Will I Myself

Do you think I'll ever kill myself? Will I do it? Am I capable? I just don't know. I didn't think Isr__ would. But he did. I don't think my husband will. But he might. Thousands of others do. Will I? I just don't know. How can you tell if someone will pull the trigger drink the poison take the pills cut too deep knock away the chair. No one knows. Except God. Yet he still loves us? How is it possible? He's so distant these days. I feel so strange. It's hard to describe. Like there's some truth just out of reach that would help me make sense of the pain, loneliness, feeling lost, cut off from the world, while still trying to engage. I can't get close, always on guard of my words, actions. It's not safe outside of my head. There is no one no where to turn. Will it finally become too much? Will I kill myself? I just don't know.