The Girl I Used To Know

You criticized me to the end of my existence. I completely lost myself, simply sitting made me anxious. I was always waiting for you to call my name and point out another mistake. Self worth. What is that? Quite frankly, I'm trying to rediscover mine. Since it has been perished. Diminished along with the feeling of comfort. I'm not comfortable anymore. I'm sorry if you think I'm superficial for liking clothes. But I'm forever searching for an outfit that I don't have to tug at and readjust like my attitude. Sorry if my attitude isn't chipper when I first wake up in the morning after only getting 3 hours of sleep because I had lay awake and analyzed every single one of my actions for the day, after you insisted on pointing out everything I could have done better. Sorry that you think I'm a perfectionist, because I'm more than aware that I'm not perfect. More than aware, because you remind me everyday. I actually don't strive to be perfect, I just strive to be accepted. Your voice is like acid to my ears. All I want is one day of not having to hear your icy tone after you call me ignorant. But ignorance is bliss, don't you know? I am so lost now that I actually miss the days that I was naive to this world. The days where I just nodded and obeyed. Thinking that it would eventually change you. But no...it changed me. I've become a heartless *****. Actually, I care SO much. Though, no one knows that. If I come off as a *****, I'm truly sorry. But I feel constantly on edge, like I have to either defend or prove myself. If someone compliments me, it has to be a joke. Who could compliment such a worthless piece of human existence. That's what I think of myself now. Your fault? No, it's mine. My fault for not being able to overcome this. My fault for turning to drugs because Molly was the only one who could make me happy. I counted how many times I genuinely laughed this year. Six. All of them when I was high. My fault for locking myself in the bathroom and not being able to look in the mirror without bursting into tears because I hated myself so much. I'd sit there and write out lists. Lists of everything I needed to change about myself, because what I needed to change about myself was everything. But, then what does that leave? Nothing. And if I am nothing, then I no longer exist. I spent so much time trying to be good enough for you, that I forgot about what was good for myself. Gabriella? Yeah I knew that girl. But she disappeared the day that she met you.