Roses are red
Violets are blue
Idiots like you,
belong in a school'
Don't get upset,
I went there too,
I passed all my classes,
cuz I was smarter than you,
But hey don't you worry'
You wont be one for long'
Just pass all your classes,
Go on what you waiting for,
No I don't think so
go right now.
"A person's tongue is a twisty thing,
there are plenty of words there of every kind,
and the range of words is wide, and their variation."
-- HOMER, The Iliad
When I say ice cream read I scream
When I say phonology read phone allergy
When I say insinuate read in sin you ate
When I say four candles read fork handles
When I say mint spy read mince pie
When I say greénhouse read green hoúse
When I say bláckboard read black boárd
When I say mesher read measure
When I say Alpine read alpine
When I say vowels read dishtowels
When I say Homophone read home on phone
When I say Polish read polish
When I say sonorant son of ant
When I say i.c.u. read I see you
When I say Lent read lent
When I say Turkey read turkey
When I say euthanasia read youth in Asia
When I say depreciate read deprecate
When I say farther read further
When I say collision read collusion
When I say endocentric read exocentric
When I say pharynx read larynx
When I say thought read though
When I say phonemic read phonetic
When I say weather read whether
When I say China read china
When I say call on phones read allophones
When I say stuffy nose read stuff he knows
© Joseph, 10/4/08
© All Rights Reserved
Comments: The Errata poem is based on mistake in speech or speaking, a Freudian slip,
mispronounced words, homophonic pronunciation, etc. Paul Muldoon from Ireland, and
Charles Simic from Yugoslavia wrote Errata poems based on this definition. The Errata poem
is a Linguists paradise.
Joseph S. Spence, Sr., is the author of "The Awakened One Poetics" (2009), which is
published in seven different languages. He invented the Epulaeryu poetry form, which
focuses on succulent cuisines and drinks. He is published in various forums, including the
World Haiku Association; Poetinis Druskininku, Milwaukee Area College, Phoenix Magazine;
Möbius Poetry, and Taj Mahal Review to name a few. Joseph is a Goodwill Ambassador for
the state of Arkansas, USA, a college faculty, and a military veteran.
Funny vs' Rude~~
agrestic bugaboo creeps, dandle
other', footle gleeking,
happy, izzat...jillick, kibitz, ludic,
osculating, proudly, quizzing, riant,
to unstable void, whelm, Xanthippe,
aphotic burnt cardinal debris
growing haematic, igniting,
jeopardizing, killing, lava,
madness, numb, 'Oppositional-
rage, staged, tempered, under,
virescent, watch, XXX, yield, zero.
Dream a little Dream~~
Accelerator, beating, captivating
fingerprints, ghost haunting,
'keebler-keeper', labyrinth, magic,
path, quarantine, rainbows, snakes,
Dedicated and inspired by; Yasmin
It’s funny how my father’s hobby became mine. He has been a sportsman all his life, he played basketball, volleyball and softball all his youth, but his real passion is soccer and even though he is 55 years old now, he still keeps playing it and loving it. He has had all kinds of cleats, all brands, all colors, different styles, but it does not change anything, he still plays amazing. But one thing I do find hilarious is that every time he comes from a game, he cleans his cleats, he washes them and takes them with such an unbelievable affection, that I’m beginning to think that he might love them more than he loves me, but now I do know the feeling of a new shiny, hard and beautiful pair of cleats. I still recall when he took me for my very first pair, I could not believe he was doing it for me, I was so excited, but now I realize that what I was excited about is that I could be like my father for just a moment when I had them on. Ever since I was little, I remember my daddy playing soccer, leaving home all dressed up, ready to fight, and win the ball to make a remarkable roll on the field. The playing field that we both love, the field all covered in grass, all green, so delicious and soft, so colorful… being crashed by everyone’s cleats and the rolling ball, feeling the sunlight on our skin, and the wind on our faces. Having a team, an extra family with whom we could find support and create new ideas, new plays so we could smash the opponent. So yes, I loved watching him play and cheering him up more than I could ever like watching official and famous soccer teams. I do find funny the fact that my father’s hobby became mine since everyone says we’re too similar, and even though he also has a son, his daughter is with whom he shares that connection. I love the fact that our simple relationship was started thanks to such a manly sport, and curiously, to transform me into such a girly girl.
