Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

God Funny Poems | Funny Poems About God

These God Funny poems are examples of Funny poems about God. These are the best examples of God Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

Details | Free verse | |

LOVE at FIRST SIGHT

Love was in the air when he laid eyes on her.
Childhood; elementary and even high school with her.
Walking towards her, he greeted her.
Anxiety spiraled as he hugged her.
Conversation grew deeper as he sat with her.
Wanting to get closer because he was falling for her.

Another woman called pausing the time he was having with her.
Knowing he had to answer; he stepped away and spoke to her.
She stated that something wasn't quite right with her.
She said that her stomach had been bothering her.
Now he's thinking back if he came inside her.
Thinking if she lied to him about her tubes being tied within her.

Does he blame himself for listening to her?
Knowing right from wrong and yet he can't blame her.
Does he blame the devil for allowing him to be intimate with her?
Is he not a human that makes mistakes just like her?
Begging God to make a way for him and her.
Asking God to forgive him for committing the sin with her.

God said, "relax my son, you were only dreaming of her."


Details | Couplet | |

Dadgumitrefereeism

Football coach Bobby Bowden was never one to cuss
But refs make mistakes and coaches have a right to fuss

“St. Bowden” as he was lovingly called by players
Instilled moral values and hushed all the naysayers

He’d not take God’s name in vain, so he coined dadgumit
It became his trademark, might appear in his obit

If a ref made a bad call, he’d race onto the field
Never said God d*** it, when the ref’s call he appealed

"Dadgumitrefereeism" got his point across
The refs would shy away because Bobby was the boss

Sometimes calls were overturned since Bobby was revered
Short and stout in stature, but the refs still shook in fear

The “Saint” played with God on his side and the refs knew it
Dadgumitrefereeism didn't bother God a bit


Details | Limerick | |

“O Worldly Concept god”

“O commercialized corporate franchise” 
Thou that holds illusions in selling lies
    Max out your credit cards
    Lenders be holder’s lords
Forfeiting all bank notes as owner cries

“O commercialized corporate franchise” 
My babies wonder about Christmas guys
    My babies’ futures be scared
    Must obey corporate lords
“O thou commercialized corporate lies”

Just commercialized greedy Xmas rush
Souls like zombies of  the corporate thrust 
    The X  of  the Christ
    O Love’s sacrifice
“In commercialized corporate we trust”

For Commercialized Humor contest
Sponsored by: Carolyn Devonshire


Details | Rhyme | |

Only God Could Love A Bumblebee

I think that I shall never see
A lovely poem written in defense of the bumblebee!
The ponderous and not so glamorous humble bee -
Obviously dreamed up by a senatorial sub committee!

An old stump that in summer becomes its deadly lair,
It flits about chasing little kids, settling in their hair!
It brandishes its fearsome stinger- its well-known bane,
And when stabbed in the fanny causes a heap o' pain!

It bumbles about with gossamer wings so delicately thin,
And upon its loutish face, notice that fiendish grin!
Such silly poems as this are composed only by fools like me,
But 'tis for certain that only God could love a bumblebee!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

With sincere apologies to one of my favorite poets, Joyce Kilmer,
for my parody of his beautiful poem "Trees"!


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Seventh Day

God took his time to make the world and we are truly blessed, 
He worked so hard for six long days but then He took His rest. 
A whole day off from His creation so what’s a deity to do? 
He slept late then got Himself some premium coffee to brew. 
Then He made himself some cinnamon buns and ate them on the deck, 
He wondered how things were back on Earth but resisted the urge to check. 
They’ll be fine for just one day. How much trouble could they find? 
I left them alone in a paradise and now it’s My turn to unwind. 
Then He remembered the serpent and the tree of wrong and right, 
And He began to worry that they’d never make it to the morning light. 
So He put on a robe and grabbed His keys and headed for the door, 
Then He stopped himself before He left and He paced across the floor. 
If He couldn’t trust them for even one day then what good would they be? 
So He decided to make a mutton sandwich and go and watch TV. 
But He couldn’t concentrate on the game and He was running out of chips, 
And taking a little walk in the garden would be much better for His hips. 
He went to check up on the kids in Eden and what do you suppose?
Sure enough He found the two of them running around in clothes.
They pointed fingers at each other and at the snake and at the tree,
And all the while He thought to Himself, they really do need Me.
That’s why God keeps Himself available no matter what the time or day,
So when we are in need of his strength we only have to pray.
Who knows? Maybe someday we’ll realize what there is at stake,
We’ll be able to take care of ourselves and then God can take a break.
But not yet.


