Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

Funny Dog Poems | Funny Poems About Dog

These Funny Dog poems are examples of Funny poems about Dog. These are the best examples of Funny Dog poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.

Details | Footle | |

More Foolish Footles - Man's Best Friend

Overweight Terrier:
Porky
Yorkie
Un-cool Terrier:
Dorky
Yorkie

Spaniel dog breeder:
Cocker
Stocker
Parrot who mimics a Spaniel's bark:
Cocker
Mocker
Book on how to care for Cockers:
Spaniel
Manuel
Originally from England, a well-rounded Spaniel stays in shape by playing:
Cocker
Soccer
Then showers and dresses by its:
Cocker
Locker

Dachshund headgear:
Weenie
Beenie
Grouchy Dachshund:
Meany
Weenie
Proportionally, male Dachshunds have:
Teenie
Weenies
(But size isn't everything)
Dachshund making critcal life choices:
Eenie
Weenie...

A dog in Medieval France:
Feudal
Poodle
French dog's brain:
Poodle
Noodle
A French dog breeder raises:
Oodles
of
Poodles
(Cheated on that one)

Lassie was a level-headed dog and never engaged in:
Collie
Folly
Reared in a lovng environnment, she was a rather:
Jolly
Collie
Bred in the capitol city of NC, making her a:
Raleigh
Collie
To commemorate her frequent (and often rowdy) visits to N.O. a streetcar was renamed the:
Collie
Trolley

Snoopy immigrated to the States but alas, was found not to be a:
Legal
Beagle
Thus he was deported back to England but was promptly knighted by the Queen becoming a:
Regal
Beagle
Now a celebrity, he even has an entourage of nubile young female beagles named:
Snoopy's
Groupies
Footnote: He is also a regular on the foxhunt circuit where it is rumored that he is often allowed to cheat, prompting howls of protests from outraged and exhausted cohorts...


Details | Couplet | |

On The Moon

Thea, grandfather Alferd's dog died, she was so old and sick
Now is Thea on the moon, says Adrian who is six

Michael Jackson died so unexpectedly and abruptly
He is on the moon and plays with Thea, says Adrian who is a big fan

Betzy, grandfather Arild's dog died, she was also old and sick
Now Betzy is also on the moon with Thea and Michael Jackson and play all day

Great Grandmother died so unexpectedly and abruptly
Adrian who is six had difficulty understanding

Adrian who is six cried many tears for Great Grandmother
but comforted himself with the fact that she is sitting on the moon and
makes waffles to Thea, Michael Jackson and Betzy.




04.11.2012
A-L Andresen :)  - A true story -


Details | Rhyme | |

His Old Pick-Up Truck

He begs me to come, but he's run out of luck You won't catch me dead in that beat-up old truck! It was painted blue...now the color is rust But you can't be too sure...since it's covered in dust!... The engine must idle, (about an hour is good) You can feel the vibration, around the whole neighborhood A life is at risk, if you go for a ride! The windshield is broken, and leaks rain inside It makes a weird noise, rides bumpy and rough The dashboard is littered and covered with "stuff" The seat cushion's torn, and it pokes at my rear The dog sits beside us and licks at my ear There's no place below us, for resting my feet There's a hole in the floor, O my God, there's the street!!! The windows don't close, so there's more than a breeze Wrappers from Twinkies, a Burger King box... One lonely old sneaker, and smelly old socks Half a stale donut smashed down on the floor Darn!! The dog beat me to it, and is looking for more!! The muffler is loose, you can see the sparks fly Dirty looks from the folks, who get smoke in their eyes When we drive by the neighbors, I duck my head and I hide I'm no Prima Donna....but I've still got some pride!! He loves that old truck, he calls her a gem! Make him choose between us??? ....I'd be out on a limb!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For Verlena Walker's Slamming Battle Contest


Details | Rhyme | |

I Didn't Do My Math Homework

I didn’t do my math homework!
I watched T.V instead!
I better come up with an excuse... and quick!
Or else I’m surely dead!

My brother tore it!
It’s in the garbage!
Mom says it causes brain damage!

My power was out!
I had the flu!
I was having trouble excreting my poo!

You know, why even bother?
My excuses are so lame!
I know! My dog ate my homework!
Now to find a dog I can blame...


Details | Concrete | |

If Children Were Puppies

                                                IF MY
                                            CHILDREN
                                         WERE PUPPIES
                                            THEY’D BE
                                               NICER
                                                  TO
                                                  ME.
                                THEY WOULD NOT BE FUSSY
                        AND            TALK BACK YOU            SEE.                       
                       SIT             BRAVE AND LOYAL           NOT                        
                       TRY             TO RUN AND HIDE.           AND
                                        FAITHFULLY  FOLLOW
                                           NEVER LEAVING
                                            MY SIDE. BUT
                                            IF CHILDREN
                                             WERE PUPS
                                              THEN THEY
                                              MIGHT EAT
                                             LIKE    HOGS
                                            CHEW    YOUR 
                                          GOOD        SHOE   
                                 MAYBE HIDE         YOUR CLOGS
 	    AND IF CHILDREN WERE PUPPIES, THEN WE’D ALL BE DOGS!

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
12.02.2012


Details | Narrative | |

The Dog and the Rabbit

The dog seen a rabbit and how he did chase
to catch that little critter and boy what a race

But one thing that rabbit knew as he ran away
he was not going to be lunch for that dog today

Around the tree and  into the bushes he went
the dog was right after that little rabbit's scent

the dog was so busy that he never did see
that big old  hornet nest  way up in the tree

running and barking and making a sound
made all the hornets start buzzing around

They all made a dive and together they flew
when they  hit the dog he knew he was through

He made up his mind right there and then
he would never go chasing that rabbit again


Details | Free verse | |

not me two cats and a mangy dog

the rain fell 
outside 
dogs and cats
Sunday 
was late in coming
rolled over in bed 
played dead

until a red 
long haired cat
named Fred
sat 
on my head
and my face 
turned red

then a stray 
mangy yellow dog
named Yellow
decided to play 
with me
chased Fred away
and decided to stay

his body heat 
was hot
and I rolled over in bed
until a cool fat black cat 
named Frank 
chased Yellow
outside to the riverbank


Frank the cool fat black cat 
started to scat 
at the top of his range
at the edge of my bed
his blues 
went straight 
to my head

then Yellow and Fred 
returned 
with guitar and bass
and played backup
to Frank
while I played the bed
to save face

it was all 
going swell
until my neighbors 
who didn’t like our chops
banged a different tune 
on the wall
and called the cops

they broke down
the door
and took away us four
along with our instruments 
less the bed of course
into a paddy wagon 
we sped 

it was in a cell 
with a cot
that we realized that we were hot
to trot
and started our prison band called 
not 
me two cats and a mangy dog


Details | Couplet | |

Sherlock

Sherlock
I met a man on the internet, but he’s not for me to date
He seems ok because he has a dog he loves, so I think I am too late.

The dog was given a name of notable English fame
He used to live on 221b Baker Street and Sherlock was his name.

Poor Sherlock has sore eyes, so they sent him to Dr Bart
He had to have a lid lift to keep the lids apart.

Poor Sherlock is now home and feeling very sad
A cone around his head, he wants to sleep with mum and dad.

Sherlock is a bloodhound, not the smallest dog
He sleeps with mum and dad and daddy writes his blog.

Dad has found a use for Sherlock with his cone around his head
He places him in the garden for free satellite instead.

Get Well Soon Sherlock


Details | Free verse | |

The Little Dog ( Scotty )

The Little Dog ( Scotty )

I’m only a small female
Little legs you see
The other two are huge
Males big pawed and hairy
Great tongues lolling
But they protect me
They are nice to me
I’m only small

The human is a giant !
If I look straight ahead
I can only see the shins
And while the other two are off
Galloping and romping
I am trotting behind
Little legs you see
But the human
He waits for me

I think the human is male
He must be
As I feel so drawn to it
And its kind hands
And kind eyes
He must be male
I am female
I know these things

I love to go out walking
The human he takes us all
All three !
I have to skip over boulders
Which to them are just pebbles
And sometimes all of them
Have to wait for me patiently
Little legs with little paws you see

I love them all
Especially the human
And especially when he feeds me
Even more when he tickles my tummy
Do you know he built a little house for me
Just for me
I curl up on pillows at night
Nice warm and cozy

So because I love him
And even though I am rather small
I growl and bark
When he needs protecting
And I can see him smiling
So I know I am being a good girl

The human has a “ H U G E ” kennel
So big a dog could get lost in
And when he returns from being gone
He always lets us in
But never up those little floors
Which go to the place he uses for sleeping

Never mind
I am content
Like the other two 
To curl on the soft fluffy bit of the floor
And wait dozing
Occasionally sniffing about 
The place food is kept in
Till the time comes
For us all to go out walking

And then I can barely contain myself
In jumps and circles
While the other two are whimpering and whining
Time for them to go off running, snuffling and playing
While behind I follow
Steadily trotting
Little legs you see
But the human
He waits for me





Details | Couplet | |

Doggone*Dog *contest*

.     *DOGGY  STYLE*

Tonight! Tonight! I must display.
About my man's doggy style way.

Once he comes home he acts like I'm his "DOGGY BAG."
"It’s DOGGING ME!" The way he starts to nag.

He came from the bar with his "DOG BREATH!"
Calling me by the name of Beth.

When he settles down he starts acting like he's the "TOP DOG!"
"DOGGONE IT!" doesn't he know I'm adding this bone to my blog.

Now he's drunk acting "MEAN LIKE a JUNK YARD DOG!"
I taunt him by calling him a pig and a hog.

We "FIGHT LIKE CATS and DOGS," this really must be love?
"It's a DOG eat DOG WORLD" when push comes to shove!

Once again he will sleep "IN THE DOG HOUSE!"
This time for ripping my favorite blouse.

It's too bad "YOU CAN'T TEACH an OLD DOG NEW TRICKS!"
I wish he was a real dog, he needs to be neutered and fixed.

I think I will laugh and kiss him good night.
Anyways "HIS BARK is WORSE THAN HIS BITE!"

By morning he will be "SICK AS A DOG" and scary like a mouse.
I'm still waiting to be "Happy as a FLEA in a DOG HOUSE!"

"HE IS NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG" thinking it's doggy style all the time!
In his rabies case his desires keeps getting worse than slobber and slime.

.Should I tell my man that his actions are  what I call humans love torch?
 With the reaction "IF you can’t run with the BIG DOG's PUPPY, STAY on the porch!"

By; smiles


Details | Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama) | |

The Cross Over

My Dog 


Today is the day!
I give my dog away!
I wonder if he's sick or if he's too lazy to play and do tricks.
I called the vet, “$80 I cannot pay.”

My dog, my favorite pet,
He does not want to chase the cat.
I understand that he does not like to get wet.
But, how come today, he doesn't want to play fetch.
I tell him to roll over.
That he doesn't even want to do :- ( 
When I call my dog Rover,
He gives me the puppy face too.
Maybe he's over fed.
All he does is lay there in bed.
He’s not even wagging his tail!

My dog, my favorite pet,
He didn’t walk with me to get the mail.

Should I call the Dog Catcher?
And ask why my dog is playing dead?


by;pd & son 


Details | Tanka | |

Strange Love

Why do I love you?
When I look into your face
Your teeth are too big,
That nose is extremely long.
Yet all I want in a dog.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans 
09.08.2014


Details | Clerihew | |

A Dog's Tale

Here lies Rover the dog Who always wanted to be a frog Though he hated getting a soak He did however eventually croak


Details | Narrative | |

MAMA CAT AND HER GANG

My son and his family drove down from the big city,
out to the countryside with open fields and steams.
They brought their standard golden poodle along, 
a curly-haired fellow, name of Timmy.
Timmy had never seen a cat;
not even a mole or a furry rat.
Visiting country kin, he was checking things out.

Everything went fine that very first day.
Cats went about paying him no mind.
He walked about just passing time.
On that second day there was a big mistake.
Being a city dog with more worldy ways,
to add pleasure to his hum-drum days,
he thought it time to befriend these country kin.
 
