Survivors Guilt
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It's been ten long years now since that awful tragedy
When a stranger I didn't know, gave his life to save me
I was on the edge of the platform, when I had a heart attack
I clutched my chest in shock and fell forward onto the track.
I'd been working long hours and increasing my wealth
Oblivious to the fact that it was affecting my health
I was surviving on junk food and did little exercise
Every meal that I was eating came with extra fries.
I'd go drinking after work and sometimes go to see a show
And many times I'd skip sleep and head off to a casino
I was young and fairly fit but what I didn't know
Was that my heart was under pressure and ready to blow.
I slowly came to and heard someone shout "he's not moving"
A girl let out a scream as an express train was approaching
Then a man jumped onto the track and helped me to stand
Other commuters on the platform reached out to give a hand.
They dragged me onto the platform, I was grateful to be alive
Sadly my rescuer slipped and fell backwards and did not survive
The express train hit him head on; he was killed instantly
I learnt later that he left behind a wife, and a young family.
I spent three weeks in hospital and my treatment went well
My doctor discharged me, but it was the start of my living hell
I found out that my rescuers name was Jonathan Best
And I was called to give evidence when they held an inquest.
Witnesses described his actions on that day, as selfless bravery
And the coroner declared his death as an accidental tragedy
His wife was in the courtroom and was sobbing uncontrollably
And at the back of my mind I thought, he's dead because of me.
I struggled with feelings of guilt and was unable to cope
My life had became meaningless; I'd given up on hope
I left my stressful job and went to work in a store
It paid for lifes essentials because I needed nothing more.
Out of concern my friends urged me, to see a psychiatrist
I told them I don't need a shrink and did everything to resist
But I began to realise that I needed help, it was the only way
That deep guilt that I was feeling was not going away.
Survivors guilt is very real the psychiatrist told me
And I had with him long sessions, of intense therapy
Over time I got well and I felt better about my life
And found the strength to go and see Jonathan's wife.
She reassured me that in no way was I in any way to blame
That it was just a tragic accident and that I shouldn't feel shame
Every year I visit Jonathan's grave and thank him for saving me
And for me to lead a normal and healthy, life it had taken a tragedy.
Written 3rd November 2021.
Copyright © Tom Cunningham | Year Posted 2021
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