The Chinese Horoscope, Preserved

“Dragons don’t live up to the talk. I’ll find a way to fix the wagon”, Opined the jealous Jabberwock, “Of the scaly, lummox dragon.” This foul fiend then, most inhumanely, Pausing to munch a trembling snack As his mind careened insanely, Planned to seize the Chinese Zodiac. “I’ll knock that lizard off his perch Atop the Eastern horoscope, But I must also start a search To oust each other beastly dope.” Eleven creatures, he vetted, Eleven envelopes he licked, Eleven animals he summoned, Eleven brutes which he had picked. The Jabberwock’s troops hand-selected Opened their mail with anxious paws. “Twould be clandestine, undetected - Meeting the one with biting jaws. The hamster got buffed and ready, Training on his cage wheel all day, Sharpening his steel machete: “That dirty rat, I’ll boldly slay”. The yak on a Tibet mountain peak Would achieve his goal nonviolently, As enlightenment he would seek. To beat the ox, he’d unleash his chi. The bobcat’s less than forty pounds, While tigers weigh twenty times that. It’s not as hopeless as it sounds When thinking positive in combat. “Guinea Pig v. The Rabbit” Will not involve violence or hate, But a much more loving habit - The victor will out-populate. How can an earthworm beat a snake? A snake can bite a worm straight through, But that would be his first mistake - Now he’s got two worms to pursue. The zebra’s one of those stylish types. The humble horse’s imperilment Starts when zebra shows his fancy stripes, And the horse dies of embarrassment. The antelope’s got a clever plan To give the goat indigestion. He’ll feed him “souffle of tin can”, So, goat can’t stop the insurrection. A monkey’s smarter than a meerkat. A meerkat’s paw has just four digits, But he’ll beat up that monkey brat While the monkey thinks and fidgets. The turkey plans to beat his foe, the rooster, without undue delay, For he must do it soon, you know, In advance of Thanksgiving Day. The hyena, an essential cog On the Jabberwock’s evil staff, Will fight the ever-faithful dog, Do you think he’ll have the last laugh? The warthog with his ugly face Will fight the unhygienic pig. A comparative picture of grace, The warthog plans to win him big. All the players thus assembled, The big date all planned and set, In eagerness they fairly trembled, For the day no one would forget. The day then came, a zebra’s shame, worm went quick, turkey drumstick, Hamster cuffed, Antelope stuffed, Yak adrift, Warthog facelift, Bobcat rebuffed, Hyena snuffed, Meerkat in a field, And the guinea pig squealed. The Chinese Zodiac’s still true. The villains are all behind bars, Though you might call that place a zoo. The rogues got close, but no cigars. The scaly dragon remains in charge, But the Jabberwock is yet at large.