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Long poem by Teppo Gren | Details |

BIO T J GREN part 04 03 Loving her was another

July 1975, Mount Druitt, Sydney, Australia

Everything in my life seemed to be in place now and going beautifully. The most important part which had been missing in my life, love, had now been fulfilled. It seemed incredible that only three weeks had passed since I had met Johanna. Those three weeks had been the most wonderful time of my life. And what was even better, was that even more wonderful togetherness was still to come. I was feeling excit-ed and ecstatic. We were still in the beginning stages of our relationship and I could hardly wait how our love would grow into a deeper, more meaningful and intimate togetherness. 

But after three weeks of dating Johanna something seemed to go wrong at a time when she had just moved into her own rental apartment in Burwood. I always took her home after folk dancing practice on Wednesdays, but this time she said that she didn’t need a lift. I was surprised and even more so I was disappointed. After we finished practice there was a white Holden station wagon with black curtains covering the side windows waiting for her. She got in the car and the car took off. I did not see who was driving it.

It was a clear message, but I didn’t realize it fully until the next day. I felt uneasy throughout the night, and the same uneasiness continued and increased during the day at work. At lunchtime I left the build-ing site at Parramatta and drove to Burwood to see Johanna to confront her as to what was going on and why I felt so ill at ease. I went to the door of Johanna’s apartment and knocked on the door but there was no reply. I knew that Johanna didn’t have a job, so I thought she must just be out somewhere. I thought I would wait around near Burwood and come back to try again in a little while. I went to a café for a drink. It was my lunchtime but I didn’t order anything to eat as the uneasy feeling I had was get-ting worse and took away my appetite. After a while I wondered back to Johanna’s apartment building outside of which I parked my car again. That’s when I saw the white Holden station wagon with the black curtains covering the side windows. Now I got really worried. I went up to Johanna’s apartment and knocked on the door. Again there was no reply, but I thought I heard a noise from inside indicating that she was there. I kept on knocking and finally Johanna came to open the door. She was wearing a robe although it was already past midday.

I told Johanna the reason I had come to see her. That I was feeling uneasy about her leaving like that the previous evening and that I needed to understand what was going on. Johanna said that I came at a bad time. At the same time I heard a sound of movement in the bedroom and it all became clear to me. I had caught Johanna at a bad time because she was having sex with another guy. I was devastated. She ex-plained that the previous night had been a direct message from her to indicate what was happening. We didn’t continue the discussion any further and she said it would be best for me to leave. I was happy to do so. I had to get out of there. I had made a fool of myself. I felt so stupid. I was being courteous with her not making sexual advances. Now I realized how stupid I was. That’s what she had wanted and ex-pected.

Many different feelings were going through my head as I got back to work. I was disappointed. I felt stupid. I felt betrayed. I felt anger. I felt anger towards Johanna for doing this to me, for not saying what she wanted from me. I felt anger at myself for being so stupid, naïve and inexperienced. I felt dis-traught for losing the feeling of love which I had for so long sought. I felt pain for having my dreams shattered.

Back at the building site I was stripping the formwork from a meter high concrete wall. The vertical tim-ber supports were slightly longer than a meter and went over the formwork plywood. Instead of using the crowbar as it was supposed to be used, I used it like a baseball bat with all my force to bang the sup-port timbers with the end of the crowbar to send them flying. I was angry. I was in pain. Letting out steam physically gave only slight relief. I felt the pain of love: I was burnt and hurt. I had started to learn about love from Johanna but being the fool I was, I was expecting happiness ever after between us: blissfulness and togetherness. But it was all a lie. My heart was not strong enough to take a lot of pain and thus it was left wounded and scarred. Fittingly, in 1975 the Nazareth hit “Love hurts” was released and played on the radio expressing the emotions I felt on this July day.

"love hurts, love scars, 
love wounds, and mars,
any heart, not tough,
or strong, enough
to take a lot of pain,
take a lot of pain
love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

I'm young, I know,
but even so
I know a thing, or two
I learned, from you
I really learned a lot,
really learned a lot
love is like a flame
it burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

some fools think of happiness
blissfulness, togetherness
some fools fool themselves I guess
they're not foolin' me

I know it isn't true, 
I know it isn't true
love is just a lie, 
made to make you blue
love hurts, ooh,ooh love hurts
ooh,ooh love hurts

I know it isn't true, 
I know it isn't true
love is just a lie, 
made to make you blue
love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts
ooh ooh love hurts
ooh ooh..."

That wonderful feeling of falling in love had now been shattered and turned into shear misery. Same as two years ago when Kimberley had rejected with her lovely letter, I did not want my mother, or anyone else for that matter, to see the pain was I was feeling. I kept the pain within me and I didn’t want any-one to know: I did not cry. But deep within me I was screaming from pain. My heart was crying: it was crying profusely. For three weeks I had been happy. Now all I had left was the heartache and pain.

Copyright © Teppo Gren | Year Posted 2016


Long poem by J. W. Earnings | Details |

Give Me a Second to Breathe part 2

Pre-chorus: Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe and feel a pleasant sensation
Drench me with your waterfall of wonderfulness 
You refuse to do so and you douse me in dismay and I'm left in my solitary wilderness

Chorus: Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
I need to breathe in happiness and breathe out sadness
I'm dealing with a fistful of frustration that brings hardly any satisfaction
I need to breathe in gladness and breathe out distress...that threw into a misery mess
I don't care if I have the face my fears everyday 
I do care for you, if only you'd wipe away my dismay 
Give me a second to breathe in ease
I'll just do whatever I please while you act like a tease

Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe, so I can keep up with my eager heart, beating with anticipation
Give me a second to breathe and feel a pleasant sensation

Chorus: Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
I need to breathe in happiness and breathe out sadness
I'm dealing with a fistful of frustration that brings hardly any satisfaction
I need to breathe in gladness and breathe out distress...that threw into a misery mess
I don't care if I have the face my fears everyday 
I do care for you, if only you'd wipe away my dismay 
Give me a second to breathe in ease
I'll just do whatever I please while you act like a tease

Verse 5: My luck runs low and I can't remember the last time I was happy
You sucked the positivity out of my mind and you scorched me with foolish passions so temporary 
You were sweet as sugar, yet bitter like wormwood honestly 
Endless night has fallen upon us
Wishing we're in the same bus 
You lassoed me with your lament that night when you cried silently
Instead of breathing in and out, dip your head in the waters of wisdom and hold your breath...you'll see...
Wonders beyond what your sight can capture 
I know our futures are a mighty blur...

