Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves
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I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
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Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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If that's the best joke in the world, then I've never had a face-lift.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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