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Best Poems Written by Bart Jonas

Below are the all-time best Bart Jonas poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Armageddon Over Gentile U.S.Of A

As I was driving to work early morn
The Police and Fire fighters were cleaning their horn
in Preparation of a Certain Alert
Evacuation exercises while the Hunks take off their shirt
DUCK AND COVER:The Best of DVD has hit the store
To take you back to the MISSILE CRISIS before
You and Sally will be laughing on the floor
And then..MR CLEAN will wipe the debris off the door
Crime will heed to the Political greed
Mother Nature won't be bothered indeed
The "after-effects" will fade after a few million decade
Deorderent of choice:a Few billion cannisters of RAID
Momma is upset at the current STAGE 2 alert
She didn't have a chance to get ready for work
papa is filling his gut with morning beer
He knows it is wise to drink up while it's here
Turning to the Sports section just one final time
and then the BIG BANG as the Desperatos cross the Line
The children's corpses are still on their bed
Radioactive creepy crawlers have taken them by the head
Outrage
Chaos
Mayhem ensues
No more Katie Curic and the 6:30 evening news
Before I die,of Certainty this night..
One last Hurrah
to Hear Eric Clapton play the blues!

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Hate Them Love Handles

I am small
and gaining WEIGHT
from the chips that I had ATE
Just around the BEND(I can barely do that,FRIEND)
Gut around the MIDDLE while my nephew tells a RIDDLE
Exploding sudden  GAS  ,it came from my rotund ASS
Chicks no longer LOOK at this unsightly SCHNOOK
as I eat my TWINKIE,the underoos are getting STINKY
What do men and women FEAR-besides an enema to the REAR?
unbearable stomach SIZE of a fatso that we DESPISE
Mother wants to give son TREAT by buying hamburger,Burger King SWEET
Dom Deluise has shown me the WAY to get more pound and flab
by expanding every DAY
Spaghetti and a MEATBALL to placate hunger and it's tasty CALL

Love handles is a feeling WHICH..
I quite fear,
life can be an unfair -ITCH!!

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Where the Sidewalk Walks and Displays Dirty Talk

everywhere I try to walk
The cement is dirty
With the most outrageous talk
Slang here
F YOU's there
Mothers on the street
Obscenities everywhere
The thrill is lude
Trying hard to be rude
I am a Hyprocrite nitwit
it's so easy to conclude
The Cross around me
But my mouth needs some soap
Heckling and swearing
How can my ideology hope to cope
My own word
a cursory absurd
when will I sleep
and people stop calling me a nerd

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Doctor Plutonium

Prescribing a pinch of INFERNO
Add a mg of TNT
A Bomb a day will keep Eden far away
DEATH always cures the sinuses
SLEEP,DREAM,PRAY,SCREAM
And when you wake up
Mommy will give you a touch of NUCLEAR ICE CREAM

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Love Handles

Boy! am I a Lard
                                                  The Belly is soft with a flab
                                                  where once it used to be firm & hard
                                                  My appetite is eating just about every day
                                                  Sagging abs and the unsightly make way
                                                  French fries and mcnuggets on my plate
                                                  Looking for Ring Dings after a hardy meal I just ate
                                                  Love handles all around
                                                 The expanding waist,
                                                  after an unpleasant flatulent sound
                                                  The sound of opening Coca-Cola
                                                  And the M&Ms that I keep in my drawer
                                                  lets me off easy
                                                  I am filling up with The Doritos that's cheesy
                                                  Content with a junk food pleasant scent
                                                  Exploding gases which smell
                                                 and the 2nd coming of my very own movement

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Sagging Balls

I stripped down to my skivvies
Revealing all flab
Something is sagging
I think it's my BALLS
MAN! am I bummed
Can't examine the rear
Who would laugh
but the kids drinking beer
Their's are nice and firm
While ours is dragging skin
The bulge on my weenie
is old age coming in
When I go to the john
the diaper is smelly
especially the parts
that connect to the belly
When worse comes to worse
My uncle makes house calls
To the old and weary
geezers with sagging balls

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Our Side of the Peninsula(From the N.Korean Perspective)

We position the Taepo Dong I
on your friendly city
A press of our little Red button
it will soon be gone,what a pity!!
One arrogant Man has challenged
us with his AXIS OF EVIL brand
We're not allowed to have but one
But his country keeps a million
under their American Sun
DOUBLE STANDARD HYPOCRITE
There is no trust if you hug yours next to it
If "The Rogue Nations" as you say
"Give It Up",will you turn and blow them away?!
We must gamble to ensure the sake of our own survival
Judging us for a questionable sin
WHERE'S YOUR PROOF before our country caves in
Sanctions to starve our children
Hope in living is by selling "THEM" the fuse
You keep a few and more
Close at hand and right next door
If our nation choose to reply
Then you must eliminate your arsenal or many will surely die
That is how trust can be won
Moving and testing our Nuke
We have no choice but to Taunt and spook
Words from the wise
Remember them
before you send yours near our skies

