There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that
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We're absolutely thrilled to be named as one of the Best Companies to Work for in Texas. It's an honor to be part of an incredible team that's committed to exceeding our clients' expectations and to making our agency a fun and creative place to come to every day.
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Kids like my act because I'm wearing nose glasses. Adults like my act because there's a guy who thinks putting on nose glasses is funny
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I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
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It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
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Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them
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What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing
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I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy
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Well, excuuuuuse me!!!!
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If she doesn't get an Academy Award nomination, I will kill myself.
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Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town
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I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
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He had a tendency that, when he got down against a real high level of competition, he?d melt.
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Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down
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I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
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I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress
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[On his breakthrough 1977 album] Let's Get Small, ... There's a million people onstage and everything's moving real fast and you can't understand a word they say but it doesn't matter and you just sit there and go, 'Wow! Look at the (breasts)! I'll bet there's 57 (breasts) up there!'
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Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything! by
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I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
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The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.
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Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.
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I could not handle being a woman, I would stay home all day and play with my breasts
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Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is
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Talking about music is like dancing about architecture
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I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
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You know what your problem is? It's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies
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