Details | Rhyme | |

Snake's Legs

When snakes had legs and love was free,
A man called Adam climbed a tree.
Although he knew the act was banned,
He plucked an apple with his hand.

In Eden you could always find,
Delicious fruits of every kind.
And everyone of them were free,
Except the apples on this tree.

A snake you see, the curse of man,
Had swayed the mind of his woman.
His partner Eve had tried it all,
Except this luscious juicy ball.

But God had made it very clear,
He was the one you had to fear.
There is one thing you should not do,
”This tree is mine, and not for you!”

When battle rages in man’s mind,
To do what’s right for all mankind.
A woman’s will, will then prevail,
No matter if it makes him fail.

So Adam plundered to his fate,
His woman said she could not wait.
He plucked the fruit to his demise,
No matter that it was unwise.

Now God’s authority was broke,
They’d disobeyed the words he spoke.
He told them both to go away,
And closed his garden from that day.

So Eve and Adam, duly clothed,
Now left that place they’d been betrothed.
And found a world so large and free,
Where they could climb just any tree.

The snake of course had lost it’s legs,
Because he put God’s power to test.
By tempting woman in this way,
He’d had an awful price to pay.

But God it was, who came off worse,
His power was gone, and even worse.
A ‘woman’ had defeated him,
By making man commit this sin.

So women now will rule the land,
Not God, or men you understand?
For women conquer all they see.
While God enjoys ‘snakes legs’ for tea!


Details | Free verse | |

Dear God Good Night


                           Dear God, please give me a little brother
                                    I want to be a big brother
                              Dear God, tell my father and mother
                        I`m going to be a kind and good big brother
                                Dear God, give me a little brother
                              He can get my three-wheeled bicycle
                                        I`ll teach him to ride
                                   Dear God, you must not forget 
                                      then I will need a new bike
                          Dear God, it must be blue with yellow stripes
                               Dear God, please think about this now
                              My best friend got a new bike yesterday
                       Dear God, this prayer comes from John, five years
                               living in the white house on the corner
                                     Amen and good night Dear God

                                                      ***





30.03.2012
A-L Andresen :)


- Thank you for my 2nd place in the contest -


Details | Blank verse | |

Bats

mostly
happy
ever after
hanging 
upside down from a rafter

giving my cherished name
to short splintered sticks
that hits long balls
out of sight
both day and night and

did I mention the difficulty that I have 
in going while hanging upside down
God made it so that 
I must move to move
and stand upright


Details | Prose | |

Golfer Talking Trash

I’m cool, warmed up, loose. I’m gonna crack this ball straight down the fairway 
all the way to the white post, clean and straight. Yeah.

I’m the king of the worm burners, oh, no, I’m the baddest Tiger of these
here woods. Ha ha, not bad, I launched that there rocket clean
into that oak, missed my forehead, missed my partner, never you mind. 
I’m out on the fairway now.  
                                           I’m cool, warmed up, loose. Got my eye on the ball.
King of Zen. Just swing and … yeah. Okay.

I’m King of the beach blanket beee-ing go. Okayyy. No problem. Golf is about practice 
and practice make perfect. Okay, closed my eyes there. 
Splash? Splash it is.

Okay, I’m Chipping King, just smack that ball into that little ole hole. 
God’s be with me. Whew.
 