Pre-chorus: Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe and feel a pleasant sensation
Drench me with your waterfall of wonderfulness 
You refuse to do so and you douse me in dismay and I'm left in my solitary wilderness 

Chorus: Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe and feel a pleasant sensation
Drench me with your waterfall of wonderfulness 
You refuse to do so and you douse me in dismay and I'm left in my solitary wilderness 
Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
I need to breathe in happiness and breathe out sadness
I'm dealing with a fistful of frustration that brings hardly any satisfaction
I need to breathe in gladness and breathe out distress...that threw into a misery mess
I don't care if I have the face my fears everyday 
I do care for you, if only you'd wipe away my dismay 
Give me a second to breathe in ease
I'll just do whatever I please while you act like a tease

Bridge 2: Just let nature nourish our saturated souls that sponge in pain
Right from the start, you were the golden grain that thirsts for healing rain
Don't worry - God will take great care of you
Don't fret or sweat it - I am going to remain standing with you, no matter what we go through 
Give me a second to breathe...for I'm getting over my love flu that paints my spirits blue, not yellow
You fixed me like you were the mechanic, repairing a wreck of a car and you made me shine aglow
You told me that I am handsome all the time I looked in the mirror and told myself I looked hideous...somehow, you let my confidence grow
Low self-esteem is thrown out the bathroom window 
You're unpredictable like the wicked wind...not going with the flow, wondering where you blow, you know? 

Pre-chorus: Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
Give me a second to breathe and feel a pleasant sensation
Drench me with your waterfall of wonderfulness 
You refuse to do so and you douse me in dismay and I'm left in my solitary wilderness

Chorus: Give me a second to breathe...feeling this tension, this hesitation 
I need to breathe in happiness and breathe out sadness
I'm dealing with a fistful of frustration that brings hardly any satisfaction
I need to breathe in gladness and breathe out distress...that threw into a misery mess
I don't care if I have the face my fears everyday 
I do care for you, if only you'd wipe away my dismay 
Give me a second to breathe in ease
I'll just do whatever I please while you act like a tease

Verse 6: I want you to know that I need space for now, so leave me alone 
Give me some time to think things through clearly...give me a reason to live
Give me a minute to breathe until I can't breathe anymore...on my own...you didn't answer your phone 
Let me see this dilemma in the right perspective - let me take pace in this race of who to forgive
I will forgive you for leaving me behind
Felt jaded many times, so I don't mind 
I miss you, breathing here with me
I miss you, holding me tight, never setting me free
That's the way it should've been...
I must move on and repent of holding on to sin
My heart deep within has cradled faith close,
But it's paper-thin, so I, the hopeless boy, get hunted down by lows that haunt me with past humiliating woes
Defeated and dejected 
Give me a second to breathe in hope and breathe out dread

Copyright © J. W. Earnings | Year Posted 2015


Long poem by J. W. Earnings | Details |

Used As An Experiment

Used As an Experiment

THE SILENCE IS BREAKING MEEEE….CAN’T YOU SEE?


V.1: Strong AS STEEL, wrapped up with silver, heartfelt ribbons
Give it to me – the rope of hope
You smoked me out like a cigarette…
Used like I’m an experiment…I mope…I mope…
I’ve been ruined a thousand times
Yet, I stayed strong – I never cried a tear

(pre-chorus)
You’re getting by – I’ll let you through and go ahead and commit your 
crimes!
I have no fear in my young heart…I don’t bottle up fear
And I ain’t gonna shed a tear for you 
I’ll keep searching for the light with or without you
(pre-chorus)
You’re getting by – I’ll let you through and go ahead and commit your 
crimes!
I have no fear in my young heart…I don’t bottle up fear
And I ain’t gonna shed a tear for you 
I’ll keep searching for the light with or without you

(chorus)
What am I supposed to do? 
Your hate internalized in me…
Don’t ask me to change – I sift out every single lie
Because I won’t stop believing in the Lord Most High
I burned in the dense flames, 
I churned…in the ocean of blames…
Remorse, calling me names

V.2: I bleed…you were my disease once upon a time
Visiting rehab in my head…
Addicted to you like a drug…
Abused and moved by you….
I don’t care about me anymore…
Disaster unfolds, trapped in your scorching RIBCAGE…
Restoring rage….you called me hideous names behind your breath
I’m like an absurd bird, longing to fly out of her cage
Now, I get you…I get your motives of abandoning me…. 
You neglected me…you stubborn, attention-seeker
You never listened to my acknowledging complements 

(pre-chorus)
You’re getting by – I’ll let you through and go ahead and commit your 
crimes!
I have no fear in my young heart…I don’t bottle up fear
And I ain’t gonna shed a tear for you 
I’ll keep searching for the light with or without you

(chorus)
What am I supposed to do? 
Your hate internalized in me…
Don’t ask me to change – I sift out every single lie
Because I won’t stop believing in the Lord Most High
I burned in the dense flames, 
I churned…in the ocean of blames…
Remorse, calling me names

V.3: You ditched me with heartless selfishness in your heart – you’re a 
devil! 
Your lips soaked up the poison in your heart…it cements
Deep inside of you…deep down inside…
Wait for me, so I can keep up with you…
I don’t care about me anymore…
Disaster unfolds, trapped in your RIBCAGE…
Restoring rage….burning wild like wild sage…
I’m like an absurd bird, longing to fly out of his cage
Don’t discard me – give your heart a break
Don’t hurt me – for Mount Heaven’s sake!