The cats had never seen a dog this small,
only those on stilts, big, long and tall, 
like Pyrenees, big wide mouths and teeth to match.
With barking big dogs on the scene,
up a tree they squirreled, never to be seen.
But this golden-haired fellow, with city clout--
they’d give him benefit of instinctive doubt.

Mama cat was even so bold 
to sniff this city slicker right on the nose.
Sizing him up all the while, a friendly rat, she surmised,
a might bigger than some she had seen,
playing cat and mouse, yet acting so coy;  
that is, until that overgrown golden-haired rat  
walked up to Mama’s black baby boy.

Mama’s two other sons, another black and a blue,
began to gather nearer this city dweller, too.
Timmy politely extended his nose.
black son cat extended his razor-sharp claws,
with a bristled tail and fierce hissing jaws. 
Timmy let out with a painful yelp,
as Mama cat called all boys in for help.

Cats surrounded and gave chase to the dog,
life-fearing circles around the cedar tree he’d log;
four hissing cats hot on his tail,
poor Timmy yelping in a desperate wail.
The master of Timmy gave rescue,  
but Mama cat and her three grown sons,
strutting in pride, putting a dog on the run. 



Written by:  Carolyn Henderson
For Constance LaFrance's Cat Poem Contest
Won 9th Place


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Cat and the Dog (an overheard conversation)

"My word," said the cat,"you certainly do stink.
Methinks water's for bathing, not just to drink!"

"Retract those sharp claws," the dog stifled a yawn,
"I get plenty clean when I roll on the lawn."

"So much for you dogs having a great sense of smell,"
cat wrinkled his nose and whipped his long tail,
"now you just stink like the hinges of Hell."

"Get lost," snarled the dog, "with your sense of perfection,
"you only act sweet when you want some affection."

"At least they can kiss me," the old cat purred,
"without holding their noses since you smell like a turd."

"I am Man's Best Friend," the dog said with great pride,
"and I got that way by not being so snide."

"YOU'RE Man's best friend?" the cat said with a hoot,
"I feel sorry for Man, if that is the truth!"

"Don't make me get up," the old dog growled,
"I'll tear off your head," his eyes looking wild.

"I have speed for protection,"
he stretched with feline perfection,
"and as I go now, I fart
 in your general direction."


©Danielle White


Details | Alliteration | |

Lucky at Home

You’d think a dog named Lucky,
Would lead a decent life.
But Lucky had his troubles,
And they followed day and night.

One day Lucky ran away
In search of greener pastures.
Just to find a field ablaze,
Thus the start of his disasters.

Although Lucky didn’t die that day
And no limbs or parts were broken,
Lucky smelled of smoldered hair
And you’d swear he kept on smokin!

And Lucky like to chase the cars,
Till the day he lost his nerve
When Lucky met a big ‘ol bus
That couldn’t stop or swerve.

I’m not sure just how it hit him
Or how he’s here today.
But he’s never walked straight since,
And one eye veers away.

Lucky always clashed with cats
And was leery of their paws.
Until a “Tom” of forty pounds
Let Lucky feel his jaws.

Hair and fur balls filled the air
Like Cottonwoods a bloomin.
Poor ‘ol Lucky lost an ear,
And now looks twice as stupid.

I confess, I named him wrong
And why he stays, I’ll never know.
I guess that I’m the lucky one,
To have Lucky here at home.


Details | Limerick | |

Bow Pow

<                                    cakes and sausages on hot griddle
                                      uncle Leroy's dam dog just piddled
                                      slipped ~ slide across floor
                                      grabbed shotgun by front door
                                      now dam ole dog just plays an fiddle 



                            bow bow bow bow bow bow bow        bow ~ wow 
                            ow ow ow ow ow ow ow                       bow ~ ow 
                            with   tail    between     own  ~              legs 
                            now    dog    sings  ~    and  ~               brags
                            about cousin's daisies's  bad                 bow ~ pows
                  
                                                                                        
                                                                                     


Entry For John Freeman's
Slapstick Limerick Contest
Gl All

Poor Ole Dog LOL


Details | Haiku | |

A Dog's Life

Put on a leash
Sniff sniff sniff sniff
New place to pee


Details | Limerick | |

A Pleasant Trip

I stepped out the door to feed Doggy
The day was so beautifully foggy
I tripped on his dishes
And swam like the fishes
And now all my dress clothes are soggy!


Details | Burlesque | |

Suburban Spring

Suburban Spring	
(4.15.10)


	Springtime fills the air, 
			like laughing gas.
		(Or maybe more like whiskey.)
The suburbs are drunk on the nectar of it's dawn.
	Middle-class houses 
			are starting to dance.
		(Or maybe they're just wobbling.)
They vomit whole families onto their lawn.

			I watch them the same way dogs watch TV:
				Confused and intrigued, 
		with a slight urge to pee.

	The father cuts grass, 
			like a sleepwalker.
		(Or maybe more like a zombie -
Ravenous for cheap beer, instead of brains.)
	A six pack later, 
			he starts washing his car.
		(Or watering his driveway.)
He's spreading on wax so he's set when it rains.

	The mother kneels in dirt, 
			tending the garden.
		(More like digging in a sandbox.)
Her spade is rusty.  (Figuratively, at least.)
	A sunset later, 
			she cooks family dinner.
		(Or maybe orders some pizza.)
(If every mouth is fed, she can call it a feast.)

			I watch them the same way dogs watch TV.

	The son plays war games, 
			dying for fun.
		(Or maybe more for practice.)
He whines about fruit drinks, as well as the heat.
	A full pitcher later, 
			tweaking on sugar,
		(Or maybe just corn starch.)
the war escalates, 'til its time to go eat.

	The daughter makes a picnic, 
			inviting her toys.
		(Or maybe not.)
(Her plastic spread can only spread so thin!)
	After the tea time, 
			she's off picking flowers.
		(Or maybe weeds.)
(As long as they're pretty, there's a vase that they'll fit in.)

		They gather, as a family, at the table to say grace.
		They hold each others' hands and say, "Amen."  
			(And proceed to stuff their face.)

	The dog sits by the boy - 
			Loyal and true.
		(Or maybe just hungry.)
He drools as he stares from the corners of his eyes.
	After dinner, 
                     he offers to help with the dishes.
		(Or maybe he demands it.)
The boy sneaks him a bite.  The dog is not surprised.

	Bedtime comes soon after.  
			The kids are sent to brush their teeth.
		(Or maybe just to run the sink.)
They put on their jammies, and to bed, they go.
	After tucking them in, 
			the parents watch TV.
		(Or maybe they just dream they do, 
					sleeping in its glow.)

	The dog is changing channels, 
			looking for a better show.
				Confused and intrigued, 
		he pees on the carpet below.


Details | Couplet | |

A DOG'S VIEW

Talking can lead to fights and stuff
To know someone just sniff their butt

June 9th, 2013


Details | Quatrain | |

My Life As A Dog

My life as a dog would indeed be fine
Knowing I could nap anywhere, anytime.
On the porch or in a chair,
I could dream without a care.

With my legs, I'd set a pace
And find a cat or car to chase.
If that prusuit for me did fail,
I'd turn around and chase my tail.

With my nose, I'd take in smells
And see what things I could tell.
Like who is cooking, what and where,
Or who passed by, here and there.

With my ears, I could listen good
To the sounds of my neighborhood.
When the sun went down and all was dark,
I'd take heed of the twilight bark.

With my voice, I would make known
Visitors who approached my home.
My bark would make all foes flee,
Yet to friends it'd be welcoming.

With my eyes, I could implore or beg,
For a scrap of food or a pat on the head.
The neatest thing is - is that I could see
In the dark of night, what there might be.

With my tail, I could express
The degree of my happiness.
And when I'd head out on the go,
My tail would wag, to and fro.

For all the ways that I can find
To put myself in a canine's mind,
It's quite plain to see,
My life as a dog would be grand indeed.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Cat and Mouse

Late night I come
Dog greets and barks
He chases, I run

Next night I come
Ready with sticks
I chase, he runs

Days go Nights come
Dog plays cat and mouse
I chase or run

Then came the Night I dread
The Dog descends the stairs
Unaware I climb the stairs

We greet face to face
Scared to death
I run down

The Dog darts above


Details | Rhyme | |

Stop washing your dogs in my swimming pool

My swimming pool is full of fur, pee, and dog poo.
Your dogs contaminate my pool and it's because of you.
Every day while I'm at work, you use my pool to bathe your twenty-five mutts.
When I asked you to stop it, you gave me the finger and I punched you in the gut.

You laughed at me but you stopped when I broke out most of your teeth.
I knocked you flat on your sorry ass and made you feel a lot of grief.
You threw a punch but you broke your hand on my belt buckle.
Then I caved in half of your face when I put on my steel knuckles.

You were ugly before but you should look in the mirror now.
Even blind girls won't date you because you look like a sow.
Your damn dogs have ruined my pool and my patience grows thin.
I'll cut out your gizzard if you wash your dogs in my pool again.

(This is a fictional poem.)


Details | Senryu | |

My Cat is Not Stupid

whiskers twitch
there's a dog in the litter
hello floor

4-7-13

Not sure if it's a senryu or a haiku? Help, please :)


Details | Couplet | |

CAN YOU SPEAK -WOMAN-

CAN  YOU  SPEAK  WOMAN?

I can speak French and sometimes Chinese
I can also speak cat with some ease
When he  miaows at me as he goes
I mimic his call and he  knows
When the dog barks I reply
Even the horse and I see eye to eye
But I can’t speak “woman”
It’s beyond the speech power of a man.
I can’t talk for hours about shoes

And discuss the merits of mauves or blues
Or share the humour of how pink bows  
Don’t go with green  pillows
                                                                                                                                 
And go all weepy over Meryl  Streep

Or wax lyrical over some punk-rock creep

Or persuade some guy to discuss flowers

Rather than the size of the nuclear powers  
.. . . . so she  said. . . . so then I said. . . 
And  she whispered. . . . and her face went red. . . .

No it’s impossible to spend hours on the phone
I’d rather sit watching football all alone
It’s futile me trying to pretend
An interest in what gift to send
Or remember birthdays wi th accuracy
Such a task would drive me crazy
God save me from female speech
Let me speak “man”,  I beseech
Just let me sit alone and grunt
Or maybe shoot, fish,  and hunt
And talk to the dog about football facts
Or maybe  to the car while I wax.













Details | Limerick | |

Just Do it

It was time to visit the vet With a specimen from my pet I scooped a lump of coal But the cheap bag had a hole Now, I'm driving in a cold sweat Nauseous, I cannot elude The smell of what Winnie pooed Rotten eggs are preferred Over smelling dog terds And her ripe farts are far less rude By Rhonda Johnson-Saunders for PDs Pooping Contest *Yes, my dog is named Winnie after Winnie the Pooh by my son. We call her Winnie Bear


Details | Rhyme | |

Doggie Bag

Don’t it make you feel like a no life, enslaved sap?,
To follow your dog around
As he looks for a place to crap?

And if that’s not enough, oh my aching word,
You follow him back home toting his turd!

Just one more rhyme and them I’m through/
Who is the leash for ….. the dog or you?
Okay I lied about the rhymes; there’s two..

As a matter of fact, I’d rather care for a cat,
They cover it themselves once they’ve shat.


Inspired by people /pet watching in an association.


Details | Free verse | |

Outsmarted Again

Banana sandwich
jam doughnut
well done steak
turn around to get a plate
from a rack

Gone!

Two little innocent faces 
and wagging tails stirring back.


Peter Dome.copyright.2013. Dec.


Details | Limerick | |

Who Let The Dogs Out ? { The DogGone Dog Contest}

<                              tell me now   Who ! Who ! ~  Let The Dogs Out ?
                                bet Carolyn pulling them by snouts ......
                                fleas ...  ticks....  she started to itch /////
                                screaming  sons of  a  ....... b .i...t...c....h
                                poor neighbor's dog now takes different route
                               
                                
                                
                                
Entry For
Andrea Dietrich's
The DogGone Dog Contest
G.L. All


Details | Rhyme | |

I Just Can Not Win

There was a day, oh so clear… I took my newly trained dog for a walk.
Just as I left the house… a rabbit came by, and yes, we were off.
My dog took off quite fast… as he ran the rabbit under a car.
Yep, you guessed… I just can’t win… but I’m still alive, so far…

Then a squirrel crossed the street… for in a tree, to hide.
Clearly we had to follow… as cars swerved to miss us in their ride
I was very grateful that day… to find every thing still intact.
Yep, you guessed… I just can’t win…as a friend, helped us from a limb, well cracked.