I’m the man. Ain’t I the man? Blow me a-way!
It’s all won on the greens guys. Ain’t I the King? Didn’t I just chip right in? Ever see
anything like that before? MMMhmm. You on for five on the next hole?


Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: V

Omniscient guy
Yet he lets bad things happen
How can he exist?


Details | Rhyme | |

GOD’S MOON PIE

If God would take the moon

And make it into a great pie,

The sweet aroma of spice

And green apple would fill the sky.

He’d begin with the careful peeling,

Making the globe shining apple-white.

Then He’d find fixins’ to get it just right.

He would count the servings needed

For the whole world to be satisfied,

And choose just the right flavoring

To set all differences of taste aside,

But with all due respect to the bakers’ pride.

To provide for all the world’s problems,

God gives his secret spiritual answers.

So to the seasoning of the apples,

He adds His nine flavor enhancers.

With perfection, God takes no chances.

There is a pinch of peace, joy, and love,

For that aroma that rises above.

Then there is the patience, gentleness and grace,

So that humankind need not eat in haste.

He wants all to sense the goodness in the taste.

Next faith, modesty and moderation He adds,

And then more love he sprinkles in scads.

Here below our appetites we whet,

Our stomach’s pits to be satisfied.

Thankful for every morsel we get,

Until convinced our Lord is glorified.

Soon one could hardly see a crumb.

But we have no need at all to fear,

For at the end of daylight’s trusty gleam,

The moon again is a shining sphere.


Details | Carpe Diem | |

Strenght for the Journey

I asked for strength for the journey
But its in the journey I find the strength
I hear lost souls cry out
These are more than just words that I think
Yeah I'm on the brink of disaster
Lady Luck I'll come by and see you later
But at this time I'm ending the game I only got like ten minutes
But actually I'm running five minutes late
Yeah! its kinda like my life story
Yep, the red foe is crushed now
Sure, I'm just like lightning that is struck down
Like the beginning of wisdom, is to distinguish the differences
I face my fears, I continue in the face of resistance
Because the path of least resistance is what makes both men and rivers crooked
If I have another hearing the judge will throw the book at me
And last night, Oh my GOD why did you forsake me
I got on my knees and prayed for guidance through this darkness
I went back to where it started: and I walked away, took away the threat and became the target
Of course I'm more than just a product of my environment
I'm entirely> Aware that there are 2 kinds of conspiracy
The conspiracy of the government and the conspiracy of the devil
My soul is here just to show you, you must dig deeper inside yourself
I've reached way past the point where it seems hopeless
Every door in Sweetwater is closed to me 
So I close the door to hell and open the door to heaven
It was God who said everything my hand touched would prosper
And my hand has touched this keyboard
And my voice is just screaming out to touch that microphone

    "Get your microphone and make it pretty; Put a skull around it for this city"




Details | Limerick | |

A Whale of a Tale

When the call of the Lord came to Jonah,
“set out for the great land of Nineveh!”
he was angry inside,
and decided to hide,
on a Tarshish bound ship leaving Joppa.

Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea,
ne’er a more violent storm could there be,
there on destiny’s brink,
the ship threatened to sink,
while, old Jonah, was below deck asleep.

Surely, each sailor’s heart fainted with fear,
as the ship they were unable to steer.
“Wake up, Jonah!”  they cried,
“get thee quickly topside,
and fervently beg your God to draw near!”

Now, Jonah knew that this storm was for him,
as in his heart he remembered his sin,
he thought he was sunk,
when they gave him the dunk,
and had to choose whether to sink or to swim.

As soon as Jonah met up with the ocean,
Both the winds and the waves ceased commotion,
then along came a whale,
and old Jonah grew pale,
as it swallowed him up in one motion!

Three long days in that big fish he stayed,
vowing never again would he stray,
relieved not to be dead,
and with kelp on his head,
onto dry land, our dear Jonah was sprayed!

Please, allow me, now this moral to mention,
that when the Lord God gives thee direction,
you must not delay,
set out right away,
His good judgment you must never question.

