Stay Alive Forever

Can I...how dare I ask this Is it for the wrong intentions How dare I ask this without sounding conceited, overconfident, apprehensive Well...what's there left to lose Can I, can I stay alive forever Immortality is not my desire or a request I just want to make sense of this life thing try as many times as I can to make it right My chronic disease has returned my surrendering to these ideas, images, doubts deceiving myself believing Myria would betray, change sides on me Dear sweet Myria..I'm such a fool an idiot, diabolically convoluted; slow minded to think she may, to think she may...impossible No, no not impossible, incomprehensible either way, I'd rather it not be my reality let alone cross my dreams I have never felt so low as long as I've known her She's been the center of my attention and I find myself searching for the things I love, adore about her the things which cause her to flood like rivers so I can be the force which can turn the flood into a rainbow the things that cause her to smile, laugh joyously so I can be the ray of sunshine brightening her beloved day showering her with as much love as I can bear to give in an attempt to prove my worth to her and also to myself so I can know I haven't drank the same elixir sitting on the tongues of countless lustful men I greatly loathe Simple irony, I know it's human anatomy to loathe something and from time to time become the dastardly thing It's a flow in need of remedy a repetitively lost battle only because the winner is unsure I believe I'm slowly losing her, it's hours before I hear her words It's like a switch clicked and roles reversed I'm tempted to say anything, to get her opinion but I have a feeling she realizes the same thing Day after day, I'm completing my mission showing her who I really am: a loser, a freak, an outcast a peasant before this magnificent queen Why I place myself on such a level exalting a woman higher than myself I will never understand, can't fathom the thought I am fumbling, weak; a weakling Trust issues, I need to work them all out How possible is it to reconstruct an impossible five thousand piece puzzle All I need is focus and faith, trust in Myria Myria...I cannot deny I love her, my latest confession but perhaps I really don't, AHHHHHHH! How dare I doubt and denounce it perhaps I, I just care too much but I'd rather care too much, feeling the blunt of ever blow than treat this how I treat school: without a care in the world She's important to me, meaning just about everything the secret I keep, the iodine in my drink the drug-like addiction which has drastically affected me I need to get my head on straight, stupidity is the crime awaiting I don't want to give us a reason to split going our separate ways after everything she's done for me Myria...my beautiful blue rose, the echo my mind outlines around the one I call mine the root of why I feel human, down to Earth, weighted by gravity Alive, invincible, indestructible, hopeful afraid, doubtful, confused, lost Myria...Myria...I love you... Can I...Can I just stay alive forever just this once...just this once... for Myria....for Myria...Myria...