(pre-chorus)
 You’re getting by – I’ll let you through and go ahead and commit your 
crimes!
I have no fear in my young heart…I don’t bottle up fear
And I ain’t gonna shed a tear for you 
I’ll keep searching for the light with or without you

(chorus)
What am I supposed to do? 
Your hate internalized in me…
Don’t ask me to change – I sift out every single lie
Because I won’t stop believing in the Lord Most High
I burned in the dense flames, 
I churned…in the ocean of blames…
Remorse, calling me names

V.4: Loving you ain’t easy, that’s for shore…we never were a fine pair (you 
only lived for your own satisfactions)
Blameworthy – I seem to be these days
Get up from the ground and think better about your actions (For all I’ve 
stood for, you were never appreciative…I swam lonely in the pool of misery 
and despair)
Next time, leave the front door…
I’ve been wandering in the maze of bewilderment
Find your own way out of my labyrinth of lament
Dare to wonder where I’ve been?
In the cave of sin…caved in by sin…
Getting devoured in the lion’s den…

(pre-chorus)
 You’re getting by – I’ll let you through and go ahead and commit your 
crimes!
I have no fear in my young heart…I don’t bottle up fear
And I ain’t gonna shed a tear for you 
I’ll keep searching for the light with or without you

(chorus)
What am I supposed to do? 
Your hate internalized in me…
Don’t ask me to change – I sift out every single lie
Because I won’t stop believing in the Lord Most High
I burned in the dense flames, 
I churned…in the ocean of blames…
Remorse, calling me names

V.5: I don’t care anymore…
Disaster unfolds, trapped in your RIBCAGE…
Restoring rage…burning bright like a star with a tattooed scar
It feels so wrong to be in the dark, so far…so far…
Away from your charms…your warm, cuddly arms…
So far, I’ve been digging deep in your soul…
Anxiety banging at my skull…skull…
In my mind and heart again
Forget and forgive 
Feed the flames of uncertainty
You don’t deserve to die or live
Where shall I flee? Free me…

(pre-chorus)
 You’re getting by – I’ll let you through and go ahead and commit your 
crimes!
I have no fear in my young heart…I don’t bottle up fear
And I ain’t gonna shed a tear for you 
I’ll keep searching for the light with or without you
(pre-chorus)
 You’re getting by – I’ll let you through and go ahead and commit your 
crimes!
I have no fear in my young heart…I don’t bottle up fear
And I ain’t gonna shed a tear for you 
I’ll keep searching for the light with or without you

(chorus)
What am I supposed to do? 
Your hate internalized in me…
Don’t ask me to change – I sift out every single lie
Because I won’t stop believing in the Lord Most High
I burned in the dense flames, 
I churned…in the ocean of blames…
Remorse, calling me names

V.6: Yet, I stayed strong – I never cried a tear
I’ve been ruined a thousand times
Used like I’m an experiment…I mope…I mope…
You smoked me out like a cigarette…
Give it to me – the rope of hope
On my own, feeling like I don’t belong – wrapped up with blue, heartless 
ribbons


THE DISTRESS ABYSS IS SUCKING ME UP – RELEASE MEEEEE….

Copyright © J. W. Earnings | Year Posted 2014


Long poem by J. W. Earnings | Details |

The Inception: The Dark Side of Me

I’m broke without your love to repair me…

My young heart breaks into two and you push on the brakes…

Three strikez…you’re owt…. Get lost….that is my only plea

Our lives were at stake and we were taking way tooooo many risks…for my cat’s 9 sakes

We were 1…whatever happened to that?
Who release the rat? Was that you, cat?
We are 2…what’s wrong with you? 
Why did you lose your other shoe?
There it goes again…. ……… 

Let the pain I inflict upon you 
Internalize for a second or two
You filled my cup half empty…
You ran me over by words of deception
Why did I fall in love so easily? 
How come I fall victim to you?
Flames of uncertainty overwhelm my heart…
This is only the inception
Get up from the ground, you sheepish animal
Try your best to lift your head above the surface
Dead carcasses of negativity surround you now…
Your only hope is to grab the rope of hope,
But first let me grab it for you…
*we’re made as one…body….* said the voice in my head … …. …….. ……..
You need to rest on my shoulders for the meantime
Shocked out of the bloo…. Left without a clue
Don’t touch me…don’t lust over me…
I can see dirty secrets in your eyes of envious glee…
You knocked me out by your avalanching grace
Thought of you, drowning in the waters of woe…
You touched my heart in many ways…
You blew things into proportion…but it was “one of dose dayz”
You don’t even get the clues that I show you right in your face
I reveal to you my heart’s passion
And…you….tore…me…apart….
Can…you….just…take…heart….?
You take over me…you haunt me…
I step forward and you step backward…
Breathe into me…let me borrow your eyes…
Let me view the world in your eyes…
I want to know something…
I’m curious of what lies behind your sea-whirling eyes
Love me…DO please me…
the abyss is kissing me…
HATE ME…don’t COMFORT ME…
the light is fading out…
i need u
i want u
s p a y s e d  o w t  a l l  o v e  d e h  s u h h d d i n
mY LiFe IS fUlL oF errors…it ees a mezzzzzz
*IT’S TIIIIIME TO CLEAN UP YOUR ACT…………* said the voice in my head
I want to be feeling your heartbeat against my chest
I see the world beneath my feats…I’m above all…
Ill-um-i-nate me with syllabic pleajsher
My heart is skipping out on beats…I’m missing out and abandoned like an orphan, relying on a weeping widow…she bit me with denial…I was a flaw from the start….unfreeze this heart of mine…I’m as joyous as a swine, but as insidious as a serpent…but I’m feeeeeeeelin’ fiiiiiine…..ssssssssshhhh! Don’t tell nobody…d o  n o t  tell ahhhh sssssssssingle ssssssoul…don’t ma-a-a-ake a sound….you pushed me down to the ground s= s= embarrassed…I’m ready for anything right now…I’m lost, wearing an upside down frown and feel me…the pain that beats me and shreds me like paper….useless paper…I’m shattering like glass…after the kid’s ball hits through it…he’s in awe and he runs away…he hides the evidence of his foolish throwing skillz – this price is blooming bigger like a rose in the paws of the beast…you ssssspiral out of shhhhhight…I waited for you…alone….but I’m not on my own……….I’m not made as one – I’m two again…you inflict pain upon my tortured, tear-jerking soul…your veins become serpentine
To my own…we share each other’s blood
You WILL feel my pain, bud
the pressure of your gravity pulled me down callously
Distracts scar me…in a lightyear moment
Caught in a sugar-coated bliss of a dream
GrAzE iN YOUR OWN MAZE
There’s No Medication To Heal This Hart-ake…
I ake…I crave cake…I bake in the oven…feelin’ like a flake…
GIMMEEEEE A CHANCE…
GIMMEEEEE A TRY
I stand strong…brain damaged by your words of calculus-complicated definitions 
I fell harder…dig in my mind… 
((((( . ))))) push me in the margins why don’t you? I’m that dot in the middle of the brackets 
I want something more than what life gives me right now
I fought…I fought 
But, I’m not satisfied…
I’m loathed by many…
Maybe that’s what I feel like at times – LOATHED BY ALL
I’m unique…I’m an angry guy…
I wish I wouldn’t act like a fly…
I’m entitled to your love…
I can’t fly away like a happy-go-lucky dove
Death ove you stix to me like a leach in my mind…………
I need not man’s wizzdumb…no, not right now….
I need God’s KINGDOM and wisdom
God’s Kingdom + His wisdom = peace on Earth
It’s not dat complicated…
Do me a favor and indulge yourselves in the delicacies of sin
Listen listen listen not to the lies…listen listen listen to the heart that beats from deep within
My heart is sinking……
Patience is the key to living life to the fullest
Acceptance is the key to freedom … just try your best to pass this diff-eh-colt test
I deserve you and your gifts
Envying your talents…that’s juzz bramazing…
: ( sad to the core, 
but I don’t want to sadden you anymore
This revealed my crazyyyy side…
This darkness submitted to me and said its vows like a mesmerizing, yet spellbindingly evil bride…
I’m under your shpell……..
Change your mind….
Tear me apart and crawl inside of my cranium of titaniumb bliss….
Hardening by the minute…I crawl back into my comfort shell
Bring me to life and undo these lies in my head….
I’ve overheard you saying: “It’s hard for me to figure you out”
Dreams of demented, dangerous desire enrapture me…
Don’t choke me with your polluted nature of twisted reverie 