Should by chance, you hear God’s voice compelling,
“ head thee out to Bangladesh or New Delhi,”
best get on the right boat,
and pray that it floats,
lest you end up kelp covered and smelly!


Details | Limerick | |

The gun and god combo

"The peacemaker" is Glock's new gun
Its spent rounds are rapture and fun
Yes killing's a thrill
Since I'm mentally ill 
And need to own more than just one

A gun for me is like prozac
The bullets clipped pills in a stack
I'm not paranoid
But have weapons deployed
In case I should have an attack


Details | Narrative | |

Granny And Your last glass of water

He starts singing songs of Ireland and we are home in a jiffy
"What's a jiffy," my mother wonders
"Guess  where we went Granny?"
"I don't know but I have a feeling you are gonna tell me," answers my grandmother
"And Don't call me Granny!"
"We went to church so Poppy could ask secret questions."
"The priest gave Poppy a shot and a beer and Poppy sent me next store and he gave me money for  taffy."
"He told me not to tell anyone especially you about the priest cause it's only for the priests ears."
"He said God would take away taffy and I'd never get another goodie and God would strike me dead if I told."
"So I can't tell anyone."
"He did," and she starts yelling and grabs a weapon,"what kind of idiot would be scaring a little child?"
Granny is standing on  Poppy's toes and and asking him questions of where he'd been and getting a sniff of his breath
"So what did you tell  the priest and him giving you consolation and a shot and beer."
"That little rat ," and thinks about the money for candy
Later, Granny is chasing Poppy with that big iron frying pan and poppy running and singing
"In Heaven they have no beer, that's why we drink it here."
"You damn fool I'm gonna bust you in the head, "and throws the pan at his head
And later
Cousin Francis has bill collectors come to the house looking for him
Granny was four foot seven  inches and she starts kicking him in the shin
My Mother grabs his Dick Tracy hat and she jumps on it and flattens it
I ask my mom where I was when this happened and she pauses
" You were in Heaven Patrick waiting with your brother!"
The truancy officers bang on the door and want to know where Uncle Charles is
Granny shrugs and says, "He is upstairs and the sound of the window going up sounds
They all run upstairs and see Uncle sliding down the tree and running as fast as his
seven year legs can move
He comes home later that evening holding a goose under his arm
And Poppy has a soft-boiled goose egg for breakfast every morning
I ask Uncle what happened to that goose and He said,"one day he came home  and
they had chicken for dinner."
And Poppy was gone to heaven to get me and my brother ready Mom says
And Granny sits my brother and me on her lap and says,"you two knuckleheads listen up."
"This is very important so don't forget it."
"Treat people the way you want to be treated, because you never know who is going to hand you your last glass of water"


Details | Limerick | |

"God's Trinity on Limerick"

A Precept Limerick

Precept versus concepts in one’s writing,
Alone, concepts remain__  problems fighting!
  Thus these are the two levels,
  Concepts have not love’s bevel.
Precept is above the problems gliding.

Thus Love’s precept of one’s own opinion, 
Promotes one from being chief’s Indian.
  Problems are below,
  Where strives of wind blow.
Precept answers to Love, concepts break wind.

Concept’s judgments of precept, are inept, 
For natural mind by precept is kept.
  By mind’s vice of verse, 
`Tis no Love disperse.
One’s inspiration is kept of precept! 

 8-29-10


Details | Rhyme | |

Quit My Job, Smashed My Car

Quit my job, smashed my car
My back does throb, need to learn guitar

So I can make, a silly song
And I can sing, it all day long
About how, my God is strong
So that even now, nothing’s wrong

Even though, I quit my job
smashed my car, my back does throb

Life is hard, but I’ve got God
So I won’t let any thought
Any worry or fear
Convince me you’re not near

Even when, I quit my job,
Smashed my car, my back does throb
Life is hard, but I won’t sob
I need to learn guitar


Details | Free verse | |

For God's Sake Man I'm a Doctor

My one attempt at marriage
Was like a union between McCoy and Kahn
Both a wee-bit dramatic
Like living a full fledge grand opera

(McCoy)
"My God man, we're living a circus
And you have jumped off the deep end
What you're proposing is lunacy
I'm a doctor, not a barbarian!"

