Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

Funny Angst Poems | Funny Poems About Angst

These Funny Angst poems are examples of Funny poems about Angst. These are the best examples of Funny Angst poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.

Details | Limerick | |

Princess Needs A New Car

Princess just wants a new car.
I have told her that hers will go far.
'Oh, it's really not cool
driving this crap to school.'
'Do I need that emotional scar? '

'The kids will all laugh at the rust.
When we race, I'll be left in the dust! 
I will save up some cash
then we'll make a mad dash
to the car dealer surely you trust'.

'He will make us a wonderful deal
and I'm sure you will know how I feel.
I will love you so much, 
My siblings... I won't touch.
Just get me behind a new wheel'! 

Now she'll be cruisin in style.
She'll be happy for only awhile.
There will always be better
and we'll try hard to get her
a car that will make princess smile.

Details | Rhyme | |


You call this poetry
I'm sorry I must confess
Your recent work
Why, it's a complete mess
Your rhymes aren't good
The story's not compelling
Where's this going
There's really no telling
You think it's clever
I don't mean to criticize
But your latest poem
Put a hurting on my eyes
Are you embarrassed
You didn't print your name
But this looks familiar
So I'll guess just the same
What's that you say..
Oh my, can that be true
No wonder I recognized it
The poet's me and not you

Contest: Linda's "A Poem Not Entered Into A Contest #13"
Date: 9-13-14
Poet: Lyric Man

Details | Dizain | |

Creeping Naked

Wearing clothes to bed simply makes no sense I must float freely on my waterbed But when I wake in the morning, I’m tense Wrinkles from the sheets on my skin imbed Rolling out of bed, I lower my head All of my windows and blinds are open Crawling, I fear neighbors might see butt skin A snake, I slither in my birthday suit Trying to avoid boob sighting again And the tattoo that sits on my “patoot” I made a mistake reaching for my robe The rack fell down hard, landing on me Here I lay thinking my world’s out of whack I struggle but there’s no way to get free My Life Alert bracelet rang out quickly No success grabbing a sheet from the bed The rescuers arrived in warp-speed time To find a nude lady well past her prime Face down, the tattoo was now in full view Explaining what happened, I’d quite a time
*Entry for Cyndi’s “Birthday Suit” contest April 24, 2012

Details | Rhyme | |

Call Me Insensitive

You call me insensitive,
But I don't believe that's true;
Because, you see,
It's all about me.
It's not about you.

You say your opinion doesn’t matter,
That I’ve no respect for your point of view;
But I do if we agree,
Because it’s all about me.
It’s not about you.

You say I’ve no compassion,
No feelings for your troubles or your blues;
But none of us is issue free,
And mine are all about me;
But…not about you.

A time old adage, 
“To thine own self be true.”,
Is all about choices you see.
My choices are all about me,
And, certainly, not about you.

So, when free or forced to make your choices
You’ll understand and know it’s true 
To decide what will or will not be,
Won’t be at all about me;
It will be all about you

But special moments confront each of us,
When what matters isn’t “Me”.
And while these moments are few,
They’re not about me, not about you.
For a time, it’s all about “We.”

Yes, “…no man is an island.”
Is a valid point of view;
But if it’s not about “We”, 
Then it’s all about me.
Sorry.  It’s not about you.

Details | Limerick | |

A Life Game: Greed

What will their eternity win?
Greed, as a vice makes some men grin.
Money is their God.
Poor folks bear guffawed.
Then games bring a different kingpin!

© June 1, 2011
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen

Details | Free verse | |

The Toilet Dream Speaks The Truth

I had a dream
Where all my clothes
Were in my toilet bowl
Clogging it.

Apparently this means that
I am drenched in emotions
Which need to be released
And expressed,

So I wrote
This poem.

Details | Limerick | |

Barky Von Schnauzer

At the risk of being called “rabble-rouser,”
I think poor old Barky Von Schnauzer,
should practice his aim,
his master to maim,
in the back end of his very best trousers!

My hero I would call dear old Barky,
if he could just muster the stealth of a sharky,
and covertly steer,
right straight for the rear,
of that great big old bag of malarkey!

I think I should send Barky a big four leaf clover,
so his bad luck would finally be over,
he could retire his fame,
move away, change his name,
to Bowser maybe Lassie or Rover!

Obviously I have been driven completely insane by that stupid t.v. commercial!
Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Details | Rhyme | |

Where Has Dad Gone, Mama Dear

Where has dad gone, momma dear?
Hush, my little lamb.
Your dad's gone to the thicket dear 
And mad old Abraham

That man went early this grim morn, and took his sharpened knife
And with him took his own first born, to offer up his life
With servants and with firewood, both, they journeyed to Moriah
And on the hillside there they built an altar and a fire

And Isaac, when he heard the plan, went willingly, it's odd
That he should let that daft old man, so worship his cruel god.
Your father, he was passing by, and heard but could not see
And foolishly could not deny his curiosity

So closer did your father scramble peering through the thorns
Unaware of how the brambles tangled with his horns
Just to see a crazy man who planned to kill his kin
Your father did not understand the danger he was in

For then again that mad old man started hearing voices
His god was speaking to the loon and giving him new choices
And so his plan to slay the boy came about to falter
And Abraham, he took your pa and dragged him to the altar

But that was never fair, mama, can you tell me why
When Isaac he was all prepared and well prepared to die
And all had been decided on, so what cruel trick mama
Was played upon that grand old ram, who was my own papa?

Life is not fair, my little lamb, nor is it like to change
And fate plays tricks on all of us, both sinister and strange
So you take care, my little lamb, with this advice from me 
Do not visit places where you know you should not be

The moral of this story dear, is take heed of the odds
And stay away from two-leggies worshipping their gods

Details | Light Poetry | |

Emergency Rooms Just Kill Me -

Nurse: Briefly describe your pain
Me: Ouch
Nurse: On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?
Me: I dunno...where's your scale?
Nurse: No, no sir, on a scale...
Me: Okay!...180 butt-naked
Nurse: When was the last time you had a physical exam?
Me: Well, me and this lady went out the other night...
Nurse: We'll need a stool sample
Me: YOUR stool or my stool? I'll need a saw...
Nurse: We'll need to do some lab work
Me: I understand, it's hard to keep good help isn't it?
Nurse: Do you have a history of suicide?
Me: Umm...
Nurse: Are you having trouble urinating?
Me: Just a sec...nope, no problem here
Nurse: Sh-t!
Me: Just a sec...nope, no problem here
Nurse: Son of a...How many fingers am I holding up??
Me: Aha!...One in the middle and four bent ones, right?
Nurse: I swear to G... Sign this freekin' admittance form!
Me: Uh uh!...I deny the whole thing...
Nurse: (Sigh) Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Hospitals...

Details | Ballad | |

Across the Way - The Sequel

Another day and the dishes have piled up yet again
So back I end up in front of the window 
I do not glance up, but concentrate
On the dull, dirtied objects before me
I do not hear the voices from yesterday
I still wallow in the grime of gray
I smile in malcontent
As I lather the dishes with soap
Against my will, I look up 
To see a lone, fat man opening a refrigerator
He is shirtless, bulgy, and he looks pregnant
My first supposition is to laugh
But I only look back down at the dishes
Not wanting to stare at the fat man
Not wanting to think he looks pregnant
For sure not wanting him to be my neighbor
Across the way

Against my will again, I look up
The fat, pregnant man is gone
I see ornaments on the refrigerator
Some pictures, some magnets
Family; not so different from my life
But yet, there is a transparent fancy of mystery
A flashy rage of difference in the silence
Oh, so quiet
The blazing sun sprays its light upon the hour
Not only are my hands wet from the soapy water
The deafening tone of quietude
Revels in me a mixture of loneliness and physical heat
A burning desire for something not seen
A desire for utter disgust of my newly found neighbors
But I find myself not disgusted at all
Until I look up again and see a fully naked man at the window
Across the way

Details | Rhyme | |

Shameful Morning

not sure how she got here 
only know she needs to leave

underneath the stranger 
my arm numb; asleep, 
mouth a desert.
a hundred dead cigarettes dance my tongue dry 

princess of night 
exposed by light. 
get me out of this;
another dreaded morning mess. 

bed broken
along with my will. 
I swore never again; 
the lie is half the thrill.


Details | Quatrain | |

Prelude to a Poke

I do not recall
The bravado with which I spoke
The titillating prose
Seduction’s prelude to a poke
You spoke of love
with a lust that I understand
your heart a bloom
your derriere met my hand
I pulled you closed
my eyes nearly met yours
your bosom winked  
thank God I wore drawers
Do you not see
that my passions are pure
a burning in my loins
for which water has no cure
We gazed upon the heavens
I wrapped her in the moonlight
I looked at the time
my prayers faded into night
We danced till dawn
I had answered her romantic call
I whispered sweet somethings
Before her foot procured my fall

Details | I do not know? | |

Kristin Listen!

Hello my friend,
Hope all is well
This is your bud,
'Ol tom bell
You might wish
To read this poem
"Bad Day at the Eyedoctors"
A true tom tale
And shows what a fool I be
So check it out,
And you'll see!

Details | Free verse | |

A Winter Walk

I needed some time, some space to think
And it was either take a walk or drink
And since I knew drinking would solve nothing
I put on my shoes and I started walking

The wind blew the chilly air
Through my unkempt locks of hair,
But I hardly felt the biting cold,
Walking with memories warm in my soul

The street was dark, cold and silent
It was funny the places where my mind went
While I slowly walked across the blacktop road
No destination in mind where I would go

It's funny the things you will remember
I recall a day in mid-December
And how suddenly, nothing seemed the same
After that man at the door called my name

I followed him into a secluded office
Where he would tell me his diagnosis
And suddenly I felt my beating heart
But the rest of the world had just stopped

I felt a hand in mine get tighter
I don't think the room could have been quieter
I shook my head in total disbelief
Too numb to feel anything, even grief

The question asked, "What does this mean?"
But the answer didn't mean anything
My head too fuzzy, my thoughts too jumbled
I turned to my love to speak, but mumbled

I don't remember what else he said
Because of the swirling thoughts in my head
It took three days before I could even think
Which led me to tonight: walk or drink

So I walked and I thought and I truly remembered
Dreams of the past, love treasured forever
Friendship and laughter, sorrow and pain
As though I was reliving my life over again

Little things that I'd sorely taken for granted
Things that didn't happen the way that I planned it
Promises made and ones that were broken
Love that was shared, love still unspoken

The frosty air filled me with a sense of renewal
Inside my soul was fighting a duel
The angel, the devil, both battling demons
Inside of myself I fought to redeem them

I don't know who won the ethereal battle
And I'm not sure right now it even matters
Where once I believed everything for a reason
I'm finding that harder and harder to believe in

Details | Blank verse | |

Love Song

Here’s what I’m thinking now 
at the end of the world: 

There are no atheists in foxholes— 
no theists in politics. 
If knowledge is power, 
and power corrupts, 
then why did I bother reading you, Cicero? 

Does it matter that I didn't’t love you? 
Would it have mattered if I did? 

There’s a poetry reading tonight 
whence I’I'll chide other poets 
who don’t sit alone. 
I won’t bring up death 
but I might have to breathe, 
even into a mike 
and mouth lines to get a snap or a boo 
maybe even a wince or two. 

Just maybe I’I'll talk about love 
and how following your heart is like following a dog— 
it only leads to vittles and (female dogs). 
But how many times have I used that line 
since the story I wrote about you, 
a witty and sexy and fictional you? 
Most likely I’I'll read something tonight about you. 

I won’t recite it from memory 
because I don’t think about you that much anymore, 
not even when I search for my socks in your drawer 
or when I put on the scratchy sweaters you give me, 
horizontally striped to bring out my eyes? 

I don’t remember your eyes 
except they are blue. 
And I don’t remember you, 
not even when I smell cucumber and apple, 
not even when I sleep on my side of the bed 
or when you walk through the door 
happy to see me; 
even then I don’t remember you. 
Does it matter that I don’t love you? 
Would it have mattered if I did? 

How about a few one-liners 
for the end of days?— 

Depression is self-awareness, 
which you’d know if you were; 
I need Ritalin to listen to you, 
Lithium to hug you, 
Viagra to feel you, 
and Valium to sleep. 

All you need 
is me standing there, waiting at home 
with turns of phrase and word plays 
telling you about why I hate Ayn Rand 
but want to buy as much as I can 
and how I love celebrity gossip 
and detest poetry slams 
and find rhyming trite 
except when I am. 

Hypocrites can still be right, 
which you do understand 
because you nod at my nonsense 
about fighting the man. 

But now, at the end of all things— 
I’m speechless and witless and pointlessly well-read, 
and you’re just sitting there, smiling 
asking me to pass the bread.

Details | Rhyme | |

Speak Up

Either from constricted throat or hesitated poise, I find that creepy silence a deafening noise! Like bees it buzzes in the core of my frazzled mind Speak up, my dear, if you can be so kind! See, like a red red rose withering to gray, I find myself fading day after day Left out to wonder what your mind may do, I blush like a virgin nun, but tingle blue If eyes only had a big, fat mouth We’d be married with children and a fine, nice house But love, eyes can only do so much! If I feel mine water, I will hide it with a punch! For cat’s sake—snap out of this frustrating state! Look alive, help us both feel great! I promise if I wither like that tearful rose I will spray you with my not-so-silent hose!

Details | Free verse | |

What doesn't kill You only makes you weak

I down poison and sleep for days
trying to take the heart ache away
I swallow rasorblades to take the headaches away
but nothing matters its always the same
what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger
liar liar pants on fire!!!!

Overdosed and dieing
survived it and now paying with liver damage and internal bleeding

The car crash of the drunk driver
how relaxing
nail biting aftermath
and another reason to go out and party
for the celebration
of the alcoholic
who just took the life of his best friend
I'm the victom
I'm the victom
I'm the victom he says
but low and behold the survivors in the other vehicle
stronger than ever
all crippled and in wheel chairs
know that
they should really thank the drunk driver and condemn
all the hippocrits who know nothing of survival

so here i am
wishing to be more strong
why bother to exercise
they surely have it all wrong
why pay attention to science any way
all those cliches can tell you about apples and sunshine
but we know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
so i think I'll cut off my leg
go play in traffic
or fight the wars by doing too much drugs
the place inside the fire can tell you
what doesn't kill you will only make you strong

A second lease on life
a new found reason to get up and go
and find god and praise life
and all the things i should have done
and all the newfound glorious reasons to cry
why oh why oh why oh why
thank you lord thank you Jesus
thank you wars thank you liars thank you lies
thank you doctors thank you poets
thank you psychologists
thank you preachers for truly understanding an age old cliche
I'll peel off this apple to keep the doctor away throw out the core
and know
if it doesn't kill me
I'm probably just weak
and after all the rehabilitation and speach therapy i still don't feel like me

Details | I do not know? | |

Your Voice

Your voice  reminds me why going deaf aint so bad.
And why the old men down at the park
slowley go mad.

It's filled with  regret over what what never will be.
That house in the hills.   
The fancy cars the side little pets and poolboys.

Fake plastic faces  to match the the fake personality's
So now your voice fills with anger  and a touch of 

I here the rejection even in my sleep.
It stabs me in my spine.
Doing that which your own hatred does for you.

You look to me as a inmate and as paycheck
Were cellmates not lovers we torture
for weve forgot to love.

Your voice echos 
to my grave.
saying you could at least taken out the trash befor you kicked the bucket
you lazy bum.   

Details | I do not know? | |

A 94 year old woman kicked my ###

(This is a fictional poem)

A 94 year old woman kicked my ###.
She beat the crap out of me and left me bleeding on the grass.
Every time I got up, she knocked me down again.
She beat me really hard and I sure as hell didn't win.
The fight started when she asked me to put out my cigar.
I told her that I'd shove it up her vagina and I guess I went too far.
When she got through beating me, I had lost most of my teeth.
Now people laugh at me and all I feel is grief.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Commercial Slam - Part II


Elderly Lady: Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
First Alert: Duly noted, will there be anything else?
Elderly Lady: Are you going to call an ambulance?
First Alert: Ambulance?  Heck no! Call one yourself
Elderly Lady: But I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
First Alert: (Sigh) Can’t you just kind of roll around or something?
Elderly Lady: What the…What did you say?
First Alert: Lord! Deaf as a doornail too
Elderly Lady: Please! Can you at least give me some advice?
First Alert: Now she thinks we’re Dear Abbey….


Customer: How’s it flowin’ Flo?
Flo: Just rollin’ with the flow ya’ know?
Customer: I love the way your words flow, Flo…You put them together so well
Flo: What’s THAT supposed to mean? Are you saying I’m well put together?
Customer: No Flo, I-I meant…Y-you’re a real flower, Flo
Flo: Ain’t NOBODY messin’ with MY flower
Customer: Um…
Flo: And I SURE ain’t no flower child either
Customer: U…
Flo: Stop interrupting me! You wanna’ buy some insurance or what?
Customer: N…
Flo: Security!


Nine out of ten doctors recommend taking Tylenol:
(The tenth doctor lost his license for recommending street-drugs)

Nine out of ten doctors recommend smoking Camel cigarettes:
(The tenth doctor unfortunately couldn’t recommend a doggone thing because he died of lung cancer)

Four out of five dentists recommend chewing sugarless gum for those patients who chew gum:  
(For those patients who do not chew gum the fifth dentist recommended chewing tobacco and got his ass chewed out by the national association of dentists hooked on tobacco laughing gas and pain pills and they took his license away too they said here’s something for you to chew on sucker the fifth dentist said chew on this you mother you know what at least I’m just hooked on tobacco y’all are hooked on laughing gas and pain pills too they said don’t tell on us the fifth dentist said I won’t tell only if you give my license back but I’m still gonna tell your mommies on you and they’ll chew all your sorry asses out for sure they said ok whew that was close the fifth dentist said I’m in a bad mood now give me some of that laughing gas they did and he started giggling then the rest of them took some too and they all started giggling and partying somebody called the cops and they were thrown in jail at the trial the prosecutor drilled them mercilessly they gave up and pled no dentist but got off on a technicality when they bribed the judge and the prosecutor with some laughing gas they started giggling and said aw you guys are okay then the judge accidentally pled guilty and sentenced both himself and the prosecutor who are now both currently serving two count em two consecutive life sentences for god knows what…)

Details | Narrative | |

School Days

(and long brown stockings) 

I detest these stockings,
they're coarse, brown and ugly.

I hate the garters more;
elastic circles that cut off 
circulation and fail to halt 
the laddering down my skinny legs.

If only . . . I picture myself
in warm jeans and no teasing
from Tommy Rogers.

I put the garters to better use,
roll the repulsive stockings
down around my ankles. 

Tommy taunts,
"Who gave you
jointed toothpicks for legs?"

I lost it.

Now, Tommy has a black eye
and my nose is in the corner.

Details | Lyric | |

I found a job

I found a job at last

Well, I worked hard for twenty year
For a greedy type of bloke
I pushed and pulled until me legs went weak
Then one day I felt this twinge
It ran right down me spine
So I went out, some doctors help to seek

Now I can’t sit, and I can’t walk
Can’t even wash me feet
So off I goes to see this medico
He looked me over knowingly
As if he understood!
Then said “You’re doing fine, now off you go”

So off I goes to get a job
I gave some boss a call
But when he saw the way it was for me
He said “I can’t give you a job!
You’re stuffed my boy, that’s all
Oh, don’t tell me about your misery”.

I tried for an insurance claim
They said “we know you’re kind!!
You say you’re hurt, but is this really true?
To get some money out of us
You’ll have to test our might
We deem you fit to get a job, we do”

Well now I’ve got myself a job
It’s a breeze, I must confess
I lie her licking postage stamps all day
When I said I couldn’t work
I forgot about me tongue
So now I’ve got a job, and it’s okay.

Written in 1990

Details | Rhyme | |

Sister, Sister

Mother Superior faced a daunting task,
Like no other in her forty years.
She had prayed it simply wasn’t so,
That Godly intervention might belie her fears.

But sadly, there was no such intervention,
No relief from the duty she did rue.
Despite her hopes and all her prayers,
It had been confirmed.  What she feared was true.

So, she gathered all the Sisters after Vespers.
The impromptu meeting caused quite a stir.
There was murmuring as they filed into the chapel.
She hesitated for a moment... but no, she was sure.

“Sisters, I asked you all here to share some news.
It’s something I never thought I’d have to say.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
Mary Catherine, a Sister for sixty years, said, 
“Oh, thank God.  I’m so tired of Chardonnay.” 

Details | Free verse | |

My Boredom Disease

Like sick allergies, 
Boredom can be passed around

Like a horrid storm,
Boredom can catch you off guard
Hold on for DEAR LIFE!

Like the whooping cough,
Boredom can be serious
If I were you, I’d
Get a vaccination ! 

Details | Burlesque | |

The Impatient Patient

Today's true tom tale;

Today was Dr. day at the clinic
I ended up the day quite a cynic
I'd been awake three days,
With a toothache and pain that slays
My jagged teeth cutting up my tongue
And the promise of help to which I clung
For no more of this pain could I endure,
I desperately did seek some kind of cure

Appointment at 2:15- told the taxi 1:30
I knew the fib was a tad dirty...
"Hedge the bet" one might say,
Sad to think one must be that way,
Of course in this case he showed up at 1PM
And I was in the waiting room at 1:15
Fastest response I'd ever seen.

So I sat in the waiting room as
Clerical shifts came and went
My patience seemed nearly spent

At last I was escorted to an examining room,
To sit and ponder my future doom...
For over an hour I sat there,
Reading all the posters on the wall,
About various diseases,
Soon I had them all!
Cervical cancer,
Malignant volvulus,
Infected ovaries,
Fibroid tumors in my uterus,
A glumaceous gluteus,
Obstructed bowels,
Deviated septum
Anemia, edemia
Enlarged prostate,
Shrunken prostate
Eczema, Lupus
All these for me!

I hoped he didn't keep me 
waiting too much longer,
Surely I wasn't getting stronger....
I'd be dead in ten more afflictions
If he could not cure all these conditions.

I felt my life force start to fade
Look at what these posters made!
Surely life was slipping away,
I couldn't stand,
I began to sway.

In he finally came,
Suddenly I did not feel
the same,
I might survive the day after all,
My approaching death grew
rather small.

Next time, bring a book,
For in terms of time,
It hardly took,
Much time to catch
All these ills,
Or at least come in,
With made out wills.

Details | Rhyme | |

The Happy Dress

It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative 
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.

So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened.  “Ta Da!  Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked?  Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.

You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.

It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”

“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.

So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.

She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open.  “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”


“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.

Details | Free verse | |

School day hell

They called it school
I called it hell 
From the huge imposing prison like doors
To the doom like toll of the bell
Everyday the same
Running for the school bus
Full of uncivilized Wild kids
Being pushed and shoved
Countless kids in uniform
Fearing the teachers and the day they were born
Satchel bags and lucky bags
Late for lessons again 
Going to the headmasters office 
For the cane ooh how my bum was in pain
Teacher at the blackboard
Pupils getting bored thinking about girls
Motorbikes and cars
Playing football in the yard
Playing sports in skirts and shorts
The one too big that moma bought
School desks fountain pens and ink
Boy how some of my classmates did stink
Trying to blow up the science lab
Bubbly gum and sherbert dabs
Giggling girls and bashful boys
Girls jutting out everywhere
Pigtails and ribbon on their hair
Always getting into a fight
Going home with a torn blazer and black eye every night
Lots of kisses on my homework
Rolling about in the dirt
Pouring ink into the headmasters aquarium
Holes in your trouser bum
Crafty cigarette hidden behind a wall
Morning assembly in the hall
School dinners you couldn't pick
Forced down your throat and made you sick
Being punished and kept behind doing lines
I must have wrote 'I must be good' a million times
Frog spawn put into teachers bag
Gas taps left on in the lab
The school nurse giving you a jab
Riot breaks out in class Running a race on sports day and coming last
Pea shooter and catapult Pulling your tongue out and being rude to adults
First love and nervous thumbled kiss
Girls with new sticky out bits
Hair growing in places it didn't before
Limbs aching and so sore
Always in trouble up to no good playing truant in the wood
Letting the tiers down on the headmasters car
Girls wearing training bra's
Exams were such a sham but wrote the answers under the bandage on my 
hand Teachers talking about things I didn't understand
What a waste of time I was going to be a pop star and soon a man
Those daydreams  of youth that still remain aloof
Hiding in the bushes watching  girls playing hockey and net ball on the field
I still recall how that used to feel
Long school summer holidays away from hell
School books thrown down the well
Then back to school again to days of terror
And pain up early facing hell.

Peter Dome,copyright.2014. July.

Details | Rhyme | |

Her Sense of Humor

A slight hint of consternation was in her voice,
“Why did you tell those people I’m deaf and dumb?”
“I never said you were deaf, my Dear.”
She laughed, but I kinda felt like a bum.

Hell.  It was just a joke.

One evening, she asked, “Will you love me if I get chubby?”
I responded, “Of course I still love you.
It would take much more than pounds and cellulite
To make me fall out of love…it’s true.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

“Would you remarry if I die before you?” she asked.
I said, “No…probably not…I’ve been spoiled by you.”
“But you’ve been a great husband. I think you should.”
“Whatever happens, happens is the best I can do.”

“If you remarried, would you play golf with your new wife?
And would you let her use my clubs?” she demanded.  
I calmly smiled and said, “Your clubs are safe.
You see, my Dear…she’s left handed.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

Then, she whined and whined about her butt.
I responded, “Want to knock some inches off that ass?
It may sound strange, but I heard it works….
Rinse all your panties in Slim Fast.”

Hell. It was just a joke.

The next day, I readied for work, took ‘undies’ from my drawer.
They were engulfed in a fog of white, why I didn’t know.
So, I asked, “Honey! Why did you put talcum powder on my shorts?”
She slyly smiled, “That’s not talcum powder.  That’s Miracle Gro.”

Hell.  It was just a joke....I guess.

So, what is my wife’s most endearing feature?
Her sense of humor.... there’s no doubt.
Always a smile where angst or anger might have been,
A smile I never want to be without.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Clueless Job Applicant

You’ll never guess whom the cat drug in; have a day where you just couldn’t win?
He came strutting in, smacking his gum loud, dressed to the nines Goth Punk style.
Tats trailed down his left arm, with my notice, he said, saving up for the other arm.
When ask about drugs, his answer to me was: “Yes, I’ll share” most invitingly…

Metal adornments on ears, nose, and lips, didn’t want to know, the all of it, at this.
As I noticed, he smiled most cattily, asking: ‘Want to see where else they might be?’ 
Hair a Mohawk with a trail down his back, colors of the rainbow, left nothing to lack.
Steel studs on a black leather butt, said, ‘Bite Me!’ with each and every staged strut.

What are you kidding?… Do my eyes me deceive, or did he just make a pass, at ME?
No Way! I’d rather drop kick him from my office fast, didn't he have any real class?
The application, a Sales Manager Job. Who would try to send me over the deep end?
Bet it had been a practical joke, beginning to end, so I simply held on, my friend.

He must've read my face, forhe smirked, I continued to ask for his list of experience.
His experience was none, but he said he managed his I-tune collection, very well.
Of course, he was the Leader of his ‘Chat Room’. I wondered, ‘Who could tell?’ GEE!
Also an impressive set up on his Facebook page, for his innumerable video games.

I ask how he was qualified for ANY job? Said, Dad ‘THE CEO’ wanted him employed.
I verified this with a call, was told not to be too Harsh, he had Potential, after all...
Ask what job he wanted to give his son? ‘Let him chose himself’, came the real clue!
Ask him, what job he really wanted to do, ‘VP in charge of Recreation’ was imbued.

Said he'd check out all the great places, in his Dad’s fancy Porche. Honestly True!
I kid you not! And he wanted his girlfriend, made into his secretary, Yah! No Doubt!
Believe it or not, he got all he thought he was due. All approved by the CEO’s! True!
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better… I began to really reconsider…

Really, who had been clueless… It hadn’t been him!… Which left me in a dither…
Knowing I just couldn’t win!  I’d be glad when this day was finally, truly, done… 
The kid had probably thought this a great joke on me from beginning to the end!
My perfect job, had just come undone! Apparently, being in HR isn’t always fun! 

My college degree, that took so much sacrifice, no longer sparkled, so much to me.
Boy did I now WISH, I was a CEO’s SON! As I simply got all the paper work done. 
Later, I saw the family portrait on the CEO’s desk. Lucky me! One down!… 
Only eight more to go!

Carol Eastman and Hubby

Details | Rhyme | |

The Doctor Is A Dead Man Walking

Bob had a special talent
That only worked in his men’s store.
He had ‘clothing ESP’.
He knew what his customers wanted…and more.

When customer would come into his store
Bob would invariably say, 
“Hello. I'm Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

And he was always right,
Never missed a color, fabric, style or size.
He even knew the necessary alterations.
Customers couldn’t believe their ears and eyes.

Meanwhile, in another part of town,
Joe had a pounding, relentless migraine
For every minute for more than five years,
It had driven him near insane.

He’d lost his job to the pain.
Then, he lost his wife.
He had lost a lot of weight and rarely slept.
Yes, his was a miserable life.

And, of course,  sex was out of the question…
Even a little self-abuse.
There was nothing left for Joe but pain.
He felt his life was of no use.

So, Joe went to his doctor.
“Doc, please help me end this pain.
Give me something to make me sleep
And never wake up again.”

“You know I can’t assist your suicide.”,
Then he looked sad, perhaps ashamed.
“I never dreamed it would last five years,
But I know how to end the pain.”

“You can make it go away?!
Tell me, Doc!  What’s the word?”
“I’ll have to remove your testicles.”
Was the last thing that Joe heard.

But…when he came to, it struck him.
Sex was out of the question anyway;
But he might enjoy his meals again,
And he could sleep for days.

“Please check me in, Doc.
This opportunity I cannot shirk.”
So, the doctor removed his testicles.
He did his very best work.

A few days later, Joe waddled along,
Headache free and feeling pretty nice;
But every attractive woman he saw 
Reminded him of his sacrifice.

He decided it was appropriate
To do something nice for himself for a change.
So, he went into a travel agency;
And a six month cruise he arranged.

As he left the travel agency,
He was excited, feeling ready to go;
But for such a glorious adventure,
He would need new clothes.

As he walked along, he saw Bob’s Men's Store.
He walked in, only to hear Bob say,
“Hello.  I’m Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

“How could you know?” asked Joe.
“It’s a gift.  I don’t know how, but I do.
You’ve suffered five years with an ailment,
Found relief, so now you’re taking a cruise.” 

Joe could not believe his ears.
How could this stranger possibly know?
"You're right! That's amazing!
And I'm going to need new clothes." 

Bob then laid out a fabulous wardrobe
All the right colors, fabrics, styles…and each size.
Joe was incredibly impressed.
He could hardly believe his ears and eyes.

“How do you like the wardrobe?”
“It’s wonderful!”  Bob could see that Joe was pleased.
“Now,” said Bob, “What about undergarments;
You know…shorts and tees?

Let’s see…medium crew neck tees, all cotton.
I believe that you prefer white….
And jockey shorts, all cotton…. 34s.
Yes, I'm sure that’s right.”

Joe beamed, “You’re an amazing talent
And I just this second realized,
You've laid out this entire wardrobe
And only missed one size.”

Bob, surprised by his mistake, asked, “Really?
What did I miss?  I did my best for you.”
“Well…you’re right.” said Joe, “I do wear Jockeys,
But…well…I wear 32s.

“Oh, no!” said Bob with an ugly grimace.
“That would be a serious mistake.
Thirty-twos would be too small, 
They would cramp your balls.
You’ll get migraine headaches.”

Details | Limerick | |

Twin Brothers

Freddy and Teddy are exactamundo twin brothers.
They are nowhere near as funny as the Smothers.
They take their crass gross comedy act on the road.
All of those in the audience would rather be using the commode.
Most would prefer to have their throats slit if they had their druthers.

Details | Rhyme | |

Dear Doctor:

My Dear Doctor Anonymous: Things becoming calamitous,
blinding headaches without end, tumor's there, why pretend?
Oh, you think I'm symptom-free, where'd you purchase your MD?
Tell the truth, for God's sake! Even doctors make mistakes!
I know you wish I'd go away, but, like a thorn, I'm here to stay.
If you won't help me, I will die, the truth is tougher than your lie.
And when I die I won't be daunted, it's you whose house now will be haunted.
Yours forever, patient rejected, end of letter, as expected.

©Danielle White

Details | Lyric | |

The pen is mightier than the sword

The pen is mightier than the sword

What is it about some people?
Have they no minds of all
To me their puppets on a string
As they follow all the rules
Whether they make sense at all
That’s all beside the point
They believe all that their leaders say
When it comes to the simple joint!

Our leaders they have called the shots
On this and all that matters
They come to us on the TV set
And I hear their foolish chatter
Our premier with pigeon mind
Was heard to say one day
That cannabis is a killer drug
Or almost any way.

Now I have smoked for forty years
And not once have I ever
Suffered from this gentle weed
These leaders might be clever
Or think they are, through their position
But to me they’re simply fools
But they give me cause to laugh out loud
They’re so damned comical.

23 July 2013 @ 1133hrs.

Details | Lyric | |

Viagra and Beer

Too much Viagra and beer.
Too much Viagra and beer.
My wife was out of town,
I hit every club around.
Each time I'd hope to find
A horny woman here.

Country Bob's was the last club that was open.
Near blind drunk and horny, but I was still hopin'.
A pretty woman gave me a glance,
Smiled and said, "Nice pants.
Honey, I'm ridin' if you're ropin'."

A few hours later, I was in a Helluva mess
She's still ridin' hard and screamin', "God, this is the best!"
I was dizzy and light-headed. I had pains in my chest,
But she wouldn't stop long enough to call EMS.

When I came to, I was home in my own bed,
Next to my lovely wife; and this is what she said:
"I picked you up at Country Bob's, my dear;
And there's gonna be some changes around here.

You were fantastic last night;
So, I only think its right
If I supplement your diet 
With Viagra and beer."

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
She treats me like a king,
Says I make her body sing;
So, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.

Yes, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.

Submitted by: Buzz O'Words
Written: 3/3/14

Details | Monorhyme | |

A Secret Obsession

What is it with this obsessive compulsion
Destroying every dust ball’s conception

In folks’ unkempt homes I feel no revulsion
Yet that offers me little consolation

For cleaning my own home is an addiction
Often resulting in great agitation

Exploding as an internal combustion
This behavior’s like a viral infection

My disorder leads to immaculation
I’ve dispelled all hopes of emancipation

For much to my own “clean freak” consternation
I still live in over-sanitization.

Entry for Shani Fassbender’s “Tell Me a Secret” contest
A “true obsession” probably handed down by my mother
who was lightheartedly referred to as the “White Glove.”
Mr. Clean was her role model.

Details | Bio | |

Solitude: To Yoda, An Ode

Green bark a prism creates,
Feel the pull of earth, you must.

Rotates, a slime of endless hates,
Can hold me not, this world’s crust.

Friendship’s ties, isolation Deflates,
Succumbs, my spaceship, to bitter rust.

Mist, my soul forever permeates,
Lift-off, booms the rocket’s thrust.

My spirit when light returns, elates,
Swamps swell, swallowed hope’s swirling dust.

Trapped, I am, until student from fate
Arrives to learn; Cloud City or bust.

Details | Limerick | |

A Trip to the Dentist

I went to the dentist today,
And the fee that I had to pay,
For one little tooth,
Was highly uncouth.
It's highway robbery, I say!


Details | Haiku | |

The Internet

Oh the internet
A battle ground for morons
Will we ever learn?

Details | Limerick | |

Maniac Jack

Fatty Jack
Is a maniac.
He ate a turd
From a sick bird.
That’s a sad fact.

Details | Couplet | |

I Do Believe In Santa Claus

I do believe in Santa Claus.
Although I'm scared he'll see my flaws.
I think he knows I pick my nose
and play with jam between my toes.
He probably knows I bite my nails
and burp and fart to no avails'
But what I know for sure is strange.
That I am stubborn and will not change.

