The Sadist and the Masochist

A sadist and a masochist you would think they would be the perfect fit, but I found out the hard way that it is the complete opposite See you are the sadist as you once told me so, and I thought that I was a masochist, but I know I’m truly not deep down in my soul You enjoy the feeling of causing others pain, you get a sick thrill when they scream out your name Not your true name the one that you use in the light of day, no the one that you created to showcase the monster that you are that you put on display I never knew this side of you, I wasn’t aware that he even exists, not until you gave birth to him years after we shared our last and final kiss You told me that he was always there in the darkness of your mind, but that you had pushed him down so many times that you felt it was finally his time to shine To cope with your pain, just to make it through, you became another version of the you that I once knew You became a heartless monster, you said so yourself, you told me that you were hell bent on going down this path that you had created for yourself That you just didn’t want to be the nice guy anymore, that you needed to let your true self out, the one lurking in the shadows of your soul, the one that was always craving more Long ago someone evil took your innocence away, and you can believe all that you want that you gave it willingly, but that’s not true no matter what you say Because you were vulnerable, you had been through so much in your young life, that all that you wanted was to be accepted in one way or another, to find a place that felt right So there in her arms you found the solitude, the release that you thought you had been searching for, but what you found was just darkness that you let in after it kept banging on your door She took advantage of you although you were of age, the point is that she knew better, but that is her wrong to be judged for one day You thought that she could lead you to something better, that she could show you another way, a new technique to shroud the darkness that conquered your mind every day You had tried everything to drown those voices crying out from within, the ones that kept berating you saying that you were worthless, that you weren’t worth a cent You had tried the drugs, the vices that you had at your beck and call, you marauded through all of them and you knew you weren’t making the right call But then you didn’t care, but the sad thing is that a part of you really did, you didn’t know any better than because you were still just a kid Yeah you had the looks, the strength, the height of a man, but deep inside you were still just trying to survive, to grow up, to understand Because that is all that you knew was disappointment, the feeling of never being enough, your life wasn’t rainbows and sunshine, you told me as much You got into trouble there were many times that you lost your way, and there were people that loved you then, but like a wild child you chose to go astray I get it, believe me I really, truly do, I rebelled myself when I was younger in a lot of ways like you I hated who I really was, the cards that I had been dealt in my life, and for so many years I blamed myself knowing that wasn’t right Just as you I looked for comfort and acceptance in another’s hands, I reached out to the wrong people and grappled for things because I didn’t understand I didn’t understand why I wasn’t wanted, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I knew that deep down in my soul I wasn’t truly complete See I was in the same boat as you, my father he walked away as well, and I was left with no father figure in my life, so I paved my own way through my torturous hell I was hurt, I was beaten in the emotional sense, and I believed after a while this was normal because it’s all I had ever experienced I wasn’t led down the exact same path as you, I didn’t fall into the arms of someone older to help me get through See this is where it all changed for you, and you got your first taste of power, you let her abuse you and drag you down, you were left all alone to cower I wish that I would have known you then, so that I could have saved you from that demise, the one that you carried with you, as you moved on with your life But as you say, “If I knew you then, I would only hate you now,” but the truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t, and I know you’re wondering how? See I am the same person that I have always been, I give everyone chance after chance even after they’ve done me in I am too kindhearted and trusting some may say, but that has always been the only way I know how to be, that is just my way