Home » Poems » Kim Van Breda » Waiting To Exhale

Waiting To Exhale

WAITING TO EXHALE Now that I have successfully alienated everyone else, the time has come to liberate myself, having played this out in my mind…so many times I guess I have finally acted on it—as you try to comprehend. This “fault”—this “defect” in my head--an incessant obsession and desire to want to trip all the switches which keep going -- either overloading or slowing down into a very faint buzz, reminding me and making me barely aware that I am still physically present even though it feels like I have died a slow death inside. The exhaustion of knowing that the extreme highs and lows will without fail, continue to repeat themselves, each one, each time, leaving me more out of control and hopeless than the last. It’s acknowledging my personal weaknesses, not being able to maintain any inkling of mature responsibility and the continued failure—feelings of guilt, incompetence and letting people—family, friends, medical professionals and even myself down, time and time again. Coping mechanisms are deteriorating and becoming dysfunctional until they reach the stage of being a self destructive procedural descent in the same direction. Alcohol and drug abuse will only numb the pain for so long before they consume a person in the mere volumes required to obtain the equivalent effect. I have reached the stage where I feel I have made a progressive step to the next level—to show myself this time I have the courage to carry it through... Finality will prove the unknown entity but…. it does not scare me any longer-- waiting to exhale….. (This was a suicide note I wrote five years ago. Fortunately there was intervention and I was correctly diagnosed and received the appropriate medication. To anyone out there feeling this way-- there IS hope--- just pick up a phone or text/sms someone)

Post Comments

Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem.

Please Login to post a comment

Kim Van Breda

Date: 2/17/2014 12:21:00 PM

PHEW John... out of all my numerous poems on this site , you hone in on this one-- my most personal and difficult to post. Thanks for the kind words and your intuitive perceptiveness. Its an ongoing battle with Bi-polar n but I am winning :) :)

Donna Jones

Date: 8/6/2013 6:05:00 PM

Hi Kim....this gave me cold chills....I know how hard it was for you to post it....because it was hard for me to post mine.......so thank you....well deserved recognition here....congratulations

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 8/5/2013 8:22:00 PM

Kim, thank you for sharing... congrats...LINDA

Kim Van Breda
Date: 8/6/2013 12:37:00 AM

Thanks Linda...and to all the people who put their feelings out there for this competition on a sensitive topic-- well done.

Matthew Anish

Date: 7/18/2013 10:33:00 PM

You tell an all too common tale here. I am glad yougot over your difficulties. Life an be so hard sometimes. Good luck and keep up your creaative work. Peace & Love Matthew Anish

Mustapha Mohammed

Date: 7/18/2013 6:45:00 AM

Hi Kim,I so can relate to this one.Loved this one from you.

Jack Jordan

Date: 7/17/2013 8:34:00 AM

I'm relieved that this is in your past, and that you found relief. I'm certain I understand what you went through; I've been there too. Please read my poem, "I Am As I Am." Jack

Dan Kearley

Date: 7/15/2013 3:17:00 PM

Thank God, you found the help you needed. I know there are a lot of people out there with the same thoughts that feel so all alone. It is possible to rise above those problems though. A great write that gets to the heart. <3 Stay strong Kim :o)

Honestly J.T.

Date: 7/15/2013 1:10:00 PM

This one is very intense.

Anne-Lise Andresen

Date: 7/15/2013 11:19:00 AM

..... so sad .... "sad" is a poor word in this poem my friend Kim! - I am happy that you are here!! - <3 <3 <3 - oxox / / Anne-Lise :)

Kim Van Breda
Date: 7/15/2013 12:04:00 PM

Thanks for your ongoing support in all my posts... love your caring comments xx

Eileen Manassian

Date: 7/15/2013 9:07:00 AM

Kim....Kim...been there! I also wrote a note. I've posted it here. It is in my earlier work...It's entitled, I'm Tired. Thank God you got help. SOMEONE was watching over us...Oh dear....I'm so glad that you were rescued in time. Sometimes...the only thing that keeps me going is knowing the devastation it would leave my beautiful 18 year old...I am on medication to even me out. I have my good days and my bad day...so close! HUGS TO YOU. Thank for your recent visit...You are beautiful! :)

Eileen Manassian
Date: 7/15/2013 2:26:00 PM

Having grown up as a Pastor's kid, I had to live up to certain expectations! Unfortunately, in religious communities, mental illness of any kind is thought of as taboo because..the LORD will heal. The LORD works through physicians, psychiatrists and modern medicine to heal His children. I'm very vocal about this because the mind is an organ just like any other, and when sick...you NEED help. Nothing to be ashamed of. I am SO glad you have the courage to speak out. BLESS YOU!!!

Eileen Manassian
Date: 7/15/2013 2:21:00 PM

Hey....Yes. It seems we do....I read the post...thanks! If you have some time....read my poem, Bipolar Musings....I've read up about it and sometimes wonder if I fit in that category, but I'm on meds for depression...Been four years now! I'm too scared to quit....God bless you for sharing. HUGS! :)

Kim Van Breda
Date: 7/15/2013 12:09:00 PM

Eileen.. thank you. I have posted a reply on your poem-- "I'm Tired". Seems we have a lot in common-- lovely lady.xx

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 7/15/2013 9:04:00 AM

I do mot know you but i feel to give you a big hug dear lady.Im glad you managed to survive it all.God gave you another chance on life an you re definitely making the best of it..Well done

Kim Van Breda
Date: 7/15/2013 12:11:00 PM

Thank you Charmain. God is Gracious--- we all have struggles and our own crosses to bear. P/Soup is a wonderful support- along with the act that we share our poems.

Poet Tacito

Date: 7/15/2013 8:40:00 AM

Oh my goodness. How liberating it feels to read this today and you're still with us in this world. I'm sorry you went through that. But, you're here. That's what matters. Knowing where you were to value where you are.

Kim Van Breda
Date: 7/15/2013 9:27:00 AM

Thanks Drake. I guess we have all been there in some way or another. Indeed we should value where we are and count our many Blessings-- God is Good !!