I do believe in Santa Claus
who sees me when I'm sleeping.
And hide beneath my pillow
when I think that he is peeking.
I know I've made the naughty list
and even changed my name.
Unless he knows my old address
and holds me to my shame.

I do believe in Santa Claus...
but I am cautious just the same.

Details | Rhyme | |


Flailin’,  flailin’, flailin’;
There goes my ball sailin’
Into a trap, the water or the woods.

Flailin’, flailin’, flailin’;
You can hear me wailin’,
“Why won’t that damn ball go where it should?

Drives go right.  Putts go wrong.
I shank my wedges or ‘skull’em’ long.
My golf game’s just no damn good.

I’m swingin’ too hard & lookin’ up;
As if I’ll actually see it go in the cup….
As if it ever really would.

My alignment’s too far left or right.
My ball can find the only tree or trap in sight,
Even if the shot starts out lookin’ good.

These days, I carry some special tools:
A handheld weed eater with extra spools
And a pruning saw, in case I’m in the woods.  

I’ve even tried to ‘buy’ a better game.
No matter.  My scores were just as lame.
Those new clubs didn’t do what they should.

Bogies & doubles...even triples... are common scores.
I very rarely get pars any more.
Believe me, I’d change it if I could.

My buddies said it must be me,
A teaching pro I should go see.
They said he’d fix my game…..if anybody could.

The pro said, “Hit some balls while I watch you.
Just set up and hit’em like you normally do.
We’ll see if I can do your game any good.”

After the first bucket of balls I hit,
He calmly said, “Take two weeks off…then quit.
Take my advice.  You really should.”

Now, what really has me vexed,
I’m wondering what I’ll try next.
That pro’s advice was no damn good.

So, I struggle along with my flailin’ game;
But, strangely enough, have fun just the same,
Finding hope in rare shots that are actually good.

Details | Rhyme | |

A Can of Peaches

She was a kleptomaniac,
His wife of thirty years.
The risks she took for stuff of little value
Had all but driven him to tears.

She had such low regard for the risk;
Always said, “If I’m caught, I’ll pay.”
“But what if they’re not satisfied?” he’d ask.
She just smiled and said, “That’ll be the day.”

When first they met, he thought her just young and wild;
And, after all, it really did no one any harm.
It was fun to watch her be so sneaky,
Kind of a sexy part of her appealing charm.

The stuff she stole was so petty,
But she seemed to have such fun.
After all, it wasn’t for the stuff she stole,
But for the thrill of what she’d done.

As time had passed, he had finally realized
It was a sickness, not just a game to play.
She’d steal something almost everywhere she went,
And she went somewhere almost every day.

So, it had gotten old and tiresome, completely out of hand.
His pleas of “Get some help.” she would ignore;
Tho’ she might have thought better of it
If she had known what was in store.

While grocery shopping, she tried to steal a can of peaches.
They caught her, called the cops, sent her off to jail.
She called her embarrassed and disgusted husband, 
Who resentfully made arrangements for her bail.

When her court date came, he went along;
And when her case came up, he was by her side.
As the judge reviewed her charges, it seemed to him
That the judge’s patience was being sorely tried.

“Madam" the judge said angrily, "…a single can of peaches?
It’s obvious you have no desperate financial need.
You are wasting my court’s time with such farce.
So, do you plead?"

She feigned regret. She bowed her head.
Surely such a ploy might change his attitude.
“Guilty, your Honor.  I am so sorry.”
He growled, “Save your platitudes.”

Then he asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”
“Your Honor, I believe that there were ten."
“Madam, I intend to teach you a lesson this day.
You’ll think twice before you steal again.

You’ll serve three days in county jail for each peach in that can.”
Her husband saw his chance.  He said, “Your Honor, if you please,
Before you pass her final sentence, you should know….
She also stole a can of peas!"

Details | Free verse | |

Poetic Robbery

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION

Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: V

Omniscient guy
Yet he lets bad things happen
How can he exist?

Details | Free verse | |

Consumer Complaint

Stop resenting me
For the way I shop
The things I do 
To make sure 
My  food is fresh

I confess I feel blueberries
In my fingers
To make sure they are firm
Not too ripe

I confess I shake 
Cans of spaghetti and ravioli
So that I know 
The sauce is not 

I confess I pull  frozen waffles
From the back of the freezer
Less likely that they thawed
And refroze into 
Oddball shapes

I confess I smell trout
Before I buy it
Placing it against my nose
In the most unabashed 

Spare me your hate 
About my consumer habits
When I know it has nothing to do with

As long as I bring you warm release
In the darkness of your desires
Pull your tangled hair the way 
You like 
Bite your darting tongue 
In mad hunger 
Deep appetite

As long as I reawaken the 
Primal animal hidden 
Turn your heat into a river
For a long passionate

As long as I attend quickly to your
Every lusty command
The craving of your nympho

Then  I can squeeze french bread
In quiet and peace
I can sniff cantaloupes
Without suffering ire 
Or grief

I’ll take you tonight 
In that filthy way 
You like

Until then

Leave me alone 

I’m shopping.

Details | I do not know? | |

Green Fingers

Dave, who when his time came to retire
Thought he'd have a quiet life
But instead he soon discovered
That he had a nagging wife.
He acquired an allotment  to pass the time
An hour or two of solitude out of the house.
A relaxing day in the summer sun.
Far away from the over bearing spouse.
Then one day he had a shock.
While relaxing with a cold beer.
In the distance, rolling down the path,
A nightmare come true, his worst fear.
His wife came ever closer.
Wearing a massive grin.
She put out her arms to greet.
And kissed him on the chin.
'I have come to help you'
She said with a smile.
'I will come here every day.
And be with you for a quite a while'
Now he did not fancy this one bit.
And tried gently to decline.
But  his wife insisted. and said together 
They must spend more time.
So he asked her 'what would you like to do.?'
'Oh just give me the spade.' she said.
So reluctantly he did as she asked
And brought the spade down on her head.
Then he dug a fresh new plot.
And buried her in the ground.
Her skill in the garden was proved true.
With a good harvest all year round.
But he was eventually caught.
And how was most absurd.
For his wife had the final say.
As always had the last word.
Of his fruit and veg Dave was proud
Set up a business, sold door to door.
Until somebody noticed something sprout.
It was not a spring onion they saw.
Dave goes over the day again and again.
As in his cell he lingers.
For what was seen poking out the ground.
Were two solitary green fingers.

Details | Rondeau Redouble | |

Goodbye Johnny Walker

Goodbye Johnny Walker
Joanna Davis

I swear I’m in a nightmare
I know it’s some bad dream
this craving for the deadly juice
is nothing new it seems
Our life is one long quarrel, 
a battle no one can win
Am I paying a kind of penance,
for some past life of sin?
I won’t put up with this forever
the smell or wavering gait,
If I stay with you much longer,
I’ll surely be tempting my fate
A soul that’s soaked with liquor,
with breath to ignite a match
But your handsome looks so deceiving
I naively believed you a catch!
You’ll promise it’s the last time,
say you’re done… that it’s the end!
But in me you see a nagging wife,
while in the bottle - a comforting friend
Tell me exactly how, I can win,
or compete with something so pure?
What kind of psychological jargon,
would even up the score?
This demon is so elusive,
someone, somewhere, please advise me
What spirits will finally convince you
to seek your desired sobriety!

Details | Epic | |


Looking back on the memory 
Of a perfect Sunday afternoon
Contest results were rolling in
How I faired would be known soon

Amy made my poem her Reason
I was blown away with a first place
Encouragement from the horse rider
I was humbled by her poetic grace

Craig's Oddities landed me a #5 
It's amazing just to be on his list
The dude is an incredible talent
To glean from him I can not resist

Roy had given me a number two
For a Bridge to take troubles away
Didn't realize how much I'd need it
Before the sunset on this Spring day 

I was writing congratulations to others
When Verlena proudly notified me
In Small Poems I'd finished first again
I was in total shock how could this be

Like a child I screen shot the winners list
How else could I remember this day
Proudly made edits to reflect the win
In that moment I'd love to stay

Within hours 1st prize had been taken
I surly wasn't the king after all
What appeared to be a super win
In reality became a significant fall

I quickly notified the contest sponsor 
As a newbie who doesn't know how it works
I was told "it probably was a Glitch"
Perhaps one of the Soup's quirks?

For good measure to keep me humble
Since yesterday there's been 4 contest
I didn't place in any of them
Not a one thought my work was best

I don't want there to be any drama
Surely these failures can't be blamed on me
Could there be a simple explanation
The Glitch, a result of the Peter Conspiracy?

*This is the story of how a newbie to PoetrySoup went from 1st place to 5th place (update: now last place) in a small poems Contest.  The poem is not meant to vent frustration, but to show how a young pup can easily become full of themselves only to be quickly humbled! The intent is purely humorous!


Details | Ballad | |

Pan and Satan

Pan and Satan.

One morning I was walking in my garden
When old Jupiter came up close to me.
And standing by his side stood fair Demeter
Who smiled at me so warm and tenderly.
She said “my son we’ve come to give our blessings
And we’ve a story we would like to tell.
Of how the great God Pan turned into Satan
And child I hope that you will listen well.

For Pan he was the god of natures beauty
And he wore no taint till Satan came along.
He’d play his pipes so gaily in the meadows
Though sometimes there was mischief in his song.

Then Satan said to pan “well I don’t give a damn
I’m going to steal your horns and make you me.
Then I’ll build a master plan and strike some fear in man
So always he will live in misery.
And that’s the way old Pan became young Satan
Yet still the old one dances deep within.
But if the two had never joined together
Then where would dwell the ugliness of sin.


Details | Rhyme | |



Pcillin cured

the obscured

* for the Footle contest.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Along came a Spider

An evil spider dropped down from behind. Help me! Help Me! She cried!
Oh white Knight… Can you save me? I’m on my tuffet trying to make a rip tide.
Where is he? Where is he? I can’t see it! He’s behind me, she cried!
The great white knight dropped every thing, to save his damsel in distress!
I can’t see it… I can’t see it… Save my bacon please…
If I try to move away from my white porcelain tuffet… he will surly get me!
A fierce battle ensued, as the knight grabbed his toilet paper sword.
Move away you snarly fiend, he roared!
Back and forth… Back and forth… They battled on endlessly.
She is mine, said the knight… No! She is mine said the spider, repeatedly
Finally, the white knight ruled supreme, with a final thrust of his paper sword! 
The white knight vanquished the evil spider, as he jumped upon the floor!
Now, you are safe my fair damsel, he decried, to continue your porcelain quest.
Then the White knight gathered his belongings and scampered away, doing his best.
With a ‘No need to get up miss’, she continued on her quest.
A blue haze eventually drifted in, as her thanks rang out, and she did attest. 
He had truly been her hero, of the great conquest…

Dated 6-8-2013

Details | Narrative | |

I Accepted the Potato Salad Because You Were Serving It

Yes, the time had allowed another opportunity to be near you,
Though well heaven knows whenever you are near my fear crunches my breath,
Leaving me starving for you, and wanting nothing more than to flee…

I stood in line, mainly because my family was there…
God knows I was not hungry at all…
Which is odd—I’m usually always hungry when I come to food gatherings
But there I was, my stomach swirling, and I looked out of the window,
And I saw you with the others, serving the food

My first thought was, great, here’s an opportunity,
And then the fear came—oh boy, what are you serving?
Are you serving something I like? 
Something I hate? 
So I closed my eyes and opened them again…
And I looked at what you were serving…
It was either macaroni salad, or potato salad; wasn’t quite sure at the time
I was more intrigued by how you presented yourself,
So friendly…so easy-going….so very natural and engaging

Damnit! The line is moving fast! 

I cringed at the thought of approaching you,
Even when I was following all the others;
And I knew you couldn’t be left insinuating-
Oh, that girl’s kinda weird and creepy…
I guess you’d only think that if I went to the table for the third time or something- 
But still, I was shaking with stupid thoughts

There was a problem though…
I do like macaroni salad… well, a little bit--I've never loved it
And I’m rather sick of potato salad frankly…
So if I refused the food, would you think it’s just another way to avoid contact?
Or will I give eye contact and smile at you, and say “no thank you”?
As I got closer, it was apparent it was potato salad…
And I begin to think
Well! Potato salad…it’s not that bad…let’s play it safe, shall we? Let’s get a little bit.

And before I knew it, I was where all the food was
You were talking speedily, happily with the others
About just everything it seemed… my ears heard blurs at this point
A lady offered me salad – I accepted the bowl and slowly put dressing on and looked up
And you smiled at me and said,
“Best potato salad in the world, right here.”
And I can’t remember if I smiled, 
But I most certainly lifted that stupid plate…
The lady next to you said, 
“and there’s another kind right beside it!”
I said quickly, “I think I’ll pass…” 
What she didn’t know was that I was trying to get the hell away before I vomited on everything and everyone...

I wasn’t hungry at all…
But one thing was certain…

I accepted the potato salad because you were serving it! 
And I ate it too… 
It wasn’t bad…in fact I could say pretty easily,
It was the best potato salad in the world

Right here….

You were… were….. right there.

Details | Limerick | |

Brown Bag Flu

I made myself sick with the brown bag flu,

     From drinking too much of that “Mountain Dew”;

          So here’s what I say,

          NO drinking today;

                I pray this never happens to you!

Details | Clerihew | |

Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher
Funny man in skin
Tight blue jeans win
My respect times ten!

Nude is a disrespect
Like it or not to your fans 
Put on your pants
Before we get MAD & BAD 

Please everyone go to Ashton Kutchers facebook page and tell him to keep his pants on it is disgusting!!

Details | Free verse | |

Duck Side Story

You have your North side ducks, 
And you have your south side ducks.
Neither the twain shall meet.
For each one had his nose in the air. 
They simply would not do the greet.

So as it happens they would dance with flair in the middle of the pond.
Always trying to out do the other side…Yes, let’s call it ‘Stomp The Pond’
Wings in motion lifting them up, to stomp the waters with their feet
Acrobatics and splashing around… Man it looked so neat.

So Stella, one of the South Side Ducks fell in love with her North side Pete.
But she couldn’t cross the middle of the pond, with so much action in the way.
Fussing, blustering, and carryings on were the name of the day.

But you know, there’s always one strange duck, and that’s the one who built a bridge.
Now all the others could come across or watch the stomp from the middle of the id.
My moral, I say to you young ones… is as appealing as stomping can be…
The world works better when brought together… 
By the builders of a bridge.

Details | Couplet | |

Where does the Time go

I feel as though time is slipping away,
And more is gone each passing day…

Details | Limerick | |

Uglies In Love

Freda Cheda was a skank.
Her whole dang body stank.
Frank “Fugly” Ugly loved her anyway.
He thought about her night and day.
They got married and it was quite rank.

Details | Rhyme | |

Goodbye Smoking

I'm not smoking today ;
not that the urge has gone away.

It's just that I'm tight and smokes are high ;
but, clothes are cheaper, I won't deny.

I'd like to be known for my wit and charm ;
instead of an odor setting off a fire alarm.

Believe me, it's not easy;
but, with a cigarette, I look sleazy !

I have an image to uphold ;
I'm known to be brave and even bold.

But, those little, white, sticks of fire ;
have always been part of my attire.

Will people even know me now; 
without the smoke circling my brow ?

Grit my teeth, gnaw my tongue ;
clean my hair and clear my lungs.

I might even feel brand new ;
and smell like perfume, not fish stew.

So, wish me well, no more Pall Mall ;
and pray I do not have a fall.

For this will be my very last try ;
to say it's easy, is a BIG, FAT lie !!

Details | Narrative | |

Well Said My Poetically Challenged Friend

Well said, my poetically challenged friend... 

Your insight is deep and telling of your sage, 
Even if I can not understand your poetic wage, 

Tell us more of your triumphs and travels, 
And don't leave out the blotter and gavels, 

For it is your frailty which entices, 
The calling of the soul, 
And unlocking of the mind... 

For when we read of your glorious battle, 
And become the fodder of which you prattle, 

Remember that these are the days, 
We relished the great dreams you gave, 

Soon you will be left to your own devices, 
Karma so apropos, 
Balancing over time... 

Then with great pride I will be able to say, 
That I once met a poet untamed,

A free verse poet like you who has belched, 
With nonconforming musings, true and heartfelt, 

Oh what great cost the poets price is, 
Always watching yet always alone, 
All to capture truth sublime, 

Again well said, my poetically challenged friend!

Details | Limerick | |

My Wine

Time to curl up with a bottle of wine,

    I’m not going to share, this bottle is mine;

          If you want a drink,

          There’s more by the sink;

    And I don’t want to hear anyone whine!

~For the Bottle of wine, (fruit of the vine, when.......) Contest~


Details | Haiku | |

Night Watchman

Not on my watch man!
No streaking! Put your clothes on!
That’s perverted dude!

Details | Light Poetry | |

Dragons Penguins

Dragon really shouldn’t have borrowed the penguins, away from the Zoo.
Now he was their baby sitter at the lake, from morning till night, so true.
Not to mention a catasaurus was now stalking, his delightful little friends.
The Trolls volunteered their time, to help defend those cute ones, to the end.

He wanted to take them everywhere, wherever he could and had ever been.
Though most of those we’d been kicked out of… Well, here we go again.
First we passed our illustrious church, where the organ and voices rang on.
But as the penguins began to sing, it came out a screech, so I hurried them along.

Next we went to the local Ice cream Stand, where the Trolls devoured icy delights.
Brain freezes naturally ensued, so the penguins sat on their heads, what a sight!
The crowd applauded such an ingenious save, now penguin hats, are all the rage.
The Mayor gave them animal service vests, so in the news, he wouldn’t be upstaged.

This allowed them into the Mall, where lit fountains flow, a fascinating place, indeed!
Dragon became their slide, as the kids marveled at their fancy whoop-de-do deeds.
Next dragon herded them to a western shop, for sunbonnets, cowboy hats, and duds.
The mayor up for re-election, again, came along, and also got completely, gussied up.

Next was a candy store, where Dragon bought them a few, Yep, they’re like all kids.
A sugar rush ensued. Dragon reeled them in, before: who knew what, heaven forbid!
He even had to get them, out of the skylights, not easy for a bird that doesn’t fly…
But by directing them to the ice ring… he let them wear off their lengthy sugar high.

At the Mall Food Court, was sushi, and the children got to feed, the penguins they knew.
Naturally, the further they went, the more crowds ensued, until they bid the mall adieu.
But first they went to the bookstore, as yes, penguins like to read and be read to, too.
They’re now planning a penguin adventure book, ‘All the Things a Penguin Can Do’.

Then leaving the crowds, they went home on Dragon’s back, a lakeside nap, overdue.
Now I ask you very simply, if the penguins were yours to baby sit, so true…
Where, oh where, would you go… with such a precious little cargo, and you?

Details | Haiku | |

Sound Sleeper

He was sound asleep.
A worm crawled out of his ear.
That was real creepy.

Details | Couplet | |

Dr Suess, Ten Pounds On The Bottom

Inspired by- Ten Apples Up On top

Ten pounds, ten pounds, on my bottom!
Good grief, good grief!, How fast I got'em!
I must, I must! Lose this  weight!
Or soon obesity will be my fate!
One pound, one pound! I'll start real slow..
One pound gone, nine more to go!
Two pounds, Two pounds! I'm on a roll!
To look like Twiggy is my goal!
Three pounds, Three pounds!  Not so bad!
But oh those doughnuts make me sad!
Four pounds, four pounds! I can do it!
This pound was tough, I almost blew it!
Five pounds, five pounds, half way there!
No more elevators, take the stair!
Six pounds, six pounds! Its going slow!
No more cookies? Another terrible blow!
Seven pounds, And then big number eight!
Beginning  to think cucumbers are just great!
Nine pounds , nine pounds ! Took forever!
Not going through this again, Never, Never!
Ten pounds lost at last! But not fair, not fair!
Why doI still look like a giant pear!

Details | Limerick | |

One Titty

There is a girl living in the city;
She was born with just one titty.
Her one tit is really big,
It kinda looks like a pig.
She’s free and proud and seeks no pity.

Details | Narrative | |

Lewd Octopi

While scuba diving I spotted a couple of octopi.
They were right in the midst of doing the nasty.
I immediately got the hell out of the water.
A guy was sitting there on the beach.
I told him about the two octopuses.
The old fart was a very learned professor.
He smugly informed me rather sternly
that the correct terminology was octopods.
I threw the well educated smartass into the water,
to my surprise he couldn’t swim and almost drown.
A quick thinking lifeguard jumped in and saved his sorry butt.
Some nosy busybody called the local constabulary
and I ended up spending a week in the local hoosegow.
That, good people, is my roundabout way of telling you
that my long time in coming vacation really sucked.

Details | Couplet | |

Wide Left

He always goes "wide left" when peeing after drinking
Expects me to scrub the floor stench; what is he thinking?

*Entry for Susan Burch's Couplet contest

Details | Carpe Diem | |


Your  love pricks me like a rose each thorn grows but no one knows Your so full of 
it as it shows so carry on now go on, go. I'm fed up with the phony and  i'm 
through with the tears, you couldn't pay me all your money to make up for those 
years. Someone help me I feel faint how could I think he was such a saint and 
worst of all I let me fall into a spiral down below. A magic called love carried 
by the dove of someone I use to know.

Details | Verse | |

Inevitable Bear

Oh lonely Inevitable Bear,
Padding claws, death in white
Sorrow in recurring nightmare
Instinct’s test; fight or flight?

Camouflage against the fence,
A challenge; my subconscious fear
Ominous slowly moving silence,
“Let me in, there’s a bear out here!”

Details | Free verse | |

Roll Call

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION

Details | Couplet | |



I have a general philosophical  precept
Life is in general a bowl of cherries except 
When someone stabs me in the back who didn’t oughta
From a completely unexpected quarter
I mean it’s ok if some dude whom I don’t like or trust
Has a go at me and feels he must
But if my wife tells me I continually bug her with my fidgets 
And then she  runs off with a team of one-legged circus midgets
Or my kids sell their hand-bound volumes of my poems
To buy a ton of horse manure to mix with the garden loams
And even the cat turns down my offer of warm milk
To go next door and sleep on sheets of silk
Or if a poetry contest excludes me simply because my name 
Is unacceptable, maybe because I am black, or lacking in fame, 
Or because I’m Methodist, and  gay, and Republican, and from  East Lansing,
Then I say to myself, well  here’s the thing:
If, along with my poem entry, I’ve  slipped in fifty bucks,
Well then  how can I be excluded?  I mean shucks  -
Rules is rules but when I’ve already paid to be in the winners’ list
I feel I have the right,  and  I just gotta insist,  
Cos midgets and fidgets don’t amount to squat
And sheets of silk or loads of horse manure is a lot
But  my name’s my pride and joy and I am proud to add it
(But I fear to do it again in this contest or I’ve had it),
So in this contest I will remain anonymous
Though I guess the details writ here are just about synonymous 
With a name  I do not dare speak  - at risk of exclusion
But I’m pretty sure this extra fifty bucks will lessen the confusion.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Written  - with great affection -  for
Nancy Jones's   Contest 	"This is how life feels when you get to be my age..."

Details | Limerick | |

A Million-Dollar Dream

One dollar buys a million dollar dream.
Lotteries excite thoughts of esteem.
One day I bought a ticket,
My angst began to fidget.
Until I screamed; then went to redeem!

Details | Free verse | |

Missing sock mystery solution

One of the biggest mystery's 
Known to man that makes no sense to me
Is why when washing a pair of socks
You can only ever find one
The solution don't buy just two socks but three
One for the sock fairy and a pair for us
End of the mystery.

Case closed mystery solved.

Peter Dome.copyright.2014.July.

Details | Carpe Diem | |


If its money I got its money ill keep. If its money I have its money ill weep. If its love that I give its love ill receive. For I am but no one who just see's beneath. Some say your only as strong as you feel, but how could we a place that's so unreal. People are hearing but..not really hearing. Why is the world so blind. I keep on screaming and screaming and screaming for things to be revolutionized. I am just a small song in a world full of cries, laughter, tears and french-fries.

Details | I do not know? | |


Butter flies
So it do

Details | Ballade | |

Bath time on a Friday

I do take a bath these days though...Honestly     lol...Peter

Bath time on a Friday

It’s bath time on a Friday
It really gets me down
When mum gets on that scrubbing lark
She really goes to town
She says I’m blooming dirty
But I had a bath last week
I tell her this, she screams at me’
‘I’ll to your father speak’ !

Then In it comes, that old tin tub
That’s hanging up outside
So off I goes all cunningly
To find a place to hide
But no, the mum’s right on to it
She’s having none of this
‘It’s Friday night’ she screams at me
‘That’s just the way it is’!!!!

Well, dad he has first bath, of course
Cause, him, well he’s the dad
Then mum, then sisters have their turn
Then, I am not too glad
To go in there amidst the slime
Of those four, who’ve been before me
Oh, how I hate these rotten baths
What an awful pain they be.

Details | Limerick | |

Full Circle

Just out of college, we would yearn for a touch
Sleeping together cuddled on the couch
Those were the days!
Of pre-wedding bouquets
Now I am told to go sleep alone on the couch

Details | Light Poetry | |

Not Well At All

Runny Nose,
Real Sore Butt,
Suck It Up.

Aching Toes,
Stiffened Knees,
Do Not Cry.

Burning Ears,
Busted Lip,
Tough It Out.

Swollen Nuts,
Cannot Piss,
Feel Your Pain.

Details | Ballad | |

the poverty blues song

I've got damp on my walls and cobwebs in the hall
got a rat in the kitchen
where the cockroach crawl.
I got holes in my shoes
where my toes peep through
I got a bad case of the poverty blues.

I got a crack in my bathtub and bed bugs in my bed
I got things crawlin through my hair
that make me scratch my head

Got piles of bills collected by my door
the one's I should have paid a year or two or more.
I try to get myself sorted
but always seem to lose
I got a bad case of the poverty blues.


I got trouble in my hovel
and the place could do with a good clean
I may not be superman
but  I try the best I can
I just find things so hard to do
Guess I got a bad case of the poverty blues.

Some people call me lazy
but I sure ain't crazy
I;m a man alone in the world what can I do
I got a bad case of the poetry blues.

I'd love to meet a girly
who could cook and clean
with lots of money
so I could live my dreams
one thet would say I do
so I no longer got to sing the poverty blues
say I no longer got to sing the poverty  blues uesssssssssssssss.

Peter Dome copyright. 2012.

Details | Free verse | |

Housework apathy

Housework what a chore
I refuse to do it any more 
My poor hands have blisters 
And my hands are sore
Oh my what a bore.

The more you do
The more you find
It's such hard work
And I don't have the time.

Some peoples houses are like a show room
Mine A sty
Think I was born without the tidy gene
I'm just a man who doesn't clean.

Antique pizza found under the coach
But how I wish I had a tidy house
Piles of books everywhere
If anyone came they couldn't find a chair.

I tried housework some years ago
But what I let myself in for I didn't know
I bought every cleaning substance known to man
I stood proud with a mop and bucket in my hands
You used to be able to look out of the windows and see the trees
I cleaned and scrubbed on my knees
I threw loads of stuff away. It seemed I was cleaning night and day.

Oh how I hate throwing things away
I keep everything thinking
It will come in handy one day
But it never does.

Oh won't someone come and clean for me
I can't help it I'm such a busy bee.

A man's work is never done
Not because we do any
Because it's far from fun
No we just think about it
And think some more
Oh why is housework such a chore.

''Not a true story, but I avoid it as much as poss''.

Peter Dome.copyright.2014. July.
And now I'm sat here tired frustrated
In my apron and rubber gloves

Details | Rhyme | |

Who Are They Trying to Impress

Who Are They Trying to Impress?

A cross between the bride of Frankenstein
And the Dalmatians’ Cruella De Ville
See teens walking at malls; glad they’re not mine
Absurd appearances give me a chill

Parents with tattoos ride on a Harley
Leather coats and gloves cut off at knuckles
Sprung from these roots that appear so gnarly
Teens upstaging their folks give me chuckles

Written for John Freeman's Boisterous Comedy Contest

Details | I do not know? | |

The kitchen sink

(Only the first line of this poem is true.)

I've written poems about everything but the kitchen sink.
I write so much that it hurts when I think.
I'd write some more but my pen is out of ink.
I'm the only man in my town who wears a mink.
Don't mess with me, I don't take sass.
If you tell anybody about my mink, I'll kick your ___.

Details | Rhyme | |

They Tax Our Axes

They want to tax our axes
Then, take away our trees.
They impose cell phone taxes.
Then, laugh and shoot the breeze.
Lodges, matches, bridges, britches,
Dresses, dishes, finches, fishes.
Hinges, hitches, hedges, hearses,
Lenses, lynxes, luscious lashes…
They dip their hands in every pot.
Spreading wealth around they say…
Big Business taxes are a lot…not!
The newfangled economic way –
The middle class will love to pay!

© January 29, 2011
Dane Smith-Johnsen

Details | Free verse | |


Reject letter sent by post. Applications online ignored. Too old Too young. Inexperienced. Do not drive. It must be the JSA blues. Countless jobs for the unemployed. Just search and see. It must be true the papers say. This Government would not lie. Reject letter sent by post. Applications online ignored. Too old Too young. Inexperienced. Do not drive. It must be the JSA blues. Take any job you can get. Work 80 hours a week. It's for your well being, the papers say. This Government would not lie. Reject letter sent by post. Applications online ignored. Too old Too young. Inexperienced. Do not drive. It must be the JSA blues. Take minimum wage if you must. That is all you are worth. You will thank us some day the papers say. This Government would not lie. Reject letter sent by post. Applications online ignored. Too old Too young. Inexperienced. Do not drive. It must be the JSA blues. I have the JSA blues This Government would not lie. The JSA blues. Government would not lie. JSA Blues. Would not lie. JSA blues. Not lie. JSA blues. LIE!

Details | Haiku | |

Note to Self

Stop writing haikus
They don’t even make sense now
Something something cake

Details | Haiku | |


A Christmas wish list
A quick glimpse into my life
Not much going on

Details | Couplet | |

Writer's Block

You know what I hate about writer’s block,
How my creativity is hidden behind a lock;

Time ticks away as I stare at my screen,
My heart beating faster from the strain of caffeine;

The cursor flashing lulls me to doze,
Til a fly lands smack on the tip of my nose;

I swing at the fly and glance at the clock,
How did 10 AM turn into 5 O’clock;

I stand and I stretch and then walk away,
And say goodbye to another wasted day;

Maybe tomorrow will inspire my brain,
Or I could be slowly going insane…

Details | Rhyme | |

Bed Linen Blues

To the wall, to that hard-to-reach corner I bend
That's right! (you old son-of-a gun!)
Now work your way backward, down to the foot-end
First things first, get the worst of it done!

Ya know, it’s like life! There's a lesson to learn
How SIMPLE, yet DEEP can it be?
I reap what I sow and I'm... paid what I earn??
Thank you lord! I finally see!!

...Uh-oh, wait a minute, there's some kinda' glitch
Something’s wrong, something just-does-not-match
The damn things' on SIDEWAYS, you SON of a b***h!
Now you gotta' start over from scratch!!

See, the short end's too short and the long end's too wide
(Just relax, stay focused, get it right!)
Aw, screw the whole thing!! Ain't no skin off MY hide!!
(Sh-t, just sleep on the couch tonight)

***Edited version of a previous post (Writer's block remedy)

Details | Free verse | |

Not Such A Noble Knight

I'm a noble knight
But in rusty armour
My horse isn't really a horse
but a stubborn mule
I came last at Knight school

My sword is bent
my armour full of dents
I see a Dragon or a fight
I run I take flight

In fact I'm not a knight at all
failed the test
to fat too small

The only damsels I attract 
are Damsel flies from the trees
But still I dream

One day.

Peter Dome.Copyright.2012.

Details | Rhyme | |

Why I Don't Like Boys

You bellow and spit before my face,
Grabbing your crotch with pride,
Yet when I roll my eyes and turn away,
My friends are mystified,

Forgive me, but these oafs I see
Just do not have a clue,
Why would I date these monkeymen
When I can see them at the zoo?

In five years' time, perhaps your brain
Will struggle to the stage
When you've matured, and can manage to
At least act half your age.

Details | Rhyme | |

Not Sofa King Cool

College Dorm sleeps
Four per room
Keg party 
Too much Boom

Drunk freshman sleeps
Where he falls
Coeds toss him on 
The sofa 
Instead of snooze in
the halls

Sorority girl 
Named him  
“Sofa King Tool”
Now he feels like a Fool
Not Sofa King Cool

Details | Haiku | |


Laps up cool water
Lifts up head
Get off the toilet!

Details | Limerick | |


When your tooth aches, life just is no good.
There's some aches that can't be withstood.
Stubbed toes I can handle
They don't hold a candle
To the pain that doth test my manhood.

The unmistakable look on my face
Like I swallowed the whole can of mace
And I can't be for certain
Exactly which tooth is hurtin'
Please pull them ALL out, just in case.

Dental hygiene is good and deserves
All the praise for the teeth it preserves.
But when it starts to slip,
Pass the Polident Dentu-Grip.
The great thing about nerves!

Details | Free verse | |

Why oh why oh my

Why do we always get a huge spot
On the end of our nose before a date
And the we turn up much too late
Why do things always break down in three's
And get sea sick on the sea
Can't find the car keys in a hurry
Why do I always worry
Why is it when your in the bath
The telephone always rings
And when you search for something
You can't find anything
But find something you left before
Why are lectures such a bore
Why is the grass never greener on the other side
And why does the movie Bambi
Always make you cry
Why do I have such hairy legs and such hairy thighs
Why don't we get a suntan on our eyes
Why does my computer always go down
Why is it such a battle shopping in town
Why do women wear skirts
Even when it's bitter cold does it hurt
Why am I always the last in the que
And have so many people frown at you
Why do we always burn a cake
Why can't I float like a butterfly
And dance swan lake
Why do we get dust bunnies under the bed
And after a drink or two
We get a pickled head
Why are banana's bent
Why can't I ever pay the rent
Who is Bill I send my money to
Why do I have to take my teeth out to chew
Why do I always run out of toilet paper sat on the loo
Why do pigs run about naked and roll in the mud
I'd do the same thing if I could
Why are my girlfriends always insane
Why is my little toe in so much pain
Why can I only ever find one sock
Why is so difficult when pickled to turn the lock
Why do my feet stink
And my underpants always come out of the wash pink
Why am I writing this
Any single women out there
Want a kiss

Ar well such is life, damn hard without a wife.
And so darn lonely

Peter Dome.copyright.2014. July.

Peter Dome.copyright.

Details | Free verse | |

Reflections: Intellectualism

To Dine, To Die;
Conversations spiral
While thunderous eyes
Grasp concepts to recycle.

Constant debt crisis
A political paradox
Grating social devices
Over the sorting of socks.

An endless groan
Argumental paralysis
The debate grants no throne.

Over a roast
Potatoes won't listen
To who talks the most.

"That point is so interesting"
The floor is open for chat
"What is real?" not a thing
"Meow" adds the cat.

Details | Free verse | |

The Switch Up

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION


Details | Narrative | |

What's Fair

Who decides what's fair?
I dunno - but I can sure
Tell you what's 

Putting out costumed morsels
On Halloween night
And having their parents or other large beasts accompany them
Some of the large ones carry mace
The worst ones
Carry wooden stakes

Tasty-looking tots go from door to door
Trusting in the kindness of strangers
Who will give them candy
And toys

But not ONE will come
Into my parlor
Willingly or not

I've had a few tugs of war
Over several treats
Who tend to scream
And somebody big always
Comes to their rescue

Then they go away
WIth all their TREATS

Whilst I remain here

Now THAT'S not fair!

