Tear In My Heart

My mother never knew what to do with me. I was an obligation that needed to be. But I wanted her to love me. Simply… love… me. I would do anything to please her. Wanting her to be proud, I worked hard at everything I did. But she viewed me as her competition, not wanting to be out done. Needless to say our relationship wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I dreamed to have a family of my own to simply… love… me. I had a daughter who didn’t live. And my mom said someone like me shouldn’t have kids. Though she didn’t know about my epilepsy and other problems with my health. Then my life fell apart with hard times everywhere. I didn’t show it but hidden…my health wasn’t all that good. My husband’s diabetes affected his mind. And epilepsy was working on mine. I ignored that fact. I worked hard as my epilepsy kept tearing every thing apart. Finally with a hard earned job… Fourteen years later I had a son. The son I’d always wanted to have. I was so very proud but was attacked by both health and son, at every turn. He was wilder than most creating problems everywhere. He blamed me for everything and everywhere something went wrong. My health did it again at work as my relationship continued to crumble with my son. He hated a mother who had to work, had epilepsy, and just wasn’t there for him. I was slowly dying when he was 12 and I was 52, when finally I was saved. That night… I met God and he said I had more to be done along the way. I came back and did every thing I could to help my wayward and unruly son. But way before I helped him go to college… I knew I had lost my son. But his best friend needed a mom so I was there for him. It seems so strange to tell, but as my son moved out… His best friend simply moved in. And it’s even stranger to tell that… The son who will occasionally smile at me, is someone else’s son. He’s my heart-adopted son and has brought my first son closer again. Jesus was always here and… the tear in my heart is gone.