Soliloquy of a Pierrot

without warning, one day, i shall close my eyes, i wonder, in that moment, i will say “indeed i lived a good life,” or i may say “i lived my unpropitious life shoved and dragged by the power i have no control over it.” if it’s to say that one who survived through his given days is already praiseworthy by itself, i should, at least, accept my last moment open armed with a smile on my face, however, my worry is that if i can smile at that moment or not because i saw too many horrible things throughout my troubled life, because i underwent so many harsh trials that broke my back, are all these negative notions coming from my narrow-mindedness, or from a shallow view, or caused from my disagreeable attitude?