Details | Quatrain | |

12 o'clock 12 o'clock 12 o'clock

12 o'clock... 12 o'clock... 12 o'clock! How does one set the damn clock Had to put a sheet on my new clock radio To get the damn flashing to stop Thought I was smart, quite intelligent But technology has me all bamboozled Tried reading the manual that comes with the unit To comprehend, from my brain came refusal My smart ass ten year old nephew came by "Not a problem dear uncle, I'll fix it" A minute and a half later, the damn flashing stopped Felt dorkish and kind of a twit My fervent prayer which I offer without malice That technology buries this young geek In a deluge of bits and bytes and firewalls Till no longer he can get a night's sleep! © Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Romanticism | |

Reflections in the Firelight

The wood is piled
my emotions riled
Sweet expectations
settle in my soul

Sweat dappled brows
my emotions drowse
sudden conclusions
fill in the hole

of my heart.

The fire started in the pit
warming ourselves 
in it's globe
and there we sit
like two lost elves
waiting to disrobe

Take your time,
The perfect man
does exist.

rlm '09

Details | Prose Poetry | |

Lawyer Envy

(The writing exercise was to choose three poetry cliches and make them fresh)
(back stabber, after my own heart; and a soul of discretion; maybe more...)

He was a back stabber
After my own heart
Meek and sleek and sneaky
He wormed his way in
And 'innocently' uncovered
State secrets
Private tales
Skeletons in closets
They were all fair game

He was a back stabber
Not to be trusted
But had 
Such a sweet smile
That promised a soul of discretion
It was too easy to believe him
It felt good to trust him

He pulled his victims in
And it wasn’t until the court case
Was over
And the jury voted for him
That you realized he was a back stabber

He pulled it off with such panache
And charm
You had to admire the guy
Even while you staunched your blood

I wish – oh I wish
I had his skills
He was a back stabber
After my own heart

Details | Tanka | |

PS: PS - I'm Pissed

WRONG CODE!! (You dumb-ass)
and in RED LETTERS as well?
Was there a CRIME here?
Shall you summon a SWAT team?
Just a COMMENT for god's sa...

Details | Acrostic | |

Clarissa's Valentine Diary of Passion- serial Acrostic

February 2009

Pretty in red, her tears start to flow
All dressed up and nowhere to go
She got dumped after he had his way
Sweet revenge follows this Valentine’s Day
 Into the river his body will go
One knife, an alibi, no-one will know
Now what better day for his bad blood to flow

to be continued…..

February 2010

Proudly relieved that she didn’t get caught
Alibi solid, her story they bought
Sweet Valentines’ Day will be all she wished for
She’s found a new love, couldn’t ask for much more
Incidentally she’s hoping and praying that he
On this day will make her a new bride-to-be		
Nothing good lies ahead, if he doesn’t  agree.

to  be continued…..

February 2011

Perfect in white, this she didn’t foresee,
Alone in the church, where the devil  is he?
Standing alone in her wedding gown
Somebody whispered the groom had fled town
Into the limo so no-one would know
Once again Valentine tears start to flow
Nobody dumps her, she won’t let this go.

to  be continued….
February 2012

Payback is lurking, his receipt she found
A step behind him she’s Canada bound
She has revenge written all over her face 
Smith and Wesson, in her case
It might convince him to take her advice
Or face consequences, without thinking twice
Nasty Clarissa, will he pay the price?

to be continued……



Details | Ballade | |

Prolific, I guess that' me

Prolific, I guess that’s me

I read a poem by ilene Baur
Prolific, she called it
I saw myself right in those words
And it made me smile a bit
Then I asked myself this question
Why do I write so much?
Each time a subject comes along
My busy mind to touch….

Then I just grab a pencil
And a poem is written down
I guess it’s my addiction
I just hope that folk don’t frown
And say ‘Oh no! Not him again
Each time they see my stuff
I guess if I was in their shoes
I’d say “hey that’s enough!!!”

So bear with me good people
And If I cause you grief
By writing all these empty words
Then you may gain relief
By passing everything I write
Not reading it at all
And yet I hope this is not so
When you comment, it’s real cool.

8 August 2013 @ 0940hrs.

Details | Couplet | |

Bombastous Zephyr

There’s a bombastous zephyr blowing outside
Swinging the street signs from side to side;

Squall like whirlwinds are kicking up dust,
I’m inhaling more dirt with every big gust;

My eyelids are caked with soil and grime,
Forcing my sideways time after time;

When will this bombastous zephyr subside,
Cause it’s getting tougher with every stride;

The wind is blowing my hair in my face,
But I plunge on forward with awkward grace;

The treetops are bending with ever big blast,
As I wonder silently how long it can last;

I feel like Dorothy in the tornado’s clutch,
This bombastous zephyr is becoming too much!

~For Paula Swanson's Contest~

Details | Sonnet | |

The Broken Girl-not me

Is my life not tortured enough for you to see? 
I am broken as can be. 
My heart is torn. 
My tears stain these perfect floors.  
Why are singing with glee? 
Why do you not care about my every plea? 
I am trapped in your arms. 
I am the hopeless moth. 
How did you pick me? 
What is it that you see? 
A girl untouched by life? 
A flower blooming in the desert? 
I have said goodbye to my loving integrity.  
You took that from me through R-A-P-E.

Details | Couplet | |

Valentine Romance

Valentines day is always something special to me, I explained. 
So I planned a romantic evening and got ready for my campaign.
The children were at a sleepover with their favorite friends they adore.
So I met my hubby as he came in, accidentally tripping and making him hit the door.
Thank God his head is hard as he hit that, the nearby TV, but very little more.
I made Cherries Jubilee as a snack while he sat there with an ice pack to his head. 
But before I knew it, I’d knocked it over and almost burned down the house instead.
When he finally put the fire extinguisher away…
I got up and got some of the kids’ apple tarts I had made. 
He bit in deep and burned his mouth, declaring he wasn’t hungry and the pain would fade.
Next he decided to go upstairs, but I had put rose petals down everywhere in spades.
And yes you probably guessed it… he slipped and ended up needing a little aide.
At this he decided to take an aspirin and lay down upon the couch. OH  HHWell…
But I knew the rest needed to happen above, to totally create this romantic spell…
I had to get him to the candles and bubble bath, where my romantic dreams still dwelled. 
So I got out some scarves and danced toward him, tying up his hands before he fell.
He never knew what hit him as he was lassoed and gently bounced up the stairs.
I guess I wouldn’t have had to tie his feet… a few words would have done as well.
But you know me when I get going, my mind tends to lose a few brain cells…
He was flustered, exhausted and bruised when he got there, but he’s made of the right stuff.
Though as I took off the scarves, he flopped on the bed pulling the covers over his head kind of rough.
He said he loved me, but living with me could be kind of tough.
He said it was better to leave it to him, for the romantic endeavors and such.
He said he had reservations and play tickets in his shirt pocket for later on that night.
But what he needed now was some aspirin and a few moments of quiet respite. 
So with a sigh he started snoring, and my romantic dreams were momentarily crushed.
I dearly love the man you know. But, do you think maybe I tried too much?

Details | Free verse | |

Poetic Predators

She wolf of the poetic world who run
and struggle to maintain her dignity 

Our words, our dreams are falling to pieces 
By, the predators of this time period 
We are the prey for  the fearful ones 
Who scrolls and display rude comments? 

Deep within as you lament over our poems 
 we rise up stronger than ever
Composing rhyme, lyric and prose 
Unlike your hatred about likes and dislikes 
Narrative poems portrays the truth 
We shine, we meddled, and somehow, we win 
We are stronger; death with dignity is a poet emblems 

Pieces of our past anthology anguish you 
Your Savage behavior bites you each time; 
We compose; you pursue 
We are the death of your souls 

Mr. Sleepless White Nights 
Your predators, you editors
Are you addicted to your inner critic
We have our rights 
You confounded wretch night stalkers. 

Details | I do not know? | |

Forgetfulness x-x

Oh no!! I forgot – I had a plate of dessert In the cool freezer Oh no!! Dad forgot – He left his blue bowl of fruit On the clean counter!

Details | Rhyme | |

NP Dinging Seatbelt

What is it about seatbelts,
That cowboys find so bad,
And the worst offender of them all,
Would have to be my dad;

He leaves his belt unbuckled,
And it makes an awful ding,
What is so dang hard about,
Buckling the up the thing;

It dings and dings the whole dang drive, 
Music can’t drown it out,
If you’ve heard that annoying buzz,
You’ll know what I’m talking about;

All it takes is a second, 
Just buckle it and it’s through,
So pray that horrible annoyance,
Never happens to you!

Details | Free verse | |

Rocky part 103

There have been so many Rocky movies to see
Rocky is now 103
And very rocky indeed.

It's always the same story
About a big Italian American chap
But if you ask me
It's a load of crap
And he should hang up his gloves
Just like any hasbeen should

Last night I turned on my TV set
Rocky was on yet again!!!!!
I threw my remote control
because I was so upset.

It changed the channel
and what did I see
Another repeat of Rocky 23!!!!


Peter Dome.copyright.2014.

Details | Bio | |

Shopping, American Style

I wonder if this is a trait
reserved only for Americans,
Or do all humans suffer
From this dementia?

I saw an item advertised
In my local paper
A one day sale
Limited quantities.
So Hurry In!!!!

This was something I'd 
wanted for years,
And the price was reasonable,
But a forty mile ride to get there

So, I drove the distance
To this big Department store,
Speeding a bit
I hoped they would still have more,

A line at the check out counter,
Department Manager on the phone,
Every few moments you could hear a groan,
And another frustrated customer
left for good...

Before I knew it, I was at the front of the line
The manager and sales clerk buzy
With a potential customer on the phone,
Now I understood the groan.
This potential customer was shopping
by phone, with endless questions...

Seemed there was no way to get these people's
I waved, I knocked on the counter,
I repeatedly begged for assistance
But the Bozo on the phone got all
of their attention.
Live customers waving cash in thr air
Made no difference to them,
As they decribed every item in the

I turned to the eight or so people behind me
"Isn't this Ridiculous?"
Turning away from live customers,
eager to buy, and spending all your attention
to some clown on the phone too lazy to come by!

So now, when such an incident arises,
I'll call them from my cell phone,
While on line,
And perhaps, then, I'd be taken seriously.

Details | I do not know? | |

Nothing But Lint

Nothing But Lint Nothing but lint in my pocket. It could be said that I am skint. I did have cash to start the day. But money, no sooner earned, is no sooner spent … they say. Now I sit alone in a diner cafe. Slowly drinking one last black coffee. But hey! What is that on the floor? Near the leg of the table by the door. It's a new penny coin all shiny with glint. Now there is something in my pocket … besides lint.

Details | Free verse | |


They talk and talk
Running in circles
Trying to make sense
Of what they have, between the two of them.

They both have a lot of baggage, I suppose
Old wounds that haven’t entirely healed
Memories that tug at them when they indulge in reminiscence
Tears they have never shed, anger they have never expressed.

They are a bit like wary children,
Meeting for the first time across a playpen
Wanting to play, but cautious too
Awkward and shy, not sure what will happen
If he isn’t good at peek-a-boo
Doesn’t like to color the flowers pink and blue
And many such things which she likes to do.

Or worse yet, what if he is mean and a bully?
Pulls her pigtails and makes her cry
Destroys her drawing, draws a mustache on her pretty butterfly?
So she is cautious, and quiet as a mouse
Peering at him through her lashes, too shy to tell him to come close.

He, on the other hand, tries to look bored and impressive
And like he has done this a million times
Like he knows a lot, lot more than he actually does
The alphabet, the spelling of his name, songs and rhymes.

He has met girls before; and thought they were silly
Squealed too much, wore clothes that were too frilly.
This girl was no different; she wore a pink bow and carried a dumb doll
But there was something about her, which made him think girls weren’t so bad after all.

She, on the other hand, had never talked to a boy before
Nor had she ever wanted to
Boys were aliens to her, those loud sweaty things
Who eat their nose boogies, and always have something naughty to do.
But this boy, with his big floppy bunny ears;
Something in his voice and his laugh, too
Made her want to sit next to him, and pat his hand when he got a boo-boo.

So they sit, on far ends of the playpen, sneaking peeks at each other,
Making up their minds to ask the other to play together
And changing their minds the next instant-
Maybe it’s not a good idea to be so blatant.

Maybe they will become friends, before the bell rings, before the day is over
Or maybe they will be strangers forever.
However it turns out, they will be okay
Because that is children’s way-
They always end up finding someone with whom to play.

Neither of them knows how they feel about each other
Or if anything at all
All they know is that they want the other to stick about
At least long enough for them to figure it out.

So that is the story, of two grown-up children
Trying to make life happen
Reaching out for something that looks golden
But then again
Even if it they end up mistaken,
They’ll eventually find the right person
Somewhere in this big wide playpen.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Senior Moments

Please remember to remind me
Because sometimes I forget
That I forgot to do something
(How forgetful of me!)
What did I forget, you ask?
Umm, well I guess I for...
(Forget what?)
NOW, lets see here...
What WAS the whole thing
That I just told you I forgot to forget?
And by the way...
Just what the heck IS it
That I forgot to forget in the first place?
Have you forgotten to remember to remind me?
(Remind me of what?)
Aha! don't remember do you? 
You forget who you're dealing with here!
And another thing...
Just who in blazes ARE you dealing with?
You've messed with the wrong person, fella!
I NEVER forget a face!
Apparently you've forgotten
I have the memory of an ele...

By: Um...

Details | Rhyme | |

39A to 39Z

When I was young, I noticed
Many adults stopped aging at 39.
Had something to do with Jack Benny
And trying to hold back time.
Then I noticed something else.
They often spoke of retiring at 65,
And many of them seemed to hope
They might still be alive.
The difference came to 26, 
A number I knew very well.
The number of letters in the alphabet
We use to print and write and spell.

Then it occurred to me,
For folks holding youth so dear,
Just add a letter to 39
Each and every year.
39A would be 40,
39Z would be 65.
After that, start letters over again
Or just be glad you’re still alive.
So, you see, it’s easy
To forever be 39.
You may fool yourself & others, 
But you can’t fool Father Time.

Details | Free verse | |

Monster Mowers

I am quite content with my little mowing machine; it does the job for me.
But not my crazy neighbors whom I used to call my friends, briefly…
Now they’ve become competitive, crazed out, monsters looking for a win.
Competition was breed deep within, and power is a drug therein…
So when one got a riding mower, the other did one more.
But that was not enough, as the escalation carried forth, for sure…
Now one has torn his fence down, to let his monster roar right in.
The poor guys now need ladders to get upon their seats to take a spin.
And the motors are so powerful; they throw grass way down the street.
The noise is so very deafening, that to forget the roar, it takes all week.
And the tires are so very big that they trample the grass, I swear.
But that doesn’t seem to deter them, as they continue planning in their lairs.
It appears speed is now their latest thought, with which they were truly blessed.
And it doesn’t seem to matter that their yards are the size of a mouses' nest.
So I ran away down the street, the last time they launched those baby’s forth.
And I took out more insurance, in case they go beyond their intended mark.
You see my house sits right between them, and I’m worried they’ll land upon my 
Especially after they were asking my hubby, how fast jet engines can go forth…
And what about nitro burners… will they help give speed and power, too?
In desperation, trying to save my house, I bought front-page newspaper space…
There I declared a place in the city park where safely they could race.
And added: whoever could mow it fast with the best job, would win first place…
And in Hollywood they would find themselves in the new reality show craze.
I found getting someone to film this fiasco wasn’t so very hard to find.
The entire city came out, including the police, ambulances and all, with them in mind
When the competition was over, the mowers were broken and thoroughly spent.
The final declaration was found to be: they’d only simply tied and not won yet…
In the end, one mower was in the city pool and the other on the mayor's car.
The police dispersed the ensuing fight, between those two, not finding it funny at all.
Fortunately, the Doctors said they’d live, their injuries were really rather small.
So they both went home undefeated, to continue the race again once more.
And the only person to truly gain that day was I; you need not have a doubt.
I sold the film to Hollywood… And used the funds to buy a far-a-way, different 

Details | Monorhyme | |


A guy chomping in my face I simply cannot stand
Especially when I'm hungry--I'm gonna snatch that out of your hand!!!
Ah, for more food, I'd give up any land or man
Until I step back on that scale at home--oh, damn!!!

**inspired by that one guy eating what should have been /MY/ McDonalds hamburger... ;)

Details | Couplet | |

The Obesification of America


I'm afraid the sad reality is that America is getting fat
You just have to look around and see the truth of that

On a daily basis it's said we're all eating way to much
And the concept of exercise finds us completely out of touch

Our children hardly go outside to run around and play
Instead we find them watching TV a good part of the day

Food comes  frozen, processed or in a package of some kind
If you read the ingredients it will surely blow your mind

Americans choose Mickey D's  for a burger kind of lunch
We should be eating veggies or something with a crunch

My Doctor lectured me on the size of my expanding butt
But I'm sure I caught him trying hard to hold in his own gut

So the next time your talking about how we're doing as a nation
Perhaps you could work "obesification" into the conversation........

Details | I do not know? | |

Nike Sneakers

Stop, Look, Listen!

 This Emergency is Dire

 I,ve Perched myself on a Telephone Wire

Crowds have gathered below I,m starting to Perspire

I do not want Money or to Be known as Sire

 All I Ask to soothe my Psyche

 is a simple pair of sneakers with a swoosh 

and the letters spelled N-I-K-E

Details | Lyric | |


My rhymes are timeless while this time is lifeless
why is life this kind less, reminds me that this
mind is spineless ready to tip and quit, as
my lies become mindless and get swollen shut
and Stuck up inside my sinus
Drivin in my prime but with no optimus
Victim to the flip-side of the Midas
Running through my blood like a virus
The sun makes my skin mundane
rubbin on ben gay but get arthritis
touch spermicide and converts to hepatitis
I hit the plus sign but it just musters up a minus
I'm seen sucking my thumb like the peanut's Linus
I run and duck when I hear the sirens cause
I abducted the president's Nike air pumps
now air force one is trying to find us
I'm at my desk obsessin about success but
This whole time its been right behind us

Details | Couplet | |

Scaring Myself

I tiptoe through the darkness as silent as the night,
My ears attuned to any sound, there’s not a soul in sight;

Goosebumps prickle across my skin as panic washes over me,
I hear the slightest noise ahead and I strain my eyes to see;

My uneasy breathing fogs the air as my heart pounds on in dread,
I stand in the black frozen in fear, my feet have turned to lead;

I shiver uncontrollably as I wait in the dark alone,
Terror grips my heart as I prepare to face the unknown;

I’m poised on the balls of my feet ready to bolt into the night,
Then as I’m getting ready to make a dash, my hubby flips on a light!

Details | Quatrain | |


It's only a poem.
Don't use that word.
I'm trying real hard,
despite what you've heard.

It's gonna get better.
I won't be deterred.
I've only just started.
and won't be deferred

It has a great ending
and won't be absurd.
Not one that I wanted,
but one I preferred.

It's not very long
and won't leave you spurred.
Unless you read slower
than what I've inferred.

I've added a climax
that won't go unheard.
Unless you're much older
than what I've concurred.

I'm nearing the end;
in which I've conferred,
to leaving you something
I hope has recurred.

And now for the ending
to which I referred.
In leaving you nothing
Accept for the

Details | Limerick | |

The Political Fence

I sat on my Republican fence.
Looking at politicians from thence.
And what did I see
Looking back at me?
Disenfranchised freedoms with no sense.

Details | Couplet | |


Woke up with a funny taste in my mouth;
Drank all my mouthwash, think I ate a mouse.

Burned out my razor just shaving my face.
It seems that I'm shedding all over the place.

I'm allergic to silver, the Wolfsbane's in bloom,
And I hate it whenever we have a full moon.

Can't keep a girlfriend, they don't understand,
No walks in the moonlight while I hold their hand.

My dog doesn't like me, the cat ran away,
And others bemoan one single bad day.

For Wolf Man The Beginning Contest by SillyBilly the Kidster

Details | Free verse | |


Don't hold it against me

Details | Senryu | |

House of WEED

Aromas, green, sweet
Enter through doorway now 
S—sick horror can’t breathe 

Details | Monorhyme | |

10 Things That Suck

At three in the morning the Internet calls out.
Come to the computer; visit friends round about.
All of a sudden, soon pulling hair out,
The lights go off, a total blackout…shutout!

Dressed for the country, a total knockout,
In a new white blouse, nothing worn-out,
Marshmallows and smores cooked at the cook out.
Chocolate on the blouse that will not wash out!

Friends coming over for a big night out,
Children run to windows; keep a lookout.
Their car slips and slides while they are in route.
Festivities become a complete washout.

Going for a visit, the Interstate route.
A car passes by; guess what is thrown out.
Part of a burger with a Whopper handout,
Right in the face of the driver's shouting snout.

Rushing one morning to the punch-clock readout.
Arriving on time, that day had some doubt.
Picking up speed cautiously on the look out!
BLAM! The tire explodes, too late, a blowout.

The day's shopping spree had a strange payout.
Smoke from the windows escaping there out.
Eggs were left boiling when the cook went out.
Shells hit the ceiling and the floor; freak out!	

Walking barefooted on a beautiful route.
(Garden shoes were old with the soles worn out.)
Soft-smelly brown embrace toes round about.
Run to the hose to wash the stinky stuff out.

Planting a garden with success in doubt.
Hoping for sun and for a big payout.
Watering tomatoes in times of drought.
One night of insects, the crop is wiped out!

The birthday present would really standout.
Glow-in-the-dark wrapping, would be far-out.
Fluorescence to shine when the lights go out,
But I left it home and arrived without.

A walk in the park to get a workout,
Flowers and children enjoyed throughout.
Birds chirp in trees, their favorite hideout.
A direct hit in the eye; bird fallout, wash out!  

©  October 8, 2011
Dane Smith-Johnsen

Details | Rhyme | |

Drippity drip drip

Take me there I don't care Touch my hair Eat this pear!!! I am bare Want to share? Do you care? I am bear I'll let you stare Don't go there By the chair Or on that stair? Your skin is fair You look like Cher Come to my lair But pay my fare Drippity drip drip

Details | Quatrain | |

Hot Diggety Dog

Hot diggety dog, hear me bellow My ship's finally made it to shore It's left me agog this brand new life I'll be wanting for nuttin' no more! Never guessed I'd ever discover Friends I didn't know I had Just showing up from outta nowhere Claiming to be best buds as lads Folks always seem to gather around The smell of the mighty buck Popping outta the woodwork it seems Too bad, they're just out of luck Don't give in, it's a common old ploy It's as old as a Tracy named Dick Tell 'em scram and don't come back Urge 'em on with a little kick
© Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Enclosed Rhyme | |

Lost in Cyberspace

That'll teach me
Or will it?
Penned a poem with the keyboard
Dumb move, 
I admit it.

You're not going to get me
I tapped back in
And my words 
Disappeared again
Oh, that's a sin.

Poor poet on line
Why dost thou insist
On leaving your pen behind
When you know 
It is a risk?

They were tapping back at me
As if they knew the rules
And then
I hit that key
And finally lost my cool.

Details | Light Poetry | |

High Blood Pressure and White Coat Fever

I would plunge in a raging river
To save a sweet child just like that
Charge a flaming house with no quiver
To rescue some fat scardy-cat

Cause I wouldn't have time to THINK about it
And wind up whining to a SHRINK about it

About how that thing squeezes
How it unnerves and freezes
Feeling blood pump in my arm
Sets off that damn panic alarm
I can read her face like a book
The nurse with a disgusted look
"It's high to the max
Would you just please relax?
You're close to a stroke"
(Lord, I need a smoke)

'Doc throw a left hook and just DECK me
Or shoot me with drugs and THEN check me'

Okay, I'm a coward, big deal!
Guess I ain't nobody's hero
So why when they're done do I feel?
My ego-gauge plummet to zero?

Details | Burlesque | |

Flee Market Feelings

Come one come all,
A bargain calls!
The first who buys,
Will take this prize:

Freshly beating,
Hard and strong,
And never wrong!

Broke and mended,
Well defended,
Steady measure,
Immune to pleasure!

Skipping soundly,
Somewhat roundly,
Partially insane,
And can’t take pain!

Hurry, hurry!
Rush and scurry!
Oh do not fail, 
This heart’s for sale…

Details | Canzone | |



I’ve known so many men who’ve left and I prayed they’d never come back
And then there is this one dude who left the North and traveled down south
He carried his meager belongs in a bag akin to Santa’s Xmas sack
He’s a dude who has never learned to shut his foolish mouth

He thinks himself wise yet he’s nothing but a fool
So he stands on a corner begging people’s ear
He uses his mouth as a rusted and useless tool
For he has nothing to say which people want to hear

They’ve heard the same things in a thousand different ways
Like Chicken Little and his assertion that the sky will fall
He begs the people to look up for he is a pious man who devoutly prays
Yet all of these people are wise enough to ignore his call

He’s got big ideas, a big mouth and won’t keep quiet on a bet
No one likes him as they try to avoid what they hear and see
He thinks himself so smart yet he has trouble with the alphabet
And I know he’s ignorant because that man is me
         © 2011.…..Phreepoetree  ~free cee!~

Details | Free verse | |

Dinner Party and Guess Whose Invited

A cannon waiting to explode hold my heart within chambered walls
I stood right beside the feast but couldnt bear to sit 
I wined and I dined but I stand 
Holding my mischief in my right hand puffing and dragging in the other one
I smell its swirl robust and ripe ready off the vine
He is the reason why people like me drink 
Sober is for the agoraphobics but in my adventures I do gather ouside
In the garden by the psychadelic frog ribbitting the tunes of Marley
Dressed like Jimmy, sat down on the lily-pad guitar
Strummed slowly and for in my hurt one moment I began to sing and laugh
Dry and chuckled I'm always the last one to choke
Hang on a word too many while I drink the swirl sip my curiosity 
Unleash uncage inhabit my new prey while I fake pretend pray no incarceration

Details | Rhyme | |

Marching Years

There’s a chemical factory upon my face
I have lines and spots I need to erase
I mix elixirs and daily apply
The aging process I cannot deny

I have marks and wrinkles and sagging skin
The lines increase and I can’t seem to win
Freckles increase and begin to align
Like routes on a map – I’ve lived a long time!

I sunblock, peel, use Oils of Olay
I moisten and cream my parts – every day
I shave and massage, apply hot face oil
It’s my avocation; how hard I toil.

Silicone, botox, collagen from cows
Inject as much as my money allows
I need to move from my face to my legs
My veins mark muscles with little blue pegs

Choices are limited – laser?  Saline?
The process somehow is getting obscene
I endure the pain as they inject
I need to recover my self respect!

Details | Rhyme | |

guilty regardless

your honor he is guilty please put him in his place
no evidence is needed look at his guilty face
the victim was business man and he a homeless bum
besides when we said freeze, first thing he did was run

I know he had no motive and an airtight alibi
but he confess to murder when we questioned him inside
The confession was obtain by the book, with good detective work
right before he confessed  he fell down and got hurt

then he grabbed my baton and bashed himself three times
then choked himself unconscious, and peed his pants one time
we told him he could leave if he confess to this event
then filled him in cause he did not know exactly how it went

with much support from us he got the story down
guilty on all charges as the gavel pounded down

surely he is guilty  though we did not find the drugs
his wife and kids are lying they are no more than thugs
we destroyed the house from top to bottom we have torn out every wall
we must have overlooked it cause we found no drugs at all

their has to be an answer why we found no contraband
we can not let him go, we need to arrest this man
lets take some drugs from evidence and place it in his car
surprise look what I found, guilty is what you are.

this could be a little better but I had a five minute break at work and the poem 
guilty I read up here inspired it

Details | Haiku | |

My Phone

Oh old mobile phone
Thanks for fixing my toilet
Now scared to touch you

Details | Rhyme | |

Mystery Machine

Never bought a used vehicle....thought it was too chancy
Found a reasonable price on a used Pontiac Montana van real fancy
Had a few quirks and they made it all right 
She ran real fine for a few months then came the alarm lights
One then two audible and flashing the oil was dangerously low
Checked the oil and it was full; I new this machine was gonna cost me some dough!!
Drove to the dealer and traded it for a Lemona
A brand new set of problems in the Sienna

Details | Rhyme | |

After The Smoking

Here I sit, one year later;
no more smoking, lungs are clear.

I have more new habits now;
one is lots of good, cold beer.

Food is now my sacred cow;
what's for dinner, here and now.

Am I happy ? Well, heck no ;
all my flesh has turned to dough.

Clothes don't fit; way too small ;
buttons popping ; zippers stall.

Trading one vice for another;
is truly just one great, big bother.

Do I smell food in the kitchen ?
Now my nose is really twitchin'.

Details | Free verse | |

The Eternal Infernos of Pain

Front and Center!
Those Gates adorned with pearls in Heaven.
White angels soaring. 

If by chance, 
Ordered to enter;
Through St. Peter's Permission; 
I demand from you chancellor; 
A swift insanity plea, submission. 
For this troubled soul is plagued, 
By vast displays of wicked ways. 

None lost. 
Courtesy of meticulous examination. 
Love lost. 

Diligence pending Investigation. 
Key Evidence, perpetually documented 
In Sin's ominous catalog. 
Rebuke my Judge! 
For multitudes of shortcomings, 
He failed to ascertain. 

Moreover, present was He, 
When Satan drafted me. 
First round,
Pick three.
His Fantasy League...
"The Eternal Infernos of Pain" 

JS Lambert

Details | Free verse | |

Not Again

The worst day
To ever sprout 
From the depths of Hade
Could not begin to express
How he made me feel.

Who would have guessed?
He had follicles
That put even the most 
Queen to shame.

And it’s true
I envies his
Velvet smooth,
Shining skin.

I put my heart on the line
And to have it come back
With a letter of 

I’m crushed,
Cold, and
 Consumed with the dreams
Of the past.

Now, I watch
As he shimmies by
With his bedazzled

Details | Burlesque | |


I am only one person…I am only one mom
One parent today who can’t seem to hold on~
Their demands are so plenty
I tolerate it all
There is no one but me
Only MOM……when they call!
I am withering away….I am usually so patient 
But just for today Lord
Make them stop calling MOMMY 
               please …….. just for one second!

I clean up their room ….put their animals back
To my utter amazement 
                            ….one throws an attack
The animals are all strewn back on the floor
Now their room is a mess just like before!
Should someone relate to my annoyed frustration
In me please confide~
I feel like I am losing it ….and I just wanna cry!~

I want to pull out my hair……I have nothing to lose
They are only children….Far from perfect, it’s true
But just for a moment …I shall hide in my room!  
Now since I’ve been writing
                                          …my son fell asleep
My daughter cleaned up all the mud from outside
In my room as I write all the thoughts in my mind
Lord blessed me just now
                                 ….and some peace I shall find!

By Jane Bowen

Details | Haiku | |


A suffocation
Poor poetry drowns me out
Most of it my own

Details | Quatrain | |

Writer's Block

I tried to write a poem,
A little while ago,
But I couldn't find the muse,
The words just wouldn't flow.

I started with the standard stuff,
A poem or some prose.
But inspiration left me dry,
The floodgates all were closed.

So next I tried my hand at rhyme,
The nursery kind for tykes.
But all that came was trite and lame,
The kind that no kid likes.

Then after that I tried to pen
A couple lines free-verse,
But that attempt completely failed;
Results were even worse.

Thus, at the frayed end of my rope
I tried just one last time,
A limerick, I thought, was in my grasp;
Alas, it did not rhyme.

So that's the end.  I'll write no more.
My inspiration's flown.
I couldn't write to save my life.
My creative mind is blown.

Details | Limerick | |

The old lady called Nell

An old lady names Nell

There was an old lady named Nell
One day on her belly she fell
She let out a fart
That dirty old tart
Oh blimey! That woman did smell.

9 July 2014 @ 1317hrs.

Details | Free verse | |

Zulu Dawn

When you first hear those fateful words
It hits you like a thunderbolt
Although totally expected
The blood still drains from your face
You sit, disbelieving, shocked, numb
Not quite able to take it in
You ask the usual questions
How long have I got, will it hurt
Is there nothing that can be done
But you know, way down, deep inside
This is it, the end is in sight
The day you dreaded is finally here
That rock and roll lifestyle of old
Has come back to bite your backside
So you ask the only question
That matters to you any more
“Will I be able to eat nuts,
Once the dentures are in, I mean?”

Details | Rhyme | |

Will you ever be a poet

Did you ever have a lover
with long red hair?
For long red hair
seems too unfair.

Did you ever have a lover
and then another lover?
For there's added gain
if you feel no pain.

Did you ever have a lover
who loved your eyes
and never ever lied,
and let you cry?
Whatever was the trouble.

You'll never have a lover.
if you have no time for others
for love needs care,
say,what is here.

Here and there are many lovely people
who live with their lives with scruples;
if you're scruple free,
then let it be.

Oh,let it be is fine,
Except for the divine.
I want to be involved
For I can't please all the folk,
Who touch me with their talk.
My heart has melted down...
and now I've grown a world
completely on my own.

Were you ever quite alone
Like a toad under a stone?
Did you ever hear a groan
as you wrote your poem?

For you'll never write a poem
that makes me laugh..
Because my feet are in the shower
but my body's in the bath.
My head is on the shelf...
and I've lost all of my teeth...
Yet you will love me
What allure!
so clear..

Evermore and evermore
You'll be standing on the shore
Watching the horizon,
wondering what she lies on.

Oh,you'll never be a poet,
Unless you learn your notes..
They take you to the limit.....
Love.whatever is it?

Evermore ,evermore...
The words seem like a roar...
I love your heart's deep core.
Ever more and ever more.

Details | Senryu | |


I sit quietly,
Enjoying tranquility,
Healing peace at last.

The birds sing sweetly.
Bees and butterflys abound.
Dragonflys come too.

Then he finds me here.
Bringing endless monologue.
What's wrong with the world.

All day every day.
Time really doesn't matter.
We're here together.

It starts when he wakes,
It ends when he goes to bed.
Never changing --- SIGH.

                                         Judy Ball

Aug. 19,2011
For Morning, Noon Or Night Senryus Contest by Francine Roberts

Details | Free verse | |

Up to up

Fed up
Fixed up
Dressed up
turned up
Stood up
Gave up
canned up
Fed up.

Peter Dome.copyright. 2014.

Details | Rhyme | |

Different Kind Of Host

Different Kind Of Host/English

There is a spider on the Cosmos
He is a different kind of host
If you love sweet rich nectar
Soon you will be in his throat

Chinea'l E'agsu'la O'sta/ Irish Gaelic

In' spider ar an Cosmos
Ta' se' ina chinea'l e'agsu'la o'sta
Ma' ta' tu' gra' neachtar milis
Is gearr go mbeidh tu' in mo scornaigh

(If this is not correct, I used a
translater from English to Gaelic.)

Details | Rhyme | |

Deirdre Blues

Oh Deirdre, Oh Deirdre, what words can I say to express how I feel when you are far away. But Deirdre, when you are close to me and I think of the things you do, my whole body starts to shake and that's when I feel blue. The sight of your gargoyle face and the words that spit from your mouth, make me break out in a cold, cold sweat and I wish I was far, far south. Oh Deirdre, it has to be said, the taste of your cooking makes me ill. Your under-cooked roasts are really vile, as for your soup, well it's pig swill. Your gas-like breath sends me to sleep. Your toxic nagging drives me to drink. I don't know how much more I can stand! Oh Deirdre I'm dangling on the brink. But 0h Deirdre, when I'm feeling low Maybe all is not doom and gloom. Your fortune will be mine when you die. So Deirdre, my darling, please die SOON

Details | Burlesque | |

How to Tell You're In Redneck Country

When wealth is determined by the number of guns one owns.
When a wedding party is a family barbeque, and the wife needn't change last 
When only the very richest owns a bathroom.
Where soap has yet to be discovered.
Where squirrel brains is a main course.
Where your doctor wears a plaid shirt.
Where teeth are rarer than diamonds.
Where coon-skin caps are fashionable.
Where the one room school is underused.
Where the smartest people study comic books.
Where your dad is also your uncle.
Where a woman shaving her legs is a waste of razors.
Where the closest thing to a car is a mule named Sarah.
Where night-crawler worms are considered a snack food.
Where people still wonder who will win the Civil War.
Where television is the technology of the future.
Where everyone knows the earth is flat.
Where the moon is still thought to be made of cheese.
Where medicine is dispensed from a wagon.
Where that medicine is always Dr. Dermatosis's Magic Elixir.
Where the postman makes a yearly visit, and wonders why.
Where Tom's Tidbits is considered scholarly literature.
Where English muffins are considered foreign food.
Where English muffins are described as having "Crooks and Nannies".
Where no one knows what a "nanny" is, anyway.
Where Spike Jones is the romantic crooner.

