That's Not Me

I am driving Dad to his appointment In a city more than two hours from home They will spend a month watching behavior, (We realize that he needs a savior Or for this testing we would never come.) My father has shown disappointment, Family feels that we must take him there, But he's going without really squawking And time passes without either talking, Though I am sure that he knows it's not fair. I am having to make tough decisions That I really wish were not mine to make Though my mother is truly quite fragile (Her power of reason remains agile) Dad hospitalized for my mother's sake. My father has been suffering visions Which aren't in touch with the real world at all, But after a couple of days have past It is clear that his confusion won't last, Still our hopes for recovery are small. I was home when his last episode struck Mom was up with him throughout the whole night 'Do I know you? ' he quietly asked her. 'So lucky to have a nice lady care.' Even in this state his manner was bright. That I was home when it happened just luck Mom exhausted by the time I woke up. 'Why do the ceilings here go up and down? ' My dad's puzzled face was sporting a frown. Horrified tears filled my mom's and my cup. 'Pay yourself first! ' his best lesson for me, 'Think of the man that you'll be tomorrow 'The man who's a man does work that's at hand, His eyes open for an unplanned demand, Lest the future be found filled with sorrow.' My trips home from school had no guarantee That a holiday mood would be found there, And though the chores were all finally done The time we'd spend working was never fun, And was no treat for him either I swear. Mom hoped that I'd be some kind of artist Dad dreamed that I would be an accountant. But I came to see their fight over me Was selfish because it left me not free Respect for my dreams just a nonevent. I have always known I'm not the smartest I had friends who were much better in school It was certainly a tough decision But confronting parental derision Proved to me at least I was not a fool. There's always enough guilt to go around, There's so little in life that we get free, Dad aware on some level he's leaving Uncomfortably says (he is grieving,) 'When bad things happen, Brian, that's not me.' I watch his tears come and make not a sound, Like my dad I face life stoically, With my love for the man hardly showing, Who to my dying breath I'll be owing, I must reverently own 'That's not me.' December 25,2013 What can I say? Forgive me Father. Wish I could have been a better son to you. How I wish I could have loved you more.