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Workshop Poem Broken

A wounded heart cried, filled its lonely glass Held and felt with anguished hands of sorrow To pray memories fade as tears trespass Through years of time her love had to borrow I try to remember when love went wrong Only fragmented pictures from the day She disappeared as her shadow grew long A marbled world turned quietly to clay Cataclysm within, covering dreams With nothing to recognize or save My eyes counted tears with thinning long streams and scattered monuments of yesterday I felt a shared breath with a pain that's kept and found a heart wounded as its eyes wept Here's my workshop poem First change A wounded heart cries, fills its lonely glass. Held and felt with anguished hands of sorrow. Clinging to this drink of hindered morass, For years of her love I had to borrow I try to remember when love went wrong, Only fragmented pictures from the day. She disappeared as her shadow grows long, A marbled world turned quietly to clay Time washes all that memories contain. Still, loss of love remembered can fade. The years of regret secretly remain, Uncoiling ribbons of sadness inlaid. A wounded heart cries, fills its empty glass, Love forever lost, memories trespass.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2015




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Date: 6/10/2015 9:12:00 PM
Well, this is the home stretch. In one week, I'll officially close the workshop. Although it is locked, I'm still giving time for those who joined the party late to give and receive feedback. Hope you can drop by my blog when you are able. Love what you did with this. It's like whittling in a way, isn't it? We craft and craft until there is not one thing left to change.. lol.. its work and worthy work. Cheers and goodnight, Cyndi
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Date: 6/9/2015 11:49:00 PM
Frederic, :) congrats on your workshop poem
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Date: 5/10/2015 2:08:00 PM
Hi Fredrick, Love the sonnet form, much more delicate to the gentle topic at hand. line 12-Uncoiling ribbons of sadness inlaid. the inlaid/stay rhyme bothers me. perhaps: Uncoiling ribbons of a sad array right syllable/meter there are many stay rhymes that should work better than inlaid. lots of good advice and decisions made here, great write.Very heartfelt.
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Robert Stoner Jr
Date: 5/10/2015 6:47:00 PM
Excellent option Frederick ,well done
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Frederic Parker
Date: 5/10/2015 2:25:00 PM
thanks Robert I changed stay instead
Date: 5/9/2015 11:48:00 AM
A beautiful sonnet, Frederic! The subtle changes (especially the tense) made all the difference! I agree with Robert about breaking up the quatrains, but that's just personal preference. Looks like you're workshop poem is complete. Way to go!
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Frederic Parker
Date: 5/9/2015 10:01:00 PM
Rhonda a small gift for you and Robert for your kind advice..seperated quatrains
Date: 5/8/2015 3:27:00 PM
[for years and for a time her love I borrowed]-I know that's 11 syllables but the cadence there is making me chew my nails ;) line 11/12 [The years of regret secretly remain/uncoiling their ribbons of sadness inlaid]
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Debbie Guzzi
Date: 5/9/2015 9:09:00 AM
Flowing better!
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Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 5:55:00 PM
I just had a 11 syllable talk with Char. LOL. Get out of my head. I mentioned Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Even her famous "How do I Love Thee" has one 11 silly-bull line. Many do not know this. Think all the great ole sonnets followed perfect 10 counts. Many do not.
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Frederic Parker
Date: 5/8/2015 4:04:00 PM
thanks Debbie uncoiling sounds better.I changed S4 so it flows better with S3 and hoping it helps with your nail chewing
Date: 5/8/2015 2:25:00 PM
WOW FREDERIC. You not only rose to the occasion, you showed us how its done. Love it! Kudos to you for taking this on, going with the flow and making it all your own. People will read this and learn FROM YOU. You are one class act, Sir. Your sonnet is stunning. Big hug, Cyndi
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Frederic Parker
Date: 5/8/2015 2:31:00 PM
thank you Cyndi, I'll let it sit a couple of days for further input, then put revised
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Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 2:26:00 PM
It really works, repeating that line! Good idea!