Details | Ballade | |

A Ballade of Beseeching

As I was washing the dishes last week
I looked outside my windowpane.
Snow-filled land and winter bleak,
I see a moose—how inane!
Thinking I must be going insane, 
Or perhaps something of a retard,
I asked many but the answer was the same
Please get the moose out of my yard

One day within that crazy week
My husband was working in the plains
He went to a bush to take a leak
And there, staring, it was again!
He ran through the village through gasps of fright he just couldn’t retain
Now my hubbie is a lunatic, paranoid and scarred
With no fortune to his name!
Please get the moose out of my yard

Living here with seven babes on a meadow leek
Trying to keep sane
All the neighbors think me a freak
As I try to reassure and explain
And STILL the blasted animal remains
Keeping me absorbedly on-guard
He even trampled my great dane into grain!
Please get the moose out of my yard 

Dear Prince, soon King so to speak
I beseech you with utmost regard
If it so pleases I will throw you a daughter for queen
Just please—PLEASE get the moose out of my yard!

Details | Prose Poetry | |

Listen Kristin

Just go to search. memb er poetry. "Bad Day at the Eye Doctor's" and it will pop 
This is a true tale, and one of my dumbest stunts.

Details | Free verse | |

Little Red

Full Moon Brimming 
On A Hungry Wolf
Fire still burning 
Words are not enough

Red Riding Hood,
You stopped me where i stood.
The basket you held, looked so good,
I enticed...And you fell... 

In the woods... safe and sound
We could not believe what we had found
Me in denim... and you it lace

We understood, each other so very well
Full moon brimming over with light
Gazing into the eyes of the other

The twin to me, I did see, in You.
Be careful with my heart, my love.

My running shoes are unlaced for now,
So lean back and enjoy the ride.
Embrace all the laughter, our lives allow.


Details | Free verse | |


We sit inside a vault prepared to die

Proned to ashes scent fragrance ellusive tide;
Strong impulse as a caged rat hidden in a hole
The path is now broadened to the dire sentiment unseen,
The rocks that caress the usual quest;


Through its barren climatic rest a modest approval
Through oceanic base temperments such as rural;
Time can't ever be taken back once it's had...
Among vested tempers with wings on fire


A scorched in slight appeased gravitational pull
In created fancy the tug at heart to light a spark
Trust that the moderation of your applause may,
Equate logic with the most radical fear


I shed a single tear to numb its inner pain;
Tranformation from....
Words in outlined frame abased through a filter,
The mystery in words is it any wonder...


A line formation in its exquisite text duration;
Blinded columns of pillars scorched in fear
The heat of resolution had vanquished into air;
When will we ever seem to learn

Another moment in the sun having its page turned.
Shadows proned again in desolation sheltering demise
Twice bitten once shy to rely;
A devision of sorts sprinkled on its lethal bread

Many visions of sort twirling around inside my fragile egg shelled head.


Details | Rhyme | |


Like two ticks off a midnight,when the minutes drag for days,
my life was in a shamble and my mind was just a daze.

It started Monday morning after I had been retrenched,
The water pipes had burst and all my furniture was drenched.

Tuesday saw my naked out the front without a key,
Amid the smoke and rubber where my car's supossed to be.

N' Wednesday was the night that my old buddy says to me,
The girl I've seen for eighteen months' been seeing him for three.

A stroll down to the local for a "strong" one seemed the call,
'Cept happy hour'd been cancelled and was now the monthly brawl.

Friday all I did was wear an icepak on my head,
In terror knowing that it could be worse....I could be dead.

Details | Monorhyme | |

Poor Pitiful Me

Stumblin' through the haze
In a dumfounded daze
In a muddled malaise
Like a mouse in a maze

Broke and blase
Stuck in my ways
My libido won't blaze
My mojo betrays

Got a glaze in my gaze
Got nuthin' to praise
Hope it's only a phase
Or just one of those days...

Details | Narrative | |

Soda Machine 1 – Humans 0

A soda machine took them down.
American, Japanese, European, Indian
and Chinese I saw attempt to buy from
that machine. And the machine won.
Try and try they might, they put in dollar
after dollar with no success at all.
They swapped ones and asked each other
to try another one and they kept stuffing
ones in that machine, but to no avail.
I watched this with quite a bit of amusement.
Sociology 101 … a group of people immediately
becomes stupid.
Not quite what I learned, but pretty close.
As I stood there – having already figuring out
that the bill collection slot was full – I counted
out enough quarters and I sauntered over to the
machine to make a purchase.
The people there asked me to try one of my dollars
or if I had different dollars from what they had.
I had to do it – I just had that streak in me right
then. I pumped in my quarters and
bought a soda, turned to the assemblage and said,
The bill slot is full, idiots, use change.
And I walked away with my soda, but not before
I saw the looks of bewilderment in the eyes of
the people. It never even occurred to them.
So I made a silent toast to the stupidity
of the masses and the amusement they provide.
Ah, this would be such a great planet
if it wasn’t for the people.

Details | Free verse | |

Poetry Cafe's, Steven Fry and a most Annoying me

I wanna go to a poetry cafe....

In a pink beret and two giant earrings
Sporting a very serious intelligent expression which is obviously not my own
So ill borrow it from some super being like Steven Fry
Just for the night (he can sit at home looking daft, looking me) 
As i fly into the realms of fantasy

Stood in all my regalia, pink floral wellies and beige checkered hacking jacket
Purple courderoys
Spilling my beans
My limited means of getting my 
Point across.....

The avante guarde and Mrs Bohemian nod and shake
As my word snake slithers from my agile tongue
The one which spits bile
the one which wreaks havoc when im just being mum

I wanna watch the candles flicker and smoulder
With a man bag over one shoulder
Giant Havanna cigar
Peace man, way out, too far.......

I wanna travel triumphant on the train
Back home again
Resting my feet on the opposite seat 
(just because its wrong) 
Leaning drunken pon my wonky umbrella
Singing that most annoying song

'Pardon me Sir..... is that the cat hoo chewed me new shoes? '

Whilst bemused commuters gaze on

Why ever not! 

Cause Im a whimp...thats why 

Details | Quatrain | |

Things That Irk Me

Here's some things that really irk me They must irk some of you guys too Loaded baskets in those Express Lanes My face turns a scarlet hue Imagine the gall of some irksome drivers Doing fifty in a fifty mile zone What is it with these bunch of yahoos? Probably gabbing on their phones! When you order a cup of hot java At your favourite coffee shop And it turns out to be luke warm at best You wanna give the server a pop! Another one of my little pet peeves Pill bottles that are made seniors proof You get a hernia trying to open these things The inventor was on some kind of juice! Playing along with the clues on Jeopardy Interrupted by some breaking news Unless the world is actually coming to an end It can wait till the end of the clues! Bugs me when some guy in a big fancy car Takes up more than one parking space These a-holes need to be straightened out Love a word with them face to face! Ahhh! It sure feel a whole lot better now Once I got these things off my chest Life is too short to let these things bug you They're minor annoyances at best! © Jack Ellison 2013

Details | Free verse | |



To get someone to read my poems… Contests there must be.
They must be bleeping nuts thinking I can follow all those cockeyed rules.
Out of a zillion types of poems they always pick the weirdest ones.
Allowed only 16 lines… I found I stopped at ninety-one.
And for a topic they want a bird throwing glitter from a tree.
How about I spank them as I put them across my knee!!!
And why must I name it… as they told me? Where’s that for creativity?
Then they want a special comment added in the poem…
I would rather not add plagiarism… I’d rather call it my own.
But, you know, I am so very needy that I’ll do whatever they want.
Well… I’ll do, maybe one or two… of the things they want.
I know this makes it harder to judge the poems that are found therein.
But to me a poem… is a funny bent on my crazy whim.
Then suddenly, Lord Have Mercy… my poem didn’t win.
But I’m happy as punch for even with their strained smile…
I’m sure they read one of my poems yet again. :)

(Meant only for fun) I'm not really complaining. Just having fun.

Details | Free verse | |


Type the characters you see in the picture


And you’re a confounded nuisance…

Picture this—
A world where a simple click
Will send the comment more swiftly
Will log you in faster
No more silly letters in a grid
If only…

Well—I suppose its fine
I’m a complainer, a nuisance, a swine
But hey, fine, I’ll say it:

Thanks, Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans 
It is things like you that will prevent a robotic takeover 

Details | Rhyme | |

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

The morning paper’s everywhere, and breakfast dishes are here and there
Her feet up in the easy chair, the old man in his underwear
The phone starts ringing loud and clear, so hubby quickly disappears
When he returns, she sees a frown,…, He calmly says,  “Guess who’s in town?”
“The corporate boss, not far away….I have asked them here for lunch today!”
“A little lunch would be no trouble. He’s with his wife…her name is Mable”

“You did what???? she screams.  (Even the neighbors hear!) 
 “Oh my dear!  Company’s coming, and they are near?”
“Help me quick. Get off your rear!!”  And he replies…”Whatever you say, dear”

She frets and stews and carries on….her hubby simply mutters
She runs around the messy room and stashes all the clutter
She’s acting like a headless chicken, her partner in a quandary
He watches as she runs around, hiding dirty laundry
Oh dear, they’ll need some lunch to nibble, whatever could she fix?
She finds some tuna, cheese and crackers, a bag of party mix

Running to the bedroom, she’s gasping raves and rants
“You’ve got to get your shirt on!…For Pete’s sake, dear!   Find your pants!”
“Heaven’s, we must hurry!    We’ve got to make the bed!”
"Whatever you say, dear" he grumbles, and shakes his bewildered head
She discards her frumpy nightgown, powders her frantic frown
She quickly brushes hair, a dab of lipstick too
Tosses sloppy slippers, dons her pretty shoes

A knocking on the door, she pastes a cheery smile
Her unexpected company has come to stay awhile!
Breathing deep, she goes to greet them “So good of you to call!”
“What’s that.....a bother?” “ Now don’t be silly, you aren’t bothering us at all!”

She shoots a glance, a daggered lance, into her husband’s mug
He has no clue,  ignores what brews…a deep, dark hole he's dug 
For again, it seems he’s lost his head…and says
….”Stay the night, it's quite all right, we have an extra bed!!”

She smiles with dread,  “Whatever you say, dear,” she said.........
    (but …tomorrow he’ll be DEAD!!!)


Details | Quatrain | |


Woke up in the night,
Unable to to sleep.
Thought to myself,
To the bathroom I'll creep.

Don't want to wake,
My wife like before,
As I quietly tip toe,
Across the floor.

Can't sleep at night,
Of late it seems.
I toss and I turn,
And I have crazy dreams.

I look in the mirror,
Above the sink.
Oh No! Oh My God!
I think I need a drink!

Am I going crazy?
This couldn't be worse!
I must have contracted,
A family curse!

I look like the Wolf Man!
Oh No! This can't be!
Oh say it ain't so!
This can't be me!

Then I wake up.
I'm safe in my bed.
No more hair than normal,
Adorns chest, face and head.

I look at my wife,
So gentle and sweet,
As she lays here beside me,
And quietly sleeps.

Then I look closer.
Is that long hair for sure,
On her arms and her hands!?
Oh there MUST be a cure!!

                                          Judy Ball

Details | Quatrain | |

Our PS Triumvirate

Introducing our PS Triumvirate Carol, Susan, and me Born with a gene devoted to wee folk Living inside of we three Found each other after many long years Now everything else is forsaken A trio of souls like the world's never known Our slumbering minds are awakened One writes a poem that the other is writing With a similar title and theme Telepathic, coz how else can one explain Whatta strange phenomenon it seems So here's to us guys may we travel together Down poetry's path arm in arm Enriching each other and those that we touch With our talents, our spirit, our charm © Jack Ellison 2012 Our wish is that this poem inspires others to find their kindred souls here on the Soup

Details | Couplet | |

Friends, the Barmaid and I

I was not a drinker, I must confess.
Well, once in a while I would transgress.
A studying student perched on the stool 
Avoided eye contact and men's lusty drool.

One quiet afternoon visiting the barmaid,
No one was in the club to cause a tirade.
Three drunks came in for a mid-day drink.
They put up cash; their coins made a clink.

I started to leave, but she asked me to stay.
New comers to the bar, first time, that day.
Partially smashed, they started to glare.
I could hardly bear their shameless stare.

I sat at the counter drinking my water.
Before too long, those three became brasher.
Buy her a drink; No, thank you, I said.
If eyes could kill, I would have been dead.

A bit unruly, they became quite insistent.
I ordered my usual; they happily gave payment.
Three glasses of water I drank that day.
We played pool when they went on their way.

© October 30, 2011

Written for Poetry Soup Member Contest:  Confessions to a Bartender 	
Sponsored by: Natalie :) The Rogue Rhymer

Details | Senryu | |

Character Limit - Senryu

So many things in 
my heart that need expression.
Character limit.

Details | Burlesque | |

Comfort, Southern Style

Below the Mason-Dixon line,
Where that is I am unsure...
There is one damn good
Southern tradition,
That I bet you know of...
I'm sure it does still endure...

Simple as Southern Comfort,
And cream soda...
My God, it is so smooth....
Goes down like a city whore,
Like my cousin, Twice removed...

You'll fly, you'll fly,
You won't know why,
And couldn't care
much less....
You'll even laugh
at hubby dear,
That jerk that's such a mess!

So, mix it up,
And knock it down,
Your day can
but improve....
And maybe if you're
really lucky,
Your husband,
the trash-man will

for u-know-who.

Details | Rhyme | |

Okay... Let's Talk

You are pushing me too far, now we've passed the line,
We ain't coming back, that's a fact..  now it's time,
To lay down some ground-rules on you fools, because I'm,
Fed up..  so shut up!  Or get cut up with my rhymes!

If you're gonna pass this test, then you have to be the best,
You'll get sucked in, shredded up, then spat out as a mess,
Are you possessed or just stressed?  Just confess, you're like the rest,
See me shaking and quaking, as you fake a conquest.

You're a little behind,  with your big front,
I'll lash you with my tounge, if you wanna confront,
Try a stunt like that, I'll be forced to come and hunt,
Got you right in my sights, I'm alight, and I'll be blunt.

You wanna take it from me, you are not steel,
You slip and slide from my grip, like a smelly jellied eel,
I want to make a deal, but you flake and peal,
You fade before my eyes, because you never keep it real.

You're living in a dream, now it's seeming to me,
Like your nightmare's coming true, no longer fantasy,
Nothing you can do, your legs are rooted like a tree,
Now I'll open up your mind, and I'll set your brains free!

I'm a peaceful man, so okay..  let's talk,
I'll chalk it on the board, bottle it up and seal the cork,
Remember these words, and replay them as you walk,
You're in a world of giants.. go back down your beanstalk!

When my back's turned, If I feel your eyes burning,
I'll come straight back and we'll see if you are learning,
My soul is yearning, to write rhymes and be earning,
You're wasting my time, these things are really not concerning.

Now I've put on my show..  I will let you suckers go,
Smoke it over in your heads, but be hitting it slow,
Or I'll mow you all down, with my automatic tounge,
Then kick your butt with my Kung-fu, so RUN!

Details | I do not know? | |

Illegitimi non Carborundum

Illegitimi non carborundum ;-)

...Staggering, my vision cloudy,

I fall to the hard ground.

when life’s sharp left-jab leaves my face bloody,

and all that surrounds me, is the desolation of loss I feel all around.

I see myself slipping,

down the abyss to where nothingness exists,

still, I cling on, groping for a foothold,

for my will to stay persists.

I clamber up, I stand my ground, though battered and bruised I may be,

my curtain is not falling yet, I have some fight still left in me.

It is then, in the pit of despair, when all seems bleak and painful and dull,

I summon the strength from deep within,

I rise, slowly, to face the day,

I refuse to sink,

to wallow, to surrender, to throw in the towel,

to drown,

for I am stronger now,

indeed I am, after all the years, and all the battles,

I stand, bruised and bloody,


I stand,

I refuse, to sink, to drown,

for they can try, to punish me some more,

but I shall not allow them to grind me down…


Details | Verse | |

Where the heck ARE they

Budding, new, waiting to bloom. Small, quaint, but frustration looms. Where are they? Blushing, I fume! Thirty-two bra size ~ I’m doomed. :(
nette onclaud’s contest entered 6/16/2012: THE CROWN OF MY BODY----A WHITNEY

Details | Rhyme | |

Feeling Moody

It seems to be, least for me, whenever I'm writing poetry, that if my frame of mind is happy, each poem my pen unfurls is sappy! But when my mood is discontent, the words come forth without intent. The gloom gives me more words to say, and inspiration comes my way! The sadder that I am today, more pleasing are the words I say! So if it makes much sense at all, I can't decide which side to call ! I'm sad to know my mood is glad, yet glad to know my mood is sad!

Details | I do not know? | |

oh, dont mind me

a small cased letter no punctuation or full stops just endless continuation of something that exists no meaning no reason just average evolution for those of us that live by the tick and not the tock patiently waiting side line suvaying cheering on the big boys passing our turn so sign my name on the dotted line no need to cross the t it's better if you just leave it there like the world has left me yes there's no use debating arguing or validating that some people are smalled cased letters and some are just Big

Details | Rhyme | |


How come mothers scold?
How come mothers yell? 
Then when they say they love you,
Sometimes you just can’t tell!
And sometimes when they yell all day, 
“I hope you burn in hell!” you say.

But then you have that talk,
And then you feel so bad.
You try to go apologize,
But think that she's still mad!
So you let her blow off some steam,
And pray it’s not as bad as it may seem.

You start out by saying, “Sorry,”
‘Cause you’re trying to be mature,
But the rest of it just won't come out,
And you’re feeling insecure…
You throw away your fears,
And express the rest in tears.

You know what you did,
And you know that you were wrong.
You've let your feelings out,
You know that you've been strong.
You pray she understands,
Your punishment is in her hands.

You regret those things you've said,
You say things when you’re mad.
But you've made matters better now,
And for this, your mom is glad.
She gives you her forgiveness,
And so your guilty feelings grow less.

So when your mother scolds,
And when she starts to yell,
Just know it’s ‘cause she loves you,
In case you just can't tell.
So when you feel like you’re in a ditch,
Remember, “Tough love can be a – well, you get the point I’m trying to pitch!”

Details | I do not know? | |

Consumation of a suicidal fantasy

I can't find the sleeping pills tonight.
So, I try to swallow a bottle of vitamins,
But they are so big that I might choke,
And I'm afraid to die.

Every ledge is a spring-board to paradise,
Or a path straight to hell.
Either way, I'm afraid of heights,
And I'm afraid to die.

The end is the edge of a razor blade,
I'm in hot water and, I think of cutting.
But I hate blood and blood clots,
And I'm afraid to die.

I find some rope.
I go to the cellar and hang myself
But, I guess the ceiling isn't high enough,
And I'm afraid to die.

On the platform I wait for a ride to nowhere,
The solution is under the speeding train.
But I stop thinking because I'm scared --
And I'm afraid to die.

Either way, I am a coward:
Too scared to live,
Too scared to die.
But in my dreams I am a hero
Whose death seems to faze all,
But affect none.

Details | Rhyme | |


The angst that fills my seeking heart,
Revealed to me a missing part.
More to life there has to be,
More that is evading me.

I’m looking for the perfect way
But it has slipped by me today.
Novels read gave not the right
Answer that I need tonight.

Nor in the airwaves, did I hear
Any revelations clear.
Not in a stream or bubbling brook,
It must be where I failed to look.

Among the traffic, I’ve not found
Worthy words that are profound.
Pay-per-view gave no reply
Leaving me to wonder why.

The stress of what I’m going through
Prevents my knowing what to do.
More to life there has to be,
More that is evading me.

I’ve looked beyond and far below,
Finding only what I know.
The angst remains with me, no doubt.
Resolution, alas, gives out!

Exhausted by my busy quest,
This hopeless heart decides to rest.
When, in my silent spirit heard
A soothing, but prophetic, word.

The sound was slight, a stealthy sleuth
Whispered, “John, Eight Thirty Two.
And once you see the perfect WAY,
Read Forty Six Ten, in Psalm today!”

Details | Couplet | |

A Girl for Jesus

A girl for Jesus.  A story untold.
Except for the rumor; he's kept and controlled.
An opposite lover; one evil I'm told.
Who keeps him in line with hands that are cold.

You're prayers keep him busy.
In answering each one.
Though it's really his honey.
He longs to be from.

So ask him forgiveness.
For everything done.
And wait for his answer.
That Several may come.

His time is not money.
Or luck as we know.
But a curse; to a cry; o'ver someone; to crow.
And if you feel sorry.  Pitty him some.
Remember he loves her; no matter where from.

Behold a great halo.
Some say overdone.
For if you look closely.
Surrounding someone.

Details | Blank verse | |

flying leaf

Flying leaf. 
Tuesday I´ve looked in my kill list, but couldn´t find 
anyone to drone today, yet had time for the betting 
shop and won ten euros on a horse called Abdulla. 
In my trunks only, I went for a scooter drive; country 
lane a woman came out of her dwelling and crossed 
herself, yes I look like  an overcooked vanilla pudding; 
but no need of her to throw pebbles and set her 
poodles on me. Why do I end up in the wrong places? 
Once was waiting for a bus taking me to Garston and 
it was raining; I have forgotten what I was doing there, 
I remember a black woman who gave me a sunshine 
smile and rain stopped. Still Tuesday and I have no 
assassination list ready only memories of a life where 
I was torn from the mother oak, drifting in the wind  

Details | I do not know? | |

Buried By Haiku

I'm here
amongst the huge pile of haiku.
Can you see me? 
I hope you do.

I've been buried here
and I don't know what to do.
Each time I post a poem..
it gets buried by haiku! ! 

Details | Verse | |

Beware the Addict

Darkness in my Veins
Impossible Aimless Energy
Soothing all my Pains
for a price
for just a fee
My Soul Addiction

Details | Limerick | |

My Morning Confession

Ok, I guess I'll confess! 
My hair is REALLY a mess! 
I just drove them to school
and they said ''Mom, that's not cool''.
But today I could really care less! 

''Today is my only day off.
Just let your friends snicker and scoff.
Does it matter to you
if I wear slippers or shoes? 
Is your image of me that far off''? 

When she looked at my head in the car
her jaw dropped and she said ''Oh my stars! ''
''What is that on your head? 
Is it living or dead? ''
I'm so glad we don't have to drive far! ''

Well, I may not be looking my best
but, what I saw I would never have guessed! 
In the back of my hair
was what made the kids stare.......
cause it looked like a fluffy birds nest! 

Oh, ''Who cares if my hair looks absurd? ''
''It's the new style.....or haven't you heard? 
You should feel slightly blessed 
that I even got dressed........
and I made a new home for a bird! '' 

Details | Rhyme | |

A Daisy For My Lady

A jug of wine, a book of verse and thou,
Beneath kind trees that spread their green leaves shady
My sheeps heart beats with love and I seek now
A daisy that this sheep may give his lady

I know, though full of love, I'm just a sheep
No one I think realistically supposes
That one like me can voice his love though deep
With fancy flowers like orchids or like roses

Nor does this sheep have much in pounds and pence
To make pretence for more would just be crazy
So I must make the most of sheepish sense
My Valentine shall be a single daisy

And so I trotted to the flower shop
'Excuse me, Mr Flower Man', said I
'Do you, perchance, have ready in your stock,
A daisy that this little sheep can buy?'

The Flower Man, he looked way down at me
His cold frown pierced my wool fleece cruelly deep
'I did not start in business,' muttered he
'To waste time selling common weeds to sheep.'

Again, I fail! It's my memorium
No flower, no leaf, no stem, not even root
By air I left the flower emporium
Propelled aloft by Mr Flowerman's boot

'Tis cruel, the worldly ways I must endure
Oft ridiculed and often wounded sore
But hero-like, my love forever pure
Burns fierce and earnest right through to my core

I hope one day my princess thinks on me
Perhaps she'll sigh; perhaps she'll shed a tear
For one whose woolly dreams could never be
For one she spurned, yet always held her dear.

Details | Rhyme | |

Fatty Bum Bum

How did I end up in this state? 
I'm always fighting with my weight, 
I'd like to put it down to fate, 
but that ain't honest! 

I know for sure what I do wrong, 
I've known the truth all along, 
but I always sing a different song, 
and that ain't honest! 

I've tried to blame my family, 
for passing the fat gene down to me, 
and making me a big fat'B', 
but that ain't honest.

So now I'm gonna face the fact, 
I have to make me a slimming pact, 
and with exercise I must react.
Now, that is honest!

Details | Rhyme | |

The Yeti's Conflict

As I set and ponder,
My mind does wander,
As if in search of an answer out yonder.

Suddenly, a I sense a thought from a creature so rarely seen.
But he allows his thoughts to enter my dream.
With desires that flow like a stream.

He says his name is Yeti, and lives in a land of high peaks.
And, he is not allowed to talk to men that travel about dressed like freaks,
Who run up and down the mountain in streaks.

Artificial fur these men always wear.
But, He and his clan can only stare.
For talking to them is something he can't even dare.

For ancient law prohibits them from talking to beings so strange.
But, he wishes to discuss the lands that so far away do range,
And much knowledge we could exchange.

Now, the dream does end
I now wonder how, to him, a message I could send.
So as to, cause his sadness to mend.

Details | Couplet | |



Never knew quite what wind blew up her skirt
Maybe the way I dressed or my shoe’s unbrushed  dirt
Like a woman scorned, her fury knew no bounds
Like when the fox has successfully eluded the hounds
The tongue-lashing was the first salvo in her armament
Couldn’t even get a  word in to show my disagreement
Oh but the extremes of modulation in her voice tone
Made me glad I could see her  and not just be on the phone
For the facial  gestures and the eyelash lashes she performed 
Were an accompaniment not to miss in her tirade as she stormed
Through Act I  into  Act II when the hands on hips were a prelude
To a theatrical show  that simply had to be viewed 
Then the head was tossed several times for effect
And the  brushed hair  floated around in a circle perfect
I’m sure the audience was rapt and  about to applaud
Had they not seen something about her display  which was  flawed
Her rhetorical questions, her cleft sentences, her exclamation marks
Left no impression on her target, like smiling at a dog that barks
This guy, they thought,  must be  deaf,  dumb   and blind
To be so unimpressed by a prima donna performance of this kind?
Maybe he is straight off the funny farm and unaware of  her sarcasm?
Or perhaps he has a weak constitution and is about to have a spasm?
They had no inkling and neither did she : the reason for my lack of discussion
Was simply that I didn’t understand her spoken Russian.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . .. 

Entered in Andrea's  Contest 

Details | I do not know? | |

Look Above

Look above!

Way up in the sky!

 I'm on the tallest building I could find

Where the birds don't fly

I have come up with a new scheme

 Just listen before you sigh

 Recently I have not had many comments from poems by I

 I,m about to jump off this building, screaming

 " I Can Fly"!

Half-way down I,ll open the parachute 

which reads

 C-O-M-M-E-N-T  O-N  M-Y  P-O-E-M  I-F Y-O-U  L-I-K-E

Details | Limerick | |

GPS Seductions

A sultry voice gave directions.
Wrong turn, then came the corrections.
A panic attack –
Screams came from the back.
“We're lost; where are the connections?”

©October 30, 2011
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen

Details | Light Poetry | |

Big Bad Black Sheep

Big bad black sheep, 
Have you any wool?
Yes, it’s mine,
I’m gonna keep it all.
Stay away from me, 
If you don’t want to be harmed;
I’m not going quietly,
I’m ready, 
And I’m Armed!

Details | Rhyme | |

Et cetera

5 short minutes is not enough to write a verse and make it sound pleasing to the ear, I've found! A little free verse will have to do,..... held together with some glue! For Russell's contest, I will rush but with Russell's small allotted time I can't find the words to rhyme Oh, look I did it!! ..see those words? Time and Rhyme they turned out good! Please don't say this is absurd! my dilemma is that clock ticking tocking.....time is up Gotta go now.......wish me luck!! _____ What??? you say I have a chance to give my poem another glance and add a word or add a phrase and maybe set this poem ablaze to earn a smidge of Russell's praise?? I'll light my muse with fire-crackers! Blow the words right off the paper! He will gasp! Then, I will ask! "Russell dear, please tell me here... if I've passed this test at last!!??" ____________________________________________
By Carrie Richards Original poem....."Russell's 5 mintues are up!"

Details | Senryu | |

In The Dog House

The Dog House
Caught, he lied to her;
His ebullient smile said all,
On the couch he sleeps.

Details | Free verse | |

lost, found, and liberated

i use to lie awake at night 
and ponder of this pointless life 
up for hours and not make a sound 
i once was lost but now i am found
my sea of confusion, like moses did part
the instant i let jesus inside of my heart...
but than i let out a gigantic huge fart 
and realized it was just indigestion 
than like a sensible person, i began to question 
and out of those questions, came rational thought 
and all of the things in school i was taught 
like critical thinking and following facts 
so i came to the conclusion: religions a quack 
now i live happily, in awe of earth's mysterious beauty 
and if you don't like it, you can kiss my patooty

Details | Monorhyme | |


I wear a beard of aging, upon a cliff-face chin
A year has passed and grown its hairs out from my mottled skin
Mistakes sit there unchallenged, to each fibre clings a sin
Yet despite my facial mask of age the clubs won’t let me in

Details | Rhyme | |

Never Trust A Shepherdess

Never trust a shepherdess
Although she may look pretty
Beneath her lacy frilly dress
A heart beats without pity.

There’s furtive tales of Miss Bo Peep
Told behind closed doors
And just what happened to her sheep
Upon those silent moors

They never did return, you see
Though many tried to find them
They disappeared in mystery
Complete with tails behind them.

Dark doings lurk in hill and dale
Untold in nursery rhymes
‘Tis best that we should draw a veil
Across these rural crimes.

Don’t think of cruelty in the grass
Don’t think of woolly plight
Don’t think those thoughts that will not pass
Or let you sleep at night

So do not think of Miss Bo Peep
Or of that crook she wields
Or of those dark deeds buried deep
In England’s pleasant fields.

Unknowing we can only guess
The horrors that went down
Beware the Wicked Shepherdess
Who stalks Old London Town.

Details | Couplet | |

What A Night...

I woke up this morning in the kitchen and not really sure who I was,
Tid-Bits and flashes from last night are now making my head buzz;

Did I fall into a wormhole or get abducted by a UFO,
With the pounding pain inside my skull, right now I just don’t know;

I vaguely remember Rosie complaining about the night,
And who were those Vacuum Salesmen, they didn’t get an invite; 

My insomnia must have been cured by drinking that nuclear waste,
I’ll use a Listerine soaked tissue to freshen up, what happened to my toothpaste;

As I venture to the bedroom I spot Hammond in his Spandex boxer shorts,
I hate to wake him up but right now I need a report;

My living room is up in shreds, did I host a Rock Convention,
The things I found upon my floor I’m not going to mention;

Did Dire Straits have a concert in my house while I was out,
So much for wine and dine, I’m fixing to start to shout;

I discovered lunar craters in what used to be my yard,
The fire my friends didn’t put out left my folding chairs all charred;

Well I’m off to take some medicine and start drifting back to sleep,
I’ve never had a gig like that and fixing up won’t be cheap!

~4th Place in the "Wacky Weekend Challenge(Remembering Tom)"Contest by Catie Lindsey~

Details | Rhyme | |

Fallacy, Misinformation and Contradiction

Society is rife with statements of misinformation, fallacy and contradiction
To say otherwise would be to argue that our settlement was a pleasant eviction
If you are to believe what is in the following first lines
Then perhaps you are gullible enough to believe the proceeding lines

Our new industrial relations laws are reasonable and fair
A Buddhist monk has a full head of hair
The United States of America is rational and just
If you want curly hair just eat your crust

The Queen is a popular and influential head of state
Quite often at prisons they leave open the front gate
The Good and Services Tax won’t complicate life
It is legal and admirable to have more than one wife

We have an obligation to follow America and Great Britain to war
You will get piles sitting on a cold concrete floor
Ladies and gentlemen the honourable Mr Howard
A bully is not a coward

There are Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq
No one has ever died after being bitten by a shark
The brightness of light in the total dark
A grassless, treeless, concrete park

Religion is not dogmatic
Working for the man is not problematic
Education will be free and available to all
Always a baby walks first then learns to crawl
A midget or dwarf is extremely tall
I tried marijuana but did not inhale
The Japanese have no interest in hunting whale
Indigenous people are being treated better
Not one convict has ever been an Australian settler

Julia Gillard can’t be Prime Minister as she hasn’t had a child
An Australian summer is rather mild
Climate change is a beaten up issue
Blow your nose with sandpaper rather than a tissue

Our troops will be home soon
Winter begins in April not June
By the year 2000 we would have landed at least a second time on the moon
Four o’clock is the new noon

The person at the head of the queue will be served next
Shane Warne doesn’t know how to text
All we need is a few weeks of solid rain
If you break a bone you’ll feel no pain

Anyone in society has a fair and fighting chance to win
Look up and you can see a flightless flying penguin
Bush does not influence Howard a decision is his own
Fast Food outlets only use foods that are organically grown

The War in Iraq is not about oil
Heating water won’t cause it to boil 
It could not have be handled any better concerning David Hicks
Magic is real it contains no illusions or tricks

The aim of this verse was to have a laugh and be reflective
I hope it puts the things people say into perspective

Details | Free verse | |


A rose by any other name still gonna set you back $9.99

Details | ABC | |

Fourteen Catfish

        Fourteen Catfish
Fourteen catfish swimin along
one was caught cause he went wrong
thriteen catfish swimin all night
two got hooked before daylight
eleven catfish in the brook
seven fell for the fisherman's hook
four big catfish sniffin bait
three of them just couldn't wait
one fat catfish all alone
got no girlfriend of his own.
      © ron wilson

Details | Rhyme | |

Menopause Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord for no more heat
For if it comes, I’ll be awake
I pray the Lord, don’t make me bake

I’ll even get down on my knees
And pray the Lord “Lord, pretty please”
Please don’t turn my furnace on
My flesh is weak, my patience’s gone

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep 
Since menopause turned on the heat
And it’s no good Lord, counting sheep
If into fire, Lord they leap

So Lord, please grant me this request
And take this fire from my chest
Let someone else be thusly blessed
And let me finally get some rest

Short Poem contest - Honorable Mention finish

written for my wife

Details | Lyric | |

Trigger Finger

I'm here to settle the score, teaching you the meaning, casualty of war.  I've got 
you dead in my sight.  My scope is always precise.  On the battlefield, you've 
given up all bargaining rights.  Don't look for divine intervention, your suffering is 
my bullets intention.  The only thing more conceited than you, is my trigger finger, 
for It never hears sympathy or pleas, with me the trigger always agrees.  There 
are no negotiations, just my guns willing anticipation of a trigger fingers 
agitation.  Next time we don't hesitate on pulling the trigger.

Details | Free verse | |

My Secret Prison

Trapped again!

Maze hidden cheddar eluding 
every twisting turn a doorway 
to the path I’ve already forgotten
a spirit broken within each hidden cul-de-sac.

I cry.

Depression building my will 
crumbling into fatal despair
that rages with a whisper
as quiet as a hurricane.

I sleep.

I scream at one wall 
hundreds more continue laughing.
Right! Left! NO! RIGHT! Left! Right! LEFT! YES! Right!

I succumb.

Cheddar thoughts and running 
water sustain my desire to escape
through walls of scent
filled dreams of freedom.

I laugh.

Test complete. Failure.
Should have smelled for Camembert.