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Cheating Behind One's Back(Can Get You Tied Up On the Track)

#This is  only a fictional limerink#
Connie "went" behind my advancing Back
 She went out with the girls and a little midnight snack
I found a gentleman's address,barely tucked away
My only surmise is that it was time for her to play
Newlyweds for just a little over a year
A tight sexy bod with a cute little rear

Always the maid but never the bride
When the rumour became true,
she found another boy to confide
Our daily e-mail is filled with the likes of Brad
A young Chippendale who's been driving her mad
Biceps and  those hardbody abs
I heard that no one could see,not a pound of sagging flabs
He still has got Hair,flowing neatly from the scalp up there
My own follicles gone but Connie just couldn't care
She hardly ever came home early ever since
Lady Mrs.Wheeling,has found a much younger Prince

Stealing away,
a fellow's innocent heart
She wants it from a Babe
Instead of an aging old fart
20-somethings are easier to fool
Give them a Hot Mama
Constantly breaking the Golden Rule
And after "that" has been done
His wallet is gone
it's the end of His Frolicking Fun
It is easy to tease
and plunder his finances with careful Ease

I called the Firing Squad(My Sisters have no mercy)
To rip off her Skirt and then  ..the Horny percy
Rita,Sue,and Big Laura,too
Grabbed Connie by her booty
And her Lover,you-know-who
Taking them down to the old Train station
I began to smile with devious anticipation
The 4:00 bullet will be arriving,it's a matter of fact

IF A WIFE (OR A SPOUSE)CHEATS BEHIND ONE'S BACK
THE END RESULT WILL GET ONE TIED UP ON THE TRACK!!

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

Dance of the Boogeymen(An Unusual Halloween Hors D'Oeuvre)

Twirling around and around in the Night Sphere
Creepy eyes that scream out for a Partner in Loungerie
Two
plus 2
6 and then Twenty
The Boogeymen of the night
Catching the souls of the departed in flight
Sending them to the loneliest corner of Hell
With a Dunce Cap on every head that read:
HERE YOU ARE STUPID..AMONG THE ZOMBIES AND THEIR DEAD
A quiet empty trio of fools who did not play it cool while they were alive
Who refused to submit to the booze,the Pot,and all that Open Up Jive
Sweethearts on the dance floor where the Dead party all without a smile
Takes us back to that Halloween Trick or Treat town,at least for a little while
Mothers swing their Fathers
The Grim Reapers do their do-si-do
Harper Valley 1-800-NEXT-OF-KIN
Biting Teeth on a Harker Jonathan
Sipping blood with a grinning Mina
She is lovely in that shade of dead
Vein vessel blood all around her neckTAR and thy Head
Here in the ram shackled Studio 50 for DEAD
Dancers are the Boogeyshoes
With one eye alive and the other socket popped out
Sleep Deadly tonight Beneath the full moon and the Tango of cold Harvest Fright

Details | Bart Jonas Poem

An Old Man(0f 37 Years)trying To Fit Into His Jock-E-Shorts

Each day that I get up and greet the new dawn
Posing at the mirror,first..to see what changes have been going on
My eyes cannot look at what lies before me
55'waist on a 5ft 7 frame
These hands reach into the old treasure chest in the closet
I open it up and there before me is
A Superman comic(circa 1986-A CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTH crossover)
12 vhs tapes of STAR TREK,the original series(courtesy of Paramount Pictures)
An E.T.The ExtraTerrestial costume that mom made for me
and of course,the most treasured possession of all:
A FRUIT-OF-THE-LOOM jockey short that I wore throughout Freshman and
Sophomore year in High School
The DIRTY jokes that my Classmen used to tell
Old and disgusting chewing gum sticking to the toilet bowl with this note:

BERNIE&CHRISTINE,SITTING UP ON THAT TREE..K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

I hold up that smelly jockey garment from long ago to my expanding waist
Now I do know WHEN and WHERE the years did go
too much partying with the cubicle nerds
PAPA GINO'S and A&W root beer just lying around for some aging X'er to take
a bite and a gulp
Every night before I trot off to sleep,the hemorrhoids keep acting up
disturbing the many custard pie remnants that exhale from the behind
Mother told me that too much of that would be Dangerous,sickening,and unkind
I can't help it if I do not want to let go of my young appetite,as yet
Creatures from the old yearbook,Ravishingly young and wile
It brings forth a pleasant memory and before I am off to dreamland
This face offers up,one more juvenile smile,from yesteryear
GOOD NIGHT