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Workshop Poem the Betrayer of You and I

For a year l have been travelling around the world Searching for the betrayer of you and I I travelled to the four cardinal point of the world I went to Burundi central Africa Where river Nile was, I asked the Nile Of the great enemy of you and I Your great enemy is with you, said the Nile I went to USA. to lake Itasca in Minnesota Where the river Mississippi was,I asked the Mississippi Of the betrayer of you and I Your betrayer is with you, said the Mississippi I wonder in solitude, who could be the enemy I was unable to go home on that day Because the day is already down, so I decide To stay for the night at the coast of Mississippi I heard a voice shriek in my ear I woke up in my dream Gravity pulled me high in to the sky I heard the voice again in my ear Oh! my son you are wellcome Look down to the land of livings I saw how people were causing destruction to the land of living Hatred grown between a couple Brothers and sisters were killing each other Malicious gossip between two friends 'Do you now know the betrayer' Said the lord No my lord Your great enemy is your nose I was lost in awe and wonder,how could a nose Be the great enemy of you and I,your nose Can smell all these good foods for you to eat And you are using it to breathe And yet it betrayed you Your nose can't smell someone malice at you Someone of dangerous behaviour If not because of your nose Life wouldn't have corrupted to this level I woke up from my dream I realised it was a dream And the betrayer I have been searching for all this while is NOSE. 12/5/2015 Contest: Workshop poem Sponsor: Cyndi MacMillan.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2015




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Date: 6/9/2015 11:39:00 PM
:) Nice to see this one up
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Date: 5/25/2015 6:09:00 PM
Hi Afolabi, I thought I had come back... sorry about that. I got off track and tried to tilt some windmills ;) For verb tenses, you have "I heard" and I "woke" past tense and then the next line, Gravity "pull" so to keep the verb tense, it should read, "Pulled" (past tense)
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Date: 5/15/2015 10:01:00 PM
Back, but only for five minutes. I'm exhausted. Okay, line two.. to tighten and clarify, you can have, "searching for who betrayed you and I" And of course using that repetition all the way through...
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Date: 5/15/2015 7:53:00 PM
Well, I'd say listen to your stomach. If you feel 'sick' about something it's bad for you! [mentally or physically] Do capitalize Mississippi & Minnesota [proper nouns] I'd look at breaking up the last line into 3 lines. Light & Love
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Muideen Avatar
Afolabi Muideen
Date: 5/16/2015 4:05:00 PM
Thank you for notified me, I made that mistake when I was typing it.
Date: 5/15/2015 5:12:00 PM
Thank you for your patience, Afolabi,and for your courage and maturity in choosing to join the workshop. It is not a contest, though and I am not really a sponsor-- I'm simply the Workshop host. I will do my best to visit tonight. I like the idea of this poem, very much. After this first reading, I noticed some syntax/grammar problems which can easily be fixed. I must go for now and I look forward to returning. Cyndi
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Afolabi Muideen
Date: 5/16/2015 4:23:00 PM
Thank you for take your time to read and comment on my poem. I will be glade if you help me on the syntax/grammar problem.
Macmillan Avatar
Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/15/2015 5:21:00 PM
Your verb tenses are mixed. I will definitely help you with these! You have past and present tense and this may confuse the reader.
Date: 5/15/2015 8:02:00 AM
happy to see you have not changed your write and thanks for visiting my poem today
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Date: 5/13/2015 6:47:00 AM
Ofalobi, it is obvious to me that you put a lot of thought and work into writing this terrific poem, for me I believe it should stay the way you wrote it but of course you want to know how to make it better, I understand that, best of luck and thanks for visiting my poem, Purity. .
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