The Aftermath

You’re the only definite that I’m unsure about. I have mixed feelings and you’re all in them, the anger flows throughout. So many traits I perfected being connected, to you for so long. The suppression, misguided anger, the depression that could have killed me. A damaging relationship, but my love for you won’t let me leave. I’ll die slowly, let this wound me, you always aggrieve. You say some things I see red, the countless times we fought. All the times I stopped myself from carrying out those thoughts. I’ll hurt myself before I touch you, and no one else had better try. Because despite my feelings, I always love you, you’re the one that gave me life. I bite back the hatred, can’t always stop the coldness, but I don't really try. Then you push my buttons, we go back at it, only pause to reload. I try not to open myself, can’t bear the depths of my wrongs. Can’t stand this thing we’ve become. How many times do we have to cut, to appreciate blood? How many years have to be muddled, til we see the clearing? You never take me for my word, but I love you and I mean it. Even when I left, I still loved you. No matter. And if you leave me, I’d never be alright, because I love you, despite, ...despite. And when I hate you, I love you. No matter. So if you ever read this, just know that I cried. And that I wanted to reach out, apologize. But our past stopped me, can’t swallow this pride.