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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
Growing, growing, tall and strong, vines and thorns they are,
Enveloping my body, leaving bruises, scratches, scars.
Only getting burdensome i try my best to flee,
But when i try to rip away the thorns cause me to bleed.
I stand still for a moment, and try to plot my moves,
But if i try to free myself I know that i will lose.
The trap intends to kill me, no matter how i try,
No matter how i fight it, I am certain i will die.
I once had hope but now i see that there is no escape,
Cuz i was born within these thorns, so see its only fate.
Some of you were meant to live, your minds will let you fly,
But some of us are anchored here, and born to live in lies.
Lies of hope, lies of dreams, lies of empty choices,
The only truth we understand, it lives within the voices.
Entangled in these voices, and thoughts inside our brains,
When everything is stripped away the voice is what remains.
So how do you escape something, the only thing you've known,
And how do you ignore it when the thorns dig into bone.
You can't, you see its always there, the voices let them flourish.
And since the voice is here to stay, you know the vines stay nourished.
Voices, thorns, they're two in one, they feed off of eachother,
So whats the point, its time you see that you're becoming smothered.
Is this it, is this the end, do you know where you are headed?
Its hard to say cuz to this day you're still deeply embedded.
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2017
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
A feeling so surreal-
I've never felt this way before.
I swore I knew what love was-
but this with you is so much more.
The warmth it washes over me-
cleanses, my soul down to it's core.
For reasons unbeknownst to me-
feel that I know you from before.
A longing which has drawn me here-
with an aura so familiar.
Despite life's grief and heartache-
I am most grateful to be here.
See I do not believe-
we're simply, two halves, to a whole.
But two flames glowing brighter-
as fate, intertwines our souls
A push a pull, a give a take-
like two ends of a spectrum.
Yet still we find safe haven-
in eachother; feel so welcomed.
I know there's so much more ahead-
as we learn to take steps forward.
Just Know I crave to understand-
your mind and how it's coded.
The truth and the reality-
is that neither can explain it.
Still one way or another-
both our paths were integrated.
Just like baby birds-
as they prepare for their first leap.
With no reason, or no rhyme-
hold faith from high atop the trees.
And even without proof-
of if they'll live or or die.
Instinctively still throw themselves-
into the open skies.
Young birds they may not know much-
still know that they must try.
Because despite the unknown-
they know that they were born to fly.
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2023
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
I want to see you smile,
Just like you did that day.
The light that had shone from your eyes,
Wish it hadn't gone away.
To see you laugh aloud,
As though the world was a good place.
Your aura bright and loud,
And happy beaming from your face.
The problem though - it was the source,
The spark that fueled your fire.
The reason for your happiness,
Has consequence so dire.
For i am not the reason
That your heart had felt so full.
The substance running through your veins
Never leaves you feeling dull.
Why can't I ever recreate
The smile i saw that night?
I'm happy that you're happy,
But the reason isn't right.
Why can't I ever lift you up,
To feel that sense of high.
I'd do anything this world asked,
Love, i promise that i try.
I feel so low cause i can't seem
To lift you to the clouds,
Cause if could I'd make damn sure
You'd never come back down.
I can't pretend however,
That i don't know what or why.
See I too am familiar
With this happiness and high.
I guess for now- since we're both down
We're both in this together.
We're trapped in happy lies,
Until our false happy is severed.
I guess the fear we both hold,
Is finding happy without help.
Amphetamines to catch our dreams,
Till we can chase our dreams ourselves.
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2020
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
The cool crisp air grazes against my face,
Relaxing on my porch, i try to find my place.
Unmedicated thoughts, are scrolling through my mind,
And even though its peaceful now i can't leave past behind.
I think of all I've done with no appreciation,
I do not understand why there is so much expectation.
"Try to think of good thoughts" they say with no reasoning.
I swear i really try to but the bad ones really sting.
I struggle keeping thoughts in a positive direction.
But i swear i try, i really do, but i can't rid this infection.