(Kahn)
"Have you heard the Klingon expression
Revenge is a dish best served cold?
If you want to make this marriage work
Then damn you!!!!  Do as you're told!!!!"

(McCoy and Kahn)
"For God's sake listen to yourself
What you're saying is just plain crazy"
"From hell's hot I stab at thee......
For hate's sake, I spit my last breath..........at thee.........."


[no, the marriage didn't work out, haha.  And last night I ran into my
ex-wife.  She had the gall to speak to me.  So I just wrote this with
genuine laughter in my heart.]


Details | Couplet | |

I Score a Duck Due to No Luck

      

Luck is not in my dictionary
So, my life, losses only carry

Of course I make a honest try
But, ignores it God in the Sky

When I well prepare for the exam
Fate changes that day's program

In case I buy my favorite fruit
My joy, all tiny worms loot

If I go to the doctor for consultation
He would have gone out of station

When to tell my deep love I at last plan
She becomes the wife of another man

In the terrace when I put the flour
Suddenly comes a heavy downpour

I bought for my relative honey bottle
With diabetes he is making a battle

I gave generously bread to a beggar
He took it not due to severe sugar

Next day he to me sadly lamented
For his unhappiness, I repented

Superb English poems I finely write
My mother has no English might

When I decide to see today TV
Work in the office will turn heavy

When I aim for promotion in career
Head Office cancels it for that year

When I take the rain coat cautiously
Sun will generate heat mercilessly

In case I take not the rain coat
For severe rain, weather will vote

When I love to become a friend
His hand, none will kindly extend

While hearing a song in the radio
My family will prefer only the video

When I go cheerfully to the theater
Gets then punctured my scooter

God does not like me a bit
He does only the opposite

So I love not to live longer
Then God makes me linger

For five decades this is happening
So my disappointment is deepening.

mvvenkataraman

SEARCH mvvenkataraman IN GOOGLE OR YAHOO

TYPE mvvenkataraman IN URL












Details | Free verse | |

the Sunny Day Blues Man

living for the moment
ended life as we knew it 
but i'm just doing whatever
kind of hoping 
for some entertainment 
along the way

a day in the life 
of the sunny day blues man
hands down 
this is the best i ever was
the best i'll ever be
don't you agree

the sunny day blues man
isn't it funny the way news slants
the return of the sunny day blues man
just be happy with what you choose man
Never a better option than a given hand
thank god for the sunny day blues man

hope isn't a measure 
it's just tested time
a clamp of suspense 
when the moments array
an echo of needs 
to balance out 
the ways things seem
desire
is the best you and I 
will ever be
don't you agree

the sunny day blues man
isn't it funny the way news slants
the return of the sunny day blues man
just be happy with what you choose man
Never a better option than a given hand
thank god for the sunny day blues man

at times life seems to cycles 
signals of distress
vanity and cupcakes 
i know, it's a brute mess
but along with the irony 
comes pancakes 
yes, the madness seems to iron me
yet i am still here

the eyes a thinker
life of a fighter
hands of a lighter weight 
unburdened 
when smiles reflected a pinch of hurting
because in punishment
the sunlight just couldn't outreach the curtains
though we take the steps alike
we trespass the worries to vaguely
but it was times like these that made me 
and it's the best i'll ever be

"the things we accept in steps of courage"