Have you changed your mind about me?
How do I look in the eyes of the thief?
Suck it up…I put my shoes on and I cut off the laces…I know – I’m doing this for stupid reasons, but I’m still the boy that’s bold
Thhhose laces remind me of you and I, separated forever in reality…cruel departure embraced us…we were the clouds, growing cold…
Your hugs don’t feel the same anymore, you see?
Here’s a heart/|\kerchief to wipe away your grief… … …
. .
. .
. .

Copyright © J. W. Earnings | Year Posted 2014


Long poem by J. W. Earnings | Details |

It's ME, not YOU

It's You, Not Me 

*this poem can be offensive and has naughty words*

It's all my fault
I put a gentle halt
I'm cold in my skin
You are warm with anger, disappointment and sadness from deep within

It's me, not you...it's not you, it's me 
This is the hardest break up I've ever done till I'm gone
Forgive me, that's my prayer plea
This is a battle of life and death never, ever won 

I don't wanna keep bringing you down...Can I have at least a month's break from dating and be single for the time being?I promise I won't get positive HIVI won't have unsafe sexI'll be hanging out with people as friends and that's it or FWBI just need time to get myself more serious in a relationshipI know we were gonna hang out and have a good time! The usual yeah I get it, but this is me speaking and not the bipolar.It's not your fault I'm making this decision or my fault. You didn't do anything that made me do it.I just need a vacation and have more freedom ...to give others a chance.Can you love me still as a friend? Could we be friends again and be close still...? Friends with benefits perhapsBecause I'm not ready for commitment and no, im not gonna be a slut because my decision is final.Don't make me feel guilty or make me feel like "oh, you just lost a very great person". My family doesn't even trust you. :( it's sad! I'd rather be with a girl than to go through all this shit just to be with a guy I still love with all my heart. I know we had sex, but it doesn't mean you own me until we get married.And no...it just won't work out. I'll have to break up with you only for this month or for as long as we see fit...Yes, I was on those dating and sex apps yeah yeah I'm sorry for cheating...and letting you down and being abusive to you. But, some things you do is offensive to me and I'm sensitive. I need someone who cares about m my feelings, not only sex.So this is it. X( Bye. I love you. It's best if we don't talk

It's me, not you...it's not you, it's me 
This is the hardest break up I've ever done till I'm gone
Forgive me, that's my prayer plea
This is a battle of life and death never, ever won 

I appreciate the things you did for me! Thank you very much 
I love you friend but only as a friend because I don't want to date anyone or be the slut you thought I was before. You said I was reverting to my old ways, but this year, I want to start new...so sorry our relationship didn't work out till my birthday as expected. I'm serious about this decision...I love you, but I have to dump you because I care for you and your religion and mine too goes against homosexuality and that goes by everyone I associate with too on those apps. I'm not supposed to be on those apps in the first place.
If you want me back, know that my love towards you more than friendship is no more. I can't handle seeing you hurt by my mistakes...and getting frustrated with me and calling me names and reminding me of the past.
Don't hurt yourself. 
Don't...hurt...myself...
Don't kill yourself. 
Don't...kill or thrill...myself...
If I heard you did, I will do it too don't do it
I love you but this is my last good bye - thanks for being faithful, loyal, awesome, generous and loving. But I must go...I have put you through so much already, so let's just be friends.
Don't beg to be any more than friends or I'll block you. :/
I'm not trying to sound mean or anything but I love you and thats is why I did this - because it's good for both of us not to be together. It was just not meant to be.
Pardon my long messages. I must depart. Be single. Be a free bird, embracing it's independence without limits or barriers to fly into.
I felt trapped when we were together and I like open relationship rather...but I've learned from this experience and it's not all for not...I just need to do repentance to the Lord Most High and put it in His hands
You wanted to leave me deep down I know it.
It's the real me talking, not bipolar like you said.
I don't want to hurt you, but to fix things up a notch. Breaking up is for the better good. Holding on to you will be for the worse good.
Thanks for being the best boyfriend I had so far...but I need release and you drove me nuts like a car...
You ran me over with words of plenty and of silence in between relentlessly and recently, I took advantage of you and was a free loader back then and vise versa 
Well, goodbye, friend and lover
You and I can find yet another

It's me, not you...it's not you, it's me 
This is the hardest break up I've ever done till I'm gone
Forgive me, that's my prayer plea
This is a battle of life and death never, ever won 

Before I crash down upon the floor in shame,
I'm recollecting the emotions that flood my mind
These unfaithful past decisions hunt me like game
In my head for hours each and every day...letting time heal me and God to no longer make me blind...letting the wounds stitch up and your words unwind
In my bewildered head
What have I done? I broke up with him instead
But I had to in dread
Or I'll never be single like I wanted to because I'm not ready for commitment and I was a flirty player...
FWB and hookups was what I was looking for and I admit and you're right all along - I was lusting for pleasure behind measure 

"Don't drop the soap"
Those comments should be illegal - a nope-nope
"Don't do the 69's that those gay people do"
I hate when people stereotype homosexuality without having a clue what the true, diverse meanings of it is...the thought of it is giving me a mind flu
Gross terms plants a reality in my fantasy 
I daydream with my muse germs playfully...with intensity and roughness mindlessly...

