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What Is It About Me

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People see you change avatars...pic after pic...and they think you're narcissistic.... They think you're a show off...and they don't know....you just want to feel good about yourself. You hate the way you look, and you want to show what you're at least a bit happy about. It just takes a bit of psychology to dig a little deeper...to understand people....to try to understand why they do what they do....to extend a little grace. I'm female, fat, and frumpy.....I'm 48 dealing with the issues of aging and changing...and feeling...useless. I'm a person who was the life of the party who just wants to stay in the confines of her room now. People don't see that. They see me laugh and joke....they come and hug me...and they don't know my inner struggles. I'm dealing with the loss of all that made me feel beautiful....Look deeper....Look deeper...and until you do....just remember to show a little kindness.

What is it about me that so gets under your skin Have you lived the life I've lived? Have you been where I have been? What is it about me that makes you livid, green Is it the way that I write? Or the things that I have "seen"? What is it about me That rubs you the wrong way? Is it that I am brazen With what I do and say? What is it about me That has you on recoil? Is it that I am "fake"? Does my presence make you boil? What is it about me that makes you want to hurl? Is it that I'm "soul" ugly? And you thought I was a pearl? What is it about me? Maybe the same's true of you? Cause let me just say right now... Under the sun, nothing's new Eileen Manassian

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Caycay Jennings

Date: 12/13/2015 6:40:00 PM

Very, very, good and well written. I do know the feeling you describe in the intro. One of my earlier postings is all about my own chosen isolation, it is called, 'Broken.' I got better, but it did not happen quickly and I wouldn't go back to that feeling for anything. I hope you have been uplifted since writing the intro ... CayCay

Mohammad Yamin

Date: 9/20/2015 10:10:00 AM

An awesome poem Eileen. Very bold. I understand what you are saying in this poem as I have passed that stage of life myself. You are indeed a pearl. Your people compels readers to soul searching. Love. -Mohammad

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/20/2015 2:53:00 PM

Thank you for your visit to my work, Mohammad. I'm glad that you liked it. Thank you for the kind post.

Laura Breidenthal

Date: 9/17/2015 3:10:00 AM

Oh my goodness Eileen. You are simply gorgeous inside and out! I can so relate to this poem and what it represents. We all can get misunderstood from time to time, but the more we share, the more people will see the beauty shining through. :) Talented lines as ever! Always, Laura

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/20/2015 2:53:00 PM

You are so kind, Laura. To say I'm gorgeous is really sweet solace to me. Thank you, Hon. I appreciate the sweetness of your soul, I really do. Hugs

Poet Tacito

Date: 9/11/2015 11:25:00 AM

Some people mock what they don't understand. 'Tis a shame. But, don't let their walls confine your foundation. Strong piece.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/20/2015 2:52:00 PM

I miss you. I miss Blog Talk Radio. I miss those days. Things are different now. Thanks for the visit, Drake. We should Skype sometime. Hugs

Ralph Sergi

Date: 9/9/2015 7:26:00 PM

Hi Eileen: I really enjoyed your poem and I agree with your daughter. You should love yourself before all others.

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/20/2015 2:51:00 PM

Ralph, thanks for your visit to my poem about my daughter. Your comment is kind. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner or visit. I was away on a holiday to Greece. I'm back now, but I'm preparing for the classes I need to teach. The academic year starts tomorrow. I'll visit soon. Hugs

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 9/9/2015 5:41:00 PM

I wish you could see yourself the way that many of us see you. Beautiful, talented and with a wonderful spirit and heart!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/9/2015 6:23:00 PM

Thank you, Richard. You are kind. I've written a poem about a conversation my daughter had with me once. It's called, Please Love Yourself Mommy. I'm sure you read it, but it was some time ago...Here is the link if you would like to read it again. http://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/please_love_yourself,_mommy_541168 You'll understand a little more about .....me.

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 9/9/2015 5:28:00 PM

Eileen, I think you look JUST FINE. In fact better than fine! That's why you have so many admirers. And not just for your looks, but for the POETRY. Heck, half the people here could be fat and ugly, but they are using young avatars and writing poems that can show us their souls. In the end, it's what's inside that we are seeing through their poetry! I think of you as a wonderful person, and I bet many others do as well! Great poem. Soupmail!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/9/2015 6:19:00 PM

You are so kind, sweetie. Thanks for those messages. I do struggle. This pic here was taken last summer at my brother-in-law's wedding. I was so worried that I wouldn't find something nice to wear. I'm glad I looked good. The way I got the dress was really God's doing. Didn't want to be the ugly duckling at the wedding. :) Thanks for the love....Hugs

