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Ralph Protsik Poem
(Sung to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan’s "The Duke of Plaza Toro," from The Gondoliers)
When all the land did take a stand
When bugs we all were fighting
He led the nation from behind
(He found it more exciting)
But when it came to placing blame
His place was in the fore, O!
That pixilated
Bloviated
Overrated
President
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
When faced with real facts, ha, ha!
He never had our backs, ha, ha!
That pixilated
Bloviated
Overrated
Dunderhead
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
Each day in dress he’d meet the press
And boast of all he’d finished
In voice so loud it dulled the crowd
He somehow seemed diminished
He’d rant and howl and shake his jowl
“It’s perfect,” he would roar, O!
That dissipated
Aberrated
Coronated
Pompadour
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
In the first and foremost fight, ha, ha!
He never did what’s right, ha, ha!
That dissipated
Aberrated
Coronated
Chucklehead
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
With jobless rolls and sinking polls
He turned to Doctor Fauci
How could he guess that Dr. F
Would come across so grouchy?
He told what’s true when lies would do
And made The Boss look poor, O!
That hair a’glowin’
Waist a’growin’
Facts unknowin’
Imbecile
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
He promised us a fix, ha, ha!
Then left us in the sticks, ha, ha!
That hair a’showin'
Skin a’glowin’
Waist a’growin’
Nincompoop
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
When to evade destruction’s hand
To act they all proceeded
He told the guvs to just wear gloves
That masks weren’t really needed
Those gowns and gear and outerwear
He’d keep them all in store, O!
That unelected
Disconnected
Misdirected
Idiot
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
To all us simple folks, ha! ha!
He told us it’s a hoax, ha! ha!
That unaffected
Disconnected
Misdirected
Knucklehead
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
He had a plan our man of tan
On Easter Day to open
“This virus, hey, got in my way
It’s not what I was hopin’
But worry not for I have got
A drug to vanquish gore,” O!
That vegetated
Radiated
Pustulated
Counterfeit
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
To men of grosser clay, ha, ha!
He always showed the way, ha, ha!
That vegetated
Radiated
Pustulated
Charlatan
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
To men of grosser clay, ha, ha!
He always showed the way, ha, ha!
That vegetated
Radiated
Pustulated
Dissipated
Aberrated
Coronated
Pixilated
Bloviated
Overrated
Unelected
Unaffected
Disconnected
Misdirected
Hair a’growin’
Skin a’glowin’
Waist a’growin’
Facts unknowin’
Bozo
The Duke of Mar-a-Lago
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
The Dachshund’s a marvel on skis
Little legs that stop short of its knees
It can schuss like a pro
Making furrows in snow
(Though its privates are given to freeze)
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
A mutt may show up with a rat
Do some terrible things to your hat
But he’s happy for sure
Just to roll in manure
And so grateful that he’s not a cat
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
The Spaniel
A Spaniel that uses its head
Can tell when its owner’s unfed
So instead of a duck
That is down on its luck
Will deliver a pizza instead
The Afghan Hound
The Afghan’s a dog groomer’s joy
The definitive Lord Fauntleroy
But with all that coiffure
One is never quite sure
If the “she” is a girl or a boy
The Airedale Terrier
Airedale, king of the terriers
Domain without borders or barriers
Stubborn and proud
On alert, never cowed
Justly known for their cute little derrières
The Basenji
A Basenji may giggle or snark
Chat with pigeons it meets in the park
From the moment it wakes
Oh, the noises it makes!
Just don’t ever expect it to bark
The Basset Hound
Is it sorrow in canine disguise?
Is it pity empathic and wise?
Or is it not either
Nor sympathy neither
But hunger we see in its eyes?
The Border Collie
It was not Albert Einstein who dared
To think E = mc2
But rather a Border
Who brought cosmic order
One morning while out with his laird
The Bulldog
My Bulldog won’t frolic or fetch
His face may cause others to kvetch
But he’s gentle and sweet
With the kids on the street
And the ladies all think I’m a ketch
The Chihuahua and Great Dane
Chihuahuas and Danes one surmises
Are extremes when it comes to their sizes
The one is so small
It is nothing at all
While the other is big and wins prizes
The Corgi
The Corgi is not one to hurry
Much preferring a stroll to a flurry
If you happen by chance
To invite one to dance
He’ll say, “Hey, I am not Arthur Murray!”
