Will I Myself
Do you think
I'll ever kill myself?
Will I do it?
Am I capable?
I just don't know.
I didn't think Isr__ would.
But he did.
I don't think my husband will.
But he might.
Thousands of others do.
Will I?
I just don't know.
How can you tell
if someone will
pull the trigger
drink the poison
take the pills
cut too deep
knock away the chair.
No one knows.
Except God.
Yet he still loves us?
How is it possible?
He's so distant
these days.
I feel so strange.
It's hard to describe.
Like there's some truth
just out of reach
that would help me
make sense
of the pain,
loneliness,
feeling lost,
cut off from the world,
while still trying
to engage.
I can't get close,
always on guard
of my words, actions.
It's not safe
outside of my head.
There is no one
no where
to turn.
Will it finally become too much?
Will I kill myself?
I just don't know.
Copyright © Mandy Oscarson | Year Posted 2015
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