Date: 5/8/2015 12:16:00 PM
Wow some great feedback here, I would try the verse in present tense & have a look see?[A marbled world turned quietly to clay] nice metaphor! - maybe without a sound? -Perhaps [My eyes ran with tears in long thin streams] * same as on the others the capitalization & lack of periods & comma's etc. bother me.
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Frederic Parker
Date: 5/8/2015 2:24:00 PM
thank you Debbie, I reworked some lines and added punctuation.
Date: 5/8/2015 7:50:00 AM
Perhaps change "covering dreams" to "crumbling dreams" as in the ruins of the cataclysmic event
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Frederic Parker
Date: 5/8/2015 2:26:00 PM
thank you Catie I reworked the poem so it's prent tense.
Date: 5/6/2015 9:27:00 PM
PS-- the poem is very touching and I would not want to play with the lines too much, as the emotion is all there. I'm glad I read this and hope you enjoy the workshop. Stop by mine, when you can. Looking forward to hearing any suggestions you may have for my poem. Good night.
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Date: 5/6/2015 9:11:00 PM
First, I love the "marbled world/clay" line. Rich imagery, there. I'm not certain about the 11th line, the rest has this really solid flow. I think its the thinning and long, being side by side... something to consider is to build on that image of a deluge, a flood escaping the eyes, which is hard to do without being cliché (I've struggled here, too!) Thinking... my tears shed boundaries, left in long streams. Scattered could be changed to scattering (to lose the and) Now... the last line...
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Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 7:55:00 AM
I, too, battle the gerunds.. all those ings... oh, but I love them so. LOL... I just learned about ings a bit ago. And I've been battl--ing them every since. Lov-ing the ring-a-ding-a-ling of ing... sigh... go-ing go-ing gone! haha! Me. Dingaling. hee hee
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Frederic Parker
Date: 5/7/2015 6:04:00 PM
thanks Cyndi, yes I wonder about that whole line..I try to stay away from ing words though I have used them...I'll see what I can come up with
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Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/6/2015 9:24:00 PM
I shared a breath with an agony, kept, claiming a wounded heart as its eyes wept. These are OF COURSE, just ideas. I often take ideas and do a 360 on them. Maybe it will spark a different direction... leave, take, all is good ;) I never consider meter; so these suggestions are language based. Hopefully, Craig will wonder over.
Date: 5/6/2015 6:54:00 PM
Robert and Frederick, Debbie's "Holiday Aire-Sea of Japan WORKSHOP" is a workshop poem. Wow. I really had to use the search to find it.. Gaw... I thought search would be easier. So, 3 so far, (I'm in tonight) Robert, Frederick, Debbie, Cyndi and one other so far... I may put up a blog with a sign up list! Just so we know whose work wants the attention.
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Date: 5/6/2015 6:47:00 PM
Thanks for joining... will come back later tonight! Busy "Momming" right now ;)
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Date: 5/6/2015 5:49:00 PM
Hi Fredrick,I would offer my suggestion. I like the quatrains separated in a sonnet. The visual appeal is better than an imposing block of text. In the last two couplets , I find the use of "and" out of your established verse style. These last two lines with an "and" connector just feel out of place for me.I like consistency. I would rework the "save" "yesterday" rhyme as well. For now I'll offer these thoughts. :o)
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Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/6/2015 9:30:00 PM
Well, save/yesterday works for a contemporary sonnet (assonance) but this poem does have a classic, timeless feel to it... the cool thing about this workshop, lol, we can put them up and play with them to OUR heart's content.
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Frederic Parker
Date: 5/6/2015 6:00:00 PM
thanks Robert I had that same thought about and..as for save and yesterday, completely overlooked it..should have proof read better..thanks...I tend to like my quatrains linked as one...
Date: 5/6/2015 4:52:00 PM
I like your workshop poem, I might not be a good critic but I like your work. :~)
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