The Dachshund
The Dachshund’s a marvel on skis
Little legs that stop short of its knees
It can schuss like a pro
Making furrows in snow
(Though its privates are given to freeze)
The Doberman Pinscher
A Doberman’s known to be picky
With friends so to greet one is tricky
To kiss is a bummer
Undoubtedly dumber
Is to sneak up and give one a hickey
The Irish Setter
He’s Irish not Scottish or British
You forget, he’ll get ornery and skittish
He’ll point to his pelt
Start swearing in Celt
With a splash of some Gaelic and Yiddish
The Jack Russell Terrier
A packet of fizz the Jack Russell
Full of dashing and daring and bustle
With engine on race
And the world left to chase
Any wonder he makes such a fussle?
The Labrador Retriever (Lab)
The Lab a friend gave to his daughter
Had a chronic aversion to water
He’d cling to the shore
Like a rug to the floor
To avoid making waves like he oughter
The Mastiff
The Mastiff’s a glorious sight
With a name that exemplifies might
Now imagine this house
The size of a mouse
A “toy mastiff” just doesn’t sound right
The Mutt
A mutt may show up with a rat
Do some terrible things to your hat
But he’s happy for sure
Just to roll in manure
And so grateful that he’s not a cat
The Norwegian Elkhound
Look honey, look what I found!
It’s an orphaned Norwegian elkhound!
He’ll be easy to raise
With some love and some praise
And a pasture that serves as a pound
The Old English Sheepdog
I’m partial to dogs that are shaggy
That are goofy and sweet and not naggy
They only see good
From their eyes under hood
And a tail that longs to be waggy
*Like Boxers, their tails are docked
The Papillon
Considered more missy than mensch
(Butterfly’s the translation from French)
In private is seen
With a king or a queen
And in public with Dame Judi Dench
The Pekingese
At a Cantonese restaurant with luck
One can still find some things for a buck
But imagine my shock
When the place down the block
Ran a special on Pekingese duck
The Pomeranian (Pom)
The Pom is a kind of a spitz
A Chihuahua with fur in a ditz
The type of a pooch
You can cuddle and smooch
Or show off with a date at the Ritz
The Poodle
The Poodle is known for its smarts
For excelling at music and arts
But an owner was telling
Me after the smelling
They also blow nuclear farts
The Rhodesian Ridgeback
I bought one of these for a dollar
It said Phi Beta Kap on its collar
I later found out
(Though not without doubt)
It had been a Rhodesian scholar
The Saint Bernard
Though not in his nature to beg
He would flip for a sip from the keg
Of the rum or the brandy
That dangles so handy
His lips near the tips of the peg
The Schnauzer
The word that we’ve heard about Schnauzers
Is they’re famously shallow carousers
The truth is we’re jealous
Of these amorous fellas:
We’d love to be wearing their trousers
The Shar-Pei and Shih Tzu
Shar-Peis and Shih Tzus tantamounts?
They look nothing alike where it counts
One’s wrinkle, one’s dimple
Yet kinship is simple:
Their names are so fun to pronounce
The Shetland Sheepdog
A Sheltie is likely to herd
Any creature that’s mammal or bird
Except for a CAT
(Fuggitabout THAT)
Even shelties are known to cry “merde!”
The Yorkshire Terrier (Yorkie)
The Yorkie has visions of grandeur
Such that bigger dogs simply can’t stand her
She’ll nip at their heels
Abscond with their meals
And then yap ‘til she raises their dander
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
(Updated in such form that Cole Porter would sue)
[Intro]
Times have changed
And we've often rewound the clock
Since Nixon got the shock
When he crashed on Daley’s bloc
If today
Any shock they should try to stem
'Stead of crashing on Daley’s bloc
Daley’s bloc would crash on them
[Verse 1]
In olden days the missing ballots
Would wind up on warehouse pallets
Now, heaven knows
Anything goes
When today a quite delusional POTUS
Will lean on a friendly SCOTUS
Well, there she blows
Anything goes
A race decided by the voters
Is now with the hoax promoters
Who run the show
So anything goes
[Bridge 1]
If voting twice you like
If some vice you like
If “aw shucks” you like
If big bucks you like
If Ted Cruz you like
If fake news you like
Why, it’s totally apropos . . .