Next the mailman rounded the bend… in his small-motorized truck
I sure am glad he got away… but again, me… not so much.
I can attest to my dog’s health… As we ran a mile in record time…
Yep, you guessed… I just can’t win… as a fire truck came roaring by.

Now don’t you worry so very much… we survived, yet, again?
And as all settled down, I was so glad… till the rain came rumbling in.
Since lightening and thunder scare him so… we made it home, in record time.
Yep, you guessed… I just can’t win… as from under the door I climbed.

The dinner table had been set… as I hurried from the door.
Dinner will be late; I have to explain… as I now cleared it from the floor.
A walk always develops an appetite… I mused, as I began to explain doggy house laws.
Yep, you guessed it… I just can’t win…  as the turkey lay between his paws.

The trainer assured me my dog’s well trained… though with a small attention span
Training’s gone well, he said, again… though he looked like a crazed stuntman.
Yep, you guessed it… He couldn’t win…as he gave me, my money back 
A little chagrinned… he sent me on my way, with several tons of luck.

There’ll probably be another moment or two… with my beloved Great Dane.
But that’s to be expected… from a 100 lb puppy that’s almost potty trained
Yep, you guessed… I just can’t win... But Don’t Worry, we’re doing well… 
OOOPS, the doorbell rang… here we go again, for another time…

But know, eventually he will grow up… and by then we’ll be just fine…


Details | Rhyme | |

Under The Ducky Moon

                                     Under The Ducky Moon

The Winter had been Harsh, Harsher than Most. Now cabin fever had taken its toll.
I was beginning to act a little bit weird, but so were others I know.
Then suddenly the sun revealed itself, its warmth was beginning to show.
Ice began to melt from the chair in my back yard, and yes it tempted me so…
And then I snapped, its true, I know, with the melting of ice and snow.
With every single drip… drip… drip… my mind began to go…

I’d been stubborn and frozen to the core on many a winter’s day.
As I had stayed by the window, while I’d typed my poems away.
I had counted every icy day… toward those beautiful blessed Spring Rays…
Then one day the temperature went from 8 to 78, and that took my breath away…
I threw off the blankets that kept me warm and I danced…a lot I say!
No matter how crazy it looked… I’d enjoy the January thaw, making hay!
It’d soon be winter again, so I ran outside and chiseled the ice from that chair.
Then in defiance I sat there as my dog slid over sheets of ice with flare.

To our neighbors we must have looked crazy, like we didn’t have a clue.
But they quickly turned back, to chiseling ice from their driveways anew.
But my dog and I continued to stay disposed quite nice.
After all there was only 4 inches of deep blue ice.
Yep, I sat there and watched as water began streaming down the street so 
precise…

I continued to sit there until I saw that the full moon had finally come out.
Then I began to wonder if perhaps we should beware of the nutty people running 
about…
As if!!! I answered. The Full moon’s got nothing on cabin fever. No doubt!  
I continued to watch until some ducks peacefully flew across the full moon that 
night… 
At that point, I knew my choice had been absolutely truly right…
For the cold would come back, and I’d always remember my choice… 
This day would Forever be the day, when the Ducky Moon brought this story to 
voice.


Details | Free verse | |

The English Teacher

I have taught many subjects to many people in my career.
Whether I was teaching first year engineers to write an essay,
or bored sixth-graders the difference between composite and prime,
I never once doubted my abilities as a teacher.

I was passionate, caring, easy to understand, and always got my point across.
Or so I thought—
I learned otherwise one quiet afternoon in a village in Morocco.

I silently watched as my husband’s sister, to whom I had been teaching English,
repeatedly chanted “good night” to my dog, while waiting expectantly for her to “sit”.

My dog cocked her head to the side, in that way that only dogs can, with a sly grin on her face,
and if she could speak, I’m sure she would make a quip about not being sleepy.

I continued to watch without a word, I was speechless really,
and hoped for the sake of my career that my dog would get tired and sit.


Details | Free verse | |

A Green Dog Loves Decent Purple Dandelions

A Green Dog Loves Decent Purple Dandelions

I knew I had it with me
It gave me so many great ideas
Shaped them and formed them into poetry
Lately the words do not come to me
They mix together and become incomprehensible
I write, “A green dog loves decent purple dandelions”
That won’t make sense to anyone with some drugs
I want to write
I want to create something special
“A green dog loves decent purple dandelions”
What the hell does that mean?
They came from my fingers through my keyboard
My fingers were controlled by my mind
What was my mind thinking?
What was the imagery I was intending?
Christ, I wish I knew
He won’t tell me what was in my mind
I don’t think he would want to know
I just know one thing
With lines like that my mind is not with me
It left with a bottle of Kentucky whiskey
Travelling on its own
My mind is on vacation to a different planet
A planet in a galaxy so many light-years away
It may never come back to help me be creative
“A green dog loves decent purple dandelions”
That may be the last line I ever write
And THAT would be a hell of a way to be remembered


Details | Light Poetry | |

Assinine thought attempting humor

Funny thought.... chiwuawa bites a man's boot without said man knowing the dog was even there....dog ends up with doggie dentures....the owner sues said man for cruelty to animals....case denied when his boot was put on display with teeth still embedded in the bite marks....evidence shows that the dog was suffering from gum disease. The judge ruled that the owner of the boot could collect fees for tooth extractions!!


Details | Rhyme | |

Vacuum Cleaner

Red furry vacuum silently goes across the floor
Consuming dropped homemade southern biscuit
Then looks up with sad eyes beggin'  for more
  

Just for fun!!


Details | Couplet | |

Soul of a "Jewel" vs...Life as a "Mule"

He always says..."She has the "soul of a jewel"!!"
I always say...."She rides like a stubborn old mule"!!!
So...he wants me to ride in his old pick up truck..???
Well, I'm glad to tell you....he has run out of luck!!
I'll tell you why....
Would I lie???

It was once painted blue...but now the color is rust
But you can't be too sure...'cause it's covered in dust!
The engine has to idle...'bout half an hour is good..
You can feel the vibration, around the whole freakin' neighborhood!
If I open the door,...it makes a loud squeak
I must hold my breath....Eewwwww!!  What are those odors?? It reeks!!

My life is in jeopardy if I go for a ride!
The windshield is dirty, we can't see from inside
It makes a weird noise...and rides bumpy and rough
The dashboard is peeling, and covered with "stuff"
The seat  cushion's torn, it pokes at my rear
His dog sits beside us, and licks at my ear
There's no place below, to rest my feet
There's a hole in the floor....you can see the street!!!!

The windows don't close, so there's always a breeze
With old Kleenex flying...those were tossed when he sneezed...
Wrappers from Twinkies, a Burger King box...
One lonely old sneaker...and dirty old socks
If I had me some coffee...I'd really be set
'Cause those are dirty Styrofoam cups....and even more than that!
Half a stale donut is squished on the floor
Darn!! The dog beat me to it...and is looking for more!

The muffler is loose, you can see the sparks fly
Dirty looks from the folks, who get smoke in their eyes
When we drive by the neighbors, I duck my head and I hide
I'm no Prima Donna....but I've still got some pride!!
He loves that old truck....he calls her a gem!
If he had to choose between us.......I could be out on a limb!!!


______________________________________________________________________
For Paula's contest "Soul of a ........ & Life of a ........."


Details | Senryu | |

Senryu 0218

shrill voice cries Servant! commands the queen bossy little dog


Details | Rhyme | |

When Fur Flies And Worlds Collide

Some years ago I fell on hard times.
So my friend took me in and my cat Kiwi too.
At times life speaks in rhythm and rhymes.
We had adventures and this story's true.

She had Simba who was a huge dog.
Sometimes the cat and dog would fight.
Simba usually slept like a log.
While Kiwi prowled all through the night.

One day I tried to protect my kitty.
So into the master bedroom I threw her.
Unknown to me this was such a pity.
For suddenly there was flying fur!

Seems Simba was in there taking a snooze.
Kiwi landed smack on his back.
Out they charged and began to cruise.
Galloping like a pony,nothing left intact.

Kitty dug in her claws;held on for dear life.
Doggy whimpered as he flew room to room.
Those claws were sharp as a razor knife.
This magic carpet ride bound for doom.

We laughed so hard we nearly spit.
To see kitty taking this rough ride.
We couldn't help but roll with it.
Suddenly Simba flipped on his backside.

Down flew Kiwi over his head.
Off she ran , somewhere to hide.
Simba glanced around with dread.
That was sure some crazy ride!



written March 13th, 2014


Details | Quatrain | |

The Pup

A book was read
The day before last
It should have said
Look to the past

As Kate picked it up
Out of the book
Popped one giant pup
That barked and shook

This pup was all clad
In heavy brown fur
His howl was so sad
As if to muster

The look on his face
Was easy to tell
He looked like some space
Was the best type of spell

Kate sat there in shock
As the pup looked on
He licked at her sock 
And Kate gazed upon

The pretty young pup
Made his way close
As Kate got on up
To walk on her toes

The pup followed Kate
And wouldn't give in
Till she took the bait
Which made the dog grin

The dog gave a lick
One, two, and three
Her face was all slick
And she tried to see

Kate gave a laugh
It sounded quite shy
It was cut in half
As Kate then had died.


~ Die a 'Fun' Death Free Poetry Contest
         - sponsored by Natalie the Rogue Rhymer


Details | Sonnet | |

The Broken Girl-not me

Is my life not tortured enough for you to see? 
I am broken as can be. 
My heart is torn. 
My tears stain these perfect floors.  
Why are singing with glee? 
Why do you not care about my every plea? 
I am trapped in your arms. 
I am the hopeless moth. 
How did you pick me? 
What is it that you see? 
A girl untouched by life? 
A flower blooming in the desert? 
I have said goodbye to my loving integrity.  
You took that from me through R-A-P-E.


Details | Grook | |

The Doggone Dog Contest

               My Pet

They say that a pet resembles its master,
but I don't believe that it's true.
       When I walk with my dog, 
he always walks faster.
       When I eat a sandwich, 
my dog eats a shoe.
       My dog often scratches his head with his feet,
but, I use my hands, instead.
       I tend to roll in bed when I sleep.
My dog rolls in anything dead.
    I've never pooped in a clearing, or park;
       I've never chewed on a bone;
When a squirrel climbs a tree, I don't stare up and bark -   
			I'd rather just leave it alone.
But I don't get fed, and watered, and rubbed,
	and I don't get treats when I pee.
And I'm not, as quickly, forgiven and loved,
	when someone gets angry with me.
They say that a pet is just like its master,
but I haven't seen any proof yet.
        Personally, I think that would be a disaster.
Instead, I wish I was more like my pet.


Details | Footle | |

Dog Day Footles

WET POOCH
Soggy
Doggy

A SLEEPY BEAGLE
Droopy
Snoopy

PEDIGREED DOG
Real Fine
Canine

NOISY LITTLE ANKLE-BITER
Yipper
Nipper

A DACHSHUND WITH A SHINY COAT
Sheeny
Weeny

A COURAGEOUS DACHSHUND
Moxie
Dachsy


Details | Rhyme | |

At Morning Play

The sun shines gently upon me. 
The birds are busy at play.
The children are sleeping. 
The cats are out creeping.
And the dog has been barking all day.

The birds cackle and chirp;
As they play a round of hide and seek.
The dog watches with excitement, 
as the cat strolls by so frail and meek.

A good morning kiss from the sun to the world.
Its a brand new day.
wake up boys and girls.


Details | Limerick | |

Trying to teach a dog tricks

A fellow got into a
fix
Trying to teach his
dog some new tricks
His canine named
Rover
Refused to roll over
And seemed totally
blind to thrown
sticks


Details | Couplet | |

DOG AND PLASTIC BAG - THE END

DOG AND PLASTIC BAG
 -  THE END

My dog went after a  plastic bag one day
Caught it in  mid-flight, I’d say
Stopped its ascent  to greater glory
But that’s not the  end of the story
Bag got caught on  the poor dog’s head
After a struggle the  dog was dead
Sorry, no more poems  about bag or dog
To amuse and hold  readers agog



Details | Couplet | |

My Dog, Jake

Jake's as purty as a Boston terrier can be.
Grinning and jumping each time he sees me.
He’s happy to be fed and he dearly loves to fetch.
We use a little stuffed bear when we play catch.