Copyright © J. W. Earnings | Year Posted 2016


Long poem by Allyssa Pate | Details |

My Hell

I fall down
deeper and deeper
into oblivion
nothing
only darkness.
the sounds of evil
dripping into my ears
slithering farther
and sliding down into me
filling me with echoes.
terror courses through
my veins
into each cell
turning them against
me
they are no longer mine
they follow another
a stronger being.
icy breezes come
they whisper to me
they say I'm bad
they call me to them
the breezes dance
hug me
covering me
hiding me from the light
shielding me from hope.
falling deeper
only down
my eyes are taunted
I see people
the ones I know
love
they are hurt
hurting
by me
I have betrayed them
left them
I am hurting them
it is me
but I can't stop.
my mind is plagued
sick
new thoughts
 every second
comes a new terror
a cruel joke
all a prank.
only deeper do I fall
light is disappearing
becoming dimmer
fading fast.
all a game
for one person
the puppeteer
the ringmaster
the man in the
mask
the one who is running the show
the show that is me.
he sees me falling
he laughs
I can't see him
but he is there
everywhere
teasing my brain
taunting my senses
he hates me
he wants to hurt me.
he throws it
the knife
I feel the pain
running up my leg
showing my bones
releasing my blood
it is blue
my blood is cold
it splatters my face
sprinkling my features
dotting them with blue
the blue liquid drips
jumping onto my tongue
I taste dirt
my blood is dirt
blue is all I see
blue is all I become
I am blue
blue is me.
a distant shout
who is it?
a cry for help
surely
the sound is mangled
twisted
young
desperate
hopeless
mine
the sound is mine
I shut my mouth
but I still hear it
chilling my blue blood
ringing in my ears
shaking my breathing
jump-starting my heart
then it's over
the scream has ceased
and silence returns
sounding more deadly than ever before.
still falling
only black do I see
the evil
the monsters' playground
the demons' joyride
and someone is hungry
it wants me
my innocence
my purity
it wants to take it
it feeds on people
people like me.
weightlessness
objects hitting me
ghosts' fingers prodding me
as I fall
I fall down
down into this never-ending hole
this abyss
for eternity
restless
empty
yet full
filled with misery
my worst fears
come back
how did he know?
he knows I'm afraid
the darkness
doesn't help me see
I can't see why
how does he do this?
they cut me again
spilling my blood
oh, the blue
I don't even feel it
I am numb
the sound of me
my skin
being sliced
a quick slashing
and they are done
I am cut
my legs
my arms
my stomach
my face
my neck
I can't see my blood
but I can see how evil it must look.
the thoughts that fell
fell down with me
they too
are damned
they talk to me
they tell me what they see
they can see
blue
yes blue
my cold blood
it is everywhere
I am pale
white
I look sick they say
oh, no
they say
oh, no
they see the bottom
be ready
they say
be ready.
I fall faster still
slowing for nothing
for no one
being pulled down
the puppeteer has me
he's got my string
and he's pulling
with no sign of letting go.
now I hear a song
they all sing it
the notes are cruel
unforgiving
they bump into the others
struggling to be heard
with no set order
it is musical chaos
he yells to me
it is beautiful
and he sings along to his song
it's made for me
musical notes are played
they come up to me
they greet me
they jump
right into my cuts
surging into my blood
they search inside me
no mercy
moving faster
the drum
keeping them steady
pounds faster
picking up tempo
searching
searching
until
they found it
they found
my heart
my soul
the music does the talking
it says to hush
hush now
slow down
my heart listens
and I get sleepy
just stop
they say
just stop
the music is evil
played by the man
the man in the mask
my brains sends
a message
one final request
it says to my heart
speed up
it says
speed up, can't you see?
she is dying
it says
you must speed up!
I still fall
with no way up
letting go of hope
why dream?
dreaming of being saved
when I already know
I'll only be dropped.
I smell
something burnt
burning
oh, no
I know what
that smell
it is flesh
not mine
surely
but belongs to someone else
someone close
they too
they smell of dirt
sinners burning
dead
they are nothing to me
they are the stench
in my nose
nothing more
the smell overcomes all
all the other senses
until it becomes me
and I burn too.
even in the dark
the black
I see something
darker
blacker than black
they are shadows
they mock me
they play
they sing
they dance
they laugh
I fill with evil
hatred
a longing to hurt
hurt the ones behind it all
then
without warning
I hear him
laughing
my pain
is his pleasure
oh so dark
it's over
I'm at the bottom
laying on the cold ground
in a small ball
too weak to stand
in a pool
of dark blue blood
I hold myself tight
I can't trust
these creatures
these beasts.
he likes my weakness
he tells me I am small
I am ugly
I am worthless
I am nothing
he laughs when I cry
I thought that
maybe
just maybe
it would be better
down here
instead of up there.
it's not.
hell is not a game.
death is not an
easy way out.
do not try to visit me.
do not try to rescue me.
for I am more lost
than I hope you will
ever be.
now that I am
at my fate
at the entrance to hell
at the bottom of this grave
of my eternity
and if I am truly
here forever,
I'll have plenty of time
to ask myself
why did I jump?

Copyright © Allyssa Pate | Year Posted 2014


Long poem by J. W. Earnings | Details |

The-Hour-Glass

Please, save me!!
Solitude is speaking, oh so lonely...