[Verse 2]
When you turn away from common mores
To buy into wacky stories
Well, I suppose
Anything goes
When ev'ry month the PAC that's smart is
Supporting the Grand Old Party’s
Picks, goes to show
Anything goes
If you need a signature in Georgia
Just tell ‘em and they will forge ya’
One like the pros
Anything goes
[Bridge 2]
If boxes stuffed you like
If counting muffed you like
If ballot mules you like
If network fools you like
If Chinese hacks you like
If Super PACs you like
Why, wait for another blow . . .
[Verse 3]
When faced with waves of sham electors
Confronted by fraud detectors
Why, then you know
Anything goes
If voter fraud should fry your fanny
And tallies sound Pakistani
Then, heaven knows
Anything goes
Those mail-in votes sure look suspicious
They may end up injudicious
And so it goes
Anything goes
[Bridge 3]
Just think of those shocks you've got
And those knocks you've got
And those blues you've got
From the news you've got
And those pains you've got
(If any brains you've got)
Left after the Tucker Show
[Verse 4]
Campaigners, too, who once knew better words
Now only use four-letter words
Scandal grows
Anything goes
Look out for guys who sound too brainy
And broads with the name of Cheney
Or heaven knows
Anything goes
[Bridge 4]
The world’s gone mad today
And good's bad today
And black's white today
And day's night today
And that gent today
You gave a cent today
Will soon be serving 10 or so
[Verse 5]
So cast your vote and do your duty
Remember you’ve still got Rudy
Just goes to show
Anything goes
© 2023 by Ralph Protsik. All rights reserved.
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
The Labradoodle
It’s clear that the scamp is a Poodle
By its frolicsome dabble and doodle
But add a big part
Of the Labrador’s heart
And you’ve got the whole kit and caboodle
The Labrador Retriever (Lab)
The Lab a friend gave to his daughter
Had a chronic aversion to water
He’d cling to the shore
Like a rug to the floor
To avoid making waves like he oughter
The Lagotto Romagnolo
It caused quite a local kerfuffle
When he called a potato a truffle*
By the time it was done
A committee of one
Went and cancelled his license to snuffle
(*known for their skill at finding truffles)
The Leonberger
There are dogs that are bigger than these
Like some Mastiffs and Great Pyrenees
But few are more stately
Or admired more greatly
For their grace and perpetual ease
The Lhasa Apso
Just repeat: Lhasa apso not ipso
That’s a facto: I’m sharing this tip so
You don’t make a flub
With the whole Lhasa Club
While they contemplate your membership so
The Maltese
I once knew a Maltese named Tawny
Who was quick and ill-tempered and scrawny
While protecting a crumb
Nearly took off my thumb
Now he sleeps with the fish in the Suwannee
The Mastiff
The Mastiff’s a glorious sight
With a name that exemplifies might
Now imagine this house
The size of a mouse
A “toy mastiff” just doesn’t sound right
The Mutt
A mutt may show up with a rat
Do some terrible things to your hat
But he’s happy for sure
Just to roll in manure
And so grateful that he’s not a cat
The Newfoundland (Newfie)
One day on the nearby horizon
He encountered an ornery bison*
And though it was large
The Newfie took charge
Mattered not what the difference in size in
The Norwegian Elkhound
Look honey, look what I found!
It’s an orphaned Norwegian elkhound!
He’ll be easy to raise
With some love and some praise
And a pasture that serves as a pound
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
The Rottweiler
I wouldn’t provoke a Rottweiler
Not unless I were prepped like a miler
Seems a little inbreeding
Done without heeding
Has turned Benji into a Sieg Heiler
The Saint Bernard
Though not in his nature to beg
He would flip for a sip from the keg
Of the rum or the brandy
That dangles so handy
His lips near the tips of the peg
The Samoyed
Samoyed, now that sounds exotic
Is it some kind of breed that’s aquatic?
Or is it a fox
That’s come out of a box
With its pigments all pale and sclerotic?
The Schnauzer
The word that we’ve heard about Schnauzers
Is they’re famously shallow carousers
The truth is we’re jealous
Of these amorous fellas:
We’d love to be wearing their trousers
The Scottish Terrier
Though Airedales are larger and peerless
They can’t match a Scottie as fearless
And because they’re aloof
And will ration a “woof”
They’re the dog you are likely to hear less
The Shar-Pei and Shih Tzu
Shar-Peis and Shih Tzus tantamounts?
