This Klutz For Hire

I’ve picked it up a hundred times yet dropped it just once more So I give up, the blasted thing can lay there on the floor And stepping out onto the porch I hit the ice and slipped As I walked back into the house I stubbed my toe and tripped While dancing round in pain I then collided with a table For when it comes to graceful moves I’m really quite unstable Perhaps there is a simple way to turn this all around My clumsiness could work for me each time I hit the ground I could be a klutz for hire stumbling for cash I’ll charge my clients by the slip the flip, the flop, the bash If you need something dropped and broken clearly I’m your man If anyone can smash your stuff this klutz for hire can Perhaps you have a wall or door that needs a good hard thump Just be aware my going rate is seven bucks per lump I could knock your sister down or trip into your aunt Or I can make a great big mess and kick your potted plant And if your pets are underfoot and adding to the drama I’ll have to charge you extra if I suffer blunt force trauma There’s nothing quite as comical and what a sight to see as goldfish bouncing on the floor It is my specialty And when I fall I scream out loud to add to the effect I’ll see you get your money’s worth when your whole house is wrecked So call my number any time My estimates are free It’s 1-800-S T U- M B L and E © Mike Wise 1/30/19