I got him as a puppy and instantly could tell
He was a dog I would love and never ever sell.
He chewed on the corners of furniture and stuff.
He loves to play “tug of war” because we played so rough

Now he’s almost six years old, my friend Jake
He never fails to greet me, my day he does make
A good dog and companion for the whole family.
“Feed Jake” if I can’t, is my heart-felt plea.


Details | Couplet | |

PLASTIC BAG PLAGIARISM

PLASTIC BAG PLAGIARISM



I thought it was all over but I have 
Been assaulted by  a  plagiarists’ wave, 
And I felt  used, abused,  dirty .
I’ve received insults  about a plastic  bug (about thirty)
And a plastic bog.    Some have referred 
To my plastic as being merely big;  or claimed (and erred)
To have seen how my poor dead plastic begs.
But the most heartlessly cruel  dregs
Were making  “plastic dog”  jokes,
Not to mention the bombastic pseudo-erudite folks
With their sarcastic  references (often sick)
To elastic  clastics  in the mastic,
And how my “idiot” dog  was  enthusiastic, 
Though drastic and rustic. 


From people’s cruelty there seems no refuge
But, who knows?  When they get to the pearly gate
They could come face to face  with a huge 
Plastic dog determining their fate.


Details | Rhyme | |

Death Came A Knocking While I Was Out

Death came a knocking while I was out
He did not have time for me to be about
Up at five before the sun
Picking up what I left undone
Coffee black cup after cup
Trying to get my body woke up
Do a load of laundry and fry some eggs
Do a load of dishes wake up the kids
Feed them, cloth them solve every crisis extra soon
Off to the school bus jumping over the moon
Let the dog out, put the cat in
Finish to start, end to begin
Wash my face, comb my hair
Put on anything that is near
Rushing out, racing the car
Just an errand here, on time so far
Dry cleaning, day care, drug store
No time for just one more
Clock in at work meeting at nine
Forget lunch who has the time
In basket full, out basket bare
Check an e-mail if you dare
Finally work is done
You clock out on the run
Get bread and milk and sneak a candy bar
The kids are home and they need the car
Soccer, baseball, dancing and the flute
All these activities cost me loot
Hardly time to eat dinner at eight
Home work, baths than a minute to escape
The cat gets out the dog wants in
You're looking in the cupboard for that bottle of gin
Finally a moment of peace
Everybody exhausted and asleep
You forgot Junior's cupcakes off to Wal-Mart
Better gas up saving time to be smart
On the way home a ring on the cell phone
Quick trip to the airport I moan
Spouse trip cancel needs ride
It is okay you will survive
Finally in the drive way and who do you see
Shaking his head as he leaves
Death walking by, he finally gave up
He murmured about a schedule and life's a nut
So as I lay down to rest
My love's hand upon my chest
I hear the crying of a child
The boogie man awoken him in dreams wild
I sometimes wonder if it would bother me
If Death would come back and fetch me
But the note he left upon my door
My soul is mine till I'm ninety-four
He did not have time for me to be about
Death came a knocking while I was out


Details | Rhyme | |

The Advantages of Being a Dog

The Advantages of Being a Dog

By Elton Camp

A dog never worries about what to wear
For he comes equipped with a coat of hair

Most anything he finds, he’s able to eat
His digestive enzymes with germs compete

If he feels sick and then barfs up his food
He can eat it again and not be thought rude

Fido scratches himself in embarrassing places
Yet nobody seeing it makes disgusted faces

When another dog comes to visit or to stay
He can sniff its behind and that’s okay

If he impregnates some other canine
Everyone thinks that it is just fine

A mutt doesn’t have to learn to read or write
Algebra factoring will not get him in a tight

He doesn’t worry about work or paying bills
To get a sporty new car gives him no thrills

Then no matter how bad his conduct may be
At death, from any fear of hellfire he is free

A dog’s life is one of privileges so great
That many humans would like to emulate


Details | Rhyme | |

The Saint Pattys Hat

Every year he brings it out,puts it upon his head This year the hat is gone,his questions I'll dread Last year when he came home hung it on a chair I fouind it on the floor, tore up beyond repair My dog got that hat, so in the garbage can it went Now he searches for it,many hours has he spent Have you seen my hat dear?No not since last year So I told a little lie, at least my dog wont die His Saint Pattys hat is gone, but my dog will live on So he bought another one, on top a ball sits there I hope when he comes home, he hangs it on the chair carolann crowley rewite 3/24/2012


Details | Rhyme | |

A Dog In The House

A Dog in the House

By Elton Camp

Visitors know he’s there when they enter the door
For there’s a rank odor that they’ve smelled before

It’s one that only a fanatical dog lover could please
A powerful mixture of dog food, urine and feces

The next thing that hapless visitors won’t believe
Those small, brown, jumping insects on their sleeve

Then there is Fido himself, on the couch making a bed
“Please come in and have a seat,” the dog owner said

After pushing aside a dirty blanket, they sit down
But the wonderful Fido soon comes looking around

The filthy varmint gives an unexpected jump
Right into the horrified visitor’s lap, kerplunk

The visitor screams and tries to push Fido away
“He wants to give you a kiss,” the owner will say

The visitors remember the need to be somewhere
And that they have but a few minutes to get there

But reminders of precious Fido they don’t lack
His hairs on their clothes, both front and back



Details | Acrostic | |

DOGSs acrostic

                              DOGS


D eliberately messy, he is full of puppy crazy joy,
O ff to fetch each ball my feeble arm can send,
G ives me my paper from the morning paper boy--
S lobber makes the daily news more palatable to comprehend.

Victoria Anderson-Throop ©
12-25-12


Details | Ballad | |

bad childrens storys

humpty dumpty sat on a wall
when he knew his big butt was going to fall
why did he even get up there at all
a round guy on a tiny ledge
so he fell off and crack his head 
now humpty dumpty is just scrambled eggs

jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of ,yea right
that boy did;nt follow her just for water that night
i think he cause they had a fight
you know what it sounds like to me  
like he was just working on a strategry
another little love story ending up in tradergdy

old mother hubbard went to the cubbard to get her poor dog a bone
now why did she go there knowing her cubbards were bare 
and she didnt have  any food of her own
instead of wasting time looking on the shelf
she should let the dog go and fend for himself

but my favorite is the three little pigs
now here  a story that i can really dig 
even though the big bad wolf blew thier house down
 those little pigs still stood their ground
kinda like red riding hood did 
when that wolf tried to diguise himself
 in her grandmothers wig

 we tell these story to our kids
just like our parents and their parents did
we add our own words in from time to time 
putting a whole new view on nursery rymes
as we lose ourself in the stories we often wonder why
because we know in real life fairy tales are just a lie


Details | Rhyme | |

The Dog and The Flea

The dog and the flea decided to compete
The dog said to the flea, ‘I bet you can’t get me.’
The flea said to the dog, ‘you wait and see.’
‘I can get you what ever you do,
 you can’t get away from me.’

The dog said to the flea,’ I can run faster that you can hop.
You don’t stand a chance, your hop I can stop.’
I can hop high and get you from on top
Said the flea to the dog, the dog was a bit shocked.
You can’t fool me said the dog to the flea
I can jump higher than you can even see.
.
The dog and the flea stood looking at each other
Neither wanted to give way.
The flea hopped up high, high in the sky
The dog yelped and jumped as though he could fly.
It was a mistake the flea landed on the dog, 
the dog landed on the ground.
Neither the flea nor the dog won that day.
As they were hit by the truck the corner coming round.



Details | Verse | |

Who's smarter now

Dogs, are man's best friend
who's most endearing quality is 
an unbound willingness 
to do our bidding

Cats, are like prodigies or savants
who's most endearing quality is
an unbound resistance
to do the same


Details | I do not know? | |

vengence of the Postman lol


I punch in at 5 am, every non holiday
I go through my route, and walk all the way.
I recieve the complaints for lost or late letters
I try to convince myself it will get better

Then I park my truck at the end of willow bee lane.
That's when the fear hits and I start to go insane,
I stop by the Wilson's, the Reed's and the Jone's house too
Then I approach the place that makes me feel blue

I look around me with the fear of a smuggler
I would much rather be attacked by a mugger
I open the gate, I am half way to the door
Then I hear the same sound I have heard before

With a growl, a snarl, and the bareing of teeth,
It's that stupid sparky coming just to bite me.
I run and I run but I just can't make a break
I tripped over the stanley's "darling sons' skate

with the lift of his leg, and a smirk on his doggy face
he lets me know, again that this is his space.
he kicks up the dry dirt all over my head,
I knew, I shouldn't have gotten out of bed.

The guys make jokes about my bright yellow stain,
this is unreasonable conditions, it's quite insane.
I asked them to switch routes with me, they refused
I am so tired of feeling so  abused and used

but, in the middle of the night, I awoke with a plan
It can not fail me, no more troubles for this man.
I would get Sparky to forever leave me alone
But how? I could try and poison a dog bone

No that won't work, they surely can tell
and if I kill a dog I will go straight to hell
but how do I take down my nemesis for good
what to do, should i do, what I should?

"you can't blame the dog if owners are in charge!"
That's it.." to get even with the Pvt. you go after the sarge"
So there I sit outside their house at a quarter 'til three
I seen the owner come out, a Mister Rick Stanley

I remembered his face, I remembered it well,
I complained on his dog and he said " go to hell"
He let Sparky bite me, Sparky ruined my life!!
I spent so much time plotting revenge, I lost my wife!

So rick was headed down the stairs, straight for his car,
but, I just chuckled, I knew he wouldn't get too far. 
why? well I had poured 3,120 bb's on the walkway
in the exact spot where Sparky pee'd on me yesterday

There lay rick on the ground, in a crying fit,
I laughed and laughed so loud I didn't give  sh*t,
when he recognized me, his face to the sky,
I smiled real wide and unzipped my fly.........

 katei
P.S just a reminder to be nice to your mail man they are all crazy lol


Details | Rhyme | |

So Your Dog Is Your Baby

So Your Dog Is Your Baby, Huh?

By Elton Camp

If you want to see it that way, fine with me
But I think that it’s just as silly as can be

If the dog’s your baby, you better watch
I just saw your “baby” licking his crotch

Unless my eyesight somehow does deceive
Your “baby,” flea powder needs to receive

Go to the doctor and better not be late
For somebody your “baby” did castrate

More is wrong without any doubt
Your “baby’s” hair is falling out

And I hope you don’t too much mind
Your “baby” sniffed another’s behind

If you think your dog is your child
Understand why I sneered & smiled


Details | Rhyme | |

Why It's Better to Have Dogs Than Children

Why It’s Better To Have Dogs Than Children

By Elton Camp

(Any who follow my writes regularly know that I’ve posted many poems against dogs being kept in the house and even being treated as if they are humans.  This has generated a number of outraged comments from dog lovers.  This one tries to placate them somewhat.  My actual beliefs are unchanged, however.)

