Who Is Being Selfish

You showed shock and dismay when I said....maybe my 50th is when it would happen. I couldn't deal with aging. I couldn't deal with death, yet again. I said how I would plan it...not to leave a mess behind for others to have to clean up. I wouldn't...I couldn't be that cruel. No, I'd borrow a gun from one of my students, go out into the wooded area and say goodbye to life. There would be no body to worry about. That is what bothered me the most...even when wanting the release of death to quiet all the insecurities and to tranquilize the fears forever, one had to worry about the aftermath: the body. Who would find the body? What would they do with it? You showed dismay, consternation, anger. "Don't even think it. How selfish can you be? You're only thinking about yourself. What about those who love you? You'd scar them for life. We would never forgive you." Shock therapy...I'm sure that's what you were going for. I'd heard it all before. "Who is being the selfish one? My loved ones should be happy that I'm no longer suffering. I am tired of sticking around so that others will not fall apart while I am only a collection of shards.Who is being selfish? Should I stick around for the occasional hug, the occasional family gathering, the occasional bursts of joy? I have to live for them, but I'd like to think that I can die for me. Wouldn't you want the best for me?" Before I walked into the airport, you hugged me tight, giving some parting words of advice, as if you knew, as if you really knew what dealing with depression is all about. I hugged you back tight, knowing you'd never understand that what held me back was the pain others would have to bear, but life is so unfair. Why would anyone want to prolong someone's suffering just so that he/she could have peace of mind? Why should I think of everyone else and not myself? We hugged, and I said goodbye, tears streaming from my eyes. Sometimes...one just simply wants to die. Eileen Manassian This is a true incident that happened to me two days ago. My cousins were driving my brother and I back to the airport. We had gone to Germany to attend my uncle's funeral. The emotional intensity of it all tore at my heart. I'm tired of hearing of another life extinguished. I'm tired of goodbyes. I lost my mother 17 years ago to MS. My older uncles have passed away, and I can't help but think of my father, now 81. I can't bear it to see him getting fragile and old. My heart is growing cold. I'm tired of trying to be Ok. I've often thought of ending it all. When people posts poems about suicide and they are harsh on the one who opted for an "easy" out, it digs at my soul. Sometimes we need to realize that the one who opts to go is no longer able to handle the pain. They aren't being selfish. We are being selfish if we want to keep them trapped in misery wanting to break free. Of course, there are moral aspects involved. God never intended for someone to end his/her own life. However, when someone gets to that point, I think that his/her mental capacities have been compromised and accountability for action becomes a difficult thing to ascertain. However, God is wise. Above all else, God is merciful. He remembers our frame, He knows we are dust...Let's leave the judgement to Him.