Suicide Child

I can't remember if the sun was shining Or if the clouds looked down on me as I stood A child of ten standing on a window sill Whispering to himself he should It started shortly after I woke Distant where the trigger was I'm guessing just the overflow of everything they did and said Finally ground down by all around And though I'd fought for years Death becomes a friend When she's the only one there for you Knowing I would soon be in the playground Where no nurse could make better the names they cruelled Knowing my mothers boyfriend was down stairs Waiting for his latest vile whim to unfold My mind consumed by every name called I was not the same they proved Alone in my crowded thoughts T o death I looked for belonging As I dressed my imagination dreamt What could happen today? Exploding into the unknown My strength rapidly dissolved I could see no directions that didn't lead to another painful day As my journey to the end begun All they told me loading the gun All that made me different from Pushing me closer and closer to the edge of no return In front of the mirror I stood Cut off my curly hair No longer the golliwog That their taunts would compare I covered my skin in talcum powder As I didn't want to be That horrible thick coon he always called me. My hair a mess My colour unmasked Tired, Frightened, alone, I decided enough, enough Standing on the window sill The last bastion for survival colliding inside As the exhausted wishes to hang on Were overcome by the desperation to escape this hollow excuse for life No single tear a cry for help As id learnt they choose not to hear I urge myself towards an end to the hurt where the crying would clear As I engulf my mind in my final moments And call for death to take my hand From across the road a woman called To this day she probably doesn't know she saved my life Tears unintentionally Created rivers down talcum powdered cheeks But my mother didn't laugh when she found me I guess that's where you'd expect everything to be made right I guess that's where I learnt to no longer believe Through every promising word in the wake of what could They didn't do what they should