They look nothing alike where it counts
One’s wrinkle, one’s dimple
Yet kinship is simple:
Their names are so fun to pronounce
The Shetland Sheepdog
A Sheltie is likely to herd
Any creature that’s mammal or bird
Except for a CAT
(Fuggitabout THAT)
Even shelties are known to cry “merde!”
The Shiba Inu
We still haven’t managed to glean
What the words “Shiba Inu” quite mean
They may have to do
With a brand of shampoo
Which explains why they’re always so clean
The Siberian Husky
He cries to his team, “On you Huskies!”
Far from Nome all the way to the Russkies
Display all your daring
Make haste ‘cross the Bering
‘Cause you’re not just Siberian you’re USkies!
The Vizsla
The Vizsla is one of those breeds
That’s packaged in binary speeds
When off it will sleep
Like your average sheep
But when on will do mischievous deeds
The Weimaraner
In comparing the fleet Weimaraner
With its peers such as Blitzen and Donner
Please note in your pick
Though the reindeer are quick
To this dog a light jog spells dishonor
The West Highland White Terrier (Westie)
Though he’s found on some Isle of Skye lands
His home is the far Western Highlands
He’s proud to be Scot
So he’ll spot every plot
From Dundee to the Hebrides Islands
The Whippet
They were trained to run after a rag*
Which to them was a bit of a drag
So they’d bolt from their slip
At a pretty good clip
And pretend they were chasing a stag
The Yorkshire Terrier (Yorkie)
The Yorkie has visions of grandeur
Such that bigger dogs simply can’t stand her
She’ll nip at their heels
Abscond with their meals
And then yap ‘til she raises their dander
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
Is it sorrow in canine disguise?
Is it pity empathic and wise?
Or is it not either
Nor sympathy neither
But hunger we see in its eyes?
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever (Toller)
To “toll” is to dance like a fox
Luring mallards or teals to the rocks
Where a hunter’s awaiting
What the dog has been baiting
Scaring duckies right out of their jocks
The Old English Sheepdog
I’m partial to dogs that are shaggy
That are goofy and sweet and not naggy
They only see good
From their eyes under hood
So it’s sad that their tails aren’t waggy*
*Like Boxers, their tails are docked
The Papillon
Considered more missy than mensch
(Butterfly’s the translation from French)
In private is seen
With a king or a queen
And in public with Dame Judi Dench
The Pekingese
At a Cantonese restaurant with luck
One can still find some things for a buck
But imagine my shock
When the place down the block
Ran a special on Pekingese duck
The Petite Basset Griffon Vendéen (PBGV)
Le Basset tres Petite Vendéen
Un Griffón compagnon de Cézanne
Et Renoir en Provence
*Comme ils lounge lors d’une danse
On the grass with a glass of Marsanne
(*As they lounge during a dance)
The Pit Bull
The Pitty despite what you hear
Is not vicious at all but quite dear
It will sit like a dove
With its eyes full of love
While it slowly devours your ear
The Pomeranian (Pom)
The Pom is a kind of a spitz
A Chihuahua with fur in a ditz
The type of a pooch
You can cuddle and smooch
Or show off with a date at the Ritz
The Poodle
The Poodle is known for its smarts
For excelling at music and arts
But an owner was telling
Me after the smelling
They also blow nuclear farts
The Portuguese Water Dog
Pity the poor Portuguese
Who ended up sheets to the breeze
His bowl had been spiked
With a port that he liked
You could tell by the smell of his fleas
The Pug
Behold the repug-a-nant Pug
With a mug that resembles a thug
Though their owners observe
What they really deserve
Is not scorn but a cuddling hug
The Rhodesian Ridgeback
I bought one of these for a dollar
It said Phi Beta Kap on its collar
I later found out
(Though not without doubt)
It had been a Rhodesian scholar
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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Ralph Protsik Poem
A packet of fizz the Jack Russell
Full of dashing and daring and bustle
With engine on race
And the world left to chase
Any wonder he makes such a fussle?
Copyright © Ralph Protsik | Year Posted 2023
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