Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly -- hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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She is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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She turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the hell off my property.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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When it comes to acting, Joan Rivers has the range of a wart.
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She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I don't know why they're around.
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Don�t talk to me about Valentine�s Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Your anger can be 49 % and your comedy 51 %, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 %, the comedy is gone.
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