I have 2 secret lovers only a few know about.
Not everyone would understand our love, and that I have no doubt.
The one who keeps me up all night, she’s my biggest fan.
She tells me how good of a mom I am and helps me the best way she can.
The other, she’s a bit more shy, and doesn’t like all the noise.
She makes me feel a little bit calmer and fills me with poise.
Together they are the perfect combo and make me feel like I’m at my best.
I hate the times when I can’t find them which makes me distressed.
The hyper one, she gets me through several days and nights,
The calm one, she settles my nerves and kisses where the other bites.
I don’t remember what life was like before I met these two,
Don’t remember who I was, I’ve become someone I once knew.
I know a day will come when we can no longer be friends,
Until then, they’re my secret lovers and will hold me until the very end.
The tv sings soft tunes
But my mind cant focus
Im watching the charecters go by
A second later im watching myself
Seeing everything from an outside view
Its paranomal, really
A spirit tied to its old body
having to watch it get passed around
Being held like a child holding a balloon
tethered to it for all eternity
Watching its life from a window
But never really living it
Never feeling the proper emotions
Or remebering the right thing
Cause your mind is not yours
It is broken
Being held by scraps of glue
Falling apart at the slightest of movement
So you float
Keeping yourself steady
Not falling
Your a ghost in your own body
If I said this is me trying,
If I told you that
Isolation was becoming
More of a destination than an action,
Would it be enough for you?
I know I’m too much,
Not enough to fit the mold that I once laid
Perfectly in,
I know I failed to flourish,
I know I faltered.
I’m sorry.
I learned to swim before I could run,
Because when you spend your whole life drowning,
Floating becomes survival.
The pavement hurt to fall on,
But at least I could patch myself up, heal.
The water takes everything.
It’s surround sound,
Sensory deprivation,
My lungs fill with the density,
And I sink deeper and deeper,
And I finally understand that it’s got me,
The darkness that doesn’t quite dissolve.
A lingering,
A taint.
I’ve learned to live with it,
I can’t remember a time it wasn’t in me,
But I can feel the level rising,
It’s consuming my entirety.
Each and every time I think it’s getting lighter,
The pressure doubles
And I feel myself condensing into nothingness.
I thought I could leave this all behind,
Until I finally understood,
This depth,
This ocean,
There will be no escape.
Pace and Pace
Till the room fades
Till the faces appear
and you're finally safe
Pace and Pace
Till the time passes by
Till the world is right
and it's finally mine
Black rose, black rose all may know your beauty
but your pain nobody knows.
Black rose, black rose oh the sorrow that you hold,
I feel it tearing deep into my soul, but you'll never let me close.
I guess that's why you were born with oh so many thorns, but just to be close to you
I'll be gladly sliced and torn.
Black rose, black rose the agony would be worth it all, just to feel a love
none has known before.
Black rose, black rose oh the power that you hold, all the horrors left untold,
your eyes are sullen and stoic like a stone.
Black rose, black rose let me bleed upon your thorns, let my lifeblood be adorned,
for me you'll never have to mourn my black rose.
Black rose
Desire turns to ire,
elation to vexation
Every single thing you do
Increases my frustration
Light shines through the colourful stained glass
It’s a sight to see such fine art
But the only glass I see stained are shards of red that you stabbed into my heart
Keep your head down
For your sins, you can’t repay
You will never be forgiven
On your knees where you shall stay
Staggering breaths
As you begin to falter
Trying to confess
all of your sins at the altar
You are no Angel
Nor are you a saint
One does not receive glory
for bragging of his attaint
Your time has come
for I hear the chime of the bells
Your lack of repent
shall send you to hell
I don’t like cake, nor cupcakes.
I’ll eat it, but if it’s my only option.
I always kind of wondered why I don’t like it; I thought I was maybe just too picky.
Despite not liking it, I’ve baked many;
Each covered in icing, and the occasional sprinkles.
I’ve tasted every single one I’ve made over the years, slowly growing to resent it.
Maybe it’s because of excessive birthdays, or maybe because it’s just not a special treat anymore.
My father and I would bake together,
Always excited to mix together the ingredients, putting on my tinkerbell apron.
I look back at the many photos compiled of myself baking, always just me. Alone. Were we really spending time together? Bonding?
I don’t remember my father being around while I whisked away, just the moment captured in a picture.
I wish I could breathe underwater,
But not to explore the sea.
I just enjoy the comfort,
It feels like where I should be.
Below the surface is quiet,
No voices can be heard.
The water always settles,
Even after it stirred.
When I rise above the water,
My exposed skin shivers from the cold,
But as I sink back down again,
warmth breaks me through it’s threshold.
I can swim freely,
I can do what I please
Though I prefer the depths;
The ones where no one sees.