Details | Limerick | |

Baubles, Bangles, And Nose Bleeds

You Quiz-puzzlers out there,
I hope you take care,
And don't sucumb to high blood pressure,
Please don't implode like the good sub, U.S.S. Thresher,
So take it in stride,
With the answers I do hide,
And you'll wake up all that much fresher

Details | I do not know? | |

Please Me

I have traversed through the thickest jungles

 Fought off exotic bees

Searched aperch the highest mountains and sailed the roughest seas

 tried medicines from tribal men 

sled the North Pole in the coldest degrees

Looked inside of Lions Mouths and picked them of their fleas

 My Search goes on and on and on

 Quite indefinitely

All I need is for you to do as I like

 and put my mind at ease

Details | Rhyme | |

My Fear...

It was a typical Tuesday night, And I was riding after dark; The clouds had covered up the sky, As I took a shortcut through the park; I always took the same path, Around the monkey bars; There wasn’t a light to be found, No moon and no stars; Nothing seemed to be amiss, As I continued on my way; But I found myself wishing silently, I’d gone home earlier in the day; I found that very strange, Since I usually don’t mind the night; And I couldn’t help but think, Something wasn’t quite right; So I stopped my horse and listened, But there’s not a sound to be heard; And afraid to break the stillness, I utter not a word; My imagination is running wild, And Lil’ can feel my dread; She’s prancing to the side now, Ears pricked at something ahead; I’m trying to still my pounding heart, But through my veins it’s spreading fear; I struggle to maintain the silence, As through the darkness we move near; I can see something up there moving, Stalking towards us through the night; A horrible creature coming closer, I pale to the purest white; Then the animal walks into view, Like it’s coming out of a fog; And he lets out a happy bark, The monster was my dog; I’m feeling kind of stupid now, Getting scared so easily; Turns out the thing I need to fear, Is the imagination trapped in me!

Details | Limerick | |


Sandra was ready to PLAY
but she told me to go far AWAY
A beauty school QUEEN
would be embarrassed to be SEEN

"You're just not my type,Rodger...if ya know what I MEAN?!" I am not quite the STUD
But at least i'm no Elmer FUDD
Nerds hate to be picked out
however,they are no stick in the MUD

She cherishes RICK
Even though he acts like a -ICK
His Abs are lean and MEAN
A Tom Selleck lookalike MACHINE

They like to blow FACE
and spray me with her can of MACE
This four-eyed man with his pocket protector
Just got burnt by Society's perfect RACE

A chump out of SCHOOL
He is forever a FOOL
The Lasses want tight ASSES
Not a simpleton who can't help but DROOL

The world can kick THEE
Middle-class bullies  still pick on ME
I only answer to the man(upstairs)
He's the only one to set me FREE

Details | Quatrain | |


I don't love you for your wit
You're always spitting bile.
Reluctantly  I now admit
I do not love your smile.

Nor do love your manly touch
And I don't love your smell.
I just don't love you very much,
So why's your silence hell?

I do not miss your lilting voice,
Nor do I miss your kiss.
I've never seen your laughing eyes
So what is there to miss? 

I don't love your hand in mine
It's strictly for the birds.
Without your love I'm doing fine,
But how I miss your words.

Details | I do not know? | |

The Sock

I saw it there in the road: A sock!
How, thought I, had it come there to be?
Did it endeavor to escape a foot?
Discarded and black as the blackest soot.
Yet now it's found to be in front of me?

This will not do; This never knowing.
Investigation! I must insist.
Immediately my day has to stop.
Following this crumb that had come to drop
I halted the traffic who were now pissed.

Approach did I, all the horns ablaze.
Undeterred, I cried out "No never!"
But soon felt I anything but smitten 
To retrieve not a sock but a mitten.  
Another disaster altogether.

Details | Villanelle | |

The Danger of Sam

Beads of blood define my plight
No scars to see just yet
How much more do I need to fight?

I wish I could show you this sight
The fine lines of red that have just begun to set
Beads of blood define my plight

All I wish is that he might 
Stop soon, but my wishing is only a threat
How much more do I need to fight?

I scream and I kick as he shows me his bite
Trying to make sure I’ll never forget
The beads of blood that define my plight

How is he to know which is wrong and which is right?
Will he ever feel regret?
How much more do I need to fight?

Poor little raccoon, with your collar so tight
Why do I have you as a pet?
Beads of blood define my plight
How much more do I need to fight?

Details | Free verse | |

Where Persephone Dwells

Seeds of pomegranate 
     in my belly 

This girl wonders how much of her 
Is alive 
above ground 
Or circling Cerebus 
as he chases his tail

(If u r stuck in a dream then aren't u only half living?)

I live with eyes wide open
The Gorgon's stare does not deter

We use people as tarot cards
 to guide our destiny 

Entrails are likely more reliable

Details | Tail-rhyme | |

Not All Opinions Are Created Equal

While plugging away at my own mental capacity I write what I think with what I think is stunning veracity But sometimes my peers surprise with insistent tenacity And the gall and the chutzpah and the sheer audacity To make outrageous claims that lack any academy. I, being I, of course just can't let this tragedy Lie, for if I, were to ignore it in apathy And laughably, affably smile and accept with alacrity Then my bones might just crumble as I sunk down in agony. So in a ferocious but in my own way quite happily And maybe, I must admit, with a bit too much pageantry I tactfully attack this pompous calamity This shanty, infancy of correct use of faculty Without the piteous sanctity one treats those with a mental malady Because this isn't an appeal to a friend but rationality. And the casualty isn't you or me but our commonality As a species, are we, who seeks universality That won't happen when banality not fact is common mentality.

Details | Acrostic | |

Maybe Without...

Can’t see her face anymore when I think of 
her. Not even her eyes. 

Everything beyond myher reach, this
each day mundane way of life.

Still, you always told me 
each day—each lie.
Back when, well…

And then maybe she’ll live. Perhaps she’ll

Live to be transparent.


Details | Senryu | |

' Orbit Gum ... ' 28th Senryu

‘ Orbit Gum … ’   28th   Senryu 

       A Devious Tongue
    Is Not A Dry-Witty One
   Just Dirt and Mouth-Scum

Details | Rhyme | |

Damn Words

They get in the way
Actions speak louder
I don't care what you have to say

You mumble 
You can't speak your thoughts
These words you jumble
You tie your tongue in knots

In your mind you get lost
You cause a disaster
These words you exhaust
Don't speak faster

Find something different
Use your mind
Don't be ignorant 
Are you blind

Don't use them in herds
What the hell
Damn words

*Written on April 4, 2012*

Details | Free verse | |

I Should Have Won

I'm not one to jest, or protest,
-or say "I'm the best".
And I'm not one to pout, or put down,
-but I have little doubt...

That I should have won.

Oh yes, there were good entries,
Thrilling tales, brilliant reads.
But among those submissions getting recognition,
were poems of old entities.

Random words with abstract thoughts.
Tired rhyming, splats and gobs.
Nonsensical, gibberish disguised,
as wisdom for eyes that bought the lines.

-But MINE,

was brilliant, fresh, straight to the point.
-Funny, original...and something else that rhymes with point.

So I leave you now with this one fact;
My poem should have won, and that is that.

Details | I do not know? | |

A Fool In Love

As love hath come to smite the fool within So has hate to kill the wise heart with sin Thou pit'ist the fool that partakes in love And that of wise men's hearts now dead dark dove But praise henceforth the wise whom fell in love Acknowledging the fool in sin thereof Death smite thee thou becketing demon whole Dark child, dark face, dark heart, dark soul. . .Dead Dove

Details | Burlesque | |

Droopy Drawers

Another true tom tale;

Not too long ago
I did really own
A pair of 
Fruit of the Loom briefs,
One detined to make me groan

For sure, it had,
Seen a better day,
And up until this time
I now surely wonder why
I did not throw the damn thing away...

See, I wore them under 
my sweatpants,
Turned out I would have preferred
To bear a nest of ants...

Ever try walking
With your shorts down
to your knee?
It's very much unpleasant
And a sight to see...

Your constantly grabbing
At your groin,
As if you were in pain,
Or perhaps you seem
One totally insane

And you walk like
You've stepped in a
bear trap,
Or maybe horsey-dung
When I finally got home
I'd see how far they could be flung

But in the meantime,
life was torture
I felt like such a fool
What was I thinking of?
I sure did not look cool...

I walked like a penguin,
With antsy-antsy pants,
Grabbing at my loin,
At every possible chance...

Stupid does as stupid is
I'll never doubt that fact
When I got home,
I ordered up a stack
Of brand new underwear
And that was not all
I ordered suspenders
To wear underneath
So my briefs don't fall!

Details | ABC | |

The Emo ABC

A is for angry atheist angst
B- you're bleeding bruised broken taking your allowance to the bank

C is for cutting, crimson and crying
D is for daemons, death, darkness, and dying

E is for everything gone wrong in your life
F is the freedom you find in the knife

G is for gothic, straight from the womb
H is for the latest hawthorne heights tune

I is for immortal- you've commited suicide ten times already
J is for the jaded and emotionally unsteady

K is the knife you "accidentally" misplaced
L is for losers, lost life and lace

M is for makeup that cakes up your face
N is the nightlight to keep away the dark you "embrace"

O is because you're obviously obscure
P is for poetry or prose- you're not sure

Q is for quiet, you sit all alone
R is for razors when no one picks up the phone 

S is for screamo you can't get enough 
T is for tears damn, being fourteen is tough!

U is for ubiquitous mental disease
V is for vacant vacuous vampire wanna-be's

W is for whiny,well-fed suburbanite teens
X is for Xanax- you know what it means

Y is for youth spent all about you and your anhedonia
No diamond in the rough, you're just another cubic zirconia

Details | Burlesque | |

So Why'd You Sneeze On My Macaroni And Cheese?

So why'd you do this to me,
To sneeze all over my diner- to- be?
Now I'm real pissed at you,
Cause you got the flu,
And I don't know if this is cheese,
Or some yucky part of your sneeze,
And I ask you to please,
I'm beggin' on my knees,
Please leave my food alone,
Cause I am so prone,
To catch a bad flu with great ease,
So keep away your flu germs,
I'd rather eat worms,
And swing in the trees,
Naked in the breeze,
My sorry butt to freeze
To eventually sneeze and wheeze.

Details | Haiku | |

Love Hurts

                   Love hurts like;
               porky pines needles, of 
                    A cactus bush... Ouch!!!
                                     That hurts.
     Stop poking me...

Details | Free verse | |


In justification marked on its pivotal blank page yet fully intact

Gone our the days to frolic in a haze
We tend to vomit on each others neck
In regret with sore vent Vlad Impolaric ways

You stoled my heart then ran the distant mile away
Filtered in the mass hysteria with tiny nerves to sway
No shelter to cry we all fall for the lie
The liar is in us all

A peril excuse to next abuse

With a tug at the heart vanquished to even run the final mile
A jewel of the Nile with glasse cracked in desolation
Straight to Hell on your next vacation,
Surfing the videos on the web

What the Hell is going on inside our head?

Sweltering heat with bloodshed in our street,
The mind falters then crys with an ellusive side
Faltering critics in darkened demise having fins for teeth
Shattered in the wind six times then we begin again.

Details | Narrative | |

Life Throws a Curve

I can almost guarantee that this little poem will put a smile on your face by the time 
you get to the end of it:

He said he loved her and then she gained some weight Sixty pounds worth He said he’d love her more and she would look great Sixty pounds less Isn’t that the way that love always works? You’re loving each other with all of the perks Loving each other and you’re getting along Life throws a curve and you’re writing a song She told him she loved him and he grew a scraggly beard. Six inches worth. She said she’d love him more if he didn’t look so weird Six inches less. Isn’t that the way that love always works? You’re loving each other with all of the perks Loving each other and you’re getting along Life throws a curve and you’re writing a song He told her he loved her then her mom came for a stay Three months ago He told her he’d loved her more if her mom went away Thirty years or so. Isn’t that the way that love always works? You’re loving each other with all of the perks Loving each other and you’re getting along Life throws a curve and you’re writing a song She told him she loved him but then he grew pot for sale Three acres worth She said she’d love him more if they didn’t end up in jail. Three years worth Isn’t that the way that love always works? You’re loving each other with all of the perks Loving each the other and you’re getting along Life throws a curve and you’re writing a song He said he loved her then she ran over his cycle, $3,000 worth. He introduced her to his rich friend, Michael $3,000,000.00 worth Isn’t that the way that breaking up always works? Yelling names at each other, who needs the perks? No longer loving each other, not getting along, Michael’s stuck with her and I’m enjoying my song

Details | I do not know? | |


Art is art is Art,

and as such it will be confrontational to someone,

and will at some point in it’s existence, 

piss someone off every minute of the day

( CLiPiCs AKA Kriss Lee: 03-06-09)

Details | Free verse | |

Queen of Doubt



I await your reply with a sigh I wonder if I am bothering In truth I think it is in my head And that they do not mind a bit But sometimes, doubt pokes out And crowns me willingly Doubt is a friend I have come to know well In the most simplest of situations Or the most complex It is a friend that crowns me With a sense of humility—yet at the same time PRIDE I feel superior as the doubter And as such I wait for your reply Justifying the fact that I know you care And that my mind is creating a situation That does not in fact exist In fact, doubt IS pride It is full of limit and full of itself It does not add or subtract It simply clings And crowns my mind As I await your reply, I crown myself proudly, The Queen of Doubt

Details | Senryu | |


Constant 'wooshing' noise
Through a broken car window
Driving me insane

Details | Blank verse | |


She calls I a thousand names
The black witch of the south
The I in evil
The nothing that lies between
The namesayer
And the timekeeper
The thousand ticking boxes
The terror in the midst
The horseman and the thief
The alien and the astronaut
That came knocking
The air that sucked her lungs
The bitter aftertaste of sugar
The candle that burns bright
The penny that stole the truth
The fantasy leaping from the page
The trouble in the woods
The headline and the news
The temptation that makes men blind
The kiss of death
The final straw

Yes she calls me all these things
And yet all I offered was love

Details | Haiku | |

Stop Complaining Now

were you born that way--
complaining all of the time;
if not, stop it now

Details | Free verse | |


35, 000 above ground
Severe thunderstorms
Imperceptibly conceal amongst
Infinite blue.
Airbus shakes
We both do,
I pray
Not out loud
Ask for another day
Then Question Injections,
Why airplanes don’t
Have giant parachutes.

Details | Haiku | |


Ghost Business

Car keys disappeared.
“House Ghosts” working overtime.
Are they with the socks?

© Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
January 22, 2010

Poetic form:  Haiku

Details | Burlesque | |

The Easter Egg From Hell

Easter fun
When I was a kid 
Family dying eggs,
Then my father hid

Each egg penciled
With a value...
5 cents,
A dime,
A quarter,
A dollar....

They were hard to find...
And if good money,
We'd holler!

But one year 
Things went awry
One egg could not be found,
And we did wonder why...

As a matter 'a fact,
We didn't even know...
It was missing....
Till the smell started to grow...

Three years later
We found that devilish egg,
Surely a pawn of the devil
What else could it be?
Could smell the son of a gun,
But could not see....

He'd placed it in the top track,
Of the livingroom sliding door
Well out of sight,
But an odor you could not ignore

So follow your nose,
If a fool you be....
Just don't dare...
Come crying to me...

I hate damn eggs anyway
Unless scrambled....
They're okay.....

So try something different
More imaginative for makin'
And try and hide,
A pound of bacon!

Details | Monorhyme | |

Open Up

I walk towards my house without a key 
I pound at the door continually
I hover around the apartment with little energy
I run to the window with much animosity 


Details | Free verse | |

Relationship Math

They say one is the loneliest number,
And two heads are better than one.
But I say -1 is worse,
Because then you know what’s missing.
They say it is better to have loved and lost,
Then to never have loved at all
But they also say ignorance is bliss,
And knowing is half the battle
[Go Joe!]
The hell that is loss,
Is greater than lonely.
So I say screw them/they.
Learn to love yourself-
The only one who will be there for life…
Without you +1 or -1 doesn’t matter…
(It all averages out in the end…)

Details | Burlesque | |


i breathe and breathe out
each second unravels
as i open my eyes 
and see three stars just above me
an angel flies above me 
playing his harp
(i think it's broken
cuz i hear nothing from above)

in front of me
Elvis plays his guitar-
or whatever that is in his hands-
i think it's worn out
cuz it sounds like
there is a bee humming around me
how annoying can that get?

suddenly, mom comes before me
yelling with all her might
"you forgot to wash the dishes, Dan!!!"

now, Elvis has hightailed
who wouldn't?
even the angel with the broken harp
has flown away

so i return from the dead
to wash the dishes
how more unfair
life can get?
i can't even
rest in peace!!!

Details | Senryu | |

' Mama's Foot (or Giant Step For Mankind ...' 37th Senryu

A Warm Heart, Cold Feet
Girl Told Guy, Now Marry Me …
… Kick Him In His Seat !

Details | Free verse | |


Maggots, maggots
oh lord, maggots
they’re crawling through the
cracks between the wood
and they’re
swimming through the mountains
of trash
in the white plastic bag that
we left on the deck
and they’re
writhing on the floor
before my feet
hostages at the mercy of
their keeper.

Maggots, maggots
oh lord, maggots
I’m running through the
house taking deep breaths
and I’m
tearing off my red dress
and my 
fiance’s red jacket
(the cats are meowing)
and I’m
opening the door
to the bathroom
turning on the hot, hot water
of the shower.

Maggots, maggots
oh lord, maggots
I think I see them
crawling on my toes
and they’re
climbing up the shower
walls and
drowning in the drain water
pooling in the tub
and they’re
scooting up my legs
but wait, there are
maggots here, no maggots in the
shower, none. 

But now what am I
to do with the
real ones?

Details | I do not know? | |

Get off the damn phone!

(This is a fictional poem)

Get off the damn phone and I mean quick.
I'm expecting a call from a hot chick.
You'd better not cause me to miss her call.
If you do, you won't have any balls.

Details | I do not know? | |

Not so mid life crisis

He’s having a big mid life crisis
It’s a bit late, I grant you, but true
It should have begun in his forties
And not when he hit eighty two
When he traded his wife for a new one
(She is thirty years younger, or more)
The old one was getting quite past it
So he told her, and showed her the door

He now spends his time, with fine dining and wine
And all of life’s pleasures and joys
From Italian suits and dying his roots
To a house full of gadgets and toys
In the garage there sits a big Harley 
And whenever the weather is sunny
He jumps on his hack, with his bird on the back
And they go out and spend loadsa money

But he’s not such a big hairy biker
Since when they return from the trip
He’ll sit down in front of the fire
For a cocoa, and afternoon kip
As his old aching bones start rebelling
And he ponders upon his past life
All the things he has done, the women the fun
But most, how he misses his wife

Details | Blank verse | |

the ship officer and a lady

The ship officer and the Lady 

As I waited for my ship to dock at the onion pier,
a clerk came and handed me a bag of garlic for
the ship, I told him I had not ordered any and
showed him my three silver rings on my uniform.
He smirked and said I must have borrowed it to
impress the gullible, I shrank inside the uniform 
and could not see my hands and feet. 
Met a lady who was waiting for the ship too, she
was the wife of the chief engineer, and together
we strolled to the end of the dock, where 
I resentfully threw the bag of garlic into the sea
where it swelled, became a life boat that slowly 
drifted away. Back at the spot where the ship was
supposed to dock we’re told the ship had come 
and gone. The lady sat on a pollard crying, took
her wedding ring off and threw it into the water,
I, who had taken Lasix 40, peed into the same sea 
and its water turned pink. “Truly, this man is
a saint someone whispered”. Confident again 
I swelled in the uniform and could see my hands 
and feet . The clerk asked forgiveness and kissed 
the onyx ring on my left index finger and gave me 
another bag of garlic.      

Details | Free verse | |

Smashing Georgia Peaches

Down in the humid mosqitoe pits
Across the street we have guns for sale
Don't stay too still(especially in the evening)
The blood suckers will feast!

If you live through the west nile virus
You might get killed in a drive-by
Homies don't have no education
No working skills, homie can fly high

Pop a cap, in ya, if you stare in his face
  take ya money to get high!

Farming don't pay, China has our industry
China has our stock market money
Only job in GA is an officer of the law
Better not speed on the way to Palm beach

Peach fuzz Revenue, word!

still working on it...

Details | Rhyme | |

Why I Write

I write to release all of the emotions I’ve picked up during the day,

I write to remember happy memories, and to make the bad ones fade away.

I write because I am in love. I write because I’m in pain…

I write because I have nothing to lose, and so very much to gain.

I write when my head is filled with fantasies, dreams and or goals,

I write because just like an actor, my mind takes on many roles.

I write my own songs, poems and sometimes silly little rants,

I write because I feel, I write because I can’t.

I write to show others like me that they are never alone,

I write to create another world that is simply my own.

I write because I am proud. I write because I’m ashamed…

I write when there’s a voice inside of me that can’t be tamed. 

I write at three in the morning when I can’t fall asleep,

I write because it is far better than counting furry sheep.

I write because I always have something to say,

I write because it has made me into who I am today.

Details | I do not know? | |


Is it pop-up paranoia
or can they read my mind? 
Each time I simply think something
on my screen I'm sure to find.

I wonder how they know it.
Am I sending out some ~waves~? 
Can I try to stop the pop-ups? 
It seems nothing really saves.

My mind just starts to wonder
how they always seem to know....
just which ''Free Ads'' will interest me
and which ones not to show. :) 

I am haunted with this thought now
that they see me through my screen.
I have pop-up paranoia.....
(now I'm wondering what they've seen!) 

Details | Limerick | |

Macho People have a reason to live

Macho people have a reason to live
Laugh at the wimps
who have an opportunity to give
Men with their biceps
flexing heavy weight
Mocking the small
and their symbol that they hate
Goody two shoes
His eyes on the laptop
Mean Joe Green
wants that thing-am-a-jig to stop
Rolling up the sweaty sleeve
daring the nerd to make him leave
He does not respond
Mr.Machismo thinks he's won
It's the same ol tale
Little guys are sissies
They're not wanted in the navy
In a world in which WE are only sloppy lasts
Is it the Bully or the Weenie
that gets the last laughs

Details | I do not know? | |


((*part 2 of dough* DUH DUUUUUUUUUH!!! *epic orchestra plays and drums beat wildly and flawlessly*)
Alright, here's the poem after all that nonsense one line above me!:

I drunk grape juice...yum!
Then, I got drunk! How did I - Is it rum? 
I feel so dumb...and so numb...
It was a hot day, dude! 
I didn't mean to drink wine 
During school hours!
Oh! It tasted swell nevertheless!
Don't tell anyone about this! or...
I'll give you some punch!! (got the pun?)
It was a cool day
Until afternoon arrived all of the sudden! Oh hey!
Dawn is gone, oh well! I still feel gay (happy once again)
I drunk alcohol 
Without me aware of it! I’m still innocent!!
Hangover time! Oh no…
Result – angry parents ! Ah oh… 


Details | Acrostic | |


A choo! Achoo! Oh geez, here we go!
L ousy allergies putting on a show.
L ingering effects of pollen's assault,
E yes weeping, nose running, I wish it would halt.
R ecurring miseries with each seasonal change,
G uaranteeing discomfort, plans rearranged.
I ndecent exposure to dust mites and such,
E nergy draining meds a necessary crutch.
S niffing and sneezing - I've had enough!

Details | Burlesque | |

A Matter of Taste

Morbid Fascination?
Eccentric arbitrary
Pseudo Sadistic
Same Thing?
You bring Abomination,
I'll bring the booze.

Details | Rhyme | |

Get Dressed

If you're too tired too eat the meat
Grow a backbone and stand on your own two feet

Doesnt' happen in a minute
Doesn't happen in an hour
Works like soaking in marinade
Longer it sits, 
More flavor is added to the taste of power

Lips and a voice allow you to speak
Ears allow you to hear
Eyes allow you to see
You'd rather ignore these miraculous gifts
While you relax and drink a beer

You wake the next day
Disappointed that you've settled for a job you hate
Get dressed, drive to work
Life is too short for this..common!
Why do you wait?

No wonder you keep yourself so well groomed
You've got nothing else to offer, you feel doomed
That mentality wont get you down the block
Take a sick day and learn to play with sidewalk chalk

Money isn't the root of all evil
It's greedy people that want to be in histories sequel. 

Details | Rhyme | |

Scary Freakin' Clowns

SOMEBODY HELP ME !!! The voices in my head argue forth and back they make me tired afraid of an attack but… I can’t sleep ‘cause the clowns will eat me Scary Freakin' Clowns What scares me most is that big red nose I don’t want to be around when he sneezes or blows Scary Freakin’ Clowns No! what scares me most is those stupid floppy shoes his big smelly feet are as big as canoes Scary Freakin’ Clowns NO WAIT, it’s those creepy smelly flat feet and gnarly toenails those nasty twisted toenails on his big smelly flat feet inside those stupid floppy shoes big as canoes that’s what scares me most, ick I’m gonna be sick Scary Freakin’ Clowns And if you squeeze that frickin’ horn one more time, I’m gonna cram it up your clownie brownie so damn far your farts will honk Scary Freakin’ Clowns

Details | I do not know? | |

The Loch Ness monster raped me

(This is a fictional poem)

I proved that the Loch Ness monster is real.
But it raped me and that was a terrible ordeal.
The monster is ugly and as big as a whale.
I learned the hard way that it's a female.
Now the monster is pregnant and she'll have a tyke.
I hate to think of what my freak baby will look like.
Visiting Loch Ness is something that I regret.
You'd better stay as far away from there as you can get.

Details | Free verse | |

Compromise on Aisle Three

I've been wondering
what's easier
Giving up?
Or giving in?
I want to do a little of
I need to weigh the cost
Want to get my moneys worth
after all.
But wait,
it seems
Giving up
and giving in
are really the same
Looks like compromise 
is on sale this week.
Too good a deal to 
pass up
if you ask me.

Details | Senryu | |

E. Coli Outbreak

cartoon character's 
favorite veggie is off
the market.  oh drat!

--  This is for all of us who like spinach and can't eat it until the E. Coli
outbreak has been fixed.

Details | Free verse | |

MoonBee's Madrigal

Oh... Oh... Come Into The Moon Light …
        And Dance With Me Tonight
I’ve Pink Champagne, Lit FirePlace Flame 
        And The Stars Are Twinkling Bright
I’ve Put On Your Favorite Dinner and Rose Dress
        For Your Delight
Ooooh, Come Into The Moon Light …
        And Dance With Me Tonight

Heeeey, Honey, What Happened To The Lights?
        You Paid The Bill … Alright?
Bring Me A Beer and That Remote Here
        The Cowboys Play Tonight !
Why’s The Table Set… We Got Guests?
         Is That Dress A Little Tight? ……
              * *///// # # ////\\
I Don’t Know Sam… She Just Picked A Fight !
Hauled-Off and Hit Me… With All… Her… MoonBee…  M i g h t  !

Details | Narrative | |

The Bow-Wow Song !

I was ‘ Walking ’ back from grocery shopping
When I saw something, that had me hopping…
… mad, I mean… at what I seen
… a Man treating a Dog, just like a Queen !

They rode past in a top-down car
She had shades on, like a Movie-Star
My bags dropped down, due to shock…
… Now… What She got, that I ain’t got?

… Her big ears blowing in the wind
Now, I know, that’s Man’s Best Friend
But the only reason, I figured, I was Walking
is ‘cause I need a new kind-of-Talking :

Bow-Wow!     Get my  tail to Wagging
Bow-Wow!     Ain’t too Proud for Begging
Bow-Wow!     Learn another kind of Language
Bow-Wow…    … see I can Manage …
Bow-Wow !
I’m slowly Learning How
-	    to Bow-Wow
                    and it’s Alright Now

Now, I knew, something was wrong with that Sight
Can my Bark, be worse than Her Bite?
I started to Listen to the Canine next Door
Yapping and a Howling – made ‘em give Her More…

Then I hung around the Local Pet-Shop
I Finally figured out “What They Got !”
The next Man came, I Said, “They’s Expensive,
You may as well, get yourself a ‘Mrs’…”

                    … Bow-Wow!
Bow-Wow!      Get my  tail to Wagging
Bow-Wow!      Ain’t too Proud for Begging
Bow-Wow!      Learn another kind of Language
Bow-Wow…   … see I can Manage
Bow-Wow !
I’m slowly Learning How
	     to Bow-Wow
                     and it’s Alright Now

Well… We were already happily Married, when He said, “Let’s get a Dog”
I sat up straight… went to sniffing, as silent-whistle-warnings, went off
I jumped in front of Him … and started to Tease…
“We don’t need nothing ‘round with Fleas !”

… and if You scratch behind My Ears,
I’ll make the kind of noise, you love  to Hear ! …

Bow-Wow!      Move Over Rover
Bow-Wow!      Fe-Fe, Its Over !
Bow-Wow!      This is My Growler
                     Git’ A Little Louder … Bow – Wow !

                 Bow-Wow… Wuff  Wuff  Wuff

         Carol Brown… This One’s For You Kiddo’
         And Your Great Sense of Humor (Smile)
              This Poem is From Bygone Days
(Wouldn’t You Know… The Silly One’s Always Survive)
                         Hope You Enjoy It….


Details | Cinquain | |


Base balls
some balls  fall
when balls fall it galls

Details | Rhyme | |

I Hate You

I wish your face
gets blown to bits
I wish you
are eaten by monsters
I wish your skin
is infested with ticks
I wish you are
I wish your eyes 
melt out your face
I wish you 
die painful and slow
I wish your body explodes
in outer space
I wish you
burn in hell.

Details | Free verse | |

About Me

I am a grossly overweight midget 
of later years.  

I have a penchant for funny women, 
the absurd, 
and baked goods.  

I have 826 thousand dollars in the bank 
and a dose of psoriasis. 

My personality is that of a freight train
with two, loose wheels.

I must use bag balm 
on my undercarriage and 
moisturizers on my elbows.  

I burn with barbaric breathing and sweat. 
My reptile heart is that of a porkyitalian lover.
I can beat out a double-paradiddle on a snare drum, 
or compose electronic pieces.

My time is best passed writing, 
and romping 
with my 4-legged friends.


If you don't already know, ABOUT ME
usually refers to a section of a web site or
BLOG that tells about the author.  This is
parody, BTW.

Details | Free verse | |

Victory Is Mine

I wish I could say failure was as unknown
to me as my brother's current address,
but last year on my seventh anniversary,
I gave my wife a cupcake with a candle in it
and a six pack of non-light beer,
four of which I drank..

The spot where my college diploma 
should be is taken by a picture
of pool-playing dogs and the caption,
"hey, one leg on the floor."

My childhood soccer uniform is not
framed in my office next to other
sports memorabilia from fellow
professional athletes.

Yes, failure follows me as closely
as my little brother did, age four through ten.

when I saw that toddler-sized dribble of pee
sporadically hit the inner walls of the toilet 
and then waterfall downward into
the pool of redemption below,
I grabbed my newly potty-trained son's arm,
held it up toward the gods that made it all possible,
and yelled, "gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!"

I followed this up with an acceptance speech
to a still toilet-seated audience member of one,
in which I thanked everyone from huggies pull-ups
to the first years toilet seat company.

Weeks of hard work culminated in this one day,
and I knew
victory was mine.

Details | Free verse | |

me and six hippies

so im this town right
with six hippies, and i dont know what a hippie is yet
and we go to the bar
start talking about the water
and one hippie says he's startin to get sick
and im like well
do they well the water?
the second hippie says
my head is spinning
and the third one says no it isnt

I start laughing
and the fifth hippie got sick
I said I was already sick when i got here
so im not sure what it is
i ask
whats that smell?
They told me
the rest of the hippies
i said
what hippies?

I dont see any hippies

and then i fell into the pit
it was a hippie pit
i didnt know i was a hippie

so there i am in this hole right
with 6 hippies
and the first says
whats that smell
and i said
i think its you hippies
i was told you stink
so the first hippie
said i need to take a bath
the second hippie said
where you going with it
the third hippe asked
is every hippie in this pit

the six hippies did it
whatever they think they did
me and six hippies drinking water
gettin sick

Details | Burlesque | |

Once Upon A Tom

Once upon a Tom,
When he had nothing on,
A foolish man seemingly calm
Stood before his door
Need I say more?

The police came quite quick,
Said he was mentally sick,
Threw a blanket over him,
To cover his naked limb

They hauled him off to jail,
Said there was no bail,
Indecent was not the charge
They said his body was too large

No one needed to see his flesh
And his physique did not seem to mesh
As his feet were too big,
And he wore a pubic wig,

So ten years he had to serve,
Because he had such nerve,
To scare the neighbors away,
And so they still do say

Too much Tom
On one's hands,
Stifles up
The strongest glands

Now in long years inside his cell,
The tale of a naked Bell
Is what every inmate will tell
Was surely a sight from hell.

Details | Sonnet | |

The Succubus I Date

You’re the succubus at the edge of my bed
that use to call at night. I was nearly dead.
You would climb on top of my creased corpse 
and claim my soul through the fleshy pours
still letting off the last remaining heat of life.
You laid your naked body on mine in spite
of the fact that you had already taken
all the religion I had left for praying.

And now, in my last blurry waken days,
you still perch yourself like a bird of prey
over my bed post and laugh at the ghosts
of my past. You have some reason to boast.
You crept up while I was half asleep
and covered me with the purple sheet.

Details | I do not know? | |


The Princess in her tower tall
With oaken door and granite wall
Sat sobbing at the window high
“Will someone save me” she did sigh
“Fear not young maid,“ a voice did shout
“For I am here, to get you out;
I have a cunning plan, so sly
To free you from your tower high
I’ll dress as does a man who’s poor
Then knock upon the outer door
And when the guard doth then unlock
I’ll beat his head in with this rock”
“Kind Prince” she said from up above
“You’re someone, I could truly love
But your attempt will be in vain
To rescue me you’ll need a crane
Although your planning may seem sound
I weigh three hundred and twenty pounds” 
The prince then pondered hard and long
And wondered where he’d gone so wrong
He yearned to be a Royal hubby
But not to one who’s quite so chubby.

 © John W Fenn   03-12-2008

Details | Couplet | |

The Value of homelessness

Just because you have no home,
Does not make you any less,
You are still apart of this human race,
Whether you live in a mansion or a mess.

It’s such a shame to see your life go down the drain,
But you still hang in there strong,
You drench in the cold rain,
While singing your hopeful song.

I sometimes think of what you would have been like before,
 I suppose no different to who you are today,
Material possessions can't make you any more,
They just get in the way.

It’s not in my hands to rescue you,
Though I wish it could be,
Remember I’m the one who is trapped,
And you are the one who is free.

At least now you know the value of a stone,
The pricelessness of a crumb,
The fear of being alone,
Facing the end, if it shall ever come.

But one day your dreams shall build your home,
Then your sleepless fearful nights will be gone,
But in the mean time you keep hanging on.

Details | Lyric | |

Become Your Enemy

Seeking retribution is the only solution. Don't let pity fill you with confusion. So 
here is evils contribution. When disposing of evil, one must become evil. When 
composing an honest face, the enemy you must embrace. When using devious 
behavior, turn to satan as your savior. When engaging an enemy, know his 
weakness is your remedy. The weak and powerless should not be punished for 
an a@#holes flaws. So i will fight their wars. Take these steps for face value, for 
these people you encounter are pathetic and shallow.

Details | Burlesque | |

Devil With a Rag

He's back
My nemesis,
Billy Mays,
Never does he fail
To amaze

Now pushing "Zorbees"
miracle rag,
And as I watch,
I start to gag

He's taken Vince's
Sham Wow,
And made it his
Holy Cow!

He copied his ad
Near word for word
This blazing scuz-bucket,
This worthless turd

I want to order an "Awesome Auger"
And pretend to be
Billy Mays' proctologist
And clean out this
Ass's ass
I think such a plan
Is first class

I'll get a medal of honor
That's for sure
Cause any more Billy Mays
No one can endure

Details | Limerick | |

I Must'a Been a Beautiful Baby...

