What If

What if the incessant torture didn’t happen so many dark times, but it’s unimaginable for you to comprehend isn’t it? No one knows, the tragedies that left me so crippled, you can’t fathom, the depth of the sins they committed against me. What if my father didn’t knock me down the stairs as he spat his poison on me, leaving me in an insufferable existence. What if my mom protected me from the cruelty and abuse, or showed love I wouldn’t have hung my head in shame. What if the kids at school didn’t shove me against the wall shouting obscenities I could’ve learned how to make friends. What if my peers didn’t cause heart wrenching pain in my teenage years, I wouldn’t have tried Drugs to End My Life. What if that bad man didn’t expose his genitals when I was 6, I wouldn’t have chose men who abused me. What if that female relative didn’t kick me in the stomach, laughing as I vomited and collapsed, I could’ve trusted woman. What if the other female relative’s drunken boyfriend didn’t kick me in the eye detaching my retina, I could’ve had faith in family. What if, my employer showed kindness as I arrived with black eyes, instead of forcing me to work where everyone could see my shame. What if that employer tried to help me when a car struck me, altering my body, as I limped into work with a full leg cast, instead they fired me. What if anyone cared, after hit and run, I dragged my body and leg cast across the floors tending to personal needs, feeling utter ruin and isolation. What if I was treated humanely in that rented room instead the landlord locked the bathroom forcing me to urinate in a garbage can. What if someone asked me why I was crying at my desk when I arrived at work the day after being drugged in an attempted rape. What if, those attempted rapes didn’t happen while living in Florida, night terrors persist, once again God gave me means to escape. What if that employer didn’t try to touch me when he found out my father died and I had nowhere to live and no other income. What if that boyfriend didn’t tell me he tried to pass his illness onto me so I’d suffer, he failed, I fell to God’s mercy. What if that other boyfriend didn’t punch my face asserting he’d cause disfigurement so no one would ever look at me again. What if many of the people I met didn’t beat me down so hard until I lie in blood and despair as they murdered an already wounded soul. What if there wasn’t such violence against me, I wouldn’t have bled on those I loved most while in the devastation of my poorest sorrow. What did happen was that I never forgot the many horrific incidents which led to a deplorable life full of abuse and mistakes. Consequently, I record my pain here giving a mere glimpse into the suffocation of a lowly spirit that remains in total darkness. What if these ruthless people didn’t destroy me; I could’ve been a strong Advocate on behalf of Victims of Abuse and Persecution. Despite their disgraceful abuse, I’m hopeful I can bring healing to the demoralized by my charitable works and unconditional love. What if my words can lift up another broken person, by bringing them the slightest bit of hope that God will lead them to safety. What if I wasn’t a damaged mother, there wouldn’t be pain in my son’s wearied eyes for having to cope with severe hardships. I pray for forgiveness from my sweet son, as I caused his gentle heart pain, which will haunt me until death. Still, though, I implore God to show His mercy and kindness while raising me up out of this hell to the heavens so I can finally be at peace.