But I am not built for that
I know I can’t stay,
I will surely drown,
But life underwater seems better that way.
I am so alone yet too full of myself inside
my thoughts scream at me constantly leaving me nowhere to hide
I feel I break everything I go near, would it be better if I disappeared?
Would they be smiling? Would they be glad? Am I really just a weight on everyone I have?
A burden to them and a burden to me, maybe alone is really what I'm meant to be.
I have no right to the sunshine or even a warm hug, I will slowly fade away in this cold hole I've dug.
May you find a happier place without my dark cloud, maybe it's better that I'm no longer around.
Each person fights a demon,
No one is ever spared,
But how strong of a monster is never truly shared.
And sometimes, no matter how hard you fight,
The demon is who wins.
Forty years of ups and downs,
Victories and losses,
each in turn like coin tosses,
Raced around the world and back,
The final battle is alone.
Some demons are so dangerous,
That others back away,
It is not lack of caring, but to protect others from its sway.
They hope and pray from afar,
Always wishing that you’ll win.
You make the final journey now,
Finding peace that you had lost,
Be with your kith and your kin with Hel a gracious host,
Give greetings to her father,
Give greetings to our kin.
Rest in peace finally,
You are beyond this test.
Having a run, but not in hand,
Excited for I know my prize is grand.
It’s time to draw, but not from the deck,
I drew too much, now my figure’s a wreck.
Making lines, my soul further in debts,
I add more lines, I like placing bets.
Instead of pounds, I use my own,
A little more cautious, now down to the bones.
A little on edge, for my cover mustn’t be blown,
Acting as stoic as possible,
Expression like stone.
I try and do my best bluff,
But maybe I didn’t try hard enough.
I might tap-out, for luck’s not in my favour,
My turn is overdue, I should’ve signed that waiver.
Knowing if I lose, the cost will be major,
But I’m not too scared,
For my life is something I often wager.
4:09:05
A familiar time which plays on repeat in my mind
Get the opposite of high, but I don’t know why
Cutting pounds but not just my weight
I’m not trying to over-exaggerate
But I think it’s time to say goodbye.
Being alone isn’t the same as feeling it
I just wanna stop, I just wanna quit
They say all it takes is just a call
Down the rabbit hole you fall
Running down an empty hall
I cant seem to recall
If it’s really worth it all
Looking out the window, all
I hear is a loud rainfall
Beats me staring at a wall
Or downing pints of alcohol
Not afraid for if i fall
The flowers I’ll receive by haul
I’ll feel better overall
4:09:05 is my call
This run ain't been fun for a while now
Energy for it all been ran out
Beggin myself to let go of this doubt
N start bein what I always been about
Knock myself off this damn cloud
Kuz its lookin like its about to storm some more
Ya know sht bad when chaoz got me bored
Being sober is more like a chore
The chemicals I keep in my brain cells
Got me convinced this reality I'm in is forreal hell
Its like my luck done hit the driest dry spell
Forgot how it feels to feel well
If I ever did know...
.....dazed out
Wondering if this whole sht
Is a fckd up sht show directed and written by
...who tha fck knows
Gettin kicks outta every low blow I catch to tha dome
Steady fckn with my mental state
Don't even try to act like im tryna exaggerate
but the plates overflowing with anger, pain & hate
when all I ordered was peace, love & fun
with some lust mixed in to hydrate
Keepin it super real
At this fcked up rate,
I dont even gotta contemplate
Why everyones walkin around all irate
While im just slowly strolling around
In this fcked up drug haze
Some say destruction is a form of creation.
But what did I create while destroying my body?
What was created while I was chipping away at my skin, slice by slice?
It's not until you step back and stop the destruction
that you realize you created resilience.
Even though the destructive thoughts
souround your essence in a thick fog of darkness,
hellbent on destroying everything in its path...
Destruction is a form of creation.
And every time you fight your way out of that fog,
you're destroying the clawing urges bit by bit—
and creating a resilience against the very destruction
you thought would be your end.
Destruction is a form of creation.
So create a victorious mind.
When the mind faltered
Alternate timelines were born
Lines of realities blurred
Rifts of possibilities torn
Truth fading into the abyss
Chained to the unknown
Silently waiting for life's kiss
To shatter this stone cold throne
Provoking thy swarming thoughts
Clawing and scratching for the one
Blinded by hopes deemed naught
Until one's dreams are none
Walls shaking and quaking
Slashing and ripping
Sharpening newfound wings
Clutches of chaos beating
Sealing thy soul out of light
A chrysalis to preserve us
Away with our own blights
Evolving and growing, thus
Cage of ice and fire crumbled
Exile the grasping darkness, fabled
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