We have plenty of gain 
In our pockets, overflowing with light
You are like an airplane,
Landing safely from a fantastic flight 

My beating heart can't take this anymore
The moment you slammed the front door 
Keep me tucked in the files of your mind or I'll cry 
I'll keep you in my memories until the day I die 

The time ticking away...is a reminder of the passing away of today 
As you run away from it all and you never quit standing tall 
I know you graduated High School all the way...I know you passed all your classes yesterday,
But you must pass the test of surviving this winter's fall
Follow me in the Grove of Somewhere Only You and I Know
Weep no more, waterfall of wiped-away wishes...know that I care for you, even in the darkest hours of woe

Nevertheless, you're a mess this time - stop your shouting doubting 
The hour glass is running wild...running wild...
Yes, you are running out of time, so save your breath and pouting 
The hour glass is an unbroken orphan child...
Mentally pictures make me feel sick in the stomach
Yet, a feel-good sickness that leaves me to ache pleasurably; I must be building a mental six-pack
Hourglass collides from your grasp
Hourglass shatters...once bulletproof to the touch
Hourglass makes you a worry-bug and you let out a ghastly, raspy gasp...

Did you forget me once upon a time? Time?
Am I not your happily ever after?
Did I do something wrong, my love so sublime?
Was I just a distracting disaster?
Have I to fall and you to stand your ground? I'm without a sound 
I swore in my living soul that you are my sky-ground...gravity-bound
The past is a lesson to learn one of these days...pictures tattered and torn on the floor for many days
The future is a blazing fire that devoured your uncanny ways
Caving in my snowed-under desire for you...ignite me, I'm an empty matchbox 
Craving your phase of craze and your lazy, crazy nature, a grumpy bear and a funky fox
I'm lazy busy...it's the norm 
You're too picky, you like me lukewarm
Let me wriggle my way towards you like an merry mirthworm
You are like that last pickle in the jar you can't catch easily...you are as cold as my gloomy dorm 

Nevertheless, you're a mess this time - stop your shouting doubting 
The hour glass is running wild...running wild...
Yes, you are running out of time, so save your breath and pouting 
The hour glass is an unbroken orphan child...
Mentally pictures make me feel sick in the stomach
Yet, a feel-good sickness that leaves me to ache pleasurably; I must be building a mental six-pack
Hourglass collides from your grasp
Hourglass shatters...once bulletproof to the touch
Hourglass makes you a worry-bug and you let out a ghastly, raspy gasp...

Yearning for your shelter
I am a desert, I thirst and swelter
Come back to me, water angel...I am dry with disdain
Depart not from me, my pouring sun...bathing in your rain...
I waste away...a day without you is like a year of loneliness
I pace back and forth in my road of less-than-your progress 
Wow wow ooooh 
Wow mmm hmmmm 
Huh huh 
Ah, ah Ashamed of losing you
What do you mean when you leave my side?
Oh, oh going undercover too 
Underestimated, but upgraded by your touch of love that's been pushed aside...

Show me how to move 
To your joyous groove 
I pledge allegiance to your adoration 
I honor you with unwavering elevation 

Ahhhh ahh ohhhh 
Do tell me...why you left me in the dust?
Do tell me...how did I hold on to you, even when you almost lost my trust?

You're a flaw so perfect
You are like an insect,
Crawling on my skin 
Where have you been? 

Nevertheless, you're a mess this time - stop your shouting doubting 
The hour glass is running wild...running wild...
Yes, you are running out of time, so save your breath and pouting 
The hour glass is an unbroken orphan child...
Mentally pictures make me feel sick in the stomach
Yet, a feel-good sickness that leaves me to ache pleasurably; I must be building a mental six-pack
Hourglass collides from your grasp
Hourglass shatters...once bulletproof to the touch
Hourglass makes you a worry-bug and you let out a ghastly, raspy gasp...

Spectacular Spiders weave their webs of wretched, warped-up masterpiece 
I hear you, intense with your speech 
I see you, tensed up and that's not what I want you to be like, so please give me peace
You were my shiny shore at the beach, now you're a seagull beyond my reach 
Dancing around the fire of my passion flames...no Room for Shames 
Surrounded by your gaze, your lips telling me the sweetest of names
Eye Luv U
I think you do too...don't deny it, for it's true believe it or not...you're HOTT
Eye unluv U
When you do the things you do that make me rooted to the spot...I'm NaUgHt

My beating heart can't take this anymore 
The moment your hour glass broke in two, I can't cope with my moping 
It didn't mend my heartache deep in my chest which so happens to be sore 
I wait for your approval; in return, I get let down by my condition of high hoping 

The time bomb is about to blow out of proportion
Your words are like bullets, heading my direction aimlessly  
Time is up...no time to make it up to me - too bad, so sad...get over it and there'll be next time possibly 
You aborted my love for you with your Hatred portion 

Don't...save...me...
Solitude is my only friend lately...

