Dear Signore Direttore,
Now I am a-tella you a story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London an stay as a-younga cristan man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep whit no shit i my bed? So I calla down to the receptione and tella: 'I wanta shit'. They tella me: 'Go to toilet'. I say: 'No,no I wanta shit in my bed'. They say: 'You better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch'. What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast: 'I wanta piss'. She tella me: 'Go to toilet'. I say: 'I wata piss on my plate'. She then say to me: 'You'd bloody not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch'.
That is the second person who do not even know me calla me 'sonna-wa-bitch', an why is your staff replying 'Go to toilet', is that a modern tella? I do no understand, Please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: 'I wanta fock'. And she tella me: 'Sure, everyone wanta fock'. I say: 'No,no you dont understanda me, I wanta fock on the table'. She tella me: So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!
How comma this cristian hotel tella the guest in such bad manner?
So I go to receptioneand ask for bill, I no wanta stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me: 'Thank you and piss on you'. I say: 'Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch, I go back to Italy'.
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.
Sincerely
Dicci Elgre
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You want your sister to lose weight, tell her to get off the couch, stop eating twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey, and you know what, no-one knows what they wanna be when they grow up! you know it takes a little time to find that out. And you, you sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well maybe you should lift some weights or take a karate lesson and the next time he tries it you kick him in the balls!
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I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
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If you receive an e-mail with a subject of 'Badtimes,' delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it! This is the most dangerous E-Mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty, drink all your beer, make you fall in love with a penguin, give you nightmares about circus midgets, leave the toilet seat up and kill your dog.
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Wayne Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star Cassandra Yeah. Wayne Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase Cassandra Yeah. Wayne Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase Cassandra Yeah. Wayne Okay, party. Bonus.
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Clearly, some time ago makers and consumers of American junk food passed jointly through some kind of sensibility barrier in the endless quest for new taste sensations. Now they are a little like those desperate junkies who have tried every known drug and are finally reduced to mainlining toilet bowl cleanser in an effort to get still higher.
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Castro couldn't even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet.
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Whats the deal with toilet paper these days? Its no longer called 'toilet paper'. There are little sissy names for it such as: 'bathroom tissue', and many others. [...]
[Pets] never complain. They never bite you, or pee on you because you don't call them 'k9s', or 'Felines'. They just go about their business, like humping your leg, or licking each others genitals.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
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Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: 'I FUCKED your mother!!!'
neatly printed in small calm blue letters: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'
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Gosh, I haven't seen that many fumbles by a Jets' quarterback since Joe Namath tried to kiss Suzy Kolber on an ESPN Sunday night game a couple years ago, ... The Chiefs played defense about as well as Suzy did �¢ Joe didn't get to first base, and neither did we. But we've got Chad on a strenuous hand-strengthening regimen: he's squeezing Charmin toilet paper 500 times a day.
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I have been photographing our toilet, that glossy enameled receptacle of extraordinary beauty. Here was every sensuous curve of the human figure divine but minus the imperfections. Never did the Greeks reach a more significant consummation to their culture, and it somehow reminded me, in the glory of its chaste convulsions and in its swelling, sweeping, forward movement of finely progressing contours, of the Victory of Samothrace.
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Today, the degradation of the inner life is symbolized by the fact that the only place sacred from interruption is the private toilet.
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Like when I'm in the bathroom looking at my toilet paper, I'm like 'Wow! That's toilet paper?' I don't know if we appreciate how much we have.
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CHRIS What's art, Holling Is a Davinci art Dada art If you wrap up the whole Reichstag in toilet paper, is that art HOLLING Well, I can't give you a complete definition, but I think it would be something Maurice would be willing to give good money for. CHRIS Yeah, well, you're starting to scare me cause if that's art, then I got to get a whole new gig.
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Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
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Here I stand and hesitate Should I piss or masturbate
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Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
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Life is like a toilet paper roll -- it gets shorter near the end.
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On marrying Freddie Prinze Jr: He grew up with women so he leaves the toilet seat up.
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It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
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Acting is invigorating. But I don't analyse it too much. It's like a dog smelling where it's going to do its toilet in the morning.
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Life is like a toilet it's always full of assholes
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In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.
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Mothers born on relief have their babies on relief. Nothingness, truly, seems to be the condition of these New York people. They are nomads going from one rooming house to another, looking for a toilet that functions.
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Life is like a roll of toilet paper, sometimes long, sometimes short, but always useful.
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I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool!
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May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful!
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I feel sorry for Cupid's mother. How'd you like to try to toilet-train an armed kid who can fly?
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Confucious say: he who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.
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