Ilene Bauer

Date: 9/8/2015 6:43:00 PM

eileen - from your pictures, you are the least frumpy person i can imagine, so get rid of that adjective right away! i guess there wil always be people out there who have to criticize but i really hope you know how much you are cherished on this site and i will always be one of your fans! write on, girl!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/8/2015 6:56:00 PM

:) Aren't you sweet, Ilene. Ah...but I post the best pics I have. With the weight gain I've been less able to be selective in styles I like. :( That's what I love about shopping in the States or at Marks and Spencers.... The whole concept of the bigger woman is lost here... Thanks for your lovely post, my dear. My daughter still says I'm sexy...Go figure that one. :) I won't be on the site for about a week, so keep that in mind. I'll check you again when I get back. Hugs

Paul Callus

Date: 9/8/2015 6:39:00 PM

I am sure that many people your age go through similar things, Eileen. Specially applies to women. Some talk, others write, others resort to cosmetics. Nothing fake about what you say here; on the contrary you are being sincere, but do not downgrade yourself in the process!!! Hugs // paul

Paul Callus
Date: 9/8/2015 6:52:00 PM

I don't believe in pulling out poems:)

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/8/2015 6:39:00 PM

Hi, Paul...thanks for coming at my request. You did say you'd be my accountability partner....a little too much? Shall I pull the poem? Yes...women my age...with our hormones all out of whack. Why can't we be young forever? Anyway...Thanks for coming to cheer me up. I'm trying to get as much in as I can before I leave to Greece on Thursday morning. Hugs

Charlotte Puddifoot

Date: 9/8/2015 6:18:00 PM

eileen, i read your notes at the top, how can you think that about yourself? i'm the one who's fat, not you, they made me gain loads of weight in hospital...i know what depression feels like, you can soup mail me any time, i'll be there for you - hugs, charlotte

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/8/2015 6:41:00 PM

Thanks, Charlotte. I'm sure you aren't fat, sweetie. I've been tubby all my life...and the meds I'm on...don't help. I remember dad visiting me some time back and crying...."Where is my girl. You've changed so much." I have...It takes a lot to make me want to get out of my comfort zone whereas before....I was the crazy one who was getting everyone to talk, laugh, and yes...dance. I get that way sometimes still...but it's transitory. Didn't attend my own grad cause...couldn't deal with all the people and the heat and some other issues. Stuff happens. My hubby doesn't insist if I don't want to go out. Sigh....People like you make me want to....be well. Thanks, sweet. You know I love ya. People may think this is TOO MUCH INFO...but if we don't talk about our issues...how can we raise awareness. Hugs

Arthur Vaso

Date: 9/8/2015 6:00:00 PM

Op, loved the poem too, but it seems redundant to say so as I love them all!!!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/8/2015 6:01:00 PM

:) You get lots more smiles for that one. :) People who believe what they want to believe....So....I'm good. Hugs

Arthur Vaso

Date: 9/8/2015 5:59:00 PM

You are nothing but sunshine to me, love all the photos!!!!!!!!!!!! hugs!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/8/2015 6:01:00 PM

See? Now THAT's the kind of response I love to get, Arthur. You've ALWAYS been good to me. I appreciate it. Hugs :)

Skat A

Date: 9/8/2015 1:54:00 PM

Your poems always seem to amaze me Eileen. this is deep, in a way I feel you don't have to answer to anyone, but the ones you love. You have a deep soul, thank you for sharing once again. SKAT

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/8/2015 2:09:00 PM

Hey, Skat. :) Hi...I know. I'm having second thoughts about posting it. You're right, the ones who love me...will, and the ones who don't...won't. I guess it's life. Poetry is my escape from pressures of life. Thanks for understanding. Hugs

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 9/8/2015 1:14:00 PM

You said it right Eileen, Under the sun, nothing's new. The same o' same o..... This is a very strong poem, in which I am glad I read today. Somehow I really say I can relate to most of your poem. One thing I've learned from you, never let anyone bring us down. Always.... LINDA

Eileen Manassian
Date: 9/8/2015 1:19:00 PM

Hey, PD....Thanks for coming my way....I don't know. I have my good days and my bad days. Had a hard day today....lots of things to get done. I'm a little stressed...and I'm alone. Not the best combo. My hubby is settling my daughter to her new place in Hungary where she will be studying physiotherapy. It's been a long ten days...I'll travel to meet up with him on Thursday and the rest of the family in Greece. I hope I get some of this sadness out. Thanks for the visit. Hugs