Getting a dog may cost some dough
Not as much as having a kid, though
Decide you don’t want a dog around
No problem to drop him at the pound

With cost of everything being so high
It’s rather nice, Pampers not to buy
Neither mother nor any one of the rest
Insist feeding should be from the breast

Fido will usually come when you call
But a child may not do like that at all
A dog hasn’t a speck of financial greed
A constant supply of money doesn’t need

A dog can be fed on scraps from the table
To do that with a child, you aren’t able
Your clothes a dog will never ask to wear
And she lets you decide how to do her hair

Even if your dog should decide to go far
He will never once ask to borrow the car
And you don’t have to worry you’ll choke
Because no dog will ever decide to smoke

For a college education you needn’t save
About the latest fashions, a dog won’t rave
Another reason that a dog makes you smile
If she gets pregnant, you can sell her chile


Details | Sonnet | |

my dog

                                I have a feeling 
                         that my dog is so spoiled
                  that she doesnt like dog food anymore
           apperently she want's filet min yung and lobster 
              well this isint the surf and turf doggie cafe
               get your head outa your furry butt
                             and eat your alpo
                   


Details | Rhyme | |

Curse Of The Dog

One fine day while shovelling snow from upon my sidewalk
I noticed a huge hairy dog on a big shiny white rock
He wagged his little bushy tail and ran with jolly up to me
and lifted up his right hind leg and on my leg he peed
Redfaced mad and humiliated,I chased him down the street
I followed him with full regard for what he did to me
I chased him to an alley and into a dark backyard
He ran into an old woodshed and hit the shed but hard
Down and out, he was laying, twitching on the ground
I had tried to read the printing on his collar I had found
I ran in fear of being caught for what I may have done
And ran into a big huge witch who must have weighed a ton
She looked and said "That was my dog" as I shook my dizzy head
"He used to be a damn good dog, but now he is damn good dead!" 
I said "Good" and walked away with a grin upon my face 
No more dog to pee on me and put me to disgrace
Back at home still shovelling snow, I heard a whining sound
I turned and looked to my dismay, "That dog is still around?"
I seen the witch who owned the dog, she smiled and sadi to me
"My dog is fine and my oh my, you should have let him be!" 
With and evil laugh the stare, she said "Sick em!" clear and loud
I shovelled him up into the air, so high he broke a cloud
Finally he landed hard, and hit a speeding car
The dog flew like a football far off to distant stars
The old witch, shocked, left in a rage and went back to her home
We knew that dog ain't coming back and no more shall he roam
Here you have the story of a dog, some man's best friend
For any dog that pees on me to doggy heaven I will send
Before I resumed shovelling snow, I looked up to the sky
Then it started raining yellow drops on my face, don't ask why!!!




Details | Rhyme | |

The Little Sky-Fall Man (part 1)

He fell one stormy midnight clear,
His feet upon his head,
He deaf of mouth and blind of ear,
All purple, green and red.

He dined politely on a rose,
Then with a speckled hen,
He quickly drew himself a nose,
And put it on again.

He paid the hen all shiny pound,
Then gave his ear a flick,
A tiny thought leapt to the ground,
And scurried up a stick.

"Hello there little sky-fall man,
A bildog, blain and ned.
I live inside your gumble mind,
That's right, inside your head".

"My name is wonder where and how
And who and what and why,
And what you're wondering right now?
How fell you from the sky?"

Down trouble eye our little man
Shed single Silver tear,
As off to forge some further plan,
Thought flew back down his ear.

So down he stood and set he off
To answer up his quest,
His head puffed out, his feet aloft
And walking on his chest.

He walked through woods where gilbroks played
Upon the purple moss,
With trees all trunked of plasticine
And leaved with candy floss.

For three long days but not so long
He walked on through the wood,
Until he heard a silver song
that tickled 'neath his hood.

The song it came from purple rock
Amid the Numbum trees,
Upon the rock, the Dandy-dock
Sat singing to the bees.

"All hail the Dandy," our friend cried
Before the purple stone,
"Hello there!" Dandy-dock replied
"My haven't how you've grown!"

"I am afraid I cannot help"
The Dandy softly groaned,
"You must search out the Bollynelp
Near the lake of Sollynoad"

So off he trekked to find the stream
That led out to the lake,
Across the lands of pink ice-cream
And plains of chocolate cake.

The stream ran on and skipped and played,
And sang it's tales of old,
But in the lake the waters stayed,
All tinged with green and gold.

High in a tree beside the shore
The Bollynelp sat chatting,
He talked a little then some more
Of chalk and cheese and matting.

"I'm sorry," called this strange old bird
To our hero down below,
"A quest like yours I've never heard
But the Dumble dog will know"

"The Dumble dog I'm sure you'll see
Upon that distant beach
Where our fine land does cease to be
And the jelly ocean's reach"

He thanked the Bolly with a sigh
And turned towards the shore,
And off he walked, still feet held high,
And chest upon the floor.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Little Sky-Fall Man (part 2)

For many miles he travelled fast,
For many travelled slow,
He passed through lands of Dagganast
Where moonbeam trees do grow.

Eventually he saw the place
Where jelly met the land,
And beaming beams upon his face
He rolled onto the sand.

He giggled softly when he found
Upon the rainbowed beach,
The Dumble dog was running round
Collecting shells to teach.

"Ah here you are" the Dumble called,
All smiling at our friend.
"I have been waiting, are you prepared
To find your journey's end?"

"You really know" our man replied,
"The answer to my task?
You know how fell I from the sky
And all the things I ask?"

"Of course" the Dumble dog did grin,
"were you in any doubt?
Now sit down tight while I begin,
We'll soon sort all this out"

"Now little friend you've travelled fraught,
And seen things on your way,
And worried lots about the thought
That sent you to my bay"

"Now worry's done I can reveal
Beside this jelly green,
Now let my words, your heart to heal,
This all is just a dream"

"That's right, you're fine, you are not here,
Take worries from your head.
You fell not on this midnight clear,
You're tucked up in your bed"

"And now it's time for me to leave,
Your dreamtime's nearly done.
You must wake up, I do believe
I hear the rising sun"

With that the Dumble disappeared
With jelly sea and shore,
As tucked inside his snuggly bed
He found himself once more.

He rubbed his eyes and up he sat
Back home inside his room,
With thoughts of quests and strange new lands
That he would revisit soon.

Then out he stretched all cosy warm,
And opened up his hand,
And there upon his sleepy palm
Lay a single golden grain of sand.


Details | Chastushka | |

Positions

My dog gets in positions,
That make me shake my head.
If I tried such positions,
I surely would be dead.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans 
08.25.2014
3rd


Details | Sestina | |

ROXY, THE ROTTWEILER

Roxy as the loudest rottweiler in Waterbury, an historic town in Connecticut,
Roxy was a vigilante dog, which never let a stranger or a burglar in;
once this ranch home was a haven, thanks for the love she had shown!
While I was watching my favorite movie, she joined in with interest; 
I padded her to let her know that I approved of her curiosity,
and I spoiled her with foods that dogs shouldn't eat: like cookies and pastry! 



On the sunniest days of spring and summert, we spent many hours playing, I threw the ball
and she would find it anywhere on the lawn and bring it back breathing heavily;
whoever says that dogs can't be human?....They have already proven that to us
by being our best friends! A dog can rescue a child from a burning house,
and jump into the coldest pool and bring that baby unharmed to safety;
and many of them take risks that we wouldn't take, to protect us in dangerous situations!



Canines have been our bodyguards since ancient times...Homer, the blind poet, had one, too,
but what they don't have is a spirit like ours, that spirit which returns, upon death, to God;
and will they ever go to Heaven with us? Our answer should be no, but the odds of taking  
them with us, wouldn't be favorable, so we must leave them behind in their earthly dwelling! 
When we'll be resurrected by Christ, we'll remember these loyal and dear companions
that shared our affections, our joy of loving, and our same fate: living and dying like we do!
     



Roxy was the gentlest and the most affectionate dog that ever lived, Roxy kept me from harm;
and what she gave was more than anyone could ever give! And my appreciation and gladness
were demonstrated in my caring ways: making sure she was well-fed and had plenty 
of water to drink, when I would be gone for hours...and on my return, she would greet me 
with a loud bark, and licking my cheeks, she jumped on me and tickled me with her paws!  
Roxy was a gift from a neighbor who died alone; she entrusted her to me, and called me son!


Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | Couplet | |

Truffles

Chocolate brown, with smoldering bronze eyes.
 A faithful companion, and a dog in disguise.

Half chocolate lab, and half red pit bull.
 Calm as can be when we're having a staring duel.

The only dog I know, who falls asleep standing up.
 She's been this way ever since she was a new born pup.

She'll sit in your lap like she weighs a mere five pounds.
 Believe me, its just as funny to picture as it sounds.

We treat her like a part of the family, and not at all like a dog.
 She's overweight, so good luck getting her to go for that healthy jog.

I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world!
 She'll always be my precious angel, my baby girl.









*Note* Truffles are my FAVORITE candy and we got our puppy right before Valentines day, so
being as she's half "chocolate" lab, eh why not name her "Truffles", so yes I know we are
strange, LOL!!!!


Details | Free verse | |

The Good Old Days (and) OH THOSE MEMORIES

Hop Scotch,
Whoola Hoops,
Metal Skates,
Skinned knee fates.

Tricycles,
Bicycles.
Motorcycles,
Dripping popsicles.

Hot wheels,
Pin wheels,
Bob Barker's big deals
Spinning on all wheels

Paper dolls,
Sillly phone calls,
Cartoon bits,
Howdy Doody skits.

Mickey Mouse,
Mighty Mouse,
Minny's Micky's spouse,
Vist Little Rascalls club house.

Poodle skirts,
Ben Casey shirts,
Castles made, digg'n dirt,
Boy next door, fun to flirt.

Linda Terrell
March 24, 2010



OH THOSE MEMORIES OF LONG AGO

Superman loved Lois,
Gospel our parent told us,
Ricky loves Lucille Ball, 
Globe trotters, oh so tall.

The first Alvin, Simon, and Theadore,
Sweeper salesmen at our door,
In bobby socks, all girls dressed 
Angora wrapped rings, We felt so blessed


Ymmm! Moms prize dessert,
Oh my the fun, of a growing spirt
Ahhh! Those memories, I am so glad,
And all the licks on my face, of the dog I had.

Nothing can now compares
No double dog dares
Saturday night isn't the same
But oh those memories, in my mind I frame.

Linda Terrell
March 24, 2010


Details | Free verse | |

A Love Poem

A Love Poem

Get under my shoe.
Crawl down there and flatten.
Spread yourself, ooze
Between the cracks of my heels,
Solidify with old gum and dog hair and
Stay there.
Squish when I tip to the balls of my feet,
Sink into cement,
Drown out in the moist heat of
Baltimore sunshine.
Stick to the blacktop,
Leave small chunks of yourself behind to
Dry out and crust over
For a dog to nibble,
Or a bum to piss on,
Or a crow to pick at
He’ll peck out your eyes, 
At least what’s left of them.
I’ll track the rest of you home through
Back alley water and random piles of
Dog shit.
Then I’ll loosen and scrape you with
An old gnarly stick,
Fling your remnants across my front porch and
Walk inside,
Without thought,
Leave you there to
Ponder your shit-and-scum-covered existence before the
Noonday rains come and wash you away.


Details | Narrative | |

What the Dog Saw

My husband and I often walk down to the local corner shop at dusk to pick up a couple off ice-cold beers. There’s this little house with a white picket fence where a tiny dog with a loud bark lives. As soon as he gets a whiff of us he goes absolutely berserk. Here’s what I imagine he is saying. 


The little dog sees legs: 


Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop, wait a minute you guys, HEY! HEEY! Where are you going? Take me with you. Stop, stop for a minute. For the love of God STOP! Murder! Do did you hear me buddy? I said Murder! Murder! There’s been a brutal bloody murder! My masters buried in the back garden. Under the roses. I saw my new master kill him. I am living with a murderer! HELLO! There’s a man buried in the garden and no one listens to me. What is wrong with you humans? Why doesn’t anyone ever listen to me? I’m a dog for Christ’s sake we see everything. I’m so stressed out right now. So stressed out. I think I’m next. Take me with you, please! Why aren’t you stopping? 

The legs pass: 

Dead silence.