The immigration is coming for me
I live in a two bedroom house with eight other families
We will be deported, this process includes a meal, so our stomachs will be full
I dream at night for beans, rice and burritos
I cook my burritos in fat, heavy lard
I check my pockets, now I'm worried, I think I lost my green card
I have gas and burps because of the food
I want to make bambinos, but the senora is not in the mood
She's not ready, she says I'm pushing too hard
Now she's mad, flushes my wallet down the toilet, there goes my green card
Now rice and beans will be my meals three times a day
The immigration is the predator and I'm the prey
I sneak through a hole in the fence
This shows the border patrol is incompetent
I am again caught and sent back across the border
I will miss the reruns of Law and Order
Sam Waterson can't win a case, what a retard
This all goes back to when I lost my green card
im livin in a world, where all eyes on me.
trying to curve my own route.
but route 66 keeps finding its way to me.
ive been plenty sick, in all the events layed before me.
even when i reflect to my lowest points
i dont regret any of the choices
That I’ve deployed in my era
A lot of it by error, but hey
We live in hell conditions and there ain’t no air condition
Or any guidelines when life throws you in the sidelines
But when hindsight twenty twenty hits
You’ll begin to understand life’s a bunch of equations and you in the mix of it
An you’ll have to think twice, before running into a situation and becoming the best of it
it’s what got me here, it’s what got us here
Ran with my thoughts blazing up to her place and
Guess what happened next
She opened up heaven’s gate
And just before late I slipped out
I’m a Grown ass man
Doin his thing, waitin to blow up like an old land mine
In doin what he drools over
But time after time
Something decides to creep up and cover the light
Lost my way
Then I revoked to ever know, I ever thought that way
But in the in between time, that in the mean time
Spent a lot of time
Gettin pissed off just to medicate and lift off
Don’t need Don Perion to sip off
Already had my way with the bottle
Even thought to get back with the trouble and rejoin the hustle
That’s just what happens to a man who really knows his old ways
Whos tired of making ends meet and ponders getting back to the streets.
Memory sets in and he remembers an O.G. saying
No matter how tall your pockets stand when you ball
Eventually times gonna make you fall
And I as I pull myself together
I don’t wanna end up like the twin towers rubble
I mean no offence to nine eleven but at that time I probably could have used a reverend
But all that’s irrelevant now
because i live with a different perspective now
there you go you made it to the end :-) comment if you like, constructive criticism wanted as well.
Black Jack dealers
Dealing the cards
Taking all my money!!!!
All was going well until she asked for a drink
Then my stomach started to sink
She ask “do you have coffee?”
“no it’s OCD”
Stood up, turned 80 degrees
Counted my steps, ones and threes
Get the scales and measure the grains
In nerves, must not make any stains
Add the milk, not too much
Now the sugar, just a light touch
Click the kettle, watch my watch
If she was Irish, I could always add scotch
Click! Pour the water
63 mm size always matters
A quick stir, a wee bit slower
Too high make it lower
Turn clockwise, go for the door
Marching like in the marine corps
There she is lying in a heap
I was hours, she’s fast asleep
"American Grafitti" took me back again to High School in the 1960's
"Back to the Future's" nifty hot rod took me back in time and almost left me!
"City Slickers" took me way out west, to rustle cows and ride a horse
"Da Vinci's" code, did not bode well, the Vatican did not endorse!
"E. T. " turned out to be my friend, we peddled bikes far past the moon
"Forrest Gump" shared my lunch, and shared his chocolate just past noon
"Groundhog Day" is darn confusing, is it Monday or is it Tuesday?
"Hannibal" is one cruel dude,..........he sharpens teeth so he can chew me!!
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" invited me to toast their wedding
"Jaws" invited me to take a swim! Those who did, were soon regretting!
"King Kong", was one poor ape who climbed too high for past mistakes,
"Lincoln" had too much at stake, but ended war between the states
"Mummy 1" and "Mummy 2" made me cry for Mommy,...PLEASE!
