The Split

So, can you afford this place by yourself? Yeah, I did the maths. ­Okay, I’ll take the washing machine, you take the couches. You're kidding, the washing machine was a present, you take the couches. I know how to work the washing machine. Well, I know how to work the coffee machine, but I don’t make a song and dance about it. Was that why you phoned the plumber when it ran out of water? I didn’t phone him for that, I was getting a quote for something plummery I was thinking of doing. Plummery, is that computer speak. Which reminds me, laptop, I’ll be taking that. You’ll have to wait till I put it back together. What do you mean, put it back together, it’s new. I know it’s new, but now it’s super new, with 50G installed. 50 G hasn’t been invented yet. It has now, with my new revolutionary thought processor and rewind imagery camera. Have you finally gone nuts, you see what I’ve had to put up with the last five years. Well, I can’t tell you what you’ve put up with the last five years, but I can for the last six months. Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now, what have you done? I installed a chip in you. Pick a date in the last six months, and I’ll show you what you were doing. You’re mad, okay, December the 11th. Right, just put that date in, okay let’s view. You’re having a coffee morning with your sisters and wait, you’re slagging me off as usual, tut tut. My god, this is madness, you’ve finally lost it. Oh! you haven’t seen anything yet, let's check out Dec 13th. Oh look, it’s you and the plumber in what seems to be a posh hotel. So it is, do I look hot or what? That wasn’t my first thought, I must admit, maybe you could explain yourself. Isn’t it obvious, I mean, you installed the bloody chip, what part don’t you understand? I don’t understand why you’re with my plumber on the date he promised to install my new revolutionary coffee maker.