Details | Rhyme | |

Precious

Precious



Our special dogs' name is Precious
She is very playful and funny too
The kids really enjoy her antics
Let me tell you about a few

My daughter Chaunte sat on the sofa 
Eating a sandwich this particular day
When Precious jumped on the end table
Ran on the sofa and took Chauntes' sandwich away

My son Marcus is somewhat disabled
And Precious takes advantage of him I dread
He left a sandwich on the computer table
Precious ate the meat but left him the bread

When at the dinner table Precious had no favorites
She got under the table hoping for food to fall
She went from child to child for handouts
She'd get so full she couldn't come when you call

Poor Marcus would take Precious outside for exercise
But when he wanted her to come back in
She'd look at him and just continue to run around
If he tried to catch her she knew she would win


Details | Burlesque | |

THE KID WHO TALKS LIKE A GUY

Down the interracial, middle-class block
there's a kid who talks like a mature guy...
using words only a grown-up man does,
" It's awesome to be cool! Let's have a fist fight!"
One evening, he drank from a can 
he thought was a soft-drink...no, it was beer!
ah, he started laughing and throwing rocks,
infurating the lady next door who let her dog loose....
Poor kid he was chased for blocks
by a vicious poodle and as small as the dog was 
he mauled the volley ball he carried.
" Get away from me, doggy! " he hollered
by kicking his his legs and calling for help.
News spread like fire and all the kids
came to see what was happening.
"Bring me my water gun, he told them...
I got to shoot him down before he bites me! " 
And glancing at the agitated poodle 
showing his sharp teeth, he pressed down
the trigger on his water gun saying, 
" I am a cop...freeze! You going to jail! "
There was no hesitation on the dog's part,
he ran as if chasing a cat who stole his bone. 
  


Details | Free verse | |

Don't look back

Don't look back
As you walk out the door.
Don't look back
You leave you love behind 
No more fun and no more hugs 
Don't look back.
It's hard for you to go 
But you're the one that has to do it.
So don't look back 
Just be a good dog and go for a walk outside in the cold 
And don't look back.


Details | Rhyme | |

Becky and the Toad

Am dog watching at my sisters
When her pooch comes in from the grass
Dangling from her mouth is a leg of a toad
The rest is in her mouth

Geez I thought now its trouble
The blasted toad  popped  out
Just as Becky rolled on the floor
Eyes rolling and tongue hanging out

I washed out her mouth with fresh water 
As I call the vet from my phone
Can u come immediately
Stupid dog has caught a toad

She is lying on the floor eyes rolling
Am worried that she will die
Vet said am on my way
I sat down and started to cry

My sister’s going to kill me
If Becky isn’t here when theyre  home
I’m going kill Becky for getting me 
Into this nightmare alone

Vet arrives as Becky
Starts  snoring , dreaming of  the next doors boy
Was after the vet handed me the large bill
I noticed the toad was a toy.


Details | Rhyme | |

Nowhere Fast

She came and she went, from Scotland to Kent
it took her 5 days and so many ways
on her way home, nearly hit a dog with bone
she needed a phone and somewhere to moan
unsure where to go, she wandered alone, she got buried by snow
she was dumbfounded and also surrounded
she turned into ice and thought it not nice
when the dog that she missed, cocked his leg up and pissed
the block that had trapped her, thawed, melted, unwrapped her
she got in her car and had to go far
but at the end of her road, she ran over a toad.
Skidding she crashed, patience was all thrashed an' the car completely trashed
her head was all bashed cut open an' gashed
the White Light it flashed and upwards she dashed!
©John-Ovan.P.Hull


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Musical Sherlock Bones

I have a dog that lives with me his name is Sherlock Bones,
He loves to sing his songs to me in beautiful Bloodhound tones.

He sings a song of deep regret when he does something wrong,
It’s as mournful as he can get but it never lasts too long.

He’s too happy to let a bad feeling last when there’s time to play,
That’s when he sings his joyous song; it’s his favorite time of day.

If I should ask him if he would like to walk the path at the park,
He sings a whole aria of squeaks and hums then crescendos with a bark.

And when he curls up on the couch to sleep he has talent yet to lend,
Because even when he’s sound asleep he’s still musical at each end.

My dog’s got the music in him and it keeps trying to get out,
So I’ve learned to stop feeding him with beans with sour kraut.

Sometimes I will join him and we will howl up at the silvery moon,
He’s happy that I’m with him and never complains if I’m out of tune.

Oh, Sherlock Bones is a musical dog and he sings with all his might,
And I love to hear him sing his songs just not in the middle of the night.


Details | ABC | |

Ridin' Dirty On My Moped

In Carolina there is no helmet law
As my girlfriend complains, all I hear is blah, blah, blah
She is still stewing over me buying all the accessories in the catalog
I tell her to bow down to me, I am now the Big Bad Dog
I am now sportin' my new leather chaps
Up side the head, from her I get a smack
I will mark a new territory the Hell's Angels would fear to tread
Looking hard and ridin' dirty on my Moped
At this point, I tear the sleeves off my blue jean jacket
She tells me to stop trying to Mac It
I smile with my Gold tooth displayed
She tells me I need help, she drops to her knees to pray
Then she asks me if I stopped taking my Meds
I tell her I really love you, it's a Two seater, we can both ride dirty on my Moped
I tell her I haven't shaved for Five days
She says she sees the peach fuzz on my face
I look at her and tell her I am a 15 year old trying to make it in this dog eat dog society
Either get on or get out and miss my noteriety
She says she's had enough and besides it's almost curfew
So I depart to the trailer park and pick up that floozy Gracie Lou
I tell her to hang on, it could get wild, I am what they call pure white bread
She grabs my waist and is ready to ride dirty on my Moped
It can't get any dirtier, a trailer girl that smells real bad
I look back and recall, this was the best summer I ever had


Details | Rhyme | |

Dog That Wears a Cone

(this is a little form I cooked up last year and called it 7/5 trochee. I like to use it for fun little 
tales. Saw this dog the other day!)

Little dog nearby my house,
cone around his neck.
Guess if he could talk, he’d bark:
What the bleeping heck?

What’s the mutt supposed to do
if he wants a bone,
with his head so tiny stuck
deep inside that cone?

Do his doggy buddies laugh,
seeing him like that?
He can’t even catch a break.
Sure won’t catch a cat!

Next I see him trying to
poke his scraggly head,
not with great success at all,
in a flower bed.

I should tell his owner that
cones look pretty lame.
Let the poor thing stay inside;
Save his hide from shame!

Anyway, the sight of him
made me come right home -
after a good chuckle - to
write this silly poem!


Details | Verse | |

Maybe This House Is Haunted

I’m not the superstitious type, 
Let’s say I’m an agnostic. 
Last night, laying in bed, she told me 
she heard a strange noise in the house,
to which I said, maybe the house is haunted,
to which she said, well if it is, I’m out of here.

That got me thinking.  What if it is haunted?
After all it is an old house, slightly sad 
and isolated.  Until she came, we were 
two outcasts, the dog and I, united
in our filth and bad habits.  Until she came
in a hygienic wave of regime change.

Now that I’m clean, and the dog is 
Soon to be dog gone, I have started 
to listen and feel.  So many details,
unexplained, incomplete, especially
late at night when we can’t sleep.  
These things that just get in between.

It takes two, to conjure up the dead,
One to invoke, and one to believe
Without a witness, there is no fear.
Did you hear that, there it is again
to which I said, maybe the house is haunted,
to which she said, well if it is, I’m out of here.


Details | Blank verse | |

Dog Ownership

  Dog owndership is not for me nor is the
dog walking buisness even if someone was
to pay me a fee or buy me a car and
throw in a house that's free of mice

  Dogs always have to stop and sniff around often
 even and lag way behind especially if their person
wants to contine walking and thinking out loud while
assuming that the dog is close by to find out that's not
true

   Dogs usually want to be good or so trainers claim
 but training a dog is a stressful challenge although 
 it's great to have  one's dog in the car at Taco Bell
 and there's nobody else with whom to share

    It's harder still when one's dog seemingly starts to
   have a hearing problem and runs away from the driveway
  as if confused on a hot day and then runs back home before
  it can be found- I like certain kinds of dogs but to own one just
  isn't for me.


Details | Couplet | |

VCBFJF KD R

VCBFJF    KD    R       ( MY   DOG   WENT   OUT )



(Xsfaahjim  Version)

Vcbfjf  kd   r  utrn  fk   ejn  m  ddk
Kroeme  soent  vpv  vv  a  s  frt   rtrmkrkrn 


(English version)

My dog went out one day
To find some kids  and see them play

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Normal Note in all competitions  states that
  
“Poems should be in English. Poems translated from other languages are not eligible, unless you wrote both the original poem and the translation.“ 

This poem is my own, translated by me,  written by me  originally in Xsfaahjim,  a little known language of New Guinea, where I worked as a  teacher for many years. This language is so little known that it is not even mentioned on Google.  Let no one plagiarise this poem, in English or in  Xsfaahjim ,  because I will surely know.


Details | Rhyme | |

Reincarnated

I always thought it was impossible for a person to reincarnate but I learned that they can.
After I died, I reincarnated but I didn't come back to life as a man.
I came back to life as a dog and my wife is my owner.
Even though I'm a dog, she still gives me a boner.
I was shocked when I looked in the mirror and saw that I'm a Saint Bernard.
Some times my wife tries to date men but I chase them and I bite them hard.
When I was a Human, I had elegance and class.
But last night I bit a chunk out of a man's ass.
Certain things put me in a bad mood.
One of which is having to eat Dog Food.
Being near my wife is intoxicating and it's sure to please.
But I'm about to itch to death because of these damn fleas.
I'll stop my wife from dating men until I die, that's what I'll do.
If you ever try to date my wife, I'll take a big chunk out of you.

(This is a fictional poem)


Details | Rhyme | |

Me and my rhymes

There was an old lady
That lived in a shoe
Had so many kids
And adopted me too

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
I wish he'd stop
stealing my candle sticks

Little miss muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curd and way
I sat down beside her 
She told me to go away

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white as snow
And every where mary went
She didn't ask me to go

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
I ran up the hill and grabbed the pail
Just to here them holler

Old mother hubbard
went to the cubboard
To fetch the dog a bone
Distracted by the phone
I grabbed the dog and
Took the poor thing home


Details | I do not know? | |

i love my nan

god bless her
my old nan,
she's blind as a bat
and 91,

she has a dog called
winni the wisp,
he's got no teeth
and barks with a lisp,

they both cant see me
when i'm there,
my nan the dog they
have no hair,

hey nan i'm going
to make us some tea,
she passed the remote
for the tv,

no nan i'm making a brew,
a nice cup of tea
for me and you.

she's sat there talking
to the settee,
laughing and joking
while i make the tea.

the dog is barking 
at the floor,
he thinks he's sat 
at the front door.

whats wrong with 
the dog nan,
he's looking sad,
dont worry dear he's 
going mad.

what with nan
and winni the same,
both barking mad 
and totally insane,

i'm going home nan
its time to go,
as she struggles
to reach the floor.

from the settee
to the door,
its about 9foot 4,
ive been waiting
an hour she aint 
reached the door.

the dogs gone in
the opposite way,
looking for nan
what can i say,
god bless them both 
i'm on my way.


Details | Ballad | |

His name is Jane S the hot dog man

His name is Jane S, that is the hot dog man, Morals or survial
Mac Nation, creation, the hot dog man, are hot dogs for
everyone, Mac Nation, creation, morals morals surivial Mac
Nation Creation Surivial Mac Nation the Hot dog man is here
Moral Jane S that is,  the Hot Dog man Mac Nation Creation


Details | Rhyme | |

My Pet Rocks Tragic Accident

I have a pet rock that i carry everywhere
I love him take care of him treat him with care
I gave him some clothes that fit just right
I gave him a bed to stretch out at night
I gave him a TV for his hockey game
A birth certificate so my friend would have a name
He was sad cause he was small
So i called him bolder to make him feel tall
Bolder was taking a nap one sunny day
When along came the dog and swept him away
I jumped from my chair to try and save my friend
But tragically boulders life came to an end
Than i thought could a rock survive an accident of this kind 
Than i remembered what i did when my dog ate my dime
So a bag in one hand in the other the scoop
I fed my dog lots of food and waited for the poop
It took a few days but i got my friend back 
We found a home for the dog and now we have a cat


Details | Light Poetry | |

Ole Max (inspired by Andrea)

This poem is inspired by and I guess coud be in conjunction With Andrea Dietrich's wonderful 
little poem" Dog that Wears a Cone" so her's should be read first if you have not already!


We once had a Lab, black with white socks,
he was so very loveable, but I'm afraid,
dumber than a box of rocks.

For the third time that "houdini dog" got loose,
and for the third time got a bad case of porky quills.
That dog would often slip his noose.
Took him five days to get home from them hills.

The poor dog limped home almost dead,
Vet filled him with meds,
and stuck a cone on his poor little head!
and for two days he went through all Andrea said.