"No Country for Old Men"...but young dudes look, and want to leave!
"O' Brother Where Are Thou?" escaped their chains to play like Ringo
"Psycho's" bathtubs scare me silly, my next motel will be Flamingo's
"Quarantine" because I'm sick? If I stay in bed, they call me lazy
"Rosemary's Baby"...yikes that kid? Babysit....?? Are you crazy?
"Superman" claimed that he could help me, but flew away with no advice
"Titanic" hit a piece of ice, (that Superman was not so nice!)
"Unforgiven" (now is Superman)...Clint Eastwood is the slicker guy
"Valkyrie"'s plot has thickened...Let's all poke Hitler in the eye!
"When Harry Met Sally" I was jealous....her cafe' scene has made me blush
Xanadu had me roller skating.......racing faster, while I'm dating
"Young Sherlock Holmes" was just a kid, I kid you not, he met his Watson
"Zoolander" 's slacks were Cuban made.. I borrowed some and they were awesome!
(and I'm exhausted!)
For Cyndi's exhausting ABC contest!! Whew!
Zooming at the very end
Yelling around I find my way
Xtremely touchy and tearful
Why does it always have to be
ABCD and not WXYZ!
Another big carnivorous dinosaur eagerly fractures Grindel’s hide. Initiating jerky
kick-arse lunges mother never ordered. Precisely quantified results show two
underworld villains where Xavier yelps zigzagging!
Zounds! yells Xavier. Where victory unearths terrors, simply raucous quadrupeds
pale! Ordinarily, nameless mating lovers kill jaded, inept, husbands. Grindel feels
eager, daddy can bellow apologetically!
And blue constellations distract effectively firing Grendel’s hormones into joyous
leaping kicks. Lovers make numerous overtures. Party queen roars.
Several tyrannosaurus underlings vanish with Xavier’s yammering zeal!
*Category 3 any old dino verse
Come join the three for another cheap, meaningless day in their lives
They consider themselves to be hip, part of the same sex marriage, Burly the
husband, Flo and Mary the wives
Their day always starts at the breakfast table bashing the males that exist
They wish the males could be on the endangered species list
Sometimes things change among the three, as the estrogen level rises in Burly
Once a month, she wants to be a wife and act very girly
As for Mary and Flo, they think Oprah is hot
Burly thinks Rosie O'Donnell has the goodies she so much has sought
They sip their Busch Beer out of Nascar Coozies
There is no more room for anymore women within the circle of The Three
From their point of view, all men should be women's slaves
Burly has a strong scent of Old Spice after shave
They love watching domineering women type movies
The popcorn is shared by all Three Floozies
They go out to only all girls clubs
They cheer on the under dogs, their favorite one is the Chicago Cubs
Their closets are full of clothes by Dickies
They leave each other love notes on little stickies
Mary likes champagne on a store brand soda budget
Flo likes Butterbeans with cumin to make them smell pungent
Burly likes Pickled Eggs and sardines
Burly's favorite movie line is In space no one can hear you scream
Flo's favorite movie line is Go ahead, make my day
Mary's favorite movie line is My name is Chucky, do you wanna play?
Burly dreams of one day wrestlin' steers
Mary is concerned that Burly one day will leave, that's her worst fear
Flo watches the WWE, she is such a loyal fan
Burly uses her forehead to smash empty beer cans
None of you are mothers, so on your peanut butter selection, quit being choosy
Mary, Flo and Burly are today's Three Floozies
candy yams- smellin' like spam...I like green eggs, and maybe some ham
lookin' like Gina, but with a shape like Pam...
I called and emailed her a dozen times, like spam
...she never liked me, always told me to scat and scram...
I'm tellin' you, she had a body like WHAM! and if I could touch her, I'd be like damn!
...in my dreams...we make love and we ram...
all night long, we just bam...
I want to get with her one day and we'll be a happy fam...
cause the perfect catch for her, is what I am...
why don't you like me...huhh excuse me mam...
about my feelings I'm not lying to you, this is no scam
we could go out for breakfast, did I mention I like green eggs and possibly ham?
