Three Times

I don't want you.weeks in i know your there but i don't want you.. I cant have you .someday you'll understand and learn to forgive me for what i will do. Month 3 you kicked on the ultrasound i almost smiled .why did i almost smile?the shock was to much.i had to throw up.why do you make me like you so?why can you not leave well enough alone? A little kid asked me what i was having i said a girl.the kid said your husband must be happy. I said no hes dead and ran home crying. At sixteen weeks its almost time the baby kicks with a rhythm i tell mama. She knows she says.for god sakes honey she says don't have the abortion .i say mama its to late. At 20 weeks i have a meltdown i call mama.i cant do it mama.i had a dream.he told me to keep her .he told me he loves her.she just says honey i know i know 2 months later shes in premature labor theres talk of brain swelling and big fancy doctor words she cant understand. Doctors pull her through and out of deaths clutches again and again. Shes a fighter they say but you know at the end of the day her mental capacity wont be the same and adoption is always an option and she said to the doctor i almost lost her through the death of my husband to abortion and now to give her up would be like losing her three times i think ill raise her instead