Then I came home and hurried,
Cause my wife called quite worried.
Seems loveable coneheaded Max acted quite sick,
it had been two days since he got into that fix.

And for two days he had not himself relieved!
We pulled off his cone so he was able to sniff,
and he made straightway for some trees,
he sniffed around and his leg he did lift...
and goodness gracious..how he peed!!!


Details | Rhyme | |

My Dog

I’ve got this dog – a mix for sure
Its pedigree is far from pure
Its mother was a mix herself
A  Shihtzu - Bichon little elf
Its father was a tramp – a bum
A mix of everything to come
That leaves my dog a unique breed
The kind of dog that no man needs
Because its mother had this fling
My dog’s a Shihtz-On Everything

mdailey   6/26/12


Details | Rhyme | |

Home Duties

It’s been a hard day at the office, but thank God it’s over now,
I’ve punched the clock and dragged myself toward me car somehow,
Those twenty minute smoko’s; and hour lunch breaks take their toll,
Between pushing pens when sitting down in what’s me working role.

Then so it becomes my daily task to walk up to me door,
And grab a beer from in the fridge and put me feet up off the floor,
Then watch the telly till its time to ring the dinner bell,
Eating with the wife and children, then enjoy another spell.

Now that’s my daily routine, which became my weekly rite,
But turning down my drive today, I caught an unfamiliar sight,
The kids are still in their pyjamas and they’re playing in the mud,
Somehow they’ve turned a tap on and the front lawn is in flood.

They’ve got stuck into the lollies leaving papers strewn around,
Our dog is wandering in the street, then the remote I duly found,
And the doors upon the wife’s car, have all been opened wide,
But none of this can quite compare to what I found inside.

The lamp was lying on its side, and the globe inside had broke.
The carpets wet and getting stained, from an upturned can of coke,
And the telly’s on a cartoon channel with the volume peaking out,
There’s every toy we’ve ever bought and clothes all spread about.

The kitchen’s full of dirty dishes, breakfast food and milk are spilt,
The fridge door is wide open, the toasters on a wobbly tilt,
There’s dog food in me coffee mug, on the hot plate there’s a brick,
I wondered what had happened to the wife…she must be feeling sick.

So I walked toward our bedroom, which is further down the hall,
And turned me nose up at the vegemite that’s scraped along a wall,
The toilet roll has been unraveled and the toothpaste has been spread,
Across the mirror in the bathroom, that lipstick has painted red. 

But when I finally made our bedroom I rushed in to take a look,
And there’s me wife curled up in bed and reading from a book,
She looked at me and gave a smile, with not a thing to say,
So in a state that mystified, I said, “What happened here today?”

She just shrugged and turned a page and answered me this way,
“You know when you come home from work and ask me every day,
What have I done, and your reply, is plain sarcastic wit,
So to show you what I do all day… today I didn’t do it”.


Details | Lyric | |

Front Porch Stepp

I'm sitting on my front porch stepp
Me my brew my dog named Shepp
Watching all the lovely people driving by 

Some even stop just to talk to me
Others drive by thinking I don't see
Some on the phone just like they're at home
All of them so scared to be alone

I'm sitting on my front porch step
Me my brew my dog named Shepp
Watching all the lovely people driving by 

If I had my way I'd just 
Make them smile
Just to make them happy each, and every mile
Just to make their journey seem, worth their while

I'm sitting on my front porch step
Me my brew my dog named Shepp
Watching all the lovely people driving by 
People driving by


Details | Limerick | |

Mister at the Dog Pound

There once was a dog born in July
With three brothers and a sister, oh my!

In five months he was taken to the pound
And there by a family with a baby was found.

Home they went, but within a month did know
That jealous of the baby the dog did grow.

So, back to the pound he was taken
But the little dog did not feel forsaken.

All his friends were waiting there
Oh my, he didn't have a care!

Brave and bored in a cage he sat
Staring across the room at a large yellow cat.

One day anoher two-legged being came by
To stare, and smile, and say with a cry:

"Look at that face ... what a face!
Oh my, I want to take him home to my place!"

"What's his name?" she asked the clerk with a sigh.
"His name is Logan", the clerk did reply.

Logan?  Logan is a strange name to be,
He doesn't look like a Logan that I can see.

But he's certainly masculine, oh my
What a barrel chest and little head held high!

Such a face so strong and wise,
With those big limpid brown eyes.

He looks for all the world to see
Well ...  he looks like a, like a Mister to me!

So Mister the Dog found a home
Leaving his friends at the pound all alone.


Details | Ballad | |

His name is Jane S the hot dog man

His name is Jane S, that is the hot dog man, Morals or survial
Mac Nation, creation, the hot dog man, are hot dogs for
everyone, Mac Nation, creation, morals morals surivial Mac
Nation Creation Surivial Mac Nation the Hot dog man is here
Moral Jane S that is,  the Hot Dog man Mac Nation Creation


Details | Light Poetry | |

Duke's Dog Do Poo Poo Pick-Up

Did your Dad tell you too
But the video game is in
Did Mom say you must
But the TV controller seems to be stuck
Did Sis tell you NO
And you really hate her guts
Did your brother say Shut UP
Butt you know he's a butt
You know you really have too
But you can't seem to get up
Too Do The Dreaded Dog Do Pick Up
Did you wait a little bit to long and it all turned to rock
Did it all turn to mush with the big storm we just got
Did the neighbor plug his nose because your mutt goes to much 
But your eye are stuck to the Boob Tub
So what should you do about all that Smelly Dog Poo Poo
Just pick up your phone and call 
Duke's Dog Do Poo Poo Pick Up 
The rates are great just fifty-cents a pile
Not much of a wait  So don't hesitate
Emergency Dumps Twenty-Five extra
Have the time use that Dime and don't forget to ask about
The Senior Citizen Dog Do Discount


Details | Light Poetry | |

Doggy doos

There’s dog poo on the carpet mum
There’s dog poo in the hall
There’s dog poo in the doorway mum
There’s dog poo on the wall
I don’t know how it got there
I haven’t got a clue
I only know its smelly
And it's even on my shoe.


Details | Rhyme | |

The post man and my dog

The postman and my dog
Are not the best of friends
It seems that when he visits
My dog bites his rear end

Their war is rather silent
They never say a word
Why they fight is a mystery
It’s really quite absurd

I saw the postman in the bush
Hiding from my dog
Creeping to the mail box
While crouching under a log

Then one day without notice
The postman brought a bag
Full of pounds of sausage meat
That my dog could eat and have

From then on each day the postman came
Bringing pounds of meat
And when he came to the gate
My dog was there to greet

And though it does seem bribery
I think it works quite a spell
For my dog and the postman
Now get on quite well.


Details | Rhyme | |

My dog is a scientist

My dog is a scientist
And thought I never see
I think he has a lab set up
Right underneath me

I sometimes see him reading
The paper on the floor
Mums says it’s all in my head
But I never can ignore

At night I hear noises
And see lights from below
He’s making something special
I really want to know

Then one day I heard a noise
Coming from outside
It was giant space ship
And my dog was there inside

He didn’t see me watching
But I don’t think that he thought
That anyone was watching
Or that he would get caught

The next morning I woke up
Lying in my bed
Had I been dreaming
Was it all in my head?

And then I saw the clue
That would give him away
His reading glasses on his head
As he slept that day

I gently woke him up
And showed the glasses there
He looked a little startled
I told him I didn’t care

He told me all dogs are scientists
And live on earth in disguise
And work on secret projects
As dogs are very wise

So next time look at your dog
Take a closer look
For it probably is a scientist
Reading that mechanical book!


Details | Rhyme | |

WHAT THE

Have a little story, 'bout a man and his dog,
His dog started to run, so the man had to jog,
They went through the park, they passed by the school,
They passed by the city dump, and the swimmin' pool,
They went through the alleys, and they went through the streets,
Striaght through the rose bushes, and the sugar beets,
They ran over the train tracks, around the cattle pens,
They ran throught the chicken yard, distrubed a bunch of hens,
They finally made it back, to the place where they live,
The dog ready to go, but the man nothin' to give,
You ask, What's the point?  What was I tryin' to say?
How come nothin' happened, along their path that day?
It pleases me that you ask, just where my mind was at,
I really have no idea, the dog was chasin' a cat!


Details | ABC | |

SURVIVING IN THE CITY

                Surviving in the city


The dog stood on the corner, looking for the cat.
The cat was at the Warf side, behind a fishing vat.

The dog was known as Rusty, an Irish setter bread.
The cat was known as Sylvester, he finds what people need.
The dog needed him a playmate, so he could plant some seeds.
For that the cat demanded meat so fresh, that it simply bleeds.

The dog had marked a hydrant, because the dog was late.
He also do-doed on a lawn that led to someone’s gate. 

The cat found that disgusting but Rusty paid his price
So he watched for lady midnight, for she was built real nice.
Lady midnight came up prancing, her tail all in a swish.
He took her for some meatballs, Midnights favorite dish.

Sylvester ran it down, what Rusty had paid for
Her cut would come right off the top, and there was nothing more.

Lady M agreed that she was in that day.
She took a bite then licked her lips and they were on there way.
When Rusty meet with Midnight, she wouldn’t take no sass
If he would get to close, she swished her hips and knocked him on hiss ass.

When Rusty got his chance, he was off before he’s in.
She winked at sly and said to rusty, I hope we meet again.

Everyone was happy, even Rusty wasn’t sad.
The edge he had was ended and he didn’t feel so bad.
Now ain’t that oh so pretty, their life there in the city.
Where Sly and Lady Midnight, finger popped to do-wah-ditty.


Details | I do not know? | |

She Looks Good/ She Looks Fine

Here she comes 
Walking down the street
What's she wearing
Looking so neat

Lime green shirt 
Really  a treat
Black dress pants
The style she tweeks

Pride walking 
Through the door
Keeps her stride
Even more

She looks good
She looks fine
Best in the neighborhood
What's that at her feet

A dog on a lease
He looks good
He looks fine
He finest kind

Prancing, dancing
Does many feats
Taunt goes the lease
He's running on those feet

The lease go taunt
Dog snatches
She suffers defeat
She looks daunt

The dog pulls, tugs
The lady lugs
She runs, he looks
Behind 

Come on your mine
She looks daunted
She looks haunted
Who is walking who

The lady in lime green
Or the Chihuahua
Who thinks he can
Boss the whole neighborhood


(Saw a woman walking a chihuahua probably weighed 3 lbs. except he was walking her.  
Thought of a song from long ago "There she comes walking down the street"  don't 
remember title or artist but thought I need to give credit here.)


Details | Rhyme | |

Monkeying and Horsing Around

Absorb what you observe as quite absurd,
have fun with wacky wit that's seldom heard.

       For instance, watch a shrieking monkey
           monkey with a monkey wrench,
               or a horse as it hoarsely horses
                   around with a horseshoe on a bench;

       you'll find that, neighing hoarsely,
           the monkey will horse around the bench
               as noisily as a shrieking shod horse
                   monkeying with a wrench;

       or hear a dog doggedly bark
           at dog-eared books about cats,
               or see some turtles crane their necks
                   like cool giraffes wearing straw hats;

       in time, the dog will learn to meow,
           to stretch its neck, to wear some hats,
               as turtles try to bark and read books
                   about giraffish dogs and cats.

Observe you've just absorbed something absurd,
some wacky words are better read than heard.


Details | I do not know? | |

Cat the Bounty Hunter

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm a bounty hunter and my name is Cat.
But people don't give a man respect with a name like that.
I called myself Dog at first but I didn't realize that name was stolen.
The real Dog beat me senseless and my face is still swollen.
Bailjumpers always kick my butt when I try to bring them in.
I made a pass at Dog's wife and he beat the hell out of me again.
When I tried to bring a man in yesterday, he hit me in the balls with a bat.
He hit them so hard that he mashed them flat.
They look like two tiny pancakes and they're bruised.
Being a bounty hunter wasn't a good career for me to choose.


Details | Quatrain | |

The Naming of Dogs

The naming of dogs is a serious matter,
as dogs are, by nature, a serious lot.
A name sets the tone for a pup’s pranks and patter;
and long into dog-hood. So, give it some thought.