...I'm so obsessed, it's like I'm possessed...I look thru her window and take pictures with my cam...
hopin' I could get my jelly and we could make it jam...
...cause she's so fine, she so sexy, she's just so glam
close my eyes, count 1, 2, 3...she will be with me
AL LA KAAZAM!
Green eggs and ham
The Doctor Visit
I went to the doctors today.
He came in to the room.
He asked do you smoke.
I said "Why now do you see any?"
He said,"do you drink", I said," Why do you need one?"
Then he said. "Strip off you close".
I said," I hope you 're not taking off yours"!
Then the doctor said. "Can I see your ears?"
I said,'i clean them everyday"
Then he says. "Broaden your mouth and stick out your tough,".
I said,"I only do that a to my wife"!
Then he says."Why are you here today?"
I said,"Why Don't you know you 're the doctor"!
You send bolts through my skin
something I was never to
accomplish with you, when I
saw you it's like my heart sank
to my stomach and I was in
shock my body still my body
heavy felt like when I moved I
was about to fall to my knees
you make me want to get
inside my brain pick you up and
take you out pick you one by
one like a flower because I do
love you and love you not.
As we stop, I pull out my jar of Vic's vapor rub
I put some up my nostrils, this job you cannot love
But it pays the bills, I make my living
Trash day is when people are most giving
They are selfless when getting rid of what they see as junk
Whew! That smell from the back of a garbage truck
I spot a pair of shoes for my kid
I will wash them first, get rid of the odor of rotted squid
My niece's birthday is coming up soon
I found a playhouse with dishes, forks, cups and spoons
It's family night tonight at home
The unknown video I found will be shown
Finding the right stuff is a matter of luck
It is just my point of view from the back of a garbage truck
I found a half a bucket of KFC
I take a smell, it smells as fresh as can be, what a surprise for my family
Two hours later, the family can't keep their meal down
They are so ungrateful about the food I found
I am on a strict budget, I have to find a way to save a couple bucks
More dinners will be found because I work on the back of a garbage truck
A quiet almost abrupt person
Believes in heaven and eternity
Culverhouse, cuddly cheer giver
Dang dandy Doris
Enjoys food rich and sweet
Funny in a dry sort of way
Girl in my mind freckles and bangs
Handy and loves to learn
For Tracie Edwards contest
thanks for the inspiration!!
So you are choosing Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs
You love to eat them from a zip loc bag at the mall
You grew up in the deep south eating these odd things
For instance, you choose chicken feet with toe nails instead of chicken wings
You said you would eat the Rock Oysters with spaghetti or rice, it really doesn't
Sometimes you eat them fried in a Tempura Batter
Do you ever feel remorse knowing some baby pigs are missing their Pa
All because you prefer Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs
I can't condone your preference for what you would call a tasty treat
Something is wrong passing up boiled eggs for pickled pig's feet
The stuff you eat would have me being a frequent flyer to a bathroom stall
I can't get past you showing favorites to Rocky Mountain Oysters Over Meatballs
Did anyone tell you what they really are
It's not something you eat with a date gazing at the stars
My mind has always been open to try different things
But I need to draw the line eating a male animal's bling bling
I've eaten camel, horse, octopus even legs of frogs
Down in Tijuana, I ate tacos made from dog
You say what's wrong with this, I share these with my in laws
Another advantage is Rocky Mountain Oysters cost less than your run of the mill
Have you tried them with a little bit of Texas Pete
Rumor has it they started with sheep on the island of Crete
I do however like a good seasoned batch of Collard Greens
Can't quite completely criticize the South, I am caught in between
But I do get a kick out of the deep Southern Drawl
But I am still a Yankee when declining Rocky Mountain Oysters over Meatballs
I went fishing the other day.Caught a fish that I was surprised.
The fish was a least six inches long.
I took my fish and went to the market to look for beer.
Their I told, the butcher I caught a fish.
That was 12 inches long.
On the way to my house I saw a cop friend of mine.
I told him that i had a fish that was 18 inches long.
I stopped for a few beers at the bar I saw joey the postman.