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Promised Land

Forty years is a pretty long time to be out on a camping trip,
And when you’re living on a mountainside you can start to lose your grip.
So God called his people together to tell them about his plan,
“Folks I just wanted to say, I’m sending you to the Promised Land.”
He talked to them of a land that was flowing with milk and honey,
And told them that to own it all wouldn’t cost them any money.
God divided them up into tribes and then into armies and finally squads,
They thought that their vision of milk and honey must be different than God’s.
When they marched into the land they found people who were very big,
They thought that this land of giants would snap them like a twig.
The walls of the cities in this land were tall and they towered to the sky,
They thought that God must be mad at them so they went to ask him why.
“Lord, it’s going to be tough to attack walls made strong with mortar and bricks,
When we are all only tiny little people running around with pointy sticks.”
God railed at them for having so little faith and told them to attack,
They sort of looked at each other and then told God that he could have it back.
But the Lord told them all to hunker down and do their very best to be brave,
After all the time that Moses had invested God was certainly going to save.
And so they were delivered and the land became their home to keep,
They just never would have guessed that the rent would be so steep.


Details | I do not know? | |

Waiting at the car wash

One day I asked God if I could have a cheese sandwich and a cup of coffee.
No problem David, God said, coming right up.
He then organised a miner to get the ore to make the things He needed.
He then organised a farmer to plow the land to grow the wheat to make the bread.
He then organised a farmer to milk the cow to make the butter and the cheese.
He then organised a farmer grow the beans to make the coffee.
He then organised a driver to transport all the items to the kitchen.
He then organised a chef to make the sandwich and the cup of coffee.
He then organised the waiter to serve it up on a tray just for me.
I didn't dare tell Him that I had changed my mind after all that trouble!
Thank You Lord, it was a lovely snack.

While waiting at the car wash.

© Dave Timperley 2012


Details | Rhyme | |

Mother Earth

I was told God made this marvellous place,
for the sole benefit of the human race,
although through the years it really seems,
as if this is the figment of someone's dreams,
and maybe a lot of what I've been told,
just seems to shine,but isn't gold.
Yes, I used to ask only now and then,
but nowadays it happens,again and again,
and the questions asked all revolve,
around a problem I can't solve.
How come it took him only six days,
to make the universe, for us to amaze,
and in this time to populate too,
our world with people and the rest of the zoo?
As I know for a fact, that when my dear mother,
was making my new little baby brother,
it took her about nine months or so,
before she was able to let him go,
and he could join us in this lovely place,
a shiny new addition to the human race.
So how come God could possibly do,
something like that in a second or two?
I think I'd better buy a new book,
this really does rate a really good look!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Somethings Fishy

God called on Jonah to do something he didn’t want to do. So Jonah beat a path for Tarshish to hide from you know who. But when he was on the ship God caused the sea to rise, His shipmates thought that tossing him over would probably be wise. Then God sent a fish to swallow Jonah and give him time to think, But after spending three days inside a whale Jonah began to stink. So Jonah prayed to God and promised that he’d try to do much better, He’d go give the word to Nineveh if it meant he wouldn’t get any wetter. So God made the fish puke him up somewhere near his goal, But the smell of fish innards and bile was starting to take a toll. By the time he’d walked to Nineveh the stench made Jonah sick, But the combination of the message and retching odor seemed to do the trick. Nineveh promised that they’d be better than God could ever conceive, If only Jonah would hurry to the city gate and oh dear God please leave. I guess that old saying is true, the one that people with in-laws tell, That after three days of being around, both fish and prophets smell.


Details | Limerick | |

Three Atheistic Limericks

Three Atheist limericks 
	for April Fools' Day 2006


Dear Mrs. Schiavo: Goodbye. 
	
Dear Mrs. Schiavo:  Goodbye.
Fifteen years was a long time to die.
   Your husband was brave
   To withstand the wave
Of inedible pie in the sky.  

Why San Diegans remove Crosses from public Land

The SD City Council must hold strong:
Those mountaintop Christians are wrong.
   Crucifixion's the sign
   Of insensitive minds
Not the Native Americans' song.

Unrequited Faith

Dear Judeo-Christian God:
Your behavior's exceedingly odd.
   You let Hitler misbehave
   Then killed thousands with waves
And can't keep your priests' hands  off  kids'  bods!