'tis New Year's Eve

'Twas the week after Christmas and the bills came pouring in, I went out for some drinks but my wallet was mighty thin My buddy beside me and I in my football cap, sat down at the watering hole by the long-handled beer tap I ordered a tall one and it tasted so good, I could see the owner cooking under the greasy griddle hood New Year's Eve was upon us but I certainly didn't gush, I had a truck on the fritz and my toilet wouldn't flush There were women running around but I didn't much care, my clothes were dirty and I forgot to wash my hair The clock was getting near midnight and I thought I would die, then this beautiful woman looked me straight in the eye She said, "I was Santa's helper" as she pulled on my arm, "I'm here to love you and do you no harm" I saw a twinkle in her eye as I stood up to talk, she said, "Come with me" and we started to walk Out the door in a flash I knew it was right, then my eyes were blinded by a blue flashing light She shouted, "Put your hands up we know you robbed a bank!" I said, "I didn't do it!" but she handcuffed me for the tank With my hands behind my back she shoved me into a car, to the slammer I was going and it wasn't very far My buddy came out laughing then he rolled on the ground, he exclaimed, "Happy New Year!" as fireworks exploded all around It was a very sick joke to play on a guy who was down, but I'll get the SOB this year... that's one twisted New Year's Eve clown!