I must'a been a beautiful baby,
but that ain't true any more
But try as I might, 
I'm still a pathetic sight,
One that no one can any longer adore

Details | I do not know? | |

Pretty Tasteless

If you don’t go crazy someone else will, 
And you’ll look disgusted you’ll envy the thrills,
That you could have had if you weren’t refined,
But I’m just a fool with foolish advice.

Details | I do not know? | |

De-stress the Dis-tresses

Watch the multi-tasking drivers talking on the phone.
This is a story of our daily life-style that we overlook and condone.
Recognize the familiar a.m. and p.m. rush-hour cast? 
Could this be you in traffic on the 405 Fwy? Or Sepulveda Pass? 
We’re a self-selected group of L.A people here, 
Chasing “The American Dream” with Gucci, anxiety and fear. 
Caught up and concerned with the invincible fountain of youth,
We end up adding on years to what is already the truth.
Sleep deprived while under or over exercised,
Cortisol levels are on the rise.
Cares and worries conquer your thoughts.
Moments of anxiety like these, definitely come easy no matter what you were taught.
The only person who makes the rules is you to measure.
Value the now and don’t succumb to the daily grind and pressures.
It’s a good time for meditation, yoga, or tai-chi
So stop texting, get off your blackberry, leave alone the cell
Open your heart, spirit, and TRUTH to “Living Well”. 
From Bad Hair Days to Burnout HAIR
Is the teachings of the HAIRESS and her Tresses.
One attains their dharma path to de-stress from 21st century distress.

Details | Couplet | |



Woke up on the wrong side of the bed,
There's a mind numbing pain at work in my head.
Wash my hair and comb my face,
Something died in my mouth, where's the toothpaste?

Grab a quick bite of breakfast and rush out the door,
Can't find my car keys, they fell on the floor.
Finally find them and start the car,
I'm gonna be late, well that's about par.

Hit every stop light on the way to work,
Look down and notice there's a stain on my shirt.
Forgot to let Spike out, he's crossing his legs,
Have to go back, this morning's the dreggs.

The absolute bottom, the pitts, it's the worst!
What else could happen, it seems that I'm cursed!
Wait a minute, it's Monday, first day of the week,
No wonder this day has begun so bleak.

Come ahead Monday, get it over with now!
I've got bon bons and chocolates and a little brown cow,
To soothe and to comfort my poor shattered nerves,
And to bind and to buffer the slings and the curves;

Do your worst Monday,
Come on, have a fit,
You can't scare me,
I have chocolate!

                                                        Judy Ball

(Afterall, chocolate is an emotional band aide)

Details | Light Poetry | |



In her straight back chair

A lonely women sits

Munching on a pear

Her memory struck with blitz

The first boy she kissed
Has flashed into her mind
The hidden rosy tryst
His lips with heat refined

Her quickened pen flew 
Her breath was moist and hot
Desire gently grew
and dinner was forgot

Details | Senryu | |

' Complicated ' 5th Senryu

‘ Complicated ’

Give Me Crème-Fill-Cake
Complicated Cookies Bake
Nuts, That I Can’t Take ! ...

Details | Free verse | |

Stuck in the membrane

Here my guttural wombat cry
I'm envisioning a life without you...
This ridiculous school bus pandering-
Let the mafia emerge from underground
Shell the streets down
To choke this gasoline vibe

What were you hoping this time around?
Let the karma ferris wheel fly off the boardwalk
And skittles pepsi cola families
Hit the rebound
Your sucking the atmosphere dry

I'd rather dig a grave than participate
I'll be a carpenter bee
To your massive unparalleled stupidity

Details | Free verse | |


Although a tear drop should fall through the pavement floor

Shades of grass torn in its desirable stregnth;
Fragmentation of a whisper with no mere shoulder to cry.
Then fought back the tears in my head wishing dead
In solace the filter was then drained in its timely hue

Folded hands in glance of maze
Through disillusion & mediocre response;
In caring we will know by any means necessary

With a soft shelter to cry amidst the inner sadness & pain
Let me be the first to explain;
Shattered dreams within midnight screams
Amidst the porch bell parchment;

In sadness the Summer Solstice will notice;
latent dreams inside will scream

Vanquished as if we haven't yet even noticed
A challenge awaits through its sign & gate
Still it is best to live by faith
We rationalize our existence on store bought suds

Chasing crystals in jars of clay
In grand illusion throughout the day
Chase dreams once again through my hair my faithful friend
Chosen asps in sulfur & dessensitization

One would stick like glue then were through;
A lone habitation within its vested spool
Shadows in the rise of morn if their is a challenge its as good as born
Socialized wandering wizards running wild in our streets

In viable degrade;
Shelter lies dormant again amidst its beckoning call
Through the heart we have lit the spark;
To the source we light the candle in the dark

Shaded grass in its viable mast across the grass;
No peril to hard to embrace its inner guise
The peril or disguise...

Details | Burlesque | |

Tom the Brainless Baker

Got a great recipe
For cheescake...
Decided to make it once...
My experience was to show me
I really am a dunce...

First I had to whip cream cheese
I threw it in a bowl,
Took out my trusty mixers
And thrust it in the hole

The cream cheese was cold,
The mixers started to smoke,
I guess I should have been told
Let it warm up or you will choke

The mixers got hot, the smoke
got thick,
Though not thicker than my head
A flame shot out,
I threw them down
A bit more and I'd be dead

So now it became a manual thing
An exhaused soon was I
I started to wish, for God's sake,
Why didn't I just buy a pre-baked pie?

Some time later I had to seperate
the eggs,
The yokes from the white,
I knew I was in trouble,
For baking at all that night...

Now it said to "fold-in" the egg whites,
I looked at this quite dismayed
How does one "fold" such a thing?
I now knew I should have prayed...

I should have read these instructions first,
I should have known I was too dumb,
To understand a baker's ways
My brain was surely numb

I scratched my head and wondered
How I was supposed to fold
This gooey messy slop,
I should have been pre- told.

I stared at the bowl for half an hour
My demeanor becoming ever more dour
My first attempt and here I was,
My bakery career already becoming sour...

So I called six friends,
Until I found
Someone to illuminate me
This would be the last 
home-made cheesecake,
That anyone would surely see.

So if you need a wedding cake,
Napoleon is at the oven
And if you wish an eclair,
You must supply me
with the ec....
And if you think I'll bake for you
I'll wring your scrawny neck!

Details | Senryu | |

' Argumentative ... ' 25th Senryu

‘ Argumentative ’   25th   Senryu 

        Argumentative …
… Just Like Being Derisive
    Need, More Laxatives

Details | Burlesque | |

My Host, the Ghost...

Hair standing up
Skin rippled with fear
Breath coming hard....
Means she is now near

I've heard the moans,
Many a night,
Always at 2:20 am
I'm now prone to fright

Something yanking
at my covers,
From the foot of the bed,
Somehow I know,
That something is dead

Then the swirling mist,
Ectoplasm lips seeming
to kiss,
My heart so loud pounding,
My fear so astounding,
I'm frozen in terror,
The kind so much rarer,

I'd go for the light,
But I'm paralyzed by fright
I think I hear her, in the dim 
yellow moonlight
Though Im not so sure,
How much more I can endure

Now I know what to do,
Before I might see her anew,
From now on I will sleep
Where the dead don't creep

I'll make it my nightly aim,
To find a motel that i can well blame
Should the ghost follow me,
A law suit they will see...

Details | Free verse | |


119  degrees at my house
110  at the airport
I'm going to the airport

Details | Rhyme | |


If you read my poem - Comfort - these next two might make more sense.  I have to 
say that the three poems make a good trilogy of chemo side effects.

My New Best Friend

My new best friend
Who stops you ere’ you go again
Who’s there at your bitter end

Mdailey	5/21/11

Imodium – Friend and Foe

Friendships come and friendships go
Imodium, just so you know
It binds you up and tightly so
So you never get to go
But get to go is normal – no?
And normal means you have to flow
Cause things build up and pressures grow
Well, pretty soon you’re bound to blow

So here I sit, relief I beg
I’m sitting on a powder keg!

Exaggerate? I guess I tend
But it worked out well in the end 

Mdailey	5/18/11

Details | Bio | |

2 Hour Doze!

A new man I am!
2 hours dozing....
My brainmatter no longer oatmeal,
More in the consistency of rice krispies

Details | Free verse | |

Muddy Road

Oh, Lord
went down
a muddy road,
dirt sticking
in the ruts 
of my shoes.

How long
before it dries
up, falls off?

Details | Free verse | |

Hardcore satanists

world wars your mongering for
the big satanic bloodbath
more appealing to god
then two homosexual men
The devil may cry
my favorite angel facing a feat of unequal measure
since you know soo much about him
live it everyday
you never let him live this down
just work on making yourselves miserable
you look soo happy that way
words you read by the best
your own walking contradiction
so caught up in getting what you want at anycost
you forgot what he wanted
and there is a price to pay
signed yourself up for a fight that isnt yours
the rules you live by
they are enforced
you cant scramble away from this fast enough
the lie you live for power
lesser of two evils presented to you
path of least resistance corners you again
sing yourself to suicide ever soo sweetly
the shortest straw has no alibi
and i think its funny
Jesus has some truth to tell him
slip the witch a missing letter
she doesnt mind bringin him back to life
even the devil you know
splattered all over your pages
the philosophy you seem to live everyday
offered you a short term power
and we just throw you away
came to get my favorite angel
something youve been denying yourself the whole time
trivial pursuit of endless lies manipulating yourselves this way is such a shame
now i'm not obligated to help you
you had a choice
the game of life you signed up for is coming round again
faster than you think
your underground rivalry of seeking after power
i paid the devil to see if you would make this mistake
then you did and i agreed he could do the dirty work in jesus name
the truth will get you in karmic laws you forgot about
threefolds of being humbled
and humbled and humbled again
wont even help you, you cant get away
hardcore satanists dressed up as saints messing up their own destiny
did the world not tell you
life is a test?
you were tested
you failed
the devil was in on it
enjoy your bloodbaths of endless wars in hell
the world kept this under rug swept
and now for you there is no way out
paid the devil for me
and jesus will eventualy set him free from the you he doesnt want
your not fathoming this properly
jesus was tortured so you wouldnt be
the letter gone missing
now whose got a face to blame
hardcore satanists
my favorite angel loves me
he wouldnt allow me to live this nightmare
so hes taking you far far away

Details | Burlesque | |

Tom's Trashy Tid-Bits

Yes, folks, it's happened again; the trash compactor backed up and spewed out 
all the following nonsense;
How come you only hear the term "scutch" in a hospital? "Come on scutch on 
over to the gurney.'  And that word, gurney, sounds like a 12 year old baseball 
I don't get no respect!!  Even the devil is trying to exorcize me from my home!
And my mailman, he knows about my financial problems, he just tosses my bills 
in the trash, with a jolly smirk.  I wanted to go to the Army to go to Irag- they said,
yeah, sure, and they paid my fare to Osama Bin Laden's Camp!
For Valentines' Day I get Sympathy cards!!  I cook hot meals for my dog, but he 
won't eat them, after he sees how sick I get from them.
I love thunder and lightning- everyone tells me If I get struck, it'll be my closest
experience to being alive.
I told my girlfriend, the ex-bride of Frankenfuter, that I ordered an organ.  She said,
"Good"- she's tired of feeling like a nun.  Then she asked me to teach it to her 
This is true, and truely embarassing; no one ever told me how to put on a 
prophelactic- I unrolled it first.  The torture was so bad I gave up sex for ten years.
(And unfortunately, my potential partners extented that for another ten!)
How come VCRs only work at 12:00?
Every Ambulance I take, the drivers make me pull it!  And they want me to carry 
them on the stretcher.  Then there is that "Bath Fitter" commercial, it might be just 
local, I don't know...These guys put new plastic facings over tubs, shower walls, 
etc.  But, what I don't seem to understand, this woman, homemaker, comments 
that she's so pleased, whenever she has company, or any visitors, the first thing 
she always does, and seemingly, ever did, upon their arrival, was to take them to 
her bathroom for a tour.....Am I missing something here?  I sure ain't gonna' visit 
HER!!!  She ought to be examined....
I always thought a parody was a talking bird with marginal school grades.
And so we end for the night, sleep tight....

Details | Clerihew | |

Too Many Rambles

Too Many Rambles

Tiger Woods
Seems to have spread his “goods.”
His life is now in shambles.
From his extra-curricular rambles.

© Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
January 22, 2010

Poetic form: Clerihew

Details | Rhyme | |

What Shall We Do

What Shall We Do?

Shall we start with wine and women eating cheese?
Are there grapes in the forest?  Will our children use there knees?

Shall we fall from clouds and eat from a pan?
Are there apples in the ocean? On this can we plan?

Shall we choke on a bone and cough up a lung?
Are there chickens in the closet? Push pins for the young?

Shall we poke at the marrow and pick with a stick?
Are there dogs in the bathroom? Does your candle have a wick?

Shall we fire aloft and charge to the right?
Are there daisies in the court room? Is your hair on to tight?

Shall we spoon our tuna and wish at the well?
Are there roses in the board room?  Does your flower have a bell?

Shall we pack a loaf and wagons for the ghost?
Are there pigeons in the teepee? Is there fog along the coast?

Shall we board a ship and pass the outer isles?
Are there loonies in the camper?  Does it always end in smiles?

Details | Quatrain | |

Get to Work

Men at work, bumper to bumper
tensile traffic, thick black bitumen.
Everything seems to last longer 
then that grey granulated concrete

that extends from Bodega, Cali-
fornia to Savannah, Georgia.
Blacktop pot-fill smells like
the solid and searing work of roofers;

hardhat knuckle down workers,
men that stretch skyscraper towers,
or suspend themselves over
the ledge of the Golden Gate Bridge.

If only this endless line of steel
on rubber wheels could steam roll
past the frustrated flashing lights
and pinstriped lattes honking horns.

If only these orange jump suites,
(sloth shaped men on armrest shovels,)
spent less time blathering like this poem,
we’d all be able to get to work. 

Details | Free verse | |

I Stand

I could sit here and write crap all day
and some self-proclaimed pontificator
would criticize it
for the drivel it is
love it,
and call it Poetry.

Free verse…
Just other names for 
“Got No Talent”
and no sense of rhythm or rhyme
beloved by those 
who adore disjointed thought
and random word.

Yes, I am great,
for I stand on a rock and shout
so all the world may hear
my prolific
poetic words.

And because I 
catch the eye 
One Who Is Heard,
who has access 
to grant money 
others who self-proclaim,
I am suddenly,
a Poet.

Details | Free verse | |

The Dentist.

    Sitting in the dentists chair,
     I wish I was any where else but here.
     Am I scared no not  I,
     look at my clammy hands and you know I lie.
     I look around the sterile room,feeling and sensing only gloom.
      I  see the instruments by the side,
      wondering what secrets they hide.
      The door now opens wide,
      a man in a white coat steps inside.
       "Good morning Mr Dunford how are you today"
        Keeping my cool,"very well "Isay.
       He is now in front of me,and says"open wide let me see":
      As I open my mouth wide I feel the instruments 
       poking inside.
        The next words "two fillings are missing,"
        don't help at all  I wish I could run away,
          but I know I have to stay.
         As the drilling starts you can hear my heart,
         my pulse is getting faster,
          I think I am going to fade away,
         no please God not today I  don't want to go this way.

Details | Ballad | |

Freddy The Fly Takes a Bride

Freddy the Fly,
Now back from the moon,
Noticed on his calendar,
That it was now June...

The wedding month,
thought our dear Freddy,
But a fly has a short life,
So then, before I'm dead,
I gotta' find a fly-wife!!

So Freddy flew
all abouts the world
Searching for,
the perfect fly-girl

Finally he was rewarded,
When Nicole Fly he did meet,
He got so excited,
He stepped on her fly-feet

But the attraction seemed mutual,
Like a fly to horse manure,
But when they did converse,
They both were very sure,

Freddy proposed his 
fly matrimonial hope,
Nicole said yes, let's
go elope....

But a wise Freddy the fly,
Did look her in the eye,
He knew she'd someday
Such a simple way to beget,

So he told her of his plan,
For the biggest fly-wedding
in all the land,

The solemn day came real quick,
A Sunday wedding, they did pick
And as it did unfold,
This story I was told,
He'd waited for her hand to hold,
To place on her fly-hand the ring gold,

Dressed in his little fly-tux,
Fly guests tried to hold their yucks,
And Nicole, in her fly gown,
Flew about, then up, then down,

To land on the fly-alter,
Not for a fly minute did she falter,
Said, "Yes, Fly Priest, I do!!...
And if's all the same to you.....
Would you get off my fly wedding cake,
It took so long for the fly-baker to make"

And Freddy's anxious to leave at once,
On a fly honeymoon, for sure,
But, alas, I almost forgot-
No "moon" in the honeymoon- no more!

For Freddy had eatten the romantic moon,
It tasted like sh_t, and it did ruin,
The moonlight for kissing was there no more,
So to fly-sleep they went,
and soon began to fly-snore.....

Now a Freddy Fly's snore is an event to behold,
At least as a fly-story, we've been told
Nicole , she couldn't sleep
As Freddy fly-snored deep,
She flew off and let the fly groom,
Wake up next fly-day to fly-gloom!

Details | Light Poetry | |

Hamster Wheel

one thing missed
then two fall down
not a baby
left to drown
just simple things
oft forgotten
bananas left
black and rotten
bunnies made of
hair and dust
conspiracies of
dirt and rust
gather, gather
piling high
they just get worse
as days go by
spend a day with
broom and mop
working 'til you
think you'll drop
what is clean
won't stay that way
never even merely
for a day
webs of cob hang
from the ceiling
mocking me
(you know the feeling)
endless, endless
is the filth
defeating me and
harming health
inadequate is
how I feel
can't keep up on
this endless wheel
where has all my
life-force gone?
no more strength
to sing this song
dust and dirt has 
me defeated
I guess I'll just...
remain seated.

Details | Free verse | |

In Need Of Therapy

Ulysses Rudolph Roberts
a Federalist by default
laid on the couch
and spilled out his guts
to a women he
envisions to be
the ultimate 
siren of shrinks.
With her hair in a bun
books, glasses
and that half buttoned
blouse thing.
He cried and he shook
over the battles he fought
and how everything
that ever happened
was never his fault.
After all
he would reason
he had built
the best fortress
in all God's Kingdoms
with ultra thick walls
turrets and draws.
The tallest
strongest and soundest
in all worlds.
So what if he had to kill
capture and rape
in order to feed 
the armies he made
he had God's blessings
His sacred grace.
Yet, Ulysses was
still cowering in the arm
of an old red couch
and crying out loud
It's Not My Fault!
as the Doctor scribed

Dean Walker

Details | Free verse | |

The Feast

There is a distinctive odor in the air... 
and I am making myself scarce

All are in a state of repose with anticipation, 
but mine is with distaste and finality.
Inevitably it cannot be shunned.
Oh can I withstand them? 
So far away, where the wind doesn’t blow.
Like an unfavorable perfume, the hound flees.  
He seems to be the only one who understands me.  
In total frustration we howl in unison.

Where is an end adjacent to this grievous affliction... 
The only solution to solving the problem of 
grandma’s ‘chitlin’ feasts’, seems to be disporting in the forest 
with the allegiance of my conformable friend, the hound.

Details | Burlesque | |

Dual Controls, Electric Blanket From Hell, Part 2

He was cold, and, suffering bad...
She was far too hot,
A cooling breeze...
She wished that she had...
So he turned up his temp,
And her's, she turned down,
And it's more than hard to believe,
Just how fast one can be turned,
Into a sad clown...

Further up, he turned,
His heat control number,
did he dial...
While she turned down,
On her's, praying for,
Relief, all the sweat soaked while...

But he just got colder,
While she started to roast...

But he just got colder,
While she started to roast,
It was fast becoming unbearable,
My dear aunt very near,
Turned to burnt toast...
And my favorite uncle...
Now near frozen solid...
In frozen fear he did clutch...
His oaken bed post,
Which, oddly, now seemed quite warm...
And this was, for sure, 
Never before the norm...

Now was the time,
For drastic action,
Each turned their temp dials
Up or down to the max...
Would'a been much more easy,
For each to learn, in a mere hour,
Just how to play jazz sax...

Now each was quite desperate,
And anguished beyond belief,
Burning and freezing,
There seemed no relief...
Who sold them this defective blanket?
Just who was that nasty thief??

Almost as if well practiced,
and seemingly on cue,
Each jumped out of their,
Respective  torture device,
Seemed all they could do,
Ready now to call an electrician,
Or psychic, for some sorely needed advice...

Next day, when their bedroom door,
They did finally unlock...
To finally check on inside,
Expecting some horrific shock,
Like the bed partly frozen,,
And part melted away...
Knowing that, if such should be,
They would have not a clue,
On just what to say...

The electrician soon did come than...
A $160 call...
For a 2 minute peek...
And even that was half stall...
One thing you could count true,
He was pissing off us all...

He explained to them...
The problem, he did diagnose,
It wasn't evil spirits...
It was not a ghost...

See each had,
their wires crossed,
The dual control temp dials,
Oh, brother!!!
And they had only controlled...
The temperature of the other!!......."

Details | Limerick | |

Sleeping With A Poet

My lover’s a poet in her own way
And she’s writing her poetry by day
Thou, she’s really a delight
Yet I hardly sleep at night
‘Cos as if I ‘m sleeping near the runway

Details | I do not know? | |

IN circular round

in{-ane, -sipid, -gestible, -digestible, -satiable}
just kidding!
not !!
not, not.
who dere?
aw, go {expletive never inserted} myself.
{oh joy, almond joy, enjoy, killjoy}
go back to the start where i am

Details | Acrostic | |

Not That Smart

Only does
This get my goat; but my

Tiger, my lion, my ape, and entire jungle!
Having people use their "intelligence" to make you feel stupid.
A two-year old child's smile can solve more problems
Than one

Sentence that comes out of their
A certain desire to
Reach out and choke them into silence overwhelms me at times; but, knowing 
That not answering them can shut them up is the "smartest" thing to do.

Details | I do not know? | |


Mary had a tin of spam 
But found she’d lost the key
She sobbed her little heart out
It was needed for her tea
A meal well planned, 
The goodies bought
Young Mary shed a tear, 
Spam sandwiches
Would not be made, 
It soon became quite clear
With table laid and fayre set out
A tempting teatime spread
Alas no meat, was there today
To lay between sliced bread
The guests were due at anytime
So, thinking on her feet
She came up with a reason
For sandwiches “sans” meat
The guests arrived at four o’clock
Said Mary, feeling edgy, 
“I’m sorry there’s no meat today
I’ve just become a veggie”

©  John W Fenn  11-08-2009

Details | I do not know? | |

So easy a caveman can do it Part 3

(This is a fictional poem) makes fun of us and now ABC is making fun of us too.
They'll both soon be bankrupt because we cavemen are going to sue.
People belittle us because we're hairy and we have fleas.
They don't realize that we've made some great contributions to society.
You wouldn't have cars without us because we invented the wheel.
You'd be eating raw meat if we hadn't discovered fire to cook meals.
I'm going to get even with and ABC.
Then I'm going to kick your ___ because you laughed at me.

Details | Light Poetry | |


Me granny’s gone missing
We’ve lost the old trout
I’ve warned her so often
That when she goes out
Take a map and a compass
A whistle as well 
A torch or a trumpet
A bicycle bell
Just something that’s noisy 
To help in our quest
A bleeper a buzzer
A fluorescent vest
Oh granny where are you 
Oh where can you be
You know you’ll get mad 
If your late for your tea
We’ve all been out looking 
Both near and afar
Mum on her bike 
And me in the car
We’re all worried witless
And scratching our head
When we find the old dear
Fast asleep, in her bed

©  John W Fenn  20-09-2009

Details | Quatrain | |

Video Games

When one begins
and picks up the controller
he hopes he wins
but most become bipolar.

they think they are the best
they hope and pray,
that they are better then the rest
but most are in disarray.

they continue for hours
doing nothing but staring
but what it does is devours
while they sit there swearing.

Details | Burlesque | |

Where Am I?

Hey, I'm a NYC guy...
Where am I?
What's these tall green things all over?
How they get in the way of another begoda...
And,  this air, smells so funny,
Where's the soot, the grime,??
It's even sunny!
And where's the crime?
Haven't had a house break-in yet,
I'm starting to pine...
Where they hidin' all the buses?
The subway I can't find...
I'm startin' to think...
I'm losin' m mind..
And these huge bumps in the ground..
Are they ground mumps?
And the puddles so big...
I'm amazed what they do..
To cross those puddles,
They use a canoe!
Maybe I'm just confused,
With vision that's bad...
But this is the worst nightmare,
I've ever had...
My God, ya' gotta drive to find a MacDonald's...
And that makes me whine...
Ain't these yokels 'bout's here,
Know how to fine dine?
And the people are weird,
They must be quite sick,
They're walkin' around smiling,
Like they found a crack stick...
Think I'm gona go back home,
Where I understand things,
And I can be me.

Details | Burlesque | |

A Pair of Friggen' Flip Flops!

I've got these deviant flip flops
Cheaply made, I will admit
But they're masters of torture
Though you may not give a sh_t

The right's thong attachment
Comes loose with every step
I've tripped so far 8 times
I've even had times I wept!

I reattach this toe stud
Every minute, or less, I'm sure
And that's if I'm not too lazy
I should do it far, far more

I,ve pondered pragmatic solution
So far evasive ,it seems, to me
Duct tape (one of God's great wonders!!), glue, nails try horseshoes?
Drivin' me crazy as you can see

So I hung them on the wall
To be my dartboard's new bullseye
And squeal with great delight
Every time that I should hit them
I guess I'm quite a sight!

So is this what my life has come to?
My footwear my arch-enemy?
I suppose, just now, I'm ready once more,
For a psychiatrist's intense therapy.

Details | Quintain (English) | |


Everything I've ever wanted
I found in you
Everything I've ever needed
You supplied
You're my sun, my moon
The  star that lights my night
You are the sweetness to sugar
The sparkle to diamonds
You are what make my world right
Your touch is like the caress of a soft summer breeze
Your presence like the visitation of the almighty Himself
Your eyes, your nose, your lips , your mouth
Are all the symbols of beauty
You are all that I'll ever need
And all that I'll ever want
And if you believe that
I'll tell you another one!

Details | Ballad | |

Freddy The Fly Joins Captain Quark's Crew

Yes, the Mighty FlyShip Enter-Eyes,
It's five year mission,
To harrass picnics, kitchen trash pails,
and search for intelligent dung
in the universe.

Freddy, our famed Fly-Friend,
has joined Captain Quark,
and the other Fly-Men
To Fly Fly way above the Fly Sky,
In search of the aforementioned crap.
But Captain Quark used all his wits,
To keep them out of a Klingon trap.

See, Cause Klingons got their names,
From a fly trap incident in their fly games.
They coated a juicy looking planet of
With see through fly-paper from their sun
And when a Fly Ship did try to land
They found they had to "kling-On"
to the fly-paper strand.
Never to be free
For other Fly-Worlds to see.

This time he Fly-Beamed
Freddy down,
That poor doomed Fly-Clown.
They saw Freddy never-more.
"Stuck-up", he was for sure!!

Details | Burlesque | |

Blue Plate Special

Wow!!  Mark-down in aisle 8.
Gotta run, I can't wait!!
Fight my way through 
the surging crowd,
Elbowing others is allowed...

Gotta save that 50 cents!
Sure do make a lot'a sense..
Broken rib, small price to pay,
Just think how  I saved today!!!

There's a pile-up of people,
A football player'd be proud,
Lots'a screaming,
They're awfully loud...

I see a manager smile with glee,
Hopin' the same would happen to me...
Retail's low pay and hours long,
But it's moments like this,
That make his heart full of song...

He can incite a riot, and 
crimes so foul,
Make people do things,
they'll even howl...

So, save your bucks,
Wait till there's no sale
And buy what you wish
Cause so nasty is the
world of retail

Details | Free verse | |

Close Call

Cop a feel
Cop a lie

                       She's fourteen; Pop's a cop
                        What to do?

Cop an alibi!

Details | Burlesque | |

Idiot Lights

The trouble with idiot lights,
You see, it’s a problem
That goes, perhaps,
Farther than me.

There's abundant ignorance
That floats in the bog
In a kingdom where machines
Can measure breath’s grog.

More than vast numbers
Aggregating in crime,
There's a feeling that
What is happening.
Somehow, isn't mine.

Big obvious red light, birthed
a message, idiot message on the dash.
Just the observation
Almost made me crash.

The warning, foreboding,
Read simply "check gauges.”
So sitting at the light,
I scanned all the stages
With the sets of information
A car shares on its pages.
I sit, quietly confused,
But the intersection’s raging. 

The gas tank wasn't empty,
The oil read fine,
The engine not hot,
Battery volts seemed in line.

Responding to the honks,
I mosey down the road.
The engine’s working fine,
But my head held quite a load,
Of all the problems awaiting
For the idiot who couldn't interpret
The idiot light code.

. . . No problems yet,
A small sigh escapes
But I am mentally set,
Will I fall for the bait?
I would make a sizable bet
That I am sitting
On some universal debt.

Then as I was using
My copier that night,
Beeping techno-barking message,
Really set me to a fright.
A word chain shackled,
Scrolling a last request
"Printer ink low."
Sounds like an open book test.

Try as I might
Following precious words in sight,
Then a new unique message:
"Insert cartridge right."
Just follow instructions?
I’m ready for a fight.

I opened HP's lid
To see what was the matter,
Then came a horrible clacking,
Hardware techno choir prater.

I shut the lid, and said a quick prayer,
Hoping God could save me from taking a dare,
And shooting the damn contraption
Right then and there.

With a web site visit, and many more clicks,
I found a FAQ answer.
My problem would be fixed.
There within the info sheet
Set my big break:
“Think about it, Dummy,
Did you remove the pink tape?”

So now, I sit here, contemplating,
Perhaps, I should consider
Getting out more, and dating.

The odds are better
. . . with two idiots instead of one.

Details | Free verse | |


“Wait! Wait!! Wait now Driver !!!
Your passengers still dey down
Which kain Driver be dis sef?
Those ladies never enter abi?”
Passengers stood up echoing angrily
Some hitting hard at the snail-like Marcoppolo
Alas! The man behind the wheel paused.

The left passengers rushed in 
All ranging with anger
Alhaja’s fury got to the crescendo
She was fell twice before hooking up
To the cat-walking moving house.

Pacing up and down inside it
The man still raining abuses on all we 
And the one who conducts him joined   
The Alhajas, they harassed to our chagrin.
Unto the ears of the Boss of the Man
Behind the wheel she beckons
“ He must pay dearly for this”
She echoes, trying not to sob.

At the very park of the vehicle in Zaria
The Alhajis . . . we and others complained
That a slow mad man was wheeling our lives
We want him no more to wheel our lives 
There comes the change of the Driver
As we all laughed and giggled to Kaduna.

Alayande Stephen. T
21st of July, 2006

Details | Couplet | |

Summer Fun

Sweat pants and wool socks
a hand-knitted scarf or two
warm mittens and hats
no doubt you think I’m nuts

Rosy cheeks and runny nose
soggy boots and frozen toes
chattering teeth and quivering knees
when I dream, it is of these

Down jackets now long packed away
skis and poles just taking up space
in my crowded messy garage
snow covered runs - just a mirage

Sun screen and flip flops
sunglasses and sticky pits
baseball caps and Thanksgiving in shorts
I despair of weather reports

How did I get to this eternal hell?
where A/C costs you a paycheck as well
where tender skin exposed continues to burn . . .
I just know somewhere I missed a turn.

Details | Narrative | |

Goddamn Cat

Goddamn Cat
Fuzzy and fat
You stalk the night
And my feet
Now fleshy shredded wheat
Was it love you were after

Goddamn Cat
Orange and black
You crap in a box
Litter on my socks
Do I hear kitty laughter

Goddamn Cat
My wife’s cuddly gem
You piss the bed
Sleep on my head
Why am I on the sofa

Goddamn Cat
Evil’s feline friend
You bite my hand
Howl to no end
I know you have no father

Goddamn Cat
You chinchilla rat
You plot my death
Steal my breath
May I adjust your collar

Goddamn Cat
In my favorite hat
Shedding on my clothes
Only heaven really knows
Who said happily ever after

Goddamn Cat!

Details | Blank verse | |

The disaster

Now this is a story, completely true,  
I hope the same never happens to you,  
It about a girl I thought was cool,  
But I did something that made me look the fool  

I walked by the shop and saw the ad,  
And thought “a paper round wouldn’t be so bad!”  
I went in the shop and applied for the job,  
I wanted to stop being a worthless slob!  

I was soon working, it wasn’t great,  
Pouring rain, heavy bags – ALWAYS late,  
I got in the shop and was covered in mud,  
But the round had just gotten good!  

There was a girl packing her round,  
I grinned, walked over and muttered “sound”  
She was pretty, and had dark hair,  
But she wouldn’t like’s so unfair,  

I invested in a pair of roller skates,  
To decrease my high number of lates,  
It worked quite well; I was always on time,  
But my skating skills weren’t exactly sublime,  

Then came that day, in pouring rain,  
I had finished my round once again,  
I was on Kings Lane, when I slipped and fell,  
I rolled over twice, and mumbled “oh, well!”  

I stood up and saw the girl,  
I was so embarrassed, I wanted to hurl!  
She asked me if I was OK,  
This had ruined what was otherwise quite a good day

Details | Senryu | |

' What Is Your Problem ?' 16th Senryu

‘ What Is Your Problem ? ’   16th Senryu

         What is Your Problem ?
 To Solve Them… Now, Get A Clue ! …
     … Your Problem … Is You !

Details | Verse | |

Can't Stand It Anymore

Can’t Stand It Anymore

Something’s wrong
Oh, it’s you…

I dislike your choices of what to wear today
I am put off by that complexion
I cannot stand that way you stand
With that superior air about you
I really can’t accept that way you giggle like it was a joke

I strongly dislike your straight A average
I really loathe your humor
I cannot stand your bubbly aura
I just can’t deal with your perfume
I absolutely abhor your choices
Of what you wish to pursue

I cannot stand your tediousness
I really hate your smile
I absolutely loathe your eyes
As equally as I hate your friendly persona
I just can’t look at that stupidly perfect little face
I can’t live with your little moans and groans
And especially not that annoying wailing you make called crying

I hate the fact that you’re constantly involved
I hate that little noise you make when bored
I hate your blatant honesty
I can’t stand the way you speak in riddles
I hate how you look at me most of all
Because of how you look at him

Details | I do not know? | |

Ugly Betty Just Isn't Me

I’m sick of being an Ugly Betty wanna be.
I have better inside of me.
To hell with all that being pretty inside.
I think the outside should matter.

All these magazines tell me who to be.
They tell me how act and who to like.
Always talkin’ about the newest thing.
To hell with them and what they think. 

I am me and they can’t change that.
They want my body, 
And they want my soul.
All they’ll ever get is my dough,

The plus size is the new in,
It seems a sin to be thin.
One thing these models don’t know,
It’s not worth the dough.

All these shows tell me what to do.
They tell me how to act and what to like.
Always talkin’ about the newest thing.
To hell with them and what they think.

I am me and they can’t change that.
They want my body,
And they want my soul.
All they’ll ever get is my dough.

No need to be a Barbie doll,
Or anybody else.
Be your own true self
Don’t sit on anybody’s shelf.

Details | I do not know? | |

The Officer and the Poet

A man in a comical hat,
Who was simply very fat,
Came riding on a one legged fool.

As I attempted to pass,
He stopped and politely asked,
Had I committed a rhyme?

"Of course." I then said,
And the fool shook his head.
"I am a poet and rhymes are my tool."

"Then," he replied, "you are under arrest.
To go quietly would be best,
For in this land that is a grievous crime."

"Then surely," I exclaimed, " you are guilty too,
Just by rhyming as you do,
So you might as well arrest yourself!"

