just that,
Dress up in devilish costumes...Surprise the Lord like some earthly college frat.
Each one was to make his costume from the ethereal
A very inexpensive and unusual type of material.
Then, when the Lord was looking down at earth
Don the costumes for some Heavenly mirth.
It'll be a costume party for us here in our Heavenly abode
Different from always wearing these white sophisticated robes.
We'll have a good laugh and God will understand
We're just having a laugh here in His Heavenly plan.
The moment came, all the costumes had been made
And when the Lord looked up, Heaven was a different shade.
"Something is amiss, here." , He said in the shades of that red hue
Perhaps I'll bring Satan here, to find out if this is something new.
It would be difficult to invite that guest into heaven you see
As he had been banished for all the eons of centuries.
But nothing is impossible for the Lord for He can do any feat
And just when he was to summon Satan, the Angels all shouted
"Trick or Treat"!
In late October the reddest moon didn't change its phase,
it remained in the same spot to watch the witches' ballet;
the loud music matched the mood of the mystical night: tambourines
and flutes frantically played; sneers, jeers, giggles of the ugliest witches
mixed with the goblins' roars while they danced around a huge, hot fire.
I smelled a foul odor, the wild dogs feasted on a bloody oar,
" Leave some for us, or we'll turn you into bats! "
the hunched witch snarled with menacing eyes,
but they roared and threatened her with sharp teeth,
then Olga began to speak Latin words to cast
a spell on them and before it worked, they fled.
Glad that they had left, she dragged the dead animal
and hung it on a long rod to roast on the sparking fire;
hungry witches continued to dance with forks and knives
in their hands, anxiously waiting for their Halloween treat.
Written by Andrew Crisci
for Russel Sivey's contest,
" The Ultimate Halloween Contest "
I was the youngest kid of eight
Halloween was never that great
Orange clown shoes were too big
An old purple horrendous witch's wig
My sisters tutu I that wouldn't use
My brothers cape smelled of doo doo
Superman pants that didn't latch
And that makeup covered eye patch
That Halloween I knocked on this door
The lady was laughing and kicked the floor
Her husband then came around to peek
Then laugh so hard his knees got weak
She said "Oh honey, let's give him the lot"
He agreed, only if I posed for a snapshot
She said "you stay right there, don't move"
I took off so fast, I lost my clown shoes
Give me a bucket, paint me green
let me go out on Halloween.
Hand me a light so I can see,
to scare someone other than me.
This is the night I waited for
just turn me loose and lock the door.
I plan to holler, stomp, and roar,
tonight won’t be a total bore.
Moon is ready to cast shadows,
this dreary eve of Allhallows.
My Friends are waiting in the dark,
hastily wait me to embark.
Screams will echo this darkest night,
the sound of terror and delight.
With moans and growls all around
that make an eerie, creepy sound.
Though I am senile let me be
I want to wail so set me free.
Remove my covers, let me out
allow me to run, scream, and shout.
Give me a bucket, paint me green
let me go out on Halloween.
Hand me a light so I can see,
to scare someone other than me.
Copyright © 2007 By Caryl S. Muzzey
Come at me Joker you will.
Got your eyes following me like steel.
A piece of me do you need.
Hell, take a few limbs off my tree.
Why did you leave that note on my wall??
Now I fear this echo-y call!
You left (ME) P.D. afraid of the dark.
"LOOK AT ME!"
I'm hiding under my covers, trembling at your weak bark.
I'm so scared,
I'm sleeping with one eye open~
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!"
I even sleep with the lights on.
sigh!" Sigh!" SIGH!"
I Can't let this go on.
A break in the wind,
Did you follow me again??
I hear this tune playing in my head.
LAUGHING and LAUGHING!
I panic with so many tears to shed!
Like a little girl, my hair I twirl.
Why is it me you dread??
This TUNE is making me shiver and quiver like a kid.
Your watching me slither back into bed.
This TUNE I fear!
The noise is growing NEAR.
NEARER and NEARER!
My face is turning white like the dead.
I keep pressing my hands against my ears.
This tune starts to thicken the flow in my veins.
You drive me INSANE.
I get the nerve to look under my bed.
What the FUDGE, is this doing under my bed??
Is this a jack in the box??
Joker are you FREAKING with my head??
A joke a laugh this DESTROYER has lied.
You don't got what it takes to make me hide.
Your trap fell into the pit of my abyss.
I've been waiting for you behind close doors.
We both hide behind a mask.
Your head falls upon my checkered board floor.
I am still P.D., and your masquerade is over my friend.
I've come to destroy the joke you left on my end.
A trick--A riddle--A joke--A game--
Lets call it your death sentence.
I already tagged your stone with my name.
The POET DESTROYER was here : )
And left her name on your headstone of shame.
**the JOKER - re-post**
from: the POET DESTROYER
to: the JOKER *from the poetry pub*
There once was a lady named Queen
That loved going out on Halloween
She’d give the kids a fright
That lasted more than a night
With ghostly looks and lips of green
It’s Halloween. . . Come rain or sleet,
I’m sure to hear small goblin feet
come clamoring up each porch stair
that leads them to my door, and there
they’ll hold up bags, call, “Trick or Treat!”
I used to find this night so sweet.
But what a nuisance now to greet
those kids and have to leave my lair!
When young, I’d stay out, wild and fleet
And smartly dressed, skip down each street.
But now, since I can hardly wear
cute little costumes. . . . it’s a BEAR
those kids who climb my steps will meet!
By Andrea Dietrich - 9/22/2012
For The Ultimate Halloween Contest Poetry Contest
of Russell Sivey
on halloween eve
apple bobbing with grandma......
false teeth on apple
smiling carved pumpkin
advertisement of toothpaste......
grandma's false teeth
Let me chase that naughty witch
on the flying, wooden broom...
causing havoc and gloom,
that's why she's super rich
robbing any unlit house watched by a raccoon
and laughing she bypasses the orange moon.
Ugly and treacherous witch, you won't admit
that you steal candies from children's bags without a rip,
but proof is on your rotten teeth yellowed by sweets...
doesn't their cry move you enough to return their treats?
Why would a witch on a flying, wooden broom
steal and hide goodies in the darkest castle room,
where the empty caskets of vampires lay?
Have you seen the blood stains earlier in the day?
Fly over pumpkin-lit graveyards while Death looks for skeletons
to hang on trees to celebrate the eerie Halloween night...
keep away from such an horrifying place infested with bats;
fly faster, fly higher before darkness becomes light!
Copyright ( c ) 2012 by Andrew Crisci
< amidst swollen moon
creatures of the night stalking .....
be ~ witching ~ hour
beastly mannerism gone
totally but .... wild
black cat crosses path
another seven years of ........
having such bad luck
culdron pot boils
hearts ~ gizzards ~ livers ... bat's hair
witches stilled brewing
Filled with dreadful scary fright
Creatures in the dark
Pumpkins carved and lit
Yellow glow casts eerie spells
Zombies walk tonight
Kids tempt dreadful fate
Spooky mask hides smiling face
***HALLOWEEN HAIKU*** Contest
Sponsored by: Linda-Marie The Sweetheart of P.S.
I wish I had headlice, so I'd get out of work for a day.
I wish I had headlice, to play hookey, I say
I wish I had headlice, I could trick-or-treat alone
I wish I had headlice, I'd get more loot per home!!
I wish I had headlice, I'd get the block to myself
I wish I had headlice, My candy, My wealth!!
I wish I had headlice, my candy stash would be SOOO BIG!!
But mostly, quite honestly, I wish I had headlice,
'Cause some jerk stole my EFFING WIG!!!!
*for the "Show me the Funny" contest!*