Copyright © J. W. Earnings | Year Posted 2015


Long poem by J. W. Earnings | Details |

Inception: Tears of Bittersweet Sentiments - Collab with Mikey part 5

He lifts me up on cloud nine
I’m a lost sheep in godly sleep
He nurtures me like His child – I’m feelin’ fine
I’m a joyful sheep in godly sleep
Dead leaves of dried hope and fervor-lacking faith blew away with the wistful wind – this depression…no one can comprehend or they might reduce to tears…you might break or bend, so let me replace your fears with unsullied, heaven-made hopes and fill your cup to the brim with perpetual cheers
I have left this withering tree because my mind rehearsed double doubts
Voices in my head howled heartrendingly: “They haven’t left the time to mend me, so I’m waiting for my end…I’ve lived a happy life and now I got to face my demise that I’ve tried to avoid for one hundred and fifty y-years”
I have been pinned to the spot; I can’t get over the fact that she left me to rot…I’m choosing to walk countless routes
I was once a lost sheep
But, now I’m enjoying my godly sleep
I’m skipping to and fro
In God’s green pastures…I lie…
I sing …I grow…I wander off…I fly…
I float…in God’s still waters – 
His PEACE will never die! 
I grieved for you as I watched you slit your wrists in crimson regret - painted red with shameful lusts and remorse...and I cried...cried...cried...knowing that you lost your faith in the Most High – I’m bewildered beyond logic and belief…
I’m dying for His relief to drown away my disdainful disbelief…my lavishing grief…
Don’t be shy – call upon Him for help and support and I wish you the best in all you do and I wish you go through more good times to uplift you above the surface; let me hearten you with optimistic spirits and be crowned with splendid anticipation; but, I must be responsible and mild
For your loving heart and consideration are slowly fading and dying
Sick of pretending that I have the ability to keep on flying, but I must keep on trying to earn back my wonderful sensation that I’ve cherished as I wild child
You’re killing me softly…with thrilling possibilities in mind – I don’t wanna be left behind…I miss you and there’s no one else your kind
Possibly, there’s an open door of opportunity to open up the eyes of the blind
Save me if you’d be so kind
Believe in me…don’t desert me, but instead – f-find me
Reflect on me…don’t lose grip of the rope of hope or lose touch of the ecstasy that’s next to sea
You inflicted pain upon me and it truly hurts me to the core – your disloyalty is the only thing I receive from a so-called healer
I was once a lost sheep
Mourning night after night…
I used to forlorn day after day 
I’m alarmed and I’m yearning for Your light 
Your might…Your delight
To get through my plight…to fight the good fight
I used to weep bitterly in dismay 
You smoked me out like a cigarette…and I’m left on the street grounds like a cigarette butt – The moment you picked me up and I said yes for your sake, I submitted to the pleasure that it would give you and I, then I regret it and I became so upset
From your corrupting ways, I felt I had taken part of it and I hastily decided to fret
And now, I beat myself up for it...my mind is sky high with doubt and my body feels like a drought...dry with a lack of empathy and indulged in loathe and envy...I-I am upset
I was determined to win 1st place in this race of honor. I know that there are so much gold nuggets to find below the dirt of Mother Nature. It’s time to unwind. 
I was drunk off of your confidence, but I don’t know how to do without your motivation near my side – I don’t mind you pushing me towards my goal as long as I get out of my comfort zone. But, I couldn’t run fast enough and I submitted to my failure…I fell to the ground in disgrace and my heart ceased from beating…I’m in appall right now and I bet
I need to pass this test – I should’ve tried my best, despite you leaving me behind as usual. Tell me this, sweetheart – I ever cross your mind? 
Don’t stab my back with lies, but shed me the truth, so that we will be free from misery’s chambers. I found it hard to believe that I was on my own all along, but not alone; God is my backbone, supporting me along the way – I ignored the call of negativity and I picked up on positivity – it treated me alright and portrayed life in another magnificent light; it even traced me a smile of satisfaction for a while – I thought her awfully kind to do such a thing. I am Forever Confounded and Ambushed in your Lies’ Debt
It seemed as if no one could befriend a monster like me and I couldn’t help, but pray
That all hope, faith, and love would not perished from my sundrenched sight
It seemed like the end when I went through the dilemmas in my life – I remember being bewildered and going astray 
I am overwhelmed by the cost of losing you again…I searched all over for you day and night
Don't leave me to die...don’t stomp all over me like your doormat
I am not your pet...and there’s a reason why I said that
I won't take your orders
We're not crossing borders
Can you feel me when I cry bittersweet tears of sentiments? Do you even care to see the liquid lament, streaming down my universe, aquatic eyes? Can you release my tension like breaking open boulders?
You left me without any comforting shoulders…your words injure me – frankly, it tortures…
Nor does it nurture me with heavens’ light, but it makes me kiss the abyss of hazardous hells
On this perilous voyage, your hand you never did lend   
Now, I’m spiraling into the black hole of vibrantless farewells

Copyright © J. W. Earnings | Year Posted 2014


Long poem by jack oritx | Details |

THE TOUR

THE TOUR 
WHOA! 
Stop right there my friend! 
For there’s no place in where you can run and hide  
So stop and listen  
Listen to the voices warning you to go back 
Screaming out to beware of the horror that flows through this young child’s mind  
Opps too late! 
You just had to do it  
Didn’t you  
You just had to enter into the darkness of this fallen soul 
Well don’t just stand there come closer since its to late 
To turn back now 
Ready?  
Okay then welcome to the horrors of this poetic mind 
For in here you’ll hear and feel what’s like to be me 
For you’re in my world now and its not a pretty site 
So where do you like to begin 
Oh I know 
Why don’t we go and see what my heart is up to 
Shall we  
Heart: this is umm oh I’m sorry but you never told me what’s your name is 
Oh well it doesn’t matter 
Heart, do you mind telling my new friend here how you continue to beat inside of this old wrap body of ours  
My pleasure I may beat but what I really want to do is 
Explode from all the voices that whisper to my soul 
Late at night 
Thanks heart and speaking of our soul 
Let’s go see what she’s up to okay  
Oh come on don’t try to run away now 
I tried to warn you before but you didn’t want to listen 
No 
You had dare to challenge the demons that rule over 
My heart, mind and soul 
So let’s just move on  
Hello Ms. Soul, I’d like for you to meet- 
Damn I really must learn your name anyway 
Would you mind telling my friend here 
How you continue to live and breathe through all of this everlasting pain  
Am I breathing?  
For day after day it feels like I’m suffocating from  
All this torment pain that flows through this child’s body 
For if you’d take a closer look inside of this old soul 
Of mines you’d see that I’m slowly dying from the inside out 
For maybe there’s a God above who’ll hopefully 
One day will forgive this child of mines 
Or 
Maybe the devil below who can hardly wait to get 
His ferly hooks inside this soul  
For if we aren’t allow to enter in neither one then  
Please I’m begging you please let me go and allow 
Us to burn in eternal peace  
Whoa! 
Even I’m lost for words let’s just move on before 
You start whining again 
So just sit back and relax as I introduce you 
To the most horrifying part of our tour 
The disturbing words of this child’s poetic mind  
Well thank you for that lovely intro and let me say  
How brave your young friend is for coming this far 
Frankly I never thought you’d make it  
Any way I know that I’m just blabbing for I know 
How you must feel I bet you’re just dying for me 
To just shut the hell up so you could get the hell 
Out of here 
Am I right? 
Of course I am so let me get to the point then you’ll be free 
 To go 
We come into this world without any guardian angels 
To show us how our life is going to be 
For I’m just a young child whose soul’s more than happy 
To welcome the bright lights of an icy hell that fills 
My heart  
And before you open your mouth to interrupt  
Let me save you the trouble since I know what your  
Going to say 
You’re going to say 
That these feelings will not last forever if I just have a  
Little faith 
Well let me tell you that forever has been here and gone 
My friend 
And to this very day this child is yet to believe that her day of faith will ever come 
For I’ve shown you all of my soul’s silence 
I’ve told you all of my heart’s torments 
But most important I’ve shown you the real me 
Not the happy outgoing person that I always  
Pretend to be 
For don’t you think that I’d love to forget how I’ve  
Been raped of all my innocence, faith and trust 
And have them replace with numbness, shame and pain 
But I can’t blame you for the sins of this child’s past 
No 
That would be useless since I could never be the person 
That so many of you wish for me to be 
So that completes the ending of this tour 
How did you like it 
Aww it left you pretty speechless huh 
I had a feeling that it’d well don’t just stand there 
With that stupid look on your face go get the hell out here 
That’s it just turn around and walk away 
Oh one more thing before you go I never did get your name 
Well it was very nice to finally met you God 
Now please get the hell out of here before you get trapped 
Within the walls of this wicked disturbed mind 
Oh hey wait! 
Could I just ask you for one small favor before you go 
I can  
Hey thanks 
Okay umm now bear with me cause this ain’t easy for me 
To ask 
But okay I really never learned how and nobody ever took  
The time to teach me and it’d mean so much 
To me if you’d open your heart just for a second and say 
 A prayer for me then maybe in that same split second I’d learn how to undo all the pain that ever been 
For one day if you shall remember me 
Remember what you’ve learn here today I want you to look down from that holy thorn of yours that you call heaven 
But I warn you, your eyes will burn from all the flames 
But don’t be sad 
For just as so many have forsaken you I’ve chosen to forsaken you 
Since the day I was born 
And yes, I’ll burn and forever vanish in a blink of an eye 
Why? 
You dare to ask well since the day you’ve placed me  
In a place named hell to live 
And love don’t you think its only natural that I would want to die here too 
Just think about it 
Copyright © belong to jack 2006 