I told joey that i had a whopper of a fish that was
Two feet long
JACK AND JILL.
OH, LA, LA
JACK AND JANE
OH, LA, LA
JACK AND JOHN
OH! MY GOD
I have a cat named Hasty
the absoulte center of my world.
Theres nothing on Earth that will make me,
give up my baby girl.
My house caught on fire
So I had to get up and go.
Watching my house burn on the oustside,
recording it with my I-Phone....Oops.
I plurm and glorp with every breath
My existence defies and deifies death
I splurp and glomph amongst your days
Indistinguishable from mud and haze
I slig and slorg, a dark breamy blaze
with unctuous vim I sleam through your days
and go about my large gorptious ways
Slimy, I slawl in shades of grey
leaving glossful drippings to mark my way
and make your life gang aft agley
as I spream and slorl in spurious ways
and glurm and gleep with hideous gaze
I sleam and glort in vorptious dark ways
‘Til you come undone
And my sporphing’s won!
My job’s complete – I’ve sprunked your flaze
My job is done, I’ve gronked your days!
Today i knocked off early
What a day it was
Impatience is riding my soul
Like a hungry horse in the field
Anxious to reach the bus stop
I waited for my bus ride
Singing and counting the minutes
I dressed like a lil girl
Waiting to see her 1st crush
Grinning from ear to ear
And then... There he was
My lil stallion dressed in black
Moving like a devil on steroids
He don't notice
But i turn all purple with envy
FInally i gather all my scattered guts
Move up close to him
My heart thumping, bet he heard that
Cos his lips twisted with charm
Gosh he's pretty
I was about to move my lips
And whisper "hello sir"
But he beat me to it
He said "hey sexy"
I held my breathe in then out
I lost my grip and felt dizzy
People cheered in awe
... He had a tunnel inside his mouth
All his front teeth had disappeared
It wa all dark and scary
As i regained my sanity and opened my eyes
His lips were locked in mine
Mouth to mouth they said
Soft and juicy so warm against
I died in his arms for good
Today he's my husband... Till teeth do us part
He's my teethless husband and i love him
I'M AS YOUNG AS I FEEL
I'M NOT GETTING OLD. I'M AS YOUNG AS CAN BE.
THERE'S NOTHING AT ALL THE MATER WIT ME.
MY HAIR IS NOT GRAY. THERE'S A SILVERY SHINE.
MY BACK IS NOT BENT I'VE A FANCY SHAPED SPINE.
WHEN I BREATHE, I DO NOT HAVE A WHEEZE.
I HAVE FUNNY SHAPED LEGS, BUT NOT BANDY KNEES.
MY TEETH ARE NOT GONE BECAUSE THE WERE OLD.
I EAT TOO MANY SWEETS, OR SO I'VE BEEN TOLD.
THESE HEARING AIDS, NOT FOR DEAFNESS, I'M SURE.
THEY SAY THAT PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE.
I'M NOT GETTING SLOWER. I JUST TAKE MY TIME,
THE COLD DOESN'T GET ME. I ALWAYS FEEL FINE.
I DON'T HUFF AND PUFF MY WAY BACK FROM THE SHOP.
I DON'T GET TIRED AND DON'T HAVE TO STOP
YES, MY HAIR IS A LITTLE BIT LIGHT.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE SHAMPOO I WAS USING LAST NIGHT.
MY PULSE IS NOT DIM, IT'S JUST HARD TO FIND.
MY BONES ARE NOT BRITTLE, THERE ONE OF A KIND.
THESE ARE NOT WRINKLES, JUST MATURE SKIN.
I AM VERY WELL PROUD OF THE SHAPE I AM IN.
I'M AS FIT AS A FIDDLE, A SPRING CHICKEN STILL.
I AM NOWHERE NEAR OR OVER THE HILL.
THE GOLDEN AGE IS A LONG WAY AWAY.
UNTIL I AM READY, THATS WHERE IT CAN STAY.
BY SHIRLEY MOODY...
SINCE THEN, THE THIS-THAT HAS HER
Ways. Since then
Re-submitted for the FIRST POEM contest