Depression, depression, is what they've labeled me.
I wish i could contest but its too accurate you see.
The sun wont disappear just because the air is cool.
the water won't stop running just because the tub is full.
My point i guess is that i cannot ever make it stop.
I swear these thoughts will fill my head up till it finally pops
Its horribly overwhelming, and i don't know what to do.
I'm afraid its suffocating and won't stop till i am through.
Through with this, through with that, through with life Im guessing.
Through with trying, done with crying, done with these thoughts pressing.
I feel i must keep pushing forward, feel i must keep trying.
but its oh so hard to do when all your thoughts consist of dying.
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2017
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
... the child within me is the one who stands back up. My inner child is the bravest part of me. Because she is driven with a desperate hope & desire. She possesses true innocence, which drives a native faith that things will someday get better. The reason I'm alive, is because I don't have the heartt to break her spirit. Because, I cant bring myself to destroy the hope & purity she holds.
How dare I even consider killing off her drive, her purpose, & her beautiful tenacity. She possesses a light that most people could never exude themselves. She is a fire that burns intensely, while also offering her light & warmth to other's who need it. She's a warrior without even realizing it. She's hyper focused on her dreams of true happiness. And its inspiring others.
However, her hope is only alive because of her innocent ignorance. Because she hasn't seen what happen's next. That she to face what damage see next! She hasn't seen what darkness she has yet to face. What damage she will both receive, and deal out, under the pressure. She doesn't know that the voices get louder, or that the monsters get stronger. She doesn't know that the That people shell put her faith in will abandon her. That she'll be left to bleed by herself. She doesn't know that all those who she's shared her fire with had no intentions of giving in return. That she will be used until she's no longer needed. That she'll be ignored when she begs for help. That she'll be fighting for her life until her soul gives.
But worst of all, she doesn't know that shell look in the mirror someday and realize; that the monster she feared the most, that she fought the hardest to kill, was herself.
And theres only way to Finally End The War.
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2022
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
Many say that everyone gives up on them. The sad reality, is that all to often, this is painfully true.
But then, you find someone. Someone different. Someone who has endured more for you than anyone else has. Someone who has over & over proven to be true to you. Someone who has proven to be trustworthy, loyal, honest, & care for you through thick and thin. They hold tightly to you no matter what you throw at them, simply because they love you.
Now, picture that person physically embracing you. You hold them at first. But soon your arms start to grow tired. You begin to question it. "Why would this person so strongly embrace me, when everyone else has walked away?" You begin to lose faith in this person's promise to you. Although they continue to embrace you; you loosen your grip.
Further contemplating, you begin to doubt your own worth. Moreso, you second guess this other person that is so tightly bound to you, & you drop your arms to your side. Although they still hold you tightly, you continue to doubt: "Why should I put forth the effort for someone who will surely walk away?" You are certain that the effort's worthless. But despite convincing yourself that it's too good to be true, they still hold you tightly. They love you. They have no reason, nor desire, to leave you.
You don't understand why they are still there. It's almost bothersome. "Why are they still holding so tightly, when SURELY they will leave in the end?" It makes you uncomfortable, so you begin to pull away. But they just pull you back. They remind you that they are here to stay. They hold you tighter, & insist it will be okay. All they ask is that you have faith in them; as they have had faith in you.
You won't have it. You can't. So you begin to fight them off. But while you push, shove, and try to beat them away, they do not fight back; they only continue to hold you.
You finally manage to pry their arms off of you, but they barely catch you with their hands; & again pull you close.
You struggle & fight to rip them off of you. "Noone could possibly want to stay this badly, it doesn't make sense!" The thought of someone loving you so much doesn't seem real, so it scares you. You can't be hurt again. So you must fight off any potential heartache...
To be continued...
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2021
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
The voices tell me things that im not supposed to know,
Dirty little secrets that are delivered by the crow.
The voices in my head aren't simply "speaking" voices,
They're piercing, loud and pressing, whom are offering me choices.