"But I am an officer of the law,"
He said with a grand guffaw,
"Therefore, myself from the law exempt!"

Details | Limerick | |

' The Domino Effect ' (Limerick # 2)

‘ The Domino Effect ’

There Was A Young Woman, Named Domino
Who Talked … about Anyone and So and So
    Well… She was quite Shocked to Find
             All Her Victims in a Line
Ready to Fall on Her… Just Like - G e r o n i m o !

Details | Burlesque | |

Tom's Taxi Terror

True tale, true tale
I called for a cab,
To take me somewhere,
Don't remember where,
And I don't even care...

Taxi pulls up,
I jump in,
"Take me to Poughkeepsie!"
A place I've often been..

But something was odd,
And I became alarmed,
The Cab driver had a portable DVD player,
And of some movie he was charmed...

Now I don't know about you,
But I know about me,
Someone driving me around,
No movie should he then see...

I commented, "Wuz up?"
He said, "Oh, don't worry at all!"
I've seen this damn movie,
12 times just this fall!"

This didn't sooth my nerves,
But just made them worse,
For a movie he's bored of,
My next ride a hearse...

I sat and prayed,
The movie would soon end,
Before I would surely lose,
And find myself
Where angels
For me, would soon descend.

And worst of all,
It was an action DVD flick,
No commercials to give him,
A chance to look up,
If but quick...

Ride's end, 
I crawled out,
And kissed the ground,
Like Pope John Paul,
For I had found,
I'd escaped, somehow,
From a Hollywood death,
And it took me all the rest of the day,
To catch my long lost breath.

Details | Senryu | |


love has taken all

you lose all that you have gained

food is your best friend

Details | Free verse | |

Halloween Party?

I don't know where we all live, but if concievable, how about a Hallowen dress up
Party?  Kids, spouses, maybe s even music.  Maybe a prize for best constume. 
And some of my "schtick!"  Let me know

Details | Rhyme | |


Every time I see Billy Mays
My brain goes into a dark, dark haze.
I dream of ways to "dispatch him",
Chances of me meeting  this jerk
So nigh impossible, yet they lurk
Inside my usually useless mind
This would be my one chance
To make a life worth the work,

Like using "super-putty"
To cling 4 pounds of C-4
On his back
And watch him soar
Into the stratosphere,
To annoy us no more...

Or stick "Hercule's Hooks"
in his thighs,
And throw sharp darts,
At his eyes

Or make him drink
A cocktail made with "Kaboom"
And watch him, chuckling,
While in the room he did zoom

Or dunk him in his miracle tarnish remover,
See if he reactes all the sooner
As layers of Bullsh_t are stripped away,
I wonder , then, what he'd have to say!

He screams at me, late at night,
To buy his crap, 'cause it is just right
To solve problems I don't have
And just pay "Shipping ans Handling"
And he'll double my salve

Where has dignity gone?
Surely Billy Mays does not host
As a tour-guide on either coast
And if aliens did abduct him.
Who could blame them 
for doing us in?

Details | Dramatic monologue | |


Batch of wet leaves,
We didn't catch,
Went flying through
the air, our foolish snatch
Landed on our butts,
Giggled as we cried
Seemed so God damn simple,
Now with such sore thighs
Jarred my oral pain as well,
Damn, ain't thing going oh, so swell?
My Lamborghini smashed my Porsch,
My new house did burn down,
I tried to cry out in sadness,
But could not make a sound.
My wife ran away with my secret boyfriend,
Didn't seem to matter to him,
That it was my wife,
Or for she, that she stole him
I had a whim to burn down the house
With me inside, like a useless mouse.

I lit the fire, and enjoyed the light
Until the flames obscured my sight.
Hot it got, and charred was I.
Within five hours,
I would die.

Details | Free verse | |

The Good Hedonist

The good hedonist says, “I don’t mind
holding your hand through this crisis,
or playing some other part.”  He can
lay awake all night watching over her,
or make love like a lover, only, finally
he will leave in the morning
like a vacume cleaner repair man
going back to the shop.

Never call him on the off day,
he won’t answer or if he does
he’ll be nonchalant, a time
for everything and everything
in it’s time.  The good hedonist
is a wonderful lover but hard
to find on other occasions.
He says, "never mind."

Details | Tanka | |


It is where you shop

everything is up for grabs

time everlasting

low prices are the key there

Sam knew what we all wanted

Details | I do not know? | |

Julie's Candy Store

for all you musicians out there- this is a standard blues progression in the key of 

"well, I've had my days....
and I've had my nights.....
yeah, I've had my lays....
and I've had my fights..
but I carry on...
hopin' some day
 to see the lights...

I've suffered some,
in my married life,
I suffered most,
at the hands of my wife...

cause she treats me bad,
and I'm meek, like Barney Pheiff...

well, I've had my fun,
ain't gona have none no more,
yeah, I've had my fun....
but now I'm shook to the core...
cause she kicked me out,
don't live there anymore....

yeah, she kicked me out,
cause she said I snore...
I'll never understand...
that woman I so adore....

well I got a room,
one I was lookin' for,
but its got its problems
problems that I can't ignore....

see, I got a place...
just over Julie's Candy Store...
cheap enough, as it had to be,
ain't got much money anymore...
but I got a problem...
all because of that cheatin' whore....


yeah, it ain't no fun...
livin' on top of Julie's Candy Store,
no it ain't no fun'
of this I can assure,
I get so embarrassed,
ain't got no bathroom door....."

by bill and tom bell

Details | Free verse | |

Trouble By kimmy holmes,{ my daughter)

I've stayed away from trouble
Straightened up my life
I pay the rent
when rent come due
I gotta a day job
I'm goin to school
I give up the whiskey
the late nights out
I got  myself a savings account
But here comes TROUBLE
Ridin up on his 4X4
He scuffs them dusty cowboy boots
across my polished floors
Here come TROUBLE
he's just in time
I've been so good
Nearly lost my mind
If I could just get into TROUBLE
I'd be fine
Mama, you're gonna be so disappointed
when you hear I've turned a fool
But this get tin up early
Five days a week ain't cool
Ima gonna pop the tab on this cold Coors Lite
Go lookin for trouble
Maybe a fight
If Iand in jail
I've done it right

Details | Bio | |

How To Pay Your Bills (Part One)

This was a method employed,
By my last ex-wife,
Who enjoyed 16 years of 
torturing me,
The bane of my life...

See she sat and slept in
her recliner,
The power seat of the house,
And treated me,
Like an annoying mouse...
I was too dumd to take,
Care of a bill,
My mental capacity,
Seemingly nil...
Each day I'd hand her majesty
That days' mail,
Nothing but bills,
For the coffin a nail....
As I worked 6 days a week,
Most 11 hours long,
I grew quite meek...
Her system consisted,
Of tossing the bills in a pile,
Next to her chair,
Let them sit for awhile...
Till afer 'bout six weeks,
The pile reached her armchair height,
Annoyed her TV vision,
Obscuring her sight..
Now I knew, 
when she started to pay...
That legion of bills...
On that fateful day....
I'd better be,
At least a hundred miles away...
She would grow ever more disturbed,
And violent at me,
I didn't make enough,
For her tennis lessons,
You see.....
New car, clothes by the score,
She wanted no pressure,
And she wanted more...
I'd go to work,
With 30 cents,
No coffee could buy...
I was just too dense...
Worthless and shifty,
Each 60 hour week,
And pitiful, and weak,
And far too disdainful,
The mouse was too meek...

For three days I'd suffer the storm....
Wishing I was elsewhere,
Especially in a coed dorm....
'Cause I'd have non of "that",
If you know what I mean...
Sometimes lasted for months,
Despite pleading tears...

Now-adays, I live up "On Cripple Creek"
No longer matters if 
I'm feeling strong or quite weak,
Cause as the song says;
"Up on Cripple Creek,
If I spring a leak,
She mends me...
I don't have to speak,
She defends me...
A drunkard's dream...
If I ever did see one!"
This would be my friend Rosie,
Who pays all my bills,
Takes care of stuff,
Cures all of my ills...
And, should someone,
Be so damn foolish,
As to antagonize me,
I merely tell her,
And soon enough they would wish,
Someone else's hot anger,
Had they sampled in their dish,
Wishing to dear God,
They'd never heard of my name...
And suddenly they'd have realized,
They ought not have tried to play that game...
My biggest nightmare,
In the whole world, I do think,
Would be to piss her off,
That really would stink...

Details | Limerick | |

Speakin' In Spokane

I ain't got nutt'en to say,
I be shy, an scared anyway,
To public speak,
My mind too weak,
I'll only go on if you pay...

Details | I do not know? | |

Elmer Fudd shot me

(This is a fictional poem)

I decided to sleep with a woman who I met on a bus.
Her husband shot me because he caught us.
When I got shot, the bed was covered with blood.
I looked to see who shot me and it was Elmer Fudd.
I begged him for mercy but he said no.
I have no privates because he shot me below.
Obviously rabbits aren't the only things he shoots.
I got a good lawyer and I bankrupted him in a lawsuit.
Today Fudd told me that I'm pathetic and that he's appalled.
I told him that I might be pathetic but at least I'm not poor and bald.

Details | Rhyme | |


Little ego contains vain pride
a sweet emotion that he tries to hide
he thinks to be a poet great
but no reaction to his written trait
it is softly falling to a soft ground
Fantasy is over but Reality can be found
sweating across his flabby chest
advancing age is getting the best
As for my poem scheme
it isn't as much as it may seem
Besse likes to flaunt the style
she is beating me by a mile
Tender years begin to age
why fight it when i'm no longer center stage?
the bells of youth ring no more


Details | Free verse | |


Of many are poets in soup
gagged with the air we breathe
suffocated by the strings of hawks
perked by the long neck of an ostrich.

Drown in the murky water of obsequiousness
tied to the apron strings of what to chomp
turned juggler for survival instinct
danced to the tune of he that plays the piper.

Others' soup plunged them into soup
tongue-lashing the untouched of the land
louding the truth above the speaker of life
paying for the conviction in-built

But the poet is already in the pot
struggling to un-pot himself
fromthe fangs and thorns of the land
how long will he be potted still in the pot?

Details | I do not know? | |

My dentist's revenge

(This is a fictional poem)

The dentist worked on my teeth without any novocaine.
I screamed and screamed because of the pain.
I've been doing something bad because I'm a louse.
My dentist found out that I'm sleeping with his spouse.
She's very sexy and impossible to resist.
I think it's time for me to find a new dentist.

Details | Bio | |

Uncle Cleo

His real name was Cliff...
But we called him
Cleo Van Hoppenburg,
Better known as "Uncle Cleo",
To all who did love him...
Though not quite normal of mind,
He was the center of attention,
You probably know the kind...

Favorite phrases...
"Ho, ho, ho!!!"
"Dommy (me..his nearest version to Tommy)....
Doozie Botts!!!.....
Oh, he put on a show!
An easy target to fool with,
Specially for me and my cuz...
For the weird things he said,
And the weirder things that
he does...

He'd call up on the phone,
Talk endlessly on...
I'd set down the phone...
Go away for awhile,
Watch some TV, have a beer,
Come back, he's clueless,
Still chewing my ear...

One day he came to the door,
Stuck his hand out to greet,
Never expecting, I'm sure....
I grasped his friendly hand,
And a Ju-Jitsu throw he did meet...
Flew across the room,
Hit the far wall well spread eagle...
Laughing, though in pain....
I doubt my act was quite legal...

He loved to be with
me and friends...
He was always of alcohol, abuzz,
An open target for torture,
For me and my cuz,
That's just the way that it was...
We'd entice him to sing,
He eagerly agreed
We taped him singing
"Silent Night",
While on our instruments,
We played blues...
It was, I guess,
a shameful bad tease,
But from laughter so hard,
I just had to sneeze...
Soon bent over so painful,
I dropped to my knees...

Recorded his insanity,
For all to enjoy....
For many years after,
That tape we did deploy...

His weakness for boose,
Especially a bottle of wine...
He'd down it cross-eyed,
Till he did pass out,
which he did just fine...

He'd fall to the floor,
Dressed in Nazi helmet,
American flag t-shirt,
Didn't matter to him,
If it was caked in deep dirt...
Yet him we would ignore...
And took Polaroids to capture,
For the future to see...
Just  what and how,
My world could be...

And when the monthly 
check day, it did come....
He'd restart his cycle,
Quite startling some,
And he was money wise,
That is quite true,
The rounds of Jamaica bars,
he'd make,
And bar business, it grew...

He'd take a bus,
To our house, and
from the bus stop,
Some pedestrian would
tell us,
He was drunk as a sop...

I'd have to go,
'Round the corner,
To carry him home,
Not an easy task,
I assure you,
Getting him, 'ol chrome dome
Back to the homestead,
Where with his great gaul,
He find himself in the yard,
And there he did fall...


Details | I do not know? | |

weeks dispare

On Monday I am overloaded with homework and stress
I couldn’t find my assignment, my day was a mess
Tuesday was fun but in class I fell asleep
And once I got home the silence I couldn’t keep
Wednesday was a boring, sort of gloomy day
Only the wind and the rain bothered to say hey
Thursday the walls decided to speak to me
Yeah I was that sick I just needed to leave
Friday was a relief cause the weekend had arrived
My joy, hope and happiness I could no longer hide
Saturday brought freedom yet none of my friends called
Maybe they were attacked or maybe just mauled
Sunday rolls around and schools about to begin
And I remember where that assignment was that I needed to turn in

Details | I do not know? | |

Those rotten bees!

(This is a fictional poem)

I eat flapjacks every morning and I like them with honey.
But I'm really cheap and I don't like to spend money.
I wanted free honey so I bought a beehive.
One hundred bees stung me at once and I'm lucky to be alive.
A few of the bees stung me in my ears.
You'll have to talk louder because it's hard for me to hear.
Ten bees flew up my pants legs and stung my penis.
They had me hopping all around, you should've seen us.
When I got out of the hospital, I decided to set fire to my bees.
But some of them escaped and they stung the hell out of me.
Take it from me, it's awful to get stung.
One of the bees flew in my mouth and attacked my tongue.
Now I have problems hearing and speaking.
I learned the hard way that I shouldn't have taken up beekeeping.

Details | Lyric | |

I Hope It Rains...

I Hope it Rains…
I Hope it Thunders with Lightning
I Hope The Wind Kicks-Up, ‘til its Frightening
I Hope There’s a Hurricane Sighting…

‘Cause, that’s How I Feel, Right Now
‘Cause You’re Leaving Me Anyhow
After All the Love I Gave to You…
… Now, I can’t even Talk to You
… I Hope It Rains…

I Hope it Snows…
I Hope an Ice-Berg - Breaks Your Back at the Door
I Hope a Blizzard - Buries You… Ice-Age-Slow
I Hope an Avalanche ‘Catch ya’, as You Go…

‘Cause, that’s How I Feel, Right Now
‘Cause You’re Leaving Me Anyhow
After All The Love I Gave to You…
Now, I can’t even Reason with You
… I Hope It Snows…

… This is The Fury, of a Woman Scorned
… if I had my way… You’d Never Been Born !
… I Hope It Storms…

I Hope it Hails…
I Hope it Hits You in the Head and Beats You Down
I Hope it Crushes Your Heart and Dreams – All Around !
I Hope it Knocks Your Suitcase and Soul, to the Ground
… Honey … I Hope You Never Make it to Town…

‘Cause that’s How I Feel, Right Now
‘Cause You’re Leaving Me Anyhow
After All The Love I Gave to You…
Now, I can’t even Hold Onto You
… Look – Here Comes The Rain
… Here Comes The Rain…

I Hope The Clouds – Start Fighting
I Hope the Air – Starts Biting
I Hope You’re in a Tornado and It Starts Tightening
… I Hope it Floods Out There – ‘til You Look Like A Viking !
… Here Comes The Rain … Here Comes The Rain

Details | Free verse | |


Revelation crept in slowly
Followed by agitation strongly
Adapted into confusion truly
But with no execution cheaply

Alhaja dusted the air loudly
An Alhaji committed on her lap touchery
With no sense of remorse mildly
For the Aboki confessed openly 
The passengers court drilled him thoroughly
An attaché got attached to a lap proudly.

More dust were thrown up funnily
As I became an accused unknowingly 
Minds became agitated seriously
As we all laugh over it unconsciously.

Alayande Stephen. T
21st of July, 2006

Details | I do not know? | |

Cat the Bounty Hunter

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm a bounty hunter and my name is Cat.
But people don't give a man respect with a name like that.
I called myself Dog at first but I didn't realize that name was stolen.
The real Dog beat me senseless and my face is still swollen.
Bailjumpers always kick my butt when I try to bring them in.
I made a pass at Dog's wife and he beat the hell out of me again.
When I tried to bring a man in yesterday, he hit me in the balls with a bat.
He hit them so hard that he mashed them flat.
They look like two tiny pancakes and they're bruised.
Being a bounty hunter wasn't a good career for me to choose.

Details | I do not know? | |


(This is a fictional poem)

When I went to the dentist, I was not thrilled.
It scared me to death when he used his drill.
He went in my mouth and started drilling.
He forgot to use novocain so you can imagine the pain I was feeling.
I asked him to stop but he said no.
I pushed him with my foot and he went out the window.
He didn't hit the ground, he landed in some trash.
Maybe what I did was a little rash.
After getting out of the dumpster, he came back to his office and yelled.
His employees ran out because he smelled.
He popped me in my mouth with his fist.
He told me to get myself another dentist.
When I went to a new dentist, I got in a real mess.
As I came to, he was getting dressed.
The same thing happened to me that happened to Seinfeld.
You should've heard how much I cussed and yelled.
I took the dentist to court and I learned that he did the same thing to the judge 
and to my attorney too.
The three of us took him outside and beat him black and blue.
It sure was fun to get revenge.
After that, he never practiced dentistry again.

Details | Bio | |

Middle-Aged Poet's Lament

I am old and unfulfilled
I sit upon a lonely hill
No dreams to dream
No plans to scheme
I feel as though I want to scream.

When I was young
And had the time
I could not rhyme for one thin dime.

But now I'm old and time is short
And I could do with some support.

Or at least some understanding.

Details | Burlesque | |

Don't Wake Me Up Till The Day's Over!

Don't get me up tomorrow,
Don't bother to set an alarm,
These days of boredom and suffering,
Have lost all of their charm.

Details | Quatrain | |


It is not just a game
you don't play it for fun
it consumes all even your name
but don't be fooled this is no pun.

you sit there shooting
they try and shoot back
you continue your alluding
they die and then hit the sack.

you sit there in contempt
talking trash to all that was matched
thinking your that time was well spent
then all you see is yourself  unattached.

Details | Rhyme | |

Last Night

 Last night I forgot to love you, and you weren't 
 in my dreams
 I didn't feel your arms around me, as funny as
 it seems
 Last night I forgot to miss you, and my heart 
 felt just fine
 I didn't want to hear your voice, since you are 
 no longer mine
 Last night I forgot your smile, and the funny things
 you used to do
 I didn't have to pretend to be happy, since I know
 longer love you
 Last night I forgot how good it felt just to have 
 you there 
 I didn't have to think of the times I knew you'd 
 always care
 Last night I forgot you had my heart at one time,
 even if no one ever knew
 I didn't want to believe I could hurt, since there is 
 no me and you 
 Because I didn't want to remember you told me we should 
 just be friends 
 I didn't act like pain absorbed me, though I wonder 
 if my heart will ever mend

Details | I do not know? | |

Fireworks mishaps

(This is a fictional poem)

On July the 4th I decided to light a firecracker with my cigarette.
It was something I soon lived to regret.
I accidentally threw my cigarette to the ground and put the firecracker in my mouth.
It exploded and all of my teeth came flying out.
After lighting a roman candle, the contents came down and burned off my hair.
Now my head is bald and scorched and everybody stares.
A bottle rocket flew up my shorts and blew off one of my nads.
Now I walk with a cane and I sure am mad.
I'm bald, sterile and I can no longer taste.
I'm not the man I used to be. What a waste.

Details | I do not know? | |

My peter was burned by a heater

(This is a fictional poem)

I was naked and I bumped into my heater.
It put a second degree burn on my peter.
I couldn't have sex for over a month so my wife walked out the door.
When I peed, it hurt like hell because my wiener was so sore.

Details | I do not know? | |

My Cat's Evil Mind

What is it with my cat?
She walks around
Tail in the air
She is so proud
I know that she thinks
She has a mind
Planning and scheming
How can she bug me today?
What can she do today?
“Is that book ready to be knocked to the floor?”
“Should I knock over that hot cup of coffee?”
“That should wake him from his nap.”
I know that she plans against me
Even her “meow” tells me to beware
I look at her eyes
Black with just a touch of gold
They hide evil
They show how much I should fear.
She is not my pet
She never has been
I am her prisoner and she knows what she can do
She knows how to keep control
She knows that I am her pet

Details | Ballade | |

House Of The Rising Bun

"There is a house in New Orleans,
They call it "Cafe One"
And it's been the home of
Many a cinnabun,
And God knows I don't want another one,

My father was a baker,
Baked many a blueberry pie,
My mother was a coffee freak,
And I know not why....

Now the only thing a baker needs,
Is an apron, an oven, and a paste gun,
To spend his time in the kitchen heat,
I know it can't be fun

He's got one spatula in the dough bowl,
And an oven mitt on the other one,
He bakes his Pillsbury Dough Boys,
And it's hotter than the sun...

There is a cafe in New Orleans,
They call it "Cafe One",
And God knows, I'm sick as hell,
Of every Cinnabun,
I think I ate a ton."

With apologies to Eric Burdon and the Animals.

Details | I do not know? | |

I'm an adult

i want to be in the dark
clearly my thoughts and words have no bearing
so why should i say a 
word to you 
a word of wisdom from me you seek 
an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy I just received
"I'D like to thank God for blessing me with a...brain!"
you actually believe i can think....
are you sure?
will it change the image...
do you hear an actual adult
5'11"...and still a child....

Details | Ballad | |

This Week's Fairy Tale

"Rude-Pun-Zel, Rude-Pun-Zel, Let Down Your Glass Eye!"

Rude-Pun-Zel had always been rude,
Sometimes boarderline crude,
But her own blue eyes she prized,
And she told no lies,
When she declared she was the
fairest of maids,
To sour some people '
like unsweetened lemonaids

One day she was too rude,
To a Sociopath Druid,
And in vengence, he
plucked out one eye...
Well she did not then die,
But, oh, oh, oh my, my, my...
She did long cry...
But at only 50% capacity,
Cause she had only one eye,
You see?

Well her Sorceror dad,
His temper was bad,
And this made him real mad
So he fitted her with, 
her one glass eye...
But he was color-blind
And didn't know what kind,
So he got one very brown,
Figuring if off, she would not mind...

Well Rue-Pun-Zel did
keep it anyway,
And everyday she'd
tie it in,
With a long eye-lash,
Of which she kept
a hefty stash

But now banished to
a tall tower blue,
She wanted for someone to her, save,
One day he came,
A plodding young knave,
Not too bright,
And not too brave,
He'd heard the tale,
Then one night,
after too much ale,
Seeked her out, from
the base of her tower...

Let down your glass eye,
I'll climb your lashes,
So no more will you cry!!
I'll even take you, 
to the local fish fry!!

Sadly, as poor
Rude-Pun-Zel attempted
this feat,
Her glass eye did slip,
And shatter when it hit

Goes to show you,
Always keep an eye on an eye!!


Details | Burlesque | |

My Phaser Is Unphased

Captain Quark to Mr. Sprock;
Ground control to Major Tom,
Your phaser is unphased,
Now if that doesn't phase you,
I'd be quite amazed.

You can't stun with a dead gun,
You couldn't even phase,
a jar of Mayonaisse

Klingons you can't haze,
With a still-born phase,
The instruction manual says,
You'll likely be dead in 2 days.
And the Romulans, for sure,
Will be knocking on your door

So beam me up, Scotty toilet paper,
And get me a working rapier.

Details | I do not know? | |

Where's the damn mayo?!

(This is a fictional poem)

My sandwich didn't have any mayo so I sent it back.
The waitress spit on it so I gave her a smack.
They put me in jail and the prisoners raped me six times.
You'd better listen when I tell you never to commit a crime.

Details | Burlesque | |

The Strawshank Redemption

last time that I went food shopping
I saw something I'd not seen in many years
Flavor- straws for milk....
nostalgia flooded my eyes with tears

I bought the strawberry flavor,
cause that was all they had
I would'a preferred chocolate,
but nevertheless I was quite glad

when I got down to my last one,
(see I love to drink my milk)
I found somehow I'd chucked
the last one in the sink

well no 2 cent straw will I waste
not when it's strawberry I could taste
so I grabbed it for redemption,
guess I grabbed too hard
all I had in my hand,
was the mid shank somewhat marred

goes to show you impulsive acts,
can sometimes go astray
so listen to me children,
hear what I have to say

patience, patience is a virtue
this you know is true
so don't go grasping at straws!
they'll just disappoint you!!!

Details | I do not know? | |

A Drink to You

In light of good memory of how things were, a woman stands unguarded. 
Pleasantries, talents, and secretive skills.
 I offered to you a drink, allowing you in.
Thinking I had chosen carefully over 37 others.  This vexed me.
Read and reread the commentary side-by-side distant eyes and sad smile. 
Extracting honesty from typed remarks.
When our eyes met for the first time and you had a smile that broadened 
As I drew nearer through a sea of hurrying people, just knowing that it was you. 
 You felt like home, like mother's sweetened tea.
Later, a little scared to let you drink from my cup, to be your rebound.
  You did not hold back your ale, I let you lead.
That first drink of you that sip of your lips, melted the iciness of my demeanor. 
 My thirst for you consumed better judgement.  Intoxication of the moment quinched by your touch.
Offered to you my liquid that sheltered liqueur. Wine housed away deep within me.
Robust when allowed to air.  Poured out slowly not to be bruised.
Your skin, your touch like sweet cream. Pouring into me.
To you I poured back mead.  Whispering softness in dim moonlight. 
Delightful nothings in each others ears.
Trusting the sincerity of a drunken mind.  
Rapture in sleeping with you the first in a long time. 
The next morning you left the taste of vinegar in a short, curt kiss.  
So now several days pass and nothing not a hint of you anywhere.
I ask for closure you respond with the crux of the matter. 
 Hurtful this declarative statement of wanting to taste test more.
 Almost more than I can bare. Though i did not mind being the mouth wash, 
Removing the bitter taste of a day old tequila from your palate. 
 The aspirin for this hangover of past drunkenness. 
 Codependency in a relationship to this drink.  
But that was not how I advertised myself.
You did not follow directions and warning labels.
 More to the point, that was my lot in this sell in our path of life.
  How we should meet, and offer coffers to one another. 
Now I close this cask, and my cellar save what is left for another. 
For I am not a lady who can stomach cheap beer and the after taste of malted hops.

Details | Limerick | |

' Sweet, Little Man ... ' (Limerick # 3)

             ‘ Sweet, Little Man ’

There Was the Sweetest, Little Man, Named Nate
    Who was so Bald… He got a Headache
      From the Kisses, that were Planted
On His ( 2 Month-Old Head )… He Demanded …
“Why Won’t Mama, Put A Cap On My Pate ?

Details | Free verse | |

The best I can say

I have captured the best of you
and then the rest of you
in the tip
of an eye dropper.

I like that.
Easily disposable.
And not in the recycle bin.

;- )

Details | Rhyme | |

Under The Bed

Strawberries, Blueberries, Cherries

   all sorts of  berries under my bed

                  why?     why?

                  to make a pie

                  why?      why?

             'cause mommy forgot

             that I haven't been fed

        before she tucked me into bed.

Details | Couplet | |

Changing Times

The Sixties are over 
the 90's are here 
Let's head out for an ice cold beer

The 90's are over
It's 2007
Listen once more to 
"Go to Heaven"

Details | Burlesque | |

Flush, Don't Blush!!

I realize you were in a hurry,
to get into the john,
But sometimes one in a hurry,
forgets how fast
 these things can come on,
They say time and tide,
waits for no man,
Evidently, neither does the desperate
need, for the good old "can"!
So, don't wallow in red embarrassment,
looking guilty and so sick,
Just get a damn mop, and 
clean it up real quick!!

Details | Burlesque | |

Humpty Dumpty

All the King's horses,
And all the Knights that he made,
Couldn't help poor king Humpty,
And his desire to get laid.

Details | Burlesque | |

Nobody Told Me!!

Yep.....No one dun told me...
About that puddle out front....
No body bothered to warn me..
The truth I'd have to hunt...
I stepped in the middle,
Expecting, of water, just a little....
Of concern, a mere piddle....
Suddenly hit by this natural riddle....
I'll pass my life being befuddled...
Even when I sleep!

Details | I do not know? | |

He grabbed her hooters

(This is a fictional poem)

I warned her not to give him a ride on the back of her scooter.
As she gave him the ride, he grabbed her hooters.
This caused her to wreck her new bike.
Her scooter got damaged and this was something she didn't like.
She grabbed a hatchet and put another crack in his butt.
Then she used her stungun to fry his nuts.
He couldn't have sex for two weeks because he had no feeling down there.
He missed the chance to sleep with a model and he's mad because he thinks it 
was unfair.

Details | ABC | |

old bones

Poetic Form: Heroic Couplets 
Printer Friendly Poem  
Old Bones  

Just throw these old bones in the backyard
I got tired of life
I've loved it hard
Don't go makin a fuss
Outta losin this old cuss
Just bury me
Like you married me
In my jeans
Take my pieces and maybe make some kind sense
Course, we'll argue about how you got it wrong


Originally submitted under my Mom's site

Details | Burlesque | |

A Poem For My Home

Dear old house,
that is no more,
I dream of you each night,
as I snore...

I miss your old 
wooden charm
Not like this plastic
tube that does me harm

It erodes my flagging spirit
and sometimes, I
think I hear it...
That comforting creak
of the old wooden stairs
of my old home that
my heart does so seek

If it's partical board
laced with formaldehyde,
and cheap plastic tubs,
that no human could fit in,
if this is something
that sounds good to you
you can buy my new trailer
and I'll go live with that
 old lady in the shoe

Details | Burlesque | |

Wicked Water

Faucet water,
At the Wappinger Falls
Natural poison,
Gets our galls,

When first here,
No one warned me,
Two months on the toilet
and I finally could see

Don't drink the water,
It's nasty stuff
They give us reports,
From chemical anaylizers
Our water is pristine they claim,
As they drink their Poland Springs

Will showering in this water,
Melt me away?
I don't know,
No one will say....

Maybe I'll melt,
Like the Witch in the
Wizard of Oz,

I don't much care,
And that's because;
I'll video tape my showers,
My melting will be on tape,
Hopefully my heirs
Will make the jury gape,
More money for my brood,
To bad too late I understood.

Details | Burlesque | |


I've arrived...
There wasn't much I could say,
Had I passed my final day?
Had I faced my final goal?
Not quite,
For for me D.O.A.
Merely means
Dumb Old Asshole.

Details | I do not know? | |

Ladies man

(This is a fictional poem)

I came home early one day and saw my wife in bed with another man.
I grabbed my shotgun and you should've saw how fast he ran.
I immediately got a divorce and married somebody new.
But I came home one day and found her in bed with that man too.
I threw him through the window and he got cut by the glass.
A big shard of it got stuck up his ass.
I married a third time and I caught her and that same man in bed.
I made my german shepherds attack him and I let my mule kick him in the head.
I reluctantly decided to marry wife number four.
But I caught her with the same man like the times I did before.
This man is someone I've always hated.
I had all I could take so I grabbed a knife and now he's been castrated.

Details | I do not know? | |

Cheap VCR

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm all alone and I feel remorse.
A cheap VCR caused me to get a divorce.
Many people say that was a silly reason for our marriage to end.
I lost the love of my life and I haven't seen her again.
Two years earlier I filmed the birth of our son.
Now I'm all alone because of what I've done.
I decided to save thirty bucks by buying a generic VCR.
She hit me so hard that I'm still seeing stars.
I never made any copies of that tape but now I wish I had.
My cheap VCR ate the tape and my wife sure was mad.
When she saw the ruined cassette, she went ape.
I tried to run but I couldn't escape.
She beat me so hard, I had never seen such abuse.
When she got a hold of me, she turned me every way but loose.
I'll give you some advice so you won't suffer my terrible fate.
When you buy a VCR, don't be a cheapskate.

Details | Ballad | |


Rocky, Rocky
Longed to be a jockey,
But poor Rocky,
Was far too stocky,

More muscles than the horse,
Eliminated him of course,

He tried to slim down,
To win the Derby Crown,
But failed at this,
And was destined to miss,
The goal he sought so bad,

He watched from Kentucky Downs,
With naught but frowns,
And angered that,
Those little clowns,

Had the job he did covet
And they did not love it,
For each of them, it seems,
Wanted to be a muscleman,
That was their fondest dreams.

Details | Free verse | |

Out of Gas

I had decided to go through with it
and this time it was serious
not just another
melodramatic episode
brought on by events
that were beyond
my control

this was the real thing
a calm calculated decision

I had taken care of outstanding debts
paid up bills, ran errands
mowed the lawn
and fixed a leaking tap

words are subject to interpretation
and could never adequately express
what I really wanted to say
so I didn't leave a note

I locked myself in the garage
stuck a length of hose up the exhaust
got in and closed the door

I sat there chocking on fumes
when suddenly the car conked out
looking at the instrumentation panel
I couldn't believe my eyes
out of all the stupid mistakes I'd made
this was surely the best
sitting there like a complete idiot
holding onto the steering wheel
would you believe
I'd ran out of gas

* penned by
Scarecrow Joe

Details | Burlesque | |

Goodnight My Friends

Another successful day gone by..
Another task mastered,
Another reason to smile
Hug your spouse
Even if he is a louse
Or, if he's really bad, chuck him "out the house"!
I only but hope you are happy,
and life is grand, 
If not, for breakfast,
feed him porridge
made of sand.

Details | Free verse | |

Humoring me part 1

Oh muffin they say
suck it up princess
not knowing I'm a drama queen
they tell me happily 
Life isnt fair

Gag me with a spoon already
look at your sense of humor i get attacked with
at dirst caked with love
and then if i protest a fetish
and not interested in having
some weirdo have his way with me
the comedians i want to see go belly up
break a leg and go on
and i pray for the curtain to fall
and the sweat beads
then pour
and the tears
of rage and anger
and confusion 
will later fall from my face 
with a sad realisation

Here it is funny man
witness your joke
I'm actually dressed up in suicide
I'm actually on antipsychotics and antidepressants that aren't working
and that ledge you think is funny for me to be on
your pushing me off of
sarcastic loud slow laugh in youre face
its not funny unless you meatphorically draw blood
and someone hysterically ends up in tyhe emergency room
its not amusing unless your better than me
even if behind close doors you admit to all sorts of insanity
and thats the sad reason I've spent thousands of salty teras with my head in my 
saying god is cruel

Details | I do not know? | |

Molested by a dolphin

(This is a fictional poem)

I warned my cousin not to swim with that dolphin.
He swam with it anyway but he won't do it again.
I told him the dolphin would molest him just like that dolphin molested Hank Hill.
When my cousin got in the water, he didn't know that the dolphin was looking for 
a thrill.
He got molested and whenever he thinks about it, he gets ill.
I knew it would happen because I watch King of the Hill.