Copyright © jack oritx | Year Posted 2014


Long poem by T Wignesan | Details |

Brahman Nemesis

                             Brahman Nemesis

          22 But to those who adore me with a pure oneness of soul, to those who are ever in harmony,
               I increase what they have and I give them what they have not.
          23 Even those who in faith worship other gods, because of their love they worship me,
               although not in the right way.
          24 For I accept every sacrifice, and I am their Lord supreme.
               But they know not my pure Being, and because of this they fall.

                                           THE BHAGAVAD GITA: 9, transl. Juan Mascaro (London:Penguins), 1962


               the puja  never ends 
                                 the sound of conche-shells rush up from starved caving lungs  the fire still burns ditheringly in tiered brass oil-lamps  the sanctum sanctorum still resounds to the same old Vedic mantras their walls pitch-tarred by centuries of sacrificial smoke  the naked granite Amman’s  torso and limbs sunk in massive mountainous pitchblack porous rock  bathed in milk and coconut-oil  jasmine petals  vibhuthi     the ritual never varied  nor the droned sanskrit rocambolesques phonemes learned by rote and remembered since a toddling three or four through chanting playfully all-day-long in unison within bare highstone-walls amidst the  making-of-faces to the bare-chested fair-complexioned eternal cousins in drawn-up and tucked-in dhotis their long-flowing gingerly-oiled sheetblack hair tied-up in a cone and sagging over the forehead   these the keepers of the « I » who wants and Oh needs worship

        You the Brahmins claim   picked from Your head Your chosen
                                   You who gave us the intelligence to question
                     Doubt and despite our conditioned voice our dissent
                  Now threaten us with holy fire the right path mistaken 
                                O Allah-uh-Akbar                        
                                O the King of Kings  
                                           Give us this day Your comforting bread

                                                                 
        now the days are almost over when Your chosen few strutted about Your smoke-and-incense-filled courtyard barechested lest their twice-born ethereal insignia misses the masses clanging bells yelling orders in mantric spells making as though You resided in them  nay  You were them they were You  their minds wrought by the belief that work was for the menial castes all untouchables all fools all filthy their breath impure  Your chosen children’s food pure  sanctified daily by Your inner eye  their genes their blood pouring from one tumbler into another and back into their veins like the hot tea drawn in an arc between arm-length held tumblers their vedas the only vedas  their language Your language  a prayer in any other language gets channelled to Your  if we are to believe them  sworn enemy the stoker of the fiery dungeons  

        there was a time  there were millenia  those who issued from Your arms thighs feet  and the néant below and beyond  all all untouchables of course  gave in sacrifice to You what was demanded by Your chosen lot  how you cared for your few ordained representatives on this infinitesimal speck in your sweeping vastnesses  
       but now the time is drawing to a close  the pujas the marriages the deaths the astrological charts net in hardly the sums needed to keep Your valiant few intact  their voice tremble now their chants in Your name growing meeker and meeker through commonlaw marriages  selflit pyres  computerized astro-charts  and prayers offered in Your name while speeding in petrol-driven carts
     
  who would you elect again as Your spokesmen
                     Whitehall  White House  the Kremlin  the Imperial Palace or the Elysée Palace
              who would speak for You
                                    represent You
                                        sing Your praises
                                            keep Your house in order here on earth
                                                and drive terror into those who would suspect a ruse

     now that the prideless old but still plump priest with six unmarried daughters begs with outstretched hand at the temple portals vying with the maimed untouchable in shredded trailing rags   his wide bright doleful eyes 
                    a telltale warning to your indifference  

               one to keep his pure-bred lasses within unpryable walls
               the other to keep hunger from shrivelling up his balls 
        
                                                                                           the ultimate sacrifice


1 the brahmin conducted mass in the sanctum sanctorum as the intermediary between Brahman (the God-Head) and the other castes, the latter paying for it in cash or in kind

2 the Hindu Goddess Parvati ; also a suffix to names of deities signifying malevolence.

3 powdered ash of cow-dung, used by Hindus on their forehead, arms and torso as an insignia of their religiosity.


From the sequence : « Words for a Lost Sub-Continent » in the privately published collection : longhand notes (a binding of poems), Paris : 1999, 115p. ISBN 2-904428-14-3

May 24-25, 1997

Copyright © T Wignesan | Year Posted 2016


Long Poems