The voices let me know that life is not the only option,
I try to shut them up, but theres no way that i can stop them.
Your voice is s'posed to nuture me and show me another junction,
But when you join the voices my mind can no longer function.
Your voice is meant to help me and pull me out of the dark,
But when you scream along with them, you leave much harsher marks.
Your voice is overwhelming, but not in a good way,
Your voice pushes me to the edge, when you should pull me away.
Im standing on this edge of sorts and looking to the sky,
I realise the voices were just teaching me to fly.
So now im here up in the air and finally looking down,
The voices were my wings and yours was gravity I've found.
So as im pulled back to the earth and i see where i am heading,
I wonder if youll see my corpse and find yourself regretting.
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2017
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
They say I am insane for repeating the same motions -
So why is not the moon; who always pulls the tides of oceans?
The seasons fall in pattern, for every year the bring the same -
So why condone their cycles... Sun, the Fall Leaves, Snow & Rain?
Some cycles are required for certain things to thrive -
Consistency? No, insanity, is what keeps some things alive.
But I am not the Moon and so, Alas, can't pull the waves -
So, sadly, my insanity shan't lead to better days.
I fail to know what separates the strong willed from deranged -
Perhaps, of course, just that alone is why I am insane.
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2022
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
Aspirations, goals, dreams. These are things that drive people. They invoke hope in peoples hearts Everyone has desires, wishes. And by holding people on to dreams & ideals of happy endings, are able to fight battles & trials they never thought they could. They take steps forward until they attain the success they worked for other people are offered growth.) and progress in return for tenacity. They gain pices to the puzzle that gives them their purpose, and that paints their dreams into reality.
Me? I fight. I've fought.
I've taken on and faced battles, wars, that I knew I'd need help fighting. But despite my efforts to plead with others, or to express my fears and needs, I always end up facing the army of demons inside me all alone.
Over time I've learned alot. And one of the biggest things I've learned is that I will always face the monsters alone. Despite the promises of support of Safety. I always find myself standing alone When the war is at its worst.
I had to Start fighting when I was as a child. I was terrified of the monsters. But I had dreams & goals to attain. I had the drive escape the war. To learn from my battle Wounds. To prove them wrong. To achieve happiness in so many ways.
I'm 26 now. I am battered, broken, and exhausted. Because I've been fighting the same monsters, the same demons, for nearly 3 decades now. During this war I've been distracted & deceived. I've tried claiming happiness that's been dangled in front of me; thinking it would help motivate me to keep fighting & chasing the dreams Ive held close since I was small. The dreams I've desperately battled for, and that I've lied to myself about.
But each time I think that the possession of happiness is mine, and I start to accept it as TRULY mine, I am stripped raw. I'm skinned of any shred of hope I fought for. Left to fight the war alone, with nothing but my fists. And despite my efforts to defend myself against the monsters, I am inevitably beaten to nothing each time; while trying to mend the wound left from my happiness being severed from my soul.
Me? I'm tired.
I've been fighting the same demons my whole life; and I've done it by myself. But what's crazy to me, is that every time I'm ready to just let them consume what's left of me...
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2022
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Chelsea Stufleben Poem
It's everywhere.
The darkness.
It engulfs me like a warm pool of water,
which is surrounded by frozen air.
I dip my head under, trying to achieve warmth.
It's quiet here, peaceful.
But before too long, it becomes harder to hold my breath.
I am now forced to either let the water swallow me, or come up to the bitter air to take in the violent cold.
If I return to surface, I'll be even colder than before.
My skin, dripping with my sins, will surely freeze among contact.
What do I do?
Although the water grows colder, it is still warm compared to the outside world.
I ponder my next move.
However, nothing could be as bad as the cold lingering above the water.
So I hold my breath.
Waiting for the water to wrap around and suffocate my soul.
Besides, it's safer down here right?
It's kept me warm this long.
Why turn away from the depths that have comforted me so?
Surely I'm safer here.
-Depression
Copyright © Chelsea Stufleben | Year Posted 2017
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