To The Ones I Carried
I get up every day with the life I thought is mine
And before I get my share done,
watched you silently asleep and I smile
I knew that the moments of me walking alone the house is limited
So as I wait for your parades, I get things done.
I work and work and work.
My mind is filled of thoughts how
to make your life better than my yesterday.
I think of food for your day.
I think of things you can do for the day.
And I get scared of my temper getting in the way.
Again.
Our days are not always fun filled.
Not always happy. Mostly of screaming.
Yelling.
Shouting.
Fighting.
Apologies.
Fear.
And I blame myself.
I didn't grew up around a house filled
with more laughter than tears.
Tears not of joy.
There are days we were happy.
Days we were ok, but we were children
Asked to grow up too quickly
And though tough love is what it was,
Our hearts broke at times.
I know not much of what a mother's love should be
As I didn't exactly have one of my own.
We got bruises and we had scars.
Scars that soon faded and scars that never truly did.
And when I had you, I thought I would be better.
And to never give to you what I had.
But it was a lot harder than I thought.
More brutal than I thought.
My struggles are your sufferings.
My past is your present.
I see my scars slowly engraving in you.
And I cry everyday, struggling everyday.
Yet, you still look for me.
Hug me.
Kiss me.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me my cooking is the best in the world.
You worry when I cry, wiped my tears and gave me more love
You always ask if I am ok.
And in the moments I get scared
Of my wrong actions speaking louder than my words,
You showed me more patience and understanding.
I pray everyday you will be better than what I want you to be.
I pray you'll never lose your way.
I may not have given you the life you truly deserve,
But I'll work harder to be the mother you deserve.
----January 12, 2022----
Copyright © Sarah Jabri | Year Posted 2023
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