Details | I do not know? | |

Deer hunting

(This is a fictional poem)

When my friend and I went deer hunting, I accidentally shot a doe.
If you're wondering if I got away with it, the answer is no.
It was a bad day for me to lose my glasses.
The game warden saw us and he kicked our _____.
We got the crap beat out of us even though it was two against one.
After beating us to a bloody pulp, he put a second hole in our butts with my gun.
We had to sleep on our stomachs for weeks, it was terrible to go through.
We went through all of that misery and we didn't even get some damn venison 

Details | Free verse | |

Have a Nice Day

cursing and swearing
with a mouthful of burnt toast
I put my foot to the floor
but it's no use
it's raining
both headlights are brocken
an indicators missing
and the wipers don't work

turning the key
dressed in my cleanest dirty shirt
ketchup on the sleeve
old faded green tie
and a freshly wrinkled pair of pants

I see Mr Rogers sitting on the front porch
all the buttons on his shirt are missing
exposing his fat belly and ripped shorts
he smokes a cigarette
and yells at the kids
who run about the yard screaming

I keep turning the key
but it's no use I'm late for work
I've spent five years working for the company
long hours, migraine headaches, stomach ulcers
no shift allowance or medical coverage
and now this
short-term contracts and a cut in pay

suddenly the engine starts
I back onto the street
and slowly drive away
Mr Rogers stands up scratches his crotch
then gives me the finger and yells
"Have a Nice Day"

*penned by
Scarecrow Joe

Details | I do not know? | |

Ace up my sleeve

(This is a fictional poem)

One day I was cheating at poker and I got caught.
When I saw them get the branding iron, it sure looked hot.
They branded my balls before I could leave.
I seriously regretted hiding that ace up my sleeve.

Details | Free verse | |

The Answers Still No

Let the waitress put the chair up.
And th glasses tha tyou broke.
To keep us in the moment.
Tomorrow we'll smell like smoke.
You can come around if you really want.
When your hair looks new agin.
And you're the one you love again.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Back a thome on his white bed.
Forget how hard it's been to you.
Let your face go to your head.
His blue bandana over his hair looks stupid, but I...
Yeah, it's still cool.
And I know you're the better Jedi.
Protect our secret once more. With feeling.
You said the handcuffs left you sore.
But you never got around to leaving. 
It occurrs to me that all my favorite stories have 
Really great happy endings.
Why cuts aren't healing. 
We liked this game; Muddy handprints on my jeans.
I was the one standing outside in the pouring rain--glad that you mentioned it.
Where did you put last summer? This will never be the same.
Somedays I'm just a mess. ANd I can't pick up th ephone
Can't get dressed alone.
Did you cut his hair like that?
When did you stop being so entertaining?
I still don't know the color of your ryes even though you stare.
I'm over it now.
And believe me guys, I've checked-
There's nothing under there. 

Details | Rhyme | |

A Dog's Wish

How I wish my owner wouldn’t kick me,
it’s not my fault I have to pee.

He only takes me out once a day,
otherwise in a dark room is where I stay.

He often forgets to set out food,
especially when he’s in a bad mood.

He seldom pats me on the head,
or lets me sleep in his bed.

To run and play would be great,
or at least have a mate.

Just to sniff a few trees,
and get over my plague of fleas.

I used to enjoy a special treat,
as well as walks down the street.

I admit life isn’t what it used to be,
I just wish my owner would take care of me.

Details | I do not know? | |

You weren't delivered by a stork!

(This is a fictional poem)

When you told that story at the age of five, it was cute.
But telling it at twenty-four isn't astute.
Stop telling people that you were delivered by the stork.
It's stupid and it makes you sound like a dork.

You're embarrassing yourself and you're embarrassing me too.
Stop telling that story and people might stop laughing at you.
You try my patience and it's very irritating to have you for a brother.
If you don't stop telling that story, I'll tell people that you and I don't know one 

Details | Burlesque | |

Plastic Paradise

Want it?
Charge it!!
Can't afford it?
Charge it!!
Plastic startin'
to wear a bit thin?
Charge it on another win!!
No one can stop you now...
And, look, by God, 
You have rooms filled
with stuff you can't use...
No one, of you, could they accuse,
Of being a tightwad, a spendthrift,
A miser, a horder of gold,
And, as a matter of fact,
I've been told....
You owe so much your 
bills are delivered,
In wheelbarrows,
As you quivered,
Oh, the hell with that,
Lets start our day,
With some charges
on cards, we'll find a way,
Plastic growing a bit
too thin?
People telling you what
trouble you're in?
Let's see, will we
start our days work
with visa or mastercard?
Discover, Amex,
It ain't so hard..... has
a web site just for you?
Their very best customer,
with what you do...
You live the life of
a billionaire,
As for bills, you have
no care...
Just throw them
quickly, in the trash,
Or in that huge box,
which in you stash

In case some day you need
a laugh,
Just open one, with
your accountant staff,
Not that you plan to pay
them either,
Just a chuckle as you
Upon economic collapse,
Did they really expect
me to pay them?
Those useless saps!!

Details | Burlesque | |


Thirty-four hours,
at the shore...
Thirty-four more hours...
Of skin burned raw...

Thirty-four layers
Of skin peel off,
Thirty-four square
feet, of skin to doff...

Thirty-four tubes
Of thirty-four creams
Resulted from
Thirty-four nights
Of painful screams...

Thirty-four ointments
Thirty-four pain pills,
Yet thirty-four times,
You scream out louder
Than thirty-four
Beverly Sills...

You've resolved,
you swear,
Thirty-four times,
Thirty-four times
you promise
to behave,
Even if you have
to live...
In a thirty-four foot
deep cave!

Details | Free verse | |


i find it odd i find i find i found a sign it was a bad sign-
big big & bad.
i wonder as i wonder before in wonderment wondered
do i have time for more? 
more more as everyone in history always wants & knows
they wants more.
we all always wants more.
teachers try to teach me teachings teaching seeming like
hypocrisy, accessing me to see
there's more that i could be.
which is what hurts the most you see.

Details | Rhyme | |

Your Momma

Didn’t your momma raise you better than that,
when in the house you take off your hat.

Tell me that wasn’t a smart aleck comment you said,
your momma will spank your butt red.

For you my boy I got some news,
quit that foul language that you use.

Otherwise you will have to cope,
with a mouthful of momma’s dish soap.

Starting to eat dinner before saying grace,
will definitely get you a slap in the face.

Now eat everything that is on your plate,
or something bad you can anticipate.

Your unconscious lack of respect,
big trouble you are sure to expect.

Making fun of people who are old and fat,
your momma raised you better than that.

Don’t let your friends influence how you act,
because momma will find out for a fact.

Momma wants you to become a responsible man,
and to always do the best that you can.

However if you continue to be mean,
you may never see seventeen.

As your conscience, I say stop being such a brat, 
for your momma who raised you better than that.

Details | Lyric | |

I Don't Need It!

I’m at my wit’s end
The molecular formulas
the electron configurations
are killing all sensations of living that I ever had
A seemingly unbeatable force
backed by that foe from the East
as he manipulates and propagates this vicious cycle of ill-instruction
in which he tests the knowledge of that which is never taught
I find myself caught in this trap
I’m wrestling with pages of notes
all while in desperate need of a nap
Why do I need to know how oxygen bonds to carbon
in order to diagnose an illness?
Or in order to tell if a bone is broken or not?
I don’t!
That’s just it!
All of this mindless, structural knowledge, I don’t need it!
Once I’m in the true school of higher-learning,
where I’ll get the real tools to future success
I’ll forget it all
in order to learn what I really need to know
so that I may help my fellow man

Details | I do not know? | |

Suzuki RM 250

(This is a fictional poem)

I asked a motorcycle dealer if I could have one of his Suzuki motorcycles for free.
I cried because he beat the hell out of me.
The next day I asked the dealer if I could have the Suzuki RM 250 for one dollar.
As he beat me violently, he hollered.
Two days later I offered him five bucks and he blew off my wiener with a 44.
I'm not much of a man anymore.

Details | Burlesque | |

When Things Go Wrong Part Two

"As I said, once started,
The flood impossible to stop,
Like driving in an out-of-control car,
And trying to explain that to a cop....

I spent well over an hour...
Trying to fix my computer glitch....
With a tech on the phone from
Oh, this is a b_tch!...
Try as we might,
We couldn't tame this witch...

And now I have no outgoing
phone service...
And that truely does suck...
If it weren't for the bad kind,
I'd definately have no luck...

So once again...
Nothing to do but go to sleep...
My medicine refills I need,
I can not pick up,
Makes me wanna weep....."

The "bad luck" phrase was a paraphrase of a Willie Dixon blues lyric.  Gotta give 
credit where credit's due

Details | Burlesque | |

Purdee Poofict People

youz beauties wit all dem dare wurds,
baffle me, cause mine brainz is turds
somedae I'zill grows up,
ann getz real smartz likz yu'zz,
til den, iz' carrie onz, 
feelin o, sew blew

Details | I do not know? | |

Barbwire fence

(This is a fictional poem)

Old man Smith has a sign that says not to trespass.
I crawled under his barbwire fence and it pricked my ass.
That darn fence also ripped off my pants.
My legs got covered with about two hundred ants.
They climbed up my underwear and started biting my ass.
They all ran to the ground when I passed gas.
I turned around and saw Old man Smith's bull.
I started running because I'm no fool.
The bull chased me and used its horns to tear off my underwear.
I finally got away but I was embarrassed and scared.
I needed to get home without being seen.
But an old lady fainted when she saw me.
Being seen naked was something I was trying to prevent.
When that old lady saw me, I nearly died of embarrassment.
Running from that bull was very intense.
That's the last time I'll crawl under a barbwire fence.

Details | I do not know? | |

Flat foot

(This is a fictional poem)

When you ran over my foot with your tractor-trailor,
I started cussing just like a sailor.
I cried and cried because I'm a wimp.
My foot had to be amputated and now I walk like a chimp.
People point and laugh at me and it cuts like a sword.
You mashed my foot so flat that it looked like an ironing board.

Details | Burlesque | |

Waiter!! There's Some Soup In My Fly!!!

Well, it's Freddy time again.
Went to the diner one day,
To buzz around diner tables
And he somehow flew into
a bowl of soup,
This is what the waiter said;
This poor fly, he is drowning,
A Ministroni death, it's awful,
don't you see?  The poor fly
has ingested too much soup,
His last day on earth,
this ought to be!!

At the same time, Mr. Soup-eater,
Dropped his bowl in shock...
Got soup all over his lap,
Even burnt his poor old ____

Goes to show you in two ways,
Soup in one's fly can ruin your day!!

Details | Burlesque | |

Jumpin' For Life

Jumping over many a Social Security gate,
For the mighty and generous New York State,
So by now, my knees are shot,
And their help, of course, I see not
So my dire circumstances grow hot,
Cause needed medicines I ain't got.....

I spend so many days in mindless wait,
On ever increasingly numerous a date,
In waiting rooms for hours so,
Until, at last they say, oh, a mistake, 
so you may go!.....

Exams, endless questionaires
Seem to come from their derrieres...
I shake my head in disbelief...
Guess I'll never get relief....

They insist I go to Boces,
So I can learn, there, on sight,
How to read and write...
Next day an exam
to check my ailing knees,
Next day after that,
to see if I have fleas....
I cry out, "Good God, Please!!!"
"Is this all but a mind tease???"

No, no, they then do say,
Come back tomorrow, anyway
We have to check for
dirt under fingernails,
And your ability to use handrails...

And, also, next week too,
Important we see you...
You must enroll 
to learn Hebrew,
When that's done,
Another semester on
making Irish stew...

You gotta' learn to jump
through each hoop,
To stay in the Social
Security loop,

Well, now they've
broken my last straw....
They want me to
go to Omaha....
And apply then and there...
'Cause, for me, they
don't much care!!!

Details | I do not know? | |


(This is a fictional poem)

Your girlfriend is pregnant and you believe that you're the dad.
But sex is something that you and she never had.
When I told you that she has to be cheating on me, you got pretty mad.
You believe she'd never be unfaithful and that's pretty bad.
You think a girl can get pregnant by receiving a french kiss.
You have the IQ of a dog and I don't believe this.

Details | Burlesque | |

Unrequited Glove

I love my glove,
I really do,
One thing wrong,
I have but one,
I think they usually
come in twos

Does that mean,
The one hand clapping,
Is that my fate?
Sittin' with the left glove,
Right one to wait?

Yes, it's an unrequited glove,
Deemed so from above,
One hand nice and warm
The other frostbitten and forlorn,

They say one hand washes the other,
The very thought of that makes me shudder,
I guess I'll get used to, somehow,
Posting only 50% poems from on, now,
And hopin' someone will understand,
I write with but one stinkin' hand.!

Details | Burlesque | |

Somebody Stole My Caster-Oil

Can you imagine that??
What kind of rat...??
Would steal my tonic....
Maybe they're bionic....
Cause no sane one I know,
Would want to take,
As disgusting a thing,
Unless they felt they were a king,
And needed to so torture,
Some rebellious subject,
And this was their best scorcher... 

Details | I do not know? | |

I kicked George Costanza's ___

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm a tough guy and people have nicknamed me Thumper.
George Costanza dated my sister and I kicked his ___ when he dumped her.
My sister has the habit of picking the worst men.
When I got done, they nearly had to call Costanza's next of kin.
He said he'd marry her when he got her pregnant but he turned out to be a liar.
I put a big dent in that bald head of his and he was sorry that he didn't do right by 
If you're like George Costanza, I have a message for you.
If you take advantage of my sister, I'll kick your ___ too.

Details | Burlesque | |

Cup Of Coffee

I've got the coffee,
The filters too,
A choice of sweetners,
Yes, it's true...

I've got the creamer,
I've got the cups,
One thing I'm missing,
You'll say I'm nuts,

No coffee maker,
Do I own,
I guess this life,
Of living alone,

Has brought my madness
To the fore,
And even if I went,
To the store,

I'm not too likely to purchase one now,
Seems I forgot the whys or how...
I don't much care for coffee,
Insomnia is my bain,
And even though I am insane,
Awake another six days...
Oh no!!
Over Niagra in a barrel,
I'd rather go.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Last Week

Last week on the road
I saw three dead cats
run over by cars
heads smushed flat.

Last week I went to work
with a very heavy heart
and when I went to leave,
my car wouldn't start.

Last week it rained so hard,
the rain stripped the trees,
so it was raining rain and
it was raining leaves.

Last week we set our clocks back
and I can hardly see
driving to work
and doing seventy-three.

Last week I missed the game
and the Cowboys finally won.
Thank God in Heaven that
last week is finally done.

Details | Burlesque | |

Roller Skating On The Freeway

It can be a little bit tough,
While skating in the buff,
In the fast lane of the freeway,
You know I need not say,

Especially to me,
When you need your skate key,
So I'd suggest you try first,
To use the service road,
or call a hearse,

A helmet may be wise,
Unless they hit you in your eyes

And please note the word freeways,
Is for the benefit of our left-coasters
Cause that word in N.Y. would daze

There ain't nothin' free in N.Y.,
Just ask any right coast dork.

Details | Burlesque | |

Sea Legs

Why would anyone
want to see,
these legs I have on me,
Why, look at that knobby knee,
It's a sight no sane person would crave,
I'll cover them to my grave.

Details | Rhyme | |


To the virtue of patience I must say whatever,
for it’s something I have hardly ever. 

Each day is filled to the max,
no time to sit around or be lax. 

Little chance for a break is nothing new,
since I have so much that I have to do.

I live in the fast lane while I still can,
before I turn into an old man.

There is so much I still want to endeavor,
so those who try and hinder me I say whatever.

I will accomplish my goals no matter what it takes,
or inspite of the sacrifice it makes.

The opportunity will not always be there,
and the sense of accomplishment is beyond compare.

The hard work will pay off one day,
it was well worth the effort I hope to say.

At least I am doing something,
better than sitting around doing nothing.

Although I drive fast and slow down almost never,
to those who can’t understand I say whatever.

Details | I do not know? | |

The Stubborn Pig (2005)

Too proud to ask for help
But inside he cries and asks another
Puts on a brace face and then he helps
Cries after life and runs to his younger brother
The opposite sex is his enemy and he never gives in
Instead he hurts them thinking it makes him big
Can’t get the power on his own so he tries to win
Doesn’t accept his mistakes because he is a stubborn pig

Details | Burlesque | |

Twenty Nine

Twenty-nine cavities
My dentist said,
Gleefully twenty-nine times
Twenty-nine novacaines
Fun as twenty-nine
Parking fines
Half as many root-canals
Half as many frightening dreams
Half as many muffled
Dental equiptment blocked screams

Twenty nine appointments
To dread twenty nine days
Twenty-nine times to stumble out,
In twenty-nine a dental haze

Details | I do not know? | |

Rocky VII

(This is a fictional poem)

Stallone is making another Rocky movie and it's coming out next year.
In it he fights Mike Tyson and Mike Tyson bites off his ear.
Rocky will be in a lot of pain and you'll hear him groan.
One punch from Tyson is all it will take to break Rocky's brittle bones.
This is a movie that many people will probably hate.
I'm begging Stallone not to make a Rocky VIII.

Details | I do not know? | |

Buckingham palace

(This is a fictional poem)

When I went to Buckingham palace last month, I got in a bind.
I accidentally saw the Queen naked and it caused me to go blind.
It was awful to see those sagging boobies and that wrinkled butt.
It was so disgusting that I puked out my guts.
It was disturbing to see all of that wrinkled skin.
I don't think I'll ever be invited to Buckingham palace again.

Details | Free verse | |

Tea Bag

Somebody took my teabag,
the only one I had,
Just what kind of scuzzbag,
could be that much a cad?
I only had the one, you see,
and used it 18 times
now I got the problem,
of finding something that rhymes

Oh Bag-Thief, are you from Bagdad?
is that the reason why?
You want to get even with Bushie,
and so you make me cry?

Just send me my forlorn teabag,
no questions will I ask...
It is a simple thing I seek,
I'm sure you're up to this task

and a word to my dear friends,
on my grammer, punctuation, too,
may not be up to your standards,
and from this I'll try to eschew
but remember just one thing
under the sun there's little new
it"s a take it or leave it proposition,
that's what I have to say to you!!

Details | Bio | |

You Gotta be Kidding

hold on now
tryin' to pull my leg?
try beatin' me with a pillow
until I have to beg

no way you really mean it!
it's a joke,
it is, right?
such things could
never happen
to one just overnight

I went to bed at peace
well, relatively so, I mean
I awoke to find  that somehow
the world had crapped on me
I wish I knew who to ask
why this was meant to be?

did I dream taboo dreams,
have visions
that affronted other souls?
if must be a mistake if so
I'd fear to put in my essence
something so likely to make holes

is it a mirage, a fantasy
a vapor, that's really not too real?
or is my concern unwarranted
it's not such a big darn deal?

Details | I do not know? | |

Son of a #####

(This is a fictional poem)

You used my credit cards to buy stereos, 4 wheelers, motorcycles and even a car.
I owe a ton of money because of your sorry ###, this time you've gone too far.
I told you that you could use one of my cards in an emergency but you maxed 
them all out on the internet.
When I made you eat horse manure and crammed a bird's nest up your ###, it 
was something you began to regret.
The buzzard saw her nest sticking out of your ### and she landed on your head.
I thought you'd take it like a man but you cried like a little girl instead.
That buzzard pecked out your eyes and #### in your hair.
I video taped it and showed it to your fiance who wasn't there.
When she saw it, she dumped you on the same day the two of you were going to 
get hitched.
I learned that the stuff you bought couldn't go back because you gave it away and 
I called you a son of a #####.
Your mama got mad because she heard me call you an S.O.B.
She grabbed me by the throat and beat the crap out of me.
When I pay those credit card bills and my hospital bill, I'll be a very poor man.
As soon as I get out of this hospital, I'm going to get as far away from you two as I 

Details | Verse | |

Hang It Up, It's Over

Lord this old dog is worn out and tired, 
He’s joined the group of the unwanted, the undesired,

There is nothing much left that he can do,
That’s why he’s filling so down and so blue.

He gets frustrated and mad, 
He’s confused and he’s sad,

 But there is no one to blame,
 He’s long passed his moment of fame.

But quit is not in him he doesn’t know the word, 
His life has become void, but mostly just blurred.

He’ll go till he can’t,
The reason for his rants.

It just doesn’t seem fair,
Could this be the reason he pulls out his hair   
When these days come around,
Screaming out loud without making a sound.

Another birthday coming soon,
He feels like he’s living in a Simpson Cartoon,

So far over the hill,
It doesn’t matter anymore ,so what’s the big deal.

They say when you turn twenty two your life is nearly through,
This time tomorrow he does that is what has him singing the blues.

Details | Free verse | |


when i was younger
i wanted to be cool

so i grew my hair long
wore tight jeans
and said things
like fab, hip and groovy

i had the walk
the look
the attitude
and everyone knew
i was a cool cat
a real happening dude

only the mojo wasn't working
so i never got my kicks
i crashed and burned without flying
and the legend died before it ever lived

even the chicks
didn't fall for it
they didn't dig me at all
nobody would respect the fact
that i was hip, popular, cool

exploding like a supernova
it was never meant to be
the gods above made their ruling
and the phoenix never rose again

well looking back now
i can see
i was just a goofy kid
with a goofy hair cut
dressed in goofy clothes

but hay!
at least i was cool

*penned by
Scarecrow Joe

Details | Burlesque | |

I Want One Too!!!

like a spoiled, petulant child
I'll wail whenever I want!
'cause I ain't got the stuff
so many others seem to flaunt

no Mercedes, plasma screens
big bank accounts, and more
no $2000 suits, alligator shoes,
that's one thing I never wore

so I suppose I'd be better off
if my vision was not so good
then I'd never really notice
the rich ones in my "hood"

Details | I do not know? | |

Trick or treating

(This is a fictional poem)

Years ago on Halloween I wanted to wear costumes that were scary.
But my parents always made me go as the tooth fairy.
People laughed at me all over town.
It took years for me to live it down.
It was something that I always hated.
When I was a teenager, I never dated.
When I asked girls out, they always laughed.
Now all of these people are feeling my wrath.
I make them sorry that they made fun of me.
I bought the bank and I foreclose on their property.
They say I'm mean but I say Tough.
I tell them to start packing their stuff.
People have learned that laughing at me isn't a good thing to do.
If you laugh at me, I'll foreclose on you.

Details | I do not know? | |


(This is a fictional poem)

You cussed me out and that was pretty rough.
You did it because you saw me use some snuff.
You made me eat the snuff because you're a brute.
But I got even when I puked on your Armani suit.
I get abused even though you smoke cigarettes and now it's your turn.
I'm going to stick a lit cigarette up your butt and give you a third degree burn.

Details | Free verse | |

Dance, Ballerina

A few years ago,
In the depths of 
my deepest poverty,
I felt like having a drink,
But I had no money
or car,
So now I had to think

Then I remembered
in the basement,
Where my dad had
long ago started 
to buld a bomb shelter,
I had perviously seen
some old booze
And so, now I could
even choose

So down the trap-door
I went,
For the booze I did
follow it's scent
I found it and took,
A rather odd bottle,
that stood out in my look

It was a bottle with
a ballerina inside
Gold flaked liqueur
Many years it sat, untried
So I brought it up the stair
With a reverent sort of care
You could wind it up underneath
And the ballerina would
pirouette, to music of sweet relief

Well, I tried it, and to my surprise,
it was incredibly good, and lit my eyes,
Soon enough, and it was gone,
The best tasting liqueur I'd ever tried

I kept the bottle, so pretty it was,
And vowed I'd get more
And I could use a buzz

When I finally did check
Don't ya know it, oh heck,
No one had a clue,
So I did not know what to do,

Then it came to me real fast
On the internet I'd cast
And find this mystery booze,
That I so wanted to use

It came as such a surprise,
I could bearly believe my eyes,
On good old E-Bay
This is what they did say,

Bol's Ballerina, no longer made,
And if you had a pristine bottle,
You could easily be paid,
$1000.00 dollars or more!
My heart sank through the floor!

It was the most expensive fun I had
Thanks to my now deceased sweet dad.

Details | I do not know? | |

I ate that roach

(This is a fictional poem)

Last week I tried to get out of paying for a meal.
But when it backfired, I became quite ill.
I put a dead roach in the plate right after the waiter brought the food.
It would've been better if I had put the roach in the plate when I was through.
When I realized that I ate it, I refunded my lunch.
While I was eating, I wondered what made that loud crunch.
I made a decision after I ate at that bar and grill.
I'll never again try to get out of paying for a meal.

Details | I do not know? | |

Unplug that nightlight

(This is a fictional poem)

You can't sleep in the dark because of fright.
You need the security of a nightlight.
I'm tired of putting up with it.
I'm not taking anymore bull____.
You think there are monsters under your bed.
You'd better straighten up or I'll hit you upside the head.
I can understand a child using a nightlight but you're twenty-three.
Unplug that nightlight or you'll get your ___ kicked by me.

Details | Ballade | |


Always a memorable event,
In ways quite annoying,
In others quite enticing
One where memories linger on
For years past the thawing

Entombed inside your house,
With those you love so well
An adventure in close sharing,
An adventure long to tell

I remember one blizzard,
Quite a few years ago,
My Rosie and children over
To sit out the deep falling snow

When it was brought to my attention,
That some female sanitary products they did need,
Looks like tom gets to be the knight,
Although he had no mighty steed

Now bear in mind this was
Not at all a good neighborhood,
And tom was the wrong color,
Out from others he surely stood

But sometimes tom is clever
And this was one of those days,
He'd secure the needed items,
He had his thoughtful ways

You see the toughest blacks outside
Those most likely to brave the storm,
Would hesitate to approach
Someone so totally not the norm

So I dressed up in insane regalia
So bizzare and tough, you see
Anyone out on the prowl
Would think twice before bothering me

Leather, denin cut off vest,
Hell's Angels toughest stlyes,
Sunglasses, and Nazi helmet
A bayonet dangling from my side,
I looked to be a lunatic,
And I made sure it showed in my eyes!

Well it took a long time,
But the deed was accomplished,
you can believe me,
But I'll never forget how I looked,
and that was surely the key
For sure a madman trodding,
In knee deep snow like some hairy old Yeti
And let's hope that that's the last time like that,
That I will ever see!

Details | Burlesque | |

Dialing God's Number

I'm phoning the Lord,
I hope he picks up,
I must register a complaint,
About something that ain't,
For me, no over-runneth cup,

My lawyer ran away,
With what money I had,
And I treated him so well
That weasely old cad...

Yes, turns out my lawyer was bad,
Left me here broken, crying
 hopeless, and terribly sad...

I got a busy signal,
Would expect little less,
It's true of my life, 
I've made such a mess...

Ten minutes later
 I tried once again,
And my luck held, bad
as it usually does
Bad luck, not good,
it always appears was

This time I cried,
Out loud, thoughts
turned quite obscene,
Seems I am the first one
to get God's answering

Details | I do not know? | |


(This is a fictional poem)

When I was eight, I accidentally saw my aunt naked and now I'm scarred for life.
I've never been able to make love and I'll never have a wife.
My aunt weighs 600 pounds and she has three breasts.
Just remembering those sagging hooters gets me depressed.
I've seen ten girls naked but I never got an erection.
I can't get the image of my aunt's flabby ### out of my mind so those ladies got 
nothing from me but rejections.
I know that I'll never be able to have sex and it's really scary.
It's because of my aunt's flabby body and her legs that were dirty and hairy.

Details | Free verse | |


it's difficult / yoursatisfaction / set out to succeed based on medical reaction ------
LAUGHTER IS THE CURE!! / the world --- to the god --- is but annoyance / itch /
turning the fur. _______ / your bane = my beauty. just let me remind you precisely
how skepticism is turned into / silence. / electric ---- shock _______ the earth is/
a floating rock. / tell me, mister teacher, ____________ why am i here? the devil
told me just yesterday ____________ that he got sent to haydeez cuz he didn't / 
find / god's little joke of life __________ a laughing matter. but we / nowadays /
we are MAD AS A HATTER we are OFF OUR ROCKER we are / me & you /
infinitely adventuring __ looking for Never. caught in the moment, majesty turns /
as if torn between quarreling roads & lets her weary features become blank ____
baffled. / chance? / deliberation? / she turns to the nation & smiles & throws the 
to the crowd _______ & runs for dear life. / hate ___ embodied ___ we saw it /
masquerading as everyone _______ else ___ / YOU CAN FAIL, YOU CAN 
FAIL ____________ BUT AT LEAST WE CAN SAY / WE / TRIED. the child
cried between particles of (thiswillberegressed) ________ / backwards denial /
_______ they admitted themselves to be the culprits / moments before their
planted bomb _____________________________________________ 

Details | Light Poetry | |


Oh, put me in a cocoon,
Where I can mercifully swoon,
Wrap me up in Mummy wrap,
If it means I'll get a nap
Hit me on the head,
With a pipe of lead.
My eyes are tellin' me
I'd better sleep 
If I want to see.

Details | Light Poetry | |

en espagnol, vous parley, und deutsch

say what?
this guy a nut?
dann right,
his brain took a flight,
but left him here,
for us to deal with,
dann poems,
loads a' bull
get him
on da next flight
outta here!!
I don't care
if it's on a pidgeon....
all's I wanna see,
is his butt pass'in
oer' the horizon

Details | I do not know? | |


(This is a fictional poem)

Last month I bought Garfield the cat.
Several hours later I really regretted that.
He kept eating all of my food and kicking my dog off the table.
I wanted to afford food for him but I wasn't able.

Last week I couldn't believe what I saw.
Garfield took a dump on my new couch and that was the last straw.
I put him in a box and shipped him over sea.
I feel sorry for the person who gets him in Germany.

Details | I do not know? | |

Drag racing

(This is a fictional poem)

The car I bought wasn't as fast as the previous owner said.
I'm going to kick his ___ and give him some serious wounds to his head.
I raced the car last night and I bet the pink slip.
The other guy blew me off the road, what a jip.
When he demanded my keys, he and I had some words.
I told him to go to hell and then I gave him the bird.
He has big muscles as well as a car that's fast.
When I gave him the finger, he kicked my ___.
I put bruises on his hands when he put bruises on my face.
That's the last time that I'll drag race.

Details | I do not know? | |

Nintendo Wii Part 2

(This is a fictional poem)

Those two japanese guys came to my house and asked to play my Wii.
They chose the wrong time to come visit me.
I kicked both of their _____ and I smashed the windows in their car.
By the time I got through, they had wounds that will leave scars.
After I beat them up, they ran to their car and drove away.
That's the last time they'll go to a person's house and ask to play.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Searching For My Widget

I've been looking around all day,
For my widget I'd put away,
Somehow don't remember where,
And this torment I'd like to share,

Has anyone seen my widget?
Stolen by some evil midget?
Can you hear it's timer ticking?
Or smell it's odor sickening?

Do you think it ran off on its own,
And on a widget airline flown,
To Widgetsville, USA,
To start a brand new way...

Aaww, shoot, I guess I'll
need to buy another,
And swear upon my mother,
The next widget will 
be well tied down,
So I don't have to frown..

When another widget 
escapes from me,
To bring me more

Details | I do not know? | |

Color blind

(This is a fictional poem)

I'm color blind and I get confused at traffic lights.
When I hit people's cars, I get into a lot of fights.
I thought I'd get off easy when I hit a car that belongs to a priest.
But he had his brother with him and he attacked me like a beast.
Last year a judge took away my license and he put me in jail too.
When I got out, I continued to drive because I have a very low IQ.

Details | I do not know? | |


He knows what he wants, the pressure is on.
I am uncomfortable with his aggressive ways.
"No" means nothing to him, It is just a challange.
My blood pressure is rising, Am I sweating?
How dare he use these tatics on me.
He thinks this is my first time, so he pleads and uses guilt.
I have heard his tired lines before, but this time it is much worse.
He presses and pushes.
I want him to go but he actually has something I may want.
Should I do it?
Is this right?
He tells me not to tell others.
Will I tell anyway?
Finally I ask him to leave, I ask again, Is he still here?
He will not budge.
He tries again. I erupt in anger.
I must make him go.......
He takes his leave after 3 hours.
Am I safe?
Will he return?
How I hate the High Pressure Sales Man.

Details | I do not know? | |

You raped my pig

(This is a fictional poem)

You should be arrested and thrown in the brig.
You came to my house and raped my pig.
I was wondering what was making my pig squeal.
When I saw what you were doing to her, it made me ill.
My pig just gave birth and you are the dad.
I puked when I saw what she had.
Her babies have the bodies of a pig and the heads of a man.
I'm going to get rid of these freaks as fast as I can.
My patience is like my hair, it's getting very thin.
I'll shoot you if you ever come near my pig again.

Details | I do not know? | |

Ice Cube

(This is a fictional poem)

I've watched him in Friday and in Barbershop.
Last week Ice Cube beat me up and he wouldn't stop.
I kissed a lady who turned out to be his girlfriend.
I'm in the hospital and it will take awhile for my broken bones to mend.
If you see Ice Cube, don't aggravate him and don't make him mad.
He'll kick your ___ too because he is bad.

Details | I do not know? | |

Road Rash

(This is a fictional poem)

When I won a Yamaha motorcycle, I was really thrilled.
But I've had some wrecks that nearly got me killed.
Yesterday I went flying over the handlebars and my head hit a horse in the balls.
I refuse to quit riding my motorcycle because I have an IQ that is very small.
I've broken my arms and my legs and I have a huge rash on my ___.
I'm wearing a lot of bandages, even my wiener is in a cast.
I'm going to give you some advice that's free.
Don't ever ride on my motorcycle with me.

Details | I do not know? | |

PBS kicked my ___

(This is a fictional poem)

PBS has some quality shows and they no longer allow people to watch without 
They beat the hell out of me and now the hospital is where I'm staying.
I got beat up so bad that I had to have some amputations.
From now on I'm going to make damn sure that I give them donations.
I'm going to tell you something that you must do.
Give PBS money or they'll kick your ___ too.

Details | I do not know? | |

Driving on the left

(This is a fictional poem)

While visiting England, I had to get used to driving on the left side of the highway.
I accidentally drove on the left when I returned to the USA.
I had a wreck and I almost totaled a limousine.
When I saw that the owner was a woman, I thought I'd get off easy but she was 
very mean.
She had sharp fingernails and she gouged them into my gut.
Then she took a rusty pair of tweezers and tore off my nuts.
She smashed my head on the asphalt about seven or eight times.
I'm in so much pain that I'm having trouble making this poem rhyme.
Compassion wasn't something that this woman showed.
If you and this lady are ever on the same highway, you'd better drive on the right 
side of the road.

Details | I do not know? | |

A bird #### in my hair

(This is a fictional poem)

I went to a job interview after a bird #### in my hair.
#### was all over the top of my head and I didn't know it was there.
I wondered why the people were laughing when I went to the job interview.
I didn't get the job because my hair was covered with poo.
Nobody told me that I had #### in my hair so I went like that on a date.
Needless to say it didn't go so great.
She didn't want a second date, that couldn't be more clearer.
I pissed all over myself when I got home and looked in a mirror.
I got really mad and I had a fit.
I've washed my hair five times and it still smells like ####.

Details | I do not know? | |

Get out of my house you bum!!

(This is a fictional poem)

My rotten brother-in-law has been sleeping on my couch for six months.
It's not pleasing to live in the same house with a dunce.
He could move out if he was earning income.
But he hasn't looked for a job even once because he's a bum.
He dropped out of school in the third grade when he was seventeen.
He's the biggest dumbass I've ever seen.
With his amount of education, he could easily get a job at Burger King.
If he comes back without a job again, his ### is going to be in a sling.
He thinks he's earning his keep because he's cooking our meals.
But when I eat, I get a mouthful of hair because he's going bald and it makes me 
very ill.
He leaves his clothes laying all around, he's a slob.
I'll go to jail for murder if that bum doesn't get a job.

Details | I do not know? | |

Lost in a Dream

I think it’s funny how we deceive
We just think something is real
And then we hurt each others beliefs
If it threatens our relief

I think it’s funny how I seem
I know exactly what you think
But to me I’m real and you’re a dream
Another joker with a team

Have I damaged your little world?
Am I threatening your beliefs?
Oh wait, you never heard
What I’m saying is just your dream

I think it’s stupid how we deceive
You’re setting up your little scheme
Yet you don’t know what this means
Because to know this will threaten your relief

Have I stolen your peace of mind?
Am I taking you apart inside?
Then again, you could never find
Everything you’re hearing is just your lie

Do you feel that you can see?
Is everything you’ve heard meeting me?
Why don’t you smile and then breathe
Because you’re dreaming that this can be