Call a pup BOZO, he’ll just be a clown,
playing dead, pirouetting when you command “DOWN!”
If you dub your dog KING, you’ll be swelling his head;
he’s born to do nothing, he’s royally-bred.

You could call a dog BOOMERANG (comes when you call);
or SNAPPY, or FIDO (most faithful of all).
But to be realistic, here’s my advice.
It takes so much training to make a dog nice.

You give a command of obedience, NOW!
The dog’s suddenly deaf, he says “Say what?” or “How?”
So christen him WHY? – philosophical pup.
When you say “WHY SIT!” he’s bound to get up.

You could call him WHO ME? or perhaps NEVERMORE.
My personal choice, DON'T, no dog can ignore.
Just yell at him “DON’T COME!” He’ll see it’s his game
and run off to prove that he’s true to his name.

(with apologies to T.S. Eliot)


Details | Epigram | |

Toilet Humor

I notice sometimes when I use the bathroom,
my dog decides to come in;
he'll stare at me and take a whiff,
and there he'll pause and surely sit!
He'll go around the toilet and curl up and lay
and all I could think of is his name,
the type dog he is could be the answer,
of why he likes to be in the bathroom.
Gizmo you odd Shiitzu!


Details | I do not know? | |

Bear

Bear was a dog with silver eyes,
And a heart as lovable as all.
An over grown puppy was this canine,
But his love was ten feet tall

Good old bear was a rather big dog,
But he also looked scary as well.
He wouldn’t bite a biscuit, and hardly a flea
And he was always wagging his tail.

The only thing that bear would bite,
Was an onion and croutons it’s true
He wasn’t your typical German Sheppard  
He would do the things only Bear would do.

I was chilling out at the house one day,
When a delivery man in the driveway pulled up,
He honked his horn, I went outside,
He was scared of that overgrown pup.

Bear was sitting outside his van
Looking at him with those big silver eyes.
He was panting and drool was everywhere,
But I guess he was tricked by his size.

Yes, Bear was a dog, with big silver eyes,
And a heart that was better that gold.
He would do the funniest things of all
The funniest things that on a dog be told.


Details | I do not know? | |

Sore loser

(This is a fictional poem)

For years my favorite sport was tennis.
But I beat a guy and he became a menace.
He was so mad that he saw red.
He crammed the ball in my mouth and busted his racket over my head.
This man was hateful and quare.
I thought it was over but things didn't end there.
He came to my house one night and was going to do something that was cruel.
He was going to kidnap my dog but he got his balls bit by my pit bull.
My dog had his teeth sank into his balls and he wouldn't let go.
He begged me to get him off but I said no.
I told him I'd get him off if he'd swear never to bother me again.
He said "Okay. You win!"
For the next while his nuts were pretty sore.
My dog sank his teeth so far into the man's balls that he can't father babies 
anymore.


Details | Burlesque | |

A Titch More Of Tom's Torturously Terrrible Tidbits

I went to buy an R.V.
They said all I could afford was a Lose-a Beggo.

I bought a pair of alligator shoes.
But then I started wandering off into swamps.
Finally, I had to toss them, they were
really biting my feet.
I got arrested for tossing
an endangered species.

I got a fantastic price on a
1995 calendar.

I discovered the Missing Link.
(Of my broken chain).

Were cell phones invented for  prisoners?

I bought a hot dog from a street vendor in NYC.
I guess he didn't like my looks.
He offered me mustard gas.

Speaking of hot dogs, I bought a $500
hot dog roller-grill machine.
But then I could no longer afford the hot dogs.

I'm so dumb I used to think hot dogs
were Dobermans left out in the sun.

The waiter asked me if I wanted some
mussels.  I said I couldn't afford the 
gym membership.

What's in a name?
Letters, I guess...

I use Military time, cause I
thought the o'clocks were just
for Irish people.

Did the Ottoman Empire
build forts out of armless sofas?

Someone told me they wanted to see Tibet.
I said, "Why?...No one will win."

I couldn't afford the colon cleanser, so I got a semi-colon cleanser.

Why do they call those big eighteen wheeler trucks "Semis"?
Where's the other half?

Whoever said "All good things come to those who wait" must've had a different 
postman.

My neurologist calls me Mr. Numskull.

Someone asked me what my net worth was.  I said I pay $9.95 a month to be 
online.

I have so many electric pianos the electric company had to build another power 
plant.

Amazon doesn't like me either.  I ordered an 8mm camera- they sent me a 
loaded 9mm gun with instructions on suicide.

Have a good one, more on their way.

(If you wish to unsubscribe to Tom's 
Terrrible Tibits, Tough Nookies!)


Details | Free verse | |

Eiger counter

Eiger counter


"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water," please the water was clean after 
father and mother and the water was better than ever even after the brother but 
when eye took my bath the poor baby was lost they looked in the drain but poor 
baby was gone there forever. The moral is kept as a memorial there does not 
toss out the clean water.
A coward dies a thousand times but a hero dies but once and a man who lives 
much like a DOG is always spit upon but to be a dog still tied to the living is more 
to be desired than heroing  because the bible says a man who lives is better 
than the dead. 
We will get married in JUNE no we will marry in JULY or even MAY is better 
because the ewe is born the first time in the month of May showers and what’s in 
JULY well the CHARLAX was born and bred.
Bread was given out according to status. Workers were given the burnt bottom of 
the loaf, the family got the middle and guests got the top or the "upper crust."
The loaf of bread is still the status but now the homeless man gets his loaf 
without the burnt part on. Eye am now the uppermost crust.
Making the batter up planting the leaven worth leaving the center for mye family 
clan. 
Pease and thankzx ewe one and all for peas given do not thaw until the fall from 
vine refine the peas and make a handful last for days.
This is why the nursery rhymers’ fortold:
Peas porridge hot, peas’ porridge cold, pea’s porridge in the pot nine days old." 
Enter laughing.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would sit 
around with guests, cut off a bit of pork and "chew the fat."  Then they would toss 
the ole pigskin.
Play leap pig again. Slop the children. Smoke the hambone and root in the cellar.
What a feller this poet seems at work. He has a eiger counter at his home.


Details | Couplet | |

Words and Barks

WORDS AND BARKS

People were given a gift called speech
Most of the time they have nothing to teach

Dogs on the other hand can roll their eyes
They say more with wags and cries

Often people's unending words don't  matter
It might be better if people would bark and dogs chatter


Details | Free verse | |

Old Mother Hubbard's Night

“Stop that scratching!” she yelled,
As the dog was trying to say something 
at the door.
“What do you want from me,
I just sat down,
Could you really want any more?”
“Rough, rough” replied the dog
As he sat and begged,
Though nothing in return.
“What is it boy? Why so nuts?
For what is it do you yearn?”
At that very moment 
the dog rose its paws
and turned to look at the cupboard.
In that very second
The elderly woman
Got up and surely muttered,
“Damn dog, always wanting a bone,
I never get any rest!
I can never just sit and relax!
Damn, got up for nothing,
The cupboard is bare!”


Details | Rhyme | |

A Girl from a Little Town

In a little town, close to a park,
Lived a girl in a small house.
She had a dog, who liked to bark,
And always had a cold, black nose.

This girl grew up in the town at last,
And dreamed to leave the city fast.
Her dog was unhappy and sad,
But she decided to follow a lad

Who lived in a very big city
Without any nice dog or cat.
The boy was nice and even witty
And bore a funny, little hat.

The girl dreamed colorful dreams 
About the future, interesting life.
And she thought: “I’ve got a good wheeze,
I’ll be a beautiful, young wife!”

The boy sensed the coming prose
And vanished fast into thin air.
She had to remain in the small house
With the happy, black dog to care.


Details | I do not know? | |

Shreddy

There was a dog that loved to chew,
This love of his he'd always do,
He'd chew up shoes and rugs on the floor,
And then after that he'd chew on the door.

The dog chewed on paper until it was shreds,
He chewed on the blankets that covered the beds,
To chew on something he was always ready,
That is why they called him Shreddy!

Finally one day I brought him a bone,
But he decided to chew on the phone,
I told him no! and slapped his heels,
He started to chew on the car wheels.

This dog that I knew finally learned,
By chewing one day some wood that had burned,
It was red hot and he took a big bite,
Poor little Shreddy was a funny sight!

He went round and round and snarled and whined,
Now something to chew he will not find,
There is no reason to call him Shreddy,
To end this poem I am ready!


Details | Quatrain | |

Sleeping Problems

My day is finally complete
I can now rest my head
Next to my wife
There, sleeping in bed
The doors are all locked
I have turned off the lights
I’ve checked all the kids
And I’ve kissed them goodnight
The windows are shut
The thermometer is set
Everything is now quiet
As I rest then my head
But alas, there’s a noise
So quickly I rise
I run to the kitchen
While rubbing my eyes
Where there in the corner
Just waiting to relieve
Is the family dog, Lucky
Who whimpers to me
So I unlock the door
Turn on the backyard light
I tell her to go out
And make it quick on this night
I’ve work in the morning 
I must soon retire
But the dog did not hear me
As she ran, like on fire
She cornered a critter 
Who crawled under the fence
Then so did the dog
So outside I went
When the door had shut closed
It locked fast behind 
I hadn’t a key
I then lost my mind
For the dog had come back
With no way to get in
As I in my skivvies
Was sporting a grin
I knocked on the door
As loud as could be
The whole house had awakened
And just laughed at me 
So back to bed they went
I double checked all again
Then quickly ran to bed
And out then I went


Details | Rhyme | |

It Was Only A Dream

I dozed off on the couch last night 
My dreams took me to a place that was bright
Dazed where i was wasn't known
Trying to awaken  i felt than i wasn't alone
A fear started growing inside of me 
Trying to open my eyes so i could see
Felt as if i was being held down 
Tried to scream but their was no sound
Finally i was able to get my self awaken
That moment of fear left me a little shaken
Awakening to a big surprise
I gazed in to two big brown eyes
As my eyes were still adjusting to this 
My face was getting wetter with every kiss
This might sound romantic to some of you 
But believe me this is so not true
On top of me laid my dog like i wasn't there 
Stretched out without a care
I looked around and lights on is all that i seen
The house was lit up brighter than its ever been
I don't know why my dog felt she could lay on me 
There was plenty of space we have a sectional you see 
But why should i be surprised she done stranger things than this 
Are dog is surely to put us through a few more years of bliss




Details | Rhyme | |

Blunderdog

(This is a fictional poem)

Two years ago I bought a dog that can talk and fly.
If I said that he's intelligent, I would be telling a lie.
As he flies through the sky, he ____ on people's heads.
They beat the crap out of me and I wish that I was dead.
He always comes home filthy, I wish he would be cleaner.
He got a lot of dogs pregnant so I had to cut off his wiener.
My dog tries to be a superhero whenever he sees a crime.
The criminals put a bullet in his ___ each and every time.
He's a loveable canine but sadly he has the intelligence of a log.
You'd better carry an umbrella because here comes Blunderdog.


Details | Rhyme | |

What a Night

                    With peering eyes and wanting heart
                      I stared right through your window
                      You undressed right in front of me
                        Somehow I felt that you’d know
                           But yet you had gone further
                             As clothes fell to the floor
                               I then thought I would
                                     die, because I
                                     wanted more
                                       Then, your 
                                     light went off,
                            and you were still right
                          there, I had seen you in the
                     shadows, you called me, I could
                   swear. But as I got close enough to
                 climb in to the room, I felt a pain most
               shockingly as you hit me with your broom.
              I fell down the two stories, wishing I could 
              fly, But then I hit the ground, then I wished 
               that I would die. Feeling then came back
                to my aching arms and feet. When your
                      backdoor then opened and your 
                             rottweiler came to eat.
                                    Oh, dear me
                                          and oh
                                         dear my
                                   that dog came
                                running fast. I had 
                            hoped that I’d run faster
                    or simply just outlast, But he had
                 gotten a hold of me and bit down very
                tight. That’s when I asked myself, why’d
            I come out here this night. No answer came 
              upon me until you showed your face, You
                 pulled the dog then from me, the night
                    was not a waste. For then you felt
                         a bit sorry as you helped 
                                 me to my feet. I
                                 then introduced
                                myself to the girl
                           I had longed to meet.