Stay

I was 6 or 7 when I sang in church about the joy, joy, joy, joy, in my heart, yeah, down in my heart to stay. Fourteen years later everything is trans and I'm wondering if anything is in my heart to stay, most of all joy... And yet today, I hummed the tune of that song I haven't sung since Bible School. I used to take 'stay' for granted, even now, I pass that word around when really, it means everything. I once told him about the independence I need, his mouth said no, his head shook back and forth his brown eyes said stay- I was telling not asking. His eyes always pulled me in but even they couldn't make me stay... I thought i knew everything about words until I realized I'm running away from everything, thinking someday, I'll arrive at the doorstep of someone who will stay forever. But what if this is me? What if I never look at anyone with sad eyes that beg, beg them to stay. What if my heart never breaks again because the joy is so far down even a magician couldn't pull it from his hat. Physical touch stays which is why I often shy away like the animals I once saw at a petting zoo with a fence and a sign that said "Don't Touch"- (But it's a petting zoo????????) God put us here to touch one another but I've always been into metaphors, it's safer that way- standing outside the fire, Garth Brooks calls it. Fire burns if you get too close, and touches can brand if you let them. I don't want a tattoo unless it's a